EP248: Please DON'T Do This - Enneagram Etiquette - How NOT to Use This Powerful Tool

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hello. Welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And we are like, halfway through the freaking year. It's crazy. It's crazy. And you know, I gotta tell you, it has been a busy season over here for your girl, Trace. And it's been awesome because so many of you are understanding the beauty and the elegance and the power of not just learning about the Enneagram, but integrating it in your life. And as that happens, it never fails. And this is like the warning I tell everyone. Like, seriously. And I'm gonna tell you a story about why, you know, this is so powerful and people do trust me with it. And it's about what we're gonna talk about today is like, how not to use the Enneagram and having Enneagram etiquette. Because I know you've. You drank the Kool Aid. You drank the Kool Aid of the power of the Enneagram as a tool for you individually. I work with many, many teams and companies, marriages, families, and I know that knowing your Enneagram type has helped you develop self awareness around maybe some of your default patterns, some of your thinking and behaviors. You've gotten to the root of why you do what you do and when you do that, you want the people that you love, the people that you lead, the people you can help influence to understand this too, right? You have stretched to learn about the other Enneagram types and those motives and those fears you might even secretly, like, I do. Like, everywhere you go, every TV show you watch, seriously, every. Everything I do and every person I come in contact with, I'm trying to figure out what they are. Now, I don't voice this, which is what we're going to talk about. All right? You've begun to use the framework. You've integrated this with your partners, with your families at work. And because you're seeing these results and the effectiveness of Your communication. You want everyone to get this because it is. It's like this beautiful language. It allows you to have compassion for yourself and in turn, for other people. And when you see others struggling, you know, depending on what Enneagram type you are, there might be a motive behind why you want others to get this, too. But this is where it gets a little risky. And I know because a lot of you that listen to me tell me this. You're like, I really want to. I think they're this. I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I think they're this. And that's okay. You know, it's okay to be thinking these things and trying to curiously understand people. What isn't okay is expressing our opinion. Right? Unless you kind of are a professional, like I do and do this day in and day out. And, you know, people pay me lots of money, and I've been educated for over a decade in this, and this is the work I do all day, every day. It isn't your responsibility to go typing people. And I'll get into that. You know, the Enneagram is a simplified mental model. It really, really is. And it helps to take out a lot of the complexities of trying a bunch of ways of communication. Right? The reason I know you love it so much is because you are able to streamline and be more effective with your communication. The people that you love and lead are feeling the intention of your heart and in your communication. And I get this, right? There are three ways. The most common ways that people are using the Enneagram out of integrity. And I want you to know, like, I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it. You love it. You believe in it. You see the power in it. But I want you to, you know, with grace and compassion for yourself. If you catch yourself kind of doing any of these, please stop, okay? It's okay. Remember that each Enneagram type is trying to get something wonderful and that all people are more than a personality number. Like, I've said this before, this is just a tool. This isn't a labeling system. This isn't meant to put anybody in a box. All right? So we're going to kind of go through three ways that maybe you're using this in a way that isn't as effective as maybe you would if you didn't know about this. And. And true transparency. And I've said this to many, many people. I've probably said it on this podcast before. Had I had this tool in my tool belt 15 years ago, instead of 10, I absolutely would have done all three of these things. And hardcore, because I'm an enneagram 8. I do everything aggressively. And I want you to know, because I wasn't at my healthiest, I would have tried to use this in a way that was more from a fear mentality, insecurity, power manipulation. Okay? So I just want to say that to you. Like, I get it, I get it. Especially if you're coming from a place of fear or worry, you might tend to use this this way more. So, again, catch yourself with compassion. Understand why maybe you want to. And based on your Enneagram type, your answer is probably right there. So the number one way that most of you use the Enneagram in a way that's not the best is you go around typing other people vocally, especially those who don't want to be typed. And here's the deal. Like, this is such a beautiful tool. And I know that you usually do it out of good intention or maybe want to show how smart you are, or you want them on board, but you're going to turn people off from this beautiful tool. It's kind of like I have 10 years of recovery under my belt. If I was just leading with that and preaching that all the time, I might not be able to help the very person that needs it. Same thing with my faith. Like, I am a strong believer in my faith. It's my number one tool next to my Enneagram integration. However, if I just, like, strong arm people into that, they may not get the messaging. I am always speaking my faith, recovery, and Enneagram in everything I do. However, I'm not kind of like saying, you should do this or this is what this is, or you gotta do this. It is in the essence of every kind of communication I do. And the reason people are receptive to all three of those things from me is because I'm not telling people what they should do. So I know that a lot of times when you go around typing people, it's because you're talking about it and people want to know and they want to be part of the conversation, so they want the quick answer. And you and I both know, if you've been listening to this podcast for any length of time, that if you're going to go on this solo without somebody like me or a professional to help you get to the root of it, that it does take time. It isn't just, hey, take one of these online assessments and boom, artificial intelligence, and here you are. It's just not 65 to 70% of all online assessments are inaccurate. Artificial intelligence is amazing, but it can't take into account a lot of the emotional intelligence that the Enneagram is rooted in. So when I know when you first learn the Enneagram, typing others can be used as a party trick. I'm going to tell you all about you, and it's crazy. And I hear it all the time. And people that know that I do this day in and day out, they're like, what type am I? I'm like, I haven't even a conversation with you. And so even somebody like me that this is my profession and this is my life's work at this point, I'm not going to be irresponsible with it. I can kind of narrow it down very, very quickly. Again, because this is a muscle I've been building for a decade. Right? It isn't just like, hey, I'm an eight, found this out, I know my type, so I'm going to tell everybody else what they are. And that's what. What an 8 might want to do, because they're very aggressive and they like to have that power. Right? But again, what I would tell you, if people want to know more about the Enneagram, please lead them to me. You know, I would take that honor and privilege very, very seriously. I take the responsibility very seriously. But you don't want to turn anybody off from this beautiful tool that I know that you believe in. Right. You got to slow play this a little bit and make them interested and curious in it and let them take their own little discovery journey on it. Absolutely. Lead them to this podcast, my Instagram, or my website, which is under construction right now. You know, you want them to buy into this when they're ready. Right. A lot of times we will unintentionally and subconsciously want to type people because we want answers. We want answers and we want, you know, to be able to more effortlessly communicate. Especially if it's somebody that, you know, you're intimate with, like a friend or a life partner or even your children. I get it. But having the wrong information really doesn't serve anyone. And if you try to put somebody in a box like myself that does not want to do it, you're going to ruin it for them. You know, my therapist was the one that introduced me to the Enneagram, and I was not at a good place in my life. This was over a decade ago, and I was in rehab, and clearly my life was not in the best place. And she Wanted me to do this assessment, and I basically told her to fuck off. And. Because I felt like I was being boxed in, and I felt like, great, I'm going to get another label slapped on me. Thankfully, I was at a position in my life where I had to surrender, but that's. That's not how this is going to work for a lot of people. So, you know, walk the Enneagram. Talk more than you talk it, and people will genuinely be curious. And then you can lead them to the right people that can speak this to them. Because a lot of people will assume if you're trying to type them, you have an ulterior motive. That's just human nature. It is what it is. And so if you want them to drink this Kool Aid, too, then send them to me and let me help the situation. You'll get a lot further, a lot faster if you do that. Another way that we use the Enneagram inappropriately is as a weapon. Right. Once we know what somebody's type is, we start using it as the reason for anything or. And everything. Right? It's like, oh, of course, you know, you ask a lot of questions. You're a six. Or, oh, you don't really want to help. You're just doing it because you're a two. Oh, oh, you can't focus because you're a seven. Oh, you're just gonna just control me because you're an eight, or it has to be done your way, or, you know, like, that's using it as a weapon. Okay. It's fun. You know, in my household, I live with a two and a seven. My children, I'm in a relationship with a four. My best friend is a six. And we can joke around about it, but when we start using it as a weapon, especially when we're feeling like we're in a vulnerable situation and we want to hit below the belt, sometimes we'll use it as a weapon. And absolutely, you know, if you start using it as an accusation, you're going to get pushback, and you're going to lose the effectiveness of this beautiful tool. I can understand in my head, when I am dealing with any of those people that are closest to me, I know what's happening, but I don't have to vocalize it. It's like, okay, she's losing her mind because she's feeling a lack of certainty. Yes. She's asking a lot of questions. Yes. She's spinning out. Yes. I know. That's because she's a six. Right. I don't have to say it, because you put people in boxes when you do that. And when people are in stress or crisis, they don't want to hear this freaking label. They don't. They don't. When my son is losing his mind and he's starting to get defensive and he's in his unhealthy eight because he's a two, I know what's happening. If I say, oh, you're under stress, you're in your unhealthy eight, he's going to be like, mom, shut your mouth. That is not what's happening. Even though it is, right? There's a way to understand the Enneagram without using it as a weapon and using it as a tool and a compass instead of a label system. And one of the top three ways that we misuse the Enneagram is as a wall, right? I've always said this. Don't use it as a weapon and don't use it as a wall. I absolutely, without question, would have done this back in the day had I had this information when I wasn't at my best, I would have been like. And I have with other things before, like, I'm Irish. Really, really Irish. I'm. I'm an Aries, you know, I've said, like, well, that's just who I am. Deal with it. That's just the way I am. That's the way I was raised. I'm just an 8. You can't use your Enneagram type as an excuse for your crappy behavior, right? And I see this a lot. Or this is how you box yourself in. You use it as an excuse, it becomes a scapegoat for behavior rather than an invitation to notice and to choose a belief or behavior that is a healthy way to respond or to navigate a situation. For instance, a way that is a misuse of the Enneagram. Let's say for an Enneagram one, you should just expect me to be perfect. Harsh, judgmental perfectionism. It's just the way that I am. So using it like that keeps you stuck. And because I talk about the integration of it, and if you just know your core Enneagram type, you're missing the boat. I'm all about growth and integration of it. So if you know your growth number, right? So let's go back to the Enneagram one, right? If you know the Enneagram growth number is the seven, you know, if you say, well, I'm just a perfectionist, that's just the way that I am, then you're basically saying, I don't want to be a better person. I don't want to level up. I don't want to grow. And I know if you're listening to this podcast, that's not true. So you have to be committed to saying yes. My Enneagram one ways have these tendencies. And it's because my biggest fear is X, Y, and Z, and I'm motivated by X, Y, and Z. And because I am committed and raising my hand to growth every single day until my time on Earth is done, I will stretch myself. Yes, these are certain things that come up for me as an Enneagram one, let's say. But I am here to grow. And when I was looking in rehab at the maybe unhealthy behaviors of the Enneagram A, you know, being aggressive and domineering and controlling and kind of cold at times, I know that that is rooted in the biggest fear. Right? I know that. And if I'm going to choose to live in fear, then those behaviors are what's going to continue to show up. And I know for each and every one of you, you're here to do mighty beautiful things. You want to make an impact in your homes and in your businesses and. And in whatever you're here to do on this Earth. And that using this as a wall and an excuse to stay stuck, you're missing the boat. You can't control the things that happen in this world. I've said this a lot. I'm not a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, because there's really some horrible crap that does happen. But I do know this to be true, that everything that does happen, you can use for something beautiful, to grow, to improve, and to make a difference in this lifetime. I absolutely believe that. And at 50 years old, I have enough receipts to show evidence of that. It doesn't mean it's fun or it's easy or without pain or convenient or inexpensive at times. But I do know that using the compass of the Enneagram and the framework and integration and using this in all areas of your life will allow you to tap into that calling that's on your life a lot faster, a lot more effectively. And you will end up with the support around you because you will know how to more effectively communicate with those that you love, with those that you lead, and with those that you're here to meet. Right? So if we start using the Enneagram in these three ways, you know, typing people, using it as a weapon, or is it a wall, it will turn this Enneagram thing, the thing that you love so much will turn into a source of resentment, disconnect, distance, and it will limit your self development, your personal development, your intimacy, your relationships and your connection. Using Enneagram for teamwork involves self reflection and catching your default beliefs and behaviors of your core type and the others and stretching to spend more time at your best. This is what's required when we raise our hand and say, I want to integrate the Enneagram personally and professionally in all areas of my life. So what do you do about it? Right? You direct people to my podcast. Quite honestly, there's a lot of great information out there. I'm not minimizing any of the other Enneagram teachers out there there. I am the expert on integration of it personally and professionally. And I will go toe to toe with any, anyone. When I was getting accredited for the the assessment that I use, leaders that had been doing this for 20, 25 years asked me why I was in, why I was doing this. Because I should be teaching this. I'm like, well, I do teach it, but I really want this personality assessment. I want this assessment. And so that is what I'm going to bring to you now. I am doing typing sessions live with you. I am working on something for many of you that maybe want to do this, but you don't have maybe the time or the resources to spend an hour and a half with me. And that's totally understandable, but you want to have the correct information. I'm working on something that by the end of the summer it should be ready to go so that you can just pop it in and I will assess your assessment and then let you know where you're at on the Enneagram. Also, I do a lot of team workshops and team dynamics. It isn't as elaborate as you might think. I have packages that can fit all different kinds of budgets. It's powerful. I do consulting work with teams. That has been the bulk of what I've been doing. I mean, I just did team workshops with Google legal firms, corporate offices, health and wellness companies, you know, Fortune 500 companies. It's amazing that more people are understanding the power of understanding the team dynamics using the Enneagram. If you are somebody that has even a small business one to two, I'm working with a law firm that has, you know, three lawyers in it and we're doing their team dynamics. It's powerful when we understand who it is that we are leading with, walking along beside loving, raising, when we can kind of speak each other's language coming from the right place. We can move faster and more effectively in all the things that we want. We create deeper connection, support and intimacy in all of our relationships. And that's really what it's all about. I know when my time on earth is done. I know at this point the people that are still in my life, you know, a lot of people have left and that's okay too. But I know that the people that are in my life day in and day out know the intent of everything that I say or do with them. So. And I know that you want the same if you want more information on doing this for yourself, or with teams or marriages or couples or families, please reach out. You can find me on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can shoot me a DM or go to more this is probably better go to traceeomalley.com the work with me section. If you don't see what you're looking for there, you can always send an email infoacyomalley.com I can customize any kind of work with you, your families, your teams, all of it. And it's amazing. It's amazing. I did a 30 minute just discovery call with somebody and I was able to help her kind of narrow down like where her kids are at, you know, at least narrow it down and have something to work towards. And we're going to be doing her and her husband as well as her entire business. So it's beautiful when we have this framework and this tool in our life so that we can really do what we're here to do. As always, I'm super grateful for your love, for your support. This podcast has been doubling in size the last few months. It's been exciting to see that more of you are being impacted by the beautiful gift of the Enneagram and this leadership formula that I use in all areas. It means the world to me. If you know that somebody that you love or lead or are friends with or whatever needs to hear some of the messages that I am bringing to you, please continue to share it so that I can get in front of more of you and really help you use this beautiful tool in your lives. As always, it is my goal to help you become the ultimate leader in your life. And until next time, I'm just so grateful for you.

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I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.