EP250: How is your Emotional Management Affecting your Money, Mood, and Mind—How to Use the Enneagram to Get it in Check

Welcome to the Leadership Formula Podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships, to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hello. Hello, and welcome back to another episode at the Leadership Formula Podcast. I'm your host, Tracy Omalley. And today, you know, there's a lot of buzz around emotional intelligence. And honestly, it is. It is one of the most important skills to master. It really, really is not just your own emotional intelligence, but when you can understand other people. That's why I love the Enneagram. It's why I continue to bring you episode after episode after episode around the Enneagram. Because it really is like this fast pass to understanding emotional intelligence. But there's another side. It's one thing to have. You know, you've heard me say this all the time, like, information doesn't equal transformation and intelligence. A lot of that is just understanding and information and cognitive. But there's something called emotional regulation, right? This is the ability to exert control over one's own emotional state, right? And this is the secret sauce. And this is why I am so damn passionate about helping you integrate the Enneagram into your life, in leadership, in your homes, and in your businesses. Because this is where the magic happens. And, you know, a little story time. I am feisty. I am a fireball. That's never changing, right? But how I express that absolutely has changed over the last years. And it's not just because I've gotten older and wiser. It's because of this emotional regulation that came after some emotional intelligence. And this is really, really important. And I don't know if I could regulate my emotions as well as I do without understanding the framework of the Enneagram. Because, you know, when you're wired, maybe like me, and, you know, if you're listening right now, and you are more of a withdrawn type or a more compliant type, right. Within the Enneagram, there's like three different categories, which is something that doesn't get talked about a lot, right? There's Three that are assertive types. There are three that are more compliant types and three that are more withdrawn types. And so, you know, the more assertive types are the three sevens and eights, meaning they're quick to just react and move through things, right? And then the withdrawn types are the fours, fives, and nines. So when things kind of happen, they turn more inward and pull back. And then the more compliant types, the ones, the twos and the sixes, they become like rule followers and black and white thinking. And so with the more assertive types, especially that emotional regulation looks more external, and it doesn't always look so great. The more withdrawn, your emotional regulation kind of makes people feel, like, abandoned, and the more compliant can feel very controlling, right? So really understanding the framework of your Enneagram will help you not only take this emotional intelligence and do something with it, but really be able to understand what's going on. Because emotional regulation involves behaviors such as rethinking challenging situations to reduce anger, anxiety, or shame. May allow you to navigate visible signs of sadness or fear, and focusing on reasons to feel happy or calm, even when you're holding, like, sadness or grief or anger at the same time, Right? So while there are many ways to influence your emotional state for the better, emotional regulation often involves kind of reducing the intensity of emotions. And this is where the Enneagram can really help you. Because it's like this pause button, right? It's one thing to know your type and be like, yay, I'm a three. Yay, I'm a seven. Whatever, who cares? Like, that's great. But understanding the core motive and the core fear behind each of those will allow you to kind of reduce the intensity of your emotions. It doesn't mean you don't feel them, right? Here's the thing. All of the emotions are extremely important. How we express them, however, is where shit goes sideways, right? Anger is a very healthy emotion and valid emotion. So is sadness. All of it, right? When we get stuck in it or when we use it to maybe protect that core fear, that core motive, that's when things go sideways very, very quickly.

So why is emotional regulation important? Well, it keeps us. It keeps the main thing. The main thing, right? I think a lot of times when things get heated or, you know, like I get heated, people in my life turn more inward or kind of hide out. I can hide out too, but usually my first go to is like the explosion, right? When we don't hit that pause button and know how to regulate the emotional aspect of things, we end up Making more or turning something into something that wasn't the whole thing to begin with, right? It's like when you are arguing with somebody and it's like, I don't even know what we were fighting about when we started, but it turned into, like, six different things, right? It's really, really important to keep the main thing. The main thing and how we do this is through understanding your core Enneagram type. It really, really does help with this. So I'll give you a little example. Say, okay, my son, he's an enneagram2. And an enneagram2's biggest fear is not being appreciated or liked, okay? So he's currently dealing with something in his professional life where he yesed himself into a corner, and within two weeks, he was like, oh, gosh, I just yesed myself. And he can't find his way out of it necessarily the way that he wants. He just wants to change his mind. And. And it doesn't always work that way. He can change his mind, right? But there are consequences to that. And I think a lot of times when we change our mind, which is totally valid, and we all have that, right, we usually want to do that without the consequence that comes with that, right? And so for an enneagram 2, the shame hits. The shame comes deep and heavy. And when a 2 is feeling extreme shame, they can look like a very emotional, unhealthy eight, and they can become a little snippy and defensive and salty and spicy and resentful. And that never turns out well for A two, right? Because then they feel like an asshole, which is like the least thing they are in a lot of ways. And, you know, helping him, saying, okay, yes, you backed yourself into a corner here. Now, going down this shame spiral and the anger, like, it's important to be angry, right? But let's do something that moves the anger into something positive instead of blowing up the rest of your life, right? So for each of you understanding not just your core type, but what that looks like when you're going to stress what that looks like when you are saying, I want to grow, which was the whole thing that he wanted. He wanted to grow. He wanted to grow. And he was raising his hands saying, I want to grow. And he took the first thing that made him feel really liked and appreciated, right? Which may not have been the best thing for him, but when we kind of jump to the gun or let our ego take over, which all Enneagram types can do, because it feels really good, really, really good in the moment, and Then we find ourselves in a pickle. And depending on who you are and your social or your instinctual response to life, whether you're self preservation, a one on one or a social type, that can make this look really, really, really different. So learning how to control, and I don't even like using, I like the word regulate versus control. Because controlling usually means we shove it down or we sweep it under the rug. I don't like that at all. Because if we sweep things under the rug or shove it down or try to bypass it, it's going to keep coming up. And usually when it comes up, even if we bypassed it for a short period of time, it's going to come up at the worst time. That's not convenient, not fun, going to leave a lot of wreck and usually can get kind of expensive, right? Either energetically, emotionally, physically and financially. So learning how to regulate your emotion is really, really important, right? And changing the come from. And when we understand our core enneagram type and that we're motivated by one thing and we have one fear when we feel the emotions start to rise, whether that's withdrawing or exploding or spinning out or whatever, when we understand that when that is happening, our cor. Fear is being nicked a little bit or somebody is messing with our motive behind things, right? When we know that, it's like, okay, we can pause and like, okay, where do I feel XYZ based on your enneagram type. So that kind of allows you to slow your roll a little bit. Which I promise you, even for some of us that like to just power through things, slowing my roll a little bit allows me to power through things more effectively and from the right place. Okay? So I know all of my three sevens and eights out there are being like, yeah, I don't want to really slow down, but we're going to have to slow down if we don't deal with this. Right? We're here to play the long game. And that being said, just understanding like this is the difference between emotional intelligence and emotional regulation as well. It's one thing to know this, but this is also a muscle. This is a muscle that you have to build. It is required. It is required. We don't decide that tomorrow we're going to be in the Olympics and then we just show up and win a gold medal. It doesn't work that way. It takes years. It takes an unconditional commitment. It takes consistency every single day. Willing to be messy in building this muscle. The first time we get in the gym and start Lifting weights. It hurts like hell. We're messy. Our form is off, right? And it's only through repetition. Reps build confidence, y'. All. Not just in the gym, but even in building these spiritual and emotional muscles, it's really, really important to say, hey, I'm here for this. I'm gonna keep building these muscles. And it's just like the gym. If you build them up and then be like, okay, I'm good. I'm never going to the spiritual gym again. It's gonna feel like starting over the first time you get walloped upside the head, right? There's a reason why in the last 10 years especially. I mean, I've been at personal development for hardcore 22 years, but really, really, like, in the thick of it. Every Single day for 10, I've been building these muscles solid every single day for 10 years. There's a reason why. I mean, I've been hit sideways by so much over the last decade that even when it does hurt and it does disrupt my life or it does scare me or fire me up, that I don't get off track. I really don't. Maybe for an afternoon, maybe at most a weekend, right? And it's because of building this muscle. And so if you are listening and you're like, yes, I want to learn about the enneagram, so I can check that box. That's not how this works. Yeah, I mean, you can, but you won't feel the gift of not just the emotional intelligence, not just the emotional regulation, but be able to integrate this in all areas of your life so that you can do everything that you're here and that you deserve and desire. Just say, like, just know and just say, like, I'm in this for the long haul, and this stuff that I'm trying to teach you here is not a box to check. I get asked a lot, like, can you teach me all the things I enneagram? And, yes, I can. But if you're not living it, then it's just information. It really is just information, and it's great. And it's great to put on your bookshelf, and it's great to have this in your tool belt, but if you don't know how and when to pick it up, I am failing you. So I really want to help you understand that emotional intelligence is great. Emotional regulation is even better. There's a movie out there that I love, and a lot of times I will assign it as homework for people that I work with professionally and personally, and it's called Inside Out. And I've mentioned it before in the podcast, but it is a beautiful. It's a children's movie, but it is just as much for adults as it is children. I think it's actually more important for adults because we've really learned to compartmentalize, which I'm not necessarily saying compartmentalization is always bad. There's a time and a place for it. But when we go to compartmentalize, and usually when adults compartmentalize, we're shoving shit under the rug, right? There's a big difference between compartmentalizing and pausing versus, like, I'm going to deal with this at a later time. And usually that later time is not a good thing. But this movie, Inside out, is a beautiful story about how all the emotions are important, right? And we need all of them. And we are always grieving something, whether it's a person that has left the earth, a relationship, an old version of ourself, an identity that we used to carry. Stages of life, you know, I'm becoming an empty nester here. It's. We're always grieving what was right. And it's part of life. It really, really is. And although some aspects of grieving a part of our life or a person or a relationship or identity is harder than others, they're all really necessary. And you have to go through all the stages in order to get to acceptance and transformation and to grow from those experiences. And that's why all of the emotions are really, really important. But even more important than knowing that we have all the emotions is how to manage them in a healthy, regulated way. But inside out is a beautiful part of that. So I love the emotion of anger. I really do. I always have. It makes me feel powerful. It makes things feel more productive. It feels like there's movement and anger is really important. However, a lot of times I would just use that one and try to bypass the sad parts, right? And if you try to bypass the sad parts of that, you never fully get to acceptance. And the same shit will keep showing up in your life. And I know you do not want that, right? So if this is something you want to dive into and, you know, really learn the tools, not just of the understanding of all of this. This is why, you know, with the Enneagram, I am the leading expert on integration of it. I'm not probably the best information teacher, but if you really want to take this information and integrate it in all areas of your life so that when things do come up, your emotions are regulated, you're going to feel all of them. You're going to move through all of them more effectively and more efficiently. And this will create an elegance in your life that even when the hard things happen, you can not just move through them, but learn the beauty in that. And especially if you're a parent, I'm telling you, this is probably the most underrated thing that we are here to teach our children. It really, really is. I think emotional regulation is where as parents, we kind of go sideways. I really do believe that. And even in leadership, we can go sideways with this. And this is an area of my specialty, is teaching you not just emotional intelligence, but emotional management and regulation so that everything that you're actually feeling, you can not just put words to it, but use it for something beautiful in your life and in your homes and in your businesses. If this is something you want to dive into, I do this. I help you with this. In my Enneagram kickstart sessions, it's 90 minutes of greatness where not only do you get the information, I teach you how to integrate it into all areas of your life so that when things do happen, the emotions are regulated, you move through it, you get to acceptance and transformation so that you can step into that greatness that you are here to be and have and do what you're called to do in this lifetime. It's beautiful. You can go to Tracyomalley.com, the work with me section. Powerful, powerful. 90 minutes. It's life changing. Absolutely. Having tools in your toolbox is important, but knowing how and when to use them with everything that goes on in your very multifaceted and complex life. Life changing, life changing. And it is my life's work to help more of you really know how to integrate this in your life, to create legacy within your families, in your businesses and just with every person that you are here to make an impact with. If you need more of this in your life, please continue to find me on Instagram and shoot me a message. I love your feedback. I love how much you guys are shar sharing the podcast. The podcast has doubled in downloads in the last six months. It's been crazy. The momentum that is picking up and that has everything to do with you guys and you telling me what you need more of and what you get from this. It is my honor and I feel super privileged to be able to walk alongside of you guys in this journey. Now, if you want more than just like a kickstart session, I have a few spots open currently for my private one on one coaching, which is a three month period. Imagine having me on speed dial every single day for three months. And that is exactly what my one on one private coaching looks like. It is my favorite, my favorite work to do and you really get not just somebody guiding you through all the things you get a real look into my life in real time because I use a lot of my experiences because my life is going on too. And just because I know all this information, if I'm not integrating it in my life, it's kind of pulling pointless. And so when you work privately with me, you get a real look into my life and how I navigate these things too. And the way that we lead best is by example. And so if you are ready to have the master's program kind of guidance, My private one on one coaching is by application only. I only take a very small few and I don't take everyone because you really have to raise your hand and say I'm ready. I've had it. I'm ready. I know that I'm ready for what's next in my life. That is also@tracyomalley.com, the work with me section. By application only. I'd be honored to guide you through probably the most important tools I've ever had in my life that have allowed me to be an incredible mother. I am. I will take full ownership of that. A beautiful friend, a good partner in life and excellent mentor to many and have a lot of wealth created, not just financially but emotionally as well. If you're ready for that and you know you're being called to this work, please go to fill out an application. It would be an honor to work with you. You guys. I'm so grateful for you. Please share this episode with somebody who needs to hear it, or a friend or people that you love or lead. It is always my goal to help you become the ultimate leader in your life and until next time, talk to you soon.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula Podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources is on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.