EP253: How Each Enneagram Type Reacts to Stress, and How You Can Best Help Yourself and Others Thru it

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Well, hello and welcome back to the Leadership Formula Podcast. I am your host, Tracy o', Malley, and we talk about all things leadership, Enneagram entrepreneurship, all the things that help you step into the ultimate leader in your life. And I was doing a pretty awesome team workshop with a department in a very large company yesterday. And you know, at the end of the workshop, I always leave plenty of time for questions. Hot seat coaching. It's really, really cool. If you have a team, highly recommend bringing me in to help you with this so you can understand, you know, who's in your team and why things go the certain ways that they do under stress and when we're growing and when everything's great, it just allows you to have insight into all the different people that work alongside of you, whether it's in your home team or your work life team. But one of the questions that came up yesterday was excellent, and it was given to me by an enneagram3, a social enneagram3 man. And I thought it was such a great question. You know, I'm in the enneagram 24 7. It feels like almost for 10 years. And I love it. I love it so much. I never, never, never, never get tired of talking about it, which is awesome because it's so powerful and so helpful and sometimes I forget, like, the simple things. And this man asked such a great question. So I thought I'd do a whole podcast episode on it because as I've told you before, like so many of you, focus on what your core Enneagram type is. And having that right information absolutely is the first step in using the framework and the system of the Enneagram to help you grow to lead, just to use the beautiful system that it is. And I've told you before, like, next to my faith, that the Enneagram is my number one tool in my toolbox. So that's Saying a lot for the power and beauty in it and getting typed properly is absolutely the first step. And you know, 65 to 70% of the online assessments are inaccurate. That's why what I do with you can help you. And I'm bringing something to you very, very soon where even if you can't get time on my calendar, there will be a way for you to get your enneagram type blueprint accurate. Full of details, information and integration tools coming very soon. I cannot wait. I keep saying it so that I make sure I get this done. Now, that being said, for each core enneagram type, whatever your core enneagram type is, that never changes. It never changes, but the expression of it can. And yesterday the question was about our stress number and how to help others when they're in their stress number. And many of you may not even know that you have a stress number. So there's four enneagram types connected to your core type. And I always tell people that I work with, I want you to study the four that are connected to you actually more than your core enneagram type. Because you know what your enneagram type, you can do that in your sleep. It's pretty, pretty much who you are all the time. Using the four connected to you as tools in your toolbox and knowing how and when to use them, and also using them as a compass to kind of gauge where at and the number about the direction of disintegration or stress. Sometimes it's called on. The framework of the enneagram is a really valuable thing to understand. And before I knew this system, this tool, there was like no rhyme or reason that I could pinpoint of, like when the flip got switched, right? Have you ever become so stressed that like you flipped a switch and acted like a completely different human? Maybe if you're like me. Sometimes it felt like an out of body experience or you felt completely beyond your own control. Well, with the enneagram system, there is a reason for that. And each enneagram type has an area of disintegration or stress that they veer towards when they become especially stressed. But before that time happens, there's also like a sequence of unhealthy behaviors or feelings that may occur. This is kind of like understanding your enneagram type. And maybe the not so pretty parts, right? The parts that when we read about our enneagram type, we're like, oh shit, that's me, right? Like once those stop working, there's another number that we kind of dive into. And that's what we're going to explore today. I really wanted to share this with you because it's really powerful information. Now for each Enneagram type, and I'll whip through them so you know what your disintegration or stress number is Again, it's to be used as a compass, not as a shame stick to whip yourself and, like, you know, call yourself a piece of crap or to judge yourself or anybody else, right? This is just to be used as like a roadmap. And it's kind of like when you've gone off roading a little bit, this is what your disintegration number looks like. And it's funny, because my stress number is very evident to me. It looks very, very different than my typical personality that the world sees and that I let the world see. And I never understood it. I just thought, like, oh, my God, what is wrong with me? And now understanding that direction that I go when I'm pushed to the brink, it, number one, allows me to have more compassion for myself. And also it helps me pull out of it a lot faster, right? And it helps me get to the source of what is really going on. Now, the disintegration or stress that you go to is also an indication that your core fear has been nicked, right? So for each enneagram type, there's a core fear. And if we reverse engineer what's really bugging you, I guarantee it all boils down to that one core fear. For me, it's always being betrayed, violated, or put in a vulnerable situation. And when I am pushed to the brink, it's because that is being triggered or nicked or somebody has just scraped it, right? And I can understand that. It's like, okay, what can I do around that? How can I communicate a little bit better or ask for my needs to be met in a different way? Right? All of this is a beautiful GPS system and a roadmap to your soul. So no matter what personality type you are, you know, there's types in both the direction of your integration. And I've talked a lot about the growth and then the disintegration. Knowing this and knowing the people that you love or lead will really, really help you. Ultimately, the goal is for each of us to move around the Enneagram, integrating what each of what each type symbolizes and acquiring the healthy potential of all the types. That's the goal of the Enneagram. Now, the good news is, is you have five, really, that you. You can learn like the back of your hand, your core type and the four connected to you. Now, what does this stress number do? So if you think about your Enneagram type, you know, you've probably looked at the parts that aren't so pretty. And then when that goes to the next level, you're like, oh, my gosh, I'm like a different human. I'm like a different human. And I'll go into this really, really quickly. So here are your stress or disintegration numbers based on your Enneagram type. And I'll kind of break down what that looks like and how to help yourself or someone else of their Enneagram type. If you kind of recognize that this is happening again, meeting them with compassion, empathy, love, patience, all the things. All right, so if you're an Enneagram one, your stress number is the Enneagram four. That means you move into the behaviors, and you can look a little bit like the 4. For the Enneagram 2, your stress number is an Enneagram 8. Right? That. That helpful, beautiful, compassionate 2 all of a sudden looks like me on steroids. Not so great sometimes, right? The three under stress, extreme stress, their stress number is the Enneagram 9. For the Enneagram 4, your stress number is the Enneagram 2. I will go into what these mean. For the five, your stress number is the EnnEagram 7. For an Enneagram 6, the loyal skeptic, your stress number is 3. For the seven Enneagram 7, your stress number is an Enneagram 1. For my Enneagram 8, fellows like myself, our stress number is the Enneagram 5. And finally, for the Enneagram 9s, your stress number is Enneagram 6. Now. Great. What does that mean? Right? What does that mean? So if. If you're an Enneagram one, what usually will stress you out is like not seeing action taken, shame over mistakes you've made, not living up to your own expectations, or others not living up to your expectations. That's just a small list, right? There's. There's a lot of things that piss off an Enneagram one, you're normally grounded, but when one is under stress, you can become moody and withdrawn. And you're often burned out by trying to live up to these ever increasing expectations. So how to help your or another one under stress? Like let them have an outburst. They're usually put together. Just be with them. Don't judge, don't try to fix it. Maybe take on some of the responsibilities around them without having to be asked. Acknowledge the hard work that they've Put in, thank them for all they've done, Give them some alone time to decompress and realize that they might be especially moody and critical and just try to be patient. Because A1, when they're like this, it can be a lot. So just patience is the key here. Now, an Enneagram 2. So for an Enneagram 1, all those things can look like an unhealthy 4, right? The moodiness, the emotional, the outbursts, things like that. Now, in Enneagram 2, in stress, what stresses out in Enneagram 2? Being taken for granted, Feeling unappreciated or unliked or unloved over, Yesing themselves to death, feeling left out, just to name a few. The core desire of the two is to feel loved and for who they truly are. And so the twos need to nurture themselves as much as they nurture others. But they often overextend themselves, the other's behalfs. And so this is where their resentment can kind of pile up. And so when you start to see them look more eight, like, you know, maybe more domineering, aggressive, defensive, it's hard to not take it personal because it's so out of their character. It's usually when my son and I used to go to, like, kill each other. But recognizing like, again, this is a compass. If you love or lead a two or you are a two, it's like the warning lights on the car. Let them know how much you care and acknowledge the kind of things that they have done. Help them set up healthy boundaries or you need to set up healthy boundaries if you are too. Reminding yourself or the two in your life that they don't need to worry so much about what other people think of them with gentleness, like just being kind of aggressive about it, that will set them off even more. Ask them if they want to vent or if they want help. What I'll usually say to a two is, what can you take off your table? What can you unyes yourself? How can you unyes yourself right now? What can you kind of pull off the plate? All right, for my Enneagram threes, under stress, you guys go to the Enneagram nine. What stresses out a three? Not seeing progress towards a goal, Feeling like a failure, Being incompetent or feeling incompetent or being around it. Not being acknowledged for what they do, losing, comparing themselves, just to name a few, for the Enneagram three. And, you know, the three, everybody is highly focused and driven to succeed, and they often burn themselves out trying to be the best at whatever they do, never afraid of a challenge. They enjoy proving themselves and standing out. However, when they are highly stressed, they can push themselves way too hard, punish themselves too viciously, and when extreme stress hits, they can suddenly flip that switch and become more listless and horizontal. I like to say they're like horizontal. They will fill their time with busy work to try and avoid facing the reality. A little procrastination. So how you help out a three, or if you are a three, take your mask off. Let them take their mask off. Patience again with yourself and the other threes in your life and let them talk about what's bothering them. Give them time alone. To decompress is really important. Help them get in tune with their body. Or if you are a three, being very cognizant of that somatic work really helps. Encouraging them not in a forceful way, because they can kind of take that as you're judging them, to talk about feelings. Being authentic about your own vulnerabilities with a 3 will help them open up. Yeah, threes, when they're stressed, it's hard because they're just so see the goal, hit the goal, and when they feel like they're spinning their wheels and they're burnt out, they're panicking. They're really panicking. So patience and not trying to rush them through a process, because they rush through life anyway. So not trying to rush them through this process will be really important. The other thing I wanted to say about the stress numbers, too, is you can also use this stress number. It's a tool in your toolbox. You don't have to just kind of lean into what the unhealthy of these numbers looks like. You can also go to the stress number and start to use the tools that they bring positively to the table. So, like, for the one, you know, you can be more emotional in a healthy way before you're pushed to the brink. For the twos, you can be more decisive and direct before you're pushed to the brink. For the threes, you can be more easygoing and see the bigger picture instead of being pushed to the brink and then just tapping out. Okay, so I wanted to say that too. You can also use your stress number for something positive. That's really cool about the framework of the enneagram. All right, now, Enneagram fours under stress, what stresses a four out is having to go along with the crowd. Too many external pressures, feeling misunderstood or micromanaged, just to name a few. You know, they're imaginative. They can be melancholy fours. Believe in being deeply authentic and finding their unique identity in the world. And they hate being forced into a box or unable to express their true feelings. So when they're stressed, fours tend to isolate themselves and kind of brood over their negative feelings. They dwell on the darkness of their emotions and allow those feelings to engulf them. Right. This is where they can kind of look like an unhealthy two or a two that feels taken advantage of. Right. So four might try too hard to please others or find ways to get closer to people. Right. And this is where they can seem more needy and people pleasing and craving that affirmation. So the cool thing is, is, you know, a 4 can also get outside of their head a little bit and inside of outside of themselves a little bit and lean into the positive parts of the two as well. So how to help a stressed out four, if you are one or love or lead one is allowing them to express their feelings and don't tell them how they feel and never cut them off and understand that their feelings are unique to them. Remind them of what's real and what they can count on. Absolutely. Don't minimize their feelings, but point out the reality of the situation while empathizing with them. I do this one a lot with the four in my life. And reminding them of their talents and strengths. Right. And setting up positive routines that will create a little more peaceful atmosphere and structure. Like when fours can get just even the tiniest bit of structure. It's a game changer for them, but you have to be gentle with them. All right. My enneagram fives in stress, what stresses them out is not getting enough alone time, being barged in on incompetency, feeling incapable, feeling too detached from the physical world, physical malnutrition and neglect, being overwhelmed by fears and dark thoughts, just to name a few. Right. Fives crave mastery in something that will set them apart from others so they can really go down the rabbit hole of getting information. And, you know, they often felt misunderstood and lost in their families growing up and they were worried that they weren't capable of handling whatever kind of life hurled at them. And so this is why they kind of believed that through mastery in a certain area, certain expertise, that they could feel competent. However, they can search endlessly for mastery and knowledge only to get lost in it, which is where they can look like the unhealthy seven. Right. You know, the typical seven. That enthusiast. That's not necessarily what they. They don't look like the stereotype, but the. The insatiable need for more. Right. I need more information. More information, More information. And over time, that can cause them to become more reclusive, detached, and anxious. Right. So how do you help a five when they're stressed out or if you are a five, how to kind of manage this and have compassion for yourself. Quiet your mind. Find a way to quiet your mind. I usually tell a 5 to get near water, right? Or breath work or yoga. Fives are like, really? Yes, really. I promise you. Being in tune to their body is very, very important because they, they really can be completely detached. It's their gift and also their kryptonite. Get involved in a healthy activity. Being around nature or animals is really good. Letting them know if you love or lead a Five, that you'll be there for them regardless of whatever happens and that it's okay to tell you about their needs and it doesn't make them weak. It's why fives and eights really have this unique bond. So I love working with fives too. And they, they like me too. Recognizing their accomplishments or if you are a five, like giving yourself a good old pat on the shoulder, just to name a few, but helping them feel their feelings. They don't want to, but it's really important. It really is important. And this is where like, your wings can really help you. Like, your wings can help you get out of the stress number. I'll get more into that in a minute. All right. For the Sixes, you know what stresses a six out? Everything. Pretty much undependable. People not trusting themselves, not trusting other people, not having support, getting lost and catastrophizing, you know, because they, they think worst case scenario to be able to troubleshoot lack of structure, burnout from over committing, not finding answers to their questions, just to name a few. A lot. Like, I think out of all the enneagram types, the Sixes can be the most stressed out because they are always like thinking about worst case scenario and what's, what's, what's the worst that could happen. They're so hardworking and loyal though. They crave an environment of security, support and structure. They like knowing what's going to happen and when it's going to happen. They're natural catastrophizers. That's how you, how you say the word. They prepare for the worst case scenario and are vigilant to. To any potential disaster. So under stressed, sixes become hyper aware of all that could go wrong, exceedingly anxious, and envision horrific possibilities at every turn. They get lost in endless thoughts and Negative possibilities. And this is where they can start to look like a three. Like they become more image conscious and focused on how they appear to others. A lot of entrepreneurs, all of a sudden it's like the content monster takes a hold of them. They may put on a Persona that is maybe false to try to increase their confidence, but it actually creates a bigger imposter syndrome. Right? And it gets pretty crazy for a six. So how do you help a six? Or if you are a six, how do you help yourself? Remind you, remind yourself of what's real and dependable. A lot of times, you know, asking a six, okay, assume the worst happens, then what will you do? Right? And letting them take it all out and help them calm down, reminding them or yourself that the worst could happen, but that the best could happen as well. Absolutely. Do not patronize a six. Follow through on your commitments and promises. For sure, if they've trusted you, like it took a lot for them to get there, and if you break that trust, you're going to lose them. And letting them know that you're always there for them and help them like the fives, get in tune with their body. Somatic work, really, really important. All right. For enneagram sevens the enthusiast, what stresses out a 7 is being micromanaged, not having freedom, lack of unstructured time, being cooped up, stuck in a box without options. You know, all the things, right? They don't love routine. They're so enthusiastic and innovative, finding possibility in even the toughest situations. Because they're so creative, it's typically easy for them to reframe a negative situation into a positive. That being said, a 7 can still experience stress just like everyone else does. And when sevens are stressed, they become more escapist and impulsive. But when it gets to the next level, to the extreme, they disintegrate into the enneagram one. And when this happens, they restrain their normally free spirited behaviors and they become more critical, more rigid, they work harder, they can be more judgmental, they may even scold nitpicks or become sarcastic with people noticing all the flaws in other people. So how do you help a seven? If you are one or you love or lead one, help them calm down and take deep breaths. I'll usually ask the seven. Okay, where do you feel like you're being trapped or caged in? Right. It stops. It's like a pattern interrupt. It's a pause button. They don't love hard feelings, but helping them move through them will be very, very great. Yoga meditation, super helpful breath Work for Sevens. Very important. And encouraging them to stick with it even if it seems boring. Right? Being supportive as they vent or try to deal with their stuff. Don't interrupt them either. And help them find a song that mirrors their emotions or something like put on a good playlist. They'll love it. All right. Enneagram Eights and stress. What stresses out in enneagram 8? Feeling out of control, micromanaged. Having to be a follower. Having their autonomy, barged in on. Wishy washy people. Having to sugarcoat things. Right. So if you are an Eight or love innate or lead innate. We know you're charismatic and strong willed. My fellow Eights, we crave freedom and a sense of power in our world and we need independence. And any situation that takes that away from us can create an enormous amount of stress and anger. And obviously like Eights are the most obvious when they're under stress because they are explosive and confrontational, probably more than any other Enneagram type. But if it builds to extreme degrees, an 8 suddenly becomes reclusive and withdrawn. And I say we go to the Five cave. Right? Analysis, reading, building a case, info gathering, trying to find things to master and attempt to feel competent. Eights can stop taking care of themselves. I have to watch that one. So how do you help an Eight when they're stressed out? It's tough. Prove that you are someone they can trust, follow through on your promises and mean what you say. Eights more than any other type, really want somebody to actually have their back. But most people say they have their back. But can they really do it right? Giving an 8 some time to decompress and sort some things out. Also, somatic work, breathing, yoga. Proving that they can let their guard down around you will be really, really helpful and show them that progress is being made. All right. Finally, Enneagram Eights under stress. So what stresses out an enneagram 9? Conflict in their environment? Being with people who are making a scene, being forced into anything, being ignored or passed over. Saying yes to things that they don't want to, just to name a few. Because Nines crave inner harmony internally and also in their environment. They're striving for peace. They want time to themselves, to imagine and explore. You know, they worry that by asserting themselves they create more conflicts. So that's sometimes why they'll hold back. They try to suppress their anger, feeling that it will make waves that they don't want. And if stress increases to extreme levels, Nines fixate on forming relationships and security so they can kind of look and behave like an unhealthy six. They go into worst case scenarios. Even if they don't verbalize it, it's going on in their body and in their minds. They might be blaming, passive aggressive. They might bring out the whole laundry list of complaints that they've had, but they've kind of shoved down their normally serene nature crack into like all these numerous anxieties and frustrations. Sometimes you'll see it and sometimes they'll get more withdrawn. Okay, so how do you help a nine? If you are one or love or lead one, Give them permission to assert themselves and their needs. Ask them to let it all out and remind them that this is a judgment free zone. Give them space and time to themselves. Remind them that it's okay to say no to the things that they don't want to do. A lot of times I will tell a nine it is. Okay, you can care deeply, but also the ability to challenge directly, well, eliminate some of this from happening. But the nine can also tap into the beautiful parts of the six and be more strategic and not just so, you know, go with the flow, you know, having a little structure. Same thing with the eights. They can use the five to gather information instead of just being so reactionary sometimes. And same thing with the sevens. The Sevens can use the Enneagram one to add a little more structure to their life. So I love the question about how to use the stress number, the disintegration information, not just to help pull you out, but how to use it in a positive way too. There are all these tools at your fingertips in the framework of the Enneagram and this roadmap to your soul. I love taking people through the process and you can see where knowing this within a team or organization or a family unit really is powerful too. Really, really powerful. I would love to take you through a journey journey either through an Enneagram kickstart session or if you have a team you'd like me to come in and help you with, please go to tracyomalley.com the work with me section. You can find information there. If you have questions, don't hesitate to send me an email or find me on Instagram at traceeomalley where I share all the things with you. It's my honor and privilege. I take what I do so seriously and I freaking love it. I'm passionate. I'm very enthusiastic and confident in what I do. I promise you take this journey with me and you probably will never feel so seen, heard, understood or valued in your life so that you can actually do what you've been called to do, what you're divinely led to do, and step into that ultimate leader in your life. If you love this episode, please share it with somebody that needs to hear it. And as always, I am so grateful for you. Until next time, you guys.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracy tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.