EP255: When Conflict and Adversity Show Up... How Do You react? Diving Deep and Understanding the Harmonic Groups of the Enneagram

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

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Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast where we talk about success, entrepreneurship, leadership, and of course, the Enneagram. Oh, my goodness. You know, I've been dealing with some stuff in my life, quite honestly, relationally, and I gotta tell you, this would look very, very different without not only my understanding knowledge of the Enneagram, but also knowing how to integrate it into my life. And that being said, just because you know the information and even know how to integrate it doesn't always mean things are smooth sailing. It really, really doesn't. And last episode, I talked about the social styles. You know, the Enneagram is broken into categories of three. Everything's bunched into threes, and the most popular set of three that you may be aware of, and I've talked at length about really understanding it, is the centers of intelligence. However, there are other groups within the Enneagram, other triple groupings in the Enneagram a little less known about, and I thought I'd bring them to you. Like last episode I talked about the social styles, right? And you know, sometimes we have the assertive or aggressive, we have the withdrawn and the compliant social styles, right? Today we're going to talk about the Outlook Group, otherwise known as like the Harmonic Group. And this is how the types respond and handle conflict, adversity, and situations when our needs are not met. And like I said, I'm in a season in my life where there's a lot of this going on and it rings true. Understanding this rings true. And it still doesn't always give you resolution, it doesn't always let you reconcile things, but it also helps you make sense when, you know, maybe if you know the Enneagram and know people, people's types, where things all of a sudden turn sideways real quick or it becomes a shit show. Understanding the Harmonic Group, the Outlook Group, will allow you to have a deeper Understanding when things go sideways, how each Enneagram type handles conflict, adversity, and their needs not getting met. You know, understanding these types at their core and what their motive is and what their fears are is absolutely important. That's why I love the Enneagram so much. Knowing how everybody is motivated and the biggest fear that they're working hard to protect by. But we can't always meet people's needs and we're human beings and this is part of it. But understanding how these three groups respond when things aren't going their way will allow you to have a deeper understanding, have more compassion, not only for other people, but also yourself. And you know, I live in a house with two.

20 something year old children. They are not in the same Harmonic group as me. I'm in a relationship with somebody and one of my closest friends is in the same group as me, the outlook group as me. And it's very, very interesting, you know, and obviously because when we're in relation, there will be conflict. And conflict isn't a bad thing. Conflict is honestly the greatest catalyst for growth. It's how we respond or react to it that can make or break what this looks like for you. So I thought I'd go through the groups, the outlook groups, and give you a deeper insight to when things go sideways, why things look the way they look. You know, in practice, when we're integrating this in our life, we have all three harmonic approaches to us in varying degrees. However, you know, based on your Enneagram type, you will tend to have a dominant approach, the one associated with your type. Right. So a particular interest is the combination of harmonic approaches at work when people are resolving conflict. You know, you can see these, how these show up in relationship and professionally can vary from time to time, but you'll still see the patterns here. Now, the three groups, there's the reactive group, there's the positive Outlook group, and the competency group. We're going to start with the reactive approach, which is where yours truly falls in. The three types in this. And one of them is in each center of intelligence. And you're going to notice this theme like we did with the social media. The groups that I did on the last episode is within these groupings. There's always one from each center of intelligence. So in the reactive approach, The Enneagram types 4, 6 and 8 fall into this. The 4, the individualist, is in the feeling heart center of intelligence. The six, the loyalist, falls into the thinking or head center of intelligence. And the eight falls into the gut or instinctual center of intelligence, also known as the challenger. So people whose dominant harmonic approach is their reactive approach are emotionally reactive under stress. I'm living this very thing in real time. They tend to work themselves up when a problem happens and have a hard time containing their feelings. This emotional intensity allows them to feel the realness of the problem. You know, all three of these types can be pretty intense. Now, how they express it can look very, very different between these three types. Right. Even if it is a relatively small problem, these three types, the 4, 6, and 8, can have a big response to it. Venting frustration allows them to move on to dealing with the issue, wanting others to see the realness of the problem. They expect others to react emotionally. Right. So the two. Two of the closest people in my life fall into this category, and they're not eights either, and myself included. When I'm feeling that intensity, you know, I don't understand why other people don't. In the past, I didn't understand why other people didn't feel the intensity, and it almost felt I was being dismissed. Right. So this is why it's important to understand this is if you have somebody that doesn't fall into the reactive approach, but you are, they're not ever going to respond in conflict and things like that, like you will, doesn't mean it feels good, but it's just, just so, you know, when we expect others to react emotionally when we're in this category, this confirms that others agree that indeed our feelings are a big deal. And if others don't respond in the way that we approach want, we can become even more frustrated and emotional. And that's exactly what's happening in my life right now. And it's hard. It's hard because it's a battle of the wills at some point. The reactive approach is not naturally trusting of others. And they have strong opinions and tastes and want to know where others stand. The reactive group's desire for a strong emotional response from others is also can be a way that they test other. Other people. It's a test of trust, quite honestly, how fours look in this. Fours can get into conflicts by being overly moody, temperamental, and self absorbed. Four fours tend to have dramatic and sometimes overdramatic reactions to problems. Fours need to process and internalize their experiences. So if you go off the last episode, they withdraw sometimes before they kind of react. Right. Identity and emotional reactions are highly intertwined to a four. Fours tend to withdraw, like I said, into their imagination, where problems often escalate into feelings of despair. And hopelessness. Fours want to be emotionally open with and trust others, but more so with very close people. The four's emotional guard is down so that they can let others in. Now, the reactivity of sixes. Sixes can get into conflict by being too pessimistic, suspicious, and doubtful. And when you're in a relationship, whether it's friendship, romantic, business, this can feel like very untrusting. Right? Sixes tend to be very anxious people. They're always on the watch for dangers and threats. It's their gift and also their kryptonite. And when conflicts or threats occur, their anxiety comes out, often as long rants, hysterical overreactions, feelings of inferiority. Sixes really want to trust others. You know, they need certainty in their life, and they need to have certainty that they're supported. And often others will put their faith in sixes, but sixes will allow that. But they remain wary of problems. Sometimes they let their guard down. Other times they keep their guard up to ensure that others do not take advantage of them. Sixes can be very testing of your trust. And if you're in a relationship of some sort with another reactive type, it doesn't always end well. Right now, the reactivity of eights. I'm sure most people that know about the enneagram are not surprised at all that the eights fall into the reactive group. Eights can get into conflict by being too willful, defiant, confrontational, and honestly evasive. Eights tend not to censor their own impulses or emotional reactions. It's why the eights, most people that are typed as an 8, a lot of times it's inaccurate. Eights want to feel the realness of conflict because this gives them a stronger sense of being, like I've said before, like, eights eat intensity for breakfast. When conflicts occur, eights are very quick to challenge and confront them. Eights keep their guard up all the time and want to minimize their dependence on and trust in anyone. They do not want others to see their vulnerable side. And so that reactive tendency can sometimes be a front to kind of push people away. Okay, the next outlook group is called the positive outlook approach. And the three types that fall into this group are the the enneagram types 2, 7, and 9. Both my children fall into this group. The twos, the helper, fall into the center of intelligence of the feelings and heart. The 7 is in the thinking and head center of intelligence, and the nine is in the gut or instinctual center of intelligence. So again, you see, there's one from each center of intelligence in these groups. So people whose dominant harmonic approach is the positive outlook approach are generally optimistic and tend to avoid negative thoughts or situations under stress. These three types seek to avoid the problem, distract themselves with something else, or minimize the problem. And how they do that looks very different for all three. And I'll get into that. These types want to feel good and want others around them to feel good. They would rather have everyone happy, including themselves, than to deal with the problems or negativity, especially especially in themselves. Unfortunately, sometimes this approach can lead these three types to deny the existence of their problems and therefore delaying addressing them. It's like these three types sweep things under the rug a lot. How it looks for each type, again, very, very different. These types also have issues with finding a balance between meeting their own needs and meeting the needs of others. So how the enneagram to the helper looks in this positive outlook group is that they can get into conflict by being too clingy, worried, self important. The enneagram Twos tend to focus on their own positive qualities while repressing their own negative thoughts or feelings. Twos believe that they are good and that their good intentions will win them positive approval from others. What others think of Twos is very important to them. So as a result, twos are always looking for ways to meet the needs of others and finding ways to please others. And Twos often reject their own needs in favor of fulfilling the needs of others. Now, how the Sevens look in this positive outlook group is that the Sevens can get into conflict by being impatient, irresponsible, and excessive. So I have a two and I have a seven in my household with my children. Sevens tend to focus on their positive expectations for satisfaction and fulfillment. You know, their name is the enthusiast, after all. Sevens are in fact fleeing from a threatening internal world and seeking security in the external world. If 7 slow down, sometimes their minds may be drawn into the inner world of grief, sadness and disappointment. And they don't want to do that. Their quick minds avoid dealing with conflict and problems through distraction and constant activity. Activity. Sevens do not typically internalize their experiences. They remain somewhat unattached to people and things. That's why they get frustrated with those that can kind of dwell on things, right? They're like, come on, get over it. Move on, move on, move on. In conflict, Sevens can quickly discard things and cancel commitments without feelings of regret or guilt. It is easier to move on to happier things than to stay with things that depression. Sevens tend to reject the needs of others in favor of fulfilling their own Sometimes. Now, finally, in the Positive Outlook group are the Nines, the Peacemaker. They can get into conflict by being too complacent, inattentive, and stubborn. Who can they be? Stubborn Nines tend to focus their positive and harmonious relationships with their environment. Right? That's the whole motive of the Nine is to find harmony in their environment internally and with the people that they love and lead. Nines have a difficult time dealing with conflict or change because it disrupts their peace and stability. The Peacemaker therefore tries to deny or avoid these problems by strengthening their attachment to the status quo. That's where that Peacemaker tendency can kind of get in their way. These problems will take care of themselves, so why bother dealing with them? Is kind of their approach, again, sweeping things under the rug. This is how they deal with it. Nines focus on the needs of others, often accommodating others. Nines try to balance the needs of others with their own needs of autonomy because they are driven by independence and autonomy. But it looks really, really different for the Nines in in regards to that than the other ones in that group. Okay. The final group in the Harmonic triad are the Competency group. And the types that fall into this group are the enneagram 1, 3, and 5. The one is in the gut and instinctual triad, the Reformer, the Improver. Sometimes I call them the Sheriff. The Threes in the feeling or heart center of intelligence, and the Five in the thinking or head center of intelligence. Now, the types that fall into the Competency group, these are people who try to solve problems in an objective, unemotional manner. Right? Their Harmonic approach is competency. Unlike people of the Reactive approach, they don't get worked up when problems happen. They don't. They remain cool, calm, emotionally detached from them. It doesn't mean that they're not having feelings about it. Trust me. The Ones, Threes and Fives do, but they don't like to present them to the world when confronted by a problem. These three types, the Ones, the Threes, the Fives, have issues on working within a framework or structure. Now, how this looks for the Enneagram one, the Reformer, the Improver, the Perfectionist, the Sheriff. Ones get into conflict by being too impatient, rigid and critical. You know, competency is a big deal for them. They are the integrity police. Ones focus on solving problems by doing what's right. Ones strongly believe that following the rules, their faith, or their principles, that they will come to a just and fair solution. Ones feel that they must put their own wants and feelings aside sometimes in order to Remain objective and autonomous from influence. Again, they're driven by autonomy as well. Ones may appear cold to others and that they don't take into account the feelings of others. And that's usually where they can get the bad rap of being self righteous, judgy, critical, never able to please them. Right. So you can see where that can create conflict. Where the Threes show up in the competency group is Threes get into conflicts by being too competitive, insincere, boastful. Threes focus on being efficient and meeting their goals. So when confronted with problems, Threes can easily set aside their own feelings and focus on the task at hand. Right. In general, Threes want to follow existing structures. However, the Three, the achievers are the type that will cut corners in order to reach their goal. So even though they're in the competency triad, they actually really go after the end result and they will cut corners to do that. All right, how this shows up for the enneagram 5, the investigator. Fives get into conflict by being too detached, isolated, provocative. Right. Their gift is that they're unemotional. It's also their kryptonite. Fives naturally detach themselves emotionally from the world to be objective. It's why they are great. Right? They believe that they have the mental resources to deal with problems in conflict. Though the investigator will want to withdraw and think for a while before coming back with a solution, often to the irritation of others. It can feel very abandoning if you don't understand this. When dealing with a five, Fives feel that they can solve things by themselves without relying on each other's where Fives and Eights can really see eye to eye in a lot of things. They may come back with highly original ideas. Thinking outside of the box, that's their gift. On the other hand, they may waste their time by reinventing the wheel. So you can see this is just a deeper look into each Enneagram type. And when things go sideways, it's one thing to know like what an unhealthy 3 or an unhealthy 4 or whatever the type is looks like. But knowing how they handle conflict, adversity and situations by their Harmonic group or their outlook group will allow you to have deeper insight and in turn find deeper compassion for yourself as well as those that you love and lead. Again, just because we understand this information does not always mean that things will just be smooth sailing. It really doesn't. It does help me not take things as personally. Right. And then create a whole trigger response. Triggers are a great, you know, Triggers and conflict are a great opportunity for growth and they're a great opportunity to have amazing transformation in your life. But if you don't know what you're dealing with, sometimes it can create a downward spiral. And you know that, that saying, you know, fall down 7, but get back up 8. This is a way that you can understand yourself and others so that you can kind of nip things in the bud and keep the main thing, the main thing. This is a really powerful understanding. I encourage you to reach out and maybe listen to this episode again on the harmonic approach for these three groups. The Reactive group, the Positive Outlook group, and the competency group, and the Enneagram types that fall into those categories. This is just another beautiful way to help you become the ultimate leader in your life. I want you to take a screenshot of this episode right now. If you are loving this and you learn something today, or if you have friends and communities that love the Enneagram, they are going to want to know this next level. Really beautiful understanding of the depths of each Enneagram type and how they respond to the hard things that come up. If you want to dive deeper into this for yourself, obviously the best way to do that is just do a kickstart session with me. It's where we make sure you're typed properly because 65 to 70% of you are inaccurately typed based on those online assessments that you take, even the paid ones. So if you do an Enneagram kickstart session with me, we make sure you are typed properly. I go deep diving into your instinctual response to life, which is the subtype which can make everything look very, very different than what maybe you expect. We go into the wings and how to effectively use them in your life so that you can lean into your growth number if you don't know what I'm talking about. I've done many episodes on this and also understanding how to use the stress number as a compass and also a growth tool. And we talk about the harmonic approaches and the social responses to life and all the things is where you get juicy, juicy information so that you can take this and run with it. Now if you want to go even deeper and have like me on speed dial, that's really cool to not only have that 90 minutes with me, but then to have me in your back pocket for three months to really integrate this in your life in all areas, personally, professionally, and become the ultimate leader in your life. I have private vip, private coaching and it is next level. You get me every single day. For over three months. And it's where we really, really are able to integrate and break some of the old things and build new beliefs and keep you from sabotaging the way that you have been or procrastinating, stepping into everything that you are here to do to make the impact that you want to in your homes and in the world. My private one on one coaching is by application only. I don't take everyone. It is a master's level kind of coaching and if you have worked with other coaches or done other programs or been to events and you don't feel the needle moving fast enough or the way that you want, maybe having a no bullshit, tell it like it is see right through to your soul kind of coach is what you need need. And if you're feeling called to do that, please go to Tracey O' Malley.com, the work with me section where you can find the application for private one on one coaching. I only take a few people at a time because you really do get my priority time. You really, really do. But if you're not quite there yet and you want to do a kickstart session, even if you know your enneagram type or think you do most powerful 90 minutes you'll ever experience, you'll never feel more seen, heard, understood or valued in your life. And I love what I do every day and I find it a absolute honor and privilege to do the work I do with you and the thousands of other people that have trusted me on their journey. So go to traciomalley.com, the work with Me section to find out more information. As always, you can find me on Instagram @traceeomalley. And in the meantime, I'm always here cheering you on as the champion you are to become the ultimate leader in your life. And until next time, you guys take care.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram @traceeomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.