EP258: Here's the Loving Kick in the Ass You Need to Stop Playing Small in Your Life

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And you know, I've kind of been known for the very loving kick in the ass and today's episode is going to be just that. If that is what you are needing. If you are somebody that procrastinates or self sabotages or even has a little, little bit of perfectionism, perfectionism in them, this episode is going to be for you for sure. Or if you know somebody that kind of falls into that category, you may want to share it with them. And this I can promise you that it is coming with nothing but absolute love, compassion, empathy, grace and service. You know, you know this time of year, if you haven't listened to the last episode that I recorded, I highly recommend it. It is always this week. And as you are listening to it, I am in San Diego, I am leaving my house currently in current time, I'm leaving in like two hours to go and I always go and spend a week by myself in San Diego right on the beach. I always rent a house right on the boardwalk. And it's a time to reflect, it's a time to create, it's a time to get my shit together. Whatever it may look like over the last day, decade, you know, this week has served whatever it has needed to because you know, it was 10 years ago today that my dad passed away. And I will never forget it like it was yesterday. On June 24, 2012, I got the call from my father who is an enneagram 8. Was an enneagram 8. 100% Irish, very stubborn, a Taurus, all the things the oldest child of depression era parents. You know, you see the scene I'm setting here on June 24, 2012, he called me and with no real filter because that's how he rolled, said babe, you need to come home. They haven't given me much time and I was like okay, dad, bottom line me, what does that mean? And literally he said, they've given me three weeks to three months and there's nothing else they can do. He had ignored and not taken care of himself. And you know, he was one of those people that, and I was too until then that ignored and powered through and thought I was invincible. And literally 12 days later, my dad was gone. On July 6, 2012, at 6:11 in the morning, my dad passed over to the other side. And you know, I it over the last decade, I've really lived my life as though for the most part, as though I have 12 days left, which is pretty much all the time that I had to process what was going on. And I think so many of us forget that we're not guaranteed tomorrow. And I know that that's really cliche. I know that, you know, we throw that around and as somebody that's raised children, you know, they're now in their 20s, how fast that goes. Life is moving at rapid pace and I want you, if you're listening and you feel like, oh gosh, I'll do this when, you know, when this happens, I will do this or I'm thinking about it or yeah, I'm checking it out, you are not guaranteed tomorrow. And you know, sadly, three years ago, my person in my life, my uncle, who was the strongest man I've ever met at the age of 57, literally had a six month cancer diagnosis. And I want to talk today about the top five regrets of people that are dying. Whether, you know, it's 12 days, six months, or if your time is called tomorrow, I really, really want you to take this into consideration. Not to be morbid or anything like that, but you are here with a divine gift and a divine calling. And the more that you operate in the what ifs or the when, when ifs, the more that you are staying stuck. Right. Myself included. You know, even though I had had this experience from the two most important people in my life, you know, watching them transition and what they would have given and the biggest regrets that they had, I can still fall into the, oh well, that's them, it's not going to happen to me. Right. It was also five years ago, this very week that, you know, I was faced with my own mortality. I did not, I was not confident I was going to make it into, into 2018 at the time. And these five regrets of the dying were running very, very true for myself. It's like when I make it out of this, I am going to operate much differently and Especially the last five years I have, and I'm going to kind of go through these five things. If you are needing that extra kick in the ass, this is going to be it. You know, I'm an enneagram8. I am very direct. I have learned how to harness and leverage that gift in a beautiful way. Instead of being so harsh like I have most of my life. Some people still think I'm too harsh, but I know the motive behind it. It's always from love. And if you happen to fall and stumble upon this episode, whether it's in real time or down the road or when you happen to fall upon this episode, know that it is for you. And this is for my dad, who for 10 years has been watching from above. And I feel his presence very, very true with me. You know, we can stay stuck in the grieving process and the loss, whether it's through a death or an end of a relationship, which I'm in the middle of as well, a very strong relationship of mine. I'm. I'm facing the end of that as well. And it's really, really painful. And we can stay stuck in that, or we can learn and grow from them and take what we have learned about ourselves and humanity and each other and move forward into, you know, what we're here to do, because we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And I know you have a gift stirring in your soul. I know you have a mission, a vision, whether it's for your family, for your business, for the world, all of it. All of it. And it cannot shine if you are staying stuck. Now, this is also not meant to whip you over the head with a shame stick. Shame serves zero good in your life. Shame leads to secrets, and secrets keep us stuck. And then the cycle continues. So, you know, when I was watching my dad take his last breaths, you know, I didn't get to see him till his final 10 hours because he lived in Chicago. And, you know, I really had, you know, watched him for. He lived to be 65. But, you know, I saw him not taking care of himself. I saw him kind of live out of integrity, like doing one or saying one thing but doing another. And although I loved him and respected him, that always really didn't sit well with me. It's like, walk your talk, talk, walk your talk, you know? But I also knew that a lot of times it was because he was operating in fear. And when we're operating in fear, our superpowers can't be our superpowers. So one of the things I want to Share with you today is, you know, for you to take an inventory, you know, with compassion for yourself and where you're at, and really build an action plan. This week, specifically, we're at the halfway point of. The halfway point of this shit show of a year 2022.

You know, all five of these things are. I want you to think about, if you were given 12 days, what would you do differently? I said this on an interview. I was interviewed this week, and I said, like, I want to make sure that I am squeezing every bit of juice out of my life. And, you know, even though five years ago I was faced with my own mortality, I've been going through some stuff that really had me take another inventory in my life. Like, all right, have I squeezed every bit of juice out of this life that I've been given and with the utmost confidence, if my time on earth was called, I have no regrets, and there's nothing I've left undone. And a lot of it has to do with these five things. One of the number one regrets of the dying is they wish they'd had the courage to live life true to themselves, not the lives others expected of me. A lot of times, you know, this is where my work with the Enneagram comes in, is really understanding where your core motive is and what your big fears are, and understanding that instinctual response to life, the subtype. Because we do become products, our environment. Environment is stronger than willpower. And a lot of the beliefs and the fears that we carry, how that got expressed happened through, you know, a lot of times, the experiences, the homes we grew up in. And knowing that nobody is here to live your life or your experience. They can offer wisdom, but they aren't in your shoes. Now you're going to have to manage the own bullshit stories you tell yourself that enable you to stay stuck. That's why I often truly, truly, truly recommend hiring a coach, a mentor. This is the work that I do with people. It's that loving, bullshit meter that I have that I see blind spots and help you break through worrying about what other people think or all of the things, and help you really live a life true to who you are designed to be. It's why I love the framework and the beautiful gift that the Enneagram can give. I've said this before. Next to my faith, my Enneagram framework is one of the greatest tools I've ever used. So I know that many of you are worrying about what others think or you're shooting on yourself, or maybe you've invested so much time in certain relationships in your life. And it's like, I'm going to see this go the distance, and you're just wasting, wasting so much time, energy, resources, and I don't want you to do it one more day. You got one life. Live it. Regret number two of the dying. They wish they hadn't worked so hard. Both my dad and my uncle were two of the hardest working people I've ever met in my life. And that was one of their most honorable traits. Quite honestly, I am one of the hardest workers I've ever like. I have a work ethic like nobody's business. And especially the last five years, I've not fully taken my foot off the gas, but I throttle it, I like pull it back. I keep the momentum continuously going, but it isn't at the Mach 10 speed all the time. Because I'm not ever going to say that work ethic isn't important, because it is. It's one of the top five character traits, I think. But we can work smarter, we can work smarter, we can be more streamlined, we can eliminate distractions so that when we are at work, it is effective and efficient. But most of the people that work hard, they put blinders on so much that they miss the miracles around them. And there's a difference between being busy and living in your purpose and intention. And I think a lot of you need to simplify the shit in their life. You need to eliminate some of this overhead in your life so that you can actually enjoy the moments. Both my dad and my uncle, both their lives were cut very short. And, you know, my dad didn't get to see his grandchildren, see what they're doing today. My dad never got to see me sober or doing what I'm doing the last decade. He didn't see me embody this beautiful femininity that I carry today. You know, I was raised very masculine energy, tomboy, which is great. I love that part of me. But the softer, more powerful part of me, he never got to see. And a lot of that was because he was, you know, working so hard. Don't work so hard that you miss the miracles. You guys regret number three of the dying is that they wish they had had the courage to express their feelings. Both those men in my life, in the final stage of their life. I had heard things from both of them that they wish they had shared decades ago. Decades ago, 30, 40 years. They wish they had expressed some of these feelings and caring, no guilt about it. This is something. The last decade since my dad Died. I've gotten really, really good at. It's still really hard for me to ask for help, but I.

Do what I say and I say what I mean I do. And I, you know, as an enneagram8, vulnerability is not my favorite thing. But that is actually where our superpowers are. This is where intimacy and connection is really built in this vulnerability and sharing our feelings, the good ones, the not so good ones. I've said this before, like, if you haven't watched the movie Inside out, it is a children's movie, but it is for everyone and it really portrays and shows you in such a beautiful, elegant way how important all the emotions and feelings are. Don't waste one more minute leaving something unsaid. Regret number four from the dying is they wish they'd stayed in touch with their friends, the true friends. Now, here's the thing, and I've had to do this a lot, and especially the last six months since 2022 started, I have had to like wipe out a lot of people in my life. The relationships have run their course. But the real people that are here to support, love, encourage, empower you, those are your real friends. And a lot of you are keeping around the riff raff and you're missing the moments with the real friends that are here with and for you. So this is an opportunity to really take an inventory. It doesn't mean anybody is a bad person or something shitty has to happen for you to move forward. Sometimes shitty things do happen in order to move forward. But I really want you to look and see who's in your life right now who gets the most of your time, right? We become the product of the five people we spend the most time with. We really, really do. And you know, the people that you have lost track of, maybe those are people that really can bring greatness to your daily life. And the people that you do have contact with every, you know, maybe are not. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, y'. All. And just because those friends happen to be the squeakiest in your life doesn't mean they deserve the most oil. And as you take inventory and, you know, maybe eliminate some people in your life, I don't want you to feel bad about it. You know, you might be holding them back too, right? It might be a gift in disguise. And again, I don't want you to be so busy that you miss the miracles. And some of the miracles that you're missing are people in your life that maybe have gotten the backseat. Regret number five of the dying is I Wish that I had let myself be happier. You know, I think again, going back to the other four regrets that most have is a lot of us were in an environment that if we're happy, then we're being slackers, or if we're happy, we're going to be blindsided by something. But finding joy in the moments, right? Let yourself find happiness. And even the hardships when my dad passed away, it was the back end of some of the hardest moments of my life. We were coming out of a recession, I was coming out of a divorce that wiped me out financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically. I lost a house, I lost a car, I lost my pride, I lost a lot of things. And the big whammy was losing my dad on top of it. And if I'm being really, really honest, I allowed myself to play victim to all of that. Like none of it was my responsibility. It was a circumstance, it was my ex husband, it was this, it was that, it was this, it was that. And you know, whatever you focus on is kind of what you will find in the situation. And I'm not saying like losing my dad was a gift, or losing my marriage and losing my business, I'm not saying any of that was really fun and amaz or a happy time. It wasn't. But I. After losing my dad and then getting sober six weeks later, it really put into perspective what we are here to do in this world and to have no regrets. That, you know, the ability to look at things with a different perspective, to know that, you know, where there is darkness, there will be light. And to smile and know that everything that you are experiencing, whether it was in the past or here in the now, if you are in the middle of going through it. I'm in the middle of a very hard grieving process right now. From the now and from then. And I am here to tell you that you can find beautiful happiness in even the most hard moments. And it's when we're able to do that, that we can move forward and do the damn things in our lives that we have on that vision board or we say that we want. Do you really want the things that you say you do? Do you? Because I guarantee if you talk to anybody that has been faced with their own mortality, or if you've spent time with people who, you know, were given a very short amount of time to live those five things, if they even had one more year, they would do things very differently. And that is how I live my life today. And you know, I turned 50 a few months ago. And it really put shit into perspective. When I think about my dad at 65, my uncle at 57, like, literally, I might only have five, 10, 15, 20 years left. And I want to make sure that, you know the legacy that I leave behind, not just in the hearts and the souls of my children, but in every person I was meant to make an impact on that. I do that. And you can only do that when you don't play small. When you get past these five regrets that maybe you're carrying, you may not have been given your marching orders to the end of your life, but maybe, just maybe, you want to squeeze the last bit of juice out of this life and to make sure that if and when your time on Earth is called, that you have no regrets. I've been referencing the book the Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware. It's beautiful. A life transformed by the dearly departing. Seriously, this is the gift about loss. This is the gift about loss and death. This was part of a gift of loss and divorce for me. Like, really, this is part of the gift of loss in what I thought my life was before I had my own, you know, date with my own mortality. Do not waste one more moment. And if you still feel stuck, it's one thing to hear these things and know it. In fact, I'm sure as you were listening all five of those things, you're like, yeah, that's true, that's true, that's true. But knowing it and integrating it is a whole different freaking ball game. And that is what I spend my days doing. I'm an integrator, and I help people like you break through the barriers that are keeping you stuck. Stuck in shame, stuck in secrets, stuck in overwhelm, stuck in fear. That is my gift. It is my spiritual gift. It is a very skilled gift that I have. And I meet you with love and compassion all the time in order to help you bust through so that you can really step into who you are always designed to be, to become that ultimate leader in your life and in your homes and in your businesses and in this world, so that when your time on Earth is done, you can feel really, really great about what you contributed to this lifetime, to your families, to the people you were meant to make an impact on. We're at the halfway point of 2022 right now, and if you're like me, that 50, I feel like I'm half more than halfway through my life. And I am so proud of you. I see you out there working really really hard. Maybe you don't need to work hard. Maybe you to need on the things that you're working on. Maybe you need to work a little harder on breaking through the barriers that are keeping you stuck. Doing more won't always produce more. Sometimes it's leaning out and into your heart and into your feelings and emotions and into the past a little bit so that we can connect the dots to build new beliefs and new ways of thinking so that you can step into that part of your life and make the impact. If you're raising children, you owe it to them to walk your talk. They will do what you do, not what you say to do. And if you are doing these things that are the regrets of the dying, then they're going to follow your suit. You guys, I am so passionate about helping those of you. If you have stuck around and listened not just to this recording of this podcast episode, but over 250 episodes I have now recorded in the last two and a half years. If you have been a listener, I think thank you so much. I could not do what I do and show up the way that I show up without you guys telling me what you need to hear and thanking me for what you have heard. If you love this episode, please take a screenshot, share it with somebody that may need to have this kick in the ass, this loving kick in the ass. And yeah, if this is something you want to move forward in, you know that you're ready. Don't waste one more moment. Finish out this year with the right toolbox, with the right perspective so that you can continue to move forward and live that Legacy. Go to traceyomalley.com the work with me section. I have private VIP coaching. I only take a few people at a time because you get my undivided attention. You get daily access to me in real time as you're navigating all the things that life will throw at you. You have to fill out application. We'll hop on a quick no pressure call. It's kind of just to see if you're ready. Whether you have the resources or not does not matter to me necessarily. It's if you're really, really ready to move forward in your life and if you're saying you are, then I'm going to make you walk that talk. So fill out an application@tracyomalley.com if you love this episode and you share it on Instagram, you can find me at tracyomalley.

Yes, let's finish out 2022. Like the boss, like the beauty, like the amazing person you are. I'm here with you and I'm here for you. And until next time, you guys.

I'm.

So happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceeomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.

Sam.