EP259: Do You Resent the Enneagram Type You Are and Wish (Or try) to be Another Type?

Welcome to the Leadership Formula Podcast where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hey. Hey. Welcome to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. I am coming to you remote on location from San Diego. Earlier this week I had posted a question box in my Instagram stories and I got lots of beautiful questions of things that you wanted to learn here, explore on the podcast and I picked out two for this episode. I've got a running list of beautiful questions that you have asked and today we're going to tackle two of them. And ironically, they are two that I needed to remind myself of. And you know, if you are following along on Instagram and have been watching me at the beach, it's glorious. There's nothing more magical, honestly, than the power and healing of the ocean, traveling and all of it. And I come here every 4th of July week for at least a decade. I've been coming to San Diego every summer for like 20 plus years. And I had big visions of what I was going to accomplish, how I would show up this week. And although there have been some of those things that have happened, I found myself this morning really kind of in a funk and sad and angry and happy and all of it all at once. And that can be overwhelming sometimes. And using the tool of the Enneagram and the work that I've done and 22 plus years of my own personal development work and my commitment to the process and unconditional commitment and consistency with using my own tools have allowed me to navigate it. Doesn't mean it's easy or that it looks how I wanted it to or how I envisioned it to. No, but it is exactly kind of what I needed. And I'll kind of weave what's been going on with me through these two questions that I'm going to answer for you guys because I'm sure, like it's great to hear the question and the tactical answer and cool information, that's awesome. But how we integrate this information into our lives and our work and our personal lives and our health and the triggers that come up. That's where the rubber meets the road. And so I'll be weaving kind of what's going on with me through these two questions. Question number one came through, and it came through a few times in a few different ways from a few different people. And I love it because I'm kind of feeling this, too. What do you do when you resent your Enneagram type or wish or you're trying to be another type or something other than what you are now before you kind of poo poo the Enneagram or don't want a label or don't want to be put in a box? I get it. This is not what this means. This is not what this means. It's not like, well, I'm an eight. This is the way it is. Blah, blah, blah. No, no, no, no. But each Enneagram type, regardless of what type you are, has their own challenges, and those challenges are usually their superpowers as well, right? So, like, your superpowers are also your kryptonite and the things that really drive you crazy. I'll use myself for an example currently as an enneagram 8. My intensity is my superpower. It really, really is. When it's coming from love, compassion, empathy, service, and grace, it is my superpower. It makes people feel safe. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel powerful and strong. It makes me able to help empower other people and see things that they don't and take action and help other people take action. It's magical. Now, that same intensity had me curled up in the fetal position this morning, so afraid to reach out and feel weak and feel vulnerable, right? And it can keep me paralyzed. So what do I want to do? I want to look more like a three right now and just say, fuck it, take action. Blah, blah, blah, right? We all want something that we don't have, or we want the illusion of what it looks like for somebody else. And I guarantee you, because I've done this work a long enough time to know that just because it looks easy for somebody else, and, yeah, their skill set may be beautiful and all those things, they have their own challenges that come with that. So this is where, you know, I. This morning, I was feeling really pissed off that I'm innate. That fear of vulnerability, the not wanting to be weak has me isolating sometimes and knowing the framework. I know what's happening when that's happening just because I know what's happening. And just because you may know what's happening, all my enneagram people, doesn't mean that just because we know it makes it easy to move it. I know isolation is a very slippery slope. I know isolation for everyone is destructive. Big difference between solitude and isolation. I know these things that come up for me and it's still not always easy to move through it. So this morning I was really pissed off that I'm an eight. When we're in a place of fear or insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt, ego especially, that can keep us stuck. And it isn't changing who you are or that enneagram type you are, it is changing the come from, right? Because I guarantee when you are in a place of love and compassion and empathy and service and grace, like you actually really freaking love yourself and you don't resent what enneagram type you are, you're told all the time your beautiful gifts and. And whether you don't even need to know it or hear it from somebody else because you embody it. So it's not that we want to change into something else or be something or someone else. It's shifting where we're at and the come from. And yes, I was feeling immense ego today. I was feeling sadness, I was feeling guilt because I've had to make hard decisions in my life around relationships and friendships and family. And that has left me with a lot less support than I'm typically comfortable with or used to. Not that I love support, you know, that's the other problem is as an enneagram8, I want to be like, fuck it, I don't need anybody. I don't. I don't need anybody. I don't want anybody. And although that may be true on a very healthy level, it's also very dysfunctional and keeps walls up around me, right? And so what do you do when you are in a come from of fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt or ego? How do you shift that? You take contrary action. And I did the very thing that I don't love doing, but I know it's the very thing that will keep me unstuck, will shift me to compassion and empathy and grace and all the things. And I reached out, I reached out to two people, three people actually, that I trust with my heart. And just because I trust them with my heart doesn't mean they're going to disappoint me from time to time. Just because we trust people, they're human too, right? And they have their stuff. But I also have vetted these people enough in my life and feel safe enough, at least in current time, to say, I'm struggling right now. I'm struggling and this is why, or I'm struggling and I don't know why. And I got to say, like, although my. My phone felt like it was 800 pounds, right? To even text the word or voice text the word, I did three different versions. I Marco Polo'd. I voice text and I text text to three different people that I'm struggling and this is why, or this is why I think, or I don't know why, and I'm frustrated and I'm angry and I'm sad and all the things. And you want to know what that did? That instantly shifted things. Does it mean I'm in a great spot? No. Does it mean that a miracle is going to happen and I'm going to all of a sudden not feel anything and I'm able to move into a different space? No. But I did take action. I did do one thing. I did pull the things out of my backpack that I need to look at. I did actually find a pen. I've been in San Diego almost a week, realized I didn't pack a pen. I found one, thank goodness. But the fact that I hadn't even written anything down in a few days yesterday I would have met myself with so much shame and beat myself up. I was starting to go into the annihilating myself space this morning, which I knew wouldn't help me. And it won't help you either. Shame leads to secrets. Secrets keep us stuck. And I felt myself in isolation, being very secretive. I could very easily show up on fucking Instagram and be like, look at my life. I'm at the beach. I'm so inspired. I'm working and I am, and I'm doing all of those things, but I know a lot of it wouldn't be the full story. And I am not about manipulative bullshit. I'm not about manipulative marketing. I'm not about fake ass shit. I am here for the whole journey. But even in just saying it out loud to people that I care about, people that I know won't judge me, and even if they do, it's none of my business. But I do trust these three people. I felt a shift. I felt a shift and I felt the creativity come back. I really did. So I want you to know, like, if you aren't happy with your enneagram type, chances are you've been typed properly. Right? Right. But trying to be something you're not isn't the answer. Working and leveraging what you do have and shifting the come from is where the magic happens. I really love being an eight. I really, really do. I love it when my superpowers are firing all cylinders. Like it's great. I feel unstoppable. I feel very supportive of other people. I feel like a good mom, a good partner, a good friend, a good mentor. I feel my most beautiful, playful, innocent self. Right. None of that changes. But the come from needs to. So if you are in a moment of shame, chances are either you are projecting or dumping your shit or trying to bypass it, or you're isolating. And if you're catching yourself right there, I want you to meet it with love. A little kid inside of you that based on your Enneagram type, that big fear is being nicked. And my fear of being weak and vulnerable absolutely was feeling it on all cylinders. I got to spend a few days here at the beach with my man. And that was beautiful. And also super vulnerable. Very, very vulnerable. Because it was another layer of opening my heart and into a part of my life. I don't want to want that because oh my gosh, what if it doesn't work out? Like, oh my gosh, like what would happen? It's also like a very emotional week with losses. You know, it's the 10 year anniversary, my dad's passing, my uncle's birthday is this week. I'm actually here by myself right now. And I love that, I do love that when I'm in a really great place. But when I'm feeling the shame come, it's like, see, see, look, you have nobody here with you. You're all by yourself. And I could go down that spiral. I could. And it won't serve you, it won't serve me. Shame leads to secretive and isolation. And that will lead you to more of being stuck. Shame serves zero good. So how do you get past the resentment of the downfalls of your type? You take contrary action. You do the scary thing. This is where your growth number and knowing that on the Enneagram is super helpful. Because the growth number, whatever type you are, will make you stretch the most. So I'll run through them really quick. If you're an Enneagram one, your growth number is seven. So contrary action is not like being more rigid. It's actually to play more. If you're a 2, your growth number is a 4. So instead of maybe helping other people, you do something by yourself, for yourself. If you're A three, instead of doing more, doing more, maybe reverse engineer something. Instead of hitting a goal, maybe reverse engineering and create a process. If you're an enneagram 4, instead of kind of going into your own head, maybe add some structure to your life. If you're an enneagram 5, instead of gathering more information, taking some action in that Enneagram 8 space, if you're an Enneagram 6, instead of doing more and reverse engineering more, maybe 6, sit in a moment and look at the bigger picture and rely on some faith once in a while, which is really hard for a 6 to do. If you're an enneagram 7, instead of bouncing from thing to thing, you do need more solitude so your big visions can come to life and you can feel more confident. If you're an enneagram 8, leading into vulnerability and compassion. Not a natural go to for us Enneagram Eights, but that is where we are able to make the shift from shame and guilt and ego into compassion and love and grace. And finally, for my Enneagram nines, instead of like avoiding conflict, maybe use your voice a little bit more and take some action so you can see we're taking contrary action. Although initially it's going to feel very, very awkward and out of alignment and scary and whatever story you're telling yourself, it is the thing that will get you out of shame and into what you're designed to be. It's not going to always be instant. It's not always going to be easy. You will try to go into it kicking and screaming, and immediately when I did those things, I felt relief. Doesn't mean everything's going to happen miraculously, but it is a step in the right direction. And I already feel better. And I'm going to After I record this podcast, I'm going to go onto the boardwalk. Even though it's cloudy and I can't stand the clouds, I'm going to actually run too, and I'm going to tap into the vulnerable parts of me and I feel a good cry coming on and I need that. And I know I'll come back inside and I will be able to approach some of these things that I am avoiding. So instead of resenting your type, where can you leverage your type and where can you shift yourself into your growth? Because, you know, here's the thing. The Enneagram is not to be used as a weapon or a wall against yourself or other people like you are who you are. You are now leveraging who you are and how you operate and why you do what you do and understanding that will allow you to unstuck yourself. It's one of the greatest slump busters of all time. Question number two. I love this question. What's the difference between and how do you know when it's time to practice compassion versus being fed up? And this can mean with other people, this can mean with yourself. Now here's the real thing. You can have both at the same time. You can have compassion for yourself. I had compassion for myself this morning. Even though I was frustrated and beating myself up, I quickly got to compassion, right? But compassion wasn't necessarily making me take action, right? When we have compassion for other people, it doesn't mean that they're miraculously going to do what we want them to do, right? We can still be fed up and it can be unacceptable when it comes to other people. I have compassion for currently, for some people in my life. I really, really do. I really do. I know that there are in their own head, in their own struggles, they are looking at past evidence, they have walls up. They're self sabotaging. Whatever it is, whatever it is, it's not me taking their inventory. It's just those are the facts. It really, really is. And it's okay. I'm not judging them. I have compassion. I understand their history. I'm not using against them all the things. And I'm also being treated in a way that is absolutely unacceptable. And so I am fed up with that. And I've had to create some distance. And that is coming with judgment, I'm sure. And it's okay. It's okay. But when you are practicing compassion, that means that we don't have this expectation attached to what they do, how they show up, the action that they do or do not take, right? If you think you're practicing compassion but you have these contingency plans on that, that isn't actually compassion. It isn't. It's a form of manipulation. Whether you're conscious of it or not. Compassion means a high involvement but a low attachment to what that looks like. Now you can be fed up and there can be things going on that are unacceptable with other people. You might have to have a hard conversation, you might have to end relationships, you might have to distance yourself. Whatever that looks like, it's going to be required. Otherwise that compassion will turn to resentment very, very quickly. And resentment will lead to a lack of joy. It will rob you of everything that you desire. It will get you stuck, it will create health problems, it will allow you to miss the miracles that are right in front of your face. You won't be able to be present with the things that matter to you right now. When it comes to yourself, having compassion with yourself, there's a difference between having compassion with yourself and enabling your own bullshit, right? I could have easily this morning been like, you know, I'm at the beach, it's great, everything's good, business is good. And I could try to package that up in a way that feels like compassion. But you have to be able to take your own inventory in a way that you know you're enabling yourself to stay stuck and meet that with compassion. This is why knowing your enneagram type is really, really important. Because how I was enabling it was I was feeling very vulnerable. And I don't like that as an eight, right? And so instead of avoiding that or trying to bypass it, I did the contrary action again. But knowing that this is feeling very vulnerable for me. I'm working on something that isn't my strength. It isn't sitting in front of a computer, creating systems and PDFs. I want to poke my eyes out, but let me talk to a live body. I'm also a one on one enneagram type, which means I instinctually love the intensity of an experience. I don't love, you know, this texting PDF kind of world. I want the human experience and so working through that. But I was fed up with myself today. But you can be fed up and meet it with compassion. Fed up doesn't mean you pull out the shame stick on yourself. It doesn't mean that you project your shit onto other people. It doesn't mean that you don't have hard conversations, but you can always have hard conversations or no conversations. You don't always owe anyone an explanation. You don't. I will say that again. You don't always owe somebody an explanation, especially if you know that that person on the receiving end isn't able to be honest with themselves. They aren't open to the bigger picture and they aren't willing to be accountable for their part in things. If they aren't. You might actually choose to not say anything now. Your ego will probably want to engage. Mine does for sure. I know. I mean, I always love a good fight. Intensity of experience. I love a fricking good fight. But I actually end up doing less of that because I have kind of assessed that, yes, I'm fed up, but the person on the other end is not receptive to their own part. I will come to the plate for sure and come to the table, owning all my shit and being honest and open minded. I will when I get to this point. I know I will. Some people will think I'm avoidant. That's okay. It's between God and me and you know, a higher power and the divine. I know the truth for myself. But meeting with compassion and being fed up at the same time can coexist. But if you think you're approaching with compassion, but you have these underlying resentments or expectations, what you are actually feeling is not compassion, it's judgment. And that will require you to dig a little deeper and like, what's your part in it, right? That means you're not using your voice or you want somebody to read your mind. It's really, really challenging. And this is where the framework and the beauty of the Enneagram can absolutely help you. Not just knowing your type, because most of you are mistyped. By the way, if you take any online assessment, they are inaccurate 60 to 70% of the time. Right. And if you're going to use this framework as a growth tool, which next to my faith, it is the strongest growth tool I have and use consistently for well over a decade. Being typed properly is an important part of the process. And actually what I'm here doing is creating a way for you to be typed properly with 95% accuracy without having to do a one on one session with me. Even though those are amazing and magical because it's more than just getting typed properly, it's then knowing what to do with it. And if that is something you want to do, you can go to Tracey O' Malley.com the work with me section. That is where you can go for an Enneagram kickstart session. Even if you think you're typed properly. I can help you integrate what that means in your life, personally, professionally, both, parenting, whatever that looks like. That is amazing. Absolutely love doing. It's the most powerful 90 minutes that you probably will experience even if you done therapy. What I hear from most people is what we are able to break through, accomplish for what you're able to take with you, it is as powerful as for some people, 10 years of therapy. I'm not replacing a therapist by any means, but there's something about being seen, heard, understood and able to take action immediately that feels very empowering for you in all areas of your life and knowing you don't have to change who you are. How beautiful is that? I woke up this morning really wanting to crawl into a. And I know, like I'm an eight. Okay, I am an eight and I embrace that. It doesn't mean that that puts me in a box or labels me or like that's just the way it is. Yes, I'm an eight and I have tendencies and I have gifts and all the things, but how can I use the eight in me to move forward in all the beauty that I am and how can I show up for myself in a way that feels really good and empowering and at my highest self? That is the beauty and the framework of the Enneagram. Now, next level is not just knowing your Enneagram type, but like having me on speed dial for three months. Can you even imagine? You know, while I've been at the beach, I've been working with my private one on one clients through the Marco Polo app, which is amazing in real time. You know, I've had many calls and I'm working with a few eights right now. They're amazing. I work with all Enneagram types but I think it's very ironic that currently I'm working with several eights but having me on speed dial to say, okay, this is what's going on. I basically had myself on speed dial this morning to pull myself out of it. I walk my talk and all the things I do. If you want to take this information and really hone up your tools and make sure that they're sharp and ready to go because life is going to happen no matter how much work you do, I'm a perfect example of it. Life continues to blindside us and hit us upside the head like a two by four. Sometimes if your tools aren't sharp and ready to go, you will be paralyzed and you will go down a rabbit hole that is very destructive and not serving you and it will blow up your life and your relationships and your health and your businesses and your kids and all the things that you don't want. So having a mentor that not only has really done the work, but continues to, that's the key. Like I am a product of my own work consistently on a daily basis. That's why my tools are fucking sharper than anyone's, quite honestly. And if you need and want a mentor like that in your life again, you can go to traceyomally.com the work with me section where I do VIP, private one on one coaching. It's like a three month give or take, I'm not a stickler to the time frame kind of container where you have me on speed dial daily in all parts of your life. We talk business strategy, we Talk parenting. We talk partnership, whether it's business or marriage or couples or whatever that looks like. We talk your own personal journey on speed dial, that is by application only. We hop on a call. That is zero pressure. Because quite honestly, you might not be ready for something like this, whether you have the resources and investment to make or not. You know, I definitely can tell who's ready for this journey and who is not. This is not your entry level, kind of like fluffy ass coaching. I'm just not that person. But if you know you're ready and you're being called to have a mentor that actually will move, help you move the needle and that will, with love, tell it like it is and see all your blind spots. Now, some of you want to run like hell from that, and I get it. I would have run from me 15 years ago. But if you are tired, if you're fed up with yourself and you really want to meet yourself with more love and compassion and empathy, service and grace, as well as your business and professional and personal life, go to my website, traceyomally.com work with me section. The third option currently is an application where you can fill it out. We will hop on a quick call. Like I said, there will be no hard sell is not my style. I straight shoot it with so much like real talk in a way that you will actually appreciate. There's no manipulation, no manipulation marketing coming from me. Either you're ready or you're not. But if this is speaking to you, I encourage you. Right now, I can only take a few people at a time. As you can imagine, being on speed dial for people is a huge commitment on my part and it's one that I take very, very seriously and one that I'm super passionate about. And so I work with those that are absolutely a hell yes and ready to go. You guys, I am so grateful for you. Keep your questions coming. It is how I am able to help serve you at a higher level. It is how I can bring more to this podcast so that we can make the impact that we want to in this world, in our businesses, in our homes, and to every human being that we touch, including ourselves. My goal is always to help you become the ultimate leader in your life so that you can do everything that you were called and divinely inspired to do. You guys, if you love this episode, please take a screenshot or share it with a friend or do both. I know that somebody out there needs this message today as much as I needed my own very message. Sometimes we teach exactly what we need to hear. And I'm a firm believer that when a student is ready, the teacher appears. And maybe, just maybe, I am the teacher that you needed today or somebody that you love or lead needs today. You guys, I'm thankful for you. You guys, until next time.

I'm so.

Happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at Tracey. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracy omalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.