EP262: Making Sense of Family Dynamics Using the Enneagram

Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hey. Hey. Welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And today we are talking all about family. And you know, I'm very, very Irish, like 2 percentage points away from being 100%. And you know, I grew up with the. Family is everything. Blood is thicker than water. Family first. And trust me, I am very, very passionate about family. I am very, very passionate about family. And just because we're blood does not mean that you must take some abuse or that you have to be in close proximity or relation with them in order for it to be valuable to you. Now, that being said, does everybody receive that message that same way? No. No. And today we're going to kind of talk about family dynamics and how to use the Enneagram to better understand, to have more compassion, to navigate conflict and the hard things, or to walk away. Quite honestly, that has been my experience with some family. It's allowed me to get closer in relation with some people. It has allowed me to walk away from some certain family members with compassion and love again, does not mean that they receive it that way or see it that way or they have that same perspective. But when you can really come to grips with your reality, your truth, your perspective with compassion, with love, with honor, with grace. I'm not saying it's going to be easy or without pain or conflict, but I know for sure that especially if you are a parent yourself, it is up to us to show our next generation what healthy communication looks like, what honor looks like, all of it. And I know that there might be some people listening right now, maybe even some of my family listening, thinking I'm full of shit. And that's okay. This probably isn't for you. Had I been presented with this maybe a few decades ago, I would maybe shut it off. So if you're not ready to hear this message, that's totally okay. Just because we're family doesn't mean we are tied together in relation for the rest of our lives, we will be tied by blood. But there are some crazy things that happen within the family dynamics. Sometimes really, really abusive and sometimes just really dysfunctional. And, you know, nobody's coming to save you. Nobody's coming to save you. It is up to you to do that for yourself. And even if you have experience some of those hard things like abuse, abandonment, neglect, you name it, just because you might have experienced that doesn't mean that you can't heal. Does it mean you will always be able to do that within the family? No. Sometimes it happens outside of the family, but you can do it whether or not everyone is on board for your process or not. I will tell you this, though, it does get lonelier. It does. However you are making room for the right people to be there to support you. Sometimes it's another family member. Sometimes it's, you know, friends that become family. Sometimes it's mentors and coaches that feel like family. I've had all of the above happen for me. You know, like I said, I come from a very, very, very big, Irish, passionate family. And they're amazing, and I love all of them. I really, really do. And especially since I really started to dive a little bit deeper into my own stuff 22 years ago, more was revealed to me as I was ready for it about maybe some of the environmental stuff within my family. And, you know, we can only grow within that unit if all participants are willing and honest and open to the process and not saying they have to do it your way or anything like that, but if they can't own their part and take responsibility for certain things that they bring dynamics wise to the relationship. You're going to be faced with a hard decision to go at it solo or to stay in the trenches with the dysfunction. You have a choice, you really, really do, whether you're family or not, about what that looks like now. Like I said, the last 22 years, I've been diving a little deeper into why Tracy is the way she is and what's my part in all of this. And I do take full responsibility for my actions, my beliefs, roles, my own kind of dysfunction in the past in regards to the relationships within my family of origin and the family that I created, right? And it always takes two in any kind of relationship, Whether it's a breakdown or a growth, it requires all the parties involved. And, you know, 10 years ago is kind of when the shit hit the fan. My dad, who was the most influential person in my Life passed away Suddenly after a 12 day cancer diagnosis. And the reality of like, our time on earth is limited. And, you know, I know that my dad left this earth with some things left unsaid or even some regrets. And I didn't want that for me or my family. And so, you know, I recognize that even though I had been exploring things for about 12 years, at that point it felt more more like I knew more, but I wasn't doing more. You know, I think so many of you are, you know, information hoarders and consumers of information. But the real magic happens is when we implement and integrate this information into our lives. And the reason we don't is because it's fucking hard. It is really, really hard to hold boundaries. And it's really hard to say that this is not going to work anymore, blood or not, and take the hits that come with that, because they do. They do. Anytime we disrupt something that's gone a certain way for any period of time, and so many of you are carrying on generational stuff that this is just how we've always done it. This is how like, I mean, it's the o' Malley way or whatever, right? And there's a lot of good things that come with that. And there's also a lot of things that aren't so healthy. And when you choose to be the cycle breaker or the black sheep or the person that stands in your divine truth, it's not always going to be well received. But if you are here and you are committed to growing, sometimes that is required. Now, does it always have to be so extreme? No, it doesn't. And there have been some people within my family that I've actually gotten very, very close to because of their willingness alongside mine to, you know, be very transparent and face some things head on. And then there's others that I have no relationship with anym. And although it is sad and hurtful and painful and lonely, sometimes it is what's best. And I have love and compassion and send beautiful energy their way again. Do they feel that way, that that's what's happening? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. I don't know. But how do we use the Enneagram to navigate family dynamics, understand family dynamics, find compassion for even some of the hardest, most painful things that happen within a family unit? And how do we make it better if people are on board for the process? And it's been pretty cool because I do a lot of family work. You know, I talk about doing enneagram work in workshops and teams you know, in corporate America, in big, huge, Fortune 500 companies and organizations, I do tons of that. And I'm equally passionate about the home team. I really, really am. And it was using the Enneagram in my own home team, within, you know, my family, that I have created with my two kids. You know, I'm divorced, been divorced for about 15 years now. And it's been me and my kids in my home, you know, the sole custody, sole provider, for the most part, for at least 10 years. And, you know, understanding the Enneagram and implementing this information into our family dynamics and giving us all a little bit of framework to understand each other at our most divine level has created such a great team and learning ability from each other and the ability to share each other's gifts and it's received the way that it intends it has been a game changer in my home team. And I have been doing tons and tons of family consulting and family workshops where I sit down with each person in the family and then bring you all together and kind of explain who's part of this family and how we can be more effective with each other and more compassionate for each other and bring out the best in each other instead of feeling like we're butting heads all the time. And I think with 2020 in the last two and a half years, at this point have brought is a lot of the stuff that we got busy with and life kind of got in the way. When 2020 happened and we were all kind of shut down with each other. I think a lot of this got brought to the surface. The things that were swept under the rug we were now tripping over and faced to deal with it. And that can be really, really great, especially if people are on board for the growth process and the uncomfortable conversations that come with that. And it can also reveal the lack of willingness amongst certain people in the party. Right. And if you are part of a family, you know, whether it's, you know, your traditional kind of family or a modern kind of family doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter to me. I work with all sorts of families. First of all, bring awareness of who you are at your core, your natural divine wiring from, you know, a higher power in God and help you understand why you are the way you are and why maybe you're triggered by certain people in your family and why maybe you feel what you do about your role in the family and give you freedom and compassion and choices and empowerment in that. And then I meet with the rest of the people in the family and do the same with them. And then bringing you all together in a safe and beautiful integrity filled space where you can all have a better understanding of each other. It doesn't mean it's always going to be easy or without conflict, but when you can really understand that these people in your family that trigger you, and I have many that really, they hit my wounds, you know, and I use it, whether or not I'm in relationship with them or not, I'm still human, so are you. And we're still going to feel things when we are like, fuck this, I don't need anybody that's we're trying to bypass. And I did that for decades, so I totally get it. Doesn't mean that we have blessed and released them. Yes, we can bless and release them. And we still have to take ourselves through our own grieving process. Right, because we're humans. And if you avoid any part of the grieving process, you're going to keep running into the same situations, the same package, just different wrapping paper. And it might show up in friends that you call family, it might show up in other members of your family, it might show up in the family you create. Right? And so when the people in your family that are participating in something like this are on board, magic can happen. And that is what I'm seeing with families and parents that really want to bring this understanding not just for themselves, but within their family unit. I've been working with a few different families that have children in their 20s. And you know, I have children in my 20s, so it's been pretty, pretty cool to see and use my experience and, you know, my gift and wisdom of the Enneagram and show them like, this is how it was, you know, 10 years ago when I didn't know this information. And this is what me and our home team has done with this beautiful information when used in integrity. Now I'm going to put a little disclaimer here that I know a lot of you that listen love the Enneagram. And you might be running home to your partner, your spouse, your adult children, your, your younger children, even extended family. And you're going to want to be like, okay, I want to know everybody's enneagram type. And if you kind of approach it like that, it probably won't be received well and you might miss the opportunity to use this beautiful tool. And so, you know, I've told people this before. I use the Enneagram within my family and otherwise for five years before I ever shared it with anybody. Else ever. I had never mentioned the word Enneagram. I was using it professionally, I was using it personally. And there was a trick in understanding this. And I don't mean trick in a manipulative way, but I really wanted, I genuinely wanted to understand every person in my life and every person I was going to meet. And so one of the ways that you can do that before you maybe start introducing this is you got to kind of walk your talk in this. You really, really do. You have to start like embodying the work. Like if you're just dict the work and talking about the work, you know, anybody that has any kind of brain in their head is going to pick up on, you're out of integrity, right? But understanding the centers of intelligence. We have the three centers of intelligence within the Enneagram framework. And for five years, I mastered that. I mastered understanding that, and I mastered understanding that if I asked the right questions, I would be able to narrow down what center of intelligence people are in. And when you narrow down what center of intelligence people are in and how do you do this by motives. You just asking surface level questions and having small talk. You'll never get here. If you're just operating and making judgments based on behaviors. You also will never get to this. You will only find this through genuine, honest, integrity filled curiosity to get to the heart of things. Now, the three centers of intelligence, they're all motivated by the same thing within their centers of intelligence. And within each center of intelligence resides three Enneagram types. So you can imagine if you narrow down what center of intelligence somebody is, it's going to be a lot easier than to narrow down their Enneagram type. Now, it's not our job to go around typing people or telling them what Enneagram type they are, right? But if you get masterful at understanding the centers of intelligence, you might have an idea who's in your family. And if you genuinely want to be a better communicator, you will have to meet them with compassion and empathy. And it's through understanding what motivates each center of intelligence that will allow you to realize that even though certain things feel personal, it isn't always. It isn't always. This was a game changer for me. So while I was studying the Enneagram ten years ago, it became very apparent to me that I had two kids that were in a different center of intelligence from me and also each other. So that means we have one of each of us in my home team under my roof. We have one in the gut triad, we have one in the heart triad and we have one in the head triad. All three motivated very differently. Now, if we want to go a step further by enneagram type, that looks a little bit more complex, but even you just understanding the center of intelligence will bring you light years in. Communicating with others doesn't mean they're always going to be on board with it. But you will quickly find when you are speaking to people more from the point of view of what's in it for them and how can I communicate in a way that they receive what's on my heart or my message, they will naturally pay more attention. There will be credibility and trust built. Now, if you've got somebody super dysfunctional, it may not freaking matter. It may not freaking matter, but please don't go around to your family and saying, oh my God, I want your enneagram type. Especially if you haven't embodied your own. I'm just going to say that if you know that you have family members and it doesn't just have to be the family under your own roof, it could be extended family or, you know, you have a family that is here for some growth and they want to bring somebody like me in to help break you all down and explain what this all means and how to bring out the best in each other and yourself. Go to tracyomalley.com the work with me section. You can send an email. You can hit me up on Instagram. Traceyomalley. I customize packages based on who's in your family, what's involved, how extensive you want me to go, how much consulting you want, your budget, all the things. I'm sure there's something we can make happen within your family dynamic.

So it's been pretty cool. I've been working with this family that, you know, they've experienced some trauma, and although, like, on paper, everything's great, they know that they can be better for each other. And, you know, I've met with most of them. I think I still have one more to meet with. And it's been really, really cool, like talking to the head of the household first and kind of understanding the dynamic and then hearing each individual family member and their perspective on things. And this is the thing we have to understand about family dynamics, whether you're siblings, parents, child, aunt, uncle, grandparent, whatever. And this was something that I really was convicted of for most of my life is I knew my perspective and my experience. And I think so often when we have an experience or perspective, we think that that's just the way it was. We can have people live under the same roof and go through the same thing. And their perspective and their experience and their assessment of the situation can look very, very different. And nobody is wrong. Boy, is that humbling. You will find compassion real quick there. Now, does this always make you feel validated? No. No. But this is where your work begins. And this is where and how the Enneagram can really help you. You. This is also where I found compassion, especially with the family members that I am no longer in relation with on a day to day basis. I understand why they believe certain things. And without judgment, I get it. And it's also not where I'm going to feel really safe. And especially because they're not in a communicative way that is very, very healthy. I'm just not going to continue to put myself in that situation. It's hard and it comes with a lot of pain and misunderstanding and judgment. And at the end of the day, you get one life. You get one life. How are you going to continue to live it? Are you going to continue to live it in ways that don't serve you? Now, I'm not saying like shutting down all conflict. And anybody that doesn't think your way, you cut out. I see a lot of that. And they throw like, this isn't in alignment with me or I'm not going to. I'm dealing with some of this in my life where it's like I'm just going to not address it. Cut people out, you're toxic, blah, blah, blah. And that's fine. People can do what they want with their life. I send so much love their way. But cutting people off without communication, sometimes there's a time and place for that. Sometimes there is. Sometimes it's a spiritual bypass, sometimes it's disassociative behavior. Sometimes it's mean and hurtful. And sometimes it's all of it. Right. My goal with every family isn't to just like split everybody up and say, you know what? Leave all these situations if it's salvageable. I absolutely want that for everyone. I miss my family. I do. I miss the family that I don't have relationship with. There are times that I think, well, maybe I can just like deal with it. But you know, my nervous system, my body, my inner child, the legacy that I'm going to pass on to my children. We know the truth. And it's complicated. It is complicated. I'm not saying it isn't, but I will say this healing happens when we can meet all situations with compassion and empathy, even abusive situations, not condoning any shitty behavior. I'm not condoning abuse or any of the horrible things that can happen within a family unit. I am not condoning any of it. However, there is a way to find compassion. I promise you, I promise you. I promise you. Not just for people that may have hurt or harmed you, but also, and especially for yourself. Because quite honestly, if you aren't giving compassion to yourself, you aren't really doing it for other people. And when I want to kind of hit myself over the head with a shame stick from time to time for making the hard decision to walk away from family, whether they were by blood or chosen family, I've had some chosen family of recent that I've had to let go. And it's hurtful. It is hurtful. And I know that, that sometimes it's not always going to be understood. But for us to step into the next version of ourselves, sometimes that's required. Sometimes it's required too much. Who is given much is required. And for me to do this kind of work, I have to walk this talk in integrity. Now, that's not the only reason why I do it, but it's why I'm great at what I do. And you might be wondering, like, and it doesn't have to be like just the family under your house. It could be siblings that are grown or whatever. If you're having conflict with a family member and you really want help with this, you know, sitting in a therapist's office maybe isn't as effective. It's a. It's slow and not as fast, and you're in crisis and maybe you need somebody to facilitate it just a little bit different. I'm not minimizing therapy by any means, but it is slow and it doesn't always move the needle fast enough for people to see the effectiveness in it. The beauty in working with somebody like me, and especially me, is we get to the heart of things super fast, where every single person involved feels empower and equipped with the right tools and some implementation tools and integration tools to help them navigate conflict. Even the best of families have conflict. And quite honestly, conflict, healthy conflict, is the greatest catalyst for growth and change. But so many of us avoid it. You know, for those of you that are just cutting people off, you're cutting off your own growth right now. If you have an abusive situation, I understand why, but they. But you can understand where there's bigger dynamics to. This family is everything to me. It really, really is. And the family I've Created is everything to me. And you know, I still have a beautiful, beautiful relationship with my ex's family. Like I've been divorced 15 years and I have an excellent relationship with the family. There wasn't always that way after a divorce. Right. I have a stronger relationship with some of them than my own blood. Sometimes it doesn't make us bad people or that we're saying other people are bad. Sometimes it just can't get worked out. But I want to be able to equip you with the tools and resources. If you all have some fight left in you to make this better, if you are somebody that wants to bring me in to your family dynamic to help you all be better for each other. There is nothing like a strong team and especially the family unit, whatever that looks like for you. I'm here to serve you. It has been some of the greatest work I've ever done. It is. I'm so passionate about it because I've seen single handedly what it did to my own family. It's life changing. If you are needing some of that in your life, please reach out to me again. I'm on Instagram @traceyomalley. If you know this is something you want to dive deeper into with your family, send me an email. Go to traciomalley.com, the work with me section. There's an email address there. You can click on it to inquire more about what that might look like. We can sit down on a quick call with no pressure to feel out what the situation is. And if now is the time for something like this, I'd be honored. And it is my privilege to help many of you build and empower the strong home team. Because when our home team is strong, the rest of the things in our life become that much better. I promise you. I'm so grateful for the trust that so many of you have put into me. Whether it's through individual typing sessions or bringing me into your businesses and families. I never get tired of my work. I really don't. I love it so much. You know, so many of us have experienced hard things in our past and it doesn't have to take us out. It doesn't. We can use. You know, I hate everything happens for a reason. I really don't love that phrase because heinous shit and horrible things do happen from time to time. But I do believe even within conflict and dysfunctional families, if people are willing to do the work, we can take something that was hard and painful and turn it into magic. And beauty and have it serve something absolutely incredible in this world. And I know that you want all the hard things that you've experienced to matter for something great. I'd be honored to come in and help you guys all make sense of it. As always, I'm here to help you become the ultimate leader in your life. I am grateful for your trust and willingness to take me on the journey with you in this beautiful thing called life. You guys, I'm grateful for you. Until next time.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.

Sam.