EP273: {Special Series} Being an Enneagram Two - The Good, Beautiful, Hard, and Ugly of the Helper

Welcome to the Leadership Formula Podcast where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hey. Hey. Welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula Podcast and we are continuing our series. We are in week two. So we are in the type of Enneagram two, otherwise known as the Considerate Helper. And today I'm going to dive into some of the qualities, motives, behaviors, fears, all the things in regards to the enneagram2. Honestly, I'm raising a considerate Helper honestly teaches me compassion and patience and kindness, empathy. This is the Superpower of the Enneagram 2. Enneagram twos, when they are at their best and can have boundaries and know that their worth isn't tied to what they do for other people, but because they are. And they are amaz. When a two steps into that, they are unmatched because they build connection. And honestly, connection is where we find deepest understanding, truth, credibility, value. And nobody does it better than an enneagram 2. Now you might be saying, I don't know If I'm an enneagram 2. I sound like an enneagram 2. I feel everything. I am an empath. You might be a highly sensitive person and might assume you are an Enneagram too. If you've taken an online assessment, just know that Those are inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time. They're a beautiful starting point. You can take your time and patience with it or you can get into someone like me to help guide you through that. But we're going to dive into the ins and outs. If maybe two has shown up in your online assessments in the top four, really take a listen and listen to the motives because motives determine your Enneagram type, not the behaviors, not the coping mechanisms, motives and the core fear. So some keywords that really describe an Enneagram two very generous, caring, concerned, friendly, interactive, warm hearted, even seductive at times. And this underlying kind of subconscious thing that they aren't always aware of is that they Give to get. You know, they help. They, they're the first to raise their hands and say, I can help. If, if their calendar is empty, they'll agree. But a lot of times you can imagine if that core motive, which is to be loved and appreciated, is running really, really strong. And maybe they're feeling insecure, inferior. A lot of times they can over yes themselves to death to try to fill that, that need. That is, you know, their own manipulation of themselves. And then what happens is sometimes they can become depleted, have resentment because it's not being reciprocated. They don't understand why other people don't operate like this. And the cycle continues. Enneagram Twos are very warm. They make it easy for others to connect with and like them. They're very giving and caring, anticipate the needs of others. They really can feel out a situation and intuitively know what might be needed. That is their spiritual gift. They're very people centered, relationship focused. They excel in roles we're engaging with, clients and people matters. As long as they have boundaries, I'm going to keep saying that word for my Enneagram Twos. They can put their own feelings and needs on the back burner in order to support others. This is also their gift and the Kryptonite. If they're not careful, they're good at paying compliments and they can make people feel special and, and boost their confidence. So let's get to know the Enneagram Twos a little bit. They value relationships and kindness, generosity and self sacrifice are important to them. The Enneagram 2 strives to make the world a more loving and beautiful place. They offer support and attention to those that they care about and even perfect strangers. At their best, the Enneagram 2 practices Self care while also attending to others, bringing humility into their interactions with the world around them. When they're not at their best and kind of in a codependent pattern or, you know, they're trying to fill a hole or a need that maybe they're not getting internally. Their tendency to give in order to get might make them seem flattering and manipulative with a deep sense that they need to earn love from others. This is something that I really speak life into my Enneagram to clients that I work with, that you do not have to earn your worth. You do not have to earn appreciation and love. You are incredible and worthy of all of it. If you say no, you are worthy and deserving of all of it. When you don't enable people, it's very, very challenging for a two sometimes, when they aren't feeling loved and appreciated, to not lean into that unhealthy pattern. So some typical enneagram2 patterns, like I said, they value people and put effort and energy into developing relationships with others. So in business, this is really important. In partnerships and parenting, it's awesome. It enables an Enneagram 2 to establish deep friendships and connections. They do draw people to them through the expression of their generosity. This also can make them susceptible to narcissists, quite honestly. It's like the Enneagram 2 finds so much of their worth in what they do for others. And a narcissist really loves when people cater to them. And so it can be a trap if they're not careful. People around Enneagram Twos are likely to receive lots of compliments, praise and positive feedback as twos want others to feel special, motivated and well treated. They enjoy expressing their appreciation of others and may develop habits around making others feel good. They're quick to act to prevent someone from attempting to harm someone they want to protect. They're thoughtful and considerate. Enneagram twos are likely to spend mental energy thinking about people in their life, and their thoughts are likely to be filled with other people's needs, futures and desires. And this might include needs that those others aren't even consciously aware of. Enneagram Twos rarely focus on their own needs, futures and desires, even when others ask about them. Something else that an enneagram too, has to be aware of. Because you intuitively can read a situation and know what it calls for, part of you doesn't understand that others don't do the same for you. And I really want every Enneagram too, to understand this, that we cannot read or intuitively know things the way that you do. It is your gift. You know, all the other eight Enneagram types have their gifts, so it's imperative, imperative that you use your words and ask for what you need. And where the conflict comes is you feel that this is selfish to have your own needs, because so much of your significance comes in doing for others that your inability to receive sometimes without being asked with asking, I mean, can become very challenging. I want you to think for a moment, if you're an Enneagram too, how it feels when someone allows you to help them or that you can spot a need. You are not helping people, and you're not if you kind of rob us all from being able to help you. Nothing really gives me more joy than serving and creating value, especially for my enneagram2son because he's so generous and so helpful and never, ever complains about it. And so when I can be more in tune with something he may need, I've gotten better about asking him to use his words, and he does. But there's nothing like me slowing down and trying to drop into what would a two do for him right now? So if you are listening and you are not an enneagram 2, it is really, really important, even though you're. You don't operate like an enneagram 2, that you kind of think, what would this person do? How would this person intuitively help? Right. How others might experience an enneagram, too. Others may enjoy and be very appreciative of the support, attention, and care given to them by twos. However, when their help is unsolicited, people can find the enneagram 2 as intrusive, manipulative, and needy as they push themselves on others. So a lot of times this can be in parenting, this can be if an enneagram 2 is in a relationship or a friendship with somebody that has some addictive patterns. This is where codependency and enabling comes into play. And probably the number one thing I want the Enneagram 2 to understand.

I know that your heart is to help. I really, really do. And I know how challenging it is to watch somebody make mistakes, especially if you have freedom in your calendar and you know that you can help a situation. A lot of times this help turns into enabling because if people don't have a consequence, and sometimes that consequence is pretty bad. But a lot of times, if people don't have a hard enough consequence, the lesson is never learned and the pattern continues. And if the pattern continues, when you come in and swoop in with your tape and rescue them, you get resentful. Like, you're. Like, I've made your life easier. How can you not understand this? And the answer is, is because the consequence wasn't big enough to affect their life or cause them enough reason to change. So you being the considerate helper, sometimes the greatest help you can be is to let people fall on their face, to not raise your hand first and say, I can help. Honestly, think about it. If you were. If you have a child and they're in, like, second grade, if the teacher came in and answered all the questions, or your child did the research or developed the learning muscles to become an independent, critical thinker, do you think your child would ever be able to, you know, move forward with their education or have deeper Understanding or have the confidence even to learn on their own, no. So you can't keep doing that and really understanding that some of this is coming from your own need and motive to be loved and appreciated. But you know, sometimes this temporary disappointment that others might have in you for saying no or not stepping in is the very, very thing that helps them. And although they may not see it in present time, a lot of times down the road, they will appreciate and love you more for some of this. Tough love. Okay? It's hard. I know. The biggest fear of the enneagram too is being unloved, unneeded, unwanted, or re. And this is where a lot of this over giving and over yes ing yourself comes in, right? So the fixation that kind of they implement in their life is this. Flattery, right? So seeking the acceptance and approval of others as a way to feel loved leads unhealthy enneagram twos to give compliments or other forms of attention to others. And this strategy of flattery is underpinned by their denial of their own needs. I will tell you this as an enneagram 8 words of affirmation and flattery. Even when it's genuine, if you do too much of it and I can sniff out when it's coming from an insecure place, I automatically assume you've got an agenda, right? And I will. That's usually when some of my spidey senses come up. So it doesn't work on everybody. And especially if it's coming from a place of trying to earn love appreciation. You know, if you've got some healthy people in your life, they're gonna call you on it. And if you use it with some unhealthy people, you're going to be taken advantage of. So knowing that you can give compliments when you don't expect anything in return, if there isn't, maybe even the subconscious agenda, okay? Honestly. Otherwise you're going to either lead yourself down a path of resentment or you're going to get rejected by somebody like me who's going to sniff it out and know that maybe there's an ulterior motive here. Even something as simple as wanting to be liked. Honestly, you don't have to earn your love. I will say this again. My enneagram twos. Now, the vice of the enneagram 2 is pride. So twos perceive themselves as the helper in a needy world, right? I'm the one that can save you. If I don't do it, nobody will. This establishes a sense of pride that rests on Them valuing and investing in how they would like to see themselves rather than how they really are. And this pride in being needed makes them feel relevant, important and valued. It's not always obvious though, and it can be masked with self effacing and humble behavior. My son does this one a lot, right? However, it often shows in the twos, flattery and support of those who indulge their pride and make them feel needed. This is where like the narcissism trap can come into play. But I'm here to tell you my Enneagram twos. Narcissists can't be a narcissist and act out in it if you aren't enabling them. Okay, it always takes two. Twos often believe that they have unlimited energy and time to help others and do not need to have their supplies replenished or give to themselves. And they are not needy, but they are needed. Your giving is largely a tactic in your quest to find love and be loved. You want to be seen as lovable, want to be seen as a giving person. And you are invested in how you're perceived by important others. And this pride rises and falls depending on how relate to you. So you have two wings as well, right? You have an enneagram one and an Enneagram three as your wings. The goal is to use both of them. Must use both of them. Because your two default will always have you saying, what will get me more? Love and appreciation. That is your default. And you will always kind of have to with compassion. Check yourself. You value love. You value love. It is everything. It is like everything to you. You value relationships, right? But you have some blind spots, right? You can over focus on others. So that leads you to tune out your own needs. And then you have your. You. You have blind spots for what you even desire, right? So that's the first step to have more balanced, healthy relationships. Another blind spot. You may not be aware of the subconscious intention behind your generosity, right? Although your intentions may be good, you may overlook the ways in which you disempower or offend others with your unsolicited advice and help. Another blind spot for you. Your attention may become confused when you are trying to be helpful to more than one person at a time. And this is kind of where you feel like you are spinning all these different plates at the same time. And when that happens, your defense mechanism comes up. And the defense mechanism of an enneagram 2 is repression. So you repress your own needs and agenda, either brushing them aside or projecting them onto others. This is where you can kind of look like an enneagram 8 a lot of the times. This is where when you have overdone it and you are stressed beyond max. This is why a lot of twos, sometimes, if they're in deep levels of stress, mistype as an enneagram 8. So what triggers this, what triggers all of this is being taken for granted, not feeling heard, others being treated abusively and being excluded. This is a tough one. Even when, you know, like that relationship has run its course or this friend group or whatever, feeling excluded is never ever a great thing. That will always trigger an enneagram 2 to maybe over give or overcompensate or project their own stuff. Now, the real virtue and the real goal for the enneagram 2 is humility. By learning to acknowledge your limits and recognize that you are not as indispensable to other people as they believe, pride gives way to humility. And as a result, the type 2 is able to establish healthy boundaries and give love as needed. Because your growth Number is the Enneagram 4. The growth number is the Enneagram 4. You go from the considerate helper to embody the creative individualist. Individualist. I know for every Enneagram too, you probably were just like, holy moly, what the heck does that mean? Like, so much of what you do and how you operate is based on other people. But when you start to have boundaries and start to say no and recognize just because you can help doesn't mean you should. Just because there isn't something blocking your calendar doesn't mean you have to say yes or come up with an excuse or even create a lie. But leaving miracles in your calendar will allow you to really settle in for what you do desire and what you do want for this life. And that can create a very uncomfortable feeling at first because you have filled up so much of your time serving other people and maybe believing that's what you needed to do to be worthy. The thought of individualism scares you because something's going to happen. You're going to be faced with, oh my gosh, I have spent so much time doing for others, I don't even know what I want to do anymore. And that uncertainty creates a little bit of a rumble in you. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good. The other thing that's going to happen when you establish boundaries, start saying no, recognize that you have to let people make mistakes instead of maybe enabling some bullshit along the way, is those very people are going to start asking somebody else for help. And that is Going to trigger a little case of FOMO for you, a little fear of missing out. And it might trigger you so much that you retract your no and your boundary and then over give all over again. And then that cycle will continue. So I want my Enneagram Twos, or if you love or lead one, to encourage them saying no. If you have an enneagram 2 in your life, although it's really easy to lean into them because they are the yes people in your life and they're so eager to help, I don't want you to feed into this healthy pattern. I really, really don't. Now, the Enneagram 2, you're listening right now. Really understanding how to use your wings will be really important because your two, like I said, every time we'll default to I want to be loved and appreciated. And that comes in the form of people and connection. You know, using the one wing as your black and white fact checker. Well, if you help them, not only will they not learn their lesson, but this isn't yours to do. You know that enneagram1 is straight shooting black and white facts. Now, just having the facts, the enneagram2 won't always take action on the facts. The default again will be like, ah, I know it's true, but I care about them. I don't want. I feel bad. I don't want them to think I don't love them or whatever, right? Whatever.

Stuff you tell yourself of why you do what you do when you know, like, you need a healthy boundary here or you're enabling, right? So the beautiful part about being an Enneagram too is that on the other side of you, you have a three wing, which is, you know, the achiever. Now again, you. This doesn't mean you're motivated like an achiever or a one like the reformer, but you can use their gifts. And the gift of the Three in this situation is see the goal. Hit the goal. Blinders on. We're not going to take feelings into consideration. What's the goal here? And the goal here is to have established healthy boundaries, not enable people so that you can step into the best version so you can say yes to the right things and the things that really matter. The Three is like, okay, what's that goal? Great, let's see what the One has to say about that. Let's fact check it. And the One and the Three can really bookend the Two in you. And the beautiful thing is, is you always will have the essence and heart of an Enneagram too. So that you can execute this and articulate this when in a good place, from a place of compassion, love and empathy, which is your superpower. So with your one wing, that will allow you to be more assertive and learn to discern. And that three wing is how you step into leadership and the core objective in this situation. Now I know you might be thinking like, okay, I might have an enneagram2 in my life. And I realize that maybe I let them help me more than I should. And I understand this. I have to really check myself before I lean in to my son because he's the first to say yes and he genuinely wants to do things for me and I love that. But I don't want to take away so much of his, you know, four zone, right. So I'm really discerning. So if you love or lead or care about an Enneagram too, you want to encourage them to spend time in that four zone, finding out what really lights them up and their desires. And so then when you encourage that, you know, and then you do lean into them for help, it. It feels like a yes for everyone involved. And if you aren't sure what you look like on the Enneagram, like I said, a lot of the online assessments are inaccurate 65 to 70% the time. I highly encourage you to book a typing session with me. I won't be doing these live 90 minute sessions much longer. At least at the the way that it stands today. If this has been on your heart or it's been on your vision board as something to do, do not hesitate. Things are changing here in quarter four. Coming soon. I've got some more exciting things for you. But having the right information is key in using this incredible tool of the Enneagram. It's been a game changer in my life and in my work and in the large businesses and corporations and families that I work with. Over the last decade, I've worked with thousands and thousands of people specifically with the Enneagram. And it is the fastest shifting growth tool I have ever used. And in 50 years I've used quite a bit of them. And I really want to help you use this in all areas of your life when you can really see yourself fully and have a new level of self awareness and know what to do with it and acknowledge where things have gone along the way. With compassion and empathy and love and honor, anything's possible. And that all happens in my Enneagram Kickstart sessions that I do for 90 minutes with you. You get typed properly, you understand your wings, your growth, your stress number and what to do with it in your your life. You can go to Tracy O' Malley.com the work with me section to do that. Don't wait much longer. Things are changing and you can always kind of take this journey on your own too. But having the right information gives you the right GPS for your soul blueprint. And once you have unlocked that, using this as a compass in all areas of your life makes things a lot easier and honestly a little more fun. It becomes like this whole big puzzle piece puzzle you're putting together with the pieces of of who you are, the things that make you amazing, and even those little quirky pieces that don't seem to make sense when they're laying on the table. And then you finally find where they all fit together. And that's the magic of the Enneagram. And I would love to be with you on that journey in your life. If you loved this episode or if you love or lead an Enneagram 2, please share this with them. If you are an Enneagram 2, know that we are so appreciative of you. We value everything that you are, not just what you do. And later this week we will be bringing you an interview with a firecracker of an Enneagram too. She is amazing. So look for that in a few days so that you can hear from the voice and the mind and the soul and the heart of another Enneagram too. It's really helpful to hear it from somebody who is eating, breathing, loving, leading, living this whole thing. But in the meantime go to traceyomalley.com the work with me section if you want to dive deeper into the Enneagram and you and how to actually use this in all areas of your life. As always, it is my honor and privilege and pleasure to help you become the ultimate leader in your life. See you soon.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.