EP275: {SPECIAL SERIES} Being an Enneagram Three—The Good, Beautiful, Hard and Ugly of the Achiever

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Welcome to the Leadership Formula Podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hello. Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula Podcast. And we are continuing our series on what it's like to be an Enneagram Type. Insert your Enneagram type. And this week we are doing the Enneagram 3. The highly desired Enneagram 3. And all my threes are like, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. We all want to be like the Threes sometimes. I really, really. I was originally mistyped as a 3 in enneagram 3, the competitive achiever. They make it look so damn easy and they look so focused and resourceful and driven, and they are all those things. They really, really are. Their motive runs deep, their fears run deep, and very rarely will you see it. It's why we end up comparing ourselves a lot to them. But I want you to know there's always a catch. There is absolutely always a catch. And we're going to get into it today. And I want this episode especially for those of you that love or lead a three, or maybe you have a little bit of jealousy or envy towards a three, I think this is really, really important to understand. Also, if a 3 is one of your wings or one of your lines or even part of your tri type, which I'm going to start talking about tri types a little bit more too. It's really, really important to understand the gifts, the downfalls, all the things. Enneagram 3. Enneagram Threes are driven by a desire and motive and need, quite honestly, to be significant. And how they find that significance is out in the world by what they do, what they achieve or how they appear. That's why very rarely will you know a three is struggling unless you probably live with them. And even then, even then, it may be hard to tell. When I was mistyped as an enneagram3, I was like, cheering. And if you've ever been typed as an enneagram3, especially my high achieving women. If you're cheering about it, most likely you're mistyped. Enneagram women, high achieving women are very often mistyped as an enneagram 3 because of the behaviors. But the Enneagram, as you know or you're learning, is not about the behaviors. It is about the motive and the fear behind it. So obviously when I was mistyped originally as an enneagram3 and I'm cheering, I was like, yeah, but those were my, those were my defense mechanisms. And a lot of times those behaviors were protecting the core fear. And, you know, the threes need to outshine the rest. And looking at myself like, I don't care about that, I really, really don't. I'm not driven by a need of significance. Primarily we, we all have that basic human need to be significant, but it's not my main driver. And for Enneagram threes, they want to be the best at everything they do, and they'll do things just because they can be the best at it. And I'm sure for a lot of you listening, if you are a three or you love or lead a three, you can see that pattern where it may not be what makes them feel fulfilled necessarily, or it's why they get to a finish line and finish a goal and they don't feel anything. Is a lot of times an enneagram 3 will do things just because they can be great at it or be the best at it, or it comes with a lot of recognition or prestige, but it can feel really, really empty. And I'll explain where that comes from in a second. Some keywords. When you're thinking about the Enneagram 3, the competitive achiever, Competitive, ambitious, busy, practical, focused, adaptive and task oriented. They see the go, they hit the goal and they put the blinders on and it's like pow. And it's like A to B real freaking quick. Now you can see where that can get them into a little bit of trouble. And for those of you that have been in their presence or part of their inner circle, sometimes you might have felt like ignored when they're in that zone, neglected. Maybe even have felt like you're a part of a plan rather than a part of a relationship sometimes, because that tunnel vision is so, so strong for them when they are in it. Imagine if your worth is tied and you believe this, this is that unhealthy part, right? If you really believe that your worth is tied to what you do, what you achieve and how you appear in the world, can you Imagine how strong that will be and you won't let anything stand in the way of that. Right? It's why they're super ambitious, super efficient, adaptable, driven and results oriented. So type Threes are likely to value achievement as a result. Efficiency, results and image are important to an enneagram 3. They strive for success, they adapt to get what they want. At their best, they are hardworking, effective, and they bring the gifts of hope and integrity to their work and to the world. When they're not in a good place. Three's over expressed need to appear successful may make them self important and inconsistent. Invested in self worth that is built on what they do rather than who they are, how others might perceive them. I'm sure a lot of you listening have a love hate with the three. If you aren't a three because you admire them yet you might like they might piss you off. So how you might be experiencing them as energetic, capable, you may willingly follow their lead because they're so inspiring. Sometimes, however, the Three's communication style and competitiveness may seem a little too assertive and too self focused to you. As they adapt their Persona frequently. Others might question the achievers authenticity and integrity. You might also be intimidated by their effectiveness and professionalism or feel unable to match the Three's tempo and energy. And for the Threes that are listening, you need to understand that that might be how you're received. Right. It doesn't mean that you know, as an eight, I've had to be very mindful of how other people receive me. Does that change who I am? No. But I have to be very mindful of how it gets expressed. And for the Threes it is so, so, so important because especially if you're in leadership, people start believing that. And sometimes your tone and your communication is like if you don't, if you don't hold on tight, I'm going to leave you behind. I'm going to leave you behind. So threes can make people feel abandoned or unimportant if you're not careful. And when I'm working with Threes, I always kind of give them the little pre warning, I'm going to slow you down so that we can speed you up in a way that feels fulfilling, is more effective, is in true leadership fashion and will eliminate some of the burnout that you might feel. Enneagram Threes are most prone to workaholism burnout. Emotionally, physically, all the things their social style is. They're very, very assertive. This is how they get what they want. Typically Threes are energized by success. So they move towards goals and pushing against obstacles when they don't get what they want. Threes typically aim to resolve conflict efficiently, quickly and competently. And sometimes they, because they've got shit to do, they'll sweep things under the rug. And that's where it can get very confusing. The biggest vulnerability for an enneagram 3 is feeling worthless. That is like their biggest fear. And when their worth is tied in an unhealthy way to what they do, what they achieve or how they appear to not feel the worthlessness that maybe is dysfunctional in them, they get busier, they get, they get more assertive, they set bigger goals and, and put their head down as to not feel it because they are in the feeling center of intelligence. So they do operate from their feelings, but they, they shove em down so far because they don't have time for that. They don't wanna be perceived as not having their shit together. But it's there. It's there and it's brewing. So that underlying emotion that's brewing for them is shame. And you might be surprised if you aren't an enneagram 3, but you admire them, you're like really shame. I would never guess that. True. They won't let you see it. And like I said, unless you live with them, you probably never will. When I started really diving into this kind of work a decade ago, I realized that I really trigger threes sometimes. They're either really, really drawn to me or they really, really, really avoid me and don't really like me. And the reason is, is, you know, as an 8, and especially a 1 on 1 8, I have very strong instincts and intuition and I see right through it. For every three out there, and everybody out there is. I look through the lens of compassion and empathy, not judgment or envy or anything like that. Today, 99% of the time, imagine this. You're working hard to put on the face and keep it together. And you might know that shit's going sideways underneath the surface. And here comes me rolling around, that sees right through it. That can be very, very uncomfortable. In fact, I've had many threes that have been in my life do the quick exit because it's so uncomfortable, because they know they can't hide. They know that I'm not buying what they're throwing down. Again, not with a judgment. But that's where their worth is, is tied. Right? This ties me to their, their vice, which is deceit, not deceiving, like necessarily intentionally other People, but mostly they deceive themselves into believing that the only way they're worthy is what they do and what they achieve. Because they fear that without proving their worth, without their list of successes, contributions, and accomplishments, they really do believe, when they're not in the best space, that they will be unloved and all alone. So where do they get fixated? And this. I could see this, like, because I'm very vain. But where three can get fixated is in vanity. In their search for this external validation, an unhealthy 3 avoids failure by carefully managing and polishing their image. They become chameleon like. And sometimes, if you might even judge them as being fake, adapting their story, their appearance, to create the impression of being accomplished or successful. With that fixation of vanity, what you see is more important than what you really, really get. And Quite often, a 3 doesn't even know who they are. And when a 3 is drawn to me, this is where a very powerful journey begins. Because they so badly don't want to believe that their worth is that. But it's so. It's like muscle memory. Just like I want the world to believe that, you know, I am strong and all the things, and I am, but I will go to the ends of the earth to protect the fear of being seen as weak, right? And I don't want to do that all the time. This muscle memory is so powerful. And that's why the framework of the end Enneagram is a freedom tool for you, so that you can stand in your true authenticity. Authenticity. And yes, Threes, you will always be the best. Just know this, you will always be the best. But it won't be dictated by what you do, what you achieve, or how you appear in the world. And that is where freedom lies. And so where that deceit comes in, you know, needing to appear successful to others, three spend a lot of time and effort cultivating the right image. You know, you'll carefully craft and present only what you want others to see, hiding weakness and vulnerability. And that's why, like, for an eight, I don't need all the good news, I need all the news. And when I can sniff that A3 is withholding or. Or kind of framing it in a way that I'm not getting the full story. That's also why threes and eights can kind of go at it sometimes. Threes have the ability to read others and present themselves in a way that establishes connection and rapport. And for this reason, three threes are the chameleon of the enneagram. A lot of times we think the nines might be. But threes actually do it in a whole different way. And threes can take on the coloring of their surroundings. As long as they're highest in the pecking order, they will do whatever they need to do. There are a number levels of the deception internally for that three necessary to maintain this world and the image and how they want to appear. It's why it can be very lonely for them sometimes. You can also tend to see. And again, I don't want you to use this as a judgment tool ever, just because you have your own envy and maybe shame about yourself. This is not to give you permission to harshly judge the three because they've got their own stuff going on. They really, really do. They deceive themselves. They do. They deceive themselves as they create disconnect between image and real self. And you can see threes go in patterns. I see it a lot of times like they'll have little group of friends and inner circle, and as their goals shift, so do their friends. And I've had a similar thing happen. A lot of that has to do with, you know, positive, healthy growth and not everybody being on board. But for a three, sometimes that can be like, I needed these people to accomplish this goal, this achievement, and now I'm moving on to another group that can help me get to the finish line or the end zone or whatever that looks like. And for the threes, it's really mindful to know that that can leave a lot of hurt feelings. You may not care, but I know if you're listening to me, you do want to grow. But that's how you can maybe be received by other people. Your true feelings, wants, and intentions are neglected to the background in service of your image. That's why it can feel so lonely and so exhausting. In doing so, it may become easier to say the right thing than to tell the truth. Blocking you from discovering who you really are and blocking the rest of us from loving you and appreciating you for who you are, not what you are or what you do. This shows up in how you can shape shift to present yourselves in a way that others approve or admire you. So a few of the blind spots and the triggers. The triggers are being set up for failure. You don't like that? Not looking good professionally, not receiving credit for your work. I really piss off Threes when I don't give them enough. Atta boys and atta girls. I used to do that to piss them off intentionally. Now it's just because I'm not driven like that. I forget sometimes, but I'm being more mindful, being blamed for others poor work. And where your defense mechanism kicks in when this happens is your self image becomes over identified with your achievements, work, projects, successes, until you believe that you are what you do. For example, rather than admitting that you might need help or a break, less healthy threes facing failure might focus on what they have achieved to throw yourselves even further into your work in an effort to avoid discomfort and reassure yourself. And this is where that body burnout can happen. So here's some blind spots. If threes over identify with their image, they lose touch with who they really are. And others might see this as an insincere or lacking self awareness. You have a blind spot for failure or criticism. And instead you may rush or dismiss conversations about your mistakes and shortcomings. Or you might get really defensive. Their goal orientation may lead others experiencing them as impatient, rushed and dismissive. Those behaviors are more intense with people they see as less competent. This is where threes and eights can look a lot alike too. Confidence might project as a blind spot for alternative perspectives, which may alienate others and decrease the openness to the three's inputs, plans and goals. If somebody isn't a three and they feel like their opinion's not going to matter, you're going to lose them and you're going to end up doing it all yourself, which is going to lead to burnout, loneliness, lack of fulfillment. Because I mean, let's just be real. We're here for the journey. We really, really are. Enneagram threes value effectiveness, the virtue when they're at their best. You offer hope. You offer hope because you do really set the tone. You are the pace car, you are incredible and all of that. So your three default will always have you. Kind of like, I need significance, I need to do, I need to achieve, I need to appear a certain way. And if you're left to your own three ways, you know this is where you won't ever reach the level of growth emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially that you want because you'll end up burning yourself out. You'll end up burning out your relationships. So you need the wings. They are very, very important for an enneagram 3. And the wings and the lines which are like the stretch and release and the growth and stress numbers are really, really important. The wings help you evolve and they are evolutionary. The lines are revolutionary when you use these four types connected to yourself as a three or this is how you can help support a three. This is where their greatest growth comes. Will they cross the finish line first every single time? No, but they will enjoy the journey. They will recognize that they're a better leader. They have more connection. They are loved for who they are. So although this might feel really uncomfortable for a three at first, it's imperative for that revolutionary growth and fulfillment that I know you really, really desire. And it won't feel so lonely. So how do you grow through the wings? Well, as a three, you have a two on one side and you have a four on the other side. The two wing can help you motivate others because you actually care. And you're, like, in the trenches with them or, you know, you're. You're thinking about not just your end goal. I. I say you're, like, more in the soul line rather than the goal line all the time. And, you know, when you have people bought in to you and what you're doing, you'll get there a lot faster and more efficiently and effectively. It also makes people believe that you can relate to them, which is really, really important. The Enneagram 4 wing, accessible to the Enneagram 3 allows you to tap into that heart space. You are in the heart center of intelligence, after all. This is where you're able to show your emotions, even if it might slow you down temporarily. Really, really important. But also, that beautiful part of the forewing is, do I really, really, really love doing this? Now, the three in you will default to like, I don't care if I love doing this. I can win, right? But that four wing will be I tell the three. It's like your final filter. Like, run it through there. Is this really for me to do? Just because I can doesn't mean I always should. Right now, the other two lines connected to the Enneagram 3 are the 6 and the 9. And the biggest release, where you connect to your real feelings and share them honestly and maybe slow down for the process rather than just the product or the end result is through that enneagram6. Very, very challenging. Left to your own three ways, you will never slow down. And that's where the 2 and the 4 can serve as this supporting cast to help you utilize the beautiful, beautiful gifts of the Enneagram 6, the loyal skeptic. Now, the stretch one, the stretch one, or the stress number. You can use the nine in a beautiful Yoda, like, wise way, or you can move, which is typically where a three will go. They don't naturally kind of go into that slowing down which is like the 9 zone. Nines love moving slow. But usually when a 3 visits that 9 space, it's because they've burnt out their body or they've been going, going, going, or they've burnt out their relationship. So a lot of times a 3 will end up in that 9 zone, not by choice. And what happens when they are there, it's so slow and slow, so shut down sometimes that it creates shame in a three. And they can get a little bit emotional to the people closest to them. But to the outside world, this might be seen as them just taking a break on social media. Very rarely will, you know, a three is in this nine unhealthy or nine zone. Now, where the three can use the nine in a beautiful way is, you know, connecting to other people's perspectives, more collaboration, looking at the bigger picture, not just that end zone. Really, really, really important for a three to kind of go there. There are three different types of threes. The self preservation, the one on one, and the social three. So this can change how the three gets expressed. A lot of times it's these instinctual variants that make you mistyped. So the self preservation 3 doesn't fit the stereotype a lot of the time. The self preservation 3 is the counter type, which is like one of these things does not look like the others. The Self Preservation 3 defines success in terms of efficiency and effectiveness, balance with integrity and humility. They work hard not to appear ambitious and to be the kind of person that others would approve of. So they're not as much as the flashy three or the vocal three. Their need for significance shows up in, you know, the task at hand. So for those of you that are a three, just know that I see you, I care about you, and I love you and I want to help you. Not just crush it and get to that finish line, but find fulfillment in that. For all my high achievers out there who think they are three, but it doesn't fully resonate, I encourage you and invite you to go to traceyamalley.com I'm doing live enneagram typing sessions with you for 90 minutes. I'll help you unpack all of this, make sense of it, and really allow you to still be in your freaking powerhouse zone. But do it in a way that feels really, really good. Enneagram typing sessions are powerful. They are very, very powerful. Not only will you get the right information when you're using this beautiful tool to grow, to have compassion, to lead, to love, all the things, but you'll know how to use it. I'm only doing these probably through the end of the year the way that I have. If you've been called or felt called to do that, please go to traceyomalley.com to do that. You can check me out on Instagram at traceomalley. I'm always there. Want to invite you in to grow. I really, really do. Because when you feel seen, heard, understood and valued, you can do all the things that are on your heart that you desire and most importantly, that you deserve. If you love this episode, please share it with someone or tag me or if you have questions you can reach out. Otherwise, I am always here to help you step into that ultimate leader that you are in your life. And until next time.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula Podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life, Sam.