EP277: The REAL Inner Work - The Journey of 10 years of Strong Recovery

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Welcome to the Leadership Formula Podcast where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hello. Hello and welcome to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And today we are interrupting our series because this week is a very pivotal week. Quite honestly, without the significance of this week, I am probably not here with you, honestly, or here on this earth, to be honest with you. And originally I wasn't going to break up the series with this. I wasn't even really going to talk about this because it seems maybe you wouldn't be interested in it. But the more that I do talk about my recovery, the more that you tell me that it's helping you whether you have an issue with a substance, alcohol, people pleasing, food, you name it. I believe that along the way we've all learned how to cope or numb or to feel things or not feel things one way or the other. And in a way that maybe wasn't the healthiest for us. And that's what recovery is all about. It really is. When I entered into recovery 10 years ago, it's hard to believe when you are hearing this, it will be one day away from my 10 year sobriety, date of continuous recovery, meaning without a relapse. Relapse is part of my story. And like I've said this before, even though I checked myself into rehab for an obvious problem, at least obvious to me, it wasn't obvious to a lot of people. It was primarily for alcohol because that seemed like the main culprit. I thank God every day for my willingness to walk in there and tell the full truth. And I was blessed with an amazing therapist who I still see to this day, who is the one responsible for introducing me to the Enneagram. She's a straight shooting Texan from That's an enneagram 8 on top of it. And I felt like I could just like be real with her. And obviously I was at one of the lowest points in my life and I threw all the cards on the table. And. And I said, like, the alcohol is an obvious problem to me, not to everybody else, but the food, eating disorders, codependency, anger problems, power struggles, like all the other things are what's going to take me out. And I'm so grateful that the alcohol is at least what brought me here to my knees to say, you know what? Clearly my best thinking has gotten me here, and I don't know how to get out without help. And when I walked in there 10 years ago, I had no idea how I was going to stay sober. After all, I'm like damn near 100% Irish, give or take a percentage. I was 40 years old at the time. I was born to drink and fight, and both of those got me into a lot of Trouble. So after 40 years of conditioning and building that muscle to break it down and start from scratch, even though it was a problem for me, was terrifying. I didn't know if I could still be fun. Ironically, I wasn't a lot of fun when I was drinking. Towards the end, I didn't know who I was without the mask of that. I didn't know if I could be socially unawkward without it, like all sorts of things. But I knew most importantly that my kids deserved the best version of me. And at the time, their dad wasn't in the best spot. And, you know, that's his story to tell one day if he chooses to. It's not mine to tell. And you know, I'm all about my side of the street because that's all I can keep clean and control. And, you know, I knew that I grew up in a alcoholic home. I knew that I grew up with so much uncertainty, not knowing what parent I was going to get on either side. And I knew my kids deserved at least one of us to really have their shit together. And, you know, I could see the. The pain in their eyes. You know, there were. There were times that I was just a Jekyll and Hyde. There were times that, you know, I made decisions and, you know, got in a car with them. Just not good decisions. And if we don't repair it, we repeat it. Not just ourselves, but our. Our lineage, our legacy, will repeat it. Which is exactly what I did. And I didn't want that for my kids. And it, you know, you can't just talk the talk. You have to walk the walk. So it was mainly because I wanted something different for them. I didn't know how much more I had in me. At the age of 40, my dad had just died. It was Just, you know, I was broke coming out of the recession, divorce. I had literally no money to my name. I was renting a house. It was grim, to be honest. And I was white knuckling every day. And so I remember walking into my boss's office and it was a corporate job that I had. I was making good money, but I was the sole provider financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And I wasn't doing a fantastic job at any of it. But in that moment, I knew if I didn't get help and change some things that none of this would matter. And so I walked into my boss's office. In a moment, I took my income to zero and said I wasn't coming back. If I stayed here, I was going to die. And I made the radical decision to bet on me. And I checked myself into rehab and began my journey. I'm telling you, 30 days locked up with no outside contact is very humbling. I had literally an ipod with Mumford and Sons and Eric Church loaded. I had a journal and I had a stack of Dexter DVDs. Five seasons, I believe it was, and that's literally all I had. And some Victoria's Secret sweatpants and sweatsuits. And for the next 30 days, it's really cool to look back on that journal. It's the only journal I've kept to look back at and to see how I was really self absorbed at the beginning. You know, most people that have addiction are of any form, whether you're a codependent that's an addiction, or you're addicted to a substance, or you have food stuff. We really do believe that we're unique. And the beautiful part in recovery is that we realize that we're not. We're not now. What we do with it is up to us. And I will say I've had a lot of people along the way who maybe didn't have an obvious issue. But if you are in the parental space or entrepreneurial space, I'm telling you right now, alcohol doesn't make any of it better. It really doesn't. It doesn't enhance anything, especially your health. The way that you show up, even if you're not, you know, operating liquored up or whatever up, you can't be your sharpest self. I can say that now, 10 years into this, like, I was out over the weekend with some friends and stuff, and we were watching college football and those were usually days that I would just tie one on and have a lot of hooting and hollering, fun and, you know, the People around me were, and they were having a great time, and so was I. And I was. I was so glad when I woke up the next morning, I was like, I feel great, and I have nothing to apologize for. And I have no regret or shame or feeling out of integrity in any area of my life. Some of the things I've learned along the way, though, in 10 years of recovery, to stay in recovery and to stay sober or whatever that best version of you is, you know, and emotional sobriety is part of this. That's the important part, because you can take the substance, the person, the place, the thing away, but if you don't work on the stuff that kind of had you leaning in or dependent on those things, you're just going to end up bitter, resentful, and angry without those things. Seriously, whatever the thing is just magnifies where you're at emotionally. And the real work comes working with what's left after you take the symptom away. And honestly, in my opinion, any addiction of any kind is a lack of connection to a divine power, whatever you call it, and intimacy within your relationships. And quite often, many of you, myself included, were surrounded by good people, honestly. But they weren't people that would challenge me, call me out on anything, and they. They kept me in it, you know, they would tell me nothing was wrong with you. In fact, when I decided to check myself in, every single person in my life said, you don't have a problem. Every single person. I accept my children. Right. But anyway, to maintain sobriety, I've had to confront with compassion many of the things that led me to over drink, over anger, over control, overeat, over, restrict, over intensify everything. I was confronted with what I was most afraid of. And this is where the Enneagram really has helped, honestly keep me sober. I know that that sounds crazy to maybe some of you, but it is honestly, probably, other than my faith, the number one thing that keeps me sober, because I know I can get to the root of what triggers me, what angers me, what has me isolate, what has me react maybe inappropriately at times, what has me lean into certain relationships, what has. What has me avoid relationships. And the Enneagram really pinpoints it fast for me. And I think that's why my therapist introduced me to it. You know, as an eight, I know that I'm motivated by being strong. My biggest fear is being put in a vulnerable situation or being betrayed and violated, even more than any other Enneagram type. And so a lot of my coping with any substance and control and people and all the things was to protect that fear. You know, if I kept the walls up and had this prowess about me, they couldn't. They couldn't get close enough to me. They couldn't touch me. And, you know, on paper, it kind of worked for a while, but I felt very lonely, obviously. I felt like nobody understood me. And I didn't know towards the end how to really be social without it. I really, really didn't. But along the way, over the last 10 years, you know, it's been the hardest 10 years of my life. And the best. It's sip in the best and the hardest. Because when we are radically honest with ourselves, and not just radically honest with ourselves, I know many of you are radically honest with yourself, but you pull out the shame stick to do it. No, no, no, that doesn't serve any good. The real hard part is being radically honest with ourself and meeting it with honor and compassion. That is really, really hard. Because early on, I believed, based on what I was surrounded by, what I was taught, told, and modeled, that, you know, a lot of this was my fault and it was my responsibility. Even worse, everything was my responsibility. And over the last 10 years, confronting that with. With so much love and honor and compassion, yes, it got me through. Yes, it got me, you know, where I needed to go. It created a work ethic and resilience and tenacity. All of. All of those things are really, really good, but created walls and, you know, a strong desire to isolate myself and to not rely on anyone. And for some of you, you might think that that's a strength, and in some ways it can be, but there has to be some polarity there. You know, Same thing with being the strong girl all the time and being the rock. Definitely my. My greatest asset. But if I can't find the polarized part of that, I don't receive and create unbalance in any relationship, Whether it's a friendship, whether it's a romantic partnership, even as a parent. And that is the main thing I have been confronting probably the last three years of my sobriety. I don't really have a desire to drink at all. There have been moments where I've thought, man, it would be nice to be normal with it. But then at the end of the day, I'm like, honestly, even if I could be normal with it, what for? Thank goodness being sober. Curious is kind of popular and trendy right now, so I can go to restaurants and have an experience. I'm not looking for a pseudo high or anything. But I love the taste of margaritas and I love it with Mexican food, but I don't love what happens to me. So thankfully I can explore that. And if you're new or, you know, you know, you have an issue with alcohol in the beginning, I don't recommend dabbling there. But as you go in the journey and you realize what, what you're coping and using people, places and things are for, you can quickly learn what that's about. But the thing I've had to confront the most is probably the relational part of recovery. That strong desire to protect myself and to protect myself from betrayal and violation runs very, very strong in my life. And, you know, always seeking connection and intimacy in my relationships. I don't like small talk. So if you don't like small talk or casual conversation and casual relationships, the opposite is intimate relationships and, and strongly connected ones. But if your biggest fear is betrayal and violation, you can see where that can become an issue. Right? And what I've noticed, you know, the patterns in my life that I'm continuously evolving in, and I don't, you know, I'm human. I don't care how many years I have, I am continuously peeling back the layers and layers and layers. And the biggest thing that I've noticed, especially in the last few years, as, as I've had to let people go where people have let me go, is that when I am assessing who I can let get close to me, there comes a point where I believe that they aren't strong enough to deal with me or if I should need them, do they have the capacity to do it? And if at all, I sense that they can't. Even if I am remaining in relationship, even if, you know, you're somebody I talk to every day energetically, I shut down from you. And it can feel very abandoning. It can feel very lopsided. It can feel even from other people, controlling, which isn't the case. It's a protective mechanism. It definitely isn't to control anyone. It's more to control myself. And I've realized as I've really evolved and, you know, my communication has gotten so much better and the conversations, the depths of them, I'm willing to go now. There are less and less people that can go there with me, and I'm not judging them for that. I'm really fucking intense and I don't settle for relationships that aren't, because it's going to grow me and it's going to grow you. But really, like, people like the idea of that. But It's a lot. And I understand that and I accept that along the way, I'm going to lose a lot of people. And I have. I was talking to my son earlier today, about 10 years, and my kids, this is. This is such a huge, huge day for them. You know, I turned 50 this year too. And my daughter, she was like, this is the biggest year of all time. It's like 10 years of sobriety, 50 years of life. And what you've done in the last 10 years as a mom, as a businesswoman, as a friend, as a partner, is nothing short of magical. And I don't like to be celebrated. But this, this is a day that it's for them too. Because what I did in operating in true integrity every day, and even when I'm not, I call it, I make amends to those that I know can receive it. And because of that, I've led by example. And I really changed the course of my children's life moving forward. They were 14 and 15 when I decided to get sober. Now they're 24 and 25. And as a result, they operate integrity. They can drink like normal people, you know, but they're also very aware of, you know, where they numb out in other areas. And we talk about it and I mean, they tell me everything. So that's amazing. That's not something that they would have done before because I was not in integrity. I was full of shit and I wasn't a safe place. I was full of judgment and resentment. And of course I projected it onto them. So they've gotten the best version of me. But the hardest part, honestly, has been the friendship area. You know, when I got sober at 40, I pretty much cleaned house. I mean, there were people that had been in my life that, you know, weren't day to day, people that, you know, through the business that I ended up going into, kind of reconnected with me and all of that. And I was building a million dollar business, multimillion dollar business. And a lot of those friends that were casual or part of my life at some point started to come back in as they saw me walking my talk and being the best version of myself. But when you get close to me, I will admit it is intense. It is. And I'm not saying that those that couldn't handle it are weak, because they're not. I know that I'm here for a reason for some people, and I know that they're here for me, for a reason, for something. And you know that poem I've shared On this podcast before about the reason season and lifetime. It's painful, but very, very, very few will end up lifetime people. I gotta say, the last few years, it has surprised me. Relationships ending that I didn't see coming without warning and without even a conversation at times. It's been very eye opening and painful and hurtful. And here's the real magic in all of it. Although it is hurtful and my ego hates it, I already knew that some of those relationships had run their course energetically. I had already disengaged my ego, wanted to do it on my terms, of course, because we're human. But as I saw me shedding those people and them shedding me, the divine God moved in. Beautiful people that could hold this next layer of who I was, this next growth version of who I am. And you know, recently I have probably gone through the hardest divorce of my life. And this isn't my marriage or even a breakup of, you know, a romantic partnership. I've dealt with a friendship divorce that was super painful, super painful. And there's been some really horrible things that have been said about me. There have been really terrible things done around that. And that's okay, I understand. And the parts of me that were really angry about it for, you know, other reasons and, you know, checking my own inventory because that's all I can do. I'm not here to check anybody else's checking my inventory and where things were going sideways, I'd felt it for over a year and I hadn't pulled the trigger. So that's revealing to me even more like that codependent trap and where my role was. And this is where. This is the root of my, my coping and addiction in any form, my whole life. And that ate in me always has been the rock. And my ego likes it. It is my conditioning. It's what kept me safe. It's what gave little Tracy praise. It's what got her approval. And in any relationship, I, without even being conscious of it, I can swoop in and play that hero role. And that's why people are drawn to me, because they feel safe and protected and championed. And I understand that. And then there comes a point where it's not reciprocated or I won't let them even if they could. Right. This is kind of early on and really recognizing that me being the rock has been an identity most of my life. And when all these things have gone down and the relationships of my life have run their course, what I'm most proud of is instead of saying specifically around women, instead of saying, see, this is why I don't have friends. See, this is why women are bitches or whatever I used to say the narrative. Or they're weak. That was the main narrative when it came to women. Instead of turning away from that, I leaned in to the very people in my life that actually can be there, that actually aren't rattled by my intensity, that actually do reciprocate. And these relationships that really couldn't, you know, I knew they couldn't. Even when they said they could, I knew they couldn't. And so energetically, I was already kind of guarded. And that can make people feel very abandoned. It can make people feel neglected, unnurtured. Totally understand that. I get it. I do. It's why, like, even though some shitty stuff has gone down, I'm not even like, I get it. You know, they'll have to come to terms with that part of them, you know, for their side of the street. I totally get it. I totally get it. But instead of turning my nose up and putting more walls up, I dropped them all and leaned in. And I have fucking amazing women that are strong, powerful, and actually can hold space in my life. And I leaned in instead of leaning out. And that, my friends, is a damn miracle for this girl at 10 years of sobriety. But had I quit earlier on, I never would have come to this realization. It has been so painful. This last year has been the most painful of all my years of sobriety. This 50th year has come with a lot of realizations that even though I've always kept a very small circle, it's gotten even smaller. And that being said, with that small circle, I have to nurture it even more. And I'm not typically the most nurturing person, so I'm having to build and flex muscles that aren't my strongest. You know, I can be the hero, rock strong hero, you know, champion for you. But that vulnerable, nurturing part is a muscle that I've been really working on. And it's the one I'm most proud of. Because here's the thing. I could not have the relationship I have with both of my kids, who are very, very different from me, if I hadn't. You know, people can say whatever they want about me, and I get it. That's their perception. It's their experience. But Casey and Joey don't turn out the way they have. And we don't have the relationship we have without this work and without me really being able to flex that muscle. I was thinking about it today, one of my favorite things about getting sober and for those of you that might be curious about recovery, whether it is for a substance, maybe you drink a little too much, maybe you have some disordered eating, maybe you're addicted to people and that's the hardest one to break. And having boundaries and boundaries definitely disrupt lives. And people don't like boundaries, but they're required to be in that best version version of yourself. And it's in that most integral best version of yourself that all the things that you dream about that you want to manifest and, and call into your life, you can't do that with clutter. And for a lot of you, using people, places and things are clutter in your life if that is something you want to dive deeper into. Like yes, I do enneagram work, but I dive real deep with people and my private VIP one on one coaching, I take only a select few. It is the most powerful few months of your life. You have me on speed dial to talk through all of these things. And it is through working with many of you that you know, I share most of my life with you so that you can hear and see what it looks like in real time in somebody that's been doing it a while. Just because we do the work doesn't mean it's ever done. And there are many, many ways to be in recovery, you know. Yeah, I started in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm grateful for that. Do I think it's the only way? It takes radical honesty. It takes being honest, open and willing every fucking day. It is knowing that we only have a daily reprieve, that just because we flexed and built this muscle yesterday doesn't mean that tomorrow it's going to be as strong unless we maintain it. My favorite quote that I learned in recovery and when I buy a boat one day, it's going to be the name of my boat. My favorite quote. And it's my reminder every single day that I have a choice. Am I going to do the work until I die every single day? Because the minute I put my guard down, things can go sideways, including my own stinking thinking. Right? I can justify any bullshit I do. And I know my, my ass's ego, my big old ego ass is huge and could kind of try and justify anything at any time. But you know, what we have, and this is for anyone in any kind of recovery from trauma, from anything, what we have is a daily reprieve that is contingent on the maintenance of your spiritual condition, the maintenance we all have A spiritual condition, but do you maintain it? And that is where the daily reprieve, the true freedom, even as people come and go in your life and the pain hits and the hurts come on the other side of this. I have never been stronger, more happy, more fulfilled, more free. I've never more energetically excited, more financially abundant. These relationships that ran their course, that were super painful, everything started to flow in. When that left everything, everything beautiful. I dropped £15 just like that. I was carrying a lot of dead weight. I didn't even know I was right. So that daily reprieve that was contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition, if I had stopped at all, I don't come to this point. So if you are someone that maybe wants to get to the real work and you're tired of the fluffy shit that's out there, most people won't take you this deep. But this is where true freedom, true abundance, everything that you deserve and desire is waiting for you. And having the proper guide, you can do it on your own. But it's really, really fucking hard. And you probably will, you know, take 10 forward, 15 back, 10 forward, 15 back. I did it for a good 15 years and it creates more shame and more stuckness and more wreckage. So having somebody guide you that has walked the talk, you know, definitely can help you. So if that is you, I am only accepting a few people through the end of the year and come 2023, I'm not sure how I'm going to structure this kind of coaching with people. It's definitely going to be different and the investment will definitely be higher as I'm doing a lot more team and corporate work. But if this is calling on you, the end of the year is the most triggering. This last quarter of the year. It has the room to be the most abundant, but also the biggest triggers. Through family, through holidays, through all sorts of things. If you're being called to dive deeper, don't wait until the first year. Now is the time. Now is the time. You can go to traceeomally.com, the work with me section. And in there is a private application. We'll hop on a quick call. I am not a hard seller. We will determine if you're ready. I'll determine if you're ready and we can go from there. But your freedom is waiting for you. I can't imagine where my life would be today, where my kids would be, where my financial life, my personal health. At 50 years old, I'm more financially abundant, physically healthy, spiritually full, of joy. I have the right relationships in my life, all of them. I've got bulletproof friends in my life that are strong as fuck and are powerful, strong women, personally and professionally. And I'm so grateful that as things have left my life that, you know, instead of trying to hold on to things that weren't for me anymore, I surrendered in the moment and until I sat in that wilderness and I sat in that purgatory until I didn't try to force it or manufacture it. And every single time, the right people, places, and things show up and so to close out, I just want to thank you for being with me on my journey. This has been the greatest and hardest 10 years of my life. I will continue to be honest, open and willing with myself so I can be that guide for you in your life, personally and professionally. I promise to always walk my talk, even if it's misunderstood. I'm okay with that. I will always be a champion in your corner. And I want you to know you help me too. You really, really do. But one of the things that I always think about, and it's in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, but this applies to all of us that dive into this deep inner work where we have this paradigm shift in our soul. It's why I love the Enneagram, because it really does help keep us on track and remember what's truly important and what motivates each of us individually. But I remember when I was sitting in my first meeting in rehab and they had a newcomers table, and I was sitting in a meeting and on the wall was this big, huge, probably a nine by nine framed quote wall. And I didn't know what it was, but they said the promises. And I remember reading them and starting to completely bawl my face off. Bawling my face off. And every single meeting, they would be red. And in those early days, I had a hard time believing that any of it was possible for me. At 40 years old, making a mess of my life, a mess of all my relationships. I was a mess of a mother, mess of a financial life. I never believed that any of these were possible for me. But very, very quickly, each one has been revealed to me. And as I read them, I want you to think about your life. And maybe some of these apply to you and you really wish these promises could ring true in your life. And I promise you, you show up unconditionally committed to the process and maintain that spiritual condition, not only will you have a daily reprieve, but these promises will come true in Your life. So I'm going to close out with these. They're beautiful. I might get choked up because I love them so much. These are the promises in your life when you are committed to recovery every single day of any kind. If you are painstaking about this phase of your development, you will be amazed. Before you are halfway through. Facts you are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. Facts you will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. How many of you have, like, you know, looked at the past and just are filled with shame and guilt? There's no room for that for you. You will comprehend the word serenity and you will know peace. This is my favorite one. And this is the one that keeps me going with all of you. No matter how far down the scale you have gone, you will see how your experience can benefit others. That is my life's work. Now that feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. You will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Your whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave you. This is the one I've been blown away by in the last year. Specifically, you will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle yourself. You will suddenly realize that God is doing for you what you could not do for yourself. Sometimes these seem like extravagant promises. I promise you they are not. They are being fulfilled among you. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. And they will always materialize if you work for them. But it takes that unconditional commitment to the process. And I would just want to thank you guys for leaning in this week. I know it's breaking up the series that y' all came here for. I know most of you come here for Enneagram talk, but it was in day two of that recovery center in Scottsdale, Arizona that I was introduced to the Enneagram. And you know, one of the things I heard in recovery early on was kiss, Keep it simple, sweetheart. And the Enneagram really helps me do that. When my brain wants to take over, my ego wants to, you know, armor up, I think of those promises and I think about the Enneagram and use it as a compass to keep me divinely guided in this journey so that I can show up and guide you too. I thank you for trusting me on your journey. Journey. Like I said, if this episode is calling to you or you have somebody in your life that might be struggling and doesn't see a way out, or maybe it's just not a huge problem for you right now. But you know, it's not you being in integrity and you don't like it and there's some shame involved there. Please don't hesitate to reach out. You don't have to be where I was, where it was completely disrupting your life and leaving a lot of wreckage in the people that you love and your life. Don't wait. Don't wait. You deserve it. The people that love you deserve it. The people you are meant to serve. The calling on your life needs you at your very best, and I'd be honored and privileged to take you through the journey to really find that soul that has been waiting for you to show up and be your very best self. If you love this episode, please share it with somebody. If you share it on socials, tag me so that I can cheer you on. Or if you have any questions about what that looks like, don't hesitate to reach out. If you know this is where you want to head in your growth journey. This is the Master's program. This is no slouchy shit. But I promise you that the work that we would do together will have a compound effect in every area and every person that you touch the rest of your Life. Go to traciomalley.com work with me section to fill out an application, but in the meantime, it is always my goal to help you become the ultimate leader in your life, personally and professionally. Thank you for loving me along the way in my journey, as I will love you along the way in yours. Until next time, you guys.

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This show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up question questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at Tror Malley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.