EP278: Being an Enneagram Four- The Good, Beautiful, Hard, and Ugly of the Individualist/Romantic

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Welcome to the Leadership Formula Podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose.

And make money doing something you love?

Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

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Hey. Hey. Welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And we are continuing the series on each Enneagram type, getting into the heart, the mind, the soul. And each week is dedicated to a single Enneagram type. And this week we continue back on that with the enneagram 4. Sometimes called the individualist, the intense, creative, the romantic. They are probably the least typed on the Enneagram, and I would say probably the hardest to type, quite honestly. So many people that actually are a four are often mistyped as something else, and it could be all of them. Quite honestly, the Enneagram 4 is very unique. They're very special. You know, when they're at their best, they bring beauty, magic, emotional capacity, all the juicy parts of life to life. And when they're not in a great place, it can be a lot. And because it can seem all over the place, if you are listening and you aren't in enneagram 4, I think this will be super, super helpful. I was raised with a 4. My sister, I'm pretty sure is an Enneagram 4. I'm in a relationship with an Enneagram 4. I work with a lot of Enneagram fours, I think, because so often they are misunderstood. The lens that I'm able to look at them today really helps bring out the best in them, but they can get a little all over the place, too. So today we're going to dive into what it means to be an enneagram 4. For those of you that know one, love one, lead one, this, like I said, should help you kind of bring out the best in them and maybe look at them with more compassion, understanding and love. Some key words to describe an Enneagram for are sensitive, aesthetic, intense, deep, creative, expressive and emotional. And I think probably more than any other of the Enneagram types, the subtypes are that instinctual response I've Talked about subtypes at length. It's really important part of understanding the Enneagram. It's the number one reason why most people are mistyped. But I think more than any other type, the subtypes really look very, very different from each other. Because like A self preservation 4 isn't your typical stereotype. That's who I'm with right now currently in my life. And you know, they aren't as dramatic as some of the fours can seem or they get the Rap 4. So just be aware that fours are hard to spot. Fours are hard to spot. Some of their beautiful qualities are they're self attuned. Fours are deeply connected to their own emotions and seek to understand feelings in depth. It's why like they are really great at holding space when they're not in a bad place. Because when they're in a tough spot and they're in their own crap, they can up here and be a little self absorbed. We all can. But I know for a fact when fours are in it, it's hard for them to see anything out of that. They're the most intuitive on the Enneagram as well. Now a lot of times because they have their own kind of stuff going on, they don't always act on it. And that's when things can go sideways for a four. Enneagram fours are very purpose driven because they are motivated by a need and a desire to be unique and authentic. So they are attun to what is meaningful. Fours share their personal contributions to the world. Fours are very inspired. That's why they're the creatives, the artists, the musicians, comedians, creative and imaginative. They uniquely express what matters to them most. Enneagram fours are very sensitive. They can easily sense what is missing. They dive into the heart of matters, drawing on feeling based intuition more than any other Enneagram type. And that's why also a lot of times they can be mistyped because they don't necessarily know all the time. Especially if they were raised in an environment where this wasn't nurtured. A lot of times they don't know what to do with this and it kind of freaks them out. So they can look like sevens, they can look like twos, they can look like eights even they can look like any other type sometimes. But when, when a 4 can really harness the power of their intuition, there's nobody like them. Enneagram fours are also very courageous. They don't shy away from suffering and painful emotions, which gives them the courage to ask difficult questions. But it is Also where they can go down the rabbit hole, right? It's a very familiar thing for them. And a lot of times, if it wasn't understood early on in life, it becomes like home for them. It's how they got attention. So that is the case in my sibling, I believe, where a lot of that comes into play. So getting to know the type 4 enneagram fours value their individualism. So as a result, feelings, self expression and purpose are important to them. Romantic at heart, Enneagram Fours appreciate beauty and creating meaning for themselves and others. At their best, they are sensitive yet content, engaging in the world with equanimity and perspective. When they are in a tough spot, they may feel misunderstood, become melancholy and temperamental in response to an acute awareness of their feelings and flaws. And one of the biggest fears of the Enneagram 4 is abandonment. Right? So that's sometimes why, you know, tapping into that emotional capacity in a not so high functioning way. They will strive sometimes to get attention in any form possible to avoid being abandoned. Right. Squeaky wheel gets the oil. A lot of times the four kind of sits in that pattern. So how you might experience an enneagram 4, they are emotionally fearless, creative, often inspire others to become more in touch with their authentic selves. This is why I absolutely freaking love being in a romantic relationship with A four. Seriously. Because the eight energy that I bring to the table is so intense, it honestly is a bit much for 99% people. But for A4, it doesn't even rattle them. So I love that I can go deep with an enneagram 4 and it doesn't rattle them. Others often experience the less healthy fours as self absorbed, like I said, or or even as drama kings and queens. Since the intensity of A4's emotions can be exhausting. For those who are less attuned to feelings, when an enneagram 4 is depressed, they can bring down those around them. This is why for the more self aware fours, you know, in the self preservation fours, this is when they can totally withdraw, go to the dark side, even ghost. And they might also inspire others to be more open about their fears and feelings. I know, like sharing with fours, they're so non judgmental as well. It's pretty cool. They judge themselves harshly, but nobody else. Their social style, like I said, how they get what they want is by withdrawing. Fours typically seek to get what they want, what they need, and energize themselves by going deep into their feelings and their conflict style. When they don't get what they want, they are very reactive. They can be explosive emotionally. I joke with my guy, if we had met 15 years ago, we probably would be in jail. Because I'm very reactive, too, when I don't get what I want. And fours are too. Fours typically react dramatically to conflict, expressing their strong feelings in an attempt to be heard, seen and understood. So their biggest vulnerability and you know, where they. They feel like envy and like something's missing in them as being ordinary. So it is a lot of times where they use, you know, food or fashion or writing or music or comedy as a way to not be ordinary. What happens, though, sometimes where the vice kicks in of envy is that there's a big difference between envy and jealousy, right? They're not jealous of other people, but that envy, you know, when they start to look outside of their own intuition and genius, they believe something's missing in them, right? And that's when they quit before the miracle happens. So how that vulnerability shows up for A Four is they find their identity and being unique and authentic. This leads them to fear that actually they are rather ordinary, nothing special. And it's like this running loop sometimes. It's why they can switch it up so often. Or if they just stick into it a little bit longer, that's when we see their beauty come to life, where they get fixated. Is that melancholy? Because it does feel like home for them. A feeling of envy and longing for the meaning they believe lies in others. Experiences lead unhealthy fours to think constantly about what they are missing. As a consequence, a lot of times A4 will experience consistent frustration, deep sadness, and feelings of being disconnected and separated from others. Their core motivation tells them it is essential to be unique and to stand out from the crowd. This leads them to compare themselves to others and notice whether other people have something they do not. This comparison inevitably provokes the vice of an Enneagram four of envy, as fulfillment and goodness seem always to be just out of reach, while others seem to have it so much easier and have easier access to it. The Enneagram 4's sense of constant lack is rooted in their image of how things should be or how they are for others. However, this idealized world exists only in their imagination. Enneagram Fours often feel hopeless about finding the ideal or essential thing for themselves. This sense of lack and loss makes them feel sad about themselves. And instead of appreciating their gifts and talents, God, they have so many. They develop an inner longing, which leads to a sense of melancholy. So assuming that who they are fails to measure up to how they Ought to be anything good they take in from others satisfies them only for a short period of time before their yearning returns. This feeds their self image of being someone whose hopes are never realized and who whose desires are never fulfilled, which increases their fear of being abandoned and their envy of others who seem more secure and understood. So you can see how that running loop can feel and be quite torturous for an enneagram 4. So really like letting them be who they are and encouraging them is really important. When you love or lead them and don't try to fix them or always tell them what to do, sometimes they have to figure it out the hard way. But the more that you see, hear or understand an enneagram 4, the more likely they are to lean into your gifts as well. So some of the defenses and triggers for an Enneagram four events become a trigger for the fours if they activate their avoidance or fear of being ordinary. So this brings up a conflict with their need to be original and activates their envy. And this is where the vice and the defense mechanism to self protect really kicks in. The biggest triggers for an enneagram 4 are being ignored or slighted. And as somebody who goes into A five cave, I have to be very mindful of this being in a relationship with A four, because I can trigger, you know, even if he understands what's going on with me, it's very, very real. And vice versa, right? Being asked to do something contrary to their values, you'll get the stubborn four. And this is where, you know, they can be a little aggressive sometimes. An event that elicits their envy if somebody is having success, even though they aren't jealous. But this can kick into comparison for them not receiving credit for their work. Some of the defense mechanisms that afore uses quite often fantasy they are. They go to the fantasy land a lot. That's why their imagination is unmatched. It's why they create beautiful things. It's why they're so romantic. Taking feedback to heart too much and over identifying with the darker aspects of themselves. This is where they go into that. Defining themselves by the losses, the experiences or sadness that they have experienced and unable to let go. And I have to watch this as well because I can be in tactical Tracy mode and can even seem judgmental. So a lot of you, when you're with A four and they go down this rabbit hole, not going into judgment or try to pull them out of it with strategy, definitely not helpful. That fantasy, imagining, inventing deeper meanings and exaggerating experiences in their own mind to create a subjective and dramatic version of the truth that suits their self image better. This is kind of where they go when they're being triggered, the biggest blind spots. And so when you are a four or if you are helping lead, love a four, this is important to understand where they can get tripped up. Since the enneagram 4 wants meaningful relationships, but act in ways that reflect their need to be different, special and separate, they can both pull people close and push them away. It's that anxious and avoidant attachment. It's like the push, pull, like come here, go away thing. Enneagram fours have a blind spot for what is positive or can be appreciated in the current situation. So they can focus on what's missing instead of finding joy in the journey. Sometimes they desire what they do not have and reject what they do have. You know, being in that feeling or heart center of intelligence. You know, they operate in the past a lot of the time, so shame can kick in. So they, they sometimes will avoid the present time and miss the miracles. While fours desire to draw people close, others may experience them as self absorbed. Especially if they are unaware of the extent in which they self reference in conversation, using me and I language. Fours have a blind spot for the fact that others are not as comfortable with emotion as they are leading them to go and continue to go deeper even after others become uncomfortable. I think this is why eights and fours really do understand each other. Because eights don't always understand that people are receiving them so intensely. The fours are like that with emotions. Enneagram fours value originality. Their virtue is equanimity. Equanimity arises when the type 4 sees both their positive and negative qualities in equal measure. An understanding that they're both gifts. As a result, Four stop comparing themselves to others, nullifying that envy and the fundamental belief that what other people have is better. So a lot of times, you know, the wings will be the best friend of an enneagram 4. And honestly, all enneagram types, where they become the best version of themselves is through that supporting cast which are the wings. And so for an Enneagram 4, they have access directly to the Enneagram 3 the Achiever, and Enneagram 5 the Investigator or quiet specialist. So how they grow through using the wings when that four wants to just be lost in emotion and can get tripped up and feel like they're going in circles. That enneagram3 is like, see the goal, hit the goal. See the goal, hit the goal, put the blinders on and just what is the goal? End goal here. So when A4 can harness the power of the Enneagram 3, focus on what the task is at hand, what work needs to be done. See the end vision, the end goal that can help keep the Four from going down that dark hole. And how the Enneagram 4 can use the 5 Wing is, you know, the 5's gift, you know, the investigator is non attachment, very bullet points, matter of fact, very clear boundaries. That is where the 5 and 3 can really bookend the 4. It doesn't take away their emotional capacity, their intuition, the way that they see the world. That is all still going to be very, very true and beautiful for an Enneagram 4. But when the supporting roles of that Enneagram 5 and the Enneagram 3 really nurture the 4 in you or the person that you love or lead, this is where we see the magic happen for an enneagram 4. Now the growing through the lines, we have that release and stretch number. The release is like the growth number. The stretch is the. The stressor number. We can use both for positive and we can use both for negative. But for the Enneagram 4 in that going towards the Enneagram 1, which is their growth or release number, being more structured and objective and practicing discipline, you can see where that can be very challenging for an enneagram 4. Because they want to be original and, and have no restriction on emotions and feelings and having structure and discipline. Sometimes they can feel like they're. They're being basic, right? Actually, when I work with a 4 or when I'm loving a 4, you know, giving them just a few things to have structure around builds their confidence and actually gets them into a more creative flow. So it's, it's how you message that though for them, where they'll either be stubborn and resistant and do the polar opposite. But if. If they really feel like you see them for who they are and you aren't trying to make them basic, they're less resistant to the structure that is needed to build their confidence and bring their gifts to life. Now when a Four is under stress and they feel like they are on the verge of abandonment or like nobody gets them or they're a bit much, it's where we see the dramatic stuff kick in and that squeaky wheel gets the oil and they can pick fights, a lot of times that stretch number is the enneagram 2 for the 4. So they invite others to co create. This is where the neediness or codependency can really kick in. For an enneagram 4. So how a self preservation 4 looks is very different than the stereotypes, the memes, all of it, you know, because the fours are very dramatic in all the making fun of people. But The Self Preservation 4, which is the counter type, which is the one that doesn't look like the others. And each Enneagram type has a counter type, but for the fours, it happens to be the self preservation 4. The Enneagram Fours need to set themselves apart and be appreciated, for their stuffing is expressed differently between all three of these subtypes. So how the Self Preservation four looks very different. This one is typically mistyped a lot of the times. This is the one I'm in a relationship with. Their code name is Tenacity. The counter type. Self preservation 4 sets themselves apart from other fours by being tenacious and goal oriented, actively seeking out what they believe is missing in their lives. They hope to be appreciated for their ability to suffer and struggle without complaining. Where the other Enneagram Fours are more vocal, this one takes it all into internal. It's why they're hard to type. The one on one Enneagram four, they're known as the competitor. The one on one four most visibly strives to set themselves apart by focusing on how different they are, even competing to be the special one. Their suffering is typically expressed as a sense of neediness, that they need more care and attention than others. This is what I believe I was raised with. And finally, the social enneagram 4. They are probably that stereotype. Social fours want to be unique and appreciated for their struggles and suffering. They believe that their suffering is more meaningful than others. Challenges, often sharing their struggles with others in an attempt to attract their own attention. So you can see how all the fours can be very, very different from each other. They bring beauty, beauty, beauty to the world. They really, really do. And being patient and compassionate and just kind of listening more than trying to Talk in an enneagram 4 is the way to their heart and where they will lean into your gifts a little bit more and you are able to access theirs. I know for many of you this might be resonating or you're like, Jesus, I might be before. And if you're not sure, if you've taken online tests and, you know, 65 to 70% of you have taken an online assessment and they're inaccurate. And this tool is the greatest growth tool, the greatest shifting tool. Honestly, next to my faith, it's the number one thing I use in my life. And I want more of you knowing the power and beauty of this tool so that you can do what you are called to do so you can step into your calling and the greatest good in your life. I am still doing Enneagram one on one sessions. I also am coming out with something brand new. It might be released by the time this episode is airing but go to traceeomally.com for information on how you can be typed properly through getting the blueprint that is brand new. Amazing. 95% accuracy and you get a huge huge blueprint. Close to 100 pages of your type, your subtype, your wings, all the things and if you want to dive deeper on how to integrate that in your life, you can do a one on one session with me. 90 minutes. Many have said this is as powerful or more than 10 years of therapy. I am not a therapist, never wanted to be one because too many rules. But therapy is important. I still see my therapist but really understanding myself and diving deeper every single day with this beautiful tool allows me to transform my life and thousands of others that I have had the pleasure and honor of working with. So much faster. You can accelerate your transformation so much faster when you have the right information. When you know how to harness the power and integration of the enneagram. Go to traceyomalley.com the work with me section to find out more. And if you love this episode or if you love or lead a four, share this with them. And especially if you aren't a four, maybe listen again because I guarantee you've got one in your life and when you can see them for who they are, you get to experience the magic of the enneagram 4. As always, I am here to help you become the ultimate leader in your life personally and professionally. I take what I do very seriously and I thank you for spending time, precious time that you don't get back with me. Until next time you guys.

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Malley.

You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.