EP283: {Special Series} What It's Like to Be An Enneagram Six - Heart, Mind, And Soul With Sara Craig- The Loyalist

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Welcome to the Leadership Formula Podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hey.

Hey. Welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And today we're continuing our series on what it's like in the heart, mind and soul of each Enneagram type. And this week is the week for the Enneagram 6, called the Loyal Skeptic. I've often said everyone needs a Power 6 in their life because they keep our butts out of trouble. They really, really do. Especially somebody like me, who can be a little fireball from time to time. Having this master troubleshooter, worst case scenario, thinker in your life can do a lot of good. Now, we all got a little a dark side to us, right? And we're going to dive into all things enneagram6 with one of my favorite favorite sixes that I've ever had the pleasure of working with since Sarah Craig. She is out in Fort Wayne, Indiana, another Midwest girl, and she's a car girl, which I think that was probably what made you start listening. At first you'd heard me on a friend of yours podcast, and then you heard that, you know, I'm a former car girl. I threw some shade at the car industry, which pissed you off, I think, a little bit, in a fun, joking way. But it's a hard business and you've been in it, you grew up in it. And I know that that can bring a lot of elements to the table. But what was cool about my work with Sarah is she was a listener and actually I've worked very, very closely with her, her daughter first, and then the rest of the family individually and then collectively. But what it what started as a graduation present for her daughter has led to a beautiful relationship with you and your entire family over the last year and a half. And I take that so seriously and the responsibility with such heart that you trusted me with the most important things in your life, which are your people and your family. So you guys are in for a treat with Sarah Craig today. Hey.

Hello, Tracy.

Ah, she's super nervous. She's an enneagram 6, so they like to come prepared. So she was studying up on the Enneagram again, even though she doesn't need to. You know, what's cool about you is, you know, your daughter, your oldest child. So we've got a blended family situation, which is amazing. She's divorced and remarried. She brought two to the table. He brought two to the table. And this beautiful family. There's four, two, four six people in the family and six different Enneagram types within the family. But your daughter Christina, the oldest, is now away at college. She's the enneagram3 representation in the household. And I've never met somebody so knowledgeable on the Enneagram. Was she the one that introduced it to you to begin with?

She absolutely was. I can't remember where she started learning about it, but she fell in love with the Enneagram and thought it was so cool. And then she brought it to me, and I thought, oh, that sounds kind of neat. And then a good friend of mine who's a psychologist asked me if I was familiar with the enigram, and I said, well, my daughter's starting to look at it, and it sounds really interesting. And she was doing a workshop at a local yoga studio with a friend of hers, and we took the tests through that, Christina and I, and did the little workshop, and that's how we got started.

Did your test. Because, you know, we've talked a lot about, you know, the online assessments or the assessments that are available to most of us are inaccurate quite a bit. Christina's was accurate. Was yours accurate?

It sure was.

And the second and thirds were three and nine. I don't know which order, but I actually peaked at that today.

Interesting. So it's rare that the top three in any of the assessments are, like, in line with either your wings or lines. Yours were right on with that. So you do the workshop. You and Christina do it. Then what happens next in your family? Because it's one thing to have the information, but did you know what to do with it?

I didn't really know what to do with it. I started listening to your podcast, and I thought that working with you would be an amazing idea. And I thought, man, this would really help. My daughter, Christina, she is such an achiever, but she sometimes she's her worst enemy with just beating herself up and having to only focus on the goals. And high school for her was just about Achieving goals and just not enough fun. And I thought, you know, maybe she could learn more about herself and this would be a great start. So I contacted you and she started working with you. And it was a little graduation present and it was amazing. Really good for her. And I think the main thing that was so good is she started learning about the others in the family and what made all of us tick. We all hadn't been tested yet, but just how to deal with certain relationships just really helped so much.

She's one of my all time favorite clients. It was so powerful to see her, you know, before she went off to college and now she just went to her second year at Duke. It's so crazy to see the growth in her. But for Enneagram Sixes, safety, certainty, security, belonging is kind of the motivational motivation behind the enneagram6 and being safe and prepared. And when you have a very big family owned business that you know, it's been your history and it's your legacy. Plus a blended family with four very different children and a and a husband that's very different than you, how do you go about being prepared, knowing that you're a six, dealing with all the different people in your life, personally and professionally, would you say?

Well, it's honestly hard to be prepared.

Which is like the biggest fear of an enneagram 6.

Right. I was watching our family session and you were talking about one of the biggest fears is being blindsided. And sorry, but with four teenagers, you cannot avoid being blindsided.

Correct.

But you can kind of control the chaos by, I think, understanding where everybody's coming from. I asked a lot of questions.

That's the six. That's the big tell on a six.

Yes.

They need to know everything and all the details that go with it. And your two children, Christina, she's a three, and your son is a very feisty eight. You know, so you have two very aggressive, assertive personality children and you're more compliant. So how does that play out, knowing this and knowing your six part of you, like, how do you navigate so that, you know, Christina and Christian can Both receive your 6 energy without blowing you off?

Well, you have to be very careful and sometimes you just have to warn them. Like, I'm going to ask a lot of questions and it's not because I don't trust you. I just need to know. Yeah, and you don't want to make Christians feel like you don't trust him.

Or that he's weak and doesn't have.

Things handy.

And you don't Want to ask so many questions that you get into Christina's way. She just wants to go for it.

Right.

But they've come to understand me that I'm. I'm doing it out of love and to protect them, keep them out of trouble.

Yeah.

So I used to ask them, you know, check in, check out. And they used to, oh, why? Why would you want. Why do you need that? You know, don't you trust me? You know, I'm an independent.

Yeah.

Teenager now. And now they do without worry, you.

Know, And I think because they know you're come from that it's coming from that loving place and that them knowing that you need some certainty and they care about you, they're more offering that up a lot faster, I'm sure.

Or Christina. I think this is interesting. A lot of parents are probably who have. Teenagers are familiar with Life360. It's.

Yeah.

An app that helps you track your family and everybody's on it. And when she turned 18 and went to college, I said, you know, hey, if you want to turn that off, I don't have any problem with that. It's. I get it. And she said, well, it's sort of fun watching where everybody is and everything. And I think she kind of just stayed on it for me.

Oh, I love her. I love her so much. I have a lot of blended families that listen in and, you know, as a six and, you know, you have two daughters by marriage as well on top of your two that, you know, I've experienced a lot in their life. And as a six, needing to know a lot of things and a lot of the information. When you have children that you are bringing into your home and in your family, where do you find that fine line in your need as a six to know all the things to having healthy boundaries with the girls, I feel.

Like their dad and I really have communication on how to handle that. And the girls do definitely have their boundaries. And it has helped me immensely to understand them more by knowing, you know, one's a seven and has this anything's possible view and kind of goes from one thing to the next. And I just never understood you and.

Me both, what that was even about. I know I got one of them too, so I get it.

And then I have another one of yours is a two and, you know, self preservation two.

Yeah.

She looks at the world very differently from me too. But having an ability to understand them also helps you determine where those boundaries are.

Absolutely. You're married to a nine, and that can be amazing. Because he'll let you take the wheel. Right. Like that easygoing nature is what's so beautiful about him. Right. And it's just calm when you're feeling chaotic. Like that's so welcomed. And I know that sometimes though that six in you needs more information and they aren't always willing to put it all out there for their own reasons. Right. How have you learned understanding your sixness? Like how to get more out of him in a way. In a way that like honors the marriage and honors your partnership without feeling like you're like cracking boundaries and. And being overbearing sometimes with your questioning.

Well, hint will not in words but in actions tell you when you're overstepping the boundaries.

Yeah. That passive aggressive, beautiful 9 degree stubbornness.

Yeah. Procrastinating, selective hearing. Yes. Yeah.

Isn't it great?

So, yeah.

Communications way we pretty good about candidly talking to each other about. Yeah. You know, our needs and what it takes.

So one of the things as a six, you and I have talked at length about it, you know, in our many, many hours together at this point that sometimes like that six tool, like that's your default and that's where you automatically go. But it isn't always the right tool for the job. Right. And sometimes we need these support tools. So as an Enneagram 6, you have the ability to use that 5 wing or the 7 wing. And you know how I feel about them. We should be using both of them. Not just like leaning heav one way or the other. Obviously you tend to lean probably easier into the five than the seven. Right. But how do you use your wings, would you say personally and professionally when the 6 isn't maybe like the full package that you need? How do you lean into the five.

First, would you say, with the five kind of researching problems? You know, I'm considered a master troubleshooter by nature as a six, but really going into the details and getting with my managers who have expertise and the different specific departments that they run and proving by research that some of the visions and dreams that you do with your seven wing are actually possible.

Yeah. I love when the six can kind of think outside of strategy sometimes and go into that visionary, visionary energy and visionary spirit. But like a good six, like we need details, we need a plan and we need like expertise in how to make that happen. Love it. How have you used your wings in not so healthy ways, would you say?

I suppose the five wings just getting caught up into details and second guessing my instincts. Like, oh, well, I, I researched that, but I better double check my math again and again. And you just get spun out by concentrating on details that aren't necessarily relevant for what you're even.

It can almost be cheering on your anxiety, like, okay, let's go down the rabbit hole of fear and anxiety.

Well, that's true.

And now we got proof.

Right? Right.

What about your seven wing?

Seven wing? I suppose I don't see you doing.

This as much, but I can see where it can come into play with so many moving parts in your life.

Yeah. You know, you. You're trying to set out a vision and a dream and maybe not having enough faith and trust that you can do it.

Yeah.

And it can kind of ignore the unhealthy piece of my 7 that I just am paralyzed by my 6.

Yeah. It's almost like the 6 is going to overrule the dreaming. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. But sometimes the 7 Wing can have us. I don't see you doing it so much like avoiding confronting issues. You don't seem to have a problem getting to it. You might dance around it a little bit, but you usually will go, I.

Don'T love confrontation though, either.

True.

So I can see that.

So leading a big organization, you have two big car dealers. Car dealerships out in Indiana, which.

One big and one little.

One big and one little. Still a huge undertaking and a lot of energy. And, you know, I know the. The car industry and. And the energy that comes with that. And it's male dominated. Typically.

Yes.

And here you roll in as the powerhouse woman of the Midwest handling that. How do you move through that where you don't get pushed around, but you come to the table prepared to. Not just on paper prepared, but you come emotionally and energetically prepared, like a true six, to deal with all the different kind of personalities that come in the car industry. How do you manage that?

Well, I think, first of all, I've been around this business working since I was 16 years old, and then in between going off to college and graduate school. So over time, I've earned the respect of the different people within our organization who have been very key to our success. But also, when we get together, they say sixes are the glue that holds a team together.

They are.

I can sit down and troubleshoot and give people direction and help lead these people toward our goals, toward our vision. But then I really let them do their things because they're all so good. I don't need to be the biggest ego or take all the credit for what. What everyone's doing. They're just all so wonderful. And we have a core value of respect, and I think our people live that, and they don't really care whether I'm a woman, a man, whatever, because we're all trying to perpetuate the legacy of my dad and the business that he started and then improve it and grow and do really good things in our community.

Sixes absolutely are the glue. The best collaborators, I think the best. They can be the best leaders when they get out of their own way. So one of the things that, you know, the wings are, like, evolutionary in our growth, but the lines are revolutionary in our growth, and the wings help us get to those spaces. So the lines that are connected to the six are the nine and the three, which ironically happen to fall in your household. Right. So where we tend to, like, lean towards for growth for the six is that nine, that faith, that bigger picture where you can see where a six can get so caught up in details and being prepared that it's hard sometimes to go on faith without all the information. Right.

That's true.

But when you do that, magic happens, but it's really hard to get.

There it is. Do you think?

So, your husband being a 9, does that tend to help you lean into it more or make you resist it.

More.

Or does it trigger you or does it help grow you?

Well, the healthy pieces of nine inspire me.

Yeah.

You know, being that peacemaker and collaborative and taking everybody's ideas to heart and trying to make a better piece out of many people's ideas and just mine.

In your household, too.

Yes. Yeah, we. We said at the end of that recording that understanding each other helps us have each other's backs, and it's also helps us have more fun together.

Totally.

So you can equate that with business. It can be so much more fun if we're all gathered and going for the same thing, using a diversity of ideas to come up with something great.

Do you ever notice? Because, you know, with that growth number, it is probably the biggest stretch for us to do. It's not a natural move and never will be for you to just be like, go on, fit faith, and, like, you know, just go for it. Like, it's a muscle that you have to build, and it'll always be, like, a stretch for you to get there. Before knowing this framework of the Enneagram, did you ever notice, like, if you look back where you were on the verge of leaning into a healthy nine before you knew what to call it, but then you yank it back and either Sabotage or go back to an old pattern.

Well, I don't know.

Yeah, well, because you probably went into default. Like just looking back on my life, I can see where when I was leaning into my growth number, like it felt so weak to me or so like oh. That I would just judge it and then shut it down. Now knowing what I know, it's like, oh, that means I need to lean in even more instead of bailing out.

Yeah. And looking back at some of the work we did, I am just so six dependent. Yeah. I don't use my wings enough and I probably don't use my growth numbers enough, but I sure know how to be a six.

Yeah. That's the thing for those that are just learning about their enneagram type. And usually what I'll tell people is like, I don't even want you studying your type necessarily because you already do that by default. Subconsciously. You don't have to think about it. It's who you are. But learning how to best support yourself and your self awareness comes in the wings and the lines, like that's where all the magic happens is really understanding how and when to use those for your greatest good. When your default type wants to just take over and be safe. Right. Safe isn't necessarily where we grow.

Right.

And it's not where we build intimate connections with those that we love, those that we lead. So your more stressor number when all your sixes six ways aren't cutting it, you can kick into overdrive into the three zone. Ironically, that's your daughter Christina. And do you notice when she's, you know, when she's in that pattern of like, you know, focus on the goal line, goal line, goal line, goal line. And bulldozes through life and blinders on and will burn herself out, burn out relationships, whatever she does. Do you ever see that? No. You when you've been pushed to the edge.

Yes, it's when I take on too much try. I just spin out and you know, tasks, tasks, tasks, check them off, get the goal. And then it's exhausting.

Well, and then what it does to the 6 is creates more like, did I miss something? Did I miss something? Did I miss something? Did I miss something? And then you can't sleep.

Well, that's true too.

Right, right. Do you notice when you're in that frantic energy, do you start to try to micromanage people around you as well because you feel like maybe you're missing something?

Yes, probably.

Yeah, I do. It's crazy. It's crazy when we get into this. So as a six, what would the people that love you, Whether it's friends, family, even co workers, what would they say is the best part about having you in their life in your own six ways? What's the best part about you?

That I care so much and always have their backs and keep them out of trouble.

Yeah. How would you say is the best way you have people's back?

Well, when I'm. I'm always planning things and, you know, I have a plan and a backup plan, and.

A lot of it revolves around, you know, my family's safety and security and making them all feel loved. I think that that's how I have their backs.

What would they all tell me is the hardest part about you in their life? The stuff that challenges them in those relationships?

Overprotective.

Yeah. Yeah, I can see that.

I was always the mom who got your helmet on, got your life jacket on. Make sure I know when you're going to be back.

So for you to tell Christina she can take off the 360, that is a huge, huge thing for a six, especially when she's in another state a few states away. Like, that's a huge deal.

I trust her. She's an amazing kid, and she's in a place that I'm so familiar with. That's where I went to college as well. So it feels a little bit like I sent her to another home.

Yeah. What's your favorite thing about being a six?

My favorite thing is solving really difficult problems or putting together a very intricate plan that also has backup plans. And it just all works out like the best is I'll wake up and I say, I've got it. If we do this, this, this and this, and use this person and that person for. For those things, use those talents, then we'll have it all figured out. And that's very satisfying.

I bet. I can't imagine.

I just bulldoze.

What is the thing that drives you crazy about being a six?

Worrying.

Yeah.

It's awful to worry about your family or what's the future going to bring for our industry or a million different things, but particularly, you know, the family members. They are just so dear to me, and worrying about them is not fun.

No.

And sometimes.

When I do that, I beat myself up and say, you know, gosh, you must not have very strong faith. That's really the nine.

The nine is that faith.

That's a hard thing to think about because my faith is so important to me that worrying is not what I should be doing.

Where has the worrying blocked. Maybe some blessings in your life.

Gosh.

Or made you not enjoy something as much as you could have because of the preoccupation of all the what ifs.

Well, I'll give an example. If I'm out of town or at my lake cottage enjoying something, and I know that the kids are involved in certain things. Who are they getting a ride with? Who are they? That I'm not enjoying the moment where I am.

Yeah, I think that's 100% in general.

The downfall.

When. When the kids were younger, would you be so in planning mode, like, for whether it was a vacation or whatever, that it was all about, like, the plan that once you got to the event, the vacation, that it was almost like, wow, I didn't enjoy that as much because it was all about that. Are you ever faced with the planning part of it where you don't even enjoy the experience?

Not really. I've learned to enjoy. That's good. But I really work hard planning.

I know you guys love it. You guys love it. I love having sixes in my life that love to plan because, you know, there are certain things that I'm particular about, but I love you pick. I seriously know that you've planned it out. Check the boxes. Like, I am positive, like, it'll be a right decision. And sixes do love that.

So. Yeah. I've even made two different airline bookings for the same day because.

Well, this airline doesn't have a very good record. So if it gets canceled, I don't want to be stuck there. So I gotta.

That is the most 6ish thing I've ever heard in my life, isn't it? I love it. I would never do that, ever.

I've done it. Oh, my God.

I'm gonna roll the dice. So a lot of people that are listening right now aren't sixes, because I've told them, like, let's listen to the ones that aren't you. So as a six, for somebody that loves a six or leads a six or is parenting a six or married to a six, what is the best way and the way that you feel most supported? Because it doesn't matter. Like, if I start to support you in ways that I would want to be supported, that wouldn't work so well for you. So for those listening right now who care about a six, what's the best way that you feel supported?

Well, I think respecting my need for certainty is the main thing. And then helping me have peace so that I can have the faith to not have to Worry? Yeah.

There's nothing worse to a six than rushing. They're questioning or telling them not to worry about it. Right. Because you're going to worry about it.

Right.

And the more that you brush off a six and tell them not to worry about it, they're going to trust you a hell of a lot less. And actually, they will have more questions then. Right.

Right.

What would you say is, like, the. The best love language that makes your heart happy as a six, aside from, like, your need for certainty?

I think when my kids tell me, mom, you were just so great, and I. And that they appreciate all the. The planning and not necessarily necessarily worrying, but the. The intense love and hoops I jumped through in my head to make sure everything's great for them. And then also the same thing, you know, appreciation from Mike about the same things that he understands what I go through to make things really great for our family.

You know, I've worked one on one with every member of your family, all six of you I've worked with extensively, and every single one of them have told me that you are the grounding rock of the family and that you are the safe place for every single member of your family to fall, to just be who they are, to make mistakes, even when you're worrying. Like, you really have that beautiful capacity to be that grounded force in your family. And I know in your business as well, it's why you've had the success and legacy that you've had. Do you feel like that most days that you are grounded, or are you just faking it? I don't think you're faking it.

I do. I. I feel like I'm the one that they all turn to and rely on within the household.

Yeah. When a six is in a good spot, you really give us all courage. And you champion like nobody else because you really do. Like, you don't need to be the center of attention. You love to be a supporting role. And for, you know, you've got a team in your household, a few of them at least, that really like to, you know, charge into things, and having you in their corner makes them all that much better. Seriously, working with you and your family has been one of my greatest joys in this journey with the Enneagram. If you're talking to another six that's listening right now, who is stuck in worry, what would be some advice you would give them to help snap out of it?

I would say trust your instincts, and you don't really need to worry because you can. You can plan and you can troubleshoot. And then if you have a plan set in place, then you don't really need to worry so much.

Yeah, just.

And use your family members and your close friends who are not Sixes and try to take some advice and help and use their qualities that are wonderful to help ground you.

Absolutely. If I was left to my own eight ways, this looks a hell of a lot different. I think that that's beautiful advice because I learned most from the people that are different than me. You know, when we kind of like humble ourselves enough to receive from others, we become more well rounded. And the whole gift of the Enneagram is to become like all nine types in some way or form along the way in our journey. You guys, if you are looking for a car in the Midwest, head out to Fort Wayne, Indiana and what's the name of your dealership?

Donair's Honda and Donair's Acura.

Both great cars. Love their cars. She will take care of me.

I'm teased about this that I don't. Didn't. I'm not selling something online, so. So I said, well, I am.

Yes, cars and.

Right.

Let me tell you, there's a lot of shady people in the car business. I only go to one person in Arizona, but not in Fort Wayne, Indiana. You go to her. Go to her. I'm telling you, I love her and I love her people. Sarah, I love you. Thank you so much for pouring so much into not just your family, but being willing to share. I know you were really nervous. You did not necessarily want to do this, but you did it anyway. Final thoughts to anybody listening.

Well, I love you too and I so appreciate all you've done for the various members of my family. I know Christina is very grateful for all you've done and I've noticed just so much growth in Christian and you guys are kindred spirits in your one on one eights and that's been amazing to watch him grow. And thank you for the opportunity. Yes, it was scary because I don't like to get blindsided or have a question that I can't answer, but it was a wonderful experience and I appreciate it.

Well, I appreciate you going with it and trusting it and really pouring. Pouring in to those that are Sixes. There's nobody else that I would ever want to represent the Sixes but you. You're. You're solid, you're beautiful and I'm honored to be on this journey with you. You guys, if you want to learn more about your own Enneagram type, you can go to Tracy O' Malley.com the work with me section. And if you want to inquire about family work, I've done the full scope with her family, from one on ones with every member to a whole group facilitation to continuous work with each member too. You can learn more about that@tracyomalley.com the work with me section. Sarah, I appreciate you. Thank you for coming on, you guys. Until next time, here's to becoming the ultimate leader in your life.

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SA.