EP286: Being an Enneagram Eight - The Good, Beautiful, Hard, and Ugly of the Challenger

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Welcome to the Leadership Formula Podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula Podcast. And we are continuing our series on the heart, the soul, the mind of each Enneagram type. And today we land. This week, we land in the land of the enneagram 8, which if you are a loyal listener, you know that is what yours truly is. The Enneagram Eights are something else. We are a lot of energy and often misunderstood. And a lot of times we like it that way, especially when we're not at our healthiest. It's kind of a power play. So we're going to dive into all the things about the enneagram 8, and later this week you will hear me interview somebody that is an enneagram 8. So I find that this really is helpful for those that aren't the type that we're talking about to learn more, because chances are you are in relationship of some sort, whether personal or professional, with somebody that is one of these Enneagram types. And honestly, learning about the other Enneagram types that weren't mine really, really helped me have more compassion and be more effective in any kind of way, whether as a leader, a parent, a lover, a friend, anything, a coach even. So it's really also cool because when you hear about the other types, you know you have four other types connected to you, whether it's in the, you know, the lines or the wings. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, definitely go back and research. In the episodes that I've done, I've done almost 300 episodes, which is so crazy to me, to learn more about the framework of your Enneagram type. So that's why it is really, really cool. And when you coach one on one with me, I really, really focus on the lines and the wings because they are the superpowers that help you be and embody the best version of your Enneagram type. It doesn't mean that that's ever going to change. But we operate in our Enneagram type by default. We know it like the back of our hand, so having these other tools are super helpful. But today we are going to dive all in about the Enneagram 8. And if you aren't sure what your Enneagram type is, or if you've taken one of those online assessments, just know that those are inaccurate about to 70% of the time. So if you're going to go on that discovery process, please take your time with it or I'm happy to announce I have now been able to provide you something that you will be accurately typed without sitting down one on one with me. And not only that, when you go through my typing process, you will get a 75 page blueprint all about the things I talk about, like the lines, the wings, your growth, your blind spots, the vice, the virtue, all the juicy parts and integration tools on how to take this beautiful information, integrate it and create transformation in your life. You can go to traceyomally.com the work with me section. Now you can see my new website that I'm actually not ashamed of. It still has a little work to be done on it, but it is much better, a lot easier. But go to the Work With Me section or it's even on the homepage, the Enneagram blueprint where you can be accurately typed and you will have this blueprint for the rest of your life. It's powerful stuff and I'm very, very proud of what I'm able to bring all of you so that you can really accelerate transformation in your life. Now the enneagram 8 is known as the Active Controller, sometimes called the Challenger. They are motivated by this, this need to be in control and to be strong. Their black and white thinking comes in the area of weak versus strong. You know, where like the Enneagra one is good or bad, the three is like the best or the worst, you know. And all the other enneagram types has one area of black and white thinking. The Enneagram 8. We compartmentalize everything into weak or strong. Some key words to Describe The Enneagram 8 are strong. They take charge, decisive, self assured, confrontational, very frank, magnetic and power oriented. And that is very true. When I was learning about the enneagram8, I was at the lowest part of my life and I saw things like domineering and aggressive. I was like shit. Yep, yep. Some of the qualities in the Enneagram 8, the challenger. The Enneagram 8 is honestly one of the most mistyped on the Enneagram as well, because the behaviors seem so obvious that a lot of people think they're innate and they're actually not. It is all based on motive, not behaviors. It's why those online assessments really are not the best way to figure it out, at least right away. So the qualities are that they're very assertive, confident and direct. Eights are comfortable saying what they need to say and getting on with things. The greatest gift of the Enneagram 8 is their decisiveness. They trust their gut and are quick to respond. And they're willing to make decisions to move things forward. Very protective. When you are loved by an enneagram8, they'll take a bullet for you because they are big hearted and they protect the people and things that they care about and they fight against injustice. They're very independent. Autonomy is very important to an 8. They are self sufficient and dislike being dependent on others. And they're very influential. They have their own way of taking charge and influencing others, including within large organizations. Now, these same beautiful qualities and their superpowers are also their kryptonite. So they're the superpowers. Each Enneagram type has them. And they're only superpowers when we're in a place of love, compassion, empathy, service and grace. These same things, the assertiveness, the decisiveness, the protectiveness, the independence and the influence. Those can be like a wrecking ball or kryptonite in an enneagram 8's life. And they were for mine for a long, long time when I was in a place of fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt, and especially ego. Honestly, I don't know if there's a bigger ego on the Enneagram than that of the Enneagram 8. So getting to know an Enneagram 8. They value control and power. They love challenges and embody a need for justice, which enables them to protect others. At their best, an enneagram 8 is very empowering and encouraging, self aware and open to collaboration with the world around them, they are able to be vulnerable. It's still their biggest fear is vulnerability, because that's where they can be betrayed or violated. And at their worst, they may be very domineering, aggressive and unstoppable, driven by their need to express themselves as larger than life in a world they perceive as threatening. So how you might experience innate, and this for me was the biggest aha moment. And you know, for all the Enneagram types, you know, I think we often want to be right or be heard and seen and understood. But in order for that to happen, we have to kind of lower the armor a little bit and understand how others might experience us. Because for them to receive our messaging and our delivery of that message, we need to be really cognizant of how others might receive you. This was the biggest aha for me in my growth and the acceleration of my transformation over 10 years ago when I was learning about this, recognizing that my kids who aren't Enneagram eights might experience me. So the Enneagram Eights, strength and certainty tend to receive a mixed response from others. On one hand, eights are intense and demanding and may seem controlling, pushy, insensitive. I've been called all of those things in my life, which frequently provokes defensive reactions in others. However, I will say eights are also often seen as a safe harbor during a storm. People who know what needs to be done and how it needs to be done and who are protective of their people. Eights have enthusiasm, confidence, and passion. A passionate nature often attract others to follow their lead. This is why that influence can be dangerous if their motives aren't necessarily a pure. So you can probably guess that the social style of an Enneagram 8 is more in the assertive stance with the Enneagram 3 and the 7. This is how they get what they want. So eights are typically energized by challenges, pushing against any obstacles to get what they want. I've said before, eights eat intensity for breakfast. Their conflict style, when they don't get what they want, they are very reactive. And I've had to learn I'm not perfect. I'm still more reactive than withdrawn. But eights typically react in bold and confrontational ways, seeking control and sometimes vengeance. Yeah, the biggest vulnerability for an enneagram 8 is being vulnerable. And the vice is lust. Right. And not necessarily the sexual way, but that too. It's that intensity. So being vulnerable, Enneagram Eights avoid being vulnerable, needing to feel strong rather than helpless or powerless, and to avoid being controlled by others. And this is. This is where it gets really tricky for an enneagram 8 because they crave connection and intimacy so desperately. It's where that vice and vulnerability really are competing with each other because we are sensitive. Eights definitely want that. But if there isn't this vulnerability exchange, really, people never get that close to an eight. It's because they're afraid of putting down the walls and letting people be there for them because most of their Lives, they've had to take care of things. Okay, so where that vice can come into play, this is kind of where that protection comes into play for an enneagram 8. That that tough, no nonsense approach combines with the 8's grab all you can attitude to feel their vice of lust. That lust ensures that they do everything in excess, often going to extremes and eng in life with life as a constant conquest. And this is how they feel strong, right? It's why sometimes eights will stir the pot just to feel alive or to feel like they have power. I. I have caught myself that when I'm feeling weak in one area of my life, I can even start to provoke in other areas of my life. And I'm catching it more and more. It's so subconscious. Like I said, you know, for each Enneagram type, whatever you are, you operate in default a lot of the times. But having awareness, acknowledging where this is rooted, and then taking beautiful action moving forward, this is where you can create a lot less turbulence in your life, whether you're an 8 or not. The appetite of an 8 seems endless, insatiable, huge and primitive. As an 8 is driven to satisfy their hungers. The term lust should be interpreted broadly and could include physical well being, pleasure, sustenance, shelter, and power or influence. There is a sense that Eights are compelled by their desires, that rather than a sense of wanting things, they experience an inner emptiness and a driving need to fill it. Seeming to lack restraints, restraint, Eights frequently overindulge, gratifying their desires irrespective of their consequences to others or themselves. In particular, Eights can struggle to self limit, feeling overwhelmed by their lust at times. Wanting what they want and wanting it now, they become a slave to their desires. Enneagram eights have a powerful, capable essence and are clear about their own truth and sense of what is just, which can create even more possessive, demanding behaviors at times. And you know, it's. You know, I've got 10 years of sobriety, and just because I took away a substance that I leaned into, I was still left with a lot of these traits. And I've had to work really hard on not stirring the pot and creating chaos in my life just to feel strong and alive. So where their fixation gets. And this is another area I've had to work on, the fixation when things aren't going their way is vengeance. Being acutely aware. And this is why also this behavior is why a lot of you have been mistyped as Eights. Being acutely aware of the injustices in the world. And fearing being weak and vulnerable leads the unhealthy Eight to be highly sensitive to unfair actions or thoughts directed at them or others. And this results in their seeking revenge through anger and intimidation as a means to rebalance those wrongs. There was a time in my life, man, where that was running hard and heavy. Events become a trigger for Enneagram Eights if they activate their avoidance or fear of being vulnerable and weak. This can bring up a conflict with their need to feel able and powerful and therefore activates their vice and defense mechanism to self protect. So some of the triggers of an enneagram 8 if you are an 8 or if you love or lead one being controlled, we're blindsided. Even though we do like a blind side in some ways because it can make us feel strong. Because we tend to operate well when our back is up against the wall. But if it's blindsided with something that we saw as vulnerable, forget about it. When others aren't being direct, can't stand it. Others underestimating our strength. That's why when I get questioned, I can take that as if I'm not aware. I can take it as disrespect, like you don't think I'm strong. And that can. You can get a little spicier side of an 8 if you kind of imply that even if you just have questions injustice. So the defense Mechanism of the Enneagram 8 is denial. Eights are likely to deny any suggestion of their weaknesses and deny any hurt or vulnerable feelings that they may have. For example, an 8 might insist that they have it all under control and will fix it and may become aggressive and stubborn if they are challenged on this. It's sometimes when they'll fill their plate too much much. And because they don't want to be perceived as weak, this is when this can can happen. So some of the blind spots of the enneagram 8 is their energy absolutely may be stronger than they realize. This can lead them to not recognizing how intimidating they seem to others, even when they're trying not to be. And there was a time in my life that I actually got off on this when I was not. This is about 14 years ago. I was really like, I got off. I'm being intimidated. And it was not a good look for me. But because I was feeling weak in another area of my life, I was overcompensating in some interpersonal relationships professionally. Another blind spot for an Eight is they may have a double standard for control. Resisting rules or attempts to control them. Yet they may feel entitled to take control and insist that others follow their direction. Even though eights work hard to hide their vulnerability, they may expose more than they realize, especially in moments of reflection or when anticipating future challenges. Being more open with others gives them control over the impact of this and moving towards conclusions and action swiftly and decisively. Eights have a blind spot for the pace and needs of others, which may leave other people feeling unprepared, unsafe or underappreciated. I've had to watch that one too. We value capacity and the virtue of the Enneagram 8 is innocence type eights value strength, having a sense of control and being direct and impactful. And if you understand that for an eight, you know they're measuring everything. Weak versus strong. That's their measuring stick. So having capacity, walking your talk, big deal. For an Enneagram 8, that virtue of innocence. When eights move into that innocence, they become more open hearted in a state of innocence. They appreciate and experience the nuances of life without judgment or jaded expectations. And this can neutralize their drive for excess and intense experience. And I will tell you for any of the Enneagram types, you can't get to that virtue of your type without the wings and the lines. It's really, really important. So the wings of the Enneagram 8, which honestly save my ass on the daily 100% because if I'm just operating in my default 8, I am like a wrecking ball through people, places and things. And just like any other Enneagram type, the wings are what bookend you and help push you towards your growth number. So how does the seven help us? They because the eight likes to be in control and in in charge. That seven wing allows us to lighten up. Freedom of choices. This allows the the eight, the seven wing balance the urgency to act with planning and and perspective instead of doing things alone, connecting with other people and exchanging ideas. It's why I'm surrounded by sevens. Not only am I raising a seven, but some of my closest, closest people in my life are sevens because they really embody this for me. Access more happiness and fun, to move through life lightly and less ruthlessly. And there's something about the Enneagram 7, the enthusiastic visionary that allow the 8 to tap into that innocence and that playfulness that honestly for an 8 probably was chipped away a long time ago. Now the nine wing is seriously what allows me to be an amazing mom, an amazing coach, a better partner to people, a good friend. Because with that eight, like taking charge Part of us. The nine allows us to combine strength and kindness. The ability to care deeply but challenge directly with the right intent behind it. So the Nine wing helps an Eight balance impulsiveness with a more laid back approach. Leaning into the nine may make the eight calmer and more receptive to others. The nine wing also helps an eight develop the willingness to let things happen and unfold naturally. It also allows an 8 to tap into a sense of unity, to balance autonomy and also the nine wing. Because it is like the divine type. Honestly, on the Enneagram we see the bigger picture of things. And I know for, for me when I. I use my nine wing in almost every circumstance. Like because the eight in me is so reactive. And I know that even though my message might be a hundred percent bang on, the delivery of it is what's really, really important. And the nine wing allows me to deliver even the hardest conversations and the hardest messages with the most beautiful intent. Is it always received that way? That is a big hell no. But you know, I am very aware that when my intent is coming from the most pure of places, that is all that I can control. So now we have the subtypes, the instinctual responses to life. And this can change how each Enneagram type is expressed. This is the number one reason why so many of you are mistyped. Because these are our animal drives and these operate in all of us. But usually one is dominant in each individual. And when the powerful biological drive that is dominant in us, when it's put into service or the passion of our type, it fuels a more specific expression of that personality which can result in a more nuanced character, which is our subtype of our main personality type. So we have the self preservation instinct which focuses attention on and shapes behavior around issues related to survival, safety, material security, including having enough resources, avoiding danger, maintaining a basic sense of structure and well being. So that's the self preservation instinct for the the one on one or sexual instinct they focus attention on. And our behavior is shaped around issues related to the quality and status of relationships with specific individuals. Sometimes, like I've said, this is referred to as the one on one instinct. It generally directs energy toward the achievement, maintenance of connections, interpersonal attraction and and bonding. So this instinct seeks a sense of well being through one on one connections. This is where I fall. And that connections with people in terms of whatever that means for a person of specific type, it doesn't just mean like your romantic partner, it's all relationships. And then the social instinct focuses attention on and Shapes behavior around issues related to belonging, recognition and relationships in social groups. So the self preservation is me, the one on one is us, and the social instinct is the we. It drives the social types. It drives them to get along with the herd, the family, community, the world, the groups we belong to. And this instinct also relates to how much power or standing one has relative to the other members of the group. So you can see where you know. Depending on your instinct, this can change drastically how an Enneagram type is expressed. And with my typing process, if you go to traceyomalley.com the work with me section, I break down your subtype and your instinct and and why. A lot of times when people come to me for typing, even if they think they know their type, they realize why they were mistyped. So for the eight, the subtypes of the eight, we have the self preservation eight. The key word is satisfaction for them. So self preservation eights express the passion of lust through a focus on getting what they need for survival. Self pres eights have a strong desire for the timely satisfaction of material needs and an intolerance for frustration. The Self Preservation 8 knows how to survive in difficult situations and feel omnipotent when it comes to getting what they need. They are the least expressive and the most armed of the three eight subtypes. The one on one eight, Their keyword, otherwise known as the sexual eight is possession. This is where I fall. So the one on one eights express lust through rebellion and the need to possess everyone's attention. The one on one eights are intense, charismatic characters who want to have control and influence instead of seeking material security. How they find power over things and people is where they they fuel that lust. The name possession refers to an energetic takeover of the whole scene. A need to feel power dominating the whole environment. The 1 on 18 is the most intense energy on all the enneagram types. Like all 27, the 1 on 18 is the most intense. Makes a lot of sense when I understood this. And finally, the social eight, the keyword there is solidarity. And this is the counter type within the eight family of subtypes. So within each enneagram type, there's one that is called the counter type. And this is the one that kind of doesn't fit all the norms of each Enneagram Type. And the Social 8 is the counter type within the 8 subType family. So social eights express lust and aggression in the service of others. A lot of times a social eight can be mistyped as a two or four. Sometimes Even a six, a social, antisocial person. This is the counter type of the Eights, a helpful eight who appears less aggressive and more loyal than the other two eight subtypes. The name Solidarity emphasizes their tendency to offer help when people need protection. So you can, you can guess that like the the enneagram 8 is a lot for sure. We, we certainly are a lot. But we are somebody that you want in your corner, especially a healthy one. We are the boss in a lot of ways and we want everyone, everyone to feel strength and power. We don't necessarily, you know, have to have all the control, but we won't be controlled. And we want to champion you to do the same. And with our big energy, which I know can be a lot sometimes, we're worth it. We're worth the work. We can be excessive, we can be impulsive, but we are generous and we are protective and we are natural leaders. But we have a blind spot. So tell us the truth. Walk your talk and you will be able to see a little bit more of that as you lean into them again. I know that we are almost done with this series and later in the week I will be interviewing a beautiful, beautiful client of mine who is an enneagram 8. She's a powerful lawyer, mom, wife, all the things check into that. And like I said, if you aren't sure where your Enneagram type lies or you want that blueprint, I'm telling you, 75 freaking amazing pages of just great information that you can integrate so you can accelerate the transformation in your life. If you go get your blueprint today, I'm very proud of this product that I'm bringing you. I've worked really, really hard for many, many years to bring you the very, very best. You can go to tracyomalley.com the work with me section or hit me up on Instagram. Tracyomalley if you know an 8, if you love an 8, if you lead an 8, if you are an 8. Let me know what you got out of this episode. It would mean the world to me. And until next time, here's to helping you become the ultimate leader in your life.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula Podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyamalley. You can also also find additional resources on my website@tracy omalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.