EP288: Being an Enneagram Nine - The Good, Beautiful, Hard, and Ugly of the Peacemaker

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Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hello. Welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And we are rounding out our series on the heart, the mind, the soul of each Enneagram type. And we are finishing it off with the enneagram9. Next time I'm gonna scroll start with the Nines, because I've heard from so many of the Nines and I love this about them because they don't usually use their voice. Sometimes they're just all about the harmony that they're like. We don't want to have to wait till the end always. So I agree and I applaud the more bold parts of that humble courage that comes out of the enneagram 9, the adaptive peacemaker. So next time I do a series with each individual type, I'm going to go in reverse. Today is all about the Enneagram 9, the adaptive peacemaker. The type 9 falls into the center of intelligence in the gut triad, the instinctual center of intelligence. They're very much present orientated. They're motivated by some independence, autonomy, control. You would be surprised when you hear the name like Adaptive Peacemaker. You wouldn't necessarily assume that there are all about independence, control, autonomy, but they are, they just go about it a little bit different than the Type 8, the challenger and the Type 1, the reformer, that also fall into the instinctual center of intelligence. I like to say that The Enneagram type 9 is like the Yoda of the Enneagram. When they're at their best and when they are maybe not in their most ideal type, they, they resemble more of Eeyore. You know, they go from this humble confidence and wisdom to kind of self abandoning. Sometimes. The beautiful qualities of the enneagram9, these are their superpowers. They are their superpowers. As long as they're coming from a place of love, compassion, empathy, service and grace, these very things can become their Kryptonite when they're in a place of fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt and ego. So the qualities of the enneagram 9, the adaptive peacemaker, are that they are agreeable. Nines are easy to get along with. They're open, receptive, peaceful. They're also understanding. They listen to multiple perspectives and they can find common ground within difference. They're very patient. They do things in a calm, sustainable way. They trust the natural rhythm and timing of projects. They are super supportive. They're a great hype squad because they accept and see the potential in other people. Others feel accepted, heard and understood in their presence. They're genuine too. They are unpretentious and authentic. What you see is what you get. And others are at ease with them. This is their gift. You can see when they're coming from that love, compassion, empathy, service and grace. Where, you know, these are their superpowers. I like to say the divine power, whether it's for you, God, the universe, whatever that looks like for you. I believe that energy, that essence, is the Enneagram 9. So if you are an Enneagram 9, you know, with great reward comes great responsibility. That means you're going to have to step into maybe some of the more uncomfortable parts of who you are to really lead with that highest of quality that you can operate in. And you can also see where when you're coming from, the fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt and ego, being agreeable, understanding, patient, supportive and genuine can really be the thorn in your side. You might feel like you have self abandoned. You might feel that people take advantage of you. You might feel like your voice doesn't matter. And I want you to know my Nine. Seriously, when you guys step into your power, there's nobody like you. We need. We need that. And I joke too, that when a 9 is at their best and they're really coming from that place where they can challenge directly and they also care deeply that you can basically tell people to go screw themselves and it will feel really good to that person. Whereas if I do it, I'm just an asshole. So. So the enneagram9 has this beautiful, beautiful, articulate way of having hard conversations. Even though their biggest fear is conflict. When that Nine can accept and reconcile that healthy conflict is the greatest catalyst for change. And where all their power is, they're unstoppable. I'm so grateful, honestly, that I have a Nine wing. We'll get into that. They are motivated by a need to keep the peace, finding harmony sometimes in their environment. Sometimes internally, sometimes both. Keywords to Describe the enneagram 9 are that they're easygoing, unassuming, patient, accommodating, accepting, fair and non aggressive. Getting to know the type 9 Enneagram nines value connection and understanding. Being accommodating and accepting are vital for them. The Nine strive for a sustainable, peaceful existence and appreciate stability, preferring to avoid conflict. And at their best, they are grounded and able to express their own voice, bringing insight to themselves and to their world. When they aren't so great, Nines tend to procrastinate and can be stubborn and self denying. They go along to get along sometimes with others, but feel discomfort when the strategy doesn't meet their needs. And I'll get into kind of some of the defense mechanisms that come into play now how others might experience a type 9. So this is really important to understand if you are a type 9 and also maybe you love one or you're trying to lead one. Others might experience an enneagram 9 as pleasant, gentle and easy to be around. But. But you might also find them easy to take advantage of. And I, you know, being an Eight and power and all of that is one of my motivating kind of principles. I have to really check myself, especially in the presence of an enneagram9, because they do let people take charge sometimes we don't want to take advantage of them. So often people may not see the passive resistance or anger of the Nine at all, but might see the Enneagram Nine's indecision and procrastination more clearly than the Nine is able to see it themselves. So in a group, the Nine's preferred role as a listener might lead them to not being seen or heard enough. And this can lead an enneagram9 to resentment. And a lot of times because anger is the underlying emotion for the Nine, believe it or not, they suppress it so much, but it might come out in forms of supplements, stonewalling, silent treatment, passive aggression, procrastination. That is their way to take back control. Whereas like some of the other types, you might hit more obvious, the social style of the enneagram9 is one of the more withdrawn types. So this is how they get what they want. They fall into the social style of the 4, the 5 and the 9 all are more of withdrawn types. This is how they get what they want. So Nines typically seek autonomy by withdrawing and seeking inner peace and resisting change. Now when they don't get what they want, their conflict style is more of the positive outlook. So Nines typically avoid Seeing problems and conflict, looking for harmony and trying to mediate. So this is like a double edged sword sometimes for them because it's kind of like the put the head in the sand, sweep it under the rug kind of thing. Because they will settle sometimes for this temporary moment of harmony, but it creates long term disharmony and then that's where that resentment can also kick in. So the biggest vulnerability for the Enneagram 9 is conflict. It is the one thing they absolutely want to avoid at all costs. They fear the chaos, the turmoil and, and the hurt feelings. They really don't want to go there. They tend to that. They don't want to go to the feelings that follow conflict. And they may go to great lengths to avoid conflict and keep the peace, no matter what the cost is to them personally. And depending on your instinctual variant, the subtype, this can look really different for all the three different kinds of Enneagram Nines. And I'll get to that in a second. The vice of the enneagram 9 is self forgetting, self abandoning. And even though like they may seem busy, Nines can be very lazy about paying attention to themselves and their needs. This is where the sloth kind of comes into play. And this leads to self forgetting and self neglect. A sense that their inner world is off is of little importance and that they do not matter. By doing this thing of self forgetting, the nine can excuse themselves from having to make big decisions and give themselves permission to postpone action. Because making a decision and taking action may lead to conflict. Sometimes for some of us we need to kind of take action. For some of us we need to slow down. The Enneagram 9 definitely needs to take action and they can justify their own bullshit. Sometimes they're very because they are so easygoing when they are justifying their own bs. We believe it, they believe it, and that's where they get forgotten. And then they get upset about it. Inattention and inaction contribute to a sense of numbness which alienates them from their real feelings. So them kind of sweeping it under the rug, shoving it down really Sometimes, if a 9 has been doing this for a while, sometimes even decades, for them to access the feelings can be very, very challenging. They resist their own urges and preferences and inspirations because having feelings, having desires, probably early in their life created conflict or it wasn't appreciated or they were told it didn't matter. And so instead of letting those kind of hurt feelings control them, they just learn to not desire anything. And for those of us that love or lead A nine that can feel like they could take or leave us at any moment. And honestly, sometimes they can, because that's how they aren't controlled by it. The Enneagram 9's laziness shows up as difficulty in discerning what is important or needed as they have lost touch with themselves, which leads to a further dampening of their inner life. So it's like this vicious cycle. They want harmony, so they self abandon self, forget to kind of keep the peace. But then they don't even know who they are, so they're always kind of trying to find it, and it's lost some somewhere in there. However, conflict exists in their inner world as well, and they may feel unable to escape their conflicting emotions, thoughts and desires. So having trouble sorting out what needs doing or requires attention, they may get kind of overwhelmed in all these different projects at the same time, mostly for others, which may overwhelm them. And this may lead them to giving up and resigning themselves to inactivity. A lot of times, you know, a nine can be doing one thing. Let's say they're cleaning house and, you know, their thoughts start to take over, and then they get distracted by a junk drawer. And then, you know, they'll start all these little different projects, and the next thing you know, they haven't gotten anything completed. And this really creates more disharmony in their lives. And so a lot of times how they deal with the disharmony is kind of just get horizontal or hideout. This is kind of where they go MIA, where the Enneagram 9 gets fixated. Their insensitivity or idleness in response to pain or discomfort. They'll do this in an effort to protect their inner world from being destabilized. That's what I mean by they won't let themselves take it or leave it. It is a very real fixation. This lack of energy for paying attention to their own feelings and needs keeps them stuck and incapable of taking the actions they most desire. And like I said, this can feel very abandoning or cold to those of us that aren't Enneagram Nines, because it's like, wow, they really don't give a shit. They do, but they've learned how to suppress it, so much so that it doesn't control them. So events become a trigger for an Enneagram 9 if they activate their avoidance or fear of conflict or disharmony. So this goes against their need to keep the balance and therefore activates their vice and their defense mechanisms to protect them. So some of the triggers of an enneagram 9. Those of you that are Nines know this very well. But this is really important for those of us that aren't Nines to understand this when we are loving them or leading them, receiving too many demands, rude. They do not like rudeness, feeling taken advantage of or not feeling connected. Now, some of that is self inflicted, right? Just like for all of us and our triggers, all the different types of. Some of this is self inflicted because we're trying to protect our biggest fear. And for that enneagram9, the biggest fear is conflict. So a lot of this is their own doing. So the defense mechanisms that Enneagram Nines use is that numbing out and going into cruise control to avoid internal and external conflict and anxiety. This neutralizes their own desires, wishes, preferences, needs and feelings. For example, A9 might become very busy watching TV or doing mindless routine activities to avoid conflict. I talk to Enneagram Threes a lot about that too, because the stress number for an enneagram 3 is the 9. And this is sometimes where an enneagram 3 can go. So for those of you that are threes listening, really, really important. This is kind of where you need to watch out for for yourself. Now, the blind spots of the enneagram 9 are really important if you are a 9 and if you love or leave one. Many nines are unaware of their passive aggressive behavior. They dislike being controlled by others and resist by being non assertive and unmoved rather than giving direct feedback about their concerns or objections. That's a real big one that most Nines don't even realize they're doing. Another blind spot for the Nines is that they avoid being controversial and have difficulty saying no. This might create a blind spot for the ways in which they set themselves up to be be disregarded or overlooked. Another blind spot is needing to ensure that everyone is heard. They present multiple viewpoints in long explanations that may cause listeners to lose interest, underestimating the negative impact on their credibility and influence. And for somebody like me, you know, I'm wired this way that if people are using too many words and I can tell that they're just trying to say the right thing to land it, you know, as an eight, I kind of compartmentalize people in the weak or strong category. I can start to go there. And so when I love talking to nines or I coach a lot of nines, I will really push them to use their voice. Like bottom line, they give me an answer because I don't want to not take them seriously. So for my Enneagram Nines out there, really like not reading the room to make sure that you land it in a way that everybody's happy. Like, I know what you're trying to do, but it never ends well. Finally, one of the other blind spots for the enneagram 9 is by being so accommodating, you fail to make your own desires and feelings known. And this indirect approach may mean that others might miss what you actually need. And we don't want that cycle of resentment to continue to go on and on for you. The thing that Enneagram Nines value most is peace. They're called the Peacemaker. They value harmony. Being accommodating and accepting is super important to them. But the virtue, right? The virtue is right action. This is when the Enneagram 9 steps into their power, and this is when they go into that three three zone. Right? Right Action is about moving out of inertia and discovering their own intention and purpose and acting on them. This is like seeing the goal and hitting the goal and not letting all the gray area that sometimes a 9 can sit in take over. By discovering what you really believe and acting on what you authentically think and feel, Nines begin living more fully and honestly. You step into your power. People truly, truly enjoy your perspective and your wisdom. It is very different than all of us, and we definitely, definitely need it. So I say this often that the real superpowers of each Enneagram type are their wings. And we all have two of them. And the goal is to use them both. Both of them. A lot of the Enneagram teachings and literature out there is that you just. You have one wing and not the other. Now, do some of us lean heavily into one? Yeah. Do some of us not use our wings at all? Yeah. But to be the highest version of ourself and to really get to the Holy Grail of your core Enneagram type and the ability to embody and communicate more effectively requires, in my opinion, both of your wings. And the wings that are accessible for the Enneagram Nine are the eight wing and the one wing. Their wings happen to be in the instinctual center as well. So the easygoing and adaptive part of the Nine isn't always the right tool for the job. There's a book called Radical Candor. It's really, really great. I always recommend it for my Enneagram Nines because, you know, you do care deeply and you do want harmony, and you do desire the greatest good for us all. But sometimes that that means you have to deal with conflict. And you have to have hard conversations. And there's a way to do it that still embodies your beautiful nine energy, but in a way where you're taken seriously, not taken advantage of. And the gifts of your wisdom and your perspective actually come to light. For the rest of us, we need you. So the eight wing allows you to be more assertive and take charge. The one wing allows you to not be in that gray area to hold your boundaries. So what you can use and borrow from the eight is the active, focused, and direct eight to get in touch with your power, autonomy and authority. You can also use that 8 Wing to balance the impulse to merge with others through a sense of individuality and unity, uniqueness. You can use the eight wing to develop confidence and influence the eight. You know, the challenger isn't really afraid of conflict. So this will allow you to subdue the fear of attack by boldly speaking up. When a nine is able to use their eight wing in a healthy way, that's that radical candor, the ability to challenge directly, but also care deeply. Now, how a nine can use their one wing, like I said, to hold boundaries, to fact check you, to keep you out of the gray area that can keep you paralyzed. Sometimes the one wing can counterbalance the easygoing laziness with a structured, principled and focused perspective. That one is also like, they never go back on their word. So they do what they say they're going to do. Where that laziness of spirit can kind of really have that nine procrastinating, the one will say, nope, I said I was going to do this. This is what we're going to do. The one wing can also help a nine develop motivation to do what needs to be done, to develop the willingness to work on writing what is wrong rather than living with the problems. The one wing can also help the nine move into action with purpose and certainty. Now, that holy grail number, the growth number for the Enneagram 9 is the Enneagram 3. That's where, like, for all of us, we have our growth number. And I like to say it's the target we're always trying to hit. We'll never be motivated like that type. It is probably the hardest stretch for us to go to for sure. For a nine to go from the adaptive peacemaker to the competitive achiever, you can imagine the inner conflict that might happen as an enneagram9 tries to be in the spotlight. Spotlight like a three likes to be. But that's actually where their wisdom and action collide and we get to benefit from your gifts. This is also where you are able to stay awake to your goals and make things happen. Like it is okay for you to have desires and goals too. And for so many nines, you get off track. The beauty of that three zone is like tunnel vision. Eye in the prize, see the goal, hit the goal, and you'll always do it in a beautiful essence when you are embodying the nine. Now for a nine to get to that three zone, you will never do it by default with your 9, only your 9 tool. So this is why the wings are extremely important. You need both wings. You need to be bookended by the 1 and the 8. Otherwise that muscle memory is real. For the 9, they will opt into temporary harmony rather than kind of stepping into even some short seasons of conflict or disharmony for the greatest good and long term harmony. Now the stretch number, we all have one. And for the Enneagram 9, it is the Enneagram 6. So you can use the 6 for healthy things, but for the Enneagram 9, typically they kind of go into that unhealthy 6. This is where all the conflict is internal and they are worrying and worrying and overthinking and worst case scenario, worst case scenario. A lot of nines that have been suppressing their stuff, a lot of the self preservation nines mistype as sixes, even though they may not outwardly show the fear, the anxiety, the worry. When a 9 is really numbed out on the surface, a lot of times they're in a sick zone. It's like every tab is open. They're so overwhelmed with the overthinking that they are just a shell. How you can use the six in a beautiful way, this is really amazing is by analyzing the risk of inaction and also expressing when something doesn't sound right to you, like actually using your voice. The six is the king and queen of troubleshooting. And you can use it. Instead of troubleshooting and internalizing it all, you can use the gift of the six and troubleshoot and external. And this will allow your wisdom also and your beautiful nature to bless us all. Let me tell you, there's nothing more beautiful than A9 stepping into their voice. Now, I mentioned earlier that we each in each type, there are three different subtypes. This is the instinctual variant. This is the number one reason why most of you are mistyped. And speaking of that, if you aren't sure what your type is or you think your type is, but you want to know for sure. The Enneagram blueprints are now available to you. This is my typing process that if you want to use the Enneagram as the most powerful tool in your life, you can go through my process. You can go to traciomellie.com, the work with me section, where you have the blueprint. I will give you my assessment that's very in depth and it will pop out, you know, after I review the assessment, you will have your accurate type. You will know your subtype, which I'm about to talk about. You'll know your wings and how to use them. You will learn about the growth and the stress number, the stretch and all of how to use the Enneagram, how not to use the Enneagram, what the diagram is, all the juicy parts of the Enneagram. And then knowing you have the right information, you can integrate it so that you can accelerate your transformation in your life. It has been five years in the making to bring this to you. I'm so excited about it. You get 75 pages of Enneagram gold. It's like your soul handbook. And really when you start to get off track, you have this beautiful blueprint to help you kind of step into who you were always designed to be so that you can honor the calling that has been on your life all along. All right, so back to the instinctual variants. Like I said, this is the number one reason why most of you are mistyped. This is where nature, nurture, collide. This is usually where our coping mechanisms can cloud the expression of our Enneagram type. Also why many of you are mistyped because you can, you can see if you're living in coping mechanisms, your true motives and your true fears maybe are covered up by some of this stuff. So we use all three of these instincts in Enneagram land. One is our dominator, usually. And then there's a secondary one. I find most people toggle between two pretty easy. And then there's one that is more repressed or it's your blind spot. But we do use all three. This is usually where our experiences early on in life, like our first go to instinct is this. Now, if you're a self preservation type, your first instinct is about safety, security and comfort. And when things happen, good or indifferent or bad, what's going to happen to me? How does this affect me? This is where fight or flight lives. Really important, we all have it, but for some of you, this is your Dominator. For the one on one types, sometimes called the sexual types of when things Are good, not so good, bad, whatever. They're about the intensity of experience, the connection with their people. This is their first instinct. And is what's. How is this going to affect us? My inner circle, so that's the one on one type. And then the social subtypes. If this is your dominator when things happen, your first thought is how is this going to affect us all? The collective When Covid hit I saw a lot of the social types really come out and we saw a lot of self preservation types come out. But this is like how is this going to affect us all as a collective? Again we use all three. One usually dominates. If you're a self preservation nine, appetite is your code kind of word. Self preservation nines establish a sense of connection through reassurance of routines and physical comforts. Like I said, self preservation types, safety, security and comfort. They keep the peace by being very independent and minimizing their demands on others. I will say self preservation nines are one of the hardest. If they're in a not so healthy place, they're one of the hardest to crack. I've worked with a lot of self preservation nines and they're amazing when they do step into it. But that self preservation has a strong, strong hold. It's really important for all of us. But because the nine has learned to shut down probably better than any other enneagram type. When A Self Preservation 9 is in a cycle of not so great places, they can be really really hard. The one on one nines, they're about fusion. That's their kind of code word. One on one nines establish a sense of connection through merging with significant others. This nine can probably is most prone to codependency quite honestly. They keep the peace by taking on others beliefs and opinions and not connecting to their own. And then finally the social nine, this is the counter type. So within each enneagram type there's one that does not look typical to the norms, to the stereotypes, to the usuals, to the memes even. And within each of the the enneagram types, there's one that is a counter type and it's different for each type. It's not always the social one. But this is also why a lot of you are mistyped. So the social nine actively connect to groups and others, ensuring that group dynamics are harmonious and that others are settled. They keep the peace by focusing on what is sustainable and good for the group as a whole and may take an active role in facilitating. I see a lot of social nines in the Entrepreneurial space. They're the masters at community building. One of my close friends, she is amazing at this. She's known for community building and events and all of that. So you can see where for the Enneagram 9. There's lots of factors that can change the expression of the enneagram 9. And just like with all types, understanding how we all operate really allows us to have more compassion for ourselves and for other people. It's pretty cool when we can start to look at each other through the lens of compassion and empathy rather than feeling like everything is so damn personal all the time. Like I said, if you are wanting to dive deep into your Enneagram type or you're not sure you want to know once and for all, am I typed properly? Go get your blueprint today. I don't know if I've ever been more proud of anything I've ever done professionally. I've worked really hard. It was really vulnerable for me to do because like, oh my gosh, is this really good? But yes, I've shared it with so many people already that they're like, holy crap, this is incredible. 76 pages of Enneagram goals. You'll be typed properly. You will have your framework at your fingertips. And if you want to be guided and go through that process, I'm still doing 90 minute power sessions so that you can know what to do with all that information from a guide rather than trying to figure it out on your own. You absolutely can. The self discovery process is one of my favorites. But if you want to accelerate your transformation and really get more skilled in understanding yourself and your self awareness and acknowledging where this is, is all rooted so that you can take beautiful, beautiful action moving forward in all that you do with those that you love, with those that you lead, those that you parent, whatever that looks like for you. I still do 90 minute power hour sessions. You can do that. You'll get a blueprint. If you just want to skip right to that, you'll still get your blueprint too. Go to Tracey O' Malley.com, the work with Me section for all the info on how to kind of dive deeper with me. And if you just want your blueprint, you can do that too. You won't be disappointed. They're beautiful, they're valuable, and like I said, you'll have everything you need right at your fingertips as far as the information goes. But information doesn't equal transformation. It's what you do with it. And as always, I am here to help bring you more integration tools so that you aren't just sitting on a bunch of information. I want you to step into what you were always designed to do. We're coming up on, you know, the end of the year. I'm going to be bringing you some raw and real episodes on, you know, kind of the hard things in life and how we can be thankful for the hard parts and how we can step up and and be everything we were designed to be so that we can make the impact that we want in the world. It's going to get real around here. Lots of cool new things coming in the new year on this podcast and beyond. I'm so grateful that you trust me with part of your journey and you take the time to list. If there are things that you want to hear more of, please don't hesitate to reach out to me on Instagram at traceyomalley. If you love this episode, please share it. Share it with somebody like I have done. I'm almost at 300 episodes, you guys, which is so crazy to me. You can go back and dive deeper. We cover all sorts of things and I will continue to bring you more and more and more so that you can step into the ultimate leader that you are in your life. And until next time, you guys, thanks for coming.

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You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.