EP289: {Special Series} What it's like to be an Enneagram Nine - Heart, Mind, and Soul with Taylor Murphy- The Peacemaker

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Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships, to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly. It's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

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Hello.

Hello, and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And we are rounding out our series on all the different Enneagram types into the heart, the mind, and the soul of each Enneagram type. And you know what's funny about this episode is the guest that I have on today, she's a client of mine, and, you know, nines typically don't like to stir the pot. They don't appreciate conflict. But she said to me about a week ago, you know, you always do these series and you always do the nine last next time you're doing it first. I'm like, you know what? You're freaking right. I love when an enneagram 9 steps into their voice because they are known as the Adaptive Peacemaker. And they don't love conflict. They don't love it. But when the Enneagram 9 steps into their power and into their voice without the resentment that can sometimes come with it, they are honestly some of the most powerful people of change in the world. And so today, I can't wait to dive into all things enneagram9, the adaptive peacemaker, with my dear, dear, beautiful, lovely client, Taylor Murphy.

Hi, Tracy. I am so excited and thankful to be on the podcast today.

Oh, my gosh. When I was thinking about the enneagram9, I had a few choices. I was like, you know what? I think not only the nine perspective, but somebody who's really strongly, actively in the work becoming a more not as conflict avoidant 9. And also, you're younger. You're younger than a lot of people. And I think it's really important. You're like 27, 28.

27.

Okay, 27 years old. And the old soul, the wisdom, the youth. I think it's really important for maybe some people that are nines that are a little bit more seasoned to hear that it's not too late. It's not too late to step into that beautiful power that is the Enneagram 9. So, you know you found me. I can't remember where you found me. Was I a guest somewhere?

I think I found you through Keisha. Get Mary through her podcast. Yeah.

All things Enneagram. We were talking. Keisha loves the Enneagram. And we were talking about it. And did you know you. I think you knew you were an enneagram9 or had a strong inkling that you were an enneagram9. Did you? Or did you think you were something else?

No. So when I originally took an online test, I was typed as strongest as a 6 and related to parts of it, but didn't really feel connected. So when I found you, I came looking for justification that I was not that six.

What didn't resonate with the six? Because now you know why the six is tied to you.

Right.

Like. Well, and we'll get into that. But what didn't resonate? Obviously, there are some parts that absolutely do. Otherwise it wouldn't have popped up on those other assessments that are inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time. What did resonate and what didn't with the Enneagram 6?

Yeah, I think the, you know, the part that made sense the most was, you know, sometimes the six is known as the loyalist. Mm. And I. I feel that. I feel very loyal to my close relationships and friendships and even career. But what I'm coming to find out is that that's actually more of my conflict avoidant side.

Rather than, you know, living in that six space.

So when we came to. And we came to the conclusion that you're actually a self preservation enneagram9, which. That self preservation part makes a lot of sense why the six came up. Because that need for certainty, safety, security, is all the things about a self preservation type that, you know, you dominate in that, and that can change how a 9 looks. What, when we discovered you were an enneagram 9, did you feel at home with it? Were you excited about it? Were you pissed off that you were coming up in enneagram9? Or what were your thoughts when you first read about it? We talk about it.

Yeah. I definitely felt really connected with it. I remember being on that typing session with you and saying, you know, I just don't want to be a three, because I don't like, if I'm a three. Like, I know I haven't been living up to my potential, which is funny because I am also connected to the three as well. But in the nine, it Just made so much sense because I have lived in that. The conflict avoidant, the peacemaker in friendships, in relationships, in career, in business. I have lived in that being so much and it really just made sense to who I have been for the last 27 years. And then talking about maybe the not so good sides of the nine, the sloth, the procrastination, I have definitely fallen into that area and really just, you know, almost kind of made a joke out of it. Like, you know, oh, my spirit animal is a sloth. Like it's just who I am. I even have, I even have a T shirt that says my spirit animal with a picture of a sloth on it.

Which is hilarious. It's hilarious. And this, the sloth isn't always a bad thing, right? Like they're easygoing, not always so reactive, which, you know, that is like a good thing and also can be the kryptonite and the very thing that keeps you from living into your purpose, your passion, fulfillment, all the things. One of the things that is the motivator for an enneagram 9. And this is a big difference between the 9 and the 6. And this is like you don't necessarily need certainty and all those things all the time, but what you do need and everything that motivates you is about the harmony and the peace. Right. And sometimes, especially a 9 will avoid conflict for temporary peace and temporary harmony. But then, you know, because you don't want to be controlled, you're in that instinctual center where you want independence and autonomy. What happens is, is you have settled for temporary harmony and temporary peace, but underlying you feel so controlled and then you have resentment and that anger, that is the emotion that is tied directly to an enneagram 9. Even the peacemaker. Know all the peacemakers and people that love peacemakers, like, I don't see them as being angry. Oh, it's there. It's just buried in their sloth like ways. Right? Yeah. And then you'll do self sabotaging things or you might explode or you'll stonewall people or the passive aggressive stuff come out. Even passive aggressive behaviors towards yourself. Right. And I see that a lot with the self preservation types is you'll self sabotage and do passive aggressive things to derail the very harmony and peace that you desire. So where would you say you avoid conflict the Most as a 9?

For me, I'm 27, I have a beautiful family. I love them very much and I still live at home with my parents. And I think, you know, just from what I've learned is that is the most deep rooted area of avoiding conflict and creating that peace. And I feel like it's where I've been doing it the longest and has just come off as the most natural, the most comfortable. Like it's just. It just is.

Yeah. And I remember one of our first calls together, you also had some resentment around that. Like you felt like. And as we've worked together, you've uncovered, you know, it wasn't just to have peace and harmony in their hearts and like doing what mom and dad would have wanted me to do. Cause in reality it was actually you more than for them staying here so you wouldn't have to step up and into the things that are required for you to do the things that you've told me and the world that you wanna do. Is that accurate?

Yeah. You know, I've always had big dreams. I mean, heck, as a little girl I was on the sidewalk selling rocks that I painted, like trying, trying, you know, be an entrepreneur and pursue these, you know, different dreams and things and living at home and you know, self sabotaging and creating that piece has really kept me. It's been the fallback, the safe, the fail safe that I've needed to really just stay, stay where I'm at, stay flat with, you know, with the growth pattern.

One of the things that I have seen a lot of nines do when they have this epiphany, it's like, oh my goodness, I have been settling for this temporary harmony and this is like, you know, we're coming off an event that we happen to both be at. And I've sometimes seen nines that aren't as willing and open and honest as you have been with yourself and your own self awareness and the acknowledgement and the action that you've, gosh, taken so bravely in our work together that sometimes a 9, and this may have happened a lot before, you know, we started our work together, but sometimes a 9 could sit back and watch everybody doing all the things they want to do. And you go into that resentment. It's like, well, I've been so busy taking one for the team and keeping peace over here and over here. And like, if I didn't have to do that, then I would be doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Have you ever had those moments where you. Well, you did because I remember. Remember. But other than that, do you, do you recognize before you really started diving into your personal self awareness where you would make those excuses?

Yeah, this happened a lot in friendships, especially with My female friendships in high school and early in college, I was always the secret keeper.

Everyone came to me with the gossip and the drama because I wouldn't tell anyone else, because if I did, it would create conflict, it would, you know, cause tension and create problems. So I was always, you know, the ear that people would come to. And I felt so oftentimes overwhelmed by keeping all that inside that I couldn't. I didn't want to, you know, stand out and make more relationships and go out and meet other people because I was so busy, like, keeping my current friend group together that I couldn't expand my friendships and my relationships other places.

The other thing that nines do. And you and I have talked at length about taking an inventory of the people in our lives and why we have them here and recognizing that you've been in a lot of these relationships, although good people, I'm sure you know that they aren't the right people to be surrounding you for where you're headed for next. And as a nine, the thought of even saying anything is a little bit scary. And one of the things that we talked about was, you don't necessarily have to declare that this is happening Right. When it came time to really assess who's in our life, how did you feel inside? Did you feel that rumble? Like, oh, crap, this is going to create a lot of drama, and how do I handle this or how do I avoid this? What were some of the thoughts that came up when you recognize I gotta make some room here for what I want in my life?

Yeah. You know, it's hard, and it's still something that I feel like I am actively doing on a regular basis because, you know, being in, you know, the personal development, the self development, the business space, There are so many people coming in and out of my life, whether in person or virtually on a regular basis. So really being able to, one, understand who I am and what I need and where I'm going and being able to. I feel like I've gotten to the point where I'm not afraid to ask the important questions. The, you know, what are your goals in life? What are your values? You know, where are you going? Get to those deeper levels of who a person is quicker in order to fully understand if and where they have a spot in my life.

That is the Beauty of a 9. Getting more comfortable with healthy conflict. I mean, healthy conflict is the greatest catalyst for change and even unhealthy conflict. I mean, it definitely forces some kind of action to take place. But when a nine starts to get real comfortable and have this beautiful relationship with healthy conflict. They will recognize how much more control and power they actually do have over their life. But it's kind of getting over that hump of I will tolerate and settle for temporary disharmony in my life to have some for the longest, greatest good and where I'm going. And have you had to have some hard conversations that maybe were met not so lovingly by other people? Yeah.

Well, I remember one of the hardest conversations I had with a friend within the last two years. She was putting me in a box, and I did not like being put in that box.

And nines hate that she did that.

By telling me that my emotions and my feelings were not valid. I was feeling upset, and she told me that I didn't have a good reason to be upset. And that was really hard. And I got, you know, the anger we were talking about earlier that the nines have, that came out, and I was really ready to end the friendship over it because she had put me in that box and would not let me out of it. Like there was.

Did you end that friendship?

Pretty much, yes. In my eyes, that friendship.

What does that mean?

What does that mean much?

What does pretty much mean?

In my eyes, that friendship has been ended.

In her eyes.

In her eyes. I think there's still, like, a glimpse of hope there. So, you know, to some extent, I'm sure I did not end it, as, you know, clearly and as, you know, definitely as it could have been ended. That was two years ago when I didn't know what was going on.

Have you had a relationship with her since? Really?

No.

Okay, so if she should kind of come mosey in on into your life, would you be willing to have, like. Listen, I appreciate everything you've brought to my life, but, like, this part of the story's over.

Yeah, I would. Absolutely.

I know you would. That's why I asked. That's why I asked. So earlier you said, like, please don't let me be a three, please don't let me be a three. And honestly, that's the type most of us wish we were because they just make shit happen. What is it about the three that made you not want to be that? Because, like, you said, it is tied to you. And we're going to get into that in a second. But what is it about the enneagram3 that you did not want any part of?

I think it was, you know, because being, you know, now knowing that I am the nine and, you know, just from, like, an emotional standpoint I do fall on the more introverted side of things. The 3. The constant energy and intensity that I feel like comes with the three was very overwhelming and intimidating.

It's a lot. It is a lot. Ironically, that is your growth number, as you know. And so the good news is, is you don't have to live in that space. Honestly, I was really happy when I was mistyped originally as a three, but also relieved because I don't want to be in that kind of energy all the time putting on a show. No burn to any threes. It's just how you guys operate. It's what you. You just see a goal, hit a goal and want the whole world to see it. And it's amazing the things that you guys do. However, I knew that I wasn't motivated like that too. But the beauty of being a 9 is that is where you need to step up to make the things happen. But you'll have the essence and the motivation of the beautiful nine that you are now. In order to get to that growth number, you need a lot of help, right? And if you're left to your own nine ways, by default, you will never go into that three zone. So you and I have talked a lot about the tools in the toolbox as an enneagram9 that you need in order to step into that, to make the things. Because you do have big goals. I mean, you're an accountant, you're specialized in tax and like, you have to be a three zone to make that shit happen for sure. Because, my God. And there's a lot of conflict when it comes to money and finances and taxes with clients and internally, right? And so you have to be able to step into that three zone. But again, that nine in you that wants to avoid. Put the head in the sand, you know, we've talked about that. So as a nine, you have an eight wing and a one wing. And you know, for those of you listening, maybe you've recognized like, or you've even said, well, I'm a nine wing one or a nine wing eight. And the real beauty happens when you use both wings. So that being said, how do you see yourselves? How do you see yourself tapping into the one wing, the reformer, and the eight wing, which is me as the challenger, to help push you towards your growth number of the Enneagram 3, the Achiever.

It's funny because until working with you, I don't think I would have been able to point out exact instances and experiences in my life where I've been able to use these Wings. And I think the one beautiful thing of working with you is you are able to clearly point them out to me, and I'm able to recognize them and use them easier. And I think, you know, most recently, I made a really big decision about an opportunity to participate in a business opportunity. You know, I had an organization that I am really passionate about and care about, and they came to me and they said, hey, Taylor, we want you to be on our sales team. We want you to help sell this product and offer that we know you care about. We know you will do an incredible job at will you do this for us? And I had to make the very hard decision to say, no, thank you, not right now. And I don't think I would have been able to do it without my wings. I used the one wing to really look at my circumstances and where I was at. And is this a good decision? Yes or no? Not letting the nine tell me, well, you could make it work. You would probably hate it, but. But you could do it.

So the one way easier than telling somebody no and disappointing them, right?

Yeah.

Or robbing yourself of future opportunities from these people too. Right?

Right. So the one wing really gave me the ability to look plainly at the circumstances and say, this is not good for where I'm at right now. And then using my eight wing to.

Believe that and bring compassion and, you know, opportunity and really putting myself in the situation to say, no, thank you. And, you know, I. I think with the combination of, you know, the eight to, you know, put me in that place, in that mindset, to say no, you know, the nine, to do it in a. In a peaceful, compassionate way. And then the one to just give me the answer I needed was really.

Yeah, the facts, the bottom line, me, black and white facts. Like you said you wanted to do this, number nine. Like, are you really going to do this? This is. This is how this is going to get in your way. And I think using that eight wing to know, like, knowing you got that challenger in your corner and not me, but like the challenger in you in your corner, that if you laying down boundaries or saying no to an opportunity or, you know, maybe making changes in your employment or career in the future, knowing that, you know, you might be met with some pushback, friend comes back in your life and wants to tell you that your feelings and shit don't matter, knowing you have that challenger in your toolbox and in your corner inside of you will allow you to confront and have healthy conflict with people and move forward in that as well. And when you do feel that you build confidence, you build confidence. And when you have confidence, you can take more action, which makes you embody that three. You don't have to live there. You can go back to your spirit animal at any time in all the beautiful, loving, easygoing ways. But the thing that you mentioned about the 6, ironically, that is the stressor number. When an Enneagram 9 feels pushed to the brink, you aren't motivated like a six. But all the worry, the worst case scenarios, the what ifs, the over loyalty, the over giving can come into play. I would agree. When I met you, you probably were living in that zone a lot. How have you used understanding the six and using the framework of your enneagram type as a compass? How do you meet yourself with compassion when you find yourself in that zone? And how do you move out of it with as much compassion?

Yeah, I think, you know, one of the areas where I really sit when I'm stressed is that worry. Yeah, I, you know, working especially in tax season, my worry, hallelujah, that's over.

Right? Just finished.

My worry is like through the roof. And especially when I, you know, was younger and first started out in my career, I would. The amount of time I spent worrying about shit that could go wrong that hadn't gone wrong yet, I could have used that time to get stuff done that I actually needed to get done. Probably part of the procrastination of the nine.

Totally.

But now what I have been able to do is one, acknowledge that I do feel worried and recognize that, you know, it isn't necessarily something I need to be worried about. Is this something that I can control?

Yeah. The thing with nine as well is when you recognize that you're in worry or worst case scenario thinking asking yourself with compassion, like where have I been keeping the peace? Where I actually needed to use my voice. Right. Like understanding that I suppressed, I self abandoned. I went for the temporary hit of peace versus that. And where can I reverse engineer this in a way that I can step into that and honor who I am so that I'm not stuck in this worst case scenario thinking. Because what that does is energetically bankrupt you. And then you really look like the horizontal sloth. Like belly up with, you know, Ho Hos and Netflix is what I like to call it.

Right.

Are you able to meet yourself with compassion when you find that? Because this, you know, muscle memory is a real thing and your default is to go there. How are you able to find compassion for yourself today versus, you know, six months ago before we Met.

Yeah. One of the best things that I have found is one surrounding myself with the people who understand and get it and not being afraid to ask for help and knowing that because, you know, one for the nine, it's not only, you know, external conflict, it's internal conflict. And knowing that asking for help is not conflict within, it's actually giving other people the opportunity to live into what they're meant to do.

And that if I, you know, can one graciously ask for help, it will pull me back to where I need to be.

So let's talk quickly about like the self preservation aspect of that. Because when you do sessions with me or order the blueprint from me, you learn more about your instinctual response to life. Right. We use self preservation, we use the one on one instinct and we also use the social instinct. You happen to heavily dominate in self preservation with a secondary and the social right. So as a self preservation, where do you notice? Not just your nine parts, but in self preservation, where do you notice this really comes up because that is your instinctual response. This is where your divine soul makeup and your experiences in life kind of clash and can change the expression of your enneagram type. And it's the number one reason why most of you are mistyped. How do you reconcile the self preservation part of you when it seems to be that it's kind of holding you back?

You know, it's so interesting because I think this was actually like the part that didn't make sense the most when we were first going through the typing is because it's like, okay, like, you know, I'm a nine, I want to keep the peace, but it's all about me, like, you know, keeping the peace. For me, that was, I think, you know, something that I really had to work through and recognize. And, you know, one, like, it's important for me to feel at peace and also comfortable with what's going on and what I'm doing with my life and how I'm moving forward, but also knowing that I can't. Like, that's not where growth happens. Like, I know that and I recognize that. And you know, being able to put myself in, you know, we just talked about this. Temporary moments of conflict and uncomfortable per se situations to push myself into the next best version of who I am.

One of the things that you and I haven't really talked too much about, but we do a little bit. And because the centers of intelligence, your home is in the instinctual center in the present time, the right now, which is your Gift and also same thing, I'm in the instinctual center too. So we in that center kind of operate in the present. We don't necessarily go into the vault of the past. We can because we do need to use that center. We don't necessarily think so so far in advance like some of the other types in the thinking center do. But as the instinctual home, that's where we go by default now. We do have to use our feeling center and we do have to use our thinking center and the tri type. This is what's really cool about doing sessions with me or doing the blueprint is you're going to learn about your tri type. And you know, so in the instinctual center, obviously you dominate in the nine, in the feeling center, no surprise here. You dominate in the two, which is the considerate helper. And in the thinking center you dominate as the five, the quiet specialist or the investigator. I can see, you know, that leads to more of your introverted tendencies as well. Did we talk about what that, that what that meant? Weren't you like the problem solver or something? Is that what we, we talked about?

Yeah, I think it was the problem solver. And it, you knowing all of this information, it makes so much sense to who I have been growing up, you know, I was always good with numbers and math and science and you know, really struggled with the reading and the literature and the writing. And knowing that that's just how I was born and how I was made up to be has been really given me the permission to lean into those gifts and use them to my advantage rather than, you know, sometimes working to change them and to be different and.

To be frustrated with those things. These are your gifts, like the fact that you like just talking with you over the last few months. And I love the five part of you, I love the two part of you and I love the nine part of you. And we do have to use all of these centers of intelligence obviously at some point. And so understanding where we dominate in those can really like, you know, you've used the two part of you and not so healthy ways sometimes. Right? So and it makes sense why that six has come up that over giving when it comes to people especially. So what's really cool about you, Taylor, is as a self preservation 9, not very likely to step out into the world big and bold. But you have been, you have been in a beautiful way and honoring all those parts of you that you know, you bring a different perspective and a unique way and a unique energy about you that we do need in this world, and I love that you're stepping into it. Tell me about your podcast and who's it for? Because you do have a podcast too, which is amazing.

Yeah, so my podcast is called Life with a side of Business. And this was really just my only goal with it was for it to be a verbal diary as a nine. Keeping my emotions, my feelings tucked away inside is definitely my natural habitat. And it's something I've been working on. And this podcast is really the opportunity for me to get it all out there and, you know, so really the goal was to just give myself an outlet. But what I'm coming to realize is that it is relatable and so many women have had different takeaways and insights from it. So this is for the woman who is maybe going through a transition or a change in her life and looking for the clarity or support that she needs to step into that change, understand how she might be feeling through that change, and, you know, really just step into the role that she wants to be in and that, you know, you can have a whole well rounded, happy life while still stepping into big goals and dreams.

I love it. Life with a side of business. You guys go find it. It's on all the things right? Apple, podcast, Spotify, all of it. Taylor, thank you so much for representing the beautiful enneagram9, the adaptive peacemaker. It's such an honor to watch you grow. And honestly, you guys, one of the most coachable people I've ever met and worked with in my entire life at 27 years old, so. And I'm not easy, would you agree? I am not the easiest. I'll tell it like it is. That's for sure.

You do. But I knew from the moment I met you that it was exactly what I needed at this point in my life.

I'm so proud of you. You guys, if you want to dive deeper into your Enneagram, type and use the framework like you've heard Taylor use for all the goodness and to step into and to honor who she is and also meet herself with compassion. And Enneagram blueprints are now available. You don't have to necessarily sit in front of me to get properly typed and have all this beautiful information at your fingertips. I have developed this beautiful blueprint with 75 pages giving you all the details of your framework and you'll be accurately typed, which is the biggest issue in the Enneagram way. Also, if you want to dive in deeper, I do 90 minute sessions where we go over all the stuff, including your tri type so that you know how to tap into all the other centers of integration intelligence in the gifts that you carry in those areas. As always, if you love this episode, you learned a lot from it. Please share it. You can tag me on Instagram tracieomalley If you are a 9 or you love or lead a 9, this is definitely one that you can benefit from and I guarantee you have a nine in your life and sometimes they're hard to understand, but this I think will allow you to understand that with Taylor's help and her perspective, sharing what it is like in the heart, the mind and the soul of the enneagram 9. And until next time, you guys, thanks for showing up and becoming the ultimate leader in your life.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.