EP296: Blindsided by a Romantic Partner - How You Can Turn That Pain into Something Beautiful Even While You are in the Middle of It.

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Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships to wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

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Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Leadership Formula podcast. And I hope that you had a beautiful Thanksgiving weekend. I know that the holidays can be a little tricky for some of us. So much to be thankful for and holding gratitude and also maybe even some pain or sadness or anger. All totally normal. Understandable. And the final two episodes on this series about blind spots. I've noticed I've been resistant and procrastinating in recording them because I think it's our closest relationships that really test us. It's also where we see maybe we have some more healing to do. You know, it's in these close interpersonal relationships that we lower our guard. We put some of the walls down, and it's where we become most vulnerable. And it's when we are at that vulnerability state that the chances of us getting hurt or betrayed or even unintentionally can happen. Right. It's, it's where we, we seek out maybe what we have been missing all of our lives. And I really, I haven't talked much about blindsides in romantic partnerships. You know, I was married for 14 years. I've been in, you know, maybe one or two longer, what would be considered longer term relationships. I'm in one currently, and it's in the romantic partnerships that I realize and through, you know, decades of working with other people, it's really where we see where the work needs to be done. And I haven't talked a lot about, especially my marriage because my kids, it's my kid's dad. And although there were some things that went on in the marriage towards the end of it that were not great, what I really talk about is we all have a part in it. And, and I know when you've been hurt, betrayed, violated, in the next episode I'm going to do is about, you know, close interpersonal relationships that aren't romantic partnerships. And when that happens. We always have a part in it. And I know if you've been in an abusive relationship, I have. If you've been cheated on, I have. If, you know, terrible lies have happened, any kind of shit has happened. I want you to know that when I say you have a part in it doesn't mean I condone, excuse, sign off, cosign any, anybody else's bullshit. I want to say that up front, right? I really, really do. However, when I was in the thick of it with my marriage, and this was, gosh, 15 years ago now that, God, 17 years ago when we separated because of some things that went on that were his part in the, in the breakdown in the relationship were, in my opinion, so horrible, I of course took that and ran with it again. I'm not excusing anybody's. Anybody's behavior. It is also not my job to take anybody's inventory. But back in the day before, I really had done some hefty, heavy lifting in my own inner work. Oh, you bet your ass I was going to annihilate him. And any chance I got, I would talk shit, spew venom. And what I found is that that really only hurt me and especially hurt my kids, right? Even if I didn't say it directly to them. That energy does not lie. And I know when a blind side comes, especially in our most vulnerable relationship, which is our romantic partnership. And this can be either a marriage, a same sex situation, an opposite sex situation, a living partner, any kind of romantic partnership that we have, even if, you know, the fire has faded, it is our most revealing relationship of all. And I gotta tell you, when I came to the realization that my husband had cheated on me and my kids know about all of this at this point in their lives, are almost 25 and 26. When I realized that that had happened, it really crushed me. Not necessarily because looking back, I was so in love with him at that point. And this is getting to my role in, in this whole thing. It was because of that betrayal and violation. And this is where the enneagram had. I had this information back then and some work and some willingness and, you know, my own openness and my own honesty with myself, how this could have helped me. But as an enneagram 8, being betrayed and violated is like the motive of everything I do is to prevent that. And so when this happened, it was more about that than my love for this person. Now, don't get me wrong, I love him. I care about him deeply. He's the father of my children. And we spent, you know, a long, long time in relationship with each other. And I love his family and so many gifts came from that relationship. But what that blindside really forced upon me. The timing was shit. It was during a recession. It was just at a terrible time in my life. I had not been taking care of my health. So, you know, I felt like shit about myself. I had started therapy, so I was opening old wounds and I was disconnecting and isolating, which was my part in the relationship. We had also had a business that I was happy that we had, but didn't love it. He's a seven on the enneagram and more extroverted and definitely was more social. And I was like staying home with the kids, you know, all the things. And I really wanted no, no part in anything and was kind of on my own journey. And when we are on our own journey, there's nothing wrong with that, right? But I wasn't communicating what was going on. This is the really, really important part of this episode is, you know, things are going to happen. I do believe that relationships can recover. I chose not to at the time. I still don't think it was the right relationship for me for the long game. You know, I was 20 years old and 21 years old when I got married. I really didn't know much. But with that blindside forced upon me is recognizing that a I had a part in things, right. My breakdown in communication caused a disconnect. Again, not co signing anybody's behavior that isn't conducive for a marriage. But I wasn't communicating. And then he didn't communicate. And though this was probably one of the most top three painful experiences in my life, it was a catalyst for change. Now, that being said, it took four years for me to get really serious about it because I stayed in the victim mentality of it. I was like, I was wronged. How dare somebody do that with me? You know, I'm a very physical person. It's like I didn't want anybody to think that there was something wrong with me. So I was on this campaign to make sure everyone knew that I was not at fault. And the more that we don't own our part in things or our breakdown in the relationship, the more that that will continue. Some of you and I had moments of this too. They were very private, where I felt shame. I knew that I was in this growing journey and revealing so much behind closed doors and I was feeling tremendous amounts of shame about it. Again, not communicating it with him or anybody. For that matter. And shame. Shame keeps you stuck. And especially if we keep secrets about that shame, we stay as stuck as our secrets. And I know many of you right now. Covid really brought to the surface a lot of struggles within romantic partnerships. You got locked into your house with each other. A lot of divorces happened during that time. A lot of things were revealed that maybe you weren't aware of or weren't ready to be aware of. And although when these things happen, especially when you're blindsided by them, it can send you into turmoil. And that's exact. Like when I think about myself as an enneagram 8 when this happened back in 2006, 7, 8, which is when this all went down for me. Everything about my enneagram8ness, the unhealthy part of me was activated. I didn't know what was happening today. Like, in my next episode, I'm really going to talk deeply about, you know, a betrayal that's recently happened to me and how it looks so different. The betrayal felt just as deep as the one in my marriage and the one in a relationship that followed. But how I choose to handle it and respond to it and grow from it are two very, very different stories. I'm still the same person. I'm still an enneagram8. But, you know, when you understand yourself, you will understand everything, including your part in it. Again, I am not condoning anybody's abusive behavior. I'm not condoning cheating. I'm not condoning anything. But we have a part in it. I chose this person. I put. I chose to put my head in the sand. I chose not to communicate. I chose to withdraw and disconnect intentionally, without explanation. I abandon him emotionally. None of that warrants being cheated on, right? But we have to recognize what our part is in it. And I know if you are dealing with some narcissistic behavior or a narcissistic person or abusive situations, or you are financially in a spot where maybe you can't just say, I'm out of here. You have a part in this, and you can make changes. I will tell you this. Badmouthing somebody else and taking their inventory and whatever else that you might have done, like I have, definitely doesn't make it better. Because what did I do? As soon as that relationship was over, I continued to play the victim and drown out the noise with more alcohol. My eating disorders took a hold of me, and I attracted a relationship in to my life that wasn't necessarily the same, but it was similar package, different wrapping paper and Actually, it revealed more stuff about my relationship with my father. And I think our romantic partnerships, whether it's same sex, opposite sex, married or not, reveals a lot of some wounding that comes from our parent. Right. Specifically because I am somebody that is in into males. As a female woman, I recognize the pattern around my relationship with my dad and where I would go. And that couldn't have happened without like this harsh realization of this blindside. The blind side with my marriage rocked me to my core, financially as well. And, and if you haven't listened to the episode about to back around a financial blindside and how that can turn into something beautiful, this was part of that package. Like this was all happening at the same time. I got the financial blind side as well as the romantic partnership blindside, all at the same time. When I was really going deep with myself, I was very resistant to it. I was all about the blame because he disrupted my life through these actions. And the more that I bought into that story and didn't take my own ownership of the breakdown in the relationship or my choices in the relationship, the more hard things continued to happen. You know, I've said this before. I've said it from stages. I've said it on this podcast. If you don't repair it, you repeat it. And that is exactly what I did. And usually when we repeat it, it magnifies and it gets more intense, which when I think about the next romantic partnership I had that was next level intense and revealed even more about myself and how I operated in this one was the other end of the pendulum. I completely took full ownership of every single thing that was wrong in relationship. This guy was a little bit more like my dad. And you know, my role with my father most of my life was being accessible and, and available and accommodating. And you know, after going through the divorce and being betrayed and violated, like I felt like I was, even though I had a part in it, I wanted to do the opposite in the next relationship. So instead of communicating my needs, I just completely was accessible, accommodating, available and self abandoning and took full ownership of every single problem that went wrong. And because I was drinking more at the time, I wasn't always remembering everything. You know, I just. The shame buried me. It completely buried me until, you know, it got so bad at the end where, you know, that relationship ended very explosively, me in an ambulance at the hands of this person. And again, like, yes, I don't condone that behavior. I don't. There's absolutely nothing okay about you Know us putting our hands on anyone, male, female, period, we. We don't have that right, no matter how angry we get. And I've been guilty of doing that to other people. Right. What was my part in that? There was a lot of my part in that. The not using my voice, the codependent patterns. Again, not saying what he did was remotely okay. And I came home a few days after that happened and he was gone. Cleared out the house, left me with all the responsibility. And what that did, really, this is when I was introduced to the Enneagram, was around this time. And although my marriage, you know, ending a few years earlier was really, really hard, this ending was actually even more devastating. There was a different dynamic to this relationship, probably because it was familiar to the relationship like I had with my dad. But the way I handled it was a lot different. Even though the pain was very, very deep and cutting in ways that the one with my marriage wasn't. With tools of recovery, a deep rooted faith, and the tool of the Enneagram. Although I felt all the pain, I didn't have to repeat that pattern, and I didn't. I took a lot more time in between that relationship and the one I'm currently in, like seven years. Now. That's a little excessive, but I wanted to deep dive because these romantic partnerships, and especially if you've been hurt or you've done the hurting, right, and you have regret or shame or resentment around maybe some choices you've made, you can use it as an opportunity to grow yourself. For seven years, I spent really understanding my part in everything. That's one of the greatest gifts in recovery, is taking our own moral inventory. And as someone who used to take everyone else's, it was very humbling to recognize my part in it. And when we've had situations that were abusive or, you know, all those other things that, like I said, I don't condone, I don't co sign. It's really been very eye opening to see where I made certain choices and what I thought was okay for my life. Right. People, places and things are brought into our life to teach us something, to help us grow. They're here for a reason. A season or a lifetime, right? And what is our part in that? And for the next seven years after the end of that relationship, after I got sober, I really investigated and reverse engineered almost every relationship in my life, but specifically my romantic partnerships. And I can see where from high school, college, marriage, after marriage, you know, there are about three or four significant romantic partnerships that I have where I see a very clear pattern for myself and my part and my choices and what I was willing to accept and what I. Where I would go when I felt vulnerable. And every single one of those ended in a blind side. Quite honestly, I am somebody who is very extreme in the way that I operate. I have experienced so much like explosive endings to a lot of relationships. I think that's part of being an enneagram 8 that, you know, when I really took the time. And this is how we do it. We're honest with ourselves, we're open to a process and we're willing to see our part in it. And when, I mean, we're honest with ourselves. So that doesn't mean we pull out the shame stick, because shame keeps you stuck, shame keeps you in secrecy. Shame serves absolutely no good when I mean honest with ourselves. It's compassionately, empathetically taking a look at our part in it and where that came from. A pattern early on in our life where our needs weren't met or we believed that in order to be worthy of love, approval, acceptance and intention, we had to do or be Something like this is the gift of a blind side. Is. Is it kind of forces this to happen, you know, and you know that that breakdown in my marriage and the breakdown of that other relationship are now over a decade old. And my kids definitely experienced a lot of pain in both of those, not just with the divorce from their dad, but especially the one that came after. That was actually really, really hard on them as well. And they have talked and we have talked a lot about what that looks like. And it was very disruptive to their lives too. And them watching me and, you know, worried after the last one, like how I was going to handle it. And although their life was affected by drastically by both of those situations, they also wouldn't trade a. They have witnessed me in full evolution of my healing process and letting them in, not burdening them with it, right? But showing them how I deal with the full scope of human emotion. The sadness, the anger, the betrayal, the hurt, the bargaining, the denial, all of it, because I have shown them that. Again, not making them my therapist or surrogate spouse in that, but them seeing me feel the full scope of human emotions has allowed them to navigate their own. You know, for a long, long time, I just operated in this stoic, can't fucking hurt me, you know, next. Screw you. Like all those things that was only showing one part of the story. And both my kids feel and express very differently than me. And them seeing me just Be stoic all the time when things are hur hurting doesn't actually serve them because they're feeling the energy, right? If you've had or are in the middle of a romantic blind side and you're not sure what to do, or if you're trying to save face for the sake of the children, I'm telling you right now, your energy doesn't lie and more harm can be done and is done. I'm a product of this. Growing up in this, I reproduced it, you know, I didn't repair it, so I repeated it for a short period of time that the energy doesn't lie. And when we're not communicating, the real breakdown in any of this, whether it's romantic partnership, financial blindsides, health, blind sides, the next episode I'm going to do about, you know, other relationship blind sides, is it's always, always, always, always comes down to a breakdown in communication. And that's why the Enneagram is the most powerful tool that I use because it has taught me how to communicate not just when I'm angry, not just when I'm sad, not just when I'm happy, but in all ways and, and in ways that other people can see here, understand, value me, and support me. And I really want to encourage you if you are in a hurting place right now. I know the holidays absolutely bring a lot of this to the surface. And because it's, you know, the highlight reels that we're seeing and all the matching pajama stuff and, you know, people gathering with their families there, there was many, many years that, you know, I was witness to a lot of people's joy. And the more that I allowed myself to feel and do my own healing work, the more that I, instead of feeling sad and sorry for myself or resentful or angry or I really was able to be happy for other people. I really, really was. And I was able to create new, beautiful healing memories with my own family and the chosen family that I have picked up along the way. And even my ex's family, who still freaking loves me and adores me and, and all of that, none of that would have been possible without me taking some ownership of my part in the whole story. What's also really cool about taking ownership, especially in a romantic partnership, is how healthy my kids have navigated romantic partnerships. Or when things aren't working out, they don't self abandon anymore because they were repeating that too, quite honestly. But they have healthy communication, they take ownership of their part, they have healthy boundaries. They ask for what they need. They don't settle for anything less than what they deserve. And I know that that was me leading by example the last 10 years. I know that, you know, if you're in a situation where you don't know what this looks like, I didn't either. I had no idea. You know, if you had told me 15 years ago when I was going through that, that this is how my. My life and my story would look, I would have been like, there's no freaking way. With the tool of the Enneagram, you can navigate all the hard things in your life. It's like a roadmap. And you know, when I share later in the week about the most recent thing and how this looks drastically different in how I've been able to move through, navigate, have breakthroughs, grow, heal. So much greatness has come from that because I didn't allow myself to stay stuck in it. Everything about that is to do with the Enneagram and my ability to integrate that and understand myself with compassion and empathy and love and grace and all the things. And I want to help pay that forward. I really, really do. That's why I'm so passionate about the Enneagram and bringing it to you. You don't have to sit in front of me in order to do that, but you absolutely are welcome to. I. I have a few options. You can do a 90 minute power session with me. We can talk about the Enneagram. We don't have to. I always do give you a proper assessment so that you have that. That information and that tool. And if you want to talk about it, we can. If you just want to dive deeper into how to navigate the hard things in life, I can help you do that. You can apply for my one on one private VIP coaching. It's a three month process. It usually goes longer, though, just so you know, I usually kind of stretch that out. That's having access and guidance for me on a daily basis. Super helpful, especially through the holidays. And if you're going through a hard time, I literally only have one spot open right now. I have a full client deck right now. Because this time of year is when most of this stuff gets revealed. And you may not want to go into 20, 23 in this relationship and you don't know how to navigate that. And there are kids involved and finances involved. And I get it. I've been there. I've. I get it. I know how hard it is. And you deserve the life that you want and so does your partner and so do your children. If you have them right at any moment, you can decide, this is not for me anymore. It doesn't mean it's not disruptive. It doesn't mean it's without pain. But you can do it and honor yourself and that other person in a way that really can change the whole course of your life for the better. Also, I have Enneagram blueprints for you. This is because this is the most powerful tool in my tool belt. I was, you know, really seeking a way to be able to serve more of you. And the trick about using the Enneagram is there's so many inaccuracies in the online space. The online assessments are inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time. So if you're trying to use it but you have the wrong information, it's why maybe it hasn't landed for you or maybe it hasn't stuck. That's why I have worked really hard over the last decade to bring this to you. I have an accurate assessment that is over 95% accurate. I've tested it over and over and over. I've done thousands of typing interviews and sessions with people. And now it's available to you. And in doing that, you also get a 75 page soul blueprint with your Enneagram type. We talk about all the components and the the framework around your Enneagram type so that if you are blindsided, whether it's in a romantic partnership or something else, you know the way out. You do, you do. And you can feel all the things. The more you feel, the less you have to think about things and the more that you can operate in intuition. They are available right now. You can go to Tracey O' Malley.com the work with me section where they are available right now. They make a great gift. Also for those that are into personal development and understanding and self awareness and all the good stuff. I've gifted them to several people and it's. It's amazing to see what can happen when you understand yourself. The possibilities for your life are endless. As always, I'm super grateful for you. Stay tuned. Next week is probably going to be one of my most vulnerable episode since it's more in real time. I've really prayed hard about how to share about that because it is very sensitive and I know many of you are in this season with that right now. If you love this episode or you need to share this with somebody, please do. Can find me on Instagram at Tracy Underscore. O', Malley, as always, thank you for spending time with me. I don't take it lightly that you trust me with this part of your journey. As always, I want to help you become the ultimate leader in your own life so that you can do everything that you are called and designed to do. I'll see you soon.

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