EP297: Blindsides & Betrayal in Adult Friendship - How to Grow From it and Stay Open for the Right People for You Using the Enneagram

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Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast where you will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week I will teach you how to get exactly what you want in life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life. Let's do this thing.

Hello and welcome back to another episode. I'm sure, like, this week has felt like the longest week ever. Always coming off a holiday, it's a lot. Whether it's emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. All the things that the holidays are amazing for are also why they can be hard. And I'm going to finish out the series that I've been doing on the blind sides, and I've saved this one for last for a few reasons. I think that it's probably the one that collectively you all can relate to the most. Also, it is probably the most recent in my life. And I say that because I want you to know that no matter how much personal development, inner work, all, all the things that we do, we cannot avoid a blind side. No matter what we cannot, nobody is immune to it. And no matter how much work you do and how much good intention and pure intention you put out into the world doesn't mean it's always going to be received that way or responded to as though it was. And I think I saved this episode for last because I know if you're listening, you are somebody that is here to do the work. You are committed to growth. And if you are, what I'm about to share with you on this kind of blind side is one that you might as well get used to. I'm just gonna say it like that. And it doesn't mean it gets easier. It doesn't mean it hurts any less when it happens. But as we grow, and especially if you are somebody that grows at a faster pace than most of the people in your life, you are going to be faced with some of these things whether you're prepared for them or not. And this episode is all about when your support cast, supporting cast, your friends, your business friends, your business besties blindside you. And that can come in the form of betrayal. It can come in the form of Silent treatment. It can come in the frame of judgment. It can come with ghosting. It can come with all sorts of different packaging or wrapping paper. But it's. It's when you realize that the people that you have surrounded yourself with maybe aren't going to be here for the next part of the journey. And it's really, really challenging because you're faced with, do I dumb it down or keep the peace or do what I need to do and maybe not honor who you are to keep this relationship intact or do you let it go? Or maybe they have decided without a conversation that their part in the story's over. Both suck. I'm not going to say either one is fun. And I've experienced this very, very recently.

Several times, actually. And not just with family, but with friends and people I probably didn't ever expect it from. And the old me, without some of the awareness why the Enneagram has been so powerful in my life. A few different scenarios could have gone down as this has happened. Either like that vengeance part of me is like, fuck them. I don't need them. Or judgment, like they just can't handle me, or they're out of integrity or whatever it is and act like I don't care or like I want to kill him. Right? That's excessive and that's aggressive. But, you know, that's how it feels when these kind of betrayals or abandonment or whatever it is looks and feels like. And so we have to honor that this feeling is here. Now. How we respond to it is a whole different ball game. And I know that the mass exodus I've had in my life of friends that I thought were lifetime friends has hurt a lot. But if I'm being really honest, all of them, the ones that I have experienced this with, I kind of knew it and I. It wasn't that any of these relationships were bad by any means. They're all amazing people. Even the ones that have done me dirty, they are all beautiful people. They really, really are. And I know my part in it. And just like I have expressed in the other blindside episodes, especially the most recent one, when it comes to like a blind side from a romantic partner, in no regards and in no way am I ever condoning or saying that anybody invited in any kind of abusive behavior by any means. Absolutely not. I'm not co signing any of that. I'm not at all implying that you've attracted this in. Right. I don't believe that. However, we have a responsibility in choices we have made. We have. We have responsibility and choices and decisions and behavior we've tolerated. Right. But a lot of people are very manipulative and we don't always see it. And so we do come by it innocently. But we do have a responsibility of what we choose to do with it when we figure it out or when we are faced with some of this. And when it comes to friendships or business besties or partnerships of any kind that aren't romantic, I think these ones actually, they see all parts of us in different ways. Because I think sometimes that that romantic partnership, you know, it's a little bit different structure, obviously, especially when we're talking about girlfriends. Let's just call it what it is. Like the ladies that are listening, guys don't really experience this kind of betrayal as much. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but women can do this. And I'm not judging women. I am a woman. I've been guilty of some of the things that I'm about to share with you for sure, and I have a part in all of this. However, when you've done the quote unquote work and continue to do the quote unquote work, you don't always expect this blind side to happen. And earlier this year, I've had three friendships come to an end. And some were quiet, some were more vocal, and some were downright explosive. And none of them were fun. And I got to say, none of them were really on my terms, which I don't love. Right. I knew they were done, and energetically, I had already kind of deemed to them done. And that's the thing about your energy not having a poker face. Energetically, I had already kind of decided they were done or I realized this person couldn't hold the space for me that they claim to. Their walk wasn't in integrity with their talk and not saying it was malicious or intentional or conscious even. Right. So energetically, when I was picking up on that from these three people in particular, even though I wasn't mad about it, I wasn't even in judgment about it energetically, though I probably was energetically, I had kind of assessed like, oh, this person. If I really needed them, I'm not sure that they could do it now. Full disclaimer as an enneagram 8. I have a hard time believing anybody could. And that's my part in this. And that's something that these three relationships have really exposed for me is where I need to be more vulnerable. Were any of these three people the ones to be that vulnerable with? Absolutely not and that's why, energetically, I already knew. But instead of putting this on them and saying they did me dirty, even though some of them did really, really bad, like, really bad, I have a part in this. And my lack of vulnerability created a disconnect in the relationship. And for these three people, and knowing their enneagram types, it can feel very abandoning. It can feel very judgmental. Was that ever my intent? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. But sometimes, even though we don't intend to, it doesn't mean we don't hurt people. And although all three of these people have hurt me very, very badly, I recognize that my energy and my decisions in my energy definitely probably hurt them. And it's been hard. The most recent one was with my closest friend. And I mean, this person was the closest woman I've ever let get to me, honestly. And she was my training wheels for vulnerability. And I remember when we first met, you know, she called me on. On it. And I know why she was doing it, and I get why she was doing it. And because I had never experienced intimacy, emotional intimacy with another woman, I didn't know how to do it. I really, really didn't. It didn't mean I didn't want to, because I did. I did. And I worked really, really hard at it over the course of the friendship. And. And honestly, I'm human, and I don't always get it right, but I was always 100% all in in doing that. About a year ago, I started to feel like this relationship had kind of run its course. I really, really did. And I love, loved her and do love her, even though we'll probably never speak again. But I knew. I knew that she was in a space where, I mean, I can't speak for her, and it's not my job to take her inventory. And whether she has a conscious awareness of this or not, I don't know. And it's not my job to figure out. But what that experience has done for me is bring into light where my subconscious patterns are that don't help in intimate relationships, specifically with friends and women. And although some of the betrayal that has gone on that I am privy to is very hurtful and makes me angry, I don't have to act on that anger in an unhealthy or vengeful way. In fact, I have used that healthy anger to propel me into some sadness about it. That's not an emotion that I love to use. And I'm speaking this to you guys because I know if you are committed to growth and if you are in this business, entrepreneurial, you know, girl gang kind of space where you want, you know, this beautiful collaboration of powerhouse women, it's bound to happen, you know, whether it's your stuff, their stuff, a collection of both, and you will have choices to make. I could easily point the finger at all three of these women in my life and find fault with maybe how they did things or how they didn't do things. I could. I could. And I'm not saying I'm wrong, because my perspective is mine, but theirs is also theirs, right? And I'm not gonna take that from them because their experience is what it is. And I know without question whether they see it or know it or believe it or not, I am a pivotal catalyst in their life to help them grow. Whether or not they see that, I don't know. Just as they are. For me, when I think back on all three of these relationships, two of them were close to 20 years and one was about five. Close to five. Long, long time. And in recent years, with all three of them, I really got vulnerable. With all three of them, two of them, I could tell it made uncomfortable because that wasn't the rules of our friendship for a long, long time. I have always been the rock and the strength. That is my gift and also my downfall sometimes, because when you are the rock, most of the time you set the tone that you're not going to lean in for help. And that can create this uneven vulnerability and energy exchange, which can make people uncomfortable. The other thing that it does is because I do lean into vulnerability. And I am also very tenacious and strong and committed. It can make people feel insecure that maybe they don't have that strength. And again, I'm not judging anyone, but this is my experience and what I've heard from people along these lines. And it doesn't mean my way is better because it certainly isn't because it has its down. There's always a catch, you guys. There's always a catch. But I have chosen in these relationships and. And, you know, like, if you are somebody that keeps a very small circle and doesn't have a huge, big circle, I have a strong circle, but it isn't very big. And three of my six people are gone out of my life on their terms. I think part of me was hurt and upset that I couldn't do it or that I didn't do it. And I think some of the anger, you know, when. When we know a relationship has run its course, but we didn't pull the trigger and somebody else does. And even when they do it dirty, we want to project, right? And I easily could do that, but that wouldn't be honoring me. It wouldn't be honoring the lesson and the blessing that I got from all of these relationships, no matter how they. They ended. And when I talked about the romantic blind sides, you know, I've had a few that have ended explosively and very painful and disruptive in my life. And some of my greatest growth has come from that. And the more that we can lean into that early on without creating the wreckage, the better. It's really, really hard. It is. And I've talked about this reason season, Lifetime before. Sometimes people come for a reason. I think Justin Bieber has a song. If you haven't downloaded it, whether you're a Bieber fan or not, it's a great song. It's called Lifetime. And, you know, all three of these people I thought were Lifetime people, I really, really did. And the old me might have gone into shame, but I would have masked the shame with anger. Right? Sometimes we. We will mask our sadness with anger. Anger is the bodyguard for sadness a lot of the times. And when we are angry about an abusive situation, again, not condoning anything or not saying that that behavior is at all acceptable, because it's not. But a lot of times when we recognize that we have kept ourselves in a situation like that for long, we use the anger to protect and bodyguard the sadness, the hurt, the shame that we feel when we really need to kind of bring it all to the surface so that we can, you know, see our role in it, our decisions in it, why we made the decisions we made not to, you know, beat ourselves up by any means. So when I thought about, especially the. The most recent friendship divorce that happened, it got pretty ugly. Not together, but separately. And I got wind of some stuff that was very, very hurtful. Mean girl stuff. Like, really ugly mean girl stuff. And I was shook by it. I was shook by it. Am I surprised? Yes and no. I'm not really surprised because all the evidence that this could happen was there. I'd seen it before. Again, not judging it. I know the pain in this person's life, and I understand it. I'm still not condoning it, but I have a choice on how I can respond or not respond or move on from it. And when I looked at my role in it about a year ago, when I felt like this person couldn't be what they said they could be for me, and I energetically started to disengage, I Went into my old kind of pattern, which is to be the rock. And my ego really likes being the rock. And whether I was conscious of it or not, it created that codependent pattern. That's my role in it, right? And that's not what I wanted for any kind of relationship in my life. But it wasn't terrible, so I didn't end it. I see that pattern a lot in my life, in the history, you know, growing up, the way that I grew up. It makes a lot of sense. I don't want to operate like that. And that's how sneaky this can be. And no matter how much we do the quote unquote work, we all have blind spots. And using the tool of the Enneagram, I. When I was removed from this situation, I could see very clearly where my blind spot happened, how it happened, why it happened, and how I could move forward. Now my biggest fear when this was happening was like, oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God. I don't want to say fuck all women like them. I don't need them, you know, because I know I have a lot of women here that have told me, maybe you're one of those women who have said, I get along better with guys, girls don't like me. I, you know, I don't connect with women. That's usually coming from a place of hurt, betrayal, abandonment of some sort. And those are all true for me, right? And so when this last kind of blindside happened with this friend who. Where it just got mean girl ugly really quickly, my biggest prayer was, please don't let me cut off my heart from intimacy with other women and friendships. And I did something that I typically don't do. When I got wind of the really harsh stuff, I leaned in. I leaned into the women that actually can do what they say they can do. Not just say all the words with the pretty language with the recovery background, but the ones who show me in their actions day in and day out, not just with me, but with other people. And so in the heat of this, not when I was on the other side, not when I had figured it out, but in true vulnerability, not knowing how this looks on the other side of it, I did the unthinkable for this enneagram 8. And I leaned into women. I let them hold me in ways no other woman has ever held space for me. It was unreal. In real time, three separate women in my life who, looking back, I felt a strong connection to. But this other relationship was so busy and so much all the Time, it was very consuming and I play a part in that, right? My ego probably liked being, you know, the person that this person needed for everything. That's my part in it. But it robbed me of true intimacy with the very women who could be there for me, not just emotionally, but professionally in ways that I absolutely will tap into their gifts. One of the other friends, you know, always wanted to help me and I didn't feel good about that because I knew there was like this subconscious maybe contingency or rules that would go with that happening. And sure enough, it felt like that the one time I did lean in and these other women that this end of a relationship freed up, it really allowed me to spend the time and, and give them my energy back. I started to, to recognize that where my energy was going with my ego being needed over here, it kept me from showing these other women really the true parts of me and they even can feel it, but they were still in it with me. So when this went down, instead of cutting these women off, which is what the old Tracy would have done when I was, you know, betrayed by a woman or never trusted him to begin with, I did the opposite. And you know what's happened since these other three friendships have ended. Not only has the right people showed up for me, the right people for this version of me, and who knows, like, there's no guarantee that any of these people will be lifetime people, but I'm committed to every day, to owning my part in the relationship, whether that's really, really great or not so great. Recognizing my pattern, making amends when I see them, right? If they're open to hearing it. I have made twice as much money since those friendships ended. And that's just the facts. I'm more creative, I have more energy, because I'm not so weighed down by the monotony of those relationships. Again, my part, totally my part. And health wise, I've dropped 15 pounds. I feel better than I have. I am leaning in, in real time. I am talking on the phone more, I am going places with people. All these beautiful things that my old pattern was holding me back from in these relationships. How do we deal with this? Like, how do we move forward if. If you're like me and one of the things you're most afraid of is being betrayed. And I don't care what enneagram type you are. That fucking hurts. It does hurt. And especially when you know, like everything you do, at least consciously, is coming from a place of integrity and greatest good. I honestly at the time didn't realize subconsciously I was still operating in fear and ego in those relationships, or at least one of them. And even energetically, when I knew it was over and not ending it like that wasn't a conscious thing until I'm looking at it from. From now. But I felt something wasn't right. And when we don't honor our intuition, our intuition and body never lies. And I knew a year ago. And that's the beauty and gift of the Enneagram. When we don't. When we don't know what's happening or when we. We don't listen to all the things. And even if you've been blindsided, you know, because I felt like I was blindsided, even though when I reverse engineered, I. I wasn't because I had a part in that, it doesn't make it easier. Why I'm so passionate about helping you integrate the Enneagram in your life is because how this situation would have looked a decade earlier. Holy crap. Would I have blown up my life? Would I have blown up their life? Well, would I have embarrassed myself online? Would I have taken some destructive behavior to. With the hurt and pain? All. Yes. All those things would have been a yes. I sat in that anger for about 10 minutes, and I leaned in all over the place in true vulnerability. And I have received more from that experience than I ever could have imagined from any betrayal that I've ever felt. Now, some of the other things that wouldn't have happened immediately, within days of the mean girl betrayal stuff, I sincerely went to a place of compassion. First for myself, also for these people. I really, really did. And instead of focusing on what was done to me, I focused on what this relationship gave to me and what beauty this person was and is in my life. Because those lessons from this relationship, whether we ever speak again or not, the beauty from this relationship and the things that I received. I can't speak for her, but I know what I learned about myself. And I also know what I received as a result of choosing to be all in. In an intimate, emotional relationship with a friend. I learned that I'm capable of vulnerability and it won't kill me. I learned that this person told me the importance of it, and I trusted her. And because I did, she was a beautiful practice for when the right people showed up that I actually could do it. Because had I not had this practice of intimacy emotionally with another woman when these three solid, beautiful, incredible, amazing, powerhouse women were there for me, I wouldn't have trusted it. But I had built that muscle enough to know that even though I built this muscle and I got kicked in the, in the freaking heat in the muscle of it, the, the meat of that muscle, I had worked that muscle enough to know that, okay, I have some solid people in my life, gonna, even though this is hurting, I'm gonna still lift and put the resistance on this and, and do it. And those three relationships are thriving and more powerful than ever. The biggest thing is recognizing that the work isn't, isn't done until we're dead. You know, I teach this stuff, I counsel people through this. I am a guide for many people. And none of this means that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, because I actually, this makes me more credible because in real time, I was able to use the very tools I teach that I model. It's just a new experience. Every new experience, every new relationship can reveal something new that needs to be addressed. And when we can meet that with compassion and empathy and grace and love first for ourselves and also for the people that do us dirty, that's when transformation happens. When we get to acceptance and it doesn't mean, well, them like, and it doesn't mean boundaries disregarding another human being, which is what kind of felt like was done to me, which is fine. Having boundaries and compassion and all the things and honor. When we can do those things, we get to acceptance and then what's next for us can make its way in. The fact of the matter is, is these kind of relationships that I really desired and I really wanted this person to be capable of. I was blocking the very thing that I wanted for my life. We do that in careers, we do that in romantic partnerships, we do it in friendships, we do it in, in all sorts of things in our life. We're afraid to let go of what's here and now until we know exactly what's lined up. That's not how this works. God, the universe, Source, the divine, can't move in what's for us until we make room for it. And the fact of the matter is, is these three relationships, no matter how painful it was, I needed them to go. Whether it was on my terms or not, it doesn't really matter at this point because when they got moved out, the right things showed up. Because I was open, I was honest, and I was willing to continue to lean into my own vulnerability, own my part, and grow from the process. I'm not saying blindsides are ever fun. And especially, you know, when it comes from the very people, especially in this growing space in the personal development world and the coaching industry. And like, you just don't expect people to, to not be who they say they're going to be. Most come by it innocently. Honestly, it's. I know this person didn't intend to have this go the way it did. Doesn't mean it hurt any less. And it doesn't mean what was done and said after the fact wasn't shitty. It was, it was. But I can choose to say I'm a victim and I had no part in it, or I can really take a beautiful, honest, compassionate look at my role in it and learn from it and move forward and be thankful for that person's part in my story. I really, really am. And if she's listening right now, which I doubt, I hope that she knows how grateful I was for her part in my story and, and whether she believes it or not, nothing I ever did was malicious or, or didn't do was malicious or to hurt anyone. And that doesn't make it okay because, you know, people's perspective is their truth. And I can't control what my children's perspective is, what my boyfriend's perspective is. My friends perspectives are we, we have to kind of be always willing to take a look at ourselves with kindness, honor and compassion so that we can move forward and be the best us for any given day in these relationships. And I felt like this needed to be said to many of you because most of you are in this entrepreneurial space or in this growing space, and especially as adults making friends and especially women, this can be really, really tricky and it can be lonely. And I'm not saying when this happened, it didn't feel lonely, even though I'm somebody who doesn't need a lot of people around when you have a mass exodus does not feel good. And I didn't go into my five cave, which you've heard me talk about. In fact, I, I got more active with people and you know, sometimes doing the opposite of what we've always done is exactly how we grow. And I just wanted to offer this to you because we're going into 2023 and taking an inventory of who's in your life and energetically what is and what isn't working for you, because even if you know energetically, it's not, but you're staying in it. It's sending off a vibe. And if you don't act on it, chances are you might get a blindside like I did. And I'm not saying I'm sad that it happened because I'm not. Sometimes some of us need to learn the hard way. Like me. But I don't recommend it. So the best thing you can do is. Is honor the intuition. Don't bypass it. You can speak kindness and love. Doesn't mean it's always going to be received that way. But you know you're making room for what's for you. And every part of the journey is required for you to be that next level of yourself. Coming into 2023, my hope is that I can help more of you do that. The Enneagram saved my ass through this year. 100% in all my interpersonal relationships. It's why I'm so passionate about helping you integrate it in your life. Getting typed properly and using this roadmap is really, really important. It's why I've worked really hard to bring my Enneagram blueprints to you. It's where you'll get Enneagram typed accurately. And you'll have your own customized 75 page sole blueprint so that you know exactly when something like this happens. Where you go, what this looks like, where the trigger is, what the BL blind spot is and how to move through it. You can go to traciomalley.com currently to get your copy. Go to the work with me section if you want to. Not only get your blueprint, but you want a 90 minute guidance period with me. It's seriously like having 10 years of really, really good eye opening. Honoring therapy. That's what I've been told before. Just like having any tool. Having a guide show you how to use it is seriously like the Fast pass at Disneyland. You definitely will want to gather that. Especially around the holidays when stuff tends to come up the most. Both of those options are available@traceeomalley.com and if you want me on speed dial every day for three plus months, you can fill out a one on one VIP coaching application. Literally only have one spot open. I have a full client load right now. Because this time of year it's just what happens. But yeah, blind sides are never easy. Ever. And we have a choice in how we are going to choose to what they mean to us and. And how we grow from them. It doesn't mean we bypass the hurt, sadness, the anger, any of it. But really using the tools and especially the tool of the Enneagram to move through it. To honor parts of us, to honor parts of them, even if we never speak to them again. But to move forward so that we can invite in everything that we desire. Everything that you deserve. It's always my honor to help guide you to that. Doesn't mean it's easier without pain, but I love to help you, see that, honor that in yourself, show you how to do it on your own and hold that kind of space for you. All right. As always, I am so grateful for you. I appreciate you. If this is resonating with you, I would love to hear how. If you've had some blind sides in this friendship, adult friendship space, I would love to hear more about it. I don't think it's fucking talked about enough. As always, I'm here to help you become the ultimate leader in your life. And until next time, I'm wishing you so much love and transformation. We'll talk soon.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula Podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.