EP299: Don't Go into Another Year NOT Being Anything but YOU! The Top 5 Ways to UNSTUCK Yourself

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Welcome to the Leadership Formula podcast, where.

You will learn the secret sauce behind achieving massive success.

I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, multimillion dollar entrepreneur, your Enneagram expert, master performance coach, and mom to millennials. Do you want deep, meaningful relationships? To wake up every day with purpose and make money doing something you love? Well, you've landed in the right place. Every week, I will teach you how.

To get exactly what you want in.

Life by strengthening your emotional intelligence. Using a combination of the Enneagram framework, live life coaching sessions, and real talk from yours truly, it's time to transform yourself into the ultimate leader of your life.

Let's do this thing.

Hey. Hey. Welcome back. Can you even believe 2022 is done in like three weeks? And I don't know about you, but I'm sure there are many of you listening right now that cannot wait. It's like, I am over it. New Year, let's bring it on. All the things some of you might had the best year of your life, some of you, like me, might be a combination of both, literally the hardest year of my life and also the best, quite honestly. And we can hold both simultaneously. And it's hard when you're in it to believe that it feels a little all over the place and. And I think there's this negative kind of outlook on feeling all over the place, but that is actually a good sign that you are living and feeling the full human experience. I am somebody who kind of has always lived in extremes, and so when I'm feeling extreme one way, I try to overcompensate in another. And instead of doing that, I've really learned how to let them all flow simultaneously. Now you might be thinking like, that is a little disruptive and. And yeah, it might be. And that might just be the thing that you need is a little disruption in what you think is normal or okay or acceptable. Sometimes we need to rock our own world in order to really transform our lives the way that we want. And I know with social media, Instagram, all the things that we see out in the world, it can be really confusing on how we show up as ourselves. And I know like you might be thinking like, really? No, it's not that for me. But let's just be real. It's a lot of it's subconscious, the things that we kind of operate in and what we do, whether it's on social media or even in your relationships. And that's where I have to really be careful, is in my relationships, not chameleon making Myself a chameleon into, you know, xyz, depending on the relationship. But I wanted to help you go into 2023 with some kind of tools. Obviously, you can listen to a podcast and hear the information and it all makes sense and cognitively you understand. But there's a fine line in all that information translating into transformation, and that's in the integration of it. Now you can hear this and start taking steps to do these things. And you might need a guide to take you through that. I'm somebody who is stubborn as, and I'm very resistant to some of these things, especially if no one's holding me accountable. Right. And whether it was a therapist, a coach, whatever, I usually took something that made me very, very uncomfortable to make the shift. So I wanted to help you go into another year. I won't let you go into another year not being anything but who you are, who you're designed to be, so that you can step into the calling that's on your life, so that you can live the life that you desire, the life that you deserve, so you can quit operating on default and really go into who you were designed to be. And so I'm going to share the top five ways to unstuck yourself today. And I use all five of these every single day. Every single day, I tap into these five things to help me get unstuck, because I don't care how much work you do. I teach this coach, this eight plus hours a day to individuals, families, teams, organizations. I mean, I'm paid pretty well to do what I do. And we are still all just very, very human, right? We are. We're very, very human. And, you know, if we don't see these things or understand where the blind spots can come up, that's where we get into this pattern of beating ourselves up, feeling stuck, all the things. All right, so number one, and this is the premise of the work I do, this is why I love the Enneagram. Because if you have a few decades under your, this might be really, really challenging. As simple as it might seem, it really isn't. It's complicated. It's. You're complex, all of it. So know yourself. Know yourself. Not the facade you put on, not what you show the gram, not even maybe how you show up in your most interpersonal relationships, right? This was a huge eye opening for me over a decade ago when I woke up at 40 years old and I'm like, who the hell am I? I don't even know who the hell I am. And I had slipped into all these patterns that stemmed early, early on in my life. You know, from growing up in an alcoholic home to, you know, having a mom who's lovely, but emotionally not capable of leading me the way that I so desired. From traumas of, you know, the alcohol addiction in my household, to sexual assaults, to my own struggles with disordered eating and codependency and anger, and you name it, ins. Your. Your thing. And so when I got to the age of 40, trying to figure out who I am and reverse engineer how I got here and figure out how I move forward, in order to really move forward, for it to be sustainable, for it to stick, for it to feel really good, you have to fully know yourself with very clear lenses. And it's why I not only fell in love with the Enneagram, but have made it my life's. My life's work, moving forward so that I could help more of you. Now, what does that mean? You see the Enneagram out there, you're like, yeah, I know my type, but what the hell? What does that mean? How does that tap into my inner child? How does that unstuck myself? How does that do all the things right? It is just a roadmap. It is just a compass. It really, really is. I believe that we were all designed with a unique, beautiful calling on our life, with a unique personality and disposition. And I've carried babies in my belly, and I know this to be true carrying those two babies. They were very, very different. And out in the world, they could not be more different. But then through our lives, we get exposed to experiences, family dynamics, cultures, environments, experiences that can alter how that gets expressed. And if you're like me and have quite a few decades under your belt, like, when you wake up and you're, like, not happy, not feeling fulfilled, you have good people in your life, and you just feel like you're kind of going through the motions. You're never going to be able to create and design the life that you desire and deserve when you're in that. And getting back to who we are, our soul blueprint, before life kind of got a hold of us. And you could have had a great upbringing. It doesn't have to be something terrible, right? But if you're feeling blah or like you're not stepping into that version of yourself that you know is inside of you, or you're not feeling fulfilled, you're stuck. And the Enneagram gave me a beautiful, unique perspective without the shame attached to it, which I'll get to in a second. That Allowed me to see myself for who I am. All the beauty, all the gifts, all the superpowers, and my blind spots where I struggle, where I'm not as strong. And I didn't use that to say, well, I'm just a piece of crap. I'm just going to stay this way. But the Enneagram really gave me some framework for me, unique to me, that I could leverage all those things and also know where my zone isn't and be okay with it. There is so much freedom in. In knowing where you're strong and where you're not. Yes. Could I improve where I'm not strong? Yes. Do I? Yes. But is it ever going to be super easy for me to be where I. I'm not strong? No, it's not. And that's where, you know, you build support. Help. Which, if you're like me, that's really, really challenging. But the Enneagram allowed me to look at having support in my life in a who way. I promise you, you are not meant to do this by yourself. My Enneagram fives. My Enneagram 8, specifically. And I know this can apply to all Enneagram types, but Fives and Eights typically have the hardest time in that support, having that support. So using the Enneagram is life changing in really knowing yourself. And there's a catch. And I'll get to that. Which is number two. Number two is you gotta say, see it as shame. You have to. You have to. Now, my twos, threes and fours carry that right there. You know, the twos, threes and fours, that's their underlying first go to emotion. How that looks for each one looks very different. Now, all the other six Enneagram types absolutely carry shame. We absolutely do. But shame serves no good. Shame will keep you stuck. Shame every single time keeps you stuck. Now, shame also feels like a best friend sometimes. Because staying stuck might be the very thing that keeps you safe. Right? I know, like up in your conscious mind, you can't stand it, right? But subconsciously, there's a part of you that holds on to shame. Myself included. To maybe not shine your bright light. To maybe not venture out into the unknown. Maybe it's what was taught, told, and modeled for you. Shame serves absolutely no good. But to act like a compass with a minute, I feel a shame hit come. I use the framework of the Enneagram to not stay stuck in it. I know there's an underlying feeling something's been triggered. There's a deeper level of healing that needs to happen. But when we start staying in that shame spiral, there is not much that will come out of it until you pause. So refer back to number one. Know yourself. Understand your Enneagram type. And if you don't know what that means, you can go get your Enneagram blueprint right now. You get accurate Enneagram typing. I've worked decade on this to make sure that I bring you the proper information. It's over 95% accurate, and I feel really, really great about it. And I've developed a customized 75 page Enneagram Soul blueprint just for you. So you have your actual roadmap. Rem. Old days of like the atlases and. And you're going to think I'm a little crazy, but I used to read maps and I've gotten made fun of it because I love just reading maps. That's probably why I love the Enneagram so much, because it is like this framework, this roadmap for my soul. So when you understand yourself, you understand where the shame is coming from. What's the motive behind it so you don't have to go down that rabbit hole. I'm telling you right now, the minute shame hits, I'm in my framework and I'm understanding and I know where this is probably Ro. What fear did it just ignite? What is the motive behind this shame? Now, it takes work, and sometimes shame feels really comfortable. I know that sounds really up, but it is for so many of us. It's familiar. It's familiar. But it will keep you from everything that you want for your life. You will not transform your life the way you want. If you want to hold on to shame. And I know you're not intentionally holding onto it. So here we go. Number three. Connect the dots right? We hear, don't live in the past. You're not going that way. I agree. I agree. But you have to reverse engineer and connect the dots to see how you got here. If shame is your best friend, we have to look backwards not to stay stuck, not to pile on more shame, but to reverse engineer how we got here, right? Have you ever lost something and you can't remember where you put it? And you have to like, retrace your steps. This is what that's for. This is what that's for. Now some people retrace their steps and. And pull on more baggage. That's not gonna serve you. The Enneagram also helps you connect the dots and understand, like, oh, now I see why it had to go this way. Now I see why. When I Made this decision, this happened and this happened and this happened. Again, not to pile on more shame. This is just intel. This is just understanding. This is to be looked at through the eyes of compassion and empathy. If you were helping a friend or a child or a partner or a client through this process, you wouldn't say, you know what, you should feel really shitty about yourself. Maybe you do, and that's a whole nother story. But I want you to really, really look at connecting the dots through compassionate eyes, through. Of course you did it that way. You were afraid. Think about talking to a four year old child and they're afraid. Would you tell them they're a piece of shit for running scared? No, but a lot of the things that have connected the dots were fears that were ingrained in you early, early on, or some needs that weren't met or some things that were taught, told and modeled for you that changed the expression of your soul. Blueprint. Right? And so we have to reverse engineer so that we can kind of clear some of the wreckage that has been piled on so that you can be that divine person that you've always wanted to be. I'm always connecting the dots, Always, always, always with kindness, with compassion. It didn't always look that way. I would always look at the past and be like, you piece of shit. See, this is why this doesn't work for you. Da la la la. You can' it if you're piling on shame, anger, ego, right? You can't. And so, you know, really looking at it through a different kind of lens. Number four, having a perspective shift. You know, those beliefs that we have been ingrained in us since about the 4 or 5, 6, 7 year old age range have been dictating our lives and, and our belief system, right? So something happens, something's taught, told or modeled for us, we build a belief around that and then we go out seeking evidence and then our perspective is guarding that evidence, right? It's like, this is our fact, this is our fact. And one of the hardest things I've had to do in reconnecting the dots is shifting and redesigning the belief system. Right? I used to believe that in order to be worthy of love from a romantic partner, I had to be accommodating, I had to be accessible and I had to be available 20, 24, 7. Now that belief was instilled in me as a four year old and the messaging that came from my dad. And so my perspective in every romantic relationship moving forward was that, was that be accessible, accommodating and available 24 7. And although my ego really liked it, eventually resentment kicked in and that anger exploded. So I know this, I understand this cognitively. Yet when I was in those relationships, sure enough, it happened. So the perspective had to shift and I needed to redesign the belief. Redesign. And that doesn't just come by doing affirmations and saying, oh, this is how I feel differently. Moving forward, you have to really go in and feel. It feels so scary. Even though it's everything that you want to change, to do that takes some time, it takes some pain. It isn't just understanding, it is feeling. And many of you are operating neck down, dead right, you're gathering all this information and intel and you're doing the podcast and reading the books and, and all the things, but that's all like intellectual, that's all above the neck. And many of you are afraid to feel the grief that comes with, oh my God. For 40 years I held onto this belief and it's kept me stuck. Today, we are going to do it differently. And I want you to envision pulling that little four year old up on your lap and saying, I know that this is how we've always done things and I know this is what was taught told and modeled for us and we're going to do it differently. And I know it's going to be scary and I know the unknown might freak you out and you might want to go back to what we know, but we aren't doing that anymore. And I've got your back and I'm not going anywhere. The other thing about perspective shift is how we do that is by being honest, open and willing, right? When we have a perspective that's different from somebody, whether it's somebody you are watching on Instagram or a child or your partner or friends or just whatever, honest. When, when you strongly disagree with somebody, it's an opportunity to grow. So especially like in the climate of the world right now, there's so much personal opinions being slewed out there and with social media, I mean, we are inundated with hearing what people think all the time. Remember the days when we just used to have conversations with people without like this intel and this insight into their brains through social media, I'm not saying it's necessarily a bad thing, but usually when we're triggered by somebody's opinion, right? This is a beautiful opportunity to look inward, right? So when I'm kind of feeling a little bit of that rumble when I'm disagreeing with somebody, whether it's personal or you Know out in the world. First thing is how honest. Honest. I'm honest with myself. Why does this bother me so much that they think differently? What does their opinion? Why does that scare me or why does that upset me? Or. Or, or what? And again, reverse engineer Enneagram I can kind of understand. Oh, especially if I'm upset and angry. Usually it's like something to do with something that motivates me or the biggest fear that I have is an enneagram. 8. Right. Part two in that of how openness, honesty, like be honest with myself. This disrupted me, this upset me. Why? Okay, let's figure out openness. Like can we open up our minds to hear a different perspective, to learn from another person? We don't have to agree with it, but if we're so close minded, we're going to miss the miracles that can happen for us. Right? And shifting perspective is the key in all of this and the w in the how is willingness, willingness to maybe look in a different direction or change our mind, God forbid, one of the greatest gifts I have gotten and one of the reasons for my rapid accelerated transformation. It doesn't feel accelerated. It's been 22 years in the making. But I understand that on the surface, can look very accelerated is my willingness to change my mind and to be unapologetic about it. What I believed maybe six years ago, five years ago has changed. It doesn't mean that when I felt that at the time, it wasn't authentic and true for me. But I've had a perspective shift and an open mind and I've been more honest with myself. I've, you know, connected the dots. I've gone deeper, I've let go of shame. I've used the framework and elegantly moved through it. You do that, you will have a perspective shift. And where perspective shifts, growth happens. Number five, and this is probably the hardest thing for us all, is vulnerability. Now, I'm going to preface this. I say this a lot, like, people will hear me share parts of my story. You've heard me share almost 300 episodes of my story. And that isn't vulnerability. That isn't. That's storytelling.

Real vulnerability involves community. And I don't mean like a huge squad or anything like that, but it involves another person. It involves maybe a guide that you've paid. I had to start with that. I honestly, I could not practice vulnerability with somebody that I didn't owe, quite honestly. And many of you might feel that way, and that's okay. It started with therapists and coaches for Me. And only in the last probably half a decade did I really, really, in real time, lean into anyone without a value exchange. As far as a financial value exchange. For a lot of us, it's. It's hard to be vulnerable in real time. And what that means is leaning in and expressing fears hurts in real time without having the answers all figured out. A lot of times I would share what appeared to be vulnerable, but I already had it figured out. I already had it figured out and didn't really need you for anything, right? When we lean into somebody and we have it already figured out, we don't necessarily need them. Vulnerability is relying on somebody when we don't have it figured out, or looking messy when we don't have it figured out, or not sure, not being sure how it's going to turn out. And for so many of us, being vulnerable nicks and reopens some of our biggest wounds and our biggest fears. But it's necessary in order for us to grow and to have the actual support that we deserve, that we desire. We all need it. Trust me, as an enneagram8, everything in my being wanted to avoid needing or relying anyone at all costs. In fact, it was about a year ago I had this conversation with somebody and if you listen to the Blind Sides series that I did regarding adult friendships, I remember saying to this person, I will never fully rely on you for anything. And I know that that was like the writing on the wall for that relationship. And I meant it because I. I knew that I couldn't trust my most vulnerable places with this person, but I had been exercising it in other areas. So I knew that it wasn't just me unwilling to be vulnerable, but I had to clear the way of the people in my life that I couldn't be fully vulnerable with so that I could really honor the relationships where I could. And for many of you, you might have people around you where you don't feel like you can be vulnerable. There's lots of people clapping for you and it's very noisy, but at the end of the day, you feel empty. And for a lot of the years of my life, I had a lot of people in my life. Yet at the end of the day I was like, do they even really know me? And a lot of that is my responsibility and the fact that I had chosen people that wouldn't require me to be next level vulnerable. And in fact, the more vulnerable I got with certain people, the more they left because, you know, they couldn't handle that level of truth and uncertainty. And the courage that I showed in doing.

Took a lot of courage for me to say to somebody, I'm never going to fully rely on you. Because, you know, even though I wasn't maybe fully consciously aware of what I was doing at the time, it was basically me saying to this person, this relationship, this is, this is the, this is where it ends. And you know, being vulnerable when that relationship ended and leaning into the people that I know and I had discerned could hold that space for me has been life changing and has accelerated everything about my life. Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, in every way. And this is the top five things that I do daily, daily to be my most authentic self. It's probably why you're drawn to me or repelled by me is because I. I am who I am. Whether you meet me out in the grocery store or on a stage in front of thousands of people, I am the same person. And when are the are who you are authentically designed to be day in and day out, guess what? You have unlimited supply of energy because it isn't so exhausting all the time trying to be something that you're not or try to fit this mold or, you know, whatever that looks like for you. So I wanted to give you the five things that I do every single day to stay unstuck. Now here's the catch. Like, you can't just do them once and be like, cool, I got it. Just like anything in building any muscle, it takes an unconditional commitment to the process and being consistent. And when I say every day these five things get incorporated into my life, I'm not kidding. Every day for 10 years, at some level, these five things are addressed in every situation, every moment, every decision I make, one of these five things are coming up. And I use this and with the Enneagram as framework to stay unstuck so that I can live the life that I have designed and the divine had designed for me and feel like I am making an impact and stepping into my purpose. And if that is something that you're looking at the end of 2022, like, I need that. I don't know what the hell's happened to this year. But you know, maybe you've been exposed and had a mass exodus of people in your life like I have. And it's hurtful, but you also know it's for your greatest good. But where do you go from here? You can start by getting your Enneagram blueprint. Again, it is information, knowing what to do with it. Take your time with it, you know, I've spent a decade using this tool in my life and integrating it and learning more about it and learning more and integrating, learning more and integrating and being messy with it in those early, early years. But it is a beautiful compass map roadmap for your soul. It really, really is. So that you can start leaning into who you were always designed to be. You can go to Tracey O' Malley.com Like I said, this is a 95% and more accuracy in getting typed. You will also understand your instinctual response to life. The subtype which is very, very much not addressed in all those online assessments. Mine does that for you. So not only will you understand your core enneagram type, you will understand your instinctual response to life. You the wings, which are some of the greatest tools in your tool belt. Like the biggest underrated superheroes of your life. The lines, which also create extra tools for you. How to use the Enneagram in your life. How not to use the Enneagram in your life. Your blind spots, your coping mechanisms, the core fears, the core motives. So that you can start reverse engineering, connecting the dots, saying goodbye to shame. Really knowing yourself. Shift your perspectives and lean into vulnerability in a way you never have before. This is the key to transforming your life. You can go to traciomalley. Com the Work with Me section. You can get your Enneagram blueprint right now and you'll have a 75 page customized blueprint sent to you within just a few days. It's amazing. Now if you want like the guide or the fast pass, then you can book a 90 minute session with me. Power, power in 90 minutes and we can talk about your Enneagram. We can talk about other stuff. We can do whatever you want in those 90 minutes. It's like 10 years of f therapy. This is what they've told me. I'm not a therapist, but it's like holy. You'll never feel more seen in your life. And for some of you, that might not be what you want. It's kind of scary. But if you're unwilling to be seen, this might not be for you, right? But if you know you have something inside of you that is sleeping, that is ready to come out, then book a 90 minute power session. Now if you know like you want the ultimate guidance experience, like having me in your back pocket every single day, fill out an application for my VIP private one on one coaching. I am pretty stacked this time of year is when my client level is full. I literally probably I've already extended myself I probably have room in my capacity for one more. I have a very large capacity to serve because of the things I just shared with you and that's why I have have boundless amounts of energy at 50 years old. But if you are feeling the call and I promise you in 2023 the opportunities to have me in your back pocket will be shifting not just in the container of it, but the investment of it. If you felt called to do it, now is the time. Go to traciomelly.com, the work with me section, fill out the application if you know you're ready and have no excuses to hold you back. And I understand for a lot of you you might not be ready for that. And I get it. If I saw me come in I'd run for me too sometimes. So I get it. But everything to help you with these five things to unstuck yourself and go into 2023 being everything you are, always you were always designed to be, and living that life by design is waiting for you. As always, it's an honor and privilege and seriously, I take what I do very very seriously and guiding you I don't take lightly. So thank you for trusting me with your journey. Thank you for giving your most precious commodity and that is time. In listening over the last three years we are almost on episode 300 unreal. But I take it very very seriously and I'm just so thankful, thankful, thankful for you. Wishing you much love and transformation in your life. Until next time.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Leadership Formula Podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me directly on Instagram at traceomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracy oalley.com I'm excited to lead you into the next level of your life.