EP301: The Fine Line Between Compassion and Codependency. Use The Enneagram to Honor Your Relationships

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Hello. Welcome back to another episode. This week we are talking some feelings. And whether you listen for professional reasons or personal reasons, if you have been following along, you know that I believe they're all kind of intertwined. And the more that we can elegantly flow personally and professionally, the more energy, the more we can feel fulfilled and really in that zone of all the things juicy in life. And you know, I use the tool of the Enneagram as the compass for a lot of things. And I'm going to be doing another episode on how that keeps me rooted in my faith and what that looks like. But you know, one of the things that comes up a lot, even when I am professionally coaching corporate executives, CEO, you name it, a lot of times there's this element of feeling responsible for other people's feelings, right? And regardless of the Enneagram type you are, there is an element of that that can sneak right in. Now, we all know the enneagram 2, the helper typically are the obvious culprits in this and they come by it so innocently a lot of the times, right? That's why I love the tool of the Enneagram because it really helps you beeline where this is rooted for you through the lens of compassion for yourself, right? A lot of you might beat yourself up when you care what other people think, or you take over responsibility for people's feelings and happiness and joy and all of the things, right? But when we really understand what's at the root of that, this is where we can find understanding, compassion and change for each and every one of us so that we can stop that pattern. You know, I don't look like the typical over giver. Quite honestly, most people that have decided to exit my life would say that I'm probably very cold abandoning and I don't give a enough. And that couldn't be further from the truth. And I understand that their perspective is probably very, very real for them. And I'm not going to minimize that or their experience or their journey or anything. But a lot of times what happens. And I'm just going to speak from my own experience, because as an enneagram8, I like to be the rock and the strength and the solid one. That is where I know my strengths are, but it's also where I kind of shield up and armor up to keep from being vulnerable. Right. And regardless of what Enneagram type you are, there's an element of this for you. So a lot of times, because I like to be seen as strong, you know, that's the. The soul food of the enneagram8 is wanting to be strong and powerful and not vulnerable. A lot of times how this can sneak into my life is because I can have that flexing hero kind of role in people's life that has me being responsible for how other people feel. And a lot of times, if I'm not careful, it can create this codependent bond, which means they don't believe could do what they do without me. And I also feel like in order for them to be happy or feel strong or protected, they need me. Right. That creates this element of inauthenticity. And like I said, a lot of us come by it so innocently. And I've had to really be mindful because it is sneaky. And this is where that nature and nurture part of the Enneagram come in. Right. And using this beautiful tool as a compass, I know that everything I do is motivated by this desire to be strong and powerful and not be put in a vulnerable situation. And so when I, energetically, can feel shifts in relationships. And if you haven't listened to, like the last series I did on the blind sides, I talk about this in the adult friendship 1. If I'm not careful, this can sneak in. But the minute energetically you feel something's off, you can use the tool of the Enneagram to kind of figure out where this is, where this is coming from. Right. We don't want to stay stuck or wallow in the past. Absolutely. I am not a fan of that. However, we have to be able to acknowledge, connect the dots and reflect back on kind of how this pattern has gotten us here. Right. And same thing as a parent. Right. Obviously, you know, it is our job to create a loving, compassionate environment that helps, helps the littles that we choose to raise to be great character filled, beautiful character filled. You know, humans out in the World. However, it is not our responsibility to tell anyone what they feel or what they should feel. And I know as a parent, this is really, really hard. And being a parent, I gotta say, is probably one of the most humbling and triggering things of all time and the most beautiful, beautiful experience. It's my favorite thing in the world. It's my favorite role in this lifetime is being the mom to Casey and Joey. And that being said, their feelings are not my responsibility. Right. I was talking with somebody very close to me over the weekend, and they're in a relationship that is beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I do believe that they're a great match, right? And there's this one pattern that keeps coming up. And when I was talking with her, you know, her walking on eggshells around this person at certain times has her minimizing not only her feelings, but feeling like she has to control herself in order for this person's feelings and emotions to stay in check. Now, there is a huge, huge difference between compassion, having compassion for somebody who's struggling, and codependency. And it is a fine line that so many of you are operating in that you, you aren't even aware. And, and I want you to know I'm meeting you with zero judgment. Because even somebody that coaches people, high level people, people just like you, and consistently kind of in my own work and compassion for myself, this can sneak up on me as well. And this is why when I have the tool, the Enneagram, I can kind of catch it a lot faster and keep me rooted in my faith and love and honor and all those things. But when you feel like it is your responsibility to dictate how other people feel about something, you are cutting yourself off. You're cutting your authenticity, you're cutting your intuition off, you're cutting off your relationship with a divine power, whether that's God, the universe, however you identify that, that divine knowing, all of that gets blocked. It's like this energetic tourniquet. It really sucks when you catch it. This is where, you know, if you're somebody that carries a strong faith, this is where shit gets sideways for you, right? We are not here to play God. You know, we are not here to play God. People are on their own journeys. And I say this a lot, just because we can do something doesn't mean we always should. Because we rob people of their, their process. We enable people. And if you really are somebody, whether it's a parent, a partner, a friend, a coach, somebody who gives a shit about humanity, sometimes it is not our job to call everything out sometimes. It is not our job to make things easy for people. And this is probably why a lot of the people in my life have decided to leave sometimes. And I'm okay with that. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean it's not comfortable. It's so uncomfortable knowing that people out there in this world really don't like me very much. The enneagram 8 in me, of course, is like them, you know, but like, I'm still a freaking human being and I still have feelings. And I know you do too. I'm not saying any of this is easy, but if you truly are somebody committed to using your experience not in a self righteous way, right, and not in a judgmental way, and this is where checking yourself is really, really important. What's your motive here? What's your motive here? Again, the tool of the Enneagram really helps you keep all of this shit in check. But it's not always our job. It isn't. And that doesn't mean we care any less. And sometimes we have to lead people down the harder road. You know, I'm somebody that has walked a journey of consistent recovery. And I do believe we're all in a process of recovering from something. It's not always a substance. It's not always food or, or alcohol or sex or, you know, something that we can see. A lot of times it's with people. And that's why codependency, I believe, is one of the hardest things to break even professionally. There's a lot of you coaches and entrepreneurs out there that have this element of codependency in your own business, right? And it's robbing all of you from what you're here to do. When we enable this because we want temporary harmony or we want to be loved and appreciated, or we want certainty, or we want significance, or we want independence and autonomy and not having to rely on somebody. This is where things go sideways. And you will end up energetically bankrupting yourself. You'll end up robbing the people that you care about, that you love, that you lead of growing to the magnitude of which they are here to do. Right? It's hard because I think so. So many of us, including you, have been conditioned a lot of times, whether it was how you grew up, what you're watching on, you know, social media, what the narrative is, the social conditioning, whatever that is. I think we're all conditioned to play nice in the sandbox at all times. And I know all my enneagram eights out there are thinking right now, like, yeah, em, like, I don't care what people think. And like, true, like, at the end of the day, you might not, but we are all still human beings. And if you're here to make an impact in your homes and your businesses and out in the world, this part is really required. You have to understand there's a fine line between having compassion for somebody and elegantly taking a step back versus enabling. Many of you are enabling. You really, really are. And a lot of you are doing it to feel okay with yourself, to maybe not even take full responsibility for your part in things, right? We all have a part in any kind of relational dynamic. We have a part, right? It's really, really crazy sometimes. We always have a part. Now, again, I'm going to preface this. I say it all the time. This is not permission or something to use as an excuse for any kind of abusive behavior or anything like that. But a lot of times when we start feeling responsible for other people's feelings, what follows that is resentment and frustration and anger and sadness and not enoughness. And the truth is you have a choice. You have a choice. When you stop feeling responsible for other people's feelings and happiness, though, especially if you've been doing it in your relationships personally and professionally, this is going to disrupt the dynamic. And any kind of disruption is a beautiful catalyst for change. If you choose to look at it this way now, deciding tomorrow that, all right, this is the day that I am not going to be responsible for anybody else's feelings, although that sounds like a great idea, it takes a lot of practice to do this more elegantly. And I'm telling you right now that as somebody who has really actively done this for 10 years, it still doesn't get any easier sometimes. And the disruption it causes isn't. Isn't always fun. And I'm not saying like it's. It's not possible to have a beautiful experience in this. I have many, much evidence that shows that when I do operate in this, you know, it goes very, very well. My kids are a perfect example of that. Right? But this is where, knowing my intention behind it, what's my motive? Using my beautiful nine wing, how can I elegantly express this in a way that it can be received? Are my intentions pure? Is this coming from a loving and honoring place? And if I can say yes to all of those things, I'm going to move forward with some really strong boundaries and no enabling, right? And here's the part where it gets tricky Is we. We can't always take responsibility for where people are at in their journey or their level of personal accountability. I think so often you will try and defend and make your point and try to make them understand. And the fact is, is the person on the other end may never understand if they are not willing to take their own personal.

And no matter how skilled you are and no matter how much you've practiced this and no matter how much of a loving place this is all coming from, they still may not receive it and they may still see you as the bad guy and they may still think you're an asshole or a narcissist or whatever other label they choose to put against it. And that's not easy to deal with. But it is required for you to really honor this journey in your life, for you to be able to step into, into that part of who you are. You can do all of this with compassion and kindness and gentleness and tenderness. You can. Again, it's not always going to be received that way. And if you know that it is coming from all the beautiful places, then you're going to have to deal with that. Not easy. It's the hardest part in all the journey. I'm telling you right now, no matter how much I do this and no matter how much I coach this, it is still one of the hardest things. Because our history, you know that that old conditioning, it is very, very like muscle memory is no joke when it comes to this. And especially if it is tipping and touching and scraping the biggest wound and the biggest fear of your Enneagram type, there, there's going to be a side of you that comes out or projects or defends or shuts down that robs you and the people that you love and lead from who you are. Right. And I know that you want to stop doing that. I do. I have been working so much lately with my one on one clients. I have a full load right now. And a lot of them are the very assertive types on the Enneagram. Some of them are not. But I think especially if you are one of the more assertive types like the threes, the sevens, the eights, the ones. I mean, this can apply to all Enneagram types. I think you have recognized where you have judged people because you have felt responsible for their feelings and that is your part in it. And when you have this realization, once you see it, you can't unsee it. And for those of you that maybe have the other end of that, where you do, maybe you feel needy Maybe you feel like you're waiting for somebody to rescue you. And all of these are, are all equal in this kind, unhealthy pattern in their life. When you see this and you want to change it, but you don't know how, or you read something, or you go to an event, or you listen to a podcast, even this podcast, and you're like, yes, I want to change it. To use this tool in your life, sometimes you need a guide, right? I have been using this tool for 10 plus years at this point, and I've had guides along the way, right? But the real guide comes in integrating in this, this in your life. And it's been messy. Let me tell you. I many of you want to use this tool and the first step in doing so is being typed properly. And it's why I have really spent time and effort to make sure that what I brought you in, an assessment is accurate. I've done thousands of typing interviews, thousands, thousands of interviews with people to really master the craft and knowing what works and how I can, you know, with total confidence, give you your correct Enneagram type. And there's lots of schools of thoughts on typing, and I'm not negating any of those. But as somebody who is an integrator and has used this personally and professionally with people for 10 years, I'm okay saying this. So that's why I've created the Enneagram blueprint for you. And not only will you get typed properly, including giving you what both of your wings mean. Yes, you have two wings, not just one, you have two. Your lines. Where you go in stress, where you go in growth, how to use both of them in a beautiful way. I talk about your subtype, which is your instinctual response and your instinctual variant, and how that comes into play and how that is probably the number one reason why most people are mistyped. Because this is where, you know, our life experience can come and change the expression of that divine core, beautiful essence that we are. And I teach you and, and show you how to use it. I give you the roadmap. How to use this in your life, how not to use this in your life. Go get your blueprint right now. Honestly, it is like a handbook to kind of help you when all hell's breaking loose, remember? And really reverse engineer how you got here with compassion, with empathy, with grace, with kindness for yourself and for other people. When you're doing this for yourself, it is a hell of a lot easier to walk this talk with other people. You can go get your blueprint today. It also makes a beautiful, beautiful gift. Any of your people in your life that are obsessed with growing or self awareness, they're on a journey. This is a beautiful, beautiful gift to give them. It's a 75 page customized blueprint for you based on your Enneagram type with your subtype and all the other things. Honestly, I don't know where would be in my walk with God without the Enneagram. I don't know where I would be in my recovery walk and my sobriety without the Enneagram. I don't know where I would be as a mom of a 25 and a 26 year old here in a couple days without the Enneagram. I certainly know I would not be the kind of coach, friend, partner, woman in this world without having the tool of the Enneagram. It would be a lot messier. I'm not saying it's the end all, be all. It's not. But it keeps me rooted in my faith. It keeps me rooted in my body, it keeps me in compassion, which Lord knows the world needs. And I know you do too. You can get your blueprint today@tracy o'malley.com the work with me section, it's there now. There are two other options currently that can help you with that. Sometimes spending 90 minutes with the guide is super helpful, right? Like it's one thing to read about it and to try and make sense of it in your head, but sometimes just 90 minutes with me can really help propel and accelerate that transformation and understanding of using this beautiful growth tool in your life personally and professionally. You can also do that@traceyomalley.com my VIP one on one clients. I am full right now. But if you want to get on board for the new year with the 2022 investment cost I you go fill that out now because in 2023 it's changing just because I the demand and my my calendar is so full but it's where you have next level integration. It's like having the guide with you 247 in your back pocket to really get skilled and understanding how this tool works in real life situations in all areas of your life, personally and professionally. We we go through it all and my work, I know I feel really freaking honored to do it. It is my purpose and passion colliding to be able to use not only my experience but this beautiful tool of the Enneagram and teaching so many of you how to use it in your life. It is an honor and it's a role I I take super, super high responsibility, not of your feelings, but you know, to stay in integrity to, you know, teach you what that looks like for your life. All three of those options are available@traceyomalley.com the work with me section. Like I said, in 2023, the offerings that I have to work with me are going to change. I'm going to be offering some beautiful workshops for the individuals. You know, a lot of I do a lot of workshops for teams and families and groups and organizations, but I know there's a lot of you out there that want to be part of a group situation and learn from other people, but maybe you're riding this solo. I'm not going to do like a membership, I'm not going to do like group coaching. But once a month I'm going to be offering workshops where you can come in and learn about all the other enneagram types in real life from other people that maybe aren't in your life. It's very cool. Some of the best learning I've ever done is hot seat coaching amongst a group, even when I'm not asking the questions. So I'm going to be doing that in 2023 and many, many other things. But if you are being called to do some kind of work with me, whether it's getting your blueprint, doing a 90 minute power session with me, or having me in your back pocket for a few months, don't sleep on this. It's going to be changing not just how that looks, but also the investment to do so. And I'm not one of those that's like, oh, get it now, get it now. I'm not like that. I'm just speaking honestly. My calendar is getting pretty maxed out. I have got probably the fullest load of clients that I've had in my history of coaching and I can handle it. But I want to be able to continue to serve at the highest level. And so you know, this is what's required. So I really want you to know that this is the hardest part of the journey as a professional, as an entrepreneur, as a mom, as a friend, as a partner, as a dad, a whatever that looks like for you. This is the hardest part of the journey when we take and feel responsible for other people's feelings and their happiness. We can do this without that dysfunctional, unhealthy bond and pattern and we can do it with kindness and compassion and empathy and grace. It is a slippery kind of messy road, but it is my honor to be able to walk this with you in the trenches of life. Because I know that you are called to do mighty beautiful things in this world and you deserve to be living the life that you desire. You really, really do. And I know that when we are in our true essence and who we were always designed to be, all of this gets easier. The flow, the creativity, the abundance, the money, the love, the sex, all the things, all the juicy parts of life can flow when you are operating at your true honoring self. And yeah, I know this, this year has been a hard one for many of you and I'm thinking about you. I'm here to help you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me know that this work that I do out in the world is helping you. Thank you for sharing it. Please continue to share it. If if this has landed on you in a way that helps you, if you have especially been helped by it, or you love what you've been hearing over the last three years of this podcast, it would mean the world to me if you left a review on any of the platforms that you listen to. And as always, I'm here to help you become that ultimate leader in your life so that you can step into everything that you've always wanted to do. And until next time, you guys, I love you. I'm wishing you so much like love and transformation in your life. Foreign.

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