EP308: You’re Not as Aware as You Think You Are—How to Change That Using the Enneagram

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you.

You need to know all about it.

So here you are.

But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place.

Lead with the Enneagram is the show.

Where you will actually learn how to.

Use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into.

It well over a decade ago.

Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership. Sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding.

Of how to help you implement this.

Into your life instead of it just.

Being some fun thing you heard about.

The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate.

Way, and then help you lead others.

That way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of Breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hello.

We are in the second week of the new year.

Has it faded already? All that excitement, all the adrenaline, all the goals, all the things that you said you were planning on doing. Has the enthusiasm wore off? Have the people in your life told you how crazy you are? All of the things. Maybe you're triggered as hell right now because social media is, like, caught on fire right now because, you know, this beginning of the new year, new excitement. We don't need a calendar in order to do these things, but sometimes we just do it this way. And. And I wanted to talk today about self awareness and how we show up, because I know if you're listening to this podcast, you're somebod that is into growth. You've raised your hand and said, I am here for growth. I'm here for transformation. I want to live my best life. I want to do all the things I want to level up right? And some of you really do think you're very, very self. Aware. And I'm not judging at all. I thought I was really self aware 15 years ago. You've heard the term millions of times and it sounds great and it's absolutely something that we could all use a little bit more of. But there's some research out there that shows that even when we do see ourselves clearly, we don't always have an accurate view of what that looks like. And you know, the Enneagram absolutely can bring a level of self awareness, but it isn't just understanding the information. And I think a lot of times we think self awareness is just our experiences and that isn't always the case. Right. It's more about understanding how we respond to experiences where we get triggered. And I don't care how self aware you are, you will get triggered. And knowing what to do with that, not just for yourselves, but the real flex is understanding when you're in the middle of being triggered by someone, what that might mean for them. There's actually two parts to everything. And when you go into judgment or justification or any of these things that really kind of keep you self sabotaging, procrastinating, holding back, putting up walls, numbing out, you name it. So you actually may not be as self aware as you think you are. Because, you know, when we see ourselves clearly, like really clearly, we are more confident, we are more creative, we, our health is better, we make sounder decisions, we have stronger relationships with people that actually can have your back. You can communicate more effectively, energetically. You have unlimited supplies of that energy when you are really self aware, because you will recognize when it's time for you to say something and when it's not. This is something that has completely changed my life. So I kind of wanted to give you guys a little pep talk today because as we're moving into the second week of the new year, like I said, things might be wearing off. It might be old already. So what is it that you're looking for in yourselves? What exactly are you becoming more aware of? What is self awareness? Right. The reality is, is most people believe they are self, aware, but only about 10 to 15% of you actually fit that criteria. So, you know, we don't always learn from our experience, but we may go through life thinking we're highly experienced without putting in the time and the work to really do this self awareness homework. Right. And especially if you grew up in a where, you know, there was a power discrepancy, I, I absolutely grew up with that and I couldn't give my feedback to the person in charge of our household, my dad. So what happens is, is when we can't give our feedback, or our voice isn't heard, or whatever story we build around that, we end up with a less than accurate perception of what is going on. Now, perception is actually as strong or stronger than reality because, you know, so often in the work that I do, one on one with people, also when I deal with partners and couples and things like that, and this is the next level, self awareness, you guys, is not only understanding how you respond, react, get triggered by certain things, but especially in relationship, what that might mean about the other person. Not in judgment, but what might be going on with them. Right? And, and a lot of times when there's conflict, professionally, personally, we don't always take what they might have as a perspective into consideration. Because you know as well as I do, whatever your perspective is, you hold it to be true, right? And it's why, like, you can have two people that have such differing opinions, but in their minds and in their hearts and in their souls, they believe it to be true. Now, if you are a leader and want to be a leader, or if you're somebody that is like, I want to make an impact, I want to spe on stage, then this is shit you really, really have to understand, right? So the other thing that I wanted to kind of define, self awareness, it isn't just your experience. Like, you know, that's kind of the, the first thing that happens in your life. Then there's these other things that come into play. We've got patterns based on the experiences that we've had. Now patterns can be things that keep us safe, significant certain things like that, how we react to certain things. And this is why the Enneagram is such a powerful tool. Because not just for understanding your own self, but when I see reactions in other people, instead of judging it like I used to, or fighting against it like I used to, I pause and, and try to kind of see what's going on in the situation that might cause somebody to have a reaction like that. But you first got to know how you respond and how you react to certain things. Self awareness is your impact on others. This was probably the thing that hit me between the eyeballs when I was introduced to the Enneagram 10 years ago. When I understood how others might receive me and their perception of that, even though I knew my truth and my intent, their perception of me for them was their reality. Right? Your values and the things you're passionate about. So how do we go about becoming more Self aware. Well, a lot of you have this agenda. You come by it innocently. A lot of you, that you want to be more self aware, to make more money or fill in the blank, whatever, that, you know, have a stronger marriage, be a better parent. Like, you have this goal, like a very conditional goal of why you want to be more self aware. And the more that you have your own personal agenda for something very specific, the more resistance you will have to being self aware. Right. Because usually you're wanting to do it to fix something. Self awareness is something you embody. Quite honestly, I am. Constantly, I've had people tell me this and. And again, I thought I was very self aware 15 years ago. Not necessarily. I was very aware of things around me, very, very aware. But I had no awareness of how others might receive me, how abandoning I can feel to people that I love, how. How intense I might come across. Now I am who I am, right? But I need to understand that when I'm talking with certain people and if I want to be more effective, rather than saying this is just who the fuck I am, then I'm going to have to take some care and consideration with how I express myself. The message doesn't have to necessarily change, but maybe the delivery and timing of it does. Okay, so I want to help you kind of gain more of this. When I was introduced to the Enneagram, you know, you may know my story, I came into it by means of a therapist in rehab over 10 years ago. She wanted me to do this. I did not want any part of it. You know, I didn't want to label. I wanted to stay exactly who the hell I was. Right. Which obviously wasn't working very well in a lot of ways. And. And even though I was in rehab, my life actually on paper, looked really damn good. So I could have just that, like, this is everybody else's problem and not mine. If that's kind of how you are operating in your desire to become more self aware so that you can use it to manipulate, which would have been my go to, I'm probably not the girl for you. You probably won't like me very much. But if you truly want to be self aware so that you can be a more effective human, whether it's as a partner, a parent, a friend, a business owner, a business partner, a general great human being, then this is something that might be for you. So one of the coolest things about being so self aware today is even when I'm out and about and I find myself feeling judgment for somebody or irritated by somebody, I immediately compassionately turn the mirror around to myself and check myself. Is this something I'm afraid of? Are they shining a light that I wish I was more confident in shining? Do I feel like if I am not like this tough girl complex that somebody could betray me? Whatever that is, right? Or am I just like judging, judging, judging, judging? Maybe it was somebody they're familiar in a way that like they resemble somebody who did me dirty at some point. Okay. But understanding this is really, really powerful because it takes the emotional charge out of this. Because when we, when we just want to walk around pointing the finger and blaming and judging and justifying, I'm going to tell you right now, it's going to keep you stuck. And all the things that you're telling me you want to do in your life and all the things that you want to attract in and all the abundance that you know you want won't happen. It will come with a lot of resistance. And one of the things I had to learn the hard way is the lessons will keep coming until you get it. And the, the less that you get the lessons, the harder the punch comes. You know, by the time I got this at 40 years old, it was like a two by four up inside of my head. It's one thing to have the desire to be self aware, but it's another thing to have the skill to understand yourself and how others might see you. So like I said, the real flex is not just understanding yourself, but understanding how others might receive you in a way that is not self serving. Okay. It's amazing to me how whenever I get irritated, judgy, frustrated with somebody and, and some of these people, I'm going to be really transparent with you. Some of them are close friends of mine that I get triggered by. I'm thinking of one in particular. She's amazing. She is one of my top three people in my life. And there are times I find myself judging or, or feeling like, ugh, God. And it's, it's the bravery in which she operates and her boldness. And even though as an enneagram 8, I'm super freaking bold, there are things I do to dim my light so that I could fly under the radar so that people can't betray me or violate me. And she is just so courageous and, and beautiful and wanting to serve the greatest good in the way that she elegantly expresses herself. And so instead of leaning out, I lean more in. Right. That is a huge self awareness practice. You're going to recognize that like I've told you before, you know, this is a skill that you build, this is a muscle that you build and it doesn't happen overnight. It's not like you take my enneagram assessment, get your blueprint and pow, you're like the self awareness king or queen. It's not how it works. It's not how it works. I can see my part in everything when I am triggered or when I feel something in my body, right. I know how to get there really, really quickly. So if you are somebody that wants to be committed to growing, this is part of the package. And the thing is, is you're not always going to like what you see now what you do with that is a whole nother thing. For some of you, self awareness, you take it down a shame spiral. This is not the point in it, you know, you're to meet yourself with compassion, with empathy. Because a lot of the experiences you've had which you believe are self awareness are actually just your fight or flight, right? A lot of it's just your fight or flight trying to find significance, certainty, independence, safety, right? So the more skilled I get at this, the more I can see where I'm having a hard time with this. The difference today versus maybe years ago. Instead of projecting it onto somebody else or pointing the finger or even going down the shame pit, which I know is a lot of your go tos, I want you to imagine how you would speak to like a 4 year old. And so whenever I catch myself in judgment again with some of my closest people, instead of shaming myself for thinking that or going there for a second or even a few minutes or even a few days, or for some of you, maybe a few weeks or months or years, I meet myself with compassion because my perspective from that, that younger part of me is if they shine too bright, maybe there's, maybe then I will be forgotten. I'll give you an example of why. When I see people shining their bright, even though I love it. But certain times, there are certain times and usually you're going to be more triggered when you're feeling weak in another area of your life. That's another thing to like that self awareness can give you. I recognize when I am extra sensitive to that, it's usually because there's been a weak spot put in a vulnerable situation in another part of my life. And that is very, very, very true. You have to kind of look at yourself holistically. But I know for a fact there are certain times when I see people getting a lot of attention Even if it's for something beautiful, it's. It's genuine, it's authentic. It's all the things. Growing up, I had a sibling. I have a sibling. But when we were younger, she screamed for attention all the time, all the time. And I was the young girl always doing the right thing, keeping her mouth shut, quiet as a mouse, just behind the scenes, doing everything perfect. Or so I thought, right? And my sister was somebody who didn't care how she got attention as long as she got it. And most of the time, quite honestly, she got it in a negative way. And where that this is, I'm going to tell you, this is next level self awareness right now. So when I'm triggered by people getting attention today, this is what's happening for me. And so I don't stay in that way, right? So when my sister was younger and she'd get all this attention, all this attention, it was also the only time I really saw my mom stand up to my dad. My dad wasn't present a lot. I mean, he worked a lot, but, you know, he was doing his own thing. He gave her attention, even though it was almost always negative. Nobody ever asked how I was doing. I was over here doing all the right things, getting good grades, being a good kid, and I was forgotten. So fast forward to these days. Whenever I feel that rumble inside of me, feeling judgy or slighted by somebody else getting any kind of attention, especially if I'm feeling weak in another area, that's usually when it comes up. So instead of acting on it or judging people that are amazing and actually support me in my life, and, you know, I also have to realize that being just the girl who does all the right things isn't always the way that I need to show up in this world. Right? I needed to use my voice as a child a hell of a lot more. But I was so afraid of not having significant certainty and safety that I didn't. I thought that's how I needed to earn it. And that shows up in today. It's sneaky. This stuff is so sneaky. But because I am raising my hand and saying, listen, I am here to grow, to be the best human I can be as a partner, as a mother, as a friend, as a coach, as a business partner, whatever that looks like, that means there are things that are going to come up, and I have to gently, kindly, compassionately understand my role in this. And so when I. When I am in that and. And I'm afraid because somebody's getting a lot of Attention. There's kind of two parts to that. It's like, ah, you know, I'm over here doing the right thing and being in integrity and all my things. Even though this person I'm referring to always does, she's incredible. But that, that nervous system response is very real to, you know, 40 something years ago. And the other thing that I have to recognize is my role is no longer to be the one. Even though I do really good work and word of mouth and all the things, like I have an incredible business. I also know I haven't even skimmed the surface. I know that I haven't used my voice in ways that I need to, not because of money or prestige or anything. But these are my God given gifts and I'm here to make impact. Not just for you and those that maybe I guide along the way, but for the little girl in me who is always afraid to use her voice. When it came to power in the house, right outside the house, I used my voice in a whole different way to kind of keep people away from me. But this is what self awareness can do for you. And then when I recognize that I can lean into the very people in my life, including that one that I just talked about, and say, this is where I'm at, can you help me build this muscle? Because I'm still afraid to use it. Where this has come to play, you know, I, I just released, re. Released this podcast, you know, lead with the Enneagram. This is another kind of understanding of self awareness in real time for you. Because it's one thing to just say, yes, I'm so self aware. I'm telling you, self aware is the, the biggest indicator of emotional intelligence. So even relaunching this podcast at the three year mark. Thank you guys for, for coming along. All this time, I resisted the first two rounds of naming this podcast. I resisted putting Enneagram in the title because I didn't want to just be known as that there was that. And because I may not have the education that some of these Enneagram teachers have. I mean, I honestly could not tell you the historic roots by detail of where the Enneagram came from. And if I put Enneagram in the title, I'm going to be on more people's radar, right? Because I, I really kind of zone in and look at what other Enneagram people are teaching, how they're expressing it. You know, I'm always curious how other people deliver the message of the Enneagram. So if I put Enneagram in the title of my podcast. I'm going to be on their radar. And I don't necessarily want that, but I actually do. Right Again, going back to my experiences flying under the radar, guaranteed safety. Nobody could betray me or violated or violate me if I was flying under the radar. And then I could sneak up on them and pow, here I am. And that's how I've run a lot of my businesses the last 15 years is kind of being the best kept secret. And I promised in 2023 that was gonna stop. And so that was a big part of putting Enneagram in the title. And also I may not have the education that certain people have. I could not give you the whole rundown in the history of the Enneagram. And I don really care. Today. Today I will go toe to toe with anyone on integration of it in real time and in your life. But recognizing my reasons of not putting in, I justified why I didn't early on because I didn't want to admit like I don't want people to pick apart my my work. I really don't because it's what I'm so passionate about. It's what I love. How many of you are holding back because you're so passionate about what you're doing, but you don't want it picked apart by people you love, by people you don't know, by somebody who could come along or maybe somebody might do what you're doing and then you're like, oh my God, I can't do it Right. All of this is chalked up to compassionate self awareness. And I want to really teach you in this year and beyond what that really means with compassion, with empathy, so that you can step into what you are always designed to be. And this will also allow you to be a better person, partner, parent, friend, coach, business leader, whatever you identify as wanting to be better at in your life. But when you look at yourself more holistically on a whole level and don't compartmentalize your so much yourself so much and you're willing to take a beautiful honest look at yourself. This is how we do it, by being honest, open and willing to the process. But you can't have the contingency that you'll do that. But you're going to pull out the shame stick or the justification stick every time that you're gonna have self awareness. It's kind of like looking at innocent little children. Honestly, that's how I stay in compassion for myself. It doesn't mean I justify or make excuses or enable my own Shitty behavior. But this is how we really get to the depths and this is where we. We actually find compassion for other people. Because you can't give others, you can't guide others in compassion and empathy if you behind the scenes are beating the out of yourself, trust me, trust me, it won't work. So, you know, honestly, the number one tool in my life is the Enneagram. Obviously. The whole podcast is called Lead with the Enneagram. I lead myself by using the Enneagram and my faith. I had somebody see, this is, this is the thing. Today, literally the day after changing my podcast to Lead with the Enneagram, I ended up on tons of lists of people who think the Enneagram is the devil's work. And in my feed on that post, I have people that are telling me I'm going to hell, right? And the old me would have fought back. And instead I'm like, I understand it's your perspective, but what I do actually brings people to who they were always designed to be by God. So carry on. You know, so it. I ended up on more people's radar just by changing the name of the podcast. And here we are, right? So the Enneagram is a tool that keeps me in to who I was divinely meant to be. And I get like, it can be controversial when we use tools to understand who we are on a soul level. And whatever you believe is fine. I do believe in God. That's fine. A good, orderly direction, if that makes you feel better about it. Because it's people like that one that was popping off in my feed that turns people away from faith and spirituality, right? There's a lot of religious trauma there, but the Enneagram can help you get to who you were divinely meant to be. So the first step is getting typed properly. Number one, if you're going to use this tool again, number one, most effective tool in my life. And I've got 50 years of experience trying lots of things since I was a little girl to understand why things went the way they did on my watch and other people's watch, right? So the first thing is getting typed properly. Taking an online test will give you results that are inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time. I've done thousands of them with people to test those statistics out. And that is absolutely true. And so I worked really hard to bring you an assessment that I knew was accurate. And, and I have one. It's over 95% accurate. And I've tested it for couple of years before I even brought it to you and have developed customized Enneagram blueprints just for you. It's kind of like your understanding of where you go, when you're triggered, when you do feel something hit. You have a whole guidebook to help you with that. Now, just having the guidebook and never opening it, never really integrating that in your life. You just have some really cool information. But I know if you're like me, I've had tons of books and textbooks that I never opened with great information. But the information doesn't equal transformation. So practice using what you get in the, in the Enneagram blueprint. It's magnificent. The other thing is, is having a guide. And I can always, you know, help you do that. But you can go to traceyomalley.com to see all the options, but start with getting typed properly if you do nothing else. Because once you have that right information, you have a roadmap and you have some framework to work off of to discover and uncover a new level of self awareness that will absolutely change your life, change your culture at home and in the workplace. And if you're a leader and you say you are a leader and you want to be a leader, it may not seem fair sometimes that you're the one going first. But that's what leaders do. It is in your household, in your business. Like if, if you're wanting this from other people, then you have to be willing to go first even when it doesn't seem fair. I love obviously talking about the Enneagram and showing you how to integrate it in your life. In fact, I'm getting on an airplane in about an hour to teach a whole company how to use the Enneagram to have more compassion. They've got a lot of things going on in their business and it's pretty volatile and I'm walking into a situation. But my goal is to deliver them these tools to be more self aware and understand themselves and then understanding each other. So that instead of fighting against each other all the time and bankrupting ourselves energetically and you know, bypassing the whole mission and vision that you have for your team or your family, like we can cohesively come together more. Even when there's differences of opinion, motives, fears, all of it. And this is how we become more well rounded is my goal to help more of you really make the impact in this life that you were given, this beautiful gift you were given, you know, in your homes and in your professional life, whatever that looks like for you. Go to Tracy O' Malley.com the Work with Me section. Go get your blueprint right now. It will be a game changer because you'll have the right information and then if you keep listening along here, you'll get more guidance on how to use that more effectively to actually transform your life and make a bigger impact. And if you want to spend 90 minutes with me, I do 90 minute power sessions with people where we take all that information and I show you what that really looks like from somebody who's been doing it every single day for well over a decade. Decade. Not just in my own life, but with thousands and thousands and thousands of other people. It is my honor and privilege to help you transform your life so that you can lead, love and live by design instead of default. We'll see you next time.

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