EP309: Triggers in Leadership and How to Leverage and Minimize Them Based on Enneagram Type

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are. But what the hell do you do with it?

Great news. You are in the right place.

Lead with the Enneagram is the show.

Where you will actually learn how to.

Use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into.

It well over a decade ago.

Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding.

Of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about.

The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate.

Way, and then help you lead others.

That way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hello, welcome to Leading with the Enneagram or Lead with the Enneagram, however you want to say it. And today we're talking about triggers in leadership. And I'm coming off of a beautiful off site that I did with a company last week in California. And I had done a Instagram post and Facebook post about the fact that I was flying into a Category 5 storm in California. I think they called it a bomb cyclone. Literally, the plane was shaking as we were trying to land it. And ironically, I also knew, you know, because I did a pre brief with the leaders of this organization. I also knew that I was walking into quite the storm with this team. There was over 20 of them and a mixed bunch of like administration, mentors. Very divided though. And ironically, you know, the fact that I was flying into a storm and also walking into a storm, I was ready for it and I was. I was actually really excited about it. It's part of being an 8 is I do thrive when there's conflict, and especially when I'm coming from a healthy place. And it's why I love the Enneagram. And that being said, like my own triggers in leaders. Absolutely. I felt them every bit of the two days that I was there. And I'm so thankful for not just my own personal emotional intelligence, but also facilitating a room of 20 plus people with a diverse range. Every. Every single Enneagram type, except for the Enneagram one, was represented in this group. So I had to be on my game of understanding each and every Enneagram type. And, you know, it's really cool when I do these workshops, whether it's, you know, in person or virtually. I pretty much have read the room before I even see anyone. I have an idea of what might come up. I can see the polarity that exists in the team. Again, like this is never to be used as a labeling system or boxing anybody in. But I was very aware just in the Enneagram, what might come up, you know, and sure enough, it did. And today I want to talk about how you can minimize and leverage the triggers that show up in leadership using the Enneagram. You know, when we're triggered, it's usually something that sets us off and then it activates our fear response, a coping mechanism. And they're very real. We can usually use them for something great and as a compass. But most of us, because a lot of times it's such a subconscious or unconscious thing that happens, and we bypass what our body's trying to tell us. Like the first place we feel is in in our body. But usually we go into how it made us feel or how this will affect us, or, you know, if there's judgment or anything going on, what this can do for you or how it can work against you. And most of my life, you know, when I was triggered, it immediately sparked an anger response. Right. If I felt triggered, I felt like somebody was either saying I was weak or putting me in a vulnerable situation, or they're about to do me dirty. And so instead of like rationalizing what this mean for me and what is actually going on with this other person, that trigger, I would take it and run with it. And I know even the most personally developed out there, when you get triggered, very rarely do we pause and really kind of see the whole situation. Because there's two things that you have to think about when we're triggered. Your stuff and also the other person's stuff. This applies to parenting as well. You know, parenting is some of the. The biggest Leadership you can do. And so this really, really comes into play. And I'm not saying any of this is easy. This is building a muscle, you know, because for most of us we think about ourselves when we're triggered, right? We think about ourselves or if we are thinking about other people, we're judging them or sometimes we'll justify for people. Especially if you're like a people pleaser, you might take full responsibility in this. So what happened, without giving away any personal stuff that happened with this team, because I really want you to know, if I work you as a team, whether it's, you know, your home team or professional team, that I do keep your details private because I, I really do create a safe environment for everyone to be themselves. Now there was one person in this group, there were a few people that were really angry and, and I don't have a problem with that. But when it gets like hitting below the belt, that's when I usually the eight in me, you know, the injustice and, and all of that. That being said, there was one person there that was really, really heated and was trying to get more people on board with that. And I was fine with that until I said something and this person told me I didn't know what I was talking about. Okay, Now I'm highly professional. I really have worked really hard to master my craft. And when he said that, I felt my blood boiling. I felt my heart racing and every part of the eight in me wanted to throat punch him. Obviously, like I know what I'm doing and I was paid very well to be there and it wasn't like by mistake. That being said, you know, I knew not only his enneagram type, but I also understood his instinctual response to life. He is a one on one type, so intensity of experience is very present. He was a nine, which was a peacemaker. So for it to get to this point, I knew that there was a lot more underneath the surface and a lot less he had said along, along the way. And I also understood his tri type, which is probably the biggest part in this. He had the 945 TRI type. How this really kind of played out that trigger. What he triggered in me absolutely changed the game for this entire workshop. Because when we engage and respond not in a healthy way to our triggers, we can disrupt the entire environment. And the minute that person told me publicly in front of this entire group in the front of the room that I didn't know what I was talking about, I felt the energy shift. And this is really something for all of you to learn. And I want. I'll finish the story towards the end of this episode because I think it's really awesome. I didn't engage in that. I also didn't dismiss him, and I also held him accountable for his actions, but all with respect and all the things. Right. So I knew he was frustrated and not feeling heard when he said that to me. Right. And. And a lot of times when we have suppressed our own needs and our own thoughts for so long, and then we're finally using our voice, especially for you enneagram nines out there and twos. I see this a lot with nines, twos, fours, and fives. Sometimes when we have suppressed our stuff for so long, when we finally do and we're coming off, like, saying things that are below the belt, there's no need for him. Even if he didn't agree with me, he didn't have to tell me. I didn't know what I was talking about. Right. He can absolutely not agree with me. And I told him that. I'm like, you don't have to agree with me, but you're being very disrespectful telling me I don't know what I'm talking about. You know, I'm sure, you know, you. If I came into where you have spent a lifetime doing what you do best, if somebody said that to you, and he was. He was awesome. Like, he took it, but he. You know, he was so in his triggers all the time. Right. And I could have made it a lot worse by feeding into it, and I didn't. But what happened is, is the entire room shifted, and people were feeling like, oh, this is gonna go really, really bad. Because if you. I mean, those are fighting words, quite honestly. But I used it as a beautiful learning experience. And you, as a leader, you know, when you're triggered, especially, you have a choice. You can either make this about you, you can use it to grow you, and you can use it to educate. So knowing what I was dealing with, I was like, okay, here we go. That was the first day. A lot of times when you bring teams together where there is some conflict, and I haven't met a team yet that doesn't have any. And if it's too good, there's probably a lot under the surface, I'm working with another team that, on the surface, everybody loves where they work. But, you know, when I dig a little deeper with everyone, it's just that nobody's saying anything, right? All of us, you know, with teams of three and above, we. We all need to have an understanding of who each other are. So day one ended kind of like hard. Like everybody had something to say. And I was so thankful, like, so thankful that everybody was using their voice. And that was a true testament to feeling like it was safe, too. And because I was able to honor what everyone was saying and also hold them accountable. Especially when things were said like, you don't know what the hell you're doing. It didn't turn into a me versus them or them versus each other. Right. I wasn't gonna hold that kind of space. It's like, all right, we. We clearly are in an environment where we felt we couldn't use our voice and now we're here and so we're gonna let you know all the fly, basically. So, I mean, after day one, I was really, really tired. No doubt about it. You know, when you're trying to facilitate 22 different people with nine different basic personality types, with three different instincts and all the different tri types that came into play, everything was being activated in this room. And it was beautiful. Beautiful. I will say I went to bed at like 8 o' clock that first night, but I woke up the next day and, you know, I had spoken to the leaders of that team. I was like, we've got some work to do here. And I also know that, you know, they were inheriting some things that prior leadership had maybe shit the bed on and it's going to take some time. And so their patience was required to. Even though they were kind of thrown to the wolves, their staff had been too. So I started off day two being really, really transparent. And, you know, this is where the understanding my stuff, understanding their stuff, and understanding them as a group was really, really important. And I needed to build trust within that team. And if you're a leader, no matter if you're right or justified in your frustration. I was very frustrated, obviously, being called out like I was, and I was irritated and all of the things. And, you know, we set the tone as leaders. And if you are somebody that is choosing to be a leader, whether it's in your home, as a coach, as an entrepreneur, as a CEO, as, you know, head of a department, whatever that looks like for you, you have a responsibility. With great reward comes great responsibility. And I was sharing that. You know, there were times in my life and I used my. My marriage, my prior marriage as an example, that even though there were some things that went on that were very unfair and very hurtful and I had every right to be angry and Frustrated, Absolutely. What I didn't have a right to do was verbally assault anyone, even though I was hurt. Right? And it's, it's easy to say. It's a lot harder to do, especially when all of our biggest fears are being triggered. And what I told this group was that in my deciding to verbally assault back and, and get angry and, you know, using my own kind of anger as a weapon in that it, it really hurt more people than it helped. And it's, it hurt me more. It didn't hurt who I wanted it to hurt. And in fact, it hurt, you know, the very people I cared the most about, which was my home team, my kiddos. And I was telling this group this, like, the more that we weaponize our frustration and use them to try and attack and go to this me versus you thing, we all lose. It is not a win win situation. And, and the fact of the matter is, is when we start using language that attacks another person, no matter how justified we angry we are, right? I was angry in my prior marriage. This guy was angry at me and he was angry at some ownership of this company. In fact, he started calling them names like Tweedledee and Tweedledum, to be frank. And I use this as an example with him with so much kindness. I'm like, listen, I totally. From everything you're telling me about the situation, you have every right to be frustrated. You have every right to be angry. And some of the things you're saying absolutely need to be addressed. But I did say this, and I use myself as an example. The minute you start name calling, the minute you start attacking people's character, the rest of the room, you start to lose credibility and trust. Even if you're right, and this is really important as a leader, do you want to be effective or do you want to be right? Because if you want to be right, you're not really a leader. You aren't. This is a really hard one and one that I have continuously have had to work on. I have had to work on. The beautiful part about this story with this group is that same person, he thoroughly thanked me when I was leaving. He pulled me aside. He's like, I want you to know I heard you very clearly. And I was like, listen, you have so much to say that is accurate. That could really be a catalyst for change, a hundred percent. I said, but your delivery and your timing of it makes you lose all credibility. And you look crazy. You're not. And I know this, I know this. But the people that actually can Make a difference for you when. When you kind of come off like that, you look immature, you look ignorant, and you look like you don't know what you're talking about even when you do. And so I kept saying to him, do you want to be effective or do you want to be right? Because you can be write in a way that's more effective, but name calling and character assassination will never do that for you, you know, And I. I had to learn that firsthand myself. All those things when we're angry and we start spewing it out into the world in an unhealthy way. Anger is a healthy emotion when channeled properly. And when. When we harness it the right way. But leadership is one of the number one ways to really be triggered, you know, especially if people perceive that there's this power, indifference, and unfairness which was happening in this group. Right. So how can we do this as a leader? This is why, like, understanding your Enneagram type. So, you know, I knew as an 8 what would piss me off and he triggered it. Right. And I knew it. And also how others might receive you based on your Enneagram type. So I understand that just me walking into a room, that big eight energy, it can be perceived as controlling if I'm not careful. It can be perceived as aggressive if I'm not careful. So, like, understanding that before I even walk in was really, really important, but also understanding what each Enneagram type of the people that I was about to take through this journey was really important. So for you as a leader, understanding who's in your team is really, really important. So you can understand possibly common triggers might be right. It's one thing to just know the Enneagram type, like, oh, I've got a two that I'm leading, or like, that's just information. But understanding the integration of it means knowing what they're motivated by, what their biggest fear is, and what actually might set them off. Right. And this goes for yourself. So what set me off when he told me I didn't know what I was doing was like a betrayal to me. Right. Like, seriously, you're going to put me in a vulnerable situation in front of this whole group and. And try to back me up on my toes? Right. Triggered totally knew it was happening. Right. So the biggest trigger for innate is being, you know, perceived as unjust, lying, or like, I'm weak. That was another thing. Like, you think I don't know what I'm doing, which is a weakness. Right. But for the other Enneagram Types, I wanted to share them with you. So if you are a leader, and you are, because you're here listening, whether this is in your home, as a partner, as a friend, in a business, as a coach, whatever that looks like for you, you're raising your hand and saying you want to be a leader in your life. And with that reward comes great responsibility and a bigger risk, especially the more you elevate. And so, you know, I know whenever I feel it in my body, you know, my heart was racing like I told you, I was, like, flaming. You know, that was my first compass. And then, like, I could feel it. I could feel it. And I had a responsibility in leadership, not to just suppress it or ignore it, but to handle it with class and elegance. If you are leading a team, and I get a lot of these DMs, like, I'm a coach, I'm a leader, and I'm feeling this, and I get so frustrated. And whenever we make it about us, we're making it about our trigger. Right? And so first, understanding who you are is really, really important. Next level leadership is understanding yourself and the other person at the same time. So some of the common triggers that might come up, and I want you to think about yourself as well as the people that you lead. If you're an enneagram type 8, we'll start in the gut triad. If you're an enneagram 8, like I said, something that can trigger you is like, you're being unjust. If you're lying weaknesses, not just your own weakness, but also other people. Or if you feel like something's not fair, okay, absolutely. And then you have a choice, like, what is this? Are they compromising me, or is it compromising the group? And then understanding, like, who. Who it is that's speaking will be very, very helpful. Now, for the Enneagram Nines, one of their common triggers is being rushed into action, being ignored or overlooked. So this person that I was referring to was an enneagram 9, a one on one enneagram 9. So that intensity of experience was very heightened. He had felt like he had been being ignored or overlooked for a very, very long time. And anger is the underlying emotion for this triad, the 891 triad. So there it was. And disrupting Harmony was at its surface. So I knew that that was coming. And I knew that when I had to facilitate the rest of the room, that might trigger him even more. And it did. And sometimes he acted out. Right? And not just him, there were a few of them. Right? Enneagram ones, one of their biggest triggers is being criticized or if they make a mistake. And this goes for you if you are an Enneagram one or if you are leading one. Enneagram two's biggest trigger is rejection or feeling unappreciated. The Enneagram three's so the twos are in the feeling triad. So when rejection or feeling unappreciated comes into play, shame, anger might show up. For threes there triggers anything that slows down their success or tarnishes their image. So sometimes calling them out or if like it's not feeling productive, things like that. Enneagram Fours, the mundane, the ordinary, boring. Not being seen as special or unique can be very triggering in the thinking Triad is the 5, 6 and 7. Fives can be triggered by unwanted intrusions or demands. Emotional outbursts can be very triggering for them. Ironically, in this team that I was leading, the two leaders were both Enneagram Fives. So you can see and I knew this, I knew this was coming. The polarity with feeling. There were five or six nines in the group. Feeling ignored and overlooked and rushed into taking action that they didn't have clarity on. Led by two Enneagram Fives who don't want to deal with some of these demands and the emotions tied to it. It's why we had so much conflict going on. Right. Enneagram Sixes, their triggers are not having enough context or certainty. Feeling cornered or pressured, absolutely. That is. That will set a six off like nobody's business. And finally, enneagram7's biggest triggers in leadership is constraints, limits, a lot of negativity internally or in the environment. It's really awesome to be able to use this kind of self knowledge to catch your reactions and your behaviors, both positive and not so positive in the moment. Right. In learning the Enneagram we can understand that our thoughts and our feelings unconsciously direct our attention and often our actions. But when you know about the Enneagram, it's not enough to just know it for behavior change. And you can temporarily have behavior change, but it's just like the diet industry. You can change your habits by working out, maybe eating great. But if you don't get to the root of things, it's going to just. You're going to go back to what you did and it usually is worse because you now can't unsee it. Right. Changing behavior requires self observation and a little bit of humility and compassion for ourselves and being aware of our patterns. Where your attention automatically goes, what kind of hooks you in and what causes you to react. While this self awareness can become easier with practice, it never becomes habitual. So continued curiosity and practice are required. I have said this before in this podcast, that this is a muscle that you must build. And just like muscles in the gym, it takes an unconditional commitment and a consistency to the process, right? The reason I didn't like throat punch that guy is because I've been building this muscle every day for over 10 years, right? I'm not saying that it takes that long to build the muscle, right? But the more that you are constantly self curious and curious about other humans genuinely from a place of care, you will be able to navigate this a lot more. So when I got to the end of this two day off site and I was getting everybody to kind of share what they would need to even take a layer of one level of bricks off their wall, it was a beautiful coming together of the entire group of 20 something. And some of the things that I asked them to do is like, okay, what is your part in this? What is your part and your responsibility moving forward? Not negating your valid frustrations and not negating valid things that you're pissed about, right? We all have a part in this. Good and not so good. And so taking personal accountability about what your role is. If you are somebody who says, I want to be a better person, I want to grow, I want to be a leader, then sometimes you have to go first. And quite often most of the time you have to go first, even if it isn't fair. So it was really, really cool to see that happen. So one of the things that you can kind of do, it's really, really important. I kind of already alluded to it, but some of the things when you feel triggered, especially in leadership and maybe where that emotional, strong emotional reaction might be coming from, I want you to ask yourself and walk yourself through the following, like self awareness practice to understand your reactivity better. First and foremost, what do you feel in your body? Because that is the first thing. It will always be the first thing. So like I told you, my heart was racing, the heat was coming off my body. Even before emotionally I was there, my body was telling us something first. So our body and our intuition is our kind of first go to, but so often we bypass it. And that's where your enneagram type comes into play, right? We default to that. So the other thing you can ask yourself are what emotions am I experiencing right now? Okay, when that was happening to me, mine was absolutely anger, right? And usually whatever that is for you. Like, okay, why was I angry? I was angry because he was basically saying I was weak in front of all these people. He's making me feel vulnerable in front of all these people. Right? Number three, what causes you to react? And if you know your enneagram type for sure, you're gonna know. So I knew, like, okay, is it betrayal? Is it betrayal, violation? Is it vulnerability, or is it weakness? And it was kind of like three of those things, right? And when you know your enneagram type for sure, this is where you can, like, streamline this process a lot faster. And then number four is, okay, how can I put this into words in a way that is more effective, and that is win, win for all of us. And I know when you're angry and feeling like you have been taken advantage of or unappreciated or violated or betrayed or unheard or any those things, it's really, really hard to think, how can I make this more effective? And win, win for everyone. But in leadership, this is really freaking important. It is a game changer, because being right doesn't work. It really doesn't. It really, really doesn't. So the more that you practice these things and you can do them very, very quickly, the more that you practice them and the more that you build this muscle, very, very, very important. And, you know, I thanked that guy. He apologized to me for saying the things he said. And. And I actually thanked him. I said, oh, no, you had me going like, you made me better this week. I didn't like what you were saying. And I said, I had to walk my talk, all the things that I'm here teaching you. I had to exercise in real time with how you responded to me. And I thanked him. I said, you made me better. And I said, you make me more confident in what I'm doing here out in the world, because I know it's beautiful work, and I know it can actually. And so that wouldn't have happened 15 years ago. This is why I love the Enneagram, because it gives us framework. It gives us a system to work off of. It isn't a label system. It isn't to box anyone in. It is absolutely to have more compassion and understanding of us as humans and our unique way that we're wired beautifully and wonderfully made. I love it. The first thing you need to do is be typed properly. And unfortunately, that is the flaw in the system is all the online assessments are inaccurate about 65 to 70% of the time. And I have tested this Multiple thousands and thousands of times over the last decade. And those statistics are absolutely true. I have finally brought an assessment to you that is accurate 95% of the time. I worked really hard to find one that I felt good with and that would serve you well. And I have also tested this thousands and thousands of times before I brought it to you. 95% accuracy. Not only that, I have created your unique customized 75/ page blueprint where you will get your correct information. It's powerful when you know all these things about yourself. And then if you are somebody who leads a team, even if it's just in your own home, understanding where other people might go when they're triggered will allow you to be more effective as a leader and have more compassion. And all the things, even when you're done dirty, let me tell you. But you can go to tracyomalley.com the work with me section where you can get information and the things I do with teams. If you are somebody that has a team and wants to kind of bring the Enneagram into it and have me facilitate, I do workshops virtually in person. I do consulting work. This team now wants to bring me in to do consulting with the entire team, not just the workshop, because they saw the power in it and, and obviously like as the leaders, they don't know how to understand all this day in and day out. They want a guide to kind of show them how to navigate this moving forward. I can do that with your team, but the first step is leading yourself. And the best way to lead others is to be able to effectively lead yourself. And, and using the tool of the Enneagram has really proven over the last plus decade that it's the greatest personal development tool I've ever used to grow myself, right next to my faith. So getting typed properly will allow you to have the right system and the right framework to move through this and accelerate your transformation a hell of a lot more quickly. So go to Tracey O' Malley.com the work with me section. Get your blueprint today. You'll be sent a link for my assessment and once I review that, I will send off your own custom blueprint to you. It's amazing. It's amazing when we don't have to operate in our triggers. The triggers are absolutely there to help grow us, to help us bring more emotional intelligence to ourselves. Ourselves. And when we can walk our talk in that emotional intelligence, we make everyone around us better. And you know, with that great reward comes great responsibility. And if you are somebody that leads people in your homes and in your businesses. You are required to up your game. And I will always continue to up my game. I was really grateful for this experience this last week because it made me walk my talk, like I said, and I will continue to always go first. And you know, when when we're in leadership and we want all the perks that come with being a strong leader, then you have to be willing to go first all the time. Whether it's fair or not. That's part of the program. And that is the catch to having all the beautiful things that come with being a thought leader, a profound leader in this space and in the world and in your homes. It's one of the greatest gifts you can receive, but you have to do the work and I would be honored to take you on that journey. I hope that you love this episode. I would love to hear the things that trigger you when it comes to leadership. Whether you as the leader get triggered or other leaders that have triggered you. It's really cool to bring it all home and help us all make sense of it. With compassion, with empathy, with love, with service and grace. Because that's how we can leverage all of those things and operate in a way that's for the greatest good for us all, which Lord knows this world needs. As always, if you loved this or have gained beautiful wisdom from my 300 plus episodes, it'd mean the world to me if you left a review if you felt called to do so. Or even better, share it with somebody who may need this message today. As always, I'm wishing you love and transformation in your life and we'll see you next time.

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You into the next level of your life, Sam.