EP313: Finding the 'Holistic' Leader in You - Using the Enneagram to be & Stay in Flow

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are.

But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place.

Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into.

It well over a decade ago.

Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just.

Being some fun thing you heard about.

The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate.

Way, and then help you lead others.

That way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of Breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hey. Hey. You know, I think that everyone that I have had the pleasure of working with really wants to feel like they aren't all over the place. And I know in the world we live in today, it can be really challenging not to feel the burnout coming. You know, I know many of you listening might be a parent, a partner to someone, you have a friend group that you want to really honor and maintain. And then there's this whole self honoring practice and it starts to pile up, right? And I think for most of us, especially my high achievers out there, we tend to wear all these different hats. And I was no different than that. You know, it's like boss babe hat, mom hat, spouse hat, friend hat. And although I could do it pretty well for the most part, and I had the receipts to show it, eventually I got to the point where I was like, God, I don't even know who I am anymore. Honestly, the older you get, your hormones and your adrenals will start to kick back at you and say, that's not working anymore, lady or gentleman. And so one of the things that I love doing with the Enneagram is teaching you how to be the most holistic leader in yourself. And this is like, personally and professionally in your home, in your businesses, in your work environment, in your friendships. Because you can imagine if you are wearing all these different hats, the energy output, the time it takes, especially if you've got so much going on, pulling off this hat and putting on this hat, pulling off this hat and putting on this hat, you can see where that might get a little tiresome. And so one of the things that the Enneagram has allowed me to do and something that I help many of you do is becoming that holistic leader where you don't necessarily have to change who you are or change all the hats. Maybe, just maybe, you shift how you wear it. Okay? And as an enneagram8 myself, I will always be a little more intense than most. I will always be scanning, you know, the situation for betrayal and violation and vulnerabilities. I will always most likely use the measuring stick of strong versus weak. Like, and I know this, and I know this. And so when I'm in my home environment with my adult children or even with my guy, you know, I'm always going to bring that to the table. I really, really am. Now, knowing when and how to put the foot on the gas with any of those things or throttle back is really, really important. Same thing as a coach, when I'm in a coaching environment, there are times, like, the intensity has to pick up a little bit, and there's a little bit time where it has to scale back. Business decisions, friendships, eliminating friendships, like, there have all, like, I haven't changed who I am in any of those situations, but how it gets expressed absolutely can. So what does that mean for you? Right. Depending on your Enneagram type, this is going to look really, really, really different. So, like, for if you're an Enneagram one, you know, your motive is being good and right. And although that serves a lot of really great things, you can see where in relationship, if you are, if your measuring stick is good and right and there's not a lot of gray area, maybe you're an Enneagram one that has had some struggle in your personal relationships because it's like, okay, okay, well, that doesn't feel really good to be in a relationship with you if I can't be wrong or professionally. Right. Professionally, if there's no gray area you leave out this, this whole vision of innovation and imagination and what could be possible, right? And so understanding that about yourself, understanding that about yourself will allow you to kind of maybe not sweat the small stuff so much or tap into that growth number of seven and allow you become more visionary in your personal relationships and, and having a little more fun and also in your business and professional life. Okay? Enneagram twos, your motive is being loved and appreciated. And so pretty much everything you do is based on that motive. Your fear is not doing that. And when you're kind of trying to do that in relationships, you know, you can overcompensate, you can over. Yes, yourself to death. Same thing in professional life, right? Your measuring stick is how much people appreciate you. Significance. You know, when you're doing that in personal relationship, it might be a little heightened, right? So always kind of scanning that like, okay, am I doing this because I feel like my worth is tied to what they do or what I do for these people? Is my worth tied to what I do professionally? And always kind of having this filter of compassion that you look at yourself with, because I know you know, this is a muscle you have to build. So, you know, when you're hyper fixated on it first it's going to get frustrating because you're going to see all the areas where maybe you didn't stop and maybe you did lean in in ways that didn't serve you. For my enneagram threes, being the best is what motivates you. Significance is what motivates you. You want to be the best at everything you can in relationships. That can create an unhealthy competition where the other person feels like they can't measure up to your standards or they might even feel like second in line when it comes to your achieving that can be detrimental to interpersonal relationships. It doesn't mean you dim down yourself or anything. Right? Again, this is kind of being the holistic being. Same thing professionally, definitely. We're not telling you to dumb it down for anybody. However, you have to scan the entire situation. Am I doing this because this is where my worth is tied or am I doing this because it's who I am and this is what fulfills me? Just because we can do things doesn't mean we should. And holistic, realistically looking at the whole situation personally and professionally at the same time will allow you to flow in and out of these parts of your life without feeling like you're speeding up? Stop. And then trying to speed up again. If you've ever Seen like a moving train. Like, that's why, like, when they. They slow them down, they don't completely stop them. And this is kind of what I'm saying to you about taking this holistic approach to yourself is I'm not telling you to slow all the way down because a lot of you are. You're like, I'm in this mode, so I gotta do this. Go full out and stop. Okay, transition now. I'm a mom. Okay, go full out, mom mode. Okay, stop. And. And what's happening is you're exhausted, you have resentment, your body's going to break down on you. You might even feel like a robot. You don't even know, like, what day it is. And we're. We're trying to just slow you down so you can still flow and move through elegantly each part of your life. Health, business, friendships, parenting, romantic partnerships. Okay? So for my enneagram fours to continue, you know, your motive is being unique and authentic. Amazing, like, amazing things. Your biggest fear is of abandonment, right? And so you might turn it on a little extra to try and rope people in unintentionally, subconsciously, who knows? This can create, you know, some problems in relationships. This can also be very disruptive professionally. Slowing down enough to know, okay, am I doing this to get a rise out of things? Am I doing this to try and make sure everybody knows how unique I am? Am I doing this out of envy because I feel like something's missing in myself? This will allow you also to, you know, show up in your relationships true to who you are instead of feeling like a chameleon or that you're putting on a show. You know, people that aren't sure what they can expect out of you might kind of start doing the back off of you again. I'm not telling you like I told the other types, to dim your. Your uniqueness or your authenticity, but really pausing to know, am I doing this because I feel like something's missing in me and I'm, like, throwing all this crap up at the wall, hoping something sticks? Or is this really true to who I am? When you approach all your situations doing this, you will see that you can flow through each part of your life. Fives. You want to be knowledgeable, wise, equipped, having the right information. So everything you do is about gathering, gathering, gathering, hoarding, hoarding resources, hoarding energy. This can be a problem, right? This is really good because you have a lot of intel. And this can also make people in your life feel disconnected from you Professionally. We. We might not know what you're doing, we don't know how to tap into your beautiful wisdom. And so people might trying to energetically take from you, which causes you on high alert. So for fives to kind of scan the situation. Okay, am I hoarding this because I'm worried that I'm not going to have enough resources or. Or energy? Or can I start to output a little bit here personally? Can I output here a little more professionally and. And start to move more instead of like that freight train that we're stopping? Like, gather, gather, gather, and then stop and then put output it. I'm telling you guys, this makes your life so much harder. And I gotta say, the more I've built this muscle and learned how to do this, the more energy I have, the more the people in my life feel like they're being honored. And I'm not distracted somewhere else because I'm kind of always flowing in and out and staying in that. It's way easier when crisis hits to jump into action where I have to, because I haven't completely stopped or I haven't complet. Been all in. In one area. I love intensity. So it. It's not my favorite way to do things, but it is more effective. And do we want to be right? Do we want to be effective? Do we want to, you know, we want to do what's best for ourselves holistically, personally, and professionally? Okay. To continue on with the Sixes, they are always motivated by a need for certainty, certain that they're not going to be blindsided, certain that they are responsible and prepared. Okay. This is really amazing in a lot of ways. And this can be very detrimental to their relationships, their health, their productivity. So getting a six to slow down and say, am I hyper fixated on this? Am I being so wanting to know all the things that I'm pushing people away because they don't feel like I could ever trust them, or it can feel almost disrespectful with my interrogation. So pausing for a second. Okay. Am I in fear right now? Am I so fixated on this that I'm gonna actually get blindsided? Because I'm so fixated on this, am I paralyzing my productivity? Am I paralyzing the growth in my relationships? Because I'm so fixated on this, and like, the pause button for all the enneagram types is super, super helpful to kind of check yourself. And then when you find out, let's say that, yeah, you are operating maybe in a way that doesn't serve you, or, yeah, maybe you are operating in a way that is a little detrimental personally and profess this is not a time to pull out the shame stick and go down that spiral. I want you to meet yourself with compassion sixes because I know when you recognize all the enneagram types, when you recognize that you're in this pattern, especially, you know, self awareness, it's very humbling. It's very, very humbling. And it's. It's meant to help you grow. And shame and guilt, that doesn't grow you. That stifles you. It really, really does. And you might even think it was way easier when I wasn't aware. And there are moments I feel that too, seriously, like I am so aware of everything, including my own stuff. It was way easier to be a bull in a china shop at times. Now the wreckage I left behind, not so much. It was always like starting and stopping and body breakdown and relationship breakdown. So I promise you, like, building this muscle will be painful at first, especially. And finding compassion for yourself may not be an easy go to, but it's requ. With great reward comes great responsibility and some requirements. You can't get something that you want without doing something different that you've never had, right? Like, let's say you want something different for your life. It's going to require some different things from you. So if you are somebody who pulls out the shame stick or beats yourself up or is really hard on yourself emotionally, this honestly, you won't get all the things that you want. Growing will be impossible. This is a muscle you have to build and that comes with being consistent with it. An unconditional commitment to the process and compassion. Okay. To continue on with the last three enneagram types. Enneagram sevens. You are motivated to have fun, adventure, all options you want. All options available to you at all times. This is really great for innovation. This is really great for fun in relationships. Very, very cool. I love sevens in my life. And you're always seeking that when serious things have to come up and they do because we're in this human experience relationally. You might try to rush people through their process because you don't want to feel the uncomfortableness. You might avoid growing because you're trying to bypass it or you know that toxic positivity, right. That, oh, it's all going to work out. I'm not saying not to be optimistic and positive, but you're going to have to slow down enough to say, okay, am I bouncing through this because I want to avoid pain? Am I trying to bounce my Friends, my partners, my romantic partner, business partners, through the process. Because I don't like to be stuck in uncomfortable positions, all the sevens in my life. This is something that comes up like it does, and again, meet yourself with compassion. It's like, ah, there it is. Now, as a seven, you don't like to slow down to do any of this. It feels like it's boring or you're going to be restricted or you're being put in a box. And none of those things are true. It will take time to build this up. And the more that you recognize doing this, that you can do this, the more options, the more freedom, the more fun you will actually have. Long game. This is all about the long game, you guys. For my Enneagram Eights, like I said, we're motivated by being strong, so we're always looking for the flex. This flex can be very emasculating if you're a woman. This flex can make people feel weak. This flex can affect other people's confidence, especially if we're swooping in to be the hero all the time. We start to enable people, and we actually don't help people grow by being so strong all the time. So I have to do this and my other fellow Enneagram Eights, and I coach a lot of you. Am I doing this for the flex? Am I doing this to feel strong? Or I'm doing this for the. For the greatest good of myself, of the people that I love, the people that I lead. And slowing down does not feel good for an enneagram 8. They like to use that intensity. They eat it for breakfast, for crying out loud. We just like to be very aggressive and assertive in everything we do, including taking vitamins, apparently, is what I've been told by people in my life. Right? But again, we're here for the long game. And there are times that I absolutely can step in personally and professionally. A lot of times there are things and situations where I absolutely know what needs to be done. But instead of just barreling in and saving the day, Enneagram Eights, sometimes we have to ask just better questions. And not from a judgment place or a judgment energy, but from a growing one. The good thing about being an enneagram 8 is we have the ability to champion others. We really, really do. But we can't champion others if we're just barreling in and saving the day. That's not championing anybody. And so the real flex is throttling back. I know every enneagram8 listening is like, oh, that does not sound fun. Again, this muscle you gotta build. It takes time, consistency, unconditional commitment and compassion. Because I've recognized, including with my own kids, where I have stepped in. And subconsciously it was about my flex, and proving that I'm this strong, amazing mom rather than what was best for my kids maybe at the time. And I meet myself with compassion because that's a hard realization to see that like, oh my God, I've handcuffed my own kids in their own confidence and their own growth and their ability to make decisions. If I swoop in and be the hero all the time. All right, Enneagram Mates and finally, our beautiful, beautiful Enneagram Nines. You know, they are seeking harmony all the time. And because they are very instinctual in that instinctual center, they also think short game. A lot of time they're like, well, what's happening right now? I want harmony right now. And so they won't use their voice. They don't always use their opinion. They might even procrastinate, stonewall, maybe do some passive aggressive behaviors, right. For that temporary need for harmony, personally, professionally. This can make, in a professional situation, people might forget about you or they won't take you as seriously. They may not see you as a leader. They might, you know, just take advantage of that and barrel through on top of you. And then you might have underlying resentment because you feel like you're not being heard. People can't read your mind. And, and, and same thing in personal relationships. If you kind of come at it wishy washy and you don't have an opinion that can make the relationship feel stale or like you really don't care about the relationship. Even though you think you're doing this for Harmony, it's only temporary. And one of the things that I'll tell Enneagram Nines is using your voice might disrupt things temporarily. It might create short term conflict. But if you're here for the long game, and I know you all are, you're going for long game harmony here. And sometimes you gotta have some initial conflict. It won't feel good for an Enneagram Nine. That's their biggest fear is conflict. But you will have a lot less resentment. You will know who you are. People will admire that about you because you have the ability to articulate it in a beautiful way, especially when you don't suppress it it. And you will find that energy. You will be able to take more effective creative action. You will build your confidence. But in the front end of this, it will feel very disruptive. It will feel the opposite of harmony internally. But this takes time to build. But this is how you end up with a more holistic being in yourself. And it's way easier to flow elegantly through all areas of your life when you are kind of using this pause button to check yourself with compassion. You know, check yourself before you wreck yourself in your relationships and your professional life and your energy and your body. Meet it with compassion. You have been operating for decades this way. And I know if you are listening right now, you are into growth and you want to be the best version of yourself and you want to be in alignment and you want, you know, to be who you are always designed to be. But for so many of you, you've been operating in, in default for so long and it feels like that train that's going full speed ahead and then CR into a wall and then to try to get it going again. You can get away with it in your 20s and even part of your 30s, but by the time you hit 40 in my age, it's not as easy, trust me. And you're here for the long game. We all are. And you are here to do many mighty beautiful things in this world. Quit living by default. Quit living by default. This is by default. This is why the Enneagram is such a beautiful tool. Because it allows you to see where you might go by default. And it doesn't have to be so complicated. It's way easier to understand where you go by default and start reverse engineering with compassion. How to move through this and start rebuilding the muscle differently. It will take time. It will take your willingness to look at yourself with compassion. And I know that's really hard. I used to believe that the whipping stick was on myself, was the way to grow. And it actually does the opposite. And how we each pull out the whipping stick will look very, very different based on your Enneagram type. And that won't get you to growth. That won't have you being the holistic leader in you. We want to be in that flow and then stay in that flow no matter what life throws at you. And so you're going to have to learn, and I love helping you learn. The first and foremost, having the correct Enneagram type and knowing what you are. If you're going to use the framework of your type, which is really, really helpful, obviously you can get that accurate information on my website. It is an amazing, amazing process. You will get your own customized 75 page blueprint. It's like your guide to building this muscle all the Online assessments that are out there, paid and unpaid, are 65 to 70% of the time inaccurate. And so if you're going to use this beautiful growth tool, which next to my faith, it's the number one tool that I use, having the right information is the first and foremost starting point. So you can get that on my website at. You get your own customized Enneagram blueprint. It might surprise you. I get a lot of messages from you saying, holy, like, I had no idea. And this is all starting to make sense. And you know, you've got over 300 podcast episodes to start breaking that down. If you want to go at this on your own, and there's nothing wrong with that, but getting the right information is really, really key. If you do nothing else with me, please just go get your blueprint. Those are 95 plus percent accurate. It. They really, really, really are. And it's a beautiful resource to have to guide you. It's like your instruction manual. Now, if you really want to kind of have the fast pass to understanding what that means, you can book a 90 minute session with me currently that is also available on my website. Honestly, that 90 minutes will be so powerful in understanding your framework and knowing how to integrate it in your life. It's like having a guide for anything. Like, you know, if you want the fast pass to the front of the line to understand how to use this, that's how I roll. It's definitely, definitely worth the investment. And then obviously, if you want to take the full ride into a few months of this and having a guide absolutely lead you in real time in all areas of your life, that's what I do in my private VIP one on one coaching. You get daily access to me in real time. It's like, okay, this is happening in my life now. What does this mean? And how do I move forward and how do I elegantly flow through all areas of my life like this? That's what that private VIP coaching, that's by application only. I literally only have a spot for maybe one. I had one spot clear up this last week, so I can take one more if that is you. If you have already gotten through part of January and you're like, oh, this is not going how I imagined it four weeks ago when the new year started. Now might be the time to consider that, that seriously, the years and the days move very, very fast. And having a guide take you through that whole process definitely can help you become that, that leader in your life that doesn't feel like you're wearing all these different hats all the time. I want you to wear one hat and I can show you how to wear all the beautiful, beautiful, magical different ways that you can do it so that you're living by design and stepping into the leader that you always wanted to be. I'm very excited to finish out the month strong with you. If you have any questions, you know where to find me on Instagram at Tracy Underscore o' Malley if you have a team or a group or a family and you want to dive deeper as a group, I do customized workshops. I'm coming off my fifth one in the month already. I love them. It's one of my favorite things to do. And stay tuned. There's going to be more cool things to do as a group. Even if you're an individual and don't have much of a group or or anything like that in your life, you have an opportunity to learn from other people, which that's coming soon. I love you. I appreciate you as always. I'm wishing you much love and transformation in your life.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.