EP316: Enriching the LOVE in your life with the Enneagram

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are. But what the hell do you do with it? Great news.

You are in the right place.

Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life.

In fact, in true enneagram 8 style.

I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into.

It well over a decade ago.

Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding.

Of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about.

The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of Breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career, and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hey. Hey. Welcome back to Lead with the Enneagram. And we are in the month of love and even out of February. One of the number one questions I get about is relationships and Enneagram types and, you know, all the things and the dynamics that come in a romantic partnership and whatever that looks like for you. It is the number one question I get. And even though I'm not like a huge fan of the. The holiday and the commercialization of a holiday, I'm going to tell you something. I am a romantic at heart. And I do believe that we are all here to connect with one another. Whether that's romantic or not, that's a whole different story. And I think that we're here to learn from each other. And whatever romantic partnerships you've had in your life have served something for you. Now, I know that if you have experienced extreme traumas or abuse or whatever that looks like for you, that it might be hard to see that. And I get that I have had some shitty, shitty things happen in romantic partnerships that at the time. And even though there was some not so beautiful things that went on to speak it lightly, I do see on the other side of it how all these romantic partnerships were here for me to learn more about myself and to heal some of the stuff that I learned long, long ago. And I will save all of that in depth Stu another day because it is important. It is important. And the Enneagram can really help you make sense of maybe why you've chosen who you've chosen, why you've attracted who you've attracted, why you maybe tolerated things that you did, and maybe why you've blocked some things that you have, right? But the Enneagram, really what I love about it is it allows you to see the perspective from nine different ways. And although you go into default based on your core Enneagram type, chances are you have a partner that maybe translates that really, really differently. And that polarity is usually what attracts us in the beginning, you know, because it's different, it's new, it's something that we lack or something we desire that isn't easily accessible, maybe to us naturally, right? But then we get into it and it's like, oh, my goodness, this thing that was so endearing in the beginning now really pisses me off. And, you know, as somebody who has been married before, and just for a little more credibility, I have been married before, well over a decade. I was married 14 years. I've now been divorced for 15. I've been in a few long term relationships. I have been on dating sabbaticals, my longest being seven years without one date. And currently I am in a relationship that is sometimes complicated. So I want you to know that whatever your situation, I get it. I have also been in abusive relationships a couple of times in my history in romantic partnerships. And so although we're using the Enneagram as a beautiful tool, I'm telling you, had I had this information sooner, maybe it would have spared me some heartbreak. But I do believe that we experience the things that we do, when we do for deeper lessons, deeper learning, and overall bigger blessings for our life. And this is where compassion can make its way into your life, not only for you, but maybe for the people you've loved along the way. And so how I like to break it down, a lot of the times with love and couples and partnerships that are of the romantic nature, using the Enneagram is usually when people come to me and have the questions of, like, you know, what types work best together, it usually means that you're having some kind of crisis within your romantic partnership. And I will tell you this. The relationship I'm currently in is the only one I have been in since my awareness and understanding and integration of the Enneagram. And I can tell you this even with as much personal development as I've done, as much as I facilitate, honestly, without understanding what I understand about him based on his Enneagram type, there are ways I would have blown up this relationship or acted out in certain ways, or, you know, been wrapped into my own codependent patterns, or I have a disorganized attachment style. When I'm in an active dysfunction, you know, I am more of that secure attachment generally. But when I am triggered, I do have that more disorganized attachment style. And using an understanding and really looking through my romantic partner with the lens of the Enneagram has allowed me to communicate better. And usually when there's a breakdown in your love relationship, which is usually the most intimate relationship in your life, it's almost always a breakdown in communication. And the framework of the Enneagram can give you some better tools to navigate those things. It doesn't mean that it's not hard, or it's without vulnerability and pain at times, or that it's easy. It isn't. But just like any tool, the more that you use it, the easier this gets. Now, if you're thinking about the person in your life or the person you want to attract. So sometimes I'll get this. If you're in a relationship that's having some rocky bits, right? Or you are venturing out and you have told the universe and God and the divine, all knowing that you are ready and you want and you desire and you deserve a loving partnership if you're like me. Part of the reason why I went on the sabbatical for seven years is because I was. I was so not wanting to repeat my part in things, right? I wanted to understand myself. And I will say this. Whether you're in a relationship or not, whether you desire one or not, understanding yourself at a deeper level will really allow you to maybe see things that you have ignored before or you weren't aware of. It will allow you to know where you might have blind spots and to keep an extra eye out for. With compassion, of course. But when it comes to loving someone else and looking through their lens, if it isn't the same as yours, that's usually where the power struggle comes in. You know, love is what makes the world go Round in a lot of ways, it's what gives us that oxytocin. It's my favorite drug of all is that oxytocin. And there is something beautiful about it. And you know, obviously not just romantic love, you know, all kinds of love. But today we're going to be talking about romantic love. It's hard to define because it means different things to different people, you know, but it is a feeling in the heart. And you know, for my heart centered enneagram types, my 2, 3 and 4, that looks really different than somebody that's in the body center like me, the eights, nines and ones, or the thinking or mind centers, the five, sixes and sevens, right? We can care for another person, we feel something for them. Yet there is so much more to love than just feelings, right? And so the enneagram framework can be a tool that allows you to see through their lens. You know, this is like the love languages on big time steroids, right? And instead of breaking it down by each personality type, I really, really, really encourage you to understand the centers of intelligence and the three brains or the three centers of energy within our whole body. Because this is holistic, right? Even though your core enneagram type resides and defaults to one of these centers, we use all three. We use all three. It's why when I do individual sessions or partner sessions, we go through the tri types, your tri types that are unique to you. And how you might in the different centers, again, that's another topic for another day. But when we understand the center for ourselves, the centers that we default to and the ones that our romantic partner defaults to, you can really eliminate some of the conflict that comes up or the. The tug of war that happens, right? But this also allows us to maybe express and communicate how we want to be loved and also how we might love other people, right? So the love map in our body and our soul is based on patterns, right? And this is how we organize our communication with others. And it's why I love the centers of intelligence and the tri types again, you know, platonic love that looks a little bit different in how we show up. It's maybe not necessarily as vulnerable in certain ways, but for those of you that fall into the body center, the instinctual center center. And before I get into that, how I like to explain the enneagram is we have our body and we have our intuition, right? That's at the center. This is the center of who we are. This is our holistic being. This is everything before the world takes over and we start comparing or we start reacting, or we have these instincts that are keeping us safe, certain or significant, right? If we just lived in our intuition and our body as a compass, honestly, the Enneagram wouldn't even come into play. But we're human beings and we have experiences. And why I love the Enneagram is this is where nature and nurture kind of come together. So the goal with the Enneagram is to have us honoring our intuition and our nervous system and our body even more. But because we have a lot of muscle memory when it comes to reacting, responding, dealing, coping, communicating, we have to kind of break down that muscle in order to build it back up. And the framework of the Enneagram can help you do that a lot faster. But when we default out of our intuition in our body, we in into our personality, right? This is where the Enneagram comes into play. And if your core Enneagram type, that does not change your default type. And if you aren't sure what that is, or if you've taken an online assessment, know that they're inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time. You can get accurate typing through me me at my website or through a individual or partner session. That's part of it. But if you default into the body center, which is the eights, the nines and the ones, the challengers, the peacemakers and the reformers. So that body based love, they're into what is happening right now, right? That's where they default to. So what that might look like in love is doing for another person taking action on their behalf. It might be combined with a positive emotional state, but maybe not necessarily. You know, that instinctual center has an inherent like I am here for you right here, right now. Right. It's why that is. They're really good in the present moment. It's where they go to first. A lot of people that fall into the body center, and this is just in general, this isn't yes or, or a hundred percent either way. But because those three types default to what is happening right of their love language. Big, big love languages that I see are quality time or acts of service. A lot of times these three aren't necessarily words of affirmation or gifts. They're all about like how you can help me make my life better right now. What also comes into play is your instinct. So this also comes when you get typed accurately by me. We find out your instinctual response to life. And this can make any Enneagram type look a little different. So if you are a self preserv type, that type take care of one another through providing safety, security, shelter, comfort, anything that's attention to health and well being of a loved one. So that can be for any of the types. But since we're talking about the body center right now, the self preservation 8, 9 and 1 might be limited to oneself and one's family or inner circle. They may not like branch out too broad, but that is also the type that might work hard to provide for you. That might be the way that they express love. So if you're in a relationship with a self preservation, specifically 8, 9 and 1, you know, they are very much an act of service person typically. Now the one on one type has its own survival kind of value when it comes to love. And because that one on one type is about the intensity of an experience and bonds with other people, this is where I fall. That's why they can be very passionate. And it doesn't necessarily mean in the bedroom, but I'm going to tell you that's true. But it can also, they do things that support attachment and bonding even without involvement of the heart center. This might contribute to the well being of another through intimacy, physical pleasure. I'm a very touchy feely person with somebody that I care about, not necessarily the world, but with people I care about. So the one on one instincts might be more of a physical touch person too. Again, not 100%, but something to consider. And with the social instinct, people taking action on behalf of the friends, your tribe, your nation or humanity as a whole, big time acts of service for sure. But for the body center, the instinctual center, all three of these different instincts can play out into what's happening right now and how they love you right now, right? That self preservation will take care of you, comfort you. The one on one instinct will create intimate bonds with you and the social instinct will take action for you. Now in the heart center, the twos, threes and fours, the helper, the achiever and the individualist, they kind of default to what has happened, right? So they kind of seek evidence in the past in the way that they communicate, in the way that they make decisions, right. You know, they make decisions from feelings where the other center, the body, they make decisions based on doing. These three make decisions and communicate and take action based on feelings. And you can see where that isn't always effective. Neither is doing. Sometimes the doers need to just chill the hell out, right? But understanding the person you love, this will make a lot more sense and allow you to have better understanding. And when you have better understanding of what motivates that, instead of assuming that they're doing it to piss you off or that it's selfish or any of the things, this is where compassion can find room. And when we are communicating with compassion, there's always somewhere we can find peace. You know, this is difficult if you have a partner that maybe isn't open to this. And then you'll have to make decisions on your own, but that's a whole nother story. But as human beings, we have this system, limbic system, that governs our emotions and supports our bonding and attachment with partners. This furthers the survival of our species, obviously, but most people, with a few exceptions, have strong emotional responses towards people they care about. I know you're capable of empathy, compassion and devotion. And we know when someone is listening to us and empathizing with your heart, we are moved by the joy and also the suffering of others. Others. And the twos, threes and fours feel this more intuitively than other people. Doesn't mean they always act on it. Right. The problem with emotional love is that it can turn into the opposite. Right. If we only love with our feelings, what happens when our feelings change? So if you're in a partnership or you are a 2, 3 and 4, this is something that can feel like, oh my gosh, you feel all over the place. And there's a saying that love brings up everything, unlike love. Like, love is the greatest muscle builder in love, but it can, it can make it feel like, oh my gosh, it's just not worth it. Meaning that when, when, when you open your heart in a close relationship, you also open the door to any unworked or repressed feelings from your past. And when these feelings are blamed on the other person, this is where shit goes sideways. And this is also like if you don't have the compassion and wherewithal to turn the mirror inward with gentleness, you're going to end up with the same packages, maybe just different wrapping paper. Right. Romantic love for majority of people in the world is a relatively new development in human history. I think that we all desire it, even those of you like me, who maybe were afraid of it for a long, long time, or maybe you've said it's just easier without it. Yeah, in some ways that's true. But we're also missing a key part of life without connection with another human being. And it doesn't always have to be marriage or romance or whatever. But romance provides fuel for the fire of the Heart center. It does. It really, really does. But romantic, like that oxytocin rush of romantic love can wear off over time and it can be reignited, right? But this is where communication comes into play. So if you love or are a two, three, or four, being aware that you make decisions based on feelings and knowing that those feelings can change multiple times through a day doesn't mean you always have to act on them. And knowing whether it's you or your partner kind of moves like this. And I'm in a relationship with somebody in the heart center, and it is very hard for me and very triggering because when he's not feeling a certain way, and it isn't necessarily about me, but in general, those feelings dictate how he kind of shows up in the world. And for somebody like me who is very instinctual and in the right now, if I'm not aware and taking full ownership of my responsibility in the relationship, I can get very cold. I can be abandoning, I can be cutting if I'm not careful, right? So it's really important to understand. Okay? Finally, for my head center, my fives, six and sevens, you kind of operate. And if you love a 5, 6 or 7, they operate in the what could happen center, right? Love from the head center is about seeing an appreciation of someone else. There is a saying that to love someone, you have to see who they really are. Otherwise you might get caught in your own projections and idealizations, especially as a forward thinker. By default, my five, six and sevens, when reality kind of intrudes and the other person fails to meet your expectations, do you no longer love them? Right? Where the feeling center can get all caught into the feelings, the head center can get all caught up into analyzing it, right? And then you start questioning. And when, when the romantic oxytocin wears off or the activity of the instincts subsides, you can see and appreciate, you know, your partner, your spouse, whatever, for who they really are. But what if you feel abandoned by them or angry at them? You still may be able to feel some empathy. But the head center love doesn't necessarily require this because they kind of process it through analyzing. It's a different kind of positive regard, for sure. For example, you may have experienced a dispassionate gaze of someone who has seen you in a powerful way, yet is not very involved emotionally. Right? Tough love is important at times when you need to speak the truth to someone or maybe even yourself, when things are getting a little out of hand or something's in a destructive pattern, it does go well with empathy, it really, really does. But seeing and understanding what needs to happen takes priority over feeling sometimes, especially for the forward thinking head center. So if you've been involved with the Enneagram over time, you know that the system of the nine types, all nine Enneagram types, helps you understand and see people more clearly, to not take things so personally and to stay more constant in your positive regard for others, even when their personality is irritating or difficult, or even when it really does feel fucking personal. Because even when it's not, it still can feel that way. And I don't want you to minimize that, right? But understanding that it isn't and being able to communicate like you can understand and have compassion for someone and still effectively call it out in a way that isn't judgmental or accusatory or any of those things. But understanding and integrating the framework of the Enneagram will support you in making a choice repeatedly to honor the real person inside of you, the real person inside of that romantic partnership. Even when you don't feel like it. This is really hard when you feel like you're hurting. And I've had to do this over the course of the last few years in my relationship. It's not easy, but it's way easier to understand where he is, even when it's hurting me, and speak it not from a place of ferocious anger, even when I am angry, but to more effectively communicate. Like, I don't like this behavior and I don't know if I can stay in this. I want to, but this does not feel good. And I understand this might be where this is going for you in a certain way in your life, but you, you really cause a lot less, having to sift through what the real, the root of the real conflict is. Or maybe you're just in a rough patch or you've taken each other for granted, or whatever that looks like, right? Using the. The framework of the Enneagram and integrating it into your relationship will allow you to move through this stuff because it's nature the beast. Anytime we're in any relationship, it is the biggest flex of our emotional intelligence. It's also the biggest revelation of where we still need to work. Right? But I'm telling you right now, when we can use this tool in a way that is for good, not to win or not to prove anything. When it's used that way, it's a beautiful thing, right? There are countless books and films, and right now we're hearing all the songs and, and all the movies around, you know, Love. But rarely do we see or hear anything that describes love in three different centers of intelligence, each with its own style and potential, and understanding the centers of intelligence independently and knowing how they function independently. It's really cool. Instinctual love doesn't necessarily involve the heart center, right? Sometimes it seems limited to material security. Emotional love does not necessarily involve the head center, and it may feel unstable sometimes. Seeing and appreciating each other from the head center does not necessarily involve any physical activity on their behalf, but it could. And when, when you understand your framework and your tri type, your tri type is how you dominate in each of the centers and that you get clarity on when you do a one on one session with me or a partner session with me. Really revealing, really, really revealing. And obviously your default center is where you go. But using all three of the centers when it comes to love in particular will give you a more holistic, fulfilling, honoring, kind of romantic part for yourself. And this is true for each of the nine Enneagram types. Right? So what do you do now? Right. I know that if I've spent many, many times throughout my 50 something years, this month of the year, feeling like I want it, but I don't, I have it, but I don't want it, you know, I've experienced all the different kinds of romantic love you can probably experience. But what I want you to do is first and foremost understand yourself. Understand how others also might receive you, and taking personal accountability and responsibility for that. You know, knowing myself the way that I do and know how intense I can get, and also when I feel like something's not right and how I withdraw and how cold that can feel like, that's my personal responsibility to understand it and communicate what's happening for myself with kindness, compassion, empathy, grace, all the things. And I'm human, so I don't always get it right, but also how to help that other person, right? Not necessarily taking their inventory or anything like that, but really, really important to understand those that you really, really love, your, your partner, how they operate and where they go to by default. It's super helpful and will eliminate a lot of the struggles that maybe you have or want to avoid in the future. So start with yourself first and foremost. At the very minimum, go get your Enneagra blueprint. You will get typed accurately by me. And you will also find out your subtype, which is that self preservation, the one on one, or the social type, which can definitely dictate how you show up, you know, instinctually in relationships of romantic nature. You also Understand your wings and your growth and stress numbers and how that framework works together for you. But the real holy Grail is spending 90 minutes with me, either by yourself or with your partner. It's powerful. Now, if your partner isn't necessarily on board for that, I would say start with yourself. Or if you're not sure, start with yourself. But this is a beautiful, beautiful gift for your partner if they are somebody that raises their hand and says, I want to grow with you and I, I do want to learn more about each other and maybe where we get tripped up or where we can thrive. I am doing tons of couple sessions and partner sessions right now and and it's super objective and it's with both of taking accountability for how you show up in the relationship. Even if you feel like maybe you're pulling all the weight. It's a beautiful opportunity to see your partner through a different lens and them see you in a different lens. There's something so beautiful about it. And when we understand people, we really do start to understand everything and everything gets a lot easier. You can get all of that information@tracy o'malley.com the work with me section. Highly, highly, highly recommend you going and getting that up. Whether it's just for yourself to understand yourself better if you're, especially if you're not in a relationship right now, or if you've been through a lot in relationships and you were like, me. And you're like, yeah, no, it's a big hard no for me, girl. One of the best things I ever did was understand myself through the lens of the enneagram so that when my partner showed up, even though there's stuff that really do trigger me there, I'm able to elegantly move through it, learn from it, grow through it, communicate better and thrive in that relationship. And I want the same for you and yours. Seriously, I wish you so much love and transformation in your life. Go right now, go to the Work With Me section@trace o'malley.com it would be my honor to guide you through the process and send you on your way to feeling so appreciated in the love relationship in your life. Share this episode with somebody that you think might need to hear it today. If you loved this podcast or if you've listened and you appreciate what I bring to the table, please go and leave a review if you feel called. If you are somebody that has a podcast, you know how valuable that is. It's how more people become aware of this. It's an honor to be one of the top enneagram podcasts out there and I get tons of new listeners that tell me I have never heard it the way that you teach it. I I have several Enneagram certified coaches out there who come to me for mentorship and guidance because I do teach it and guide it in a totally different way in a way that actually you can use in your life in the day to day. That's why I am the integration specialist and I want you to love and lead using the Enneagram so that you can have the life that you've always desired and the one that you deserve. Wishing you so much love and transformation. We'll see you soon.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also also find additional resources on my website@traceeomalley.com I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.