EP321: The Top 5 Ways To Navigate Challenging Conversations

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are.

But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place.

Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into.

It well over a decade ago.

Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding.

Of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about.

The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate.

Way, and then help you lead others.

That way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hey. Hey. Welcome back to another episode of Lead with the Enneagram. And I was talking with a friend the other day about hard conversations, and for some people it might be easier than others. And you know, I want you to know, even if you are one of the more assertive Enneagram types, and it may appear that they have an easier time with challenging conversations. Just because they might be more bold and unafraid of conflict doesn't necessarily mean they're very effective. And so I wanted to bring you all together, all the Enneagram types, talking about the gifts of challenging conversations and the top five ways to navigate them. Because I don't care how effective you are as a leader. And I will tell you this, the more that you step into your gifts, the more challenging conversations you probably are going to have to have. And the reason that is is because as we continue to grow, if the people in our life, professionally and personally, aren't growing, we're kind of changing the rules on the dynamics of the relationship and the communication. And so just because you're growing doesn't mean we just F them and leave them behind. Like that's not being effective. And one of the greatest things in leadership, the best leaders are the ones willing to not just have the hard conversations, but navigate them elegantly. And so I wanted to give you all a few things. You know, most people, even my more more assertive types, do their best to avoid conflict. And even when the situation is uncomfortable, it might seem like the path of least resistance is to wait out the discomfort, sweep it under the rug, avoid them, ghost them. X them out of your life. However, avoiding difficult convers conversations doesn't make it go away. And having them can substantially improve all areas of your life. Even if the conversation ends in a way that you didn't see coming or you didn't want, on the other side of it, you will see why it was required. Last year, I had to have several hard conversations. Some people opted out of them. They didn't want any part of it. And that's okay too. Like, although it was hurtful and didn't feel good and it felt very personal, I honestly knew that they weren't prepared to take ownership of their part. I certainly am willing always at this point to take ownership of it. But on the other side of it, even though it wasn't fun and all the things, I have grown so much and made room for some beautiful things. So sometimes when we avoid these challenging conversations, you're blocking your own blessings, right? And if we just keep avoiding it, avoiding it, even if that situation we think we get out of it, you know, we're like, dodge that bullet. If we don't repair it, we repeat it, and the same package will keep showing up, even if it shows up in different wrapping paper. So honestly, it's better to rip the band aid off. But I want to give you some beautiful tools on how to handle these challenging conversations a little more elegantly. You know, many of you fear having those difficult conversations will damage your relationships or negatively impact your professional life. And in reality, avoiding them can lead to resentment and create even bigger rifts between people. So the first thing I wanted to kind of talk about is what you need to know about having these conversations. Conflict isn't bad necessarily. Now, how we handle the conflict, that part gets a really bad rap. But conflict actually is the greatest catalyst for change, right? See, I got 50 years under my belt here, y'. All, and I have enough evidence and enough receipts to show that even when I didn't enjoy the conflict or I tried to avoid it. On the other side of it were some of the biggest changes I needed to make in my life, no matter how much I resisted it at the time. These difficult conversations are necessary, are a necessary part of working well with others. Those that you love, those that you lead. And reaching an understanding is often the first step toward creating a better environment. An environment, I'm telling you right now, is so much stronger than any willpower. Even all my, my tough enneagram eights out there. It is so, so important that we kind of get a handle on this. So avoiding conflict can cause big rifts in your professional life. Ignored conversations lead to lower engagement, lower performance, lower productivity, a crappier culture. And culture is so, so important. And most people leave their place of employment not necessarily about pay, it's about the opportunity for growth and the environment and the culture. So you guys, this environment is so strong and if you are raising your hand and saying, I want to grow and I want to be a next level leader and I want to do all these things, then you have to take inventory of your environment and you're responsible for your part in that as well. So how do we do this? First and foremost, we have to prep for the conversation. Now if you are a more reactive type. Hello fours, sixes and eights. They're very reactive. They're very reactive in different ways. This prep means pause, right? Pause. This has been the biggest muscle I personally have needed to build because especially when you're triggered or somebody pisses you off or your biggest fear is getting like nicked a little bit, it can be very hard to pause and prep. Often you go into a tough conversation with your own outcome in mind, with your tunnel vision. And when this is weighing on you, it's normal to imagine a solution without consideration of the other people involved. So it's crucial to remember that these types of conversations should be dialogue, not a monologue. Big, big, big important thing. I again, I had to build this muscle. Pretty strong. Self awareness, self reflection, empathy, play key roles in having an open discussion. And without properly preparing for the conversation, it is almost certain that a tough talk will end in hurt feelings and more fracture in the relationship. And just because we're having a conversation, even if we handle it the most beautiful way, doesn't mean it's going to end the way that you want. So really taking an inventory of how you're feeling about the situation before you have the conversation so your own emotions don't surprise you. Also taking Your own personal inventory, not theirs, but your personal inventory on your role in the dilemma can help you see what's at the core of the issue. That's your part. I'm going to tell you right now that it always takes two. Even if it is glaringly obvious that this person has done you dirty, I'm telling you right now, you've played a role. Whether it's co signing it, whether it's sweeping it under the rug, whether you haven't used your voice, whether you insert what's going on for you, right? You always play a role. And the more that you can kind of approach the conversation head on, knowing it, the less chance you have of exploding and taking this down a place you. You don't want it to go. Now, if this involves like your boss or a spouse, like, this is like crucial, right? This is your most intimate partner or the person that controls part of your livelihood. You know you're not alone. That this is. This is scary and hard. But prepping for this can help it make a little bit more manageable. Starting a tough conversation can feel hard. Believe it or not, I don't love them either. Especially if your biggest fear could happen in that conversation, right? But avoiding it makes the problem bigger. It creates more anxiety, more fear. Health problems. Burnout. Passive aggressive behavior. Aggressive behavior. So here are some five things to help you make having these challenging conversations a little bit easier. Number one is why I love the Enneagram. And again, I will always say this before I have any conversation because I like to be right. I like to fight all the things you know. The Enneagram 8 loves to flex. But the number one thing is perspective, not just yours, consider their perspective as well. This is why the knowing the Enneagram can be super helpful. Even if you don't know their Enneagram type. If you know they're different than you kind of really taking a look at what the motives and the fears are of the person that you're talking to, even if you can't stand them, right? Like this is I. I had some of the most challenging things happen last year. And I really like the old me, wanted to bury their body. I'm not kidding. However, I was like, okay, what was my part in it? Check, check, check. See that? What is their perspective? Why. Why are they so angry at me? Or why are they pissed off? Or why are they ghosting me? And this is the first part is considering their perspective. Often these conversations feel difficult because you're hung up on your own perspective. And I'm not saying it's we abandon self abandon or any of those things. Especially when you have like a solution in mind, you may not be open to hearing other solutions or points of view. So setting your view of the situation aside for a moment and looking at it from the other person's perspective, a lot of times, especially when people are acting out or ghosting out or whatever the behavior is that you're kind of addressing. Again, the behavior is kind of covering up the motive and the fear. And for my enneagram people, whether you know their type or not, try and look at their behavior or the things that are bothering you and the reason you're having the hard conversation and try and understand what is the motive behind that or what is it that they're really afraid of. Not just what we see on the surface. Right. You may not fully understand their perspective right now, but getting yourself to a place where you are in a place of compassion and empathy and where you're interested in actually discovering what's going on for them, this can help you have those feelings of empathy during and on the other side of the conversation. Number two is having an open mind and a little bit of flexibility. You can have an end goal. Absolutely. I absolutely approach conversations with what I would like to happen and how can I be most my part be most effective in getting there. If you go in with having an agenda and it can make it feel very one sided, people can feel ganged up on or blindsided. And I'm going to tell you right now that never ends well. No matter how freaking right you are, if you kind of come in hot and unflexible, it won't matter. So it is important to go into it knowing that ideal outcome, but be ready to compromise once you have a deeper understanding of the other person's perspective experience. This is why part one and the pause is so, so important. It doesn't mean you're going to know everything, but the more that you settle into that, the more when things start to amp up a little bit, you will be able to kind of have that compassion and empathy. The objective of the conversation is to reach understanding first. If you already have your own solution in mind, there's nowhere for the exchange to go. And entering the conversation with an intention to be flexible and open minded can help you both see eye to eye quicker. It also takes that emot charge out of it. I'm not guaranteeing that the person on the other end of this is ready to receive that which number three kind of takes you to listen, listen more than you talk. And this is really, really important. And, and this might be where you understand that the person on the receiving end may not want to own their part. They may not want to see your perspective, they may not want to admit their part in any of this, right? And this is kind of the spot where you start to discern. But when you expect a conversation to go a certain way, you might rehearse it in your head a little bit in advance. And while that helps you maybe define your perspective, it really could hamper your listening too. It's like, it's almost like when we memorize things, if something comes in and throws us off, like the whole thing gets thrown off. And when we're kind of operating from our own agenda and our own wanting to get our voice heard, you're not going to hear their heart, even if it's explosive, right? So listening intently and aiming to understand the person you're talking to, ask questions as needed and really pause and care and listen and be curious about their answers. Making a concerted effort not to think about your response while the other person is sharing. This is something I've also had to learn as somebody who's more reactive, right? So listening more than you talk, notice the body cues, your own and the other person's. This is why also understanding your core enneagram type and your growth and stress numbers and your wings and your tri type can really, really help when this is happening. I know that when I'm starting to feel my heart race and the heat fly off my body, I need to drop in and listen. Not listening to respond, but listening to hear, understand and care. And I can tell usually in this part, part three, whether or not the person in front of me is going to be honest with themselves, open minded or willing to come to resolution and compromise, right? It doesn't mean they're a bad person, it doesn't mean they're an asshole. But you can't do a lot with somebody like that. But sometimes, like, especially if this is a work situation or your spouse, you still can't avoid this conversation. But this takes me to number four, which is self honoring practices, right? Tough conversations can be really draining emotionally, physically, spiritually. And it's really, really crucial to take care of yourself and to keep these difficult conversations into turning into a fight. So checking in on what you need, this is discernment right here. This is understanding your nervous system, which is another reason why the enneagram can help you. Because when you know when fears are nicked or you're afraid you're getting backed into a corner specific to your enneagram type, you're going to be able, instead of just exploding and acting out in behaviors, you can get into regulating your nervous system and honoring your intuition. Kind of taking that inventory when you need a break, stepping out for air, pausing the conversation and sleeping on it when you need to. Especially if you start to feel like your empathy and compassion is going in the tank, continue the conversation later. Now, depending on the person in front of you, they might try to poke the bear. Maybe you are the one that wants to poke the bear and doesn't do this part. I'm going to tell you right now, this is where you keep your side of the street clean. Because when we are continuing and engaging in these hard conversations, when we are drained, or when it feels like it's not going anywhere, even if it is against everything you've ever done to pause or to flex. Keeping your side of the street clean means sometimes walking away for a short period of time. You don't have to come to a conclusion right away, right? There's no time limit on how to navigate these challenging conversations. Necessarily take the time you need to have a respectful and intentional conversation. Now, if that person is coming in hot at you, this is kind of when you have really strong, beautiful boundaries, as empathetic as possible. And I, I've had this situation with my son, you know, an enneagram too. And when they're under extreme stress, they can look like an enneagram. Eight, right? And he'll come at me and that he wants the fight, right? And in the past, of course, I'd put on the boxing gloves knowing that that's not going to end well, right? And when I'm kind of saying, hey, listen, I know you're upset and I know you're hurting and you're stressed and you don't feel heard and understood. And I really want to respect that. But right now it's getting way too heated and I think we both need a break. I promise you I won't leave you hanging. I won't ghost you out. I won't ignore this. We're not sweeping it under the rug. But I think we both need a quick timeout, maybe sometimes even a long one. This is where the self honoring can come into play. Doesn't mean we ignore it or avoid it. We do have to revisit it. But this is a really, really important part. But if you haven't done number three, where you're listening more than talking, the chances are you're not going to listen to your own body either. And this is really important for regulating your nervous system. So, so important. And finally now there's lots of other moving parts, but these are the really the, the nuts and bolts of having challenging conversation coming together. Even if it's an ending, right? Coming together. And again the person on the receiving end may not see it this way. You know, I usually will talk to a person like let's come up with something. We can own the solutions together. Now very often that may not work well, but if you're married to this person or in a intimate relationship or it's a friendship that like you're here to go the distance with your child, obviously it's not necessarily going to end. Or a business, business partner, even if you already have an end goal in mind, coming to a solution is kind of a joint effort. Even if the solution is you part ways, right. You may believe you have the right solution to fix the problem, but you may come to an even better conclusion with this partner that you're having a conversation with. It may not, right? But again you want to approach this conversation being effective and solution oriented. Exploring solutions or walking away, both agreeing to disagree. If you can reach some kind of understanding and creating some plan or roadmap toward a solution that works for both of you where it's a win win, that's ideal. I'm not saying it's always going to happen this way. Quite often it doesn't, right? But the more open you are to find a resolution of some sort and you know, going back through one through four, right? Seeing their perspective, being open minded and flexible, listening more than you're talking self honoring practices, even if it ends with you parting ways. I know when I have done these, even if it hurts, even if it doesn't feel good, I know that like I did the very best I could in the most honoring, empathetic, compassionate way. And when you do that, even the hardest of conversations don't have to drain you or take you out. And you can end the conversation when you know and you both know that you did your best to find a resolution. A lot of times before I even start the conversation, if it's, if it's a conversation you absolutely have to have. Now I've had situations where I absolutely could have a challenging conversation, but sometimes there is absolutely no way the person on the other end is honest with themselves. And I don't mean that in a judgmental way, but they're hurting, right? And all they can see is red if they're not open minded to seeing their part as well as, you know, maybe what you've done. If they're not willing to come to resolution and brainstorm and, and have compassion and empathy, honestly, I opt out of the conversation totally. Unless of course, it has to happen right. If it's somebody I'm very close to, if it's a business partner, if it's a client, if it's my children. But there have been people in my life that in the past I would have opted into a conversation because I was hurt, I was mad. In fact, a lot of people that are close to me, they're like, don't you want to know what happened? I'm like, honestly, like of course because I'm hurting because of it. But I also know the person chose this way out because they weren't open, they weren't honest with themselves, they weren't willing to take accountability of their part. And that's, that's okay. I don't need to be right. I want to be effective. And that means sometimes conserving our own energy. And especially when you know a situation, there's no way it can be resolved. I'd rather bank all that energy rather than deplete myself in a conversation that really the person on the other end isn't. Using these five ways to navigate the challenging conversation. So especially after you have a conversation, if it's in your calendar, make sure you buffer in some time after. Absolutely. You know, you still benefit from having it. But be intentional about self honoring, self reflection and especially once, you know, on the other side of it, the conversations I've had that, you know, ended in parting ways, it's been really, really cool to take that time to rest and see like, oh, I didn't see that while I was in it, but now on the other side of it, I can right. Take time to calm down again. Nervous system regulation is really, really key. Taking a walk outside and reflecting on any unexpected feelings that maybe you experience. It takes a lot of courage to learn and practice how to have these challenging conversations. And honestly, this is probably one of the things I'm most proud of. It is. It's one of the things I'm most proud of. Even though I looked like I was really good at challenging conversation, I had no fear. I wasn't very effective and I wasn't very open minded and I wasn't really honest with myself for a lot of my life. A lot of that came because of trauma and unresolved. But if you are somebody that wants to be A leader in your life, personally, in your home, professionally out in the world, with great reward comes great responsibility. And this is part of, part of the program. And if you're learning how to have difficult conversations with people and you're not sure how to navigate that, obviously knowing your Enneagram type will give you a roadmap to really understand yourself seriously. You can get your Enneagram blueprint where you are typed accurately through my assessment and you will get your own customized 75 page blueprint. It is like your roadmap. And honestly, knowing the eight ways and how I respond to a lot of things, and knowing what triggers me and what most fearful of and what motivates everything I do allows me to be in these five different steps more elegantly. If you are in a situation and you need a guide, knowing your Enneagram type isn't automatically going to say, great, I can have hard conversations. It's what you do with that information. And if you might be in a little bit of a crisis with some hard things in your life, you might want 90 minutes with me to guide you through that. Obviously, you will also get your Enneagram type accurate. You'll also get your blueprint. But sometimes having a guide help you navigate this in real time absolutely can help you build this muscle in navigating challenging conversations. This is a key to strong leadership in your homes and out in the world. And the more that you are willing to take these risks and do the hard things, the more that the abundance and the blessings can come rolling in. Because when we have all this unfortunately attended to clutter, right? And the more that we've swept things under the rug or we're avoiding these conversations, I want you to know you're blocking the very thing that you say you desire and the very thing you deserve. So honestly, I'd love to help you start really building the bridge to this part of your life so that you can have these boundless amounts of energy so you can have the relationships and and partnerships that you want in your life. But it all starts with you. As always, I am here to guide you on this journey. I'm so grateful that you take the time to listen in and take this wisdom leading with the enneagram to heart and to grow your lives and your homes and your businesses and your hearts in ways that maybe you never once thought possible. As always, I'm wishing you so much love and transformation and I'll talk to you in a few days.

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You into the next level of your life, Sam.