EP332: How the Black Sheep Becomes the GOAT—Are You Ready to Be the Cycle Breaker?

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you.

You need to know all about it.

So here you are.

But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place.

Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into.

It well over a decade ago.

Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding.

Of how to help you implement this.

Into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hello. Hello. Welcome back to another episode of Lead with the Enneagram. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, and today is a kind of special day because you know what? Your girl over here turned 51 yesterday.

Quite a feat in of itself. And I am not somebody who typically enjoys their birthday. And you know, for many, many years, if you've been listening a long time, this time of year, I kind of gained new perspective on what that's about and all the things, you know, growing up, I wasn't. I didn't feel very celebrated. There was a lot of stuff around my birth and my birthday and me coming into this world that it wasn't celebrated. In fact, it felt like it was a problem for a lot of the people in my life. And mind you, like, the 51 year old in me understands the perspective of my parents at the time and the stories that have been told around that. But when I was processing and building beliefs around my birthday and my worthiness here on earth. Those stories created beliefs and patterns and thoughts around my birthday. And although last year for my 50th, I was more open to celebrating it, this year rolled around and I was very like, eh, I, I don't need it. And for you guys today, I want to talk about something that I know is pinging on the hearts of many of you. You know, I've, I've worked with thousands of people over the last decade in this leadership and professional and performance coaching industry and even the highest of achievers and the high level entrepreneurs and CEOs and you know, multi gazillionaires that I've worked with. There's something that still tugs at the heart of each of us that step into this calling and blaze a different kind of trail than anyone in our family has. You know, for most of my life I felt like a black sheep on the outside looking in. My sister probably looked like the black sheep because she was the rebellious one. She got in trouble all the time. But quite honestly, she fits in right with that flock of sheep that I was born into. And they're amazing in their own different ways, mind you. But for me, being a black sheep, you know, because as a kid, I mean, I followed the rules, nobody worried about me, super independent, like I said, nobody really worried about me very, very much. But internally and from my perspective, I felt like completely like a different kind of person than the rest of my family. And they're amazing and like, and they have many gifts and talents. But this black sheep, it kind of feels like one does not belong with the other here or one of these things does not belong. One of these things is so radically different than the other. And I think for a lot of times we like that. We know that there's something bigger for us. And even as a little girl from the age of four, like I remember age four and nine, that it was very clear that I was here to do something different as the black sheep. But when we so badly want to feel like we belong somewhere, you know, significance is one of the human needs. Even though it's not my main driver as an enneagram 8, it still is something that we all need to feel significant and like we belong in this world for something greater than what we are showing up as. And for a long, long time I used the being a black sheep to rebel, to self sabotage, to self abandon, to prove my worth, right? But there's something that's happening for many of you as you're stepping into the light and you're not as afraid to stand out. It's still really uncomfortable and it gets very, very lonely. And on the heels of my 51st birthday, I wanted to kind of talk to those of you that might be feeling this in your heart, that you might know you're the black sheep and you might recognize that you have a calling to step, but that part of you that grew up wanting to feel like they were significant, belonged, certain, safe, seen, understood, valued for who they are, you might be resisting this part of who you are. Oftentimes the black sheep becomes the goat. But with great reward comes great responsibility and an even bigger risk, right? And that risk is feeling alone and abandoned and misunderstood and judged and lonely. All those things are true as the black sheep. And I'm not saying it's fun. I'm not saying it's without pain. And I also know that when your time on earth is done, I've watched enough people die to know that at the end of their time, they wish they had done more. They wish they had spent time doing the things and doing the dreams and all the things and making all this shit matter for something rather than worrying so much about fitting in. I'm not going to say that owning being the black sheep isn't painful. It is, especially around my birthday because I'm not celebrated other than, you know, with my very close inner circle. And my children, of course, want to make sure I'm celebrated. They know the history here and I really do minimize it. I don't even really talk about my birthday very, very much. They remind me every day that I'm the goat in their life. And although it's still painful, I know that being the cycle breaker was really, really important. Not just for what I'm here to do professionally in the world, which allows me to hold space, guide many of you on your journey, but also the lineage and the legacy lever that I am putting into the hearts, the character, the minds, the souls of my 25 and my 26 year old. But it doesn't mean that it' easy. So how do you become that cycle breaker and how do you become the goat? When maybe being the black sheep is what's so harshly judged and not celebrated and misunderstood. You can't have one without the other. And anytime you disrupt how things have always been done, it's going to come on the heels of judgment and things like that and you'll have a choice to make. You're at that fork in the road, where do you decide to blaze your own new trail. But also know that it's going to be lonely, it's going to be hard, it's going to be sad sometimes. You're going to be angry sometimes. Or do you do what's always been done and then maybe die one day feeling like you didn't squeeze all the juice out of this life you were given to become the cycle breaker? You have to understand yourself. It's why I love the tool of the Enneagram. It really allows me, even through this hurt and pain and loneliness and sadness and anger and all the things that come with being the goat. And what I mean by the goat is the greatest of all time on who I was designed to be. And I'm finding new levels of that, obviously, in that and in my willingness to do that, understanding myself and where I can get tripped up. And I gotta say, the last two, three weeks, you're hearing me battling bronchitis. And it's been a very humbling experience when your body slows you down, but your mind and your soul and your work ethic and all the things are like, go, go, go, go, go. And knowing that Enneagram ate part of me to prove to myself, to the world, to whoever's watching how strong I am, that in the past I would have overrode my body and my nervous system and my intuition. Right? And that's the gift of the Enneagram is it allows you to go back into your intuition and your nervous system and your body so much faster so that you don't self sabotage in subconscious ways. Right? But I'm not saying it's fun. The last three weeks that I've been battling not feeling great and my body's slowing me down energetically, and in my mood, I've been sad and I've been flat and not inspired and not joyful. And the enneagram 8 in me that knows that I know that I'm motivated by being strong. I have to resist the urge to go into unhealthy patterns that make me feel like the goat on paper. But the real goat move, the real greatest of all time growth move, is to sit in this and to be gentle with myself and allow myself to slow down and not judge myself for being flat and maybe not excited about much right now, including my birthday. I also have other things going on. You know, I'm entering a season of my life where both of my children are truly leaving the nest. You know, they're 25 and 26. Obviously they are adulting hardcore, but they do still live in my residence. And it's been a beautiful situation for all three of us for a long, long time. It's a very healthy dynamic. It's not me enabling, it's not them afraid to go live their life. It's just we really do and have enjoyed each other and it's been a win win for all three of us in lots of ways and you know, managing a household and dogs and just we're a great team. And this home team has been solid and united in this home for a good six years and both of them are ready to go out. My daughter will be moving out with her boyfriend and they are more than excited and ready for that. I'm very excited for them. And my son is putting offers in on his first real estate property as an investor and 25 year old, he's more than ready to do that. And you know, it's the first time in my life that I will be living alone and that is bringing up all sorts of feelings as well. And you know, I could go into my old patterns, I could go into the things that make me feel like I belong. But you know, as we step into being that cycle breaker, we have to take the hard parts with the beautiful parts that come with that. I love, love that I've blazed a new trail for not just me, but any of my lineage that follows me, my kids and if they choose to have kids and, and families and things like that. But there's always a catch. There's always a catch. There's the hard parts. And how you navigate those things is really important. Why I'm passionate about the Enneagram is it's easy to streamline exactly the root of what I'm feeling. Even in my flatness that I have felt the last few weeks, I know what's at the root of that. As an enneagram 8 I'm feeling very vulnerable. I'm feeling weak because I'm scared to be alone for the very first time. I love being alone. Trust me, I'm the most introverted motherfucker you will ever find. I literally could not be around other humans and live with my dogs and be totally fine. But the real awareness that I'm about to embark on something that makes me feel scared, which also makes me feel a little weak. As an enneagram 8 worst case scenario. So I know where I can overcompensate. And instead of doing that compassionately, effectively doing the opposite and taking contrary action, I know this all to be very important and wise and also very fucking hard. I don't enjoy it. I don't Love it. I want to get aggressive, I want to be assertive. I want to be, you know, busy, busy, busy. But this is the gift of using the framework of the Enneagram to know yourself. And although I could do those things and could produce some things that make me feel strong, I know the come from is coming from a place of fear, insecurity and worthiness, shame, guilt or ego, right? And it's counterproductive, not sustainable, and has consequences that I don't want to pay the price for. So instead I will do the things that come from love, compassion, empathy, service and grace. And that means slow down, feel my feelings, be uncomfortable, lean into my support, speak freely instead of, you know, justifying or making excuses for maybe my mood or sweeping it under the rug and not leaning in. I'm choosing to talk about it not just with the people that I love and I trust, but also you, because I know you also might be feeling something like this. And it's really easy to slip into the patterns that give us instant gratification of significance, certainty, safety, whatever that looks like. But when we do what the instant gratification thing, we create a longer term problem. You're just kicking the can down the street. And I guarantee you when you do that the same package will keep showing up just with different wrapping paper. And here's the other thing. It's going to show up at a time that you can't sweep under the rug. That's going to be very painful, inconvenient, expensive, and the consequences just aren't great. And this is why being 51 and having this wisdom and enough two by fours upside the head to see where that didn't end so well, maybe temporarily it solved a really fast pain point. But for the long game it created bigger problems and is harder to get out of. And so it's just easier sometimes. I'm not saying it's easier when you're in it because this certainly is not easy. But it is easier to create sustainable change and to break the cycles on a permanent basis. And for you to do what you are called to do in this world, you have to blaze your own trail. You will have to feel the loneliness. You will have to be misunderstood. You will have to be polarizing and disruptive. And for a lot of you, that means in your own fucking homes. And that's hard. That's really hard. Thankfully, in my home, now, with my kids, they are used to this. And for 11, 12 years they know what's on the other side of this. And thank goodness they Got to learn this a little sooner, but in my family of origin, it's not well received. It probably won't be in yours either. But are you going to break the cycles and be the goat, or are you just going to kind of go with the flow and reach the end of your life feeling like you didn't do what you were here to do? For some of you, that might require you taking an inventory of who's in your life. And I know if it's happening in your own home, this is really, really challenging. And I'm not. Just because I'm divorced doesn't mean I think everybody should go out and get divorced and break up. And I'm not saying that. But you are going to have to have really challenging, hard, truth telling, compassionate, vulnerable conversations, especially if some of this conflict is happening in your own home. Not easy. Also, why, like, I'm okay being single right now because I know how hard this is. I mean, I'm single as far as not living with somebody. I'm in a relationship, but it's pretty separated right now as far as like, that goes. But if we were living together, it's a whole different ball game. And I understand that. And so I don't want you to think that me saying that, I don't get it. I've been married and married for a long, long time. I've been divorced for a long, long time. I know the challenges that come with both of these things. And this is why I'm a great guide for you. Because I've been through pretty much everything that you can go through. And sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. But either way, you have a calling and it's calling you. And I know if you are listening to this podcast, you have recognized that you're a black sheep and part of you really, really likes it. You like the good parts of it. But you may not enjoy the responsibility that comes with that. And especially if you are choosing to be a parent or you make impact in the life of a child and you are somebody that somebody looks up to, you have a responsibility to walk this path when you are polarizing and disruptive. Although, like the dysfunctional part of my enneagram 8 really, really liked that because it put walls of protection around me. The more evolved enneagram8 part of me that continues to raise her hand and say, I want to be the highest version of myself, the goat of my enneagram8ness. It means I have to be in that vulnerable space and get hurt without being aggressive. And all those other things that I've used to minimize the temporary pain. But if you are ready to be the cycle breaker and make the impact in the world, you are going to need help. Because you will justify why you tolerate what you do. You will justify your anger. You will justify some of your own shit behavior. You will justify settling for things that don't matter for you. You will settle for hoping and rolling the dice that your kids don't repeat this, but if you don't repair it, you repeat it, or it gets repeated, or both. And you know, on the heels of the last year, in my 50th, 51st year on Earth, this last year was one of the hardest of my life because I took contrary action to everything that I typically would have done in my unhealthy, typical white sheep, you know, the sheep that fits in. I did the opposite of all that, right? I leaned into the vulnerable parts. I leaned into support. I let go of people a lot faster than I typically would in the past. I allowed people closer access to me, which meant they could hurt me and betray me even more. And all of those things happened. And it was not fun and it was not pretty, and it did not come without pain or a cost. And I grew more this last year, not just financially, not just spiritually, not just emotionally, but relationally. It allowed me to have deeper intimacy with support, with love, with partnership, with friendships, with my children, with myself. And with great reward comes great risk and great responsibility. And for you to be the cycle breaker, you have to be willing to lean into all parts of it. And understanding yourself at a deeper level, using the tool of the Enneagram is one of the greatest ways to accelerate that kind of transformation. Because me left to my own ways without a roadmap, seriously, I could go off roading like nobody's business but me. Understanding the framework of myself as an enneagram. 8. Using my wings, using my growth numbers, using my stress numbers, and also understanding my tri type and where I go into all three centers of intelligence has allowed me, even while I'm feeling pain, and even while I'm feeling the discomfort and disruptiveness of this last season and last year of my life, I am reaping the rewards of all of it. And I want to help you do the same. The first thing is understanding yourself at a deeper level. If you have not been typed accurately with my blueprint, I highly, highly, highly recommend you do, at the very minimum that. Because if you're going to use this framework and this compass and this beautiful Blueprint of your own soul awareness. Having the right information is key. It's just like a gps. If you plug in the wrong coordinates, you're going to end up in Mexico when you want to end up in San Diego. And same thing on this self awareness, emotional intelligence journey. If you're going to use the tool of the Enneagram, which honestly is the greatest tool I've ever used, it keeps me rooted in my faith and the design that God had for my life. Understanding the Enneagram is a beautiful partnership with my faith and it keeps me rooted in my faith without me going rogue with my own free will and taking taking the wheel myself. So number one is get typed accurately all those online assessments, I'm telling you, inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time. I've done this for almost a decade with people, thousands and thousands of typing interviews and even the paid tests that you get access to online are inaccurate. And using this tool, like I said, accelerates transformation at a rate that I can't even quantify for you. But you have to have the right information. So doing my blueprint will get you accurate results. And then you can take that roadmap and do what you want with it. Number two, you can have 90 minutes with me and have the guide, the expert guide here who not only knows this information but has integrated this information in every area of their life, personally and professionally for a decade now. And in my parenting and in my health and in business and in leadership and friendship and in romantic partnerships and all the different components of life. 90 minutes with me will help you make sense of a lot of that information. But you'll have the right information and you'll know what to do with it. The next level like guide, the vip, like private tour guide is having me on speed dial for three months and we go through this information in real time, in real parts of your life. The holistic approach, personally and professionally. It's a beautiful part of me being who I am and my tri type. I'm a hell of a strategist. I have a compassionate heart and I am no bullshit. And I know you need all three of those in your life. If you are ready to be the cycle breaker, allow yourself to be that black sheep and make massive change in this lifetime. I know if my time on earth is called tomorrow, I have squeezed so much juice out of this lifetime. I know that by breaking the cycles, I've broken my lineage, my legacy. Aside from financial, even though that'll be amazing, the character, the drive, the wisdom that I have impacted not just my own home team with, but the teams that have come and worked with me over the last decade plus. I know that that guidance has allowed me to really make matter being that black sheep and taking the hard parts of being the cycle breaker and the black sheep and know that it was all worth it and I want to help you do the same. For all three of those options, the good, better, best. You can go to Tracyomalley.com, the work with me section. At the very least I'm telling you right now. Even if you think you know what you are on the Enneagram, if you have not taken my assessment and gotten my blueprint, I encourage you to. I really really do. It's one of the best investments you'll make. You'll have the right information and then how you choose to proceed with that. You may want to take your time with it and go on the discovery journey, but at least knowing you'll have the right information is important. If you want the tour guide, Whether it's a one off or like the VIP deal, go to traceyomalley.com the VIP deal is by application only. It is not for the weary or the weak. Definitely it is not easy, but it is so worth it and we take the holistic approach to your entire life personally and professionally. Thank you guys for spending time with me. We are on episode number 332 if you can believe that. If you have not gone back and listened to some, I encourage you to. If you have gotten your blueprint already, I have very case specific and type specific episodes that will definitely help you and also learning about the other types because I guarantee you're either in a relationship of sorts, whether it's friends, parenting relationship, romantic relationship. Learning about the other types also will help you have more compassion and understanding and empathy for other people. But you must start with yourself in order to have that and have that and give that freely to other people. You have to be able to do that effectively for yourself first. Otherwise you're kind of just splashing a bunch of nonsense all over it. I promise you. I thought I was being compassionate, but it was really pretty judgment quite honestly. And I want to help you guys step into that leader that you are designed to be in your homes and in your businesses and out in the world. And it would be my honor to guide you on that journey. As always, I am so grateful for you. I'm wishing you so much love and transformation. I appreciate all the love I got over the last few days for my birthday means the world to me. As always, I am here with you and for you and we will see you in a few days. If you love this episode, if you know somebody that needs to hear it, share it with them privately. Or you can share it on social media. You can tag me. I'm always super grateful for your help in letting more people know how to use this beautiful tool of the Enneagram to pave the way to break the cycles and to step into the calling of your life. I'm grateful for you. We'll talk soon.

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You can also find additional resources on my website@tracy o'malley.com I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.