EP333: Are You the Best Partner or Teammate You Can Be? Or Are You Tryin’ to Make Someone Be What YOU Want?

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you.

You need to know all about it.

So here you are.

But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place.

Lead with the Enneagram is the show.

Where you will actually learn how to.

Use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into.

It well over a decade ago.

Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding.

Of how to help you implement this.

Into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way, and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

I have been on a tear doing couples, partners, best friends, all sorts of kind of sessions with two people. Oh, I did a mother and son one as well. And oftentimes we, especially when we get a taste of the Enneagram, we see the magic, the beauty, the power in it. And that's usually what happens is I have one person that has experienced what I do with the Enneagram. They've listened to a podcast, they've been to an event that I spoke at, and they feel that transformation within themselves and then immediately go into thinking about the closest people in their life, whether it's a professional relationship or a personal relationship. And immediately, especially if there's some things in the dynamic that aren't serving the relationship, immediately I get the talk, the call or the text or the DM that says, I want to do a session with my partner, my son, my husband, my wife, my best friend, my business partner. Because I know the potential is there. I know it. I Feel it, I see it. And I think you can fix things. And I really wanted to talk to you today because I get that as somebody who has done 22 years plus of growth, personal development, therapy, you name it, and now 11 or 12 of helping people like you integrate personal development into their lives. It only works if you take personal accountability and responsibility for your part in the relationship. And I always say this, and I think it's so funny. A lot of times, you know, whoever was like team Tracy in doing the partner session is thinking, like, all right, Trace, gonna come in and like, lay it down. Because I am like, I straight shoot it. I love loving you tough in a way that is very compassionate and empathetic, and I don't take sides. And so this whole conversation today is about asking yourself, are you the best partner teammate that you can be? I've been married before. It didn't end well. You know, I've been. I was married for 14, divorced now for 15. And for the longest time in that relationship, I was pointing fingers. I could see definitely his part and his flaws in the whole thing. And, you know, I was a little self righteous, a little arrogant. You name it, you fill in the blanks. There was a whole slew of my part in the relationship. And as long as you are raising your hand and not taking accountability or personal responsibility for your part in it, even when that other person, partner, friend, teammate, spouse, whatever, does the most heinous shit to you, you have a part in it. And looking back at the marriage, like, very evident what my role is in. It's not recoverable. Obviously, I'm fine with that. You know, that relationship absolutely came into my life for lots of reasons, and I've learned a lot from that. But even in current times, you know, I just celebrated my 51st birthday this week, and my 50th year was probably my most transformative. Personally. I experienced a lot of hard things, a lot of having to let go, a lot of betrayal. And in those dynamics where that happened, even though there was some shit that went on that was not okay. I'm not co signing it. I'm not saying any of the things that happened were okay. And I see where my part was. Even when it was sneaky, even when it was a blind spot, all the things. And that's how we transform not just ourself, but our relationships. And so I wanted to ask you, like, especially if you are in a relationship where maybe you're the one who has done more of the personal development, the growth, the therapy, whatever, and you so desperately want your partner, friend, teammate, spouse, whatever, to get on board with this. I will tell you this. A lot of the times I will say is like, be and embody the work you've done. Instead of coming in a little spiritually arrogant and saying, we need to do this or you need to do this or she's going to fix this or. Or whatever that looks like for you. The reason a lot of this work that I have done has worked in my life, especially with my kids, and repairing a lot of the damage that went on through my own old coping mechanisms was because I was embodying this. I didn't come home one day and say, you know, I've learned this about myself and, you know, you need to do this too, right? I just started kind of walking that talk instead of talking the talk, and naturally they were curious. This has also happened in a lot of my friendships in my life along the way. So what I will say to you, first and foremost, before you start trying to change your partner or teammate or friend or spouse or child, what are you bringing to the table? How might they receive you? What are your possible breakdowns in the communication in this relationship? And when we take personal accountability, even when, like I said, the dysfunction or the fights or whatever you think is on them. I'll give you an example. I just had to have a hard conversation this last week and was not looking forward to it. Was not looking forward to it. And even though this other person wasn't communicating well, there were a bunch of things that I was having a hard time with. I had to take personal responsibility that I had allowed myself to sweep it under the rug. There were things that I have tolerated because I didn't want to disrupt my life. I had to take accountability for that on the front end. And you know what happens when you do that. A very hard conversation that is necessary for transformation and growth went a lot easier than if I just came in hot and started pointing the fingers. Even though I had some very valid points in this hard conversation at the front end, I took full responsibility for my role in it. And you put down people's walls. And especially if this is a partner in your life, an intimate partner, a professional partner, a business relationship, if you go into these hard conversations and teamwork sessions without your responsibility in it, walls will stay up. And I don't care how good you could have Tony fucking Robbins in front of you. And it's going to be really hard for there to be any resolution or transformation in that relationship. So one of the Things I usually will say in doing this growth work, especially with the tool of the Enneagram, and especially with yours truly, is lead yourself first. The reason I'm a great leader in my home, in my relationships and beyond, and with you when I'm working with you, is because I know how to lead myself first. This is why the tool of the Enneagram is magical and beautiful. And I'm going to do another episode on the intent behind a tool that's a really good one that's coming for you. But the Enneagram allowed me to take a deeper look at myself. With compassion, with truth, with empathy, with grace, with service. It allowed me to see my blind spots, especially in communication and intimate relationships and close partnerships, and where I might be received in a way that isn't in the intent on my heart or serves the relationship. And having awareness of that allows me to pause before I react, pause before I pop off, really pay attention to who is in front of me and how they receive information so that I can be a more effective communicator. And so if you are in a relationship that there's conflict, and I know there's a lot of you, because my calendar is filling fast with partner sessions and they're magical. And especially because I come in as this, I don't take sides. Even if you've worked with me. And a lot of you listening right now and are like, yeah, shit. That shit's true. Like, yeah, I've spent three months working privately VIP with a client, and they're assuming I'm going to come in and be like, team you. I'm team couple. Whether it's personal or professional, I'm always. I'm always championing the relationship, not sides. And because this work with the Enneagram is so powerful in understanding yourself, when you start to embody this, your partner starts to get curious. Especially if there's a shift and a transformation within the dynamic of the relationship. But if you're coming into this assuming that it's their fault, they're the problem, it's not gonna matter. The relationship, most likely, unless there's like this come to Jesus moment, will not be salvageable. Sometimes, like when I think about the marriage of mine for a long, long time, it was me saying, like, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me. And then when I took accountability and they were saying, it's not me, it's not me, it's not me. There was no way to transform that relationship. If you are wanting this so Desperately. Because you're afraid you're going to outgrow your partner. A lot of times I see that as the motive in doing partner sessions. You have to be willing to grow anyway. And sometimes, yes, that will mean outgrowing your partner. But if you do it with kindness, compassion, empathy, grace, the chances of them getting on board to the rocket ship you're on go way, way up. My conversation this week was along those lines. Not easy. Not easy. No matter how much you understand, no matter how much you know, how much you cognitively know, the heart still feels. And this is also why understanding the centers of intelligence and your tri type is really important, which we go through in couples and partner sessions as well. So I really want to ask yourself, I know there's a lot of you that are very interested and this is some of my favorite, favorite work to do. I love working with more than one person. I will always do individual coaching because I think the compound effect of one person deciding this is not how the story is going to go and I'm going to completely change my life. The compound effect, the ripple effect of one person changing their life is so beautiful to watch, and I will always do that. But there's something so beautiful when two or more come together and have the passion for the relationship, personally or professionally, and really so desperately want to be more effective with each other and humbling yourself enough to come to me and say, I trust you. Please crack us both open and bring us together. I do this so beautifully. I, you know, I'm not here to just like, say I'm fucking awesome, but when it comes to this, I'm fucking awesome. Because I do see all sides. And the gift of the Enneagram is looking through nine different lenses and seeing that each lens that each of us looks out of, even if they're radically different than you, what you can learn from this person, how you can grow from this relationship. And sometimes, here's the real truth, you guys. If you haven't read the poem Reason, Season, Lifetime, just Google that. Just put that in and the poem will pop up in Google. It is one of the most important understandings you must have. And in this course of your lifetime, and especially now that I've hit number 51 this last week, I take this Reason, season, lifetime very, very seriously. And I understand. Even when I thought somebody was a lifetime person and they turn out to be a reason or a season, even though I have to grieve and feel and go through the process because I'm willing to grow at any cost I can move through it faster. I can make room for the more abundant relationships, things in my life. But it takes kind of getting real, real with yourself. And I think a lot of times we're not the best partner or teammate that we can be because we just want to point the finger or we want to say fix them or you've got to do the work. And if you are somebody that is pointing at your partner, business or personal, and saying you got to do the work, turn that around on yourself. The minute we start pointing fingers and saying that, it means we got a lot of shit to do. I say this all the time. If you spot it, you got it. Okay. But I want to ask yourself, are you being the best partner or teammate you can be? Being compassionately, radically honest with yourself is a very good start. And how you do that, first and foremost is understanding your Enneagram type. You can get your Enneagram blueprint. That's a great start to have the right information. Because all those online assessments are inaccurate 65 to 60, 70% of the time, y'. All. 65 to 70% of the time. And if you're using this beautiful, beautiful, life changing roadmap, you gotta have the right gps and that means your correct type. My blueprints will get you that. And then you get your own customized soul blueprint to kind of give you your architecture of how you are made up in Enneagram language. It's so beautiful. Now if you know you're in crisis, maybe personally, maybe professionally, maybe a little bit of both. Usually if we're doing great in one area, there's another area that's suffering. Spending 90 minutes with me to go through your blueprint and your tri type. We address the tri type, which is mind blowing in our one on one session and that power session, we also do that in the partner sessions. I will say this. If your partner is open to sitting down with me and having somebody facilitate this that is very objective and does not take sides and is here for the greatest good of the relationship. And I will tell you the truth, and you may not always like it, I will always deliver it with compassion and love. I will. But when you have two willing participants, two people raising their hand and saying, I'm willing to do whatever it takes, I am willing to be accountable and responsible for my part in this relationship. Any relationship is salvageable. When both are, are coming to the table with that. If you are somebody that is trying to pull the weight of two people, I don't care how strong you are, it Won't happen. And this has been probably the hardest lesson in my life. You know, as an enneagram 8 I liked. I mean, my motive for everything is to be strong. And there have been times in my life, and this is why this work is so important to me and to help you facilitate this in your own life and integrate this in your life. Because sometimes me trying to prove how strong I am has kept me in relationships that had hit their expiration date a long, long time ago. And it's not easy and it's painful and it hurts and all the things. And me understanding this about myself can release and surrender, and it doesn't mean it's not without that pain and that process. Right? But we can move through and do what we're here to do with the people we're here to do it, whether it's a reason, a season or a lifetime, and do it way more effectively. How you can do a partner session is to go to my website, traceyomalley.com, whether it's to get your blueprint, an individual session, or a partner session. Go to the work with me section. Go there right freaking now. This will be life changing for your personal and professional life. And I've seen marriages transform. The way they communicate, the way that they empower each other, the way sexy time is. Like, everything can change in 90 minutes if both partners are willing. If you have a partner that maybe isn't open to this, I understand, because maybe you have been a finger pointer or maybe they're in a shame cave, or maybe they don't feel like they're worthy. Right. Share the podcast with them. Let them know, like, I am on their team too. I really, really, really, really am. I am. And I want to see cycles get broken within these relationships. Because sometimes our most intimate relationships, personally and professionally, they reveal the biggest wounding and the biggest healing that needs to happen. But if we don't know how to integrate powerful tools like this in our life, or if we can't see our part in it because we have blind spots, having somebody help you can be transformative. It really, really can. It's been powerful to see, you know, on a personal level, parent, child, relationships, couples, marriages transform. You know, I've seen this work in my own life with my children. I've seen this work in my own life. Like, thank God, in my romantic partnership like this. This relationship of mine would have blown up a long time ago without me understanding this compassionately and owning business relationships. Collaborations that I've done. Transformative. I'm not somebody who typically works with other people in collaboration. And I've been able to do that in a beautiful, more effective way. And everything has to do with integrating and understanding the Enneagram in relationship. Go right now. If this is on your heart, please do it. Traceyomalley.com work with me section. There's partner sessions or couple sessions, both apply. You'll both get your blueprints. You'll both get typed accurately. We'll go through all of it. We'll go through your dynamics, your relationship tri types, all the juicy parts so that you have everything you need to start moving forward. I know that when we link arms with people, it is some of the most powerful forces that we can have in our life and we learn more in connection and in relationship. We can't learn much about ourselves. Taking life solo all the time. Although I would love to do that most of the time. Where I've learned the most about myself is through these relationships, whether they were reasons, seasons or lifetime. As always, it's an honor to guide you, to champion you and your relationships. Get real honest with yourself. Get real honest with yourself. Especially if you have relationships that matter to you. They're worth the investment and so are you. As always, I'm wishing you so much love and transformation in your life. If you love this episode, please share it with somebody whether it's privately or even better publicly, so more people can get access to what we're doing here on this beautiful show. I'm so proud of what we do here at Lead with the Enneagram. As always, I'm so grateful for the time that you take to listen in. It's something you can't get back and it's something that we can't buy. So I never ever, ever take it for granted. I love you and we will see you soon.

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Written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources is on my website at tracyomalley.

Com.

I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.