EP336: Use the Enneagram to Navigate Thru Life's Hardest Transitions

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are.

But what the hell do you do with it? Great news.

You are in the right place. Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into.

It well over a decade ago.

Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate.

Way, and then help you lead others.

That way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hello. Hello. Welcome back to another episode of Lead with the Enneagram. I have been procrastinating this episode, and I want to keep saying it's because I've been fighting a cold. I'm. I'm busy. Which, honestly, it's all bullshit, because the title of this podcast episode is using the Enneagram to move through, powerfully move through life's biggest transitions. And why I've been resisting this episode is because in real time, in real vulnerability, I'm in the middle of probably the biggest transition of my life. And I've been through a lot at my age. I've been through lots of things. I've been through divorce, deaths, all of it. You know, having babies, getting married, getting divorced, health challenges. But I am entering a transition that I've never entered before. And I thought this was a beautiful way to show you the beauty and the power of the Enneagram by using myself as a real life, real time, vulnerable example. And that's the true definition of vulnerability is in real time leaning in when you don't know how things are going to go. And a lot of people have told me, my life, in my life that I'm so vulnerable. Like if you've seen me speak on stages or listen to this podcast even. I share a lot of my life and I've usually only shared it after I've gotten through it or known how I was going to get through it or known what it looks like on the other side. But the definition of true vulnerability is leaning in to people you love, trust, support that support you without knowing how it's going to go. Now I have support out there, so it's not just I'm dumping this all on you. However, I really want you to hear how I'm moving through this unknown and like I said, it's in real time. So I still don't know how it's going to go. But the biggest transition of my life, it's happening in the next few weeks. And I may or may not have shared this before but I've never lived alone as an enneagram 8 and especially with the 8 to 6 tri type. I have always been a backbone in any household I've been a part of. It's where I at my greatest, it's where I'm strong. It's also my kryptonite right Is this ability to be the rescuer in any situation. There are times it's been coming from the dysfunctional places of my life and growing up I knew this role and I knew it well and I knew I was good at it and literally went from being born into my parents home obviously and then they got divorced and I lived with my dad as my role of that rescuer and very high functioning codependent that I've. I've worked really hard on not leaning into those tendencies. However, I didn't get married necessarily to just get married. I really believed it was the only way that I could justify leaving my dad and so went from my parents house to my dad's house to a husband's house, then got divorced and my kids lived with me and my daughter went off and lived in LA and did her enneagram 7 free spirited beautiful things like going out and living her life but then coming back and especially the last five years when my kids entered their 20s we had a really good situation here and they were living with me because we, we really thoroughly enjoyed it. It's. It wasn't because they needed to, it wasn't because I needed them to. We really just thoroughly enjoyed each other. And there was a moment about three years ago like I always knew my daughter. Again, my enneagram7 would kind of go quickly. She was just looking for the right time in the right situation and what was calling her and, you know, building her career the last, you know, eight years that she has been. So I wasn't really going to be affected by her. But my son and I, and recognizing a few years ago that I might be subconsciously holding him back without even recognizing it all the time, there was some subtle subconscious manipulation that was going on on my part. You know, that rescuer, like, I. I know he doesn't need me. I mean, truth be told, that beautiful boy, my enneagram2son, can run a household better than I can. I'm just being totally real with you. The boy is so meticulous and responsible and organized and integris and all the things like he's incredible. And he more than can run a household on his own and financially has the resources to do so. But I didn't realize that I had this ongoing fear of without that being the backbone of a household where I'm responsible for people who am I. And at the age of 51, in three weeks, I will be facing living alone for the first time in my life now. I'm very excited about it. I'm very excited for them. I know that we'll all be more than fine. We're all a little emo about it, as my daughter put it. You know, Even my enneagram7, she's like, I've been in and out of your house a couple times now. She goes, and this time it's really hard. And it's because it has been so healthy and beautiful and good and pure and win, win for all of us for as long as it has been. And we also recognize that this is life and we're moving forward. I feel myself getting really emotional about this because I don't know how I'm going to be. You know, a little backstory. And I know my mom probably will never listen to this, but if she does, I just want her to know I love her because I do. Even though we don't have a relationship. And my mom is an enneagram 5, not the healthiest one. She's very disconnected emotionally and has been my entire life. She's very ultra, like, next level hermit mode introvert. And, you know, since she and my dad got divorced in 1991, they got divorced 91. They got divorced. So 32 years ago, they got divorced. She's dated one person and pretty much has been a hermit her entire life. She lived with me right, right after I had my daughter for about a year. She moved from Chicago to Arizona and then has lived here ever since. But, you know, my mom is a loner and is fine with it and doesn't need anyone. And the older I get, I joke about this a lot. Like I literally could live alone and never see another human. And you know, with technology and the work I do, I feel connection. But it's like this wall. And the last few weeks, especially as the reality is coming as my daughter's getting packing up her stuff and getting ready to move in with boyfriend and my son is closing on his first investment property in just a few, like, they're literally moving up the same week. And my biggest fear is becoming like my mom and being alone and not finding connection. And I am so grateful for the tool of the Enneagram because I'm feeling all the feelings. I feel myself going into that five cave, right? Knowing your stressor number based on your enneagram type is really, really important in times like these, when you know you're facing the life transitions, whether it is a death unexpectedly or expected, a divorce, a change in relationship, kids going through different seasons of life. You go from, you know, momming 247 to their first day in kindergarten. That's a transition from grade school to middle school, a huge transition from grade school to high school, another huge trans from high school to driving to dating. Like, all of these are really huge transitions. And I've been through them all. I've been through them all. And this is probably the most challenging one because I have no idea what it's going to look like. And I don't know. I don't have any control over what that's going to look like. I mean, I do, but I don't, right? Like my emotional aspect and I'm riding the waves. So we've had some good cries about it. And I know myself, I already feel myself going into the five cave a little bit. And I can tell by the TV that I'm watching when I have downtime or even my patterns, when I'm in the five cave, right? And taking contrary action. So me going. And ironically having my mother, who is a 5, and the 5 also happens to be my stressor number. So of course I'm fixated on all the negative traits of her. She's got many, many beautiful ones as a five. And I many Many gifts that I do get from her, but because it's my stressor number, I can be so fixated. And because I don't have a relationship with her currently, I can be more fixated on that. But I can also use this as a compass and not the shame stick. And although my mom is stuck in the dysfunctional five zone, I can use this as a compass and not a shame stick and not a blame stick either. Right. Like, I could very easily go into, you know, this is what I learned from her. And oh, my gosh. And use this as a whole path of destruct and blame and deflection and projection and all the things. And instead I am allowing myself to power through elegantly and compassionately this next transition of my life and being vulnerable and leaning into my people, my very close inner circle, and my partner in life right now. And it's so, so vulnerable. And as an enneagram 8, knowing that I avoid that at all costs, I have been doing some things to put in place where I don't necessarily 5 cave in an unhealthy way. So one of the things I did for myself to eliminate more of that five cave unhealthiness is knowing that I need to make some more local friends and to lean into my local friends. My inner circle mostly lives in other places other than my partner in life and my children, most of my close, close friends live in other places. So part of that's by design, part of that's by default as an enneagram aid. It allows me to be vulnerable, but on my terms. Right? Like, I can be vulnerable when I'm going to another state to see them, or there's this pseudo wall with virtual stuff. But I know that I need local friends, I need local activities, and I need more than just my partner. Right. Like, I know a lot of times, especially in transitions, you know, and I've been married before. I was married for 14 years. When we transition out of being that parent, sometimes we'll put all this responsibility to be our source of everything on our partner. And I've always wanted to be very careful of that, especially with the unhealthy patterns that I had with my father growing up. I have codependent tendencies naturally, in my romantic partnership. So I'm very, very mindful of not putting all of that energy in there and not going into great. Now it's time to move in together and do what's next on our agenda, even though that has its own kind of timetable that him and I privately are talking about. Right? And what that relationship looks like in the future. But I don't want to go into a codependent pattern, Knowing my enneagram type and where I can go and all of this stuff. So it's been a lot, you guys, and I have been talking to people that I trust and that I know can hold that energetic space for me and aren't rattled by my intensity. There's very, very few people that can handle that. And also setting myself up so that I don't isolate. There's a big difference between solitude and isolation. I like solitude. Good things happen in solitude. Magic happens in solitude. Nothing good happens in isolation. And so one of the other things I've done is for my birthday, I got myself golf lessons. And there's a whole community that is here that I'm very excited about. There's a good friend of mine, Tori. She has a beautiful business that I've always, like, wanted to be a part of. Like, she's does golf retreats, but you have to be a golfer. And although I can play golf, I don't have a handicap or anything like that. So I'm like, I'm vowing to take golf lessons so I can be part of that community. Do the retreats be around women that are not only playing golf, but obviously golf is not a sport that you just go into. Like, it takes resources, and a different kind of person plays golf, let's just put it that way. So I want to be around women that are doing that. But in order to be part of her retreats, I have to have a handicap, and I have to play, and I have to. So I took lessons. I'm taking lessons. I'm in a clinic with a beautiful woman here, Donna Taylor. If you golf party live, go follow it. She's amazing. Follow Tori Totlis for the retreats. Like, both of those women are on my vision board, right? And now I'm gonna be part of both. But a big motive for that was this transition in my life. The timing of it also doesn't hurt that the boyfriend plays golf, too. And I could see us being that cool golf couple, right? He just said that yesterday to me, like, we're gonna be that cute little golf couple. I'm like, yes, but also not it for my relationship with him, but also to meet new people, because this transition, quite honestly, is hitting me. I knew it was coming. I've known it's been coming for years. We've talked about it for years. The kids are more than ready. And as a parent, there is nothing that I'm happier about than both my kids going and thriving and living their best life. And they are going to more than crush it. Absolutely. More than crush it. And knowing that my role as the active challenger, protector, rescuer that I am not to rope anyone into my own fear of vulnerability, of being alone and turning into maybe the unhealthy version of my mother. But how do you do this if this is you? You know, I know that if you're listening right now, you might be experiencing a transition in your life. And a lot of times we're blindsided by this. Like, this is one that I've prepared for. I've been in other transitions in my life that I totally got blindsided by. When I got divorced, that was not expected. When my dad died, that was not expected. That was a 12 day cancer diagnosis. So this can apply and using the framework of the Enneagram can apply for any life transition that you experience. And like, I went through all of them, I've been through all of them up until this point. Knowing your framework will allow you to, to take yourself through the grieving process. And you know, any transition that you go through, you were grieving an older version of your life, who you are, what the relationships were, change, grieving, change. It doesn't mean it's like something terrible. It could be something exciting like this, like, holy shit. Like I am about to have zero holding me back from, from this place. Like, I could make my house a huge retreat, luxury rental. I could go travel the world. I have literally nothing holding my, holding me here. And that is exciting and equally terrifying, right? And for you, you know, depending on your Enneagram type, like, that could be really exciting. It also could be an avoidance strategy. Knowing where you fall and where you go to by default really can allow you to know if you're doing what you're doing to deal with the transition in a way that is good for you or it is having you being avoidant, numb out, deflect, disassociate, self sabotage. I'm finding myself completely self sabotaging and procrastinating, by the way, right? Like even doing this podcast episode, I was like, I don't want to do it. I don't feel good. Yes, I'm coughing, but it's really because this is vulnerable. And when you understand and have your true enneagram type and you can use this roadmap, this framework to help you move through the hard things, life is going to hit you. Life on life's terms, happens. You cannot avoid it. But you can be as sure to be equipped and have the emotional intelligence muscles strong as hell. That when the transitions come, you are strong as hell. I am strong as hell. It doesn't mean this is not hard. It doesn't mean that 10% of the time I'm not still fucking human. 90% of the time I am bulletproof. I really, really am. And we're human beings. And I don't care how much work you do and how much self awareness and how much emotional intelligence you have, we are still human beings. That there are things in your life that'll come that you haven't experienced yet, that you don't know how you're going to go through the waves. But with the tool of the Enneagram and knowing how to integrate your framework and all components of it, not just your type, but your wings, your growth, your stress, your tri type, your subtype, using all of it will allow you to navigate it more holistically. Seriously, I have felt every range of emotion today. I have cried, I have been angry, I have been horizontal with hoarders. Yes, that is where I go when I am feeling this way. I'm watching hoarders, which is a reminder that I don't want to be like that. No judgment if you are a hoarder. I have so much compassion, but it is kind of where I can go when I go to the dark side. And having this framework of the Enneagram as a compassion tool, as a human tool, as my soul blueprint, will allow me to move through this and allow my children to move through their grieving process of our life as we have lived it for 26 years together. It is insane that I have kids that are 25 and 26 and about to venture out into that land. When I was their age, I already had two babies, two dogs, a mortgage, a husband, all the things. And I'm really excited for their future and I'm equally excited for mine. As I step into who I am, what I want to do more of professionally, there will be more opportunities for in person things with me. I'm entertaining the thought of VIP days where you can spend two full days with me, diving into your life holistically and what this means for you. I'm going to be doing group things and group retreats and roundtables like getting into the Enneagram for entrepreneurs and things like that. Not only because as a one on one enneagram8, I thrive in the intensity of experience, but also we are going to grow together. As I move through this transition in my life to know the way, go the way. I can show you the way. This is a really, really vulnerable episode, but I want to show you the power of the Enneagram in real hard life, Even the beautiful things in transitions that you know, when we move from one stage to the next, that understanding and integrating this beautiful tool in your life will allow to move through it the best version of yourself. And you will grasp onto the lessons, the miracles a lot faster, even when it hurts and even when it's hard and all the things. It is my honor to show you what this looks like for you in your life. But the first thing you have to do is have the right information, right? I've talked about this tons on this podcast that being typed accurately is the most important part of this journey. It really, really is. If you're going to use this like I'm doing it in real fricking life, hard transition, then you have to have the right information. Otherwise you're gonna be going all in the wrong ways and it won't feel good and you'll feel like, clunky and like, what the hell is this? Right? So getting typed accurately is number one. So if you haven't done so already, go get your Enneagram blueprint. There is an investment. It is worth every penny. It is accurate. It is accurate. And you'll get your own custom 75 page blueprint for you with your wings, with your subtype, with your growth number, your stress number. So you'll have all the right information. If you want to dive deeper with me, there are options. Not only the 90 minute session, but we can do VIP days. If you're interested in that, reach out to me. I haven't publicly talked about it yet, so you're the first hearing it. If that is something you want to dive into, please let me know. I have a boat. Now, if you listened to the episode earlier last week, you heard the story about the boat and how triggering that was. But I purposely got it to be able to take people out for VIP days where we can dive deep and go deep into your holistic life on a boat, on a lake. But having the right information is number one. So get typed and get my blueprint. Number two, if you want to dive deeper with me, you can either do it in a 90 minute version. I'm going to have group workshops monthly that you can be part of VIP days. And obviously the VIP one on one coaching where you have me on speed dial for three months. Some of my best coaching happens. I will say this Some of the best work I do in the trench with you is when I am going through real life transitions. And especially the last four years have been probably the biggest growing I've done and the hardest things I've ever been through in my life. And it is no secret or by accident that I have done my best work, gotten the most exposure, made the most money, and done absolutely made the biggest impact in my life. So I'm telling you right now, the fact that I'm going through this huge transition in my life right now is a sign that now might be at the time to work with me. Because you see in real time how I'm using not just the Enneagram but all the other performance tools and my methodology through my life so I can know the way, go the way and show the way for people just like you. This is no joke, you guys. Life is no joke. And standing on the front line of your own life, taking the hits like a champion does and getting back up and they don't have to take you out. But having the right people, the right tools in your tool belt and knowing how and when to use them and building those muscles strong will make all the difference in navigating life's transitions. Yeah. So stay tuned. I'm sure I will have more to share in the upcoming weeks as I ride this wave. In the meantime, I'm super grateful for you. Thank you for showing up and giving me your time. I do not take that lightly. If you love this podcast, please share it with somebody. If you feel extra called, leave a review, tell me what you think about it. Even if it's negative, I don't care. I want to hear your feedback. It means the world to me that you spend time, your biggest treasure, here with me. As always, I'm here cheering you on, wishing you love and transformation in your life. We'll see you in a few days.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at traceomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.

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