EP341: Healthy Stress Management When Life Kicks You in the Teeth Using the Enneagram

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are. But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place. Lead with the Enneagram is the show.

Where you will actually learn how to.

Use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into it well over a decade ago. Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership. Sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective, and compassionate way, and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of Breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career, and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hey. Hey. Welcome back to another episode of Lead with the Enneagram. And you know, it's Mother's Day week, and although for a lot of you, it's a really beautiful time, and it can also be a really, really stressful time, you can hold both at the same time. And today I wanted to talk about stress and stress management because a lot of times we swing extreme the other one way or the other. Either we're like, yes, everything is flowing, everything's amazing, everything's beautiful. Or it's like, holy shit, it's all hitting the fan and oh my God. And the reality of life is this is we can hold both at the same time, but usually when we've got something in our life that is stressing us out, it can rob us of the beautiful parts that are happening and. Or we can blow up our life, blow up our relationships, burn out, get sick, all the things. And so today I want to talk about how we can navigate stress and stress management from the healthiest place using the Enneagram. And what works for maybe me may not work for you. So, like, putting this blanket thing on stress management and what honors who you are might look different for each Enneagram type. And today, like, it's not a cookie cutter. One size fits all. Like, what works for me won't work for my son, won't work for my daughter, won't work for my best friends. So I really want to kind of help you recognize and use the Enneagram like a compass. Because when you understand the dynamics of your framework, your custom framework, managing stress at the healthiest way is super possible. We can't eliminate stress from our life because we don't always recognize, sometimes consciously, when it's happening. So the more that you can recognize certain things and understand who you are as your Enneagram type and what that might look like, whether you're conscious of it or you're feeling it in your body and your nervous system intuitively will help you streamline this process and move through it a heck of a lot faster. Because sometimes when we become so stressed, it's almost like this whole switch goes off. And if you know the Enneagram and know the framework of it, whether you know your type or not, there are all these other Enneagram types connected to us. And when I understood that what I look like under stress is something that is, like, not typical, or I see certain behaviors instead of judging yourself, which I'm sure you do when you are overly stressed because you might be popping off or coming in hot or shutting down or isolating or withdrawing completely, all of which you know may not serve the greatest good for your body, your intuition, your relationships, all the things. But when you understand what to do with that, this is super helpful. And. And I know when I've lost my shit, it has looked both ways. Sometimes I'm like a bulldozer through life, and other times I'm icing everyone out. And when you use the Enneagram framework and you understand that, you'll know that there's a reason for it. And it can take this emotional charge out of it, and it can take the shame stick out of it, or it can take the blame stick out of it, right? Because when you understand yourself, even when people around you are causing stress, triggering you, whatever that looks like, it takes the blame game out of it. And even things that feel so ridiculously personal, sometimes, you recognize that they're not. And so before you go off the cliff, when you understand this framework you can recognize it. Shift, pivot, find compassion before that happens. And also living in those extremes, I'm going to tell you right now, I could get away with that in my 20s and 30s, not so much in your 40s and 50s. So the sooner you can learn and build this strong muscle, this is where that can help you. Now, before we get in, you know, knowing your Enneagram type will allow this information to be a lot more effective. And not only knowing your type, but the accurate type. And you know, 60 to 70% of you guys are mistyped on the Enneagram, right? You are. Because all those online assessments are inaccurate. They don't take a lot of the things that you've experienced into consideration. And it's why I you. The most valuable assessment you can get your hands on, it is over 95% accurate. It also takes into consideration from a lot of different angles, your life experiences, what you've been through. If you've ever taken my assessment, I know my fellow blueprint getters out there, it feels like you're being asked the same question, and that's on purpose because they're kind of hitting you from all these different angles. Understanding how you instinctually respond to life is another aspect of my blueprint that you will get. So if you're intrigued by the Enneagram and maybe you've taken an online assessment before, I'm going to highly, highly encourage you. If you never do anything else, if you never work with me, if just know that doing my assessment and getting my sole Enneagram blueprint is probably one of the most valuable things you can ever do. Even if you never interact with me a day in your life, I want you to know you'll have the correct information. And that is so valuable. It's like a gps, you know, if you have the wrong coordinates, yeah, you might get there eventually. But we want this information for you to integrate it in a way that is unique and customized for you. And so having your correct Enneagram type, if you're using the tool of the Enneagram, will be imperative. So you can go to tracyomalley.com the work with me section. It'll pop right up. Or you can just hit me up on Instagram. Tracy O'. Malley. It's @ the link in the bio. Or you can just shoot me a dm. I can get it to you that way. But understanding your unique Enneagram type and having the correct information is the most important part of using this tool. Because once you have the right information, the real beautiful journey. And the integration of this incredible tool to streamline, to accelerate your transformation and, and especially your stress management goes next level. Like, seriously, you take years, years off this work, this inner work, this understanding, this self awareness. Like, seriously, the Enneagram is the most powerful, powerful tool that keeps me rooted in my intuition, my healthy, regulated nervous system, my faith, and not blowing up my life. So how every Enneagram type reacts to stress and what stresses them out is completely different. So for my Enneagram ones, what stresses them out is being around undependability, not seeing action taken, shame over mistakes they've made, not living up to their expectations, others not living up to their expectation, being taken for granted, hypocrisy, perfectionism, all the things and you know, ones are normally grounded. So ones under stress suddenly become moody and withdrawn and they're often burdened and burned out by trying to live up to their ever increasing expectations. And this exhaustion leads to resentment, anger, a lot of projection. However, because Enneagram ones are always trying to kind of suppress and keep a lid on their anger and maintain this beautiful, perfect image. It leaks out and slips out through passive aggressive comments, irritated comments, body language does not lie. And, and a lot of times they turn inward. They might break some of their own rules or throw caution in the wind as if they've fired their inner critic. And for a moment this might feel good, but then it becomes like this whole perfectionism thing again. So how does a, an Enneagram one navigate the perfectionism, right, or manage that stress? Well, you know, your growth number or one of the lines connected to you is the seven. And so that means not sweating this stuff so much, not being as black and white, thinking, if you love an Enneagram one, let them lose their shit, right? Just be with them and don't judge them. For an Enneagram one leaning into that seven, be playful, have fun, get messy. It's going to be really challenging. So when we're in that high stress moment, it's not easy to pause and think about this. That's why understanding your framework is really, really important. So when I get to the eights, I'll explain what that looks like for me. But if you are loving an Enneagram one doing things that you know, when they're at their best, they would typically do because they're beating themselves up, ones are really, really hard on themselves. And if you're a one, you know this to be true. So helping them kind of not be in a shame spiral, don't use words because they will Pick it apart, they will feel like you're criticizing them. So less words, more compassion and acts of service, things like that. But if you are a one, know that I know your inner critic is getting very, very loud. And so the more playful, light things you can do will allow you to get there. Because when an Enneagram one is under stress, they start to look like an enneagram 4. So they might be more emotional, they might, you might be more self absorbed than you typically are. And understanding that will allow you to pause for a moment and not attach that shame to who you are. Because you're just somebody that's navigating and moving through hard things. For enneagram twos. What stresses out in enneagram 2 is being taken for granted honestly, too much time alone, even though they kind of need that feeling unloved and unaccepted for who they are. Over yes, ing yourself and you gram twos is probably the number one thing that stresses the twos out. Not feeling acknowledged for the things that you do, feeling left out, being around people that are more emotionally disconnected, not feeling needed, things like that. The core desire of the two is to be loved and appreciated, especially for who they truly are. And so if you're an enneagram to nurturing yourself as much as you nurture others, but when you're under stress and feeling that an enneagram 2 starts to look like an unhealthy 8 and you kind of lean into that anger, resentment, aggressiveness, defensiveness. And so I understand that when you're in that, again, use that as a compass, not as the shame stick. Use that as this is my key and my cue to go and nurture yourself. Because your growth number is the enneagram 4, which is the individualist, which is the opposite of you. But you do need to kind of be more individualist when you find yourself in a stress period of your life, helping yourself through things that only you want to do, right? Things that you need. And I know it's going to feel really self absorbed and self centered and even selfish for you sometimes, but this is how you will get yourself out of that stress. I'm not saying it's comfortable, right? Because when you're under stress, you're going to start popping off or coming in hot to situations. And that's because that's not your true nature. Because you are more empathetic and compassionate naturally. And an 8 isn't naturally. So when you start behaving like an 8 again, knowing that will allow you to whoa, whoa, whoa, what is happening right now, and you don't have to have, like, this emotional charge attached to it. But when you're feeling this happening, I know that you are more concerned with, like, survival. And you'll work harder to become more controlling of the world around you when you need to do the opposite. So understanding where you go in a healthy four zone will allow you to pull out of that stress. If you love a two, not fighting with them when they are in that defensiveness, doing something nice for them that they intuitively know what to do, not asking them for what they need won't always work because they have a hard time expressing that. Being just a safe place for them to vent without you trying to fix it goes a long, long way. Now for enneagram threes, what stresses an enneagram 3 out is not seeing progress towards a goal, feeling like a failure, feeling incompetent or being around incompetence, not accomplishing things, not being acknowledged. They hate to lose. Comparing themselves to others who are highly successful, feeling worthless or undesirable. Since threes are highly focused and driven to succeed, threes seriously often burn themselves out trying to be the best and crossing that finish line. You know, they focus so much on the goal line that they lose, you know, sight of the soul line sometimes. So because they're not afraid of a challenge, they enjoy proving themselves and standing out. However, when you are highly stressed as a three, you can push yourselves way too hard, punish yourself way too viciously for your failures, right? And this is when extreme stress hits. You suddenly flip a switch and become more apathetic and kind of a shell because your. Your stress number is an unhealthy nine, right? So all of a sudden you're like, I got this, I got this. And the next thing you know, you're like a shell of a human. And because that drives you and that stresses you out more, you might overcompensate by doing too much, which creates more stress burnout. Your body will break down on you, Your relationships will suffer, right? Or a lot of times, you'll just fill yourself with more busy work to avoid facing the reality of that, keeping that problem going on. So when you are a three, your growth number is the six. So recognizing that, like, if you become a shell or you're horizontal, and that's the thing, if you love or lead a three, you won't see it unless you live with them. And even then, you may not recognize that you. Because they're so concerned about keeping, you know, the front going. But if you love a three. Like helping them take off the mask of competence and capability. Let them talk about what's bothering them. They won't naturally want to do this. That six zone is this reverse engineering and kind of strategizing, right? Slowing down. Threes hate to slow down because they feel incompetent when they do. This is the gift of slowing down to speed up. And for all my threes to do this yourself. Recognizing when you become that burnt out part of you that not overcompensating with more, more, more, but actually like, okay, let's put all the cards on the table. Let's reverse engineer this from a. Not let's kick ass some more, but like, let's see where this went sideways. Because when you do that, you'll allow yourself to succeed at the things that really matter to you. You'll understand the why behind it. Not just because I can win kind of aspect, because doing things just because you can win or crush it, although you might have the receipts to show that that makes you feel really significant. This is where burnout happens. So getting more playful and creative, leaning into your wings as a three, you have that four wing. Really, really important under stress to become more playful and tapping in to your vulnerability. Now for the Enneagram. Fours in stress. What stresses a four out is having to go along with a crowd. Too many external pressures, feeling misunderstood or criticized, micromanagement, being forced to follow a lot of rules, not making progress towards their creative goals, having to put on a happy face when they are struggling, having themselves and their feelings be dismissed, being abandoned, living in uninspiring situations, and feeling creatively blocked. The fours are naturally imaginative, but also melancholy. And fours believe in being deeply authentic and finding their unique identity in the world. And they hate. Fours hate feeling forced into a box. That's why a lot of fours are mistyped as sevens, by the way, or unable to express their true feelings and ideals. So when fours are stressed, they tend to isolate and withdraw. They're part of the withdrawn types and kind of brood over the negative feelings. That's why it can get really dark for a four when they withdraw, they're most prone to depression. And then they dwell on the darkness of the emotions. And it's really, really hard, you know, as a four to see that happening. If the stress increases to an extreme level, fours can suddenly change and become more outgoing and anxious for human interaction because their stress number is the Enneagram, too. So they can start to look like a people pleaser. They might try too hard to please Others or find ways to kind of get closer. They might seem a little more needy, expressive, or people pleasing, like I said, because they're craving affirmation and are terrified of being abandoned or rejected. So they will try to help others in order to regain a sense of being needed by the ones that they love. Now for an Enneagram 4, your growth number is the Enneagram 1. So adding a little structure, and I know that doesn't make A4 feel unique, it actually feels more boxed in. But what I'll usually tell a four is if you add structure to three areas of your life, sleep, like making sure you get enough sleep. Number two, what you put in your body, eliminate some sugar and alcohol for a little bit. And number three, move your body just even if it means walking, get out in nature and do that. It will really help you get grounded into that uniqueness of who you are now. You know, helping them express their feelings, holding space. Don't try to minimize their feelings. If you love them, remind them of their YouTube unique talents and strengths just being a positive place. And don't try to rush their process. If you love or lead an Enneagram 4 when they're stressed. Now in Enneagram 5 under stress, what stresses them out is not getting enough alone time, feeling barged in on or incompetent or incapable, feeling too detached from the physical world, physical malnutrition or neglect, being overwhelmed by fears and dark thoughts. They can kind of appear very four like sometimes feeling like life doesn't have much meaning and extreme isolation and a lack of connection. Now the Enneagram 5 goes to 7 under extreme stress. So fives crave mastery in something and that will set them apart. And these types often grew up feeling misunderstood and lost. They worried that they weren't capable of handling whatever life kind of threw at them. And they hope that through that specialist or mastery in an area that they could feel competent. However many five search endlessly for mastery and knowledge only to get lost in analysis and. And that. That paralysis that can be that right. When the stress builds, they become increasingly distractible, which is that 7 zone and that escapism. And it's like all the tabs are open at once and the overwhelm is happening at 4 or 5. They won't extract externally, usually show that they won't look like a 7 externally, but internally they are. And to quiet that sometimes they may drink too much, binge eat, go to parties, clubs, in search of an escape for their stress. And they might even seem aggressive and insensitive during those moments. And so the growth number for the Enneagram five is the eight. And that is kind of where you find that inner strength and like zero fuck zone, that more intense area, like finding it deep in your roots and in your guts. And if you love or lead A five, helping them quiet their mind again, they will not be very receptive to this and a lot of times not throwing words at them because if they're stressed out, they're already feeling incompetent and so trying to solve something for them is actually going to make them feel worse. So getting them involved in nature, just movement, being playful, just reminding them that you'll be there for them regardless of whatever is happening. Like don't try to solve it from. They are the quiet specialist after all. And they like to feel like they're the expert in this. Letting them feel safe with you to feel their feelings. And you're not going to, you know, like I said, overburden them and kind of close in on them. It's a worst case scenario for a 5. Respect their need for privacy and don't interrupt them or like I said, barge in on them. Enneagram Sixes under stress I will say that of all the Enneagram type sixes under stress, they stress out the most and they're most obvious when they are. They're the most obvious under stress because you know, they're the loyal skeptic. Their biggest fear is being blindsided or unprepared. And nothing stresses a six out more than that. And that's just life, right? So what stresses them out is undependable people, disorder in their environment, chaos, not trusting themselves or other people, not having a sense of support, getting lost in catastrophizing, feeling unsafe, lack of structure, burnout because they over commit wishy washy behavior, feeling distrustful, making mistakes. So Sixes are hard working and loyal. They really really are. And they crave an environment of security, support and structure. They like and love knowing what's going to happen and when it's going to happen. That's why they ask lots of questions, right? But they're natural catastrophizers and they prepare for worst case scenarios and are vigilant to any disaster, any potential disaster. So under stress, sixes become hyper aware of all that could go wrong and they become crazy anxious and envision horrific possibilities at every turn. And they get lost in endless thoughts of negative things. And they can get caught up in researching solutions or news stories. They might also seek authority or a guide to Help them find the best way to handle this. When it's extreme stress, they go to the unhealthy three, right? They disintegrate to that. And when that happens they become more image conscious. They focus on how they appear to others. They may put on a Persona of professionalism and confidence. They might not to you but like there might be this mask of I'm going to fake it till I make it kind of thing. Become boastful and self promoting. Their work absorbs them and they become fixated on achievement. It's so interesting when I see a 6 become hyper focused online extra content. Although it may produce I know what's happening for a six. By being competitive, ambitious, they hope they can quiet that insecure low self esteem and that anxiety. But it actually creates more of it. The growth number for an Enneagram 6 is the Enneagram 9. That's that faith filled place, that trust that everything is going to work out for my greatest good. Not easy for a six to go to. So if you love or lead an enneagram 6 when they're under extreme stress, again, none of these types are going to love when you're kind of doing this. Help them remind themselves of what was real and dependable. Ask them to assume if the worst happens, what's the best that could happen. Don't patronize their fears. Number one. Like don't tell them not to worry about it. It's the worst thing to say to a 6. Remind them that you're there for them and you will sit here for as long as it takes. Really, really, really important. Help them cancel things that aren't essential. Again, they're not going to like that because they want to maintain control. But knowing that that's where they're going to go can help you help them better Enneagram sevens in stress. To most of us they look like nothing stresses them out, right? They're like the free spirit, the enthusiastic visionary. Right? But what stresses Sevens out and raising one and having some of my closest friends being sevens, I see this all the time. Do not micromanage a 7 because when they are, they're going to lose their shit. Not having enough freedom and choices, unstructured time, excessive responsibilities, being cooped up for too long, being stuck in one place for too long, boredom, details, financial issues, being stuck in a routine and lack of loyal friendships. Sevens are enthusiastic. They're the master innovators and visionaries. They find possibility even in the most dire of situations because they're so creative. It's typically easy for them to reframe a negative situation into a positive one. That being said, they still experience stress just like everyone else does. But when sevens are stressed, they become more escapist and impulsive. So to the outside world they may look fine. Fine means feelings inside, not expressed. And they'll fixate on finding a fun activity or experience to peruse and maybe become even more scattered than usual. Their stressor number is the Enneagram one. And so if stress builds to extreme degrees, they disintegrate into the unhealthy parts of the one. And when this happens, they restrain their normally free spirited behaviors and they will work harder, educate people, become more critical, judgmental, perfectionistic, rigid. They may even scold, nitpick or become sarcastic with people noticing every flaw in other people. This was the number one thing that the Enneagram taught me and why I fell in love with it is having a seven daughter. When she would do that as an eight, especially if I wasn't in a good place, I would try to fight with her and instead now understanding the framework. When she's like that, it's like hello, you have a seven under stress and how can you help them? Being playful and fun, not minimizing. Don't try and micromanage or strategize how you can get them out of it. Encouraging them to get to a quiet, calm, peaceful space. They're not going to want to do this. Helping them see pain is part of the process to help give them more freedom and choices. Like if they just try to deal with the good feelings, the pleasure, the escapism, you know, it's just like kicking the can down the street and helping them realize that pain is an integral part of life that will help them grow and give them more choices and freedom and not feel so caved in. Also helping them just have fun as they're dealing with the hard feelings and not making it so heavy. They already feel the heaviness which they hate. So being a light place for them. Again, don't try to tell them not to worry about it because if a 7 is to the point of worrying about it, it's extreme. It's extreme. Their growth number is the five zone, so they need more solitude, they need more quiet and introspection. Again, they're not going to like it, right? You're not going to like it if you're a seven. All right. For my Enneagram eights, my fellow challengers, eights under stress. What stresses out an enneagram 8? Feeling out of control, Being micromanaged having to be a follower, having your autonomy infringed upon, failure, wishy washy people, manipulation, having to sugarcoat things, having to play it safe, not being challenged right? Eights are charismatic and very strong willed and Eights crave freedom and a sense of power and strength in their world. They need independence and any situation that takes that away from them can create an enormous amount of stress and anger. During stress, Eights become more confrontational than usual and can work harder trying to achieve more independence and control in their lives. If stress builds to extreme, Eights kind of go into that reclusive and withdrawn space like an enneagram 5. They get stuck in analysis, building cases, reading and info gathering, trying to find subjects to master and attempt to feel competent. This is always also where they start building cases, sometimes against you so they can come out feeling strong and powerful and oftentimes even on themselves, they may stop taking care of themselves physically and become more quiet and detached than usual. How to help out a Stress state don't try to tell them that you got them. Prove that you are somebody that they can trust. Don't use words following through on your promises and meaning. What you say will give them reassurance that when shit's hitting the fan they can actually trust you and rely on you. Giving them time to themselves to decompress will be really important. Help them tune into their breathing and calm again. They're not going to like doing this. Our growth number as an Enneagram 8 is the Enneagram 2. Finding compassion and empathy and kind of leaning into that vulnerability will be very hard for them, but that's also what can help release stress. And if you love or lead an enneagram 8, being very clear and direct. But understanding is the key. This is how we gauge if we can trust you or not. And finally, the Enneagram 9 under stress. You will very rarely understand when an enneagram 9 is under stress because they won't let you see it because they hate conflict, right? But what stresses Nines out is conflict in their environment. Being with people who make a scene, being forced into something, being ignored or passed over, saying yes to things that they don't want to do even though they do it to themselves. Dealing with peer pressure, losing relationships that are important to them, suppressing their anger and their own needs and desires for too long and having too many demands on their time. Because Nines crave inner harmony. They crave the peace and environmental harmony and peace. And they want time to themselves to imagine, contemplate and explore they enjoy peaceful, harmonious environments and freedom. During stress. They try to downplay their own choices and needs in an effort to create inner peace as well as outer peace. They worry sometimes that by asserting themselves they will create more conflict. So they'll settle for short term harmony but create long term conflict internally and externally. So they try to suppress that anger fearing it will destroy them in some way. When stress increases to extreme levels, Nines fixate on security and they start to look like an unhealthy six, right? They worry about worst case scenario and become uncharacteristically pessimistic and.

Paranoid.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomali.com I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.