EP345: The Most Important Thing You Need to Know About Your Enneagram Type

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are. But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place. Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into it well over a decade ago. Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way, and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of Breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career, and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Welcome back to another episode of Leading with the Enneagram. Lead with the Enneagram and I get asked a lot. I've been doing a lot of team trainings and couples and partner sessions, and so often we come to a group or a partner setting wanting to understand the other person or wanting them to understand you so you can avoid conflict so things can go a little more smoothly. And I'm about to give you the greatest Enneagram hack. And if you get nothing else from your understanding of the Enneagram, this is going to change everything. If you are open. And I say that because had somebody said this to me maybe 12 years ago, I probably would have been like, go F yourself. Seriously, they're the problem. I'm not. They need to understand me better. And it was 11 years ago when I was learning about the Enneagram. The biggest first aha was oh. Recognizing how other people might receive me. Now, if you are like me, how I was back prior 12 years ago, I didn't really care how others received me. And that might be you. And no judgment, because I think so often we don't get it till we get it right. And prior to that time when I was learning about the Enneagram, I would have been like, well, they need to figure it out. If they can't deal with me, then it's their problem. And although there might honestly be some truth to that. Is that right? Maybe. Is it effective? Absolutely not. And one of the things that I talk about, teach, train, speak whenever I can is, do you want to be effective or do you want to be right? And you might want to be right. And if so, like, you got more time on this journey. And that's okay, because I don't think we get it till we get it, and I don't think until you're ready, it's gonna stick. But I am a firm believer in when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And if you are listening to me, or if you have fallen into my vortex, my podcast, my Instagram, whatever, then I am a firm believer that you are ready for this message. Whether or not you take it and run with it or do anything with it, or fall down with it, just know that I believe that you're getting this message for a reason today. And so I kind of wanted to chit chat about how other people might receive your Enneagram type. Again, like, understanding other people is really, really great. Understanding yourself is really, really great. But understanding how others might receive you, even when you're at your very best. Right? At my very best, I'm still an intense motherfucker. I am. And there's no way around that now. Being mindful that that intensity might really work for a lot of people, and there's a lot of people that might not work for. And it's not me chameleoning, but I know, especially in a role of leadership, whether it's in my home, as a mom, in my partnership, in my friendships, as a coach, I have to be able to be mindful of how every single other Enneagram type might receive me so that the intent of my heart lands the way that I would like it to. Because I think so often we're like, well, I didn't intend for that, or I didn't mean to make them feel that. And that's great. Like, that's awesome. But if we continue to still do that and disrupt this relationship, whether it's personal or professional, that's not super effective. Not super effective. And with great Reward comes great responsibility. And to whom much is given, much is required. So if you are raising your hand and saying, I want to be a leader, I want to be an impact maker, I want to be an influencer, whatever the hell it means to you, then with that reward and with much is given, much is required, and with great responsibility. And so the biggest shift happened in my life as a mom, as a friend, as a professional, and in my bank account, quite honestly, was when I understood that as an enneagram 8, how others might receive me, I need to be mindful of. I need to be mindful of again, I'm not changing who I am, but I know depending on who's in front of me. And you may not know who's in front of you, right? That's another thing, is being kind of in your body enough and in your intuition enough to be able to recognize who might be around you. And I talk about the way that I teach the Enneagram is so much about being able to be in our intuition, in our nervous system, because they're the ultimate compass, right? They're both divine gifts. And so often we bypass out of those and kind of just run on ego or intensity or whatever that looks like for you or reaction. And that isn't being able to allow you to discern who is in front of you sometimes or to be able to pick up on how other people might be receiving you. And that has been single handedly the greatest gift, you know, raising an Enneagram 2 and an Enneagram 7. And knowing this information since they were in their early teens has been super effective as a mom, right? I'm still coming in hot most of the time, but knowing if my son is in the house as an empath, my Enneagram Twos, the highly sensitives, also a strength of theirs, right? That's their strength. I don't want him to just be in fear or his nervous system dysregulated just because of my intensity. You know, like an enneagram 2 feels everything, every bit of energy. And they can't always discern if it's about them or if it's not. And if they think it's about them, then I am sending him off into dysregulation. He's not going to hear anything that's intended on my heart, right? And with my daughter, like knowing how she might receive my intensity as judgment, as controlling. And for an enneagram7, they don't want to be put in a box. So understanding that I am responsible for the energy in which I bring to every situation. My intensity is still my biggest spiritual gift. But it is also my responsibility to make sure it is coming from love, compassion, empathy, service, grace and understanding of who is around me. So I just want to kind of give you a little bit of nuggets. This is going to be a nice short, sweet episode because I want to give you something really important to kind of chew on, maybe for yourself, maybe in understanding the people in your life. If you aren't sure what you are on the Enneagram, please go right now to traceyomalley.com the work with me section to get your assessment assessment done. My assessment is 95% plus accurate and all those other online assessments online are 65 to 70% inaccurate. And if you're going to use this amazing, powerful, the best growth tool in my opinion of all, having the right information is key. So that's why I have created the blueprints for you. So that not only you get the right information, you have your own little soul blueprint and roadmap. Because you are more than just your type. There's other framework connected to you to help support what I'm about to tell you. Because here's the thing, like my eightness, my intensity isn't always the right tool for the job, right? It's always there. It's always my natural go to. But having this other framework that I know what it is, where it kind of comes from, what to do with it, allows me to still be in that intensity. That is my spiritual gift, but not be so off putting in to be more effective in the world. So go get your blueprint today. Tracyomalley.com the work with me section. It is the best money you'll spend to have the accurate information. Then you can take all this amazing information and run with it. Because information doesn't equal transformation. The integration of it does. Okay, so back to how each Enneagram type might be received. So if you're an enneagram one, you are motivated by being good and right and you operate in that righteousness all the time. And that is your spiritual gift, right? Like you're the integrity, the high standards, the do what you say you're going to do. And sometimes when you're not in the best place or you're kind of have your blinders on, you can come across as very judgmental, critical, unable to please. And if that's happening, people aren't going to want to be around you. You can't be effective if people aren't wanting to be around you, period. Your brilliance, your wisdom cannot be taken. So understanding that that is a tendency of how people might receive you, be mindful of it. You have other tools in your toolbox to help regulate how that righteousness and high integrity gets put out into the world so that it can be received for a great teacher, a great mentor, rather than like seeing you coming and wanting to run Enneagram twos sometimes because you operate from a place of motivated by significance and being loved and appreciated. Although that's what makes you great connectors and relationship people sometimes, sometimes if you aren't careful, you can come across as fake and a little needy, right? Because that need for love and appreciation, you might be the yes guy or girl, right? And somebody like me can sniff that out. Like, I don't need your compliments, I don't need your help. If you are doing it to get something right. Sometimes you come by it so innocently, but being mindful that that motive to be loved and appreciated can run really, really strong and have you doing and saying things that maybe aren't authentic to what you really, really feel, but because you're afraid of being maybe rejected or, you know, alone or whatever. And again, I don't want you to think that being motivated by love and appreciation is a bad thing, because it's not. It's what makes you amazing connectors and that. But making sure it's coming from the right place so people can actually lean into your gifts, which is that beautiful, helpful, intuitive nature rather than like I'm giving to get Enneagram threes, you know, you're motivated by significance also, but it's in what you do and what you achieve in the world. And so often you guys can read a situation and know what you need to do in order to win to be the best, right? That's your goal, is to be the best. And worst case scenario for you is losing, right? And so a lot of times, even though we admire you, one of two things happen. Either we feel that maybe we can't hang with you and so we bail on you, or we aren't part of your grander picture, or we do see it in you and we do jump onto that bandwagon. And then when you hit the goal or hit the end zone, we don't feel like you actually wanted us there, that we were just a part of a pawn in part of your grand big scheme, and then you're already onto the next thing. And so a lot of times people can perceive an enneagram 3 as kind of Being cold or opportunistic in not the most beautiful ways that I know that you guys want to be seen as so something to be really, really important if you're an enneagram 3 is, you know, making sure you communicate what your true intent is in relationship, especially when it comes to hitting the end zone or a goal. Enneagram fours, you guys are probably the most confusing to us all. How people receive you is either mysterious or moody. You're motivated by significance as well, but it's in being unique and authentic to who you are. And if you're kind of in your intuitive gift in your own body and your nervous system, if you haven't abandoned that, like, that's when your magic comes and that's where we get your creativity and your authenticity and your music and your stories and the emotional capacity in which you're really, really great at. But you have to be careful because once you take your eyes up and you start comparing yourself to the world, this is where you kind of are switching it up. Or you might be a little emot and it's a little all over the place. And when you're all over the place and we're confused by you, a lot of people may not put the effort into like dealing with that. And that can feel very abandoning. It can feel not good at all, right? And so, you know, you being very, very mindful in order for you to be received the way that you intend is going to require you to understand that you're spiritual gift is that emotional range and that not everyone else may understand what that feels like. That's your intuitive gift. You have that capacity. But for a lot of people, that can be like, oh my gosh, I don't even know what to say. I don't even know how to respond. So they bail and that isn't what they want. But they. When they don't know what's going on, that's usually the default. So being mindful that knowing who's in front of you, can they. Can they hang with you? And you might be saying, well, nobody can hang with me. That's not true. That's not true. But your spiritual gift being this emotional capacity must be coming from the love, compassion, empathy, service and grace, innocence and fun, right? In order for it to be received as such. Otherwise it just looks a little bit all over the place and a little bit like, dramatic. Okay, for my Enneagram Fives, you know, you are motivated by certainty in being prepared, knowledgeable, and having enough resources in order to be capable and Equipped and you know, so you're kind of in that rabbit hole of kind of gathering intel and that's amazing. And your gift is being wise and the expert, the quiet specialist, right? But sometimes, especially if you're fearful that somebody is going to intrude or energetically bankrupt you, you almost kind of put up this energetic wall that I know what's happening. But for most people it can feel very cold, disconnected, kind of snobby or intellectually arrogant sometimes. Now I know that's not true. But when we're in that fear, anxiety, unworthiness, shame, guilt, ego, and we kind of start putting walls up, that's how other people are going to receive you rather than that wise counsel and that quiet specialist and the investigator that you are. So being mindful that the energy, your energy does not have a poker face, not even a little bit. So being mindful of if you're in fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt or ego, it's going to come across that way. Most likely for enneagram sixes also motivated by a need for certainty and your need to know all the things so that you aren't blindsided, so that you can be prepared so that worst case scenario doesn't happen. So what happens is, is especially if you feel worried or that other people aren't kind of holding their own, you start interrogating and you fire hose with questions and questions. And although you know it's a good thing, it's what makes you the ultimate troubleshooter and the ultimate collaborator because you do have different plans for worst case scenario. It's what makes you amazing at being the loyal skeptic. But when it's coming from that fear or insecurity, it can really come across as untrustworthy or untrusting, judgmental, critical, a little self righteous almost, right? Like hey, don't you think I have this handled? When I was first getting to know some threes and they would like fire hose me questions, all of a sudden I got a little cautious. I'm like, all right. And what happens when I feel like I'm being controlled is I get more evasive, right? And that is not win win for anyone, not for a six and certainly not for me. And so for my sixes, what I'll usually tell them is, you know, first check your energy and ask yourself, are you coming from fear, unworthiness, you know, shame, guilt, ego, whatever, or are you coming from love, compassion, empathy, service and grace? And what I'll usually tell a six is, you know, if you're Going to start fire. Hosing a bunch of questions to anybody, not just an 8 like me, but anybody, because we want to build intimacy, is let them know why you're asking all the questions. Like, listen, I want to be totally on board with this, and I want to be a team player. I want to help you with the best of my ability. But I have some questions first that really need to be answered so that I am all in with you. And the minute I hear that kind of thing, I'm like, I'll sit and answer questions all day long because I know the intent, right? People need to know your intent, and if you're scared, they need to know that, too, and it's okay to tell them. For Enneagram sevens this, you know, Enneagram sevens are why I studied the enneagram. Having a daughter that's a seven, I did not understand how you all functioned. I really, really didn't. And, you know how people might receive you as being a little bit all over the place and unfocused and, you know, a shiny object chaser or squirrel brain or whatever that looks like, Right? And because you're motivated by certainty that you have all options available to you and that freedom and choices are available to you whenever you choose them, knowing that it can make you look a little bit all over the place, like you want to yes yourself all the time, you start saying yes to all these different things, and it looks like you're unfocused and it looks like you don't have a plan. Sometimes you do, and sometimes you don't. And when you're chasing the shiny object, asking yourself, am I making this decision because it's actually the right thing to do, or am I making this decision because I'm bored? I'm feeling fearful that, you know, if I don't do this, I'm going to be, you know, having fomo, all these other things. You're called the enthusiastic visionary. You're the master innovator. You are what brings things to life that none of us could ever imagine. That is your gift, is there are no stupid ideas. Your imagination runs wild. But if you can't kind of streamline and focus or communicate some of the things behind what you're doing and how you're. You're kind of operating. You are. You are looking unfocused, and you are looking like you don't have your shit together. And I'm not saying that you have to announce this to everyone, but, you know, for the people that really matter to you in your Life they need to understand so they can support your big ideas and your big dreams and maybe help you in areas that will keep you a little more focused and see the magic to the finish line. So just, you know, I know sevens hate being underestimated. You know, it's part of them like it. But, but I know especially as you're growing, you feel misunderstood a lot. So the more that you can communicate behind it and, and for those of us that love you guys, you know, I, I love your crazy ass brains. I do, I do. And I still don't understand how you function, but I do understand the method behind the madness. And the more that you can communicate that and, and walk your talk in it, the better. For my fellow Enneagram Eights like me, obviously, you know, we're motivated by being strong and independence, autonomy and control. We don't want to be controlled. But how we go about it sometimes, especially when we're in that fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt or ego, it can be very domineering, aggressive, intense. And if you are like me prior, like really healing me, you might like it that way. Honestly, I got off on it. I got off on being intimidating. I got off on people kind of being cautious around me because that's how I knew I was in control. Not effective. Not effective as a parent, not effective as a partner, not effective as a leader of any sort. It might keep you behind a wall and you might like it that way, but that is not where intimacy is created. And even though my Enneagram Eights really would prefer not to have to rely on anyone, which I totally understand, that's not where the juicy parts of life come in. And especially if you want to lead in some form in your life, whether it's in your home and your personal life or your professional life to whom much is given, much is required. So even though you will be intense and you will be aggressive, the come from is what's really, really important. Now I'm still intense, I still come in hot. But because the energy is 95% of time coming from the love, compassion, kind of feel good stuff, even when the intensity is a bit much, it is received the way that I want it and the way that I intend. And it works more often than it doesn't, there are still some people who don't like it. And that's okay. And I understand that that's how they might be receiving me. And it's okay because I can check my intent and I can my energy and I can check my come from and know that I feel good about that. Not everybody's going to like it and I don't have to fight against it either. Right? That's the thing too is not everybody's going to like how they receive you. And it might be very triggering for them. But you don't have to argue it, you don't have to defend it, whether you're an eight or not. Finally, my Enneagram nines. My Enneagram Nines, you know, you love peace and harmony and that is what motivates you. That's how you gain your independence, autonomy and control. And you know, because you're such an instinctual what is happening right now person, typically you settle for short term harmony sometimes and create a long term problem. And so how people might receive, receive you as a little wishy washy or kind of lazy spirited. And I know that's not it at all. You guys have very strong intuition, you have strong opinions. But. But if you don't exercise and use your voice, people might not lean into you for advice or they may forget about you. And that's the thing. You guys are at the top of the Enneagram. You have like the divine energy and we need you to step into that. And we don't want to look at you like an Eeyore. We'd rather look at you like a Yoda. But when you're like, I don't care whatever you want for the need to keep the peace and create harmony, people need to know that if all hell is going to break loose, you could, you can fight and you can stand on the front line and hold your own. Right? It's going to be really, really important. And because you have the, the grand perspective being at the top of the Enneagram, we know you got it in you, we know you got it in you, but we got to see you walk the talk. So I really wanted to share with you guys. It's one thing to understand yourself, it's another thing to understand the people in your life or the people that you love, the people that you lead, your teams, your families, all the things. But I think the greatest thing that I could really give you and the thing that you really need to understand. And again, depending on where you're at in your growth journey, you might be, I don't give a shit how anybody receives me. I know this is the way I am. And I'm probably not going to be the person for you, right? But because I know you're listening to this podcast and you're listening to growth and things like that, even if it isn't landing the way that maybe you would like it to right now, I want you to chew on this because this was the game changer for me, is understanding how others might receive me and asking myself at the end of the day, do I want to be right or do I want to be effective? And when we operate from a place of wanting to be effective personally and professionally, this is where we can produce more, we can grow more, we can love more, we can make more money, we can do all the things that I know that you want to do. When we just operate from a place of wanting to be right all the time, we just make this shit a lot harder. And you know, the older I get, the more that I understand that the easier I can make this and the more effective I can be, the more energy I have for all the things that matter to me. And I know that you do too. If you love this episode, give it a good old Share if you have been impacted by this podcast, it really would mean the world to me if you took a second to leave a review on any of the platforms that you listen to. That's how more people become aware of our show. And also like, if you are somebody who wants that in your life, you know, I'm going to put out there what you want back. So please, please please please share it, review it, all the things, subscribe to it. I'll be bringing you more juicy Enneagram stuff in a few days. We'll talk soon.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple Podcast review. If you have any further follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at Tror Malley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomali.com I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.