EP347: You Could Have Tony Robbins in Your Back Pocket, But Without THIS It Doesn’t Matter. What You Need in Order to Live Your Best Life

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are. But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place. Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into it well over a decade ago. Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way, and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, and as well as solo episodes of Breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Lead with the Enneagram. I Yesterday. So it's a week by the time you're hearing this. It was last week. I did about six hours of interviews where I was a guest on several different podcasts and it was amazing. And you know, these podcasts that I was on, one of them was people that knew me before all of you did, right? Like, you've heard the stories. If you've heard me on other podcasts, you've heard about my past. Somebody who's in recovery, somebody who's been through divorce, becoming a single mom. Like you've heard the story, but I was interviewed by some, some people that knew me then. Like, it's one thing to hear the story, it's another thing to watch the story unfold. And you know, I'm God, 12 years from that rock bottom. Kind of like I'm going to do whatever I need to do to change my life mode, you know, I've been at it for 22 years and, and maybe I you where I've taken some steps forward and then, you know, we go back to what we know, right? You know, we get tools in our toolbox, but when we're in crisis and we're just learning how to use tools, a lot of times we'll throw down the tools that we know can work but we're not skilled or confident in using yet. And we pick up the things that we know which are usually kind of what got us into this problem. And I've just had some reflection over the last a few days after those interviews and all the other ones that happened that day and because I'm in it every day and my own kind of, you know, personal growth, recovery, my commitment, my unconditional commitment and consistency in the maintenance of my spiritual condition and my own work, I forget sometimes that there's this one crucial piece that even with all the tools in the toolbox, even with the greatest coaches, myself included, even with, you know, Tony Frickin Robbins in your corner, there's one element that you must have in order for all this growth and all the tools to work. And that is called self compassion. And you know, I think a lot of times we are free to give compassion for other people. And you might not even like you might think you're giving compassion to somebody else, but it might be sympathy, which is a form of judgment, it's a pretty version of judgment. Or you might think what you're giving is compassion and it actually might be enabling. Having compassion for yourself is really no different than having compassion for other people. You know, the first kind of thing you have to have in order to have compassion for yourself or others is to recognize that there is suffering going on of some sort. And if you ignore that in others and in yourself, you can't kind of put yourself in in those shoes. Compassion also involves being moved by that suffering. Right? For a lot of us, we don't have compassion for ourselves because even if we're not conscious of this, there is something comforting about that suffering. And that's usually when we start to self judge shame. And for other people we can criticize all the other things. But having compassion also means that you have an understanding and you can offer that understanding and kindness to yourself and others when you fail or make mistakes. And I think we do have an easier time doing this for other people. Even when it's not enabling and even when it's not judgment, we have an easier time looking from the outside towards another human being, but the real key to your growth journey. Like I said, it doesn't matter if you could have me and some of the best coaches out there, but if you can't find a way to learn how to have self compassion, it's going to be really challenging and it's going to get really, really frustrating. So. So instead of, you know, mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for maybe some inadequacies or shortcomings, having self compassion means that you are kind and understanding when confronted with your personal failings. You don't expect other people to be perfect, but for some reason, we do this to ourself. And like I said, there is something that feels very comfortable about suffering. And you might be listening right now, thinking, I'm full of shit. And I get that, because if I had heard this a couple, you know, decade or so ago, I'd be like, yeah, go f yourself. Like, seriously, there is nothing fun about this suffering. There is nothing joyful or exciting about this suffering. But are you really looking at yourself with the eyes of the innocence in you? And this is what I love about the Enneagram. It's what I love about tying the Enneagram into that young child in yourself and in others. And I really wanted to touch on some things about self compassion today because using the tool of the Enneagram gave me that gift. When people ask me, like, the biggest thing I got from the Enneagram, it was the ability to have compassion for myself and to see myself without the harsh, harsh criticism or the self abuse. Quite honestly, the framework and the system and the supplemental tools within the Enneagram really allowed me to understand and put myself in the shoes of that innocent little girl that, you know, started to believe that she needed to be something that she wasn't, and that she had these standards that were unrealistic, whether they were imposed on her by somebody or even myself. And so I wanted to talk about the power of self compassion today because as I was telling the stories yesterday on those interviews, I could see the look in people's eyes, like, my God, how did you work through that? How did you work through that? And how. Like, how did you not? There were so many different things. And I'll be sure to share those interviews when they come out because I'm confident that they will help you. And every time that I could see the look in their eyes and they'd say, but, like, how did you make the change? And it was in understanding my framework of the Enneagram, the ability to look at myself through those different lenses and find that compassion. And so how I like to explain the Enneagram. I've explained it here before, but maybe in this setting and in this topic, I really want you to hear me. And you can even tell, like, in the tone of my voice, you know, usually I'm very fiery and intense, and for my more intense people, you might miss that in this episode. But I think the intense people probably need this more than anyone. When I was unpacking the Enneagram, you know, almost 12 years ago and was able to look at myself from that innocence, things changed. And how I love to explain the Enneagram today is this. And you won't hear other Enneagram teachers, information people talk about it this way. And this is my interpretation of it. It is how I've used it the last 12 years. It's how I've guided thousands of people to transformation of some sort in their life. They've done the work. But, you know, this interpretation really brings the beauty into this tool. And it was funny because I was on a podcast last week. It was my dream podcast. And you may have heard about it when I talked about it on social media. It is my dream client. And I had worked with their team. I had worked with her individually. And their podcast, I'm the only guest they've ever had on their podcast. And it came out about a week ago. And a lot of great feedback from many of you, from their audience, so much they loved it. Like, they were blown away by it. Like, the whole Intro was like 12 minutes of just praise for the work that I do. And I. And I believe it. And they posted a reel about it. And there was a lot of haters in the comments. And I'm not somebody who typically gets a lot of haters. And you might think, well, then you're not doing something right, and that's just not true. But it hurt a little bit to see that not everybody, in fact, people really didn't like it. And I can imagine for the couple that this podcast is. It's called Pillow Talks, by the way. You should go check it out. Vanessa and Xander Marin. It's like my favorite podcast. It's beautiful. Beautiful. And they love the Enneagram. Like I said, they've had me on working with their teams and individually and things like that, and they asked me to be their only guest because of the work that I do, and they felt the power of it. You know, she's a therapist, so for her to put her name behind me, I know how seriously she considers that before doing anything. And I do too. And so to see some of these hateful comments underneath the reel that she posted, of course hurt because I'm a human being and I was able to find compassion for these people because I know, I understand the Enneagram is outside the box. And especially if you are somebody that is of Christian or practice a strong religion, and I am a strong woman of faith that you might be resistant to a tool like this for things narratives that have been said about it. But I was able to go to this place of compassion because I understand even though it hurt and even though like it didn't feel good at all seeing some of those things, I also understand that sometimes we don't get it till we get it. Sometimes people are comfortable with something before they're willing to open up their minds. And that like that shocked me. I still didn't like it. And part of me wanted to snap back, but I didn't because I understand that we're all on this journey, but for you in particular, how the Enneagram kind of works. And this is what happened in this moment for me and on these interviews yesterday. You know, we have this beautiful divine intuition and we have this beautiful body vessel and the nervous system is kind of the check engine lights for the vessel. Right. And the intuition is kind of the divine downloads from source God, whatever you like to call it, I happen to call it God. And for so many of us, like that is the ultimate compass, the intuition and the vessel of the nervous system. Right. But so many of us have experienced things that have us bypassing out of that early, early on in our life, you know, upbringings, cultures, birth orders, traumas, school systems, you name it, you know, socialization, we start to have things kind of taught, told and modeled for us that, you know, depending on where we're at in our life and in our health and in our surroundings, we can start to believe and create thoughts and patterns around that. And so often that has us erring outside of self compassion. And for some of us, like for me, that started as early as four or five years old where self compassion got shoved down and it instead was met with criticism and judgment and walls and ways to not feel those things. And the beauty of the Enneagram and how I was able to get to self compassion at the age of 40, and I'm a work in progress, I'm human was understanding that. Right. And especially if you haven't had memories, you know, I didn't have a lot of memories when I started this journey at 40 years old, the deep, deep journey. Like I said, I started this at 28. But like the real strong willingness to go deep at all costs and sacrificing anything and anyone I needed to in order to do it. I didn't have a lot of memories at first. And if we are critical and guarded, chances are you're going to have a hard time accessing them. So being gentle with yourself, being gentle with yourself and the beauty of the Enneagram and getting typed properly, obviously you will kind of be able to know where you go in these situations. And it's why I have created the blueprints so that you have the accurate information, so you can take this information and integrate it, so you can experience the growth and accelerate the transformation in your life. You gotta have the right information. So go to traceyomalley.com the work with me section to get your blueprint today. Seriously, 95% accurate. You'll get your own 75 page customized blueprint with the information. And once you have the right information, you will know your core motive and your core fear. And every time that you feel dysregulated in your nervous system, or, you know, like you got that hit from your intuition and you're bypassing out of it, or you're meeting yourself with, you know, fear, insecurity and worthiness, shame, guilt, ego, criticism, judgment, shame, like you name it. Using the tool of the Enneagram can help you pause, understand that your, your core fear has been nicked. And maybe, you know, the thing that motivates you is at risk here. And maybe people don't understand it. And the beauty of the Enneagram is allowing you to pause for a moment. Me understanding that my core fear is being betrayed, violated, or being put in a vulnerable situation. And I'm motivated by being strong, right, and independent and autonomous and in control of myself. And like that, that post that people were not loving on, I was feeling the betrayal. I was feeling violated. I was feeling put in a vulnerable situation because this was my life's work that people are saying was pieces of shit and like they were considering unfollowing and not sharing these people's podcasts. And I felt like, so responsible in that moment. Of course, I felt like very vulnerable. And instead of operating, judging myself or even exploding on somebody else, I was like, well, wait a second, like, my core fear has been activated. Where else in the Enneagram with the wings, with the lines, with my instinct, with my tri type, can I use supplemental tools in order to not blow this up, blow it up publicly, out on the socials, and most importantly, blow it up internally on myself in a way that would keep me from not stepping into my intuition and not honoring my nervous system. And even worse, not stepping into my God given gifts and doing this beautiful work that I do. And using the framework of the Enneagram allowed me to do that at a rapid pace. So I wanted to give you three elements of self compassion and what this might look like. Right? And I'm telling you, when we use the framework in the system of the Enneagram, you will be able to sift through a lot of the fluffy stuff that you think might be covering that might be the real issue. Like I'm telling you, when you know your core fear by Enneagram type, this is why being typed properly is super, super important. And also knowing what motivates you at your core, this moves a lot faster. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, it doesn't mean it's without pain, it doesn't mean it doesn't suck, but you can move through it a hell of a lot faster. So these are the three elements of self compassion. Number one is self kindness versus self judgment. So self compassion entails being warm and understanding toward yourself when you suffer, fail or feel inadequate rather than either ignoring your pain or berating yourself with judgment and self criticism. Self compassionate people like you will recognize that being imperfect, failing and experiencing life challenges and difficulties is inevitable. Like, you know, if you've been a longtime listener, I used to talk about becoming bulletproof and standing on the front line of your life. And when we become bulletproof, it doesn't mean we don't take the hits, but it doesn't have to take us out. And this is where self compassion really can come into play. And so knowing that these things in life on life's terms is going to come and kick you in the teeth. You have the ability to be more gentle with yourself when you are confronted with painful experiences rather than, you know, all these other coping mechanisms, you know, that keep you stuck. You know, we stay as stuck, sick and ashamed as our secrets. So the more that you can kind of pause for a moment, you know this will help. You can't always be or get exactly what you want. And this reality sometimes is denied or fought against, especially like my, my fellow aides, right? And when we fight against it, instead of kind of surrendering and going to that compassion, the suffering increases. And, and I like to say, like it's going to keep showing up in your life. Same Package, just different wrapping paper. And so when you can understand that this reality is going to happen and you can accept it with kindness and compassion, greater emotional intelligence, and your experiences get better. Number two element of self compassion is humanity and solitude versus isolation. Sometimes that frustration at not having everything exactly as you want is often kind of partnered by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation. I know that's my go to like, as if like, and this is kind of where we get self absorbed. You feel like you are the only one suffering or making mistakes. I'm telling you right now, the most successful people struggle and make more mistakes than anyone. And we all as humans do suffer. However, the very definition of being human means that you are mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. And honestly, it's where we find the really beautiful parts of life. I think this is also the beauty of being 51 years old. As I can see on the other side, like how I've turned even the most hard shit, the things I wouldn't wish on anybody into something beautiful and it has to do with this. So therefore, self compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of a shared human experience. And again, we stay as stuck, sick and ashamed as our secrets. So the more that we are willing to be vulnerable and not isolate, you know, ourselves kind of go into solitude to kind of get your bearings. And then, you know, with safe people, misery does love company. So you have to be very discerning on where you kind of open up and do become vulnerable. But the more that we do that and understand that this is something that we all go through, rather than just assuming it's, you're unique in this, you will be able to find more self compassion. You're like, oh, I'm not the only one. It took me 40 years to figure that one out. And finally, number three, mindfulness versus over identification. So self compassion also requires taking a more balanced approach to your negative emotions. So feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. And you know, as an enneagram8, knowing that my kind of stressor number is more of a five zone, that's more isolation. An eight kind of exaggerated can be more explosive. And each enneagram type can, you know, you can use this beautiful system as a compass so you can understand mindfulness versus, you know, this exaggerated kind of part of you. This equilibriated stance stems from the process of relating your own personal experience to those of others who might also have gone through some kind of suffering. In this way, this also puts your own situation sometimes into larger perspective and it stems from this willingness to observe your negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity so that you know they're held in mindful awareness. And I know like many of you, listening might be a coach or a parent or a spouse or really you, you, you're a good friend. You have no problem kind of standing on the outside looking in with compassion for other people. And when you can do this for yourself, it's a game changer. Mindfulness is non judgmental. It's receptive and it's a receptive mind state in which you observe thoughts and feelings as they are. You know, feelings aren't facts, but they are very real, right? They aren't facts as they are without trying to suppress or deny them. If you haven't seen the movie, I've mentioned this several times over 350 podcast episodes. One of the best movies you could ever watch is a children's movie called Inside Out. And this was a game changer for me too in understanding the importance of importance of all the human emotions. Depending on your enneagram type, you might favor one more than the other. Just like you know that tool that you're more comfortable with because it's known to you. But you need to understand and embrace the full scope of all the human emotions and feelings in order to get to acceptance and transformation. So making sure that you leave the space for that, you can't ignore your pain and feel compassion at the same time. So you have to be open to all of this because the only way you're going to get to acceptance and transformation is to go through the entire process of all the emotions. Mindfulness also requires you not to be over identified with those thoughts and feelings. Right? Feelings aren't facts so that you are caught up and swept away by this negative reactivity in telling the stories yesterday on these podcasts and like they were so good. I can't wait to like, I don't love to promote myself at all or even interviews I've been on, but you know, thankfully I love going on other people's shows. So like I, I have no problem promoting them. But these conversations specifically yesterday I think are going to be very helpful for you. And the common theme in telling many different parts of the story over the last 51 years, whether it was business, parenting, divorce, death, personal failure, friendship, divorces, all sorts of things. The common theme in transformation and growth came down to self compassion. And I really feel like as we're halfway through the year and the summertime is hitting and you might be looking at your Business, your family, your relationships, your health. And you might be beating yourself up. And I really want you to pause for a second and. And recognize that there was a part of you that believed or thought that this criticism, this level of perfectionism, or the win at all costs, or the self sacrifices were what was required for you to grow and have the life that you desire and that you deserve. And I'm telling you right now, none of that will work. None of it. Self compassion is important. And the tool of the Enneagram allows me to stay there even in moments where the shame stick comes out or the bitch in my head sometimes wants to really harshly judge myself. Because not only do I understand the system and the framework of the Enneagram, and I teach thousands of you every single day about it, I'm able to get to self compassion. And this is where freedom is for you. Freedom is for you. Because no matter what life throws at you, even though it might hurt and it might not seem fair, and you might feel all the hard feelings associated with it, and you might. Even when we judge ourselves, sometimes the ability to pull ourselves through that, not bypass it, but really feel the feelings, have that, that loving look at ourselves and where we're at and how we got here, the stronger the ability is to live that very best life that you do desire and that you do deserve. So you know, the most important part in using this tool, I've said it a million times, is making sure you have the accurate information. Taking an online assessment, whether it's paid or not out there, unfortunately, they're inaccurate about 65 to 70% of the time. My assessment that I have available for you is over 95% accurate, and I've tested it thousands of times. And then once you do take my assessment, I give you your own customized Enneagram blueprint, which is like the handbook for all of this. And once you know how to integrate that information. So keep coming back to this podcast or do a power session with me that might help you accelerate your understanding of this information so that you can integrate it in your life and really, truly be free. Be free of all the harsh things that you've said or done to yourself along the way and wishing you so much love and transformation. If you love this episode, it'd mean the world to me if you shared it with somebody. I think this is an important topic that is really hard, is probably one of the hardest things to do. But when you get it, things really do start to click and things start to fall into place. Doesn't mean life necessarily gets easier, but what life does throw at you, you can handle it with a lot more ease. I wish you love, I wish you transformation. And we'll talk soon.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources sources on my website at tracyomalley.

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I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.