EP349: Unlocking the Dreams You Swept Under the Rug with SP Enneagram 9 Alexandria Keahi

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are. But what the hell do you do with it?

Great news.

You are in the right place. Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy and to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into it well over a decade ago. Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model, but with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hello. Welcome back to another episode of Lead with the Enneagram. These are one of my favorite kinds of episodes because I get to bring somebody very special to you. And you know, I believe that we learn best in community with other people and even hearing or listening to somebody else tell about their exploration and discovery journey in their life. That is when I have learned the most about myself. And also as somebody who facilitates a lot of community and connection and coaching and retreats and all sorts of things, there is nothing like watching the light bulbs go off for someone. And I met this beautiful girl, gosh, like a month ago at one of our in person, intimate retreats in Denver. And immediately when she walked in, I was drawn to her and I was like, oh my goodness, her energy, her heart, her willingness. I could feel her soul willing to go deep. She had no idea what was about to hit her, but I could feel her. I could feel her at such a deep level. Just like, you know, the cocoon My. My good friend Aisha has a podcast called Butterfly Season, and there's, like, I could feel Alexandria kind of poking out of the cocoon a little bit and just ready to rock. And so in the retreats, we do the accurate typing process. You know, they do my assessment, they get their blueprint, they show up. And she was one of the ones that showed up. She's like, oh, fuck, I thought I was this, but I'm an actually. I'm actually this, like. And those are my most fun moments, because I know I'm about to blow their fricking mind. Alex. Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Tell people who you are, why you went to the retreat, and what your first five minutes was like in that room.

Why did I go to the retreat?

Yeah.

Because I felt something that was pulling at me to apply for the retreat, and everything in me during that application process, I wanted to back out and say no. Like, escape from my application process multiple times. But I said, why the hell not just submit it and see where it goes?

So a lot of people, because I, you know, I've got some years on you here, but I know that, like, when we feel that rumble inside or, like, our whole body is saying, hell, yes, but our mind is saying, what the fuck are you doing? What was going on in your life where it was a full body. Yes, but your brain was trying to talk you out of it.

I was literally sitting down on the floor doing this application, and I kept thinking, why would you want to do this? What are you hoping to achieve during this? And there was just so much of a pull that was saying, you are doing this for a reason, and it's your time to do something different. And I feel that this can help. Didn't know why.

What did you feel? Because a lot of times I'll ask, when somebody kind of gets in front of me, I'm like, what's not working in your life right now, personally, professionally, or both, that you feel like a change or some new tools are necessary? Kind of. Where were you at with your life? You know, you're 34 years old. It's the sweet spot. It's like, you're still young enough to feel, like, the fun and playful innocence of the 20s, but you also are like, oh, my God, is this what my life is about? What was happening or what wasn't working in your life that you felt the call to, like, hit, apply and come and get on an airplane and come see us?

I have been within my own fitness and health journey for the past six years, and I Loved doing that. I still do at parts of my life, but I didn't see the bigger picture. I couldn't visualize beyond what I was doing right then and there. And I felt stuck at work and I felt like I had so much weight bearing down on me as the responsibility for that. My position at the bar that my parents own. And then there's the aspect of trying to have the harmony at home and being the wife and the dog mom that I am. So I felt super pulled in so many ways and I just wasn't satisfied with where I was at or who I am and, like, trying to figure out a different avenue, how I can be better, how I can do more, and how I can feel like I have more to give than this right here.

Yeah. And it's hard when we kind of like set ourselves up in our life to find all this harmony. Right. You're working for a family owned business that is super successful. You've got a husband, you know, you got all the things, and you've set yourself up to have this harmony in your life. And the next thing you know, you wake up and you feel so disharmonious in who you are. Right. Which is, I think, where you came into my world. And I remember the look on your face when you look down at your blueprint that we had printed out for you. You're like, what? So tell the people what you thought you were.

I thought I was a social four.

Right. Which is funny because fours are typically mistyped as something else. It's rare that people think they're a four and there's something else or. Yeah, it's rare that they believe they're a four and they're actually something else. It's usually the other way around. Why did you think you were a social four?

I had actually worked with an Enneagram coach and we had some sessions and she was telling me what I thought I or what she thought I had typed as. And I'm like, okay, like, I can understand that because I had other. I had taken other tests online and they were telling me I was this. And I was thinking, man, I just don't completely connect with that one. But I couldn't really fully grasp the four as well. But I was like, well, she's telling me I'm a four. I must be a four. Like, fit into this four box and just live your four life. And there was. I mean, obviously people send you memes all the time, like, oh, this is you. I'm like, it's not though. But It's a four. Like it has to be me.

So I just, I would say you definitely present. You present for like, for sure. Like, I can see that. But like that's, you know, this is why a lot of certified Enneagram coaches come work within for me. Because like with me. Because, you know, even certified Enneagram people are finding like, oh God, like, you have a lot more experience and wisdom around this. And that's the thing. Like we can present to the world something behaviorally that isn't in alignment with the motive behind everything that you do. And I think especially in getting to know you over the course of 72 hours at such an intense level. I mean, I can see the four. And we talked about the four in you. Like the tri type. You definitely have the four in you in the feeling center. But you don't lead with that in your motives and in your fears. So tell the people what you actually are.

I am a self preserved nine. Yeah.

So big difference. But not really. Like, there's a lot of similarities between the four and the nine. Like this constant like discovery. Who am I? What makes me happy? Nines kind of are searching for that too. But they'll, they'll lead with like, I just want harmony. And a lot of times that has to do with their environment rather than maybe their own internal one and fours can be a little over giving in that arena too. But what did you feel about discovering that you're actually a self preservation 9 versus the 4? Was it a good thing or were you like, shit, okay, okay.

Initially when I saw it on the, the booklet, I'm like, no fucking way. Like I. Knowing who I am, I know I'm a four. And then digging down and really understanding and really digging deep into what a self preserved nine is, I was like, holy shit. Like that. That's me. And how did I get typed so wrong? And I feel like it is absolutely who I am.

So what about the nine versus the four? Was like, oh, that's me. What was it about it?

The harmony. Like 1 million percent the harmony. And at first it didn't. It didn't process quick enough that I want harmony in my life, but really thinking about situations back in my life or present day, like if I'm in a group or company that don't particularly share the same feelings as me or ideas, or if I don't agree, I will just stay silent or I won't say anything, or I'll just kind of nod my head and say I understand. Because I do understand what they're saying, but is that how I feel? Do I really feel like what you're saying is the truth of everything? And that is where I am learning to take in the information, respect what people are saying, but also be able to share my voice and not feel like I am this little hermit crab and just being the chameleon to everybody's circle.

Right. So the self preservation part of you, like you know, in any enneagram type, whether you're nine or four and eight, like me, when you're a self preservation instinctual type, safety, security and comfort is like on high alert. Right. So fight or flight, where do you see that play out in your life? Because that's where you dominate. We use all the instincts as we talked about, but like where you go to first is how does this affect me and my safety, security and comfort? Where do you see that play out a lot in your life? Pretty much everywhere, I'm assuming.

Oh my gosh. It's, it's sad, but.

Oh my gosh.

Okay. My husband tells me all the time, like we're, we're in middle of conversations and he goes, alex, you always think about how it's gonna affect you and that's your first instinct of like, how is this going to affect me? What am I going to do about this for me? And then he's on the opposite end. And completely now I'm understanding he's all about us. How is this going to affect us? And I'm thinking, I have never been that way. I have always seen me as a, how can I fix this for me? And it has never been about somebody else.

No. And I get this a lot from people that end up being typed as a self preservation type. They judge it. They're like, that sounds so selfish. And it's not like safety, security and comfort and certainty that like that's fight or flight, that's healthy. Like we need to have that. But when it gets overly exaggerated and then the personality and the fears of the nine come into play. Yeah, it can be a little dysfunctional, but that self preservation is a really important instinct. And so if you're a self preservation type out there, please don't judge it, don't. It's important. But you have to make sure you have it regulated a little bit like realistically. So with that 9 need for harmony. And you know we talked about when you're in the instinctual center, like you and I both are, our first go to when things are happening is what is happening right now. Right. Which makes you really, really Great at conflict, sometimes dysfunctionally. Right. But you don't get rattled in it so much. Like, you're like, okay, what do I need to do to kind of alleviate this right now? But you may struggle, looking at the past kind of track record, and you may struggle a little bit with forward thinking. What has you under. What has you understanding that you go to what is happening right now. Like, you and I go to. Where have you set yourself up to, like, pause for a moment Instead of just going into. Let's settle for temporary harmony. Let me, like, look back at the track record of the situation and let me look forward to what's the consequence of me kind of sweeping shit under the rug right now.

Right now. My big one is paying for things, like, paying in the moment. As far as, like, money goes, oh, I'll go ahead and take care of this. Well, and then I'm like, I'll figure it out later. But then the future me is like, oh, my God, Alex, you're starting to get back into debt. Like, how are you going? You can't keep doing this because in the past, you just kept saying, oh, I'll cover it. Don't you worry. I'll make sure everything is okay. But then the future me is like, what the hell were you doing? Why did you decide to take on that role? To make sure everybody was okay or happy at that time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The thing that 9 struggle with the most, you guys, like, you guys are at the top of that enneagram and you have the greater perspective and wisdom that none of us have. Like, it's why you're amazing and, like, very Yoda. Like, but that what is happening right now gets you guys in a pickle every damn time. Because you will settle for short term satisfaction and harmony. And it creates bigger problems down the road. And when a nine is faced with disharmony, they kind of. Instead of the Yoda, they look more like a sloth or Eeyore. Right. So when future you catches up to what current you has said, how does that play out for you?

I get stressed if I've not followed through with something that I wanted to stay true to myself. So I'm learning, obviously, it's been a month and really trying to pay attention to the situations and actually try to see the future and not just think now, now, now. I have made a lot of decisions that are based on now, now, now. And I'm like, okay, future Alex will figure this out, but I feel like the plan will play out in itself. But as far as the Long term of things. I do believe that I am slowing down a little bit more for my own peace and my own happiness to hopefully see that the future me will be proud that they made, I made these decisions. But it's not going to put me in turmoil in the future.

Right. So you know, we talked about sometimes our core Enneagram type isn't the right tool for the job all the time. Right. And the wings come into play. So when the nine and you wants to say let's just sweep this under the rug and worry about it later or you know, you know. Because nines can live in a lot of gray area and justify why they're going to sweep it under the rug. Right. Why you're so non judgmental. You're diplomatic, you're, you're inclusive. It's beautiful. But it gets you guys like that superpower can become your kryptonite. So we talk about the wings a lot, being the true superheroes of our Enneagram type. And so how do you use the Enneagram 1 and the Enneagram 8, which are the wings of the Enneagram 9, to kind of bookend you a little bit when the nine in you wants to say, ah, we'll worry about this one later.

I feel like I really rely on my wings when I'm at the bar. I have a no wings. I have no problem with black and white at the bar. Like there are rules to be followed and I will. There are no sweeping anything under, under the rug. I'm very open about that. I'm okay with using my wings in my business life. It's my, my personal life that I allow.

My nine to truly just take over and allow other people to. I don't want to say they dictate my happiness or anything, but I allow that and my feelings to just, just subside and make sure everybody's happy.

Yeah. I think especially as a self preservation 9 and in your professional life and it being a family business, that 1 and 8 give you that harmony in knowing that you're keeping the business and your livelihood safe and secure as well as the family business. So that directness and that black and white thinking like gives you that harmony in the professional life. But then when you are kind of in your own personal life, whether it's in relationship or even the relationship with yourself, you have a hard time with more of that black and white and directness and discernment. Why do you think that is?

I would love to tell you. I really have no idea why that is so Difficult to me. I think it's. I think it's not wanting to disappoint people and me feeling like if I, I become the person that I truly am or that I finally realize who I am, that I won't be enough for somebody or I will just. I feel like disappointment is the, the main key for sure.

What did you believe or what have you believed or what do you believe is the consequence for disappointing people, especially the people that are really close to you, you know, in the family business.

Or in your marriage even, that they might leave?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's hard. It's hard.

So it's been a month. And where have you exercised more of this in your personal life?

The wings I have actually take taken a dance class for myself.

Got myself out there for the first time and I can't even tell you the last time I took a class for myself and was able to make sure I took a day off from my actual busy day at the bar to go to a prep class to do tryouts auditions for July. And I set the, got the ball, got the ball rolling as far as getting my foot in as far as becoming an audition ready person.

How was it received you doing for you? Has there been any pushback because you're typically the I'll do whatever to keep everybody happy or were people cheering you on because like you've conditioned people that you'll sweep all your crap under the rug for the greater good and harmony of everyone else. So how's it been received you with some.

I'm doing for me right now shockingly, really well.

I've gotten a lot of great feedback and people saying you should do it, you should do it, do this for you. And I'm like, where have you been? Like why?

Where have you been? In my corner, love like nines and twos. I tell you guys all the time, you have to use your words. Like you guys have instincts and intuitions that are very different than the rest of us. And I think sometimes nines and twos specifically assume we know what you're thinking and what you're feeling and what you desire and we just don't. And we want to support you, but it requires you using your voice. And for a nine, where that can be a challenge is if, if it's not received well, it's going to create conflict which worst case scenario for an enneagram 9 is conflict and disharmony. But like I told you, sometimes you got to settle for short term conflict and short term disharmony for the long Term the long game. So you're here for the long game. And it looks really, really beautiful on you, by the way.

Thank you. I love it.

So one of the other things we talked about, which is where it gets mind blowing when we do more intimate work with each other, whether it's like a one on one session with me or private coaching or retreat or group coaching, is we dive into the tri types. So for those of you listening right now that may not know what that means, you know, we have our intuition and our nervous system, right? Which is the ultimate compass. And then we have our core personality, right? Many of us default out of our intuition and our nervous system. Especially if we've been through a lot of shit, right? Like we feel it, we're like ignoring it, we're numbing it, we're like, no, I know better than my intuition. Or your conditioning in the world has you defaulting out of that. And that's where the parts of our core personality, the motive, the fear, really kick into overdrive, right? And wherever our core enneagram type, that doesn't change. It's where we go to first, it's where we default to. And it's even when we're honoring our intuition and our nervous system, the extra sparkle that comes to the table in, you know, communicating and showing up in the world gets a little extra sparkle from our core personality with the intuition and nervous system. But we do use the other centers of intelligence. So wherever your core enneagram type, so you, as, you know, as a nine and me as an eight, we fall into the instinctual or body center, which is, you know, independence, autonomy and control. What is happening now underlying emotion is anger, right? We make decisions and operate based on instinct. Instinct is way different than intuition. But we do use the other two centers of intelligence. We have a feeling and, and emotional center. And we also have a thinking and like analytical center. We do use all three of the centers of intelligence. Just wherever your core type is, is where you go first. Now sometimes we will go through the other centers of intelligence and start throwing everything up at the wall. Like if our core type isn't helping us the way that we want to and we're not using our wings properly and all the shit, like we're like, I'm in my feels, like, let's throw all the feelings up at the wall or I'm in my head, let's like depending on where you dominate in those centers, how that looks when you're in your heart or in your head, you know, for an instinctual type can look really different. It's why you can have two types right next to each other. And they show up very different. Because if they're using their feelings and they're using their forward thinking, if they dominate differently in the centers, it's going to show up differently. So when we were diving into you like, this is where your four showed up. So when you're operating in the feelings, what has happened in the past, when you're processing feelings and emotions, you dominate like a four. So even though you're motivated in fear like a nine, how you show up in the heart space or what has happened is very four. Like, which is significance on who I am in this world. Right. It's not your lead motivator. But when you're in the feels, you do look like a four. And this is also where your creativity, your playfulness, your uniqueness, like, you certainly don't present to the world like a nine. You really, really don't. But when that four comes out to play, man, is she adorable. Right? And then when you're in the thinking center and what could happen, you operate like a five. So that investigator, I need intel. Give me all the information. Now, the combination of those three is called your tri type. So you have the 945 tri type, which ironically, and this was something you and I talked about, you're going to have to be very mindful of because all three of those types are the withdrawn types.

So, yeah, and I think I told you, my romantic guy partner, like, he has the same tri type as you, even though he's a 4, he has the 4, 5, 9, tri type as well. So when you guys are dealing with things, you're gonna have to be mindful that you withdraw first and to communicate with people in your life, because I'm guaranteeing most of the people in your life aren't wired like you. How has that realization helped you understand? Not just like, like, first of all, the being withdrawn in all three centers of intelligence. How has that awareness helped you in the last month?

Would you say to be aware that I am withdrawing? If I feel like I am. I feel like if I'm stating it out loud, I'm withdrawing. I have found. Okay, Alex, this is what you're doing. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to stay in your little pity party for that amount of time? I let myself stay there for a little while because I feel like that was my only way of coping at this point in time.

But trying isn't always a bad thing. Like something like, you know, it's a good thing, especially if you're communicating and taking that solitude. Right. But usually, yeah, it's like we're doing the duck out.

Yes. I used to sleep a ton and that was my withdrawal and I felt like if I slept for hours and days that my, my life would just be better. Miraculously when I woke back up, but it didn't. And, and I know now that when I withdraw it's because I'm recharging and it's because maybe I'm not touched out, but being at the bar and being overly talkative and being engaging, I feel so drained. And I'm only there for three days a week, but I need a couple of days to just get my batteries back to feeling like I'm a normal human being. And that is how I found. Okay, that's where I need to recharge. Not sleep all day, but do something maybe in silence for myself or just for me and not worry about what people may be thinking that I'm doing.

That is the number one thing that you like because it's either you sleep and slough it out and you wake up and you don't feel energized, or you tap into those parts that honor, you know, the nine, the four, the five, like giving them that space, but not just numbing out with sleep, but getting more into the feels. And what would, would Alex want to do? Like if, if everything was available for her and she didn't have to worry about keeping the peace anywhere, what would she choose to do right now? And I think that's what I saw most in you come out to play is like you got full blown frickin permission to find that internal harmony first. And when you have that internal harmony first, all my fellow nines out there, yeah, you might have some conflict at the beginning because maybe you've been, yes, in yourself to death. Right. But you will start to attract people in your life that respect you, honor your boundaries and cheer you on. And one of the things that we did when we were together at the retreat was really cheering you on because, you know, you've been keeping the harmony for a long, long time that you had some, some goals that you wanted, but you've been kind of like playing small or not wanting to be in the spotlight necessarily, you know, as a nine, especially in a professional light, they want it, but then it's like, ooh, that might create some conflict in my life or internally, or I might be too far in the spotlight where that might rob Somebody else of it. So what was one of the things that you shared with us that was on your heart to do, but you.

Hadn'T until try out for a professional dance team.

Yeah.

Yeah. And so we were cheering you on, and I got to see your dance moves, and they were beautiful. And what did we have you committing to do here, like, in a month?

Try out for the Blazer dance team here in Portland.

How crazy is that? Yeah. So when are the tryouts?

July 9th.

July 9th. And I want everybody to go follow Alex on Instagram with your Instagram handle.

Your hype gal underscore Alex.

Seriously, we want to cheer her on. We want her to be a trailblazer. Like, seriously, you are just such light. And that's the thing I love to tell nines, specifically, that when you step into the light and honor your own voice and your thoughts and your opinions matter and your desires are important to all of us, and we can't read your mind. But when you do step into that, you make us all better for it. You really, really do. So how have you noticed that you stepping into and honoring your own harmony, how has that improved your life, even in the short time since, you know, you've had this information and integrated it?

I have felt more peace, and I have felt so happy and joyful, and I feel like I'm not harboring angst and anxiousness and nervousness. Well, I'm nervous for good things, but I'm not anxious. When I'm at the bar. I'm able to speak more freely and being able to communicate better with my family as far as my feelings go and hope that they can perceive it in a good way, in a constructive way. And I just overall feel so happy. Tracy, I.

For you, I just can't.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

So what advice would you give to any fellow nines out there that are afraid to step into the light? And also what advice would you give to those of us that love you, love nines, or lead a nine? So first, what would you tell a fellow nine?

It's okay to feel like you don't have a voice, but start listening to what you are saying to yourself and be okay with maybe rattling a few cages or mixing up the combo a little bit, because you matter and what you think matters. And it's okay to not know exactly who you are because you are aware that you are working on becoming who you are. And you're just a beautiful piece of person on this earth, and you deserve to be here. You deserve to be heard. And it may take a little bit of time, but baby steps is better than no steps.

Absolutely. And now for those of us that love or are part of leading you, what advice would you give to those of us? How, how can we be gentle with you and also push you?

I would say listen with an open heart and allow them to speak and not constantly have something to say. It's okay to not have a comeback, it's okay to not have a rebuttal, but just be there to listen genuinely and open hearted and just giving a genuine smile and saying, you know, do it, go for it. Just a gentle cheer is better. That is all I could have asked for.

I think especially like to add on to that. I love that you said that. To add on to that. Any of us that love or lead a Nine because they are so more reserved and quiet and observant that when they actually do use their voice and give their thoughts or opinions like pay attention and listen. Because if you cut them off, if you're like steamrolling over them, you're teaching them even more that their thoughts, their opinions, their feelings don't matter and you won't get the best out of them. And that sucks for it's a lose lose for everyone. So I know when I am in the presence of a nine that I really, when they use their voice, I really shut the up and I listen as much as possible because it's powerful. It's always powerful. It always is a beautiful perspective that we all can learn from. And the more that they feel confident that using their voice creates long game harmony, the more we're going to get the best out of the Enneagram Nines in the world because they are amazing. My Alex, I love you so much. Thank you for trusting me not just with your heart and your journey in private, but also sharing, you know, your heart and your discovery process with everyone that's listening. You're amazing. I love you girl.

Thank you Tracy. Love you back. Thank you.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at Tracy Malley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.