EP354: You Can Turn Anything That Does Happen into Something Magical and Meaningful

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are. But what the hell do you do with it?

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You are in the right place. Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into it well over a decade ago. Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership. Sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way, and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hello and welcome back to another episode of Lead with the Enneagram. And we are officially at the halfway point of the year, and this is always a super, super reflectful time for me for a lot of reasons. And today I want to talk to you because, you know, we're halfway through the year, like I just said, and many of you may have started the year, you know, coming out of the gate strong with big goals and big things on your heart and big plans that you've made. And maybe you hired people to help you expedite and make that possible. And here we are, halfway through the year, and maybe, just maybe, things look a little different than you anticipated. Maybe they look different than you wanted, maybe it looks even better. But maybe you're not feeling the way that you thought you would feel about something. And today I wanted to talk about kind of things that happen in your life and how you can turn them into something magical and why this time of year, specifically for me is a reflective time. I'm not a person that believes that anything and everything happens for a reason. Because I've been through some really hard, horrible shit. And it's hard to fathom that, whether it's my own self or some of the heinous shit that happens out in the world to the innocent, to the vulnerable, it's hard to make sense of everything happens for a reason. And I'm telling you right now, when you're in the middle of shit, that's the last thing you want to hear anybody say to you. And actually, sometimes it makes it worse. However, I will say this, and I do believe this with all my being, and this is the benefit of having a lot of life experience with a lot of hard crap is that anything that does happen, though, you can turn into something magical and meaningful if you choose. You know, this time of year, officially today, actually today is the anniversary 11 years ago of my dad's passing and he had a 12 day cancer diagnosis. And I was really angry about it at the time. I didn't understand how that happens, how does that get missed. But, you know, all the things, right? And it was at a really hard time of my life. And if you've been following along for any length of time, whether, you know, on social media or been listening to the podcast, that time in my life was not necessarily the best time in my life. You know, I was a few years out of a really icky divorce, a recession, bankruptcy, my own coping mechanisms, struggles, you know, with alcohol, food, codependency, anger, you name it. And this was kind of contributing to the perfect storm that would propel me to rock bottom, where I made something magical and meaningful come out of the mess and the unthinkable. And it's hard, but it was during this time in my life I was in a really unhealthy relationship as well. Not just with myself, but with other people. And sometimes it takes something very profound like a death or a diagnosis or other things that I'm going to share with you today to really test you. And I hate that too. But it's kind of where you got to put your money, where your mouth is, and it's where the rubber meets the road, right? I know if you listen to this podcast that you are somebody that is raising your hand, saying, I want to grow. I want to be the best version of myself. If that's not you, you probably won't like what I have to say. And that's okay too. You don't have to listen. Or maybe you Listen and open your mind up a little bit, because I know. And I say, like, without judgment, because I know if I heard me 12 years ago, I would have been like, go fuck yourself. Like, seriously, you don't understand my life. You don't understand how hard it's been for me. You don't understand what I've been through. But it was at this time in my life, I think this was probably the thing that was the greatest catalyst for my growth. I'm not doing the work I'm doing today without this happening. I'm not able to be the mom that I am today, you know, 11, 12 years later without this happening. And so I am proof that you can turn something terrible that happens into something meaningful. So my dad's death was really, really hard, obviously for a lot of reasons. A 12 day cancer diagnosis, not a lot of time to process it. But also a lot of my coping mechanisms and my codependency are rooted in my relationship with my father. And I love him so much, I miss him so much. And also I've done a lot of healing since he has passed. There were a lot of things about who and how I showed up in the world that came from our dysfunctional, very loving relationship, but equally very dysfunctional. I felt like my worth in this world was tied to my dad's expectations. And I know as a parent today and even back then, that all of his intent was from a loving place, although it was very dysfunctional. And this is the thing that I want you to listen to right here and right now, is we can have understanding and a cognitive level that our parents did the best they could, that it came from a loving place. And all of that was very true in my upbringing with both my parents. But we're talking about my dad right now. That being said, when we kind of cognitively understand why shitty things happen or why hard things happen, when we make sense of it in our brain and even forgive, like, that's a huge part of this. But if we don't do the healing work about what we were missing, what we lacked, what kind of things happen that should absolutely not have the innocence, the all the things, if we don't take the time to feel, to grieve, to heal, we are basically taking ourselves through the same traumatic experience over and over and over again. Even when we say, like, I understand, I do understand my parents, my dad, my mom, I do, and I have so much compassion for both of those. And the fact of the matter is, is they both failed. They failed as a parent. In a lot of ways. And I have too, as a parent. Trust me, trust me. And I'm not judging my parents, but I do. And I have responsibility to take that experience with my parents, and I love them both so much and turn their shortcomings into something magical and meaningful, just like my children are doing right. And it was that kind of rock bottom moment that made me look in the mirror also and take personal responsibility and personal accountability for how I took that dysfunctional relationship with my dad and how it had carried out in my life in major dysfunction, not just in my parenting, not just in my friendships, but also in my romantic partnerships. And it's kind of where I hit this point in my life where it's like, I gotta burn the boats. I have to take total inventory of myself and my, my part in things without the shame stick, without all the guilt and all the crap that I had been burying myself under, but also kind of where I took that and created the cycle, the generational shit, you know, in my life. And taking accountability and personal responsibility for gaining new tools. Because what was taught, told, and modeled for me, although has reaped major, major benefits and rewards in who I am as a person, my character, my values. Like, there's so much good that came from where I come from and the family and all the things, I love my family so much and equally the dysfunctional parts of my family, I. I am accountable for how I have let that carry forward, and I am accountable for gaining new tools because what was taught, told, and modeled for me, I can't create new patterns and new cycles and new traditions and patterns in my life without new tools. And it was the, the death of my father 11 years ago today, that was that catalyst. And although I have shared many things very vulnerably about my own personal life, my relationship with my dad, I know that he is looking down and super proud of this. And there are a lot of people in my life that think I am sharing too much about the dysfunction. But this is how we, we break cycles that don't serve us. It doesn't mean any of the people in my life were bad people or the intent was not pure. It was. And it still didn't work well. Right? And this is where, like, I decided to burn the boats and take inventory of who and what was in my life and, and made room for the tools, the people, the support, the mentors that would come to allow me to be that for other people today. And without that experience, I am not the mentor, the parent, the friend, the Lover, the partner that I am today. And, you know, even though I am somebody who has not only done the work, continued to do the work, because it's never finished until we're done here on earth and continue to add tools to the toolbox, it doesn't mean I'm immune. It doesn't mean I'm immune to hard things. But what it does do is build the toolbox and I build the muscle. Because information, you've heard me say this millions of times on this podcast in 353 episodes, information doesn't equal transformation. Whether it's the Enneagram, whether it's a podcast, a book, the Bible, it doesn't equal transformation. Any tool with that information, you must integrate it, you must implement it in order to equal the transformation. And you know, 11 years ago when my dad passed away, I filled the toolbox up and it was interesting. This morning, I was pulling out of Starbucks this morning and I walked by two women, two women that I could hear the conversation and I looked at the table and I could see very clearly what they were doing. And they were two women in recovery sharing the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. One was clearly the sponsor. One was clearly the sponsor. See, and that was a true test. And it's no surprise that it was today that I saw that. And a true testament that, you know, just having information doesn't mean anything. You got to have like the integration. You have to usually have a guide show you the way, right? We know the way, we go the way and we show the way, whether that's in our homes or in our businesses or in recovery, right? And, you know, for the last 11 years, I've taken every bit of information in the toolboxes that I have gained with the Enneagram with recovery, with, you know, close to a million dollars of my own kind of training and education over the last 11 years. And not only have I taken that information, integrated it in my own personal life, I've now helped pave the way for millions of other people in that. And that is a true testament to taking something terrible that has happened in my life and turning it into something meaningful and magical. Like I said a few minutes ago, just because we do that doesn't mean we're immune to hard things, because that was 11 years ago. And also this week, a few other things have kind of gone on. My uncle's birthday, who I lost four years ago. He was my person, he was my protector. His birthday is this week and gone way too soon after a six month cancer diagnosis. And a lot of hard things happened after he died. He was my protector. He was my safe place in my family. And after he passed away, some harder things happened within my family that brought more realizations to where I was headed in this journey called life. And really, really painful. Really, really hard. Like I said, cognitively and in my brain, I understood everything that was going on. I understood why people may be upset with me and have certain judgments with me and how I show up and how I do. And I can understand that all day long from the neck up, but from the neck down, it was super painful and still continues to be super painful. And I am responsible and accountable for what I do with that, that kind of pain, that information, that process. Also four years ago, something I haven't shared very publicly at all. I may have mentioned it very lightly in an episode or two, and I probably will share more about this because it was very traumatic. Also four years ago, it was literally three weeks after my uncle passed away, I was assaulted. And it involved a court case and the law. And it was very traumatic and brought to the head a lot of things for me, a lot of trauma that I had stored and suppressed and went back in with more EMDR and did that, that. And when that happened, it was absolutely terrible and heinous. And, you know, there were moments of like, why is this happening to me? Why is this happening to me? And I have obviously done a lot of work through therapy, through emdr, through a lot of things, but what it brought healing towards, like, I could very easily have gone dark on that one. It was very traumatic, like I said. And in fact, that experience, as heinous and horrible as it was, really unlocked some healing from my childhood stuff that I had suppressed. And another true testament that although it's hard to imagine why something like that would happen, and it's hard to wrap my brain around that everything happens for a reason, when not just myself, but other innocent people have that happen. But using that to not just heal parts of me that I had very little recollection or awareness of, but also that experience gave me even deeper levels of compassion and understanding for the people that I was to love and lead along the way since then. Also this week, six years ago, I had my breast implants removed after being on my deathbed for two and a half years. That also anniversary is happening this week. That was the most humbling experience of my life. Even more humbling than, you know, admitting I had have very dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. So much so that I was in rehab. There Was something so vulnerable and humbling about exposing my vanity. You know, I'm very private with my body, especially because I'm a sexual assault survivor a few times over. But there was something very vulnerable about removing those implants and being so sick and. And it's still a process four or six years later, that whole thing. But using that experience, I never wanted to talk about it publicly ever. It wasn't popular or talked about six years ago. It's become very trendy and very much talked about today, thank goodness. But back six years ago when I was faced with this, I had to go be my own best advocate and go deep diving when nobody was talking about this and then came out publicly talking about it.

Thousands of people as a result have gone on to look into it. I mean, a couple hundred down in Tucson have gone to my doctor at this point to do that. And I have been on my own healing journey with the dysfunctional relationship I had with my body since I was about four or five years old and have had disordered eating patterns my entire life. That experience allowed me to heal at a very different level and come to terms with it not just in my body image, but my sexuality and how I show up in relationships. Another true testament that you can take something absolutely terrible and unthinkable in your life and turn it into something meaningful and magical. Not just for paying it forward and for leading the way for other people, but first for your own healing. And you know, I couldn't have done all of that honestly without some of the tools in my life. The Enneagram and my faith being the top two. And my recovery. Those three tools in my toolbox, my faith, the Enneagram and my recovery tools have helped me get through, especially the last four years when I got kind of imploded or not imploded, assaulted, with all the things that happened, like literally in a four month span, my uncle died, the assault, some other things in my family happened, and then my aunt suddenly passed away with no warning. All in a four month span. And without those tools in the toolbox and the mentors and things and therapists that had come before in my life to kind of show me how to integrate a lot of these tools in my life. I am not who I am today. I'm not in the relationship I am in today in a healthy way. I'm not the parent that I am today. I can't be the mentor that I am for you today without implementing and integrating these tools in my life. And I always take this time of year to be very reflective. I'm fresh off the heels of a week in San Diego, which I always go at the halfway point in the year to kind of, you know, reflect and celebrate how far I have come personally and professionally, to pay tribute to the hard things that most would have maybe let take them out and instead have turned them into something beautiful, meaningful and magical. And I wanted to offer hope for you today. I wanted to offer you an opportunity to be guided by somebody who has walked this journey. I have experienced so much in 51 years of life. I have pretty much experienced everything you can go through, minus the loss of a child, deaths, divorce, my own death, my own recovery, my own kind of traumas, like, you know, financial ruin, all the things. And there's something to be said for somebody who can fully understand the depths of your pain and have not only the wisdom of the tools, but be very specialized in showing you how to integrate that. And so if you are somebody who has been through a lot of hard shit and you can't quite get over the hump of making it into something meaningful and magical in your life, or you believe it's holding you back, or it's keeping you stuck under a pit and pile and the wreckage of shame and guilt and trauma and pain and you can't quite bust past it, I offer you the opportunity to come spend some time with me. I don't have many spots. You can start with a 90 minute session. We also type you properly on the enneagram and even if you've already done my blueprint, you can spend 90 minutes with me and we will kind of triage where you are at in your life and set a game plan for how to start moving the piles off of you so that you can turn all the things that have gone on in your life into something magical and meaningful. If you know you are under a. A huge heap, a huge heap. 90 minutes may not do it. We can do a lot in 90 minutes. Let me tell you. I've had many, many people tell me it's like 10 years of therapy in 90 minutes, but very effective, very effective. And it doesn't replace therapy. I'm a big believer in therapy, but I also recognize it doesn't move as fast as maybe you need it to in your life, especially if you're in crisis. And that's where my three month VIP one on one coaching and mentorship comes into play. We tackle all things personal and professional. I'm a hell of a strategist. I help you use all the tools that I Use not just healing and personally, but also professionally. You're a holistic being. We take the holistic approach to your life. And so all those things are available to you@traceyomalley.com, the work with me section. And we are at the halfway point of the year. 2023 is moving very, very fast. I cannot believe it is July 6th and that. It's unreal. It's unreal. The older you get, the faster it goes. And it's interesting. My kids are in their mid-20s now and they too, they're like, oh my gosh, this is crazy. I'm like, get used to it, buckle up. The older you get, the faster it goes. And I know if you're listening right now, you might feel like you're running out of time. First of all, it's never too late, but in order to do all the things you want to do, you got to get started now. And it's never too late. But it's also like, TikTok, TikTok, let's get started on clearing the wreckage so that you can do everything that you desire, so you can do everything that you deserve in your life and so that you can absolutely be make anything that has happened in your life and make it mean something and make it matter for something and use that to grow, to be, to break cycles, to heal all the things. And as always, I'm honored to be with you on this journey. I take this responsibility that I have been given. I know that even though I don't believe everything happens for a reason, I do believe that I've been divinely called to use what has happened to help you, to help you move through the messes, the unthinkable, and to help it matter for something for you, for your family, for your lineage, for your business, for whatever you have been called to do here in this lifetime. I'm so grateful that you take the time. I know you have lots of different options out there in the world to listen to, to be mentored by, to be guided by. And I never take that responsibility lightly. I take that very seriously. That you take the time to listen to me and that you value the wisdom that I bring to the table. If you are so called to do so, fill out an application today for the private one on one coaching. Or, you know, you can just book a 90 minute session immediately with me. If you know somebody that maybe could benefit from my guidance, my mentorship, or even this podcast, please share it with them. I'm wishing you so much love and transformation and that the rest of 2023, you really, really peel back the layers and the curtains and not just continue to play small in your personal growth journey. There's a lot of bullshit out there. There is so much fucking fluff and coaching and mentorship that's so out of integrity that my my hopes for you, even if it isn't with me, that you have the discernment and you are able to trust your own intuition, your own nervous system to be guided by those that really have your best interest at heart and actually can hold that space and know the way, go the way and show the way for you so that you can step into the leader you were always designed to be. I'm wishing you so much love and transformation. We'll see you in a few days.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources sources on my website@tracyomalley.com. i'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.