EP355: Don’t Shut the Door on the Past—Most of Your Answers to Transform Your Life Are Right There

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are. But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place. Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into it well over a decade ago. Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model, but with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hey. Hey. Welcome back to another episode of Lead with the Enneagram. I'm your host, Tracy Omalley, and there's been a common theme the last few weeks, and I think it has a lot to do with it's the halfway through the year, maybe you're not where you want to be personally or professionally. I think that we are living in times where, you know, whether we're being marketed to or the TV shows that are out there or just living life right now, I think there's so many things happening that are bringing into your awareness that there's a problem or that there's a reoccurring thing that happens. Even though you might know better up in your head, you're not making the shifts or the changes that you want. And then there's shame and regret and fear and anxiety and unworthiness and all sorts of things that start to pile up that really make this process so much more frustrating, so much harder. And I'M coming off the heels of a vulnerability hangover, quite honestly, because I recorded a podcast episode. I was interviewed on a friend of mine podcast. I was the very first episode on their podcast. But the reason why it was so vulnerable wasn't because I went first, but it was because it was three men that knew me back when, right? Many of you have been listening. Many of you never knew me until I came onto the online space about a decade ago. None of you knew me before I became the Enneagram girl in your life or through, you know, social media or anything like that. Most of you listening right now did not know me before I really started to dive deeper into the work. And I've been at my work, my inner work, since I was 28 years old. So that's like 23 years ago. But the real hardcore, like, no bullshit, not taking my foot off the gas, happened 12 years ago. And this interview was so beautiful and so powerful, and it was long. And we talked about the parts of my life that, yeah, I've talked about here. But the questions were coming from some. Some people that knew me and didn't know what was happening, or they had an idea, but they didn't know to the extent. And, you know, it's one of those things, you see the glory, but you don't know the story. And so often I think this is where we get wrapped up in our own bullshit. And the questions that they asked were so beautiful. If you want me to share it, the podcast is called People do that Podcast, Just Real. It's about cool people doing cool shit in the world. And I was so honored that they thought, you know, I was worthy of that, especially as the first episode. But, you know, they knew me when things were very different in my life. And although on the outside to all of them, things looked like I was fine, you know, and they even alluded to, like, I was fun Tracy and party girl Tracy and cool mom Tracy. And then all of a sudden, I went off the grid and nobody knew what happened. And then I came back and I was different. And I think one of them even said, tracy's a little weird, right? You know, when we start to do things and step into our growth, that changed the rules on how you kind of operated in the playgrounds. Used to play with. People don't always like it, right? And these. None of these guys judged me for it, but they're just like, what's going on over there? And so they get. Then they got curious, and then, you know, they knew some shifts happened, but the reason I'm sharing that with you and that I'm coming off the vulnerability hangovers because it was really vulnerable. We talked about, like, rock bottom, and not just in a storytelling way. We dove a little deeper into what was behind rock bottom. And it was more than just I had a problem with my drinking, and it was way more than I was sick for a little bit, and it was way more than I'm the single mom that went to rehab, right? And I'm way more than just I'm this Enneagram girl. And they asked some really great questions because as I talked about, you know, some of the things that, you know, I had done, some of the things that I experienced, some of the things that were unfairly done, taught, told, modeled to. And in front of me, one of the questions was asked, like, are you mad? Are you mad at your parents? Are you mad at, you know, all these things? And the answer today is no. You know, I take full responsibility of keeping my side of the street clean. And although there were some things that were unfair and there are some things that I was neglected with that really would have made my life a little bit easier, I don't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. And that is one of the promises of recovery that I learned early on. Because usually when we are in the recovery process of anything, you don't have to have a drinking problem or an eating disorder or a sex addiction addiction or any other kind of those typical addictions that you see 12 step programs for. I think we're all in the process of recovery from something, right? And one of the promises that I heard and saw in my first few days in rehab, they still make me cry when I read them, because I remember so clearly sitting there in my pit of shame, looking at the pile of wreckage that I have left in my wake, you know, almost got 11 and a half years ago, and on this big wall right in front of me where the promises of recovery, and there are a few of them that make me cry, but this is one of them. It's. I do not wish to regret the past nor shut the door on it. And the common theme with a lot of people that I've been working with, professionally, personally, you know, because we. We take the holistic approach when you work with me, because it's all connected, right? A lot of you are just doing business strategy and going after the coaches that can give you an ROI in your business. But if you're not taking a holistic approach to who you are and how you operate and why you do what you do. Seriously, you're just throwing money away. And so we do take the holistic approach in my coaching, you know, whether you come to me for personal stuff, whether you come to me for professional stuff, we cover all stuff. And the common theme, you know, as we dig into things, because here's the thing, like I said, the world, world, the way you're being marketed to social media, manipulative marketing, fantasy land marketing, all the shit, they know how to trigger your pain points. They know how to put into your awareness there's a fucking problem and they have the quick fix to give you a solution, right? And that's the problem with, you know, this microwave society, the Amazon prime life, you know, and I love all those things, don't get me wrong. But when it comes to bringing into awareness and taking action that actually is sustainable and for the long game, there's this messy part in the middle that nobody wants to fucking talk about and nobody wants to work with because it's unpredictable. There's no guarantee how long it may take, but it doesn't have to take very long, Especially when you're working with somebody who knows what the fuck they're doing right, and has done their own work, right? And I've talked about this before, like so many of us, myself included, are aware there's a problem. Boom. Give me the action that makes this go away. Give me the action that makes my pain go away. Give me the action that makes me more money. Give me the action that makes me fall back in love with my spouse or my partner. Give me the answer that makes me be able to be this amazing business person and also an incredible mom without sacrificing all of it. Give me the answer. Give me the action. And the problem is, is I can give you the action all day long. And I know it. I'm a hell of a strategist, trust me. But if we don't acknowledge kind of how you got here, then we're just kicking the can down the street. And, you know, as people that have worked with me, whether it's for 90 minutes or three months or a year, we do dabble in this acknowledgment part quite a bit. And it's where the reason why a lot of you don't want to go there and why a lot of coaches don't want to take you there, even though it's definitely the sustainable way, A, they want to keep you on their books forever. Codependency, by the way, or they haven't done their own stuff, so they don't want to go down the weeds with you. But the reason why it's so important is like, you got to understand how you got here. And this is that part about you won't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Yeah, there's some parts about my story and things that I've done or tolerated that I'm not real proud of. I'm not. They're not shining moments in my 51 and a half years in life. They're not. However, each of those things, each of the people that I've been with, each of the actions I've taken, each of the shitty things I've said or done to or in front of my children or to myself, for crying out loud, each of those things. And having compassion as I acknowledge those parts of my life allows me to take the effective action that creates long game change. That allows me to. Even when people do some really shitty things and do me dirty, that it doesn't faze me. It still hurts and I still have to go through my process, but it doesn't faze me or derail what I'm doing here on Earth. It doesn't blow up my relationships or my business. It doesn't have me acting out in ways that are sabotage for the very things that I say I want, right? And so we have to take a look at the past. We have to. But we can take a compassionate look at it, and we can take a compassionate look for yourself, because I'm sure there's a lot of things in your past, especially if you have as many decades on Earth as I do, there's quite the list, there's quite the list of shit that aren't my favorite things, but each of them were necessary. And when we can take a compassionate look, you know, because if you think about it, especially if you go way back, which I take you, right, we have to kind of understand where we started, a certain thought process and a belief system that have us taking the actions that keep us stuck, shamed, sick even, right? So we have to go way back. And if you go way, way back, there's a little girl or a little boy inside of you that believed something about what was happening or believed they needed to do something to be worthy of love or believe they needed to do or believe something in order to have control or that you needed to do or believe or think something that gave you certainty. And if you looked at a picture of yourself at that age, I'm certain you Wouldn't want to shut the door on that little one inside of you. Yeah. So as I was being interviewed and we were going way back into my childhood, and, you know, it was hard. It was really, really hard. And based on what was taught, told, modeled, and what I believed I needed to do, to have control, to have significance, to be worthy, to have safety and security and certainty, although it provided me safety and security and all of the things early on in my life, those are the very things that were keeping me stuck and sick and full of shame, right? And as I acknowledge who I was, that little girl, whether it was 4, 8, 10, 13, 17, 19, 24, 51, doesn't matter, right? When we can not shut the door on the past, it doesn't mean we live there. It doesn't mean we go down the rabbit hole to beat ourselves up and pull out the shame stick. But we have to have to take a look at it. And the more that we can do that with love and kindness and compassion and empathy and grace, the faster you can accelerate your transformation in your life. And it's why I love the Enneagram, and it's why I use the Enneagram so much, because it allows us to understand it at a motivational level, why we do what we do, right? And when we can pull pieces of that out and understand that the core motive and the core fear based on your Enneagram type, really allows you to pinpoint kind of why this went on, whether it was your doing or why. You build a belief around what somebody was doing to you, saying to you, teaching you, modeling for you. This moves the needle much faster, and it gives you language that isn't so incriminating. That is what I love about the Enneagram, whether it's looking at the past and finding compassion for yourself, or if you're holding on to resentment towards someone else also in your life, whether it was a parent, a sibling, ex, partner, a friend, a teacher, a perpetrator, whatever that looks like for you, if you're holding on to resentment, it's only hurting you, right? It doesn't mean we forget about it and sweep it under the rug and act like it didn't happen. Absolutely not. But when we use this framework of the Enneagram, it allows us to get to the place of compassion where we can heal, where we can have a deeper understanding of whether it was something that happened to you, around you, in front of you, you're doing. Right. It allows you to move past the shame, the resentment a lot faster. And when we can do that. We can take the action that actually will serve you, is sustainable, feels really fucking good, and creates the life that you desire, that you deserve. It also allows you to have and call in the relationships that you want that actually can hold space for you, that can support you in your journey. And here's the other part. It can also help you let go of the ones that no longer are part of the story. And this is where it gets really, really hard. Because as we. A lot of times, we want to shut the door on the past, because maybe we have people in our life that it's time for them to go. And it doesn't mean they have to be bad or there doesn't. You know, I used to believe that the only way that people could be exited out of my life as if something bad happened. So that created me blowing up my life a lot because I was too afraid. And I'm not afraid of much, but, like, you know, I was too afraid to say what I believed I deserved, because part of me didn't believe I deserved it. Part of me believed that I just needed to be, you know, so strong. And I need to make this work, because I'm built to be strong, right? As an Enneagram aide, that's the motive in everything that I do to have control. It's to be strong. And there were a lot of times I knew relationships weren't good for me. I did. But that. That strong will to prove to myself and to the world and to this relationship whether it was good for me or not, I stayed in things too long. And instead of, you know, honoring myself and having compassionate, vulnerable conversations, I would just blow up my life and blow up the relationship. And that left trails of wreck, wreckage, right? And so when we're taking that inventory about who's in our life as well, using the Enneagram can allow us to do that. But we have to acknowledge and not shut the door in the past or regret any of it. But it's. This is the part about keeping our side of the street clean and constantly looking at it, it's not easy. It's not easy, and it is disruptive sometimes. But when we can look at all the parts of who you are with compassion, with empathy, with love, with honor, you have to be able to accept the full scope of who you are. The pretty parts and the not so pretty parts. But we can look at the not so pretty parts with compassion. We are like every Enneagram type. The thing that's your superpower is also the thing that fucks up your life sometimes. And you have to be able to have an endearing little place in your heart for all of it. And that's why you can't shut the door on the past. And it allows you to connect the dots and make sense of all of this, not just from the neck up, but also from the neck down. And it's from the neck down that we find the love in our hearts for that little girl, the little boy inside of us that believed something about what we needed to be in this world to be worthy of that love. Significance, certainty, control, and all the things. And it's that thing that's holding you back. So if there's parts of your story that. That you wish to shut the door on, I will encourage you to not. It doesn't mean that we go there to stay stuck there. It doesn't mean we hold people in their stories to keep them stuck with our resentment either. Right? But we have to kind of take a look over our shoulder to see where we've been so that we can make sense of it with love and compassion and honor, so that we can move forward a little differently, with respect, with appreciation for where we've been. My son listened to that podcast episode on that People do that podcast twice. First time, it was very emotional and vulnerable for him, too, because I share parts of his life and I have raised my kids, especially the last 11 years, to not regret the past, not live in shame or shut the door on it, because there's something to be learned and there's something endearing. And even the ugly parts of our past that not only can help us grow, but we can pay forward our experience. The other part, one of the other promises in recovery is no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. And that is a true testament to what I get to do every day with people like you and companies like Amazon and Google and John Deere. Like, if I seriously looked at how far down the scale I had gone and regretted the past and shut the door on it, I would not be using my experience to help millions of people all across the globe today. And I am no different than you. I am no different than you. But sometimes we can get stuck in our own stuff. So having a guide, especially one that believes in this like I do, and has the right tools that and the right framework and can give language to it so that, you know, after our time together, you have the tools. You aren't meant to be with me forever. I'm here for a part of your journey and to give you the tools and teach you what compassion and honor look like so that you can move forward in your life in your, your home team and your professional team. Right? If this is something you want to dive into deeper, because maybe your way hasn't been helping, or maybe, you know, you've hired coaches or even therapists. I love therapists. I have a great therapist. But sometimes she can't share things about her story that I really want to know so that I can fully trust her, that she can hold space for mine. I mean, I'm just being honest, right? And if this is something you want to dive in deeper, having the right person to guide you is really, really important and somebody that can move the needle really fucking fast for you, especially if you're in crisis. All this information is@traceyomalley.com the work with me section. You can spend 90 minutes where you can spend three full months with me. That's like the master's program, but you have access to me every single day. But sometimes just sifting through the wreckage in 90 minutes and getting properly enneagram typed will give you the right language, the right framework, and sometimes we can make a lot of. A lot of headway in 90 minutes. I've heard a lot of times it's like 10 years of therapy in that little session. And I don't make that claim. It's what I've heard several times over. But if you've been somebody who's been in a lot of therapy and you don't feel like the needle's moving, maybe this will help. And if you're not sure, you can fill out the application. It is an investment, obviously. I've dedicated my life to mastering my craft to be able to help you. I've done it in my own life and continue to, because what we have is a daily reprieve that is contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. So I am in my own work and take that responsibility very seriously every day so that I can show up and help you do that. Yours. I'm sending you so much love and compassion on this transformational journey that is life. I know that you want to accelerate it. You have big things to do here in this lifetime. Let me help you get there a little bit faster. Go to Tracy O' Malley.com the Work with Me section. If you have a friend or somebody in your life that you know needs this message, please share this podcast and if I have done anything in your life, if you haven't already. It would mean the world to me if you subscribe, you liked, you left a review, even written words on any of the platforms. That's how we get more people to learn about the beautiful work we're doing here on this podcast. Lead with the Enneagram as always, I'm so grateful for you that you choose to spend the one thing you can never get back and that's your time. I do not take that responsibility lightly, sending you so much love and transformation and I will talk to you again soon.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the Lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.