EP356: Using Your Stress Number on the Enneagram to Help Eliminate Shame and Self-Sabotage

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you you need to know all about it. So here you are. But what the hell do you do with it?

Great news.

You are in the right place. Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy and to be honest with you, I was a skeptic of the Enneagram before I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into it well over a decade ago. Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model, but with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Welcome back to another episode of Lead with the Enneagram. I'm your host, Tracy o'. Malley. Chances are, if you are listening to this podcast, you have been intrigued by the Enneagram. You're been. You've been introduced to the Enneagram. You're obsessed with the Enneagram. You have heard about the power and the beauty in the Enneagram, but you might not be sure exactly how to use it. I wanted to share with you before I get started with today's episode about using some of the framework within the Enneagram to help eliminate shame and self sabotage. I first wanted to talk to you about a beautiful thing I've been working on and I'm bringing to you in just two weeks, I have been working hard behind the scenes on figuring out a way to most effectively help you integrate this in your life. And one of my favorite ways to teach about the Enneagram is within groups. But if you're not part of A big team or an organization, you don't necessarily get to benefit from that. And also it might be a little bit out of your budget to bring me in to your team and organization. So one of the things that I wanted to do and it's my favorite way to teach, honestly, I love feeding off all the different kinds, kinds of energies. And I think we learn more about the other types by seeing a live, in person version of that. And so I have put together Enneagram workshops in a group fashion. So once a month, at least that's the plan for now, I'm going to offer workshops where we will dive into what the Enneagram is, why you need to have it. We will dive into all nine types. We will talk about the instincts and the subtypes. We will talk in depth about the centers of intelligence, the wings, the growth numbers, the stress numbers and the try type. So all those things will be available in the group workshop form. Now, if you haven't gotten my blueprint, there is a special beautiful deal that you get when you sign up for the workshop and get the blueprint at the same time. But if you've already gotten your blueprint, then even more benefit comes to you because you're already kind of on the path. You're not just learning this information for the first time. If you haven't gotten your blueprint, no worries. You don't need to to particip participate in the workshop. However, if you want very specific to you, which is almost as close as you get to one on one coaching, it definitely benefits you to get my blueprint. If you've taken an online assessment, that doesn't really count because Those are inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time. But you absolutely can be a fly on the wall if you're curious. You just want to learn about the types, you want to learn about all the different framework connected to that to get more information on that. It is a beautiful, beautiful opportunity and it is ridiculously a low cost in order to participate in a three hour workshop. It is on August 14th, 7pm Eastern Time. I highly recommend you be on live. You will have the recording available for a very short period of time to listen in. But yeah, I'm very excited about it. We'll be doing many, many more. And you can do them more than once. Absolutely. You'll learn something new every time. I have people, I mean even coming back to this podcast, you'll learn something new every time. My private coaching clients, they learn something new every time. So the more that you can you know, excavate and dive a little bit deeper. This is some of the work I'm most excited about and most proud of. And when that happens for me, an enneagram 8amanifesting Jenner 5:1 profile. Let me tell you, magic freaking happens. And I do my best work in these situations. So this is now the time for you to dive in with the Enneagram. Go to Tracey O' Malley.com workshop to get information on that. Now, today I wanted to talk about how we use part of the framework in order to help eliminate self sabotage and help eliminate the shame spirals. Right. I think so often we find ourselves there and then it's like we're throwing all this shit up at the wall, hoping something sticks. Now, this is also why it's really important that if you're using the beautiful, powerful tool of the Enneagram, you have the right. And why my blueprints are so powerful and accurate. They're accurate over 95% of the time. All your online assessments, not so much. They're inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time. So when using the framework, it's like a GPS system. If you have the wrong information, you're going to be going in the wrong direction. So I will just say that now, within each Enneagram type, we have a bunch of numbers that are connected to us. We have the wings, which I'll save that for another episode. I've done episodes on it before because today is all about the stress number or disintegration number. And for each Enneagram type, there is a number that we are connected to when kind of hell's breaking loose a little bit. But we can use this number in a beautiful, beautiful way. And this is where the flex comes in, integration. Because the more that you understand information doesn't equal transformation. It's kind of adding the resistance and lifting the weights of the understanding of the Enneagram that you're able to use that stressor number, not just as like, oh my God, everything's falling apart. I'm beating myself up. I'm, you know, acting out in ways that are so out of character and then feel like a piece of shit afterwards. This is when understanding and doing your work. Specific for your Enneagram type. This is where you can flip the script and use that stressor number. It can be one of the most powerful parts of your framework because you can flip the script and use that type to help pull you out of self sabotage, shame, isolation, depression, sadness, anger. All the things that really, after the Dust settles. That you look back at yourself and you're like, God dang it, that sucks. That sucks. So for each Enneagram type, we have a stressor number. And I'm going to let you know what they are really quick and kind of what that means for you. For an Enneagram, 1, your stress number is the Enneagram. 4. For the Enneagram 2, your stress number is the EnnEagram. 8. For the 3, it is 9. For the 4, it is 2. For 5, it is 7. For 6, it is 3. For 7, it is 1. For 8, it is 5. For the 9, it is 6. So if you know your Enneagram type or if you've done my blueprint, you know you have the accurate information, there's your reference point. Now, how do we use that number? Because so often, often when we're first kind of using this self awareness tool and the power and beauty of the Enneagram, it can feel really messy. And like we're fumbling and we're all over the place, and it's like, shit, when all hell's breaking loose, we don't stop and think like, okay, what are my wings and what are my gross numbers? Stress number. That's why, like, information doesn't equal transformation. The integration of it is. And how do we integrate it by practicing. And how do we practice it by being messy. Right. And just like, pausing for a moment. So in the past, I'll use myself as an example. My stressor number is the enneagram 5. So when the not so pretty parts of our Enneagram type kind of show up, right? And for each Enneagram type, it's different. I'll do a whole episode on just like the not so pretty parts of our Enneagram type. Not as permission to stay stuck. Not for permission to beat ourselves up, make excuses, go into a shame spiral. But this is to be used as a compass when we start to see these, it's like the warning lights going on in the car, right? And in the past, when we were kind of in that. When that stress became too high, so many of us have used the behaviors and coping skills of our stress number to stay stuck even more, or all those other things I said. So as an enneagram 8, some of the not so pretty parts of my personality when I'm under stress are domineering, controlling, aggressive, explosive anger, just to name a few. Right? But when things are extreme or I feel like I'm about to be betrayed or violated or put in an extra vulnerable situation or I'm feeling weak somewhere in my life. Instead of those aggressive kind of things that are so outward, the behaviors, even the memes and the stereotypes of your enneagram type, or my enneagram type specifically, I start to look like an unhealthy five sometimes. And that means kind of going inward, being very introverted, being evasive, hoarding my energy, hoarding my wisdom, hoarding anything that I feel that if it's exposed, can be used to betray, violate me, or put me in a vulnerable situation. And there have been times in the past, long past, that I would be in this five cave, as I like to call it, for months on end. And I'm telling you right now, like isolation, there's a big difference between isolation and solitude. And when I was in isolation, nothing good happens there. I built a case sometimes against myself, sometimes against people like you, sometimes against the world, sometimes against why I am a piece of shit, right? And when we kind of stay in that cycle, it's only going to get worse and darker and deeper and harder to get out of the hole, right? Me understanding the framework now, and I've seen where this happens to me in real life, that when I feel that introverted kind of going inward, you know, going to the five cave. Now when I'm in that five cave, instead of using the dysfunctional parts of the five as a coping skill and as like my walls of protection around me, I now use that five to help, usually partnered with my wings to kind of help pull me out of it. You know that every enneagram type is here to teach us something. And even though I'm never going to be motivated like my stressor number, I can use the gifts of it when I know how to easily find it accessible to me and use the gifts of my stressor number to pull out of it and to not be so reactionary or to self sabotage or to go into a shame spiral. So how that looks for me as an eight is when I feel myself kind of going inward, I gather intel in a positive way. I lean into, okay, let's look and see who I have in my life that absolutely I can be vulnerable with and they're safe for me. Now you might be in a place in your life where you don't have that, and there was a long, long time I didn't either. But that's where you can start to take an inventory, realize, like there are some people maybe in your life that you need to not have or like, you need to make room for that kind of support. So When I'm in that five cave, instead of leaning out, I use that five cave to gather my resources and gather my information and lean in. Because a five, when they're at their best, not only do they have all the intelligence and resources and energy, they actually are okay out in the world using it. And so that's how I can use my stressor number for good today. Now, how can an Enneagram one use it? Well, that four is when an enneagram one is using it in a not so healthy way, they can be dramatic, self absorbed, all the things. Now they can use it to be in touch with their emotions and to feel and not be so black and white. For an Enneagram 2, they sometimes use the unhealthy traits of the 8, become defensive, explosive, even mean. Right? And that's not a 2's nature. Now they can use that 8 to build stronger boundaries, to be more direct with their words. For a three, instead of the wheels flying off. And now they're in the nine, which is like the unhealthy nine is like a sloth. Three is the opposite of that. But when a three kind of pushes themselves or they're feeling, you know, that they're less than and they're not significant, they can look like an unhealthy nine. And then that's usually where burnout happens. Whereas a three can use that healthy nine to see the bigger picture and to maybe not be so aggressive. Right. I know all my threes are rolling their eyes right now, but it's way better than burnout, I would say, for the four, when they're feeling like there's something missing in them, sometimes they'll bring in other people, right? And that's where they can look like an unhealthy codependent 2. Right. But they can use that too to have compassion for themselves. Right? Especially when they're in a depressive state or beating themselves up or think that they're just a piece of crap because they're. Because force can go pretty dark sometimes. But they can use that healthy, that stressor number two for a way to turn it around and find compassion for themselves. For the five, when they're gathering intel, Gathering intel, sometimes that becomes so overwhelming or they feel like they're going to be depleted or intruded on. Sometimes they're gathering those resources almost like a hoarder. And when you have a hoarding situation, whether it's in your environment or in your brain, anxiety and overwhelm take over. And that's where they can look like an unhealthy 7. Not a good situation for a 5. But a 5 can flip that 7 and use it into what's the best that could happen. More light hearted, more free spirited, not taking things so seriously, and maybe like laughing a little bit at themselves. Right. For an Enneagram 6, their stressor number is an Enneagram 3. And when I see a 6 under stress or they feel like they're not prepared, they go into doer mode and performance mode almost as a way to protect themselves from the fear and the anxiety that's happening and it actually ends up creating more. So how can a six use that three? Instead of perpetuating more fear and anxiety, they can use it in a way to be more streamlined. See a goal, hit a goal instead of feeling all over the place inside and then performing based on that. For an enneagram 7, right when they are chasing shiny objects and dreaming really big and they're trying to communicate with the world or they feel like the world is trying to box them in, what an enneagram 7 does is start to look like a rigid, frustrated, critical enneagram1, which is the opposite of who they are. And, you know, raising an enneagram 7, I can tell when she's in this now and learning how to flip the script on that. Yeah, you're frustrated. Yeah, all those things. And recognizing when you're in there, an enneagram 7 can use the one to add a little structure. Right. They can do that in their growth number too. But they can really have some high standards, some black and white thinking, which I know for Enneagram Sevens, they don't necessarily love that. But when they're in panic and fear and anxiety and anger, this is actually the thing that can help them. And it's a short period of time for an Enneagram 8. Like I said, I kind of explained what the 5 can do for the Enneagram 8 and finally for the Enneagram 9. When they're under stress and they have swept a lot under the rug for the sake of having harmony and peace in their environment and within. When you shove enough down and sweep it under the rug, eventually you're going to trip over it. And when an enneagram9 does that, they start to feel the fear and anxiety and worry that an Enneagram 6 has. And so does A. How does an Enneagram 9 use that 6 and flip the script on that and use it in a way that serves them. This is when we pause, we pause and like, let's Reverse engineer some things where do we need to kind of go back and use our voice even though, you know, like, yes, it might have temporary conflict, but how can I use this to eliminate some of this overwhelm or let's say you haven't been truthful with your opinions and now you feel like you can't. You don't even know what you've told people and everything. For an Enneagram 9, using the 6 to kind of reverse engineer and really get clear on their thoughts and their opinions. Because truly, for an enneagram 9, sometimes they shove it down and they don't even know what they they feel or believe because they're operating for that. That motive, operating in that motive of having harmony and peace within. So you can see like this isn't just like all hell's breaking loose and we're to use this number for all its dysfunctional ways. Like, the whole purpose of the Enneagram is to not only allow you to see yourself in the lens in which you see the world and the other eight Enneagram types and how their perspective and views on the world can also serve you and offer more understanding and seeing where other people bring value and capacity and perspective to yourself, but understanding that within those Enneagram types and knowing that our stressor number is part of them. Yes, it's important to understand where and what that looks like when you're under it, to kind of use it as a compass, but then using the power and the flex of the Enneagram to help pull you out. I know that when I am in my stressor number, before I really understood how to leverage my stress number, there was a lot of shame and self sabotage that came into that. Because if you think about your stress number that I just talked about, that's usually where we go, not into our gifts, not even a little bit. And so you're going to sabotage or quit before the miracle happens, or rob yourself of the abundance that not only you desire, but you deserve in your life. So understanding the full framework of your Enneagram type is something that really, really can help you personally in relationships as a parent, as a partner, as a friend, and also professionally as an entrepreneur, as an employee, as an employer, as a CEO, whatever that looks like for you. Understanding this framework can help you actually leverage your gifts and understand when you're under stress, how to elegantly pull yourself out of it with a lot less damage and wreckage left behind. I know when I have been teaching this, you know, hardcore now for six plus years now, the first five or so I was keeping this beautiful tool of secret, but for the last six that I've been actually teaching it and helping others integrate it. This is some of the most powerful information and where if you struggle with beating yourself up or being hard on yourself, this is part of the framework that is going to be really important for you to understand. So if you haven't already, go get your blueprint@traceyomalley.com or if you're interested in coming to the workshop and learning in a group format, a three hour total value driven workshop August 14th at 7pm Eastern go to Tracyomalley.com.

Workshop. You can sign up for the workshop and also get a special pricing on your blueprint today. So go get that right now. As always, I love bringing more information and integration tools of the Enneagram to you, to your families, to your businesses, to your hearts. I'm wishing you so much love and transformation in your life. If you loved this episode, please share it with somebody. Or if you have some friends that you know want to be part of the workshop, you could even treat it as like a girls night or a guy's night within the group workshop. So please come do that. I'm so grateful for you and I will see you soon.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at traceyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website@tracy o'malley.com I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.