EP404: Uncovering and Honoring the Free Spirit with Merilou DeLosSantos (SP Enneagram 7)

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you.

You need to know all about it.

So here you are.

But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place.

Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I.

Was a skeptic of the Enneagram before.

I started to actually integrate it into my life. In fact, in true enneagram 8 style, I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into.

It well over a decade ago.

Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, and as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hello. Welcome back. We are doing one of your favorite episodes. We've got the Enneagram hotline and I have a spicy little beautiful woman on the line today and she is representing one of my favorite Enneagram types and the one that one of the types that I see the most that they're super passionate, multi passionate. But also it can get a little murky and messy sometimes and when that happens, they don't always know what to do and what's truly discernment and alignment versus am I just chasing shiny objects and disassociating myself? It's very common for the enneagram 7 to feel like multiple personalities and she is also a Gemini. So there. There goes that too on top of it. But we have Marilu de los Santos from New York here in the house. She is a self preservation enneagram 7 with the 7 to 8 tri type, which she probably doesn't even know what that is. And that tri type is Very special to me. I have many close friends that have that same tri type, which means you are the free spirit. You know, you're the enthusiastic visionary as the enneagram7. But with this tri type, it takes on a whole new kind of way of emotional intelligence and critical thinking. So, Mary Lou, I'm excited you're here. Welcome.

Thank you so much. And thank you for having me on your podcast.

Oh, my gosh, I love it and I love that you're here. And we were kind of chatting before we hit record about some of the things. And, you know, you're very young, you're 36, and you're in the prime. You're in, like, your prime. And you've got an amazing job that I know you like. And you also know, like, there's some other things that you want to do in your life, and you're a manifesting generator, which that throws everything into the mix. So we were talking about, like, a lot of these beautiful tools that are accessible to us. Enneagram, human design, astrology, all the things. It basically is telling us, you know, what we're here to do, and then we end up our own bottleneck and get in our own way. Right. Is that true for you?

That is so true for me because I am a lover of all things, and so the use of discernment is typically my biggest struggle because I love everything and I tend to be good at everything. I try and go. Figuring out what I truly love versus what I'm just enjoying is a big struggle for me.

Where do you think you get tripped up? Do you second guess yourself? Because you even said you have a beautiful. You have beautiful people around you that believe in you and support you. So why do you think you get tripped up or kind of go into self doubt?

Sometimes it comes from the idea. Idea gets so large and it becomes such a big thing that I'm like, where do I start? What do I do? And the beginning stages scare me a little bit. Like, being a beginner again scares me a little bit.

Well, the good thing about being a manifesting generator, too, is also that, like, you know, you will make it happen when you know it's the right thing for you. But for that seven brain of yours, yeah, the ideas are big and so outside the box and it hasn't been done. It's why sevens are master innovators and visionaries, right? And, like, if you look around the rest of the world, it doesn't make a shit ton of sense, like, but you feel it in your body, right? And so the real flex for you is to be able to say, is this actually what I want or is this just exciting right now? And if it is what I want, what kind of support and framework and strategy do I need to put in place in order to execute this? Which sevens don't typically love the process. They love the journey and the end result and the fun and the adventure and the twists and turns, but they don't necessarily like the order in the process and the mundane to make something like that happen.

Oh, yes, that's. You described it perfectly. It is.

I'm raising one of you, so I know.

Sometimes it's when someone gives me strategy, it feels like constraining, even though it's not.

Yeah. Sevens don't want to be told they can't do something. And strategy and systems and processes feel like you're being put in a box or controlled. I like to say sometimes sevens walk around the earth with all these beautiful seeds of ideas and visions and beauty, and they kind of throw it around like it's confetti. Right. And glitter. It's like. But. But none of them can take root. You know, seeds, they need the right environment, the right container in order to take root, to bloom into the beauty that they create. And same thing with you as an enneagram7, you have to be okay temporarily. I usually tell my sevens it's just a short season. And the more that you surrender the short season of the strategy in the process, the bigger the bloom, the more freedom and options that you actually will have and the more you will have your own control over the whole thing.

Yes, there's nothing like when someone tells me, I can't do something. Watch me figure this out right now.

I know for those of you listening that love or lead an enneagram7, I'm going to give you a word of advice. You can be spicy and intense as fuck with them. They love it. Like, they love the adrenaline and the energy and the excitement. Now, what you do have to know is you have to be a wordsmith, though, with an enneagram 7, because at all, if your verbiage or any indication that you give that you're going to box them in, they're gone. They will be like, peace out, I'm done. You can be spicy, but you have to be very crafty and authentic with your words in a way that they don't feel like you're trying to restrict them or tell them they can't do something. And this is how you'll also get the best out of them. Yeah. Oh, right.

You're so amazing. That is perfection. It is exactly that.

It's true. It's true. It's funny because I have a seven daughter where I mean, our intensity, it can feel like fight club sometimes, but we freaking love it. And then I have an enneagram2son who I can't be as intense necessarily, but I can use all the words. I don't have to watch my words so much. It's more about my timing and my tone. So this is why the Enneagram is really cool. Know you have a few questions. Let's kind of dive in. They're absolutely going to help you. And. And people that are listening that whether they're a seven or they love or lead one, I know that these questions will be super helpful. So fire your first one at me.

Yes. So I grew up understanding that I'm an all or nothing kind of person. And the Enneagram learning Enneagram shed so much light on this.

Yeah.

And I tend to exhaust my energy very frequently. So I wanted to know, how do you build and launch a podcast around my Enneagram? Because the strategy leading up to it or like this, step by step, sometimes is. It becomes draining.

Well, you know who else is wired like you is Steve Jobs. Right. He's often mistyped as an Enneagram one because he's a little OCD and rigid. Right. Or he was, but that's a seven under extreme stress. But he actually was a seven. So that big dreamer. And if you know the story of Steve Jobs, you know he worked at McIntosh, right. And he went into the big offices and said, you guys, we can do this. I want to do this. I want to do this. And they're like, that's cute, Steve. Not going to happen. And so what did he do? He's like you. And he stole Steve Wozniak and went to the garage and cocooned in this garage. And now we have Apple. Right. So for you, as an enneagram7, if it is, and as a manifesting generator as well, if it is a fuck yes for you, like a hell, yeah, I want to do this. You have to be okay with the cocoon season and surrounding yourself with people that can do some of the things that aren't your sweet spot. Now, you do have to kind of bootstrap some things. As a beginner, I have to do shit I don't want to do too sometimes. But because I'm super passionate. And I'm also a manifesting generator as well.

You know, making sure that I create an environment and a container for this to be birthed. Right. The other thing you need to understand as an enneagram7 is you're going to change your mind a lot. And it's okay. Your podcast may start out one thing, and it might switch to something else. It doesn't mean you're not focused. You do have to check yourself. Like, you will always have to check yourself. Am I switching it up because I'm bored? Or am I switching up because this is actually true for me today? Or am I switching it up because I'm trying to avoid something painful or hard?

Right.

Those are great questions.

You will always, like, that's your blind spot. And so no matter how woke and self aware you are as an enneagram7, you will always have to check that. It's like driving a car. I don't care what kind of car you drive, whether it's like a Lambo or, you know, a Kia, you still have to check a blind spot when you're driving, otherwise you're going to wreck it. Same thing with you as an enneagram7, those are your blind spots that you're always going to have to check now. Like, you have free will, and you're always going to have to be compassionately, radically honest with yourself. And there are going to be times you're going to have to say, no, I'm trying to avoid something, and I'm just going to stay in this environment of uncomfortableness for a short season and to see how this plays out. Because if you, as an enneagram7 and a manifesting generator, try to do something that isn't necessarily for you, you will burn out. And energetically, it will be like.

You know, you're bleeding out, basically, energy. And even though you can manufacture energy probably better than Anyone as a 7 with the 8 in your tri type, you want to preserve it. You can get away with it at 36. I promise you, you won't get away with it at 46.

No, it's so true.

It's so true.

I've tried other things that don't necessarily.

Call me, but I feel like I'm. Because I'm good at it. I can get away with it.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should. And just because it's fun right now. This is another thing. For an enneagram 7, before you fuck yes, yourself into something that's really exciting, ask yourself two things. Would I still be excited about this in three months?

And number two, am I excited enough to do the things that would require me. That requires me to do that aren't fun.

Yes.

So that can be your pause button. I'm not saying you don't do it ever, but if you have a no to either of those questions in the right now, just pause before you, like, go all in on something. Okay.

Something that 2023 taught me was pausing. The art of pausing.

The Enneagram is seriously my greatest gift to pause. Because otherwise, as an Enneagram mate, I'm popping off all over the place. And what happens for an enneagram7, what really pisses them off is when they have decided to do something they were excited about and then the feeling has worn off, or the. The process to. To have it has worn off, or there's too many rules and then something comes along that they actually really fucking want to do, and they're either booked or burnt out, and now they're mad. And then they're going to be like Steve Jobs. That perfectionistic, rigid OCD part will come out. And then you don't like that either, because that's not your true nature. So the more that you can pause and really make discerning decisions before you just like, hell yes yourself into the fun shit all the time, trust me, by saying no more often, you'll have a hell of a lot more fun and a lot more freedom and choices. You know, the vice of the enneagram 7 is gluttony. And that means this insatiable desire for more. It doesn't necessarily mean food or alcohol or anything. It's the more the more. And the virtue is sobriety. Like having everything that you need within you and not needing anything outside of you to sustain or to fill that desire.

That was. That was honestly my biggest aha moment when I received the Enneagram document. It was learning that it wasn't just a habit, that that is part of my. Of who I am. And so I just have to monitor it and be more aware of just being gluttonous.

Well, it's. That's the thing, though. It's like the thing that is your superpower is that visionary innovator. Anything's possible. Like no stupid ideas. That is your superpower. But it's only your superpower. When you're coming from discernment, love, compassion, empathy, grace, service, fun and innocence. That same freaking thing becomes the. The thorn and the kryptonite in your life when it's coming from fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt, and ego. So the very thing that can have you taking off like a rocket can also take you back down to ground zero. You're responsible for the come from. That's why pausing is really, really good. Okay, what's your next question? That was a great one.

Yes. Okay, what are some tips for using my wings as a coach with entrepreneurs and clients?

Oh, girl. The wings are the real superheroes in all of this because they're, I like to explain them like the supporting cast in a movie. Right. You know, you're probably too young to see the movie Rocky. Did you ever see the movie Rocky?

Probably not.

Okay. Star is born with Lady Gaga.

Okay, well, let's imagine your favorite movie. Okay. And we're in Oscar season right now and all the best movies like yeah, the, the leading character might be great, but it's usually the supporting cast that makes a very strong mov and strong ensemble. And we're no different. You're in your main character energy as a 7 all the time. Now that isn't always the right tool for the job, right? Because this anything goes free spirited. Although it's a hell of a lot of fun, you don't always get shit done. And for some people that aren't sevens, it can feel very frantic.

Not planned. And there are some people, especially as a leader in any kind of way, as a partner, as a professional, you really need to understand that you're responsible for that energy you bring to the table. So having the wings are really, really helpful. They save my ass on the daily because the eight and me will be like a bulldozer through things if I'm not careful. So the wings are kind of like my supporting cast that are like, whoa, slow your roll, sister. Let's kind of use some of these other tools. You're still going to be you. You're still going to have your same core fears and your same core motives. But let's use these other tools in the toolbox to be a little more effective in how we communicate and how we take action. So when the seven in you wants to just like do all the things right? I want to do all of it. I want to do all of it. Right now you have a six and an eight wing, right? All sevens have the same two wings. And I love that you said wings. How do I use my wings? Because a lot of people come to the table saying I'm a seven wing this. Well, you won't. You, you have two wings, you need them both. Use them both. If you don't just like a bird or an airplane, you'll crash. Right? So you need to know what they do, what they're great at, and how and where to use them in your life. So the six is the loyal skeptic. They're also the master troubleshooters. They're the master strategists. They are worst case scenario thinkers, which for a seven, that sounds icky and ooh, like that sounds great. Gross. Why would I want to think about worst case scenario? Because enneagram sevens are best case scenario, which is great. We like, that's how you are innovators. But you need to kind of reverse engineer some shit. And that's what the six is masterful at when they're at their best. Right. We can also use our wings in a not so healthy way. So I'll get to that in a second. Based on our conversation, I can see where you. You have used your six wing in a not so great way. That's for Right. But when you have discerned, it's a fuck, yes, I want to do this. I want to start a podcast. I want to do this. And you've checked the boxes like, yes, in three months from now, I'll still be freaking excited about it. And yes, I am here for the process. Even on the days that it sucks, I'm here for it. The 6 Wing can help you reverse engineer the tasks that need to happen and decide who you might need to support you to get some of these tasks done. If you're not available for that. Right.

The seven in you will try to resist that because it's like, ah, fuck it, I'll just kind of do it and figure it out as I go. Which I'm not saying not to do that, but on certain things, like that will cause more energy leakage and cost you a lot more money and things down the road. So the 6 is kind of like, okay, we're going to troubleshoot some shit. Like, okay, if we do this, this could happen. How do we feel about that? If we do this, this could happen. How do we feel about that? I love sixes for this. They also frustrate me for that. But you need it. You need it. The 6 is in my tri type. So, like, it really throws a wrench in a lot of my shit. And thankfully, so. Right. The six will keep you from burning the house down.

Good. Because I. Because that's one of my things with this, with the 7 is being overly optimistic.

Yes.

Yeah. That toxic positivity sometimes, like sevens, I'm like, are you super optimistic? Are you avoidant? Right. Are you being an escapist Right again. Discernment, truth, compassion for yourself because you're human. It's gonna happen. Now, on the other side of you, you have the eight wing. I think you use this one quite often. You know, you're a New Yorker, you're a Gemini, You're a manifesting generator. You're spicy as fuck. The 8 is let's fucking go. And they're fearless. And although that's really good, when you've discerned that this is a hell yes from all the healthy, authentic places, this is also the thing that gets you in a pickle. Right? And it's also the thing that when somebody tells you no, sometimes that 8 can be a little. The bite. The bite. Like, it can make people feel, like, disrespected. It can make people not feel seen, heard, and understood. Sometimes it's like, it's my way or the highway. You're like, zero fucks. I'm going to be independent. I don't need you. Screw you. Right? But that eight is also very, very discerning. Yeah. That eight definitely will help you. When the seven in you wants to quit and chase a different shiny object, the eight will wrangle back. Wrangle you back in and say, sister, we committed to this. We will do it to the death. So that's where the 8 can really help you. So you see how they kind of bookend you in a way that keeps the seven in line, but allows you to be you.

That helps you make the right decisions and take the right next steps.

Crazy that you're saying that. Because the podcast has been on my heart for now, like, going on two years, three years. And I ran away from it for a while because I was, like, struggling with finding my voice and where I want to go with it. But like you said, the eight side was like, no. Like, I need to come right back to what I know I truly love, which is sometimes the power in my voice and what I say and what I put out there scares me.

Are you afraid of doing the podcast? You're going to be locked into something that you won't have freedom to change your mind or. What are you afraid of with the podcast?

Do you think it's a mix of that but also.

Being seen? And so I was listening. I was. When I was reading it, it was saying that sometimes my I think is in the five. When I have, like, a five in my chart.

Yeah.

So I want to retreat.

Yeah.

And so I have retreated from social media for a long time because I went through a breakup years ago. And so that for me made me feel such comfort.

Yeah. I could live in the cave and never come out again for sure. You know something else that's in your chart? This is why getting your enneagram blueprint through me is really important. Because you get even more accurate information. You're a Self Preservation 7, which isn't like the typical stereotypes of like, you walk in a room and you're like, you know, dancing on tables and causing a scene. Self preservation means safety, security and comfort. So that's why that 5 cave feels very comforting for you, even though it is your growth number. You can also use it, you know, not in the healthiest way, but. But that self preservation need, especially as a seven, if you're going to put yourself out there, you're always kind of thinking through the lens of safety, security and comfort. Whereas some of the other instinctual sevens, they don't care so much about safety, security and comfort. They're like, let's just freaking go. Right? But knowing that that's okay. That's okay. But also using the wings to gently nudge you, it's like, we're going to be okay. I know that you feel safe in here, but you can't step into who you are designed to be if you stay here. And we got you. We got you when you step into it. All right, what's your last question?

Okay, my last one is a pretty lengthy question. So in the past, I've struggled with the key differences between impulsive action versus gut reaction. And because I'm a lover of all people and I'm willing to share just about everything.

Anything. Yeah.

As a result, I've created friends or, and, or called in some clients where through trauma bonding.

Yeah.

Which feed into like victimhood and all of that. And so the question is, how do I support my clients without sitting and festering and trauma bonding? Yeah, I want to just meet them and meet them where they are and help them elevate and expand instead.

Well, sometimes helping people means not helping people. Right. Like, and I have to check this one too, because the two in your tri type, I have a two in my tri type too. So we're different in the thinking center, but you and I are similar in the instinctual and the feeling center. And I have the two in my tri type too. And your gift in having the two in your tri type is you kind of know what people need and you have compassion and empathy even though you're very spicy. You also, one of my best friends, has the same tri type as you. She's a 728 as well. That that two like you have the compassion and empathy. But sometimes the two the helper wants to swoop in and save the day because they think they're helping. Sometimes we do that prematurely having the two in our tri type. And sometimes instead of helping somebody, we think we're helping them, but we're actually enabling them and robbing them of their own process. Sometimes the greatest helping you can do is to do nothing but to hold space or be like I'm here for you. I know this is really uncomfortable. And not take their pain away because we have to feel the full scope of the human emotional experience in order for us to get to acceptance and transformation. And when we start trauma bonding with people, we're robbing not only ourselves but them of growing.

I feel like you've known me all my life.

I know it's. I know this is a hard one. Like just because we can doesn't mean we always should. And I have to restrain a lot, you know, I have a lot of experience and wisdom in 50 something years @ this point. And I can see very clearly like where somebody's about to go sideways. And just because I can direct to their traffic a little bit differently. It isn't always my job to play God, whatever that means to you. You know what I mean? Like, like I'm not a firm believer of everything happens for a reason because some crazy ass that's horrible happens. However, I do believe that everything does happen can turn be turned into something beautiful. And when we go around trying to be the hero in people's stories all the time from a lot of times, it's our own subconscious need to be loved and appreciated.

We are robbing people of their own.

Journey.

Yes. Now we can still meet them with compassion and kindness and empathy. And when we have boundaries for ourself, we're. We're showing them what self respect and self honoring looks like. Which is very helpful when we trauma bond. We're not helping.

Anyone. No, not at all. You stay and you both stay there now, now you just open up.

A wound and it's not good for anyone. Anyone. And so really getting in touch with what your body is telling you. The body and the intuition are the two greatest compass we've been given from a divine spirit. Right. And so often we bypass them and go into these parts of our personality that keep us stuck, keep us energetically bankrupt, keep us enabling people, keep us self abandoning ourselves. And so one of the things, especially as a 7 to 8 is to really get in tune with your body. Like when you're around somebody and you feel the urge to swoop in with your superhero cape or to, you know, get in a pit with somebody, even if you think it's coming from a loving place, like, see what your body is saying to you? Chances are it's saying, girl, this is a hell no. But your ego, your fear, your stuff is saying.

Shut up. I'm gonna play my deck of cards. And then the next thing you know, like, God and the body are saying, that's cute. Hold my beer. I'm gonna take her.

Out.

Yes. And we're gonna. We're gonna throw something else at her. So I would say just because you can doesn't mean you always should. And you can still have compassion and empathy. Now you've probably conditioned people in your life that you're ready to be in the Kumbaya, you know, pity pit with people. And the more you start having boundaries, the more you might hear things like, oh, who the fuck do you think you are? Or, oh, you're abandoning me, or, oh, like, are we not friends anymore? That's their.

That's their shit. And. And even though, yes, that will hurt and, yes, that will feel very personal, you don't need to defend it, but this is how you step into what is here for you and the calling that's on your life. You can't have all this clutter and this. This stuff around you that's keeping you down. And it doesn't mean we don't care about people. Sometimes the greatest caring move we can make is letting people sit in their own crap for a little bit. With love. They may not like it, especially if they're somebody who's like, misery loves company. And that's when you're going to have to make decisions. Like, this part of their story is over, and I wish them well and so much love, and they're not going to like it. And it's.

Okay. That speaks. That resonates so much because about six years ago, I shed a huge group of.

Friends.

Yeah. And it was because of me asserting my boundaries.

And.

Good. No longer partaking in a lot of things that just because I was constantly helping, it just. It took a toll on me and I was burnt out because you were.

Enabling. You weren't really.

Helping. Oh, yes. And it doesn't help being in the hospitality.

Industry. No, I know.

Yeah. So here's the thing. I know to be true, that it's not the last time you're going to shed people. And it doesn't mean that you are an opportunist or that you don't care about people, because you absolutely do. You absolutely do. And sometimes you're part in their stories over, right? Not just their part in your stories over. Sometimes, like, this has run its course. Like, lessons have been learned from this. There's a poem called Reason, Season, Lifetime. That's really, really beautiful. Like, people come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes a season, sometimes very few are lifetime people. But especially as you raise your hand and say, I want to be the best version of myself and I'm here for what? God, the universe, whatever has called for my life. Like, you have to make room for it. Like, abundance and manifestation can't just come in when we just, like, say, I want to manifest shit like. Like, the universe is waiting for you to call your shot and. And be willing to let go of anything, anyone that no longer serves them the greatest good, or you. But you have to be brave enough to let that go and sometimes be misunderstood in order for that to happen. Because the minute that you show the universe and God that you're ready for that, things move quickly. But if you kind of jump back in the pit with people, the abundance of love, wealth, support.

Dreams can't make its way in. So it's required. It's not the fun part, that's for sure, but it's.

Necessary.

Yes.

You're awesome.

Girl. Oh, thank you so much. I appreciate you so much. This is so.

Insightful. Good. Well, tell the people what the podcast is going to be called because we're going to keep you accountable here. Like, there's nothing like calling your shot on the airwaves that will say, call my shit out. So, like, let's tell the people where they can find you and what the podcast is going to be and what it's going to be about so they can come and.

Listen. Oh, so my podcast is going to be called Doses of Her. We're going to be talking about all things, transitions as far as relationship, career, entrepreneurship. And the focus is, of course, women, because we love women and we want to make sure that we continue to expand. And you can find me on Instagram at aligned as fuck with A F, V U. I'm.

Sorry? F, V, C, K. I love it. Oh, my God. Spicy girls. Nothing like a spicy girl. Mary Lou, I'm so glad that you are on and you came on the show. I know that you know, if you're listening, whether you're a seven or not, I guarantee you have one in your life. That maybe you don't always understand. And I know that your beautiful transparency and vulnerability today not only served the sevens out there, but those of us that love you and and lead you or try to along the way. So if you haven't gotten your Enneagram blueprint, that's how you have an opportunity to be on the hotline. You can go to Tracey O' Malley.com you will get an assessment and your own customized blueprint, which is basically the roadmap to your soul to bring you back home to who you always designed to be before life got a hold of you and you started kind of going off roading with yourself. It's an honor to do this work and to lead you, guide you and walk beside you. If you love this episode, share it with somebody. It means the world to us. If you loved listening to Mary Lou give her a little message in the DMS on Instagram. I know like it's really vulnerable to do this and she did it so beautifully. I know it'd mean a lot to her too. You share it. Tag us. And in the meantime, I'm wishing you so much love and transformation. We'll see you.

Soon.

Bye.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram at tracyomalley. You can also find additional resources on my website at tracyomalley. I'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.