EP410: Unleashing compassion and service, while honoring strong boundaries with Tonya Raybon (Social Enneagram 2)

Okay, I know you may have heard about the Enneagram or someone told you.

You need to know all about it.

So here you are.

But what the hell do you do with it? Great news. You are in the right place.

Lead with the Enneagram is the show where you will actually learn how to use this incredible growth tool and apply it in all areas of your life, personally and professional. Hi, I'm Tracy. And to be honest with you, I.

Was a skeptic of the Enneagram before.

I started to actually integrate it into my life.

In fact, in true enneagram 8 style.

I told my therapist to F off when she wanted me to dive into.

It well over a decade ago.

Now that I have more than a decade of experience using the Enneagram and working on myself in my family with those closest to me, building my own bulletproof leadership, sales teams with one on one clients, couples, leading workshops for top Fortune 100 executives, and speaking to large audiences all across the globe about this powerful tool. I've got the proof and deep understanding of how to help you implement this into your life instead of it just being some fun thing you heard about. The Enneagram can be a complex model. But with me as your guide, I will show you how to first lead yourself in a powerful, effective and compassionate way and then help you lead others that way in your life as well. This podcast will have powerful conversations with guests, live typing sessions, and as well as solo episodes of breaking down dynamics of the Enneagram and how they impact your life, career and relationships. So now let's dive in.

Hello.

Hello. Welcome back to Lead with the Enneagram. And we have a very fun conversation for you today. It is an Enneagram hotline episode where a listener comes on and asks all their juicy Enneagram questions. Once they kind of know their Enneagram type, it's like, great. Now what the heck do I do with this? And that's why I love these conversations. Because the people that come on have either gotten their blueprint and done that, or they've worked with me in a one on one session or done a partner session, or done a retreat. And today's beautiful guest, Tanya Raybon, has done all of it with me. She has been in a retreat.

Scenario with me for a couple days in house. Then we did a beautiful session with her and her husband. They. They have a blended family. She's dove into the Enneagram with her and her spouse and all the things. And that's the beauty in this beautiful, amazing tool is, you know it's great to have the information, but as. As long as we're constantly learning how to integrate this information and leverage it to enrich the way that we communicate personally and professionally. She also owns salons down in the south and does amazing, beautiful work leading and empowering women in that space as well. So she has been learning the Enneagram for a year now. It's been a year.

I know.

That's crazy. And using this beautiful tool to help her streamline her leadership in her home, in her relationships, professionally empowering women all over the world. Hi. I'm so glad. Hello.

Thank you so much, Tracy. I'm so excited to be here with you.

So, fun fact about Ms. Tanya, she is a social Enneagram 2. So social subtype, Enneagram 2. And we have the same tri type. So even though I'm an 8, we both have the same tri type. So she has the 2, 6, 8. I'm the 826. We are called the rescuer in tri type language, and both of us fit the bill for that. I think twos, more than eights can kind of really look like a rescuer. And that was probably the one thing that when we first chatted. You love that about yourself. And also it was really frustrating about yourself. Would you agree with.

Yes. Actually, on that retreat, I was very fresh to Enneagram lingo and world. And so it was. I was so honed in when we were learning about each number, and, like, everyone's like, have you. Have you numbered everybody? You know, I'm like, no, I'm still trying to figure out how she got my number.

And then when it came full circle and you hit that tri type, I'm pretty sure I busted out in tears.

Because it hit me hard. Me, too. What about it was so hard for you?

I mean, I think because after listening in so intensively into all the different kinds and putting myself into each piece that fit me. The description that you have for the Rescuer was so.

Vulnerably who I am that it, like, attacked my heart in. In, like, the best, worst way possible.

Yeah. I had the same reaction when I was learning about my tri type, because I wanted to. I think you thought you might have been a three on the Enneagram.

Well, somebody like, you're a seven with a three wing. Well, then after that weekend, I'm like, that's not even possible. Who told me that?

Right. Yeah. And, you know, when I was learning about the Enneagram and I knew I was an 8, mistyped originally, as a 3. Then I'm like, oh, then I must absolutely be like the 837tri type. Yeah. No, no. You and I are master troubleshooters in the way we think, and we're healers in the way that we feel, and we're major doers and we take action. Which, you know, that 8 in the tri type definitely is the get shit done part of you. And like the. The part of you that is willing to step into the fire when you need to. And you've done that professionally and personally.

Totally. And I've done it in a really good manner, and I've done it in a really bad manner. Like, you know, like, I've used my eight to my benefit at times, like you said. But I've also struggled living in anger and eight and a lot of times.

And I'm like, I know. Gosh, that eight, you know, so you kind of got the double whammy. It's in your tri type. So when you're dealing with what is happening now and what do I need to do about it? You operate like an 8, which can be really great sometimes. And the stressor number for the Enneagram too, as you know, is the eight. So that resentment, that defensiveness, that martyrdom that if I didn't do it, nobody would do it. Kind of part of you. Right.

It's so crazy how when you get educated in this.

Yeah.

You really see yourself do it. I mean, in the past year, I have been able to point out so many actions and emotions and feelings just knowing what I. What I learned.

Yeah. You know, I think in the realm of the Enneagram, and, you know, I'm always a big.

Speaker of, like, it's only as effective as you are willing and the intent in which you bring to it and the integrity in which you do it and awareness is like the gateway to compassion. And I know that when you and I first were learning about the Enneagram at different times, it's very confronting. And a lot of our first kind of initial bristle effect is to go to shame, especially as a two or, you know, know, beat ourselves up, you know, because you're. You're on your way. You're 48 years old. I know you don't mind me saying that, like, how could we have gone this far in our life and not known this? A lot of times we'll just take the whipping stick out and start beating ourselves up. But that.

Yeah.

That is not what the Enneagram is supposed to do for you. It is supposed to meet you with compassion and just provide a navigation system so that when you do get tripped up, you know?

Yeah. I think that is why the original basic teaching of it had me so emotional. Like, it confronted me so gently that I was just like, I was. I'm pretty sure I cried every day.

You did. And it looked beautiful on you. You're a beautiful woman. You guys got to see her. She's so beautiful. Like, her soul's beautiful, but she's aesthetically beautiful.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.

And I know, like, also at that retreat, you were one of the more, you know, seasoned women, you know?

Yeah.

We're like, we could have been mamas to some of these people.

Absolutely. Which, in my enneagram, too, made me so proud that they were there, just, like, pouring into their self and investing in their self at such a young age.

Yeah. So important. So you have had a year or so with this information, and you've been actively integrating it. Like I said, you brought me in to a beautiful session with you and your husband. What other integration. How. How else have you integrated this in your life? Before we get into some other questions that you've kind of excavated throughout the last.

So, okay. One of the big things for me and the two that I learned about, I am a yes person, I am a doer, and I am a yeser. So I've really tried to be aware of if it's not a hell yes. And being sure I'm not doing it for the gratitude has been a really big one for me.

Expect.

Learning that about the two of myself was, like, really hard, because while I would say just as a good person, I want people to be grateful for the things that I do not because I need the accolades, but, like, good people are grateful, right?

Yes.

But the other part of me that learned, like, well, if they're not grateful, are you doing it for them to be grateful? Are you doing it because you're a good person?

Right. It. That's the hardest part. When the twos hear that. The. The subconscious, most of the time, manipulation to give, to get right. Like it is. You guys come by it so freaking innocently.

So innocently. Like, I really beat myself up over that.

Yeah.

But then I was, like.

Think. Trying to really think and feel it through, and, like, that's not intentional. That's not my intentions.

No. Never. Like, most twos that I know don't even have the awareness that it's happening.

But know that I get aggravated when people don't or haven't in the past. And I'm like, but I do do that.

Yeah. So do you remember the question I told you to ask yourself before you say yes to anything? Do you remember?

Not exactly word for word.

All right, so this is for all the twos out there.

And also, let me write it down again.

Yeah.

Don't worry. I have my Enneagram notebook.

I love it. My son, when I first. Because he's a social too, like you.

Yeah.

And the first time I told him this, he wanted to throw up when I said this. So for all the twos out there, before you say yes to anything, ask yourself, if it wasn't appreciated, thanked, acknowledged, or reciprocated, would it still be a yes for you? Yeah. And if it's at all, like, in your body saying no, then it's a no. At least for now. Or you say, can I get back to you in 24 hours?

Appreciate it. Reciprocated, acknowledged, or thanked. Okay.

Yeah. And you're gonna recognize that there's a lot of things that you do that you're going for that rather than doing it because you genuinely want to help. And the other thing as a two is, you know, sometimes helping is actually enabling.

100%.

And I will say this, in the past year, that is something I've tried to be really, really aware of, because I'm also one of those people that is like, just get out the way. I'll just do it.

Yeah.

If you want something done right, do do it yourself.

Well, that's a spiritual gift, too. Like, to give you, like, some props here. The enneagram2 spiritual gift is knowing what people in situations need without words being said. And so it is your natural gift and spirit, you know, superpower to swoop in with the cape and handle it like. And that's not always a bad thing, however. Not always a good thing. No. Because you chip away at other people's confidence unintentionally. You create lazy leadership because they're just gonna let you do that from now on, and then you'll have resentment.

Yeah.

And so just because the two can help doesn't mean you always should. So. So running it through that filter, like I said, are you doing it for the flex over here? And if you actually do this, is this actually helping them for the long game? Right. Or are you going to create something where they don't have confidence they can do it themselves? Or will they just expect you to do it from here on out?

Yeah, it's really created some thinking moments for myself.

And pausing before you. Yes, yourself. Into a pickle?

Yeah, definitely.

All right, so let's go into your questions. I know you got a couple of them. What's your first one that you had?

Okay, so the best way to use what I've learned as far as, like, just taking what I've learned and applying it to an everyday.

You know.

Instead of taking the time to think, like I said, I've noticed I do some. Like, how can I be aware that I'm doing that every day?

Yeah.

And. And I mean, I guess, is it like a muscle? You just have to.

Yep. You knew. You knew what I was gonna say. And you're a fit, active woman and you work out. Like, you don't just, like, YouTube a workout and have a workout plan.

And have a cute butt.

And have a cute butt. Exactly. You don't get the JLO booty just by knowing it. It's actually putting the reps in. So, yes, this is a muscle you build over time. And as you know, like, the more consistent and committed you are to building that muscle, the easier it will get. Right now, before I open my mouth, I pause all the time. And as an eight, I'm not naturally wired to pause at anything. I can pop off in a moment, I can take action, I can take over, I can bulldoze. That is my natural tendency. And so because of the willingness to. To build this muscle, I pause before I do or say anything.

Okay, so what is the best, I guess, with that exercise, to practice for me, like, what would be the best thing? Pause. I know is great.

Yeah. So, you know, first of all, the two ultimate compasses that we are given by God, the divine, you know, I believe is our body. Right. Our body is always kind of not telling lies, and our body always kind of keeps score. And so I think most of us have learned how to bypass what our body's trying to tell us. So whenever we're around people or we're asked something or we say we want to do something, like do a check in with your body. And where do you feel it? First and foremost? For 40 plus years, I ignored everything my body was telling me. Now I'm very in tune with it. And where do you feel it in your body? Other thing is our intuition, that divine knowing the things that our brain, our heart, and our instincts are trying to make sense of. And it doesn't sometimes, like, it's like, ooh, like that intuitive hit that. That thing usually scares us. Okay. Yeah. But beyond that, this is where the enneagram comes into play. And knowing your divine Natural Soul blueprint as an enneagram too, you're always going to be motivated by a form of significance first. You're always going to be motivated by being appreciated and loved. And you're a child of God, so you automatically are that you don't have to earn it. Right. But as twos, when we're dropped into situations and families and circumstances like you already divinely know that, but you've been socialized. I believe that you have to earn that love and appreciation. And that's the slippery slope for an enneagram too, is to know, like you're a beautiful child of God and you don't have to earn the love and appreciation that you are so worthy of. So knowing that that's always going to be what motivates you, then going into that question, if it wasn't thanked, reciprocated, acknowledged, appreciated, would I still do it? Yeah, that's good. With everything that you do.

And I think too, like, for me it's just like practicing that, slowing down, paying attention. Because I am, like we talked about earlier, like a doer.

Yep.

Just go into.

And that'll always be there. It's your blind spot. It's not make. It doesn't make you bad. It doesn't mean you didn't do the good the job well enough. Like when we drive a car, I don't care how nice of a car you drive, you still have to check the blind spot, otherwise you're going to wreck it.

Right.

This is your blind spot as an enneagram too. It's always going to be there. And so pause the blind spot. Like ask yourself all those things.

Okay, that's good.

So the other thing is, is your biggest fear as an enneagram too is not being loved and appreciated and disappointing people when you have to say no and having boundaries. And I wish I could say that that gets easier for an enneagram too. You guys don't love it at all. But also recognizing like, if I want to help them the best way that I can, boundaries and no's are required for that.

And although they may temporarily be frustrated, disappointed with me, I know for me to be the greatest helper in their life, this is what I need to do. Whether it's with your children, stepchildren, grandchildren, your husband, your co workers, your employees, people that you meet, it's never going to be fun for an enneagram too. However, once you start getting used to disappointing people from time to time because congratulations, you're fucking human, it's going to happen.

Right.

You're going to start to have this confidence because your schedule will start freeing up for things that you're passionate about.

And I am in a transition, so I probably need that.

Yes. It's still gonna feel like you might feel guilty from time to time because twos do tend to put that burden on themselves. But you know, we've heard the thing, you know, put your oxygen mask on first. You can't help anybody without filling your cup first. All the things very cliche and like, you know that. But like twos absolutely. Like, yeah, but I got this. Yeah. No, you guys aren't immune. You're a superpower. You have amazing superpowers. And you are the most beautiful relation. You're the whole reason why this world has compassion and empathy and love and grace. Like you are the, the superheroes of that. But not at the. The cost of self abandonment. Right. You aren't helping anyone if you have. You are full of resentment because you've been self abandoning and, and accommodate overly accommodating people that you actually aren't helping when you do that. You're not helping anyone when you do that. So you have to kind of raise your hand and say, I want to be the best helper that I can be. And with that comes me saying no and having that time. Because your growth number is the four. The individualist, you have to have it. You have to. For you to be the best helper you can be. So it's just a matter of getting into the practice of slowing down before you. Yes. Yourself into shit that you can't back out of or saying yes and then having to back out of it and know you're gonna really frustrate and piss off some people and feel guilty and then feel guilty and then have to deal with conflict you. You could have avoided. Right. But as you're doing this in the beginning, like, just know it's going to be clunky, it's going to be messy. You're not going to be great at it. Just like anything when we first start. But the more you do it, the more those boundaries come up, the more freedom you will have in your schedule to do the things you want to do. So you can help the way that you've always wanted to help.

Good.

That's good.

Thank you.

You're welcome. And all the enneagram twos just threw up in their mouth. But also are like, yes, I want.

Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Who much is given, much is required. Yeah. Right. So you, in order to have it, you have to also do this part.

Good stuff. Yes.

You know, I'm just writing notes over here.

I know. You're so good. All right, so what's the other question I know you had.

Okay, so right off of that, because probably deal with this with these people the most is dealing with loved ones on this. Like.

One, boundaries with them is really hard for me. And two, kind of how to figure out what their numbers are without being like, hey, you need to take this test. Something's wrong with you. Take this test.

Well, your kids are old enough, so we could always do that. But I am not somebody who is. Thinks everybody should take this assessment because there are ways to kind of narrow things down in a way that doesn't feel as intrusive or judgy. You know, some people might. Yeah. Like, oh, you're trying to psychoanalyze me and you. And I'm not doing it right. So I'm not somebody who's just says, oh, just put an assessment in front of everybody. No. Even though you have adult children and it could.

But dealing with other people is where the enneagram really comes into play. And of course, like, the people that we love the most, we want to help the most. And that's where probably some of your boundaries do go out the window. What would you say is one of the hardest things that you catch yourself doing interpersonally within your family dynamics in a blended family and all of that? That, like, you know you're doing it, and then you're like, damn it, I did.

I'm very accommodating.

Me too, girl. It's a rescuer in us for sure. I'm way too accommodating.

Yeah, I'm very accommodating is probably the best definition of the. The action I'm thinking of when the people are not equally accommodating or relationally invested. And I'm always right there, every time the phone rings or the need arises are.

And I don't know if that's like. I just want to keep being the best example of what you should be doing, even though it hurts my feelings sometimes.

Yeah. I have found that too, with adult kids. I'm obsessed with the fact that I'm the first call that they always make. I'm sure you are, too.

Right.

And I know that that isn't just because we've enabled them. It's also because they trust us. They trust us. They respect us. They find us credible. They know we're a soft place to land. And.

I've also had to learn, you know, with having adult children that I love that I'm the first call, but there's some things that they could work through before they call me. Right. And so I've turned this around on them. Instead of just answering, I'm like, well, what do you think? What's your gut tell you? And kind of doing more of a leadership role than the rescuer role and putting it back on them with love. Even when I'm frustrated and feeling a little resentful, that, like, God, like, figure it out. Right? Like, that's right. That's my issue. It's not their issue. Yeah, right. So turning it back on them. And there are times, you know, especially if they just want the answer, which is a clear sign that we've enabled instead of helped. Right. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's slow down. Let's. What would you. What's your gut telling you to do? What's your instincts say? Where else have you done this in your life and what have you done about it? So. So we're still that soft place to land, but instead of swooping in and solving and saving the day, instead we're helping them be stronger critical thinkers and more emotionally intelligent and recognizing themselves.

Now, to answer your question, how do I figure out who my kids are? And that what I usually refer to back is the centers of intelligence, like, start narrowing things down with that. That's one of the things that I did the first five years. You kind of. You kind of heard the story when I was doing the retreat, like, right. Five years I was using the Enneagram, including with my children. And professionally, I never mentioned it, and I never put an assessment in front of them. First of all, I knew they were inaccurate because. Hello. But also I kind of wanted to play, like, puzzle games with people in, you know, for their greatest good. And it made me a better listener. It made me more curious and care and give a. More about human beings. And so what I usually will tell people, if you're not going to use the Enneagram right out of the gates, and I don't recommend doing that, like I said, because it can scare some people off. Really start asking questions that get to the core motive of the person that you love or lead. Right. A lot of times we'll. We'll make decisions and guesstimations on Enneagram types based on behaviors. And that's all a front, and that's all a cover. It usually takes about six or seven questions to get to the heart of things, Even with people you know, or Birthed or love. Like seriously.

Yeah.

So really ask questions that will help you understand the motive, the why behind what's somebody does. Right. So in the three centers of intelligence, in the instinctual center, where me and your husband are. Right. You're married to an eight.

Yes.

Congratulations. You signed up for a lot of energy there and I know you know that and. Yes. But if, if you're talking to somebody and you want to figure out if they're in the instinctual center, like your husband and I, we are motivated by a form of independence, autonomy and control.

So words of affirmation aren't necessarily our thing. Right. Not saying that like go off the love languages, but you can tell you already know they ate very well. Right. So you see what independence, autonomy and control can look like. Now it does change for an 8, a 9 and a 1. But if you kind of dig a little deeper, you will understand. Are they doing this for independence, autonomy and control or not?

Now you're in the heart center. So you know this center pretty well. Motivated by a form of significance. You know, when somebody needs some recognition, whether it's for being loved and appreciated, what they do, what they achieve, or just because that's what they are. Right. Twos, threes and fours fall there.

A lot of times.

I can look significance driven and so can your husband. But we're not. It's not the same motive. Right. Very three like. And high achieving women can look very three like. So it's going to take some digging to really understand is this about significance or. The reason why I and your husband achieve is to have independence, autonomy and control. It's not for the atta boys or the atta girls.

Right.

Gosh, look how amazing she is. Or she's the best. I don't care about being the best. I just want to be in control of my life.

Right.

And then for the thinking center, our dear friend Kasa. Right. Which is where we met. Yes. She's in the thinking center. Right. So the thinking center people are motivated by a form of certainty. I'm raising a certainty driven person. I'm also raising a, a significance driven person, which is very different for me.

Yeah.

Right. And so when I realize this, I'm like, oh, no wonder, like why I'm trying to motivate them like they're me and they're not.

Right.

It doesn't make them wrong. But like no wonder they don't feel like I know who they are.

So the certainty people.

Yeah.

Need to understand like they're very future driven. How does this affect me moving forward. What could happen? Right? What could happen? They're what could happen people. Forward thinkers, futuristic thinkers. The feelers are what has happened people. They fixate on the past and the instinctual. People. People. Me and your husband were like, what is happening right now? We're very fixated on what is happening in the present time.

Right. So if you just start getting really curious and this is for all of you listening right now, and you start asking questions to kind of get to the heart of what one of those three things are. There's a home base for all of us. It's our default. Now, do we use all three centers of intelligence? Yes. Right. Like the tri type explorer. But at the root of everything that you do is a motivation for some form of significance. At the root of everything I do is a motive of independence, autonomy, and control before I start going into the other centers of intelligence. Yeah. So that's where I would start.

Okay.

Right. And once you have the center of intelligence nailed down, you can start speaking to that, and then you'll be able to narrow it down even more. Because once you're in the center of intelligence, you know, you only have three choices.

Yeah, that's so funny, because just the other day, I can't even recall that what was going on, but me and Jeff were having a discussion, and the centers of intelligence hit me, and I was like, yeah, that's because I go back to what has happened. And that is why I think like this. You're just worried about what's happening right now because that's who you are and that's who I am. But it literally hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment. I was like, oh, this is how we vary. Because I am thinking of how it's.

Happened before and all are equally important. Like, that's the beauty in this. Like, when I understood this, I was like, I just thought it was my way or the highway. And y' all are stupid before, you know, 15 years ago. Now it's like, I recognize why the what has happened people. My feeling people. It's why you're the great relationship builders of the entire world. Right? The significance driven. People are about relationship and connection. Thank God for you. But it takes me understanding that that's where you go to not judge you. And same thing, we can. Me and your husband can come across a little cold because we're like, we don't give a shit about what's happened, what is happening now, and what are you gonna freaking do about it. It can come across as insensitive, cold. But it's also really tactical and will get you into action. Right. And great. Like crisis management sometimes. Right. And then the futuristic thinker. They're forward thinkers, innovative troubleshooters, strategists, like thank God for them. Do all important. But when you start to understand the three centers of intelligence and you'll, you'll be able to like oh, okay, yeah. Now for your littles. I know you got some grandkids. I do. So we're not putting any assessments in front of children.

Right.

I usually will, you know, I do it case by case because I'm brought in for families.

Yeah.

Workshops and stuff. Stuff, you know. So some teens, depending on where the family's at, are okay to do that and others I'm like, yeah, no, we're not doing that. But same thing with the children. You've got a 12 and a four year old grandchildren, right?

Yeah.

You can see what motivates usually about three is when I start to see the motives come and, and you can communicate with a three year old. Although like sometimes it's like pulling hair and pulling out. But like if you get down on the floor with a three year old, they're going to tell you the things that matter to them.

Right.

To see some of these kind of motives come out to play and same thing. And what I'll usually say to parents or grandparents is like start. Once you think you got it nailed, start speaking to that motive and those fears and see how it plays out. Okay. I had a family that I did a workshop with and the kids were, they had twin 6 year olds and a 3 year old at the time. And obviously like I'm not putting right, but I spent some time with them and I was like, your daughter for sure is an eight. Good luck. You know, she was, she was the baby. But they were having some behavior issues with one of the twins and they were so identical, which, you know, twins. Anyway, they get lumped into the same little bucket. Yeah. But personality wise they couldn't be more different. And they have an Enneagram 6 and an Enneagram 4 child in the twin set. And I was like, well, your enneagram 4 child needs quality time and undivided attention and to really be able to speak through feelings and emotions and needs to know that you're available for that. And the other one just needs to talk like it has lots of questions, lots of questions. Like two totally different motives, two totally different fears. And I said just spend more quality time one on one with that one. And See how things changed and overnight things started to shift.

Wow. Okay.

Yeah.

I'm going to start paying better attention and seeing if I could figure these little humans out better.

Well, that's the thing with raising children and grandchildren is we. We want them to behave a certain way. And the thing is, you know, we can try and force them, but that doesn't. That doesn't play well out for the long game, as you and I know.

Yeah, no, I.

Definitely doesn't end well. So it's like, let's understand the motive behind some behavior that we're seeing, even the behavior that we can't stand. Right?

Yeah, well, like, it's crazy. I wish I would have known this earlier on with my big kids because I am a total different grandparent than I am parent.

Well, that's normal anyway.

Exactly.

Yeah. But like, really, you know, we grew up in a generation as Gen Xers that, I mean, we weren't allowed to have a voice of our own for the most part. We were better seen than heard. We were latchkey kids. We're feral children, you know, we are do as I say, not as I do kind of generation. And that really squandered and squashed this beautiful, authentic expression of who we were based on fear, scarcity, whatever, you know, punishment, whatever that looked like for us. And I think raising this new generation, we have to kind of. It's like, wow. Like, that proved to serve us in some ways because of resilient, resourceful work ethic, strong, fierce, all the things. And we're also a shit show in a lot of ways too. Right? And there's this beautiful balance in the middle where we can bring this beautiful thing that we got as Gen Xers, right? But for them to really respect, trust, find us credible, you know, it's earned. And how we earn it best is through genuinely, compassionately, curiously getting to know the people that we love and the people that we lead even, and especially when they're different than us. Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

That's really good.

Honestly, it's. Little kids are my favorite. Same, like 4 to 10, give me the best. Like I'm a little kid whisperer because I do this. I'll get on the floor and I'll just ask them questions about themselves and oh my goodness, will they talk your ear off and tell you all their wildest dreams?

Oh, they love to talk.

And I never was asked any of that shit.

And I wonder how different things would have been. I wouldn't be as good at what I am today, but I Think the more that we as parents and grandparents can do that we're going to raise a generation of strong, authentic, resilient, beautiful children.

Yeah. I love my grandkids, and I love hanging out with them and talking to them, and I love that they tell me all kind of stuff. Stuff.

I love it. All right, so, like, does that help?

No. That's really awesome.

I love it so much. You're such a good mom, a good wife, a good grandparent. Thank you. So what are you going to do moving forward with this information? What. What kind of change? Because I know you're at, like, this crossroads in your life. Where do you see using a little bit of this golden nugget knowledge to move forward with some things that are scaring you about your life?

Well, I love the fact that I. I really need. And I'm already starting to incorporate this. So this is something like, really listening to my body is one of the number one things that. I mean, I'm used. Like you said earlier, it's no secret how old I am. And these are. These are stages that my physical body is changing anyway, you know, hormonally, menopausally, all that stuff. So I really started kind of paying attention to that, so. But really paying attention to it when I'm being asked or approached or even triggered, because sometimes even when I'm being asked, it's a trigger, and I still do it.

Triggers are the greatest catalyst for change, y'. All. Like, when you're triggered, it's an opportunity to check yourself. And the reason you're triggered is because you're about to say yes to something that you don't want to do or. You know what I'm saying? It's like, yeah, it's. You're not checking the blind spot.

Yes. So going forward, I really think, like, being in tune, paying attention to my body, checking my blind spot, trying to pause and really check my blind spots and be aware of that, you know, paying attention to my family so that I can better serve them without compromising boundaries within my own self.

So good. Me too. While still.

While I still want to be accommodating to my family and be the matriarch and have all that love and respect.

And all the coaching, I want to still continue to pour into them because I don't ever want to stop coaching them. I'm a student myself. I'll never want to stop learning.

Just being, you know, cautious of how. How that I'm doing that.

Yeah.

Then as a business owner, I want to be a good leader. I want to understand, be able to pour in.

And grow.

Other people.

And when we meet ourselves, when we find ourselves in maybe doing something that isn't as boundary driven, like meeting ourselves with compassion and not judgment. Right? Yeah. Because we're human after all. You've got 48 years of that kind of conditioning. It's not going to change overnight, right? Same, same. I still catch. I teach this and I still and catch it. So, you know, compassion is how we. We break the cycles. Judgment and shame. Keep it continuous, continuously going. So know that when you do catch it, because you will just meet yourself with love, compassion, grace, empathy. And know that like you, you're doing a beautiful job. And I'm so.

I do love as I've learned the things that I have learned when I catch myself incorporated and I'm like, look, I learned something. I'm putting it to Good work.

You absolutely are. So I know you got a podcast out currently and it's called the Perfectly Blended. I love it. And is it about like families and dealing?

Yes. So it's originated because we are a blended family, but it's of kind, kind of all things blended. Life is blended and nothing's perfect about it. So as women, we. We take on a lot of roles of being blended. As we age, there's a lot of things to incorporate. We're blending and there's no such damn thing as balance. We're just constantly blending something up.

I love that. You guys go check it out. Is it on all the platforms?

Yes, ma'.

Am.

Apple and Spotify.

You guys go check out Perfectly Blended the podcast. And where can they find you on the Instagram?

I am at Tanya Raybon.

All one word.

All one word.

Oh my goodness. I love you. I am so grateful we got to have this conversation.

I love you so much. I am so thankful we're friends.

Me too. Like, seriously, I wish we lived closer.

I know. I just told my husband the other day we should buy a house in Gilbert. It's a very safe city.

Hell yes. It's a great city. It's a great city, especially this time of year. So.

So I know it's beautiful.

You guys. If you love this episode, please share it. All my Enneagram Twos out there. I know you got a lot from this. And all those of us that love and lead the Enneagram Twos, take note because this was super helpful. For those of those of us that love and lead Enneagram Twos in our life, if you haven't gotten your blueprint and want to be on the hotline. You can go to Tracy O' Malley.com the work with me section. It is the first step in really having the level of self awareness to move the needle in ways that you cannot even understand and accelerate the transformation in your life. I appreciate you Tanya.

Thank you so much for having me.

I'm so happy you enjoyed the lead with the Enneagram podcast. Please help us spread the word about this show and the Enneagram by sharing it with a friend and leaving a written Apple podcast review. If you have any follow up questions to this episode, you can DM me on Instagram @tracy o'.

Malley.

You can also find additional resources on my website@tracyomalley.com. i'm so excited to lead you into the next level of your life.