EP421: How to Get an EDGE Up On Your Parenting With The Tool of the Enneagram

I know you love your kids. I know it. You've poured everything into raising them right with a beautiful heart, the best intentions, and a soul deep desire to give them what you may have never had. Trust me, I did, too. But even with all that love, I found myself parenting from my own language, my own wiring, from my motives, maybe not theirs. And what I meant is protection. Honestly, they felt as pressure. What I offered as guidance, they received as control. What I thought was connection didn't always land. That moment was brutal. Not because I was failing, but because I realized I was parenting from a lens that didn't include how they were wired to be loved, to be seen, to be led, and especially understood. The Enneagram cracked that open for me. It didn't give me rules, it gave me a map. It helped me move from performance to presence, from good intentions to. To impact that landed. This isn't about becoming a perfect parent. It's about becoming one who is integrated, awake, and able to empower their children or any soul. You influence through truth. Not projection, through wiring, not guesswork, through love that actually reaches the heart it's meant for. I know this is going to be a conversation you need to hear. Whether you're a parent or not you want to be, you have an influence on anyone in your life. This all will land for you. So let's go. Hey. Hey.

And welcome to the Enneagram Edge. I'm your host, Tracy o', Malley, Enneagram expert leadership coach, recovering control freak, and your personal translator for the shit you keep repeating but don't totally understand yet. Now, if you're new here, buckle up. This is absolutely not another fluffy Enneagram podcast where we talk about how sweet it is to be an Enneagram, too, and bake cookies for your friends.

No, this is the real deal.

This show is about using the Enneagram as a tool for transformation, not just information, and definitely not some party trick. Because knowing your type is cute, but embodying your highest expression. That is where your edge is.

Every week, I'm bringing you the truth.

Behind the types and the hype.

How to stop self sabotaging, lead like.

A damn legend, and actually understand the people in your life without wanting to scream into a pillow. Or if you're an enneagram8 like me.

Not throat punch someone.

We'll talk about leadership, relationships, business, healing, high performance, and why couples therapy isn't working. But fully understanding your Enneagram blueprint might just save your marriage. I'll drop solo episodes behind the curtain coaching and the occasional rant when someone calls the Enneagram just a personality test. So if you're ready to stop playing small and start showing up with unshakable clarity, confidence, and compassion for yourself and others, this is your space. You've got an edge.

Now let's use it. Welcome back to the Enneagram Edge, and we're talking all things parenting. Again, if you are not a parent, but desire to be, if you have influence on young adults or young kids or you lead anyone, this, this conversation will apply, but especially for my parents out there, this is a subject that, you know, a lot of people don't necessarily come to me for. However, this is sometime where we end up, because it's. It's a topic that we carry a lot of guilt, shame, regret around, especially, you know, when we have children or desire children. I mean, growing up, even long before my kids were on my radar, I had one goal in life, and that was to not up my kids. And growing up the way that I grew up, with very well intended parents who did the best they could, you know, but I also knew they failed me in a lot of ways, and I did not want to do that. And I literally thought I could move 3,000 miles away, set up shop, have my own family, and do it differently. And in some degrees, I did. And also that conditioning is no joke. What we're taught, told, and modeled is what we know, and it is what we will repeat unless we repair it. And it gets repeated if we don't repair it. So I know that many of you out there have some stuff, you know, if you grew up in the generation that I did, where what happens in our house stays in our house. I know that today maybe it's not as prevalent, but I know there's a lot of things that we keep under wraps, secret because we're like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. And especially when we're raising the next generation, we want to get it right. And I want you to know, like, you've been following me for a while or you're new to this show. Like, I didn't always get it right. I still don't. Fuck. I'm a human, after all. But I always am operating from the lens of how can I empower them better for them? Not always for me. You know, parenting is probably one of the. The most humbling and triggering things on the planet. And my favorite thing, you know, and. And I can pride myself today. I. I honestly know I'm one of the best parents out there. And that did not come easy. It did not come without humility and rewiring some things and burning it all down to the ground quite hon learn a new way. And I want to take you back about 13 years ago. My kids are now 27 and 28 and we have an amazing relationship. And they're so different from me, different from each other. On paper, back 14, 13 years ago, I was a really good parent. You know, very tactical. I was a sole provider. I was a single parent on top of it, but the sole provider emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially. And on paper, like I said, I was doing all the right things. My kids didn't have to worry about certain things. However, I wasn't always the most emotionally nurturing to them. And I think especially in mothering and all, my dad's listening out there too. It's important that you're nurturing as well. But I was lacking that. And also I only knew the lens that I operated from and growing up the way that I grew up, Like I said, I grew up in a time where you were better seen than heard. You do as I say, not as I do. There wasn't the freedom to speak and freely. There wasn't this is who I am and honor it. It was no. You fit into this mold, you do what I tell you to do. If you want to live under this roof, you follow my rules. And I'm not saying that that's always a bad thing, like good structure is good. But when you have to hide who you are from the very people that are here to nurture, guide and protect you, it can get really confusing. And it does chip away at not only your confidence, but knowing who you are in this world. You know, my kids were facing the same dilemma. You know, it was looked at through the Tracy lens of be strong, do this this way, who cares what people think? Focus. And I'm raising two kids, quite honestly. One is an empath and one is a dreamer. And so my tactical little lens box wasn't going to work for them. And I could see, I remember the moment very clearly when I would be in my tactical mom mode again, a good thing. I could see the look in their eyes and I remember that look. I remember that look from myself when I would look in the mirror and think it wasn't okay to be me in my household growing up. And I saw that same look in my kids eyes, but I didn't know a different way. I didn't know their language necessarily. And I have been able to read people since I was a little, little girl intuitively. And also, like, I've got some spiritual intuitive gifts that are pretty spectacular. And I know I've had them since I was nine years old. And I. I thank God for that because it was in that moment, even though my ego was pissed, that my kids had that look in their eye like, don't you know what kind of mother I am? You should be so grateful to have me. That was kind of my energy back then, but my soul knew, like, this is the fork in the road, and either you're going to go down the path that you've always known, the path that you know well, or you're going to go down the path of the unknown and venture into tools and ways and thoughts and beliefs that are very new to you. And you're going to be clunky, but it'll be for all the right reasons. And I chose the unknown road I knew I had to blaze, a trail that had never been blazed for me before. And that was really scary. You know, I'm. I was looking at myself like I'm what they have to, like, look to, and if I don't know what the I'm doing, how am I gonna no go and show the way for them? And thankfully, like, that Humb moment happened, and I knew a lot of my coping mechanisms weren't great. Again, even though I was a good tactical mom, like, you know, you never knew what you're going to get. Sometimes, like, there would be times I'd be a little Jekyll, a little Hyde, and. And when it comes to being tactical, that nurturing aspect isn't there. And there's so much uncertainty with how you can show up in your home, in your own home that's supposed to be your safe place. It's a recipe for repeating some of the coping mechanisms I was modeling for them. And I did not want that for them. And so I made the hard decision to get help for all those coping mechanisms. They were a symptom of the bigger issue. I made the decision, and most of the people in my life thought I was absolutely crazy for doing this. They're like, you're not that bad. Like, we're way worse than you. That's a little sign that you're around the wrong people, even if they're good people, and even if they've been in your life or family. I knew I wanted something different for me. My lineage, my legacy. And so I checked myself into rehab for all those coping mechanisms. You name it, I had it. Everything. But drugs was A coping mechanism for me. And I'll never forget when I walked in the door and met Nancy, my therapist, who's tough. She's an enneagram 8 like me. And she presented me with the tool of the Enneagram and with a lot of colorful language and a lot of passion and intensity, like a good eight does. I told Nancy to go herself with her Enneagram thing, and she didn't miss a beat. Thank you. Thankfully, usually I would use that intensity as a flex, you know, to test people, not always consciously, but Nancy didn't miss a beat. She's like, my dear, this might actually help you get out of the box that not only the world, your parents and everyone has put you in, but the one that you've put yourself in. So how about you open up your mind, and it may reveal something that can actually help you step into who you were always designed to be. And I was like, okay, touche, Nancy. You got a point there. And so it is. And I will never forget, I was day two in rehab. So again, not a glorious, shining moment for me. And I remember the very first I had with the Enneagram. And it's why I, to this day, do a lot of couple family work, because I use this tool first in my home team. And my first was, oh, shit, I know this language, this eight language. And I was mistyped as a three to begin with. Me and Nancy figured out really quickly that even though I can behaviorally look like a three, I'm not motivated like a three. So for those of you that have taken an online test, know that they're inaccurate 65 to 70% of the time, but we can talk about that later. So as an 8, I knew my 8 language, and I was motivated by being strong and powerful. And I saw really quickly like I was trying to force my kids to be motivated the same way. And again, no matter how well intended and how many gifts come in, being strong, that's not their language. That's not the language. That's not their operating system. And I needed to learn theirs. If I want to empower them and build confidence in them and lead and guide them and nurture and protect them, then they're going to have to need to feel seen, heard, understood, and valued in order for them to receive my wisdom as their mom. You know, just because I'm their mom doesn't give me that right. I have to earn it. And that was a hard pill to swallow. It was a very humbling moment. And I was like, oh, here we go. I need to learn their language. The other thing that happened in that moment was, you know, like I said, I've had these intuitive gifts since I was a nine year old. Some of them are intuitive, divine gifts. And also some of them came from growing up in an alcoholic home where there was a lot of neglect and trauma and things like that. And I've always had this beautiful ability to read people and read energy. I always have. Most of the time it was for survival and protection, not necessarily for the gifts they are today, but when the Enneagram dropped into my lap, and I always say this, when the student is ready, the teacher and tools appear. And had I had this sooner in my life, I absolutely would have used it to control and manipulate. And it's never too late. But all of a sudden, when I was learning this stuff on day two, sitting in rehab, I realized that I just got dropped. The language in which I've been trying to process all of this understanding of people my whole life. And it's why I learned it so quickly. It's why I learned it so masterfully, because I'd already been kind of using. I just didn't have a framework to it. And the Enneagram provided me that framework. And I very quickly was like looking through the framework of the Enneagram and was able to determine very quickly where my two kids fell in the framework of the Enneagram. And I realized, wow, they're very different from me and also very different from each other. And I have an enneagram2son who's 27. He's also a Pisces, lots of water in his sign. So he's very emotional, very sensitive, the opposite of every male I had had in my life. And any kind of masculine modeling I had had. Of course I was gifted this beautiful, sensitive son who low key, not to his face, but energetically, was judging for being weak and soft at times. You know, I wanted him to be tough and strong like me. And also his strength and toughness comes in his sensitivity. And it was in learning this early on, it's like, wow, he's motivated, completely different. And saying things like who cares what people think is actually very disrespectful to somebody like him. That is what makes him great. He does care about people and what they think. Now sometimes he might give it too much power, right? But if I don't recognize and understand his core motive, his core fears in that he's not going to trust that who cares what people think is actually good counsel, you know, and, and Wisdom he wants to tap into because, like, that's how he's wired. Not only that, like, I don't want him to think anything's wrong with him for that. So that was my first with my son, my first with my daughter. She is an enneagram7. So she's in the Thinking center, my son's in the Feeling center, she's in the Thinking center. And she's very much a dreamer, a visionary, an innovator. And I would harp on her and low key judge her, too. Again, not to her face, but, like, energetically, I was like, Jesus, like, how did this girl come out of me? She has no focus, she has no drive. She's all over the place, right? And in understanding very quickly the gifts and the, The. The beautiful magic that is the enneagram 7. I was disrespecting her and trying to put her in a box by getting her to focus. Now, granted, she does need a little structure, but again, she's not going to look into my wise counsel if she doesn't feel seen, heard, understood, or valued for her wiring. And so I needed a. I know I needed to come home from rehab, not only sober, with a whole army of tools to maintain that. And I'm happy to report I've got almost 13 years under my belt of sobriety. But I knew I needed to speak to them from their language. And so literally, other than, you know, learning tools, strong tools of recovery and practicing and doing the reps with that daily, I also made it my mission to understand this mapping system specifically for them first. So I understood me and I, I learned very quickly their wiring, and it changed the culture in my home overnight. And I want to tell you, like, if you are a parent listening right now and you have regret or you've seen the light go out in your child's eyes, maybe at the hand of your words or your energy, I want you to know it's never too late. And repair can happen, and redemption does happen. When I say our culture in our home changed overnight, I'm not, I'm not kidding. Granted, getting sober absolutely helped that. But I always started operating from this place of how can I empower them for them, not empower them for the box I think they should be in. And there's something about it. And it was something I craved my whole life growing up. It's like, I just wish people understood me, especially my parents. Again, super well intended. But when you have somebody on the receiving end, especially your parent, that truly wants to see, understood, learn and value you for you and not try to make a mini me. You know, I don't use the, the phrase a mini me anymore. It's like, like you're, you're already conditioning that child to fit a mold that probably isn't them. Now, I have kids that resemble me in a lot of ways, behaviorally and physically, but they are them. They are not a mini me. They are their own beautiful gifted being. And I was on a mission to honor that and to honor those gifts and to honor their operating system. And I did, and I learned it well. And when I say it shifted overnight and like, I'm not even kidding, I started to have conversations with them. I would ask them things and, and I would tell them because, you know, I'd condition them for the 13, 14 years that, like, watch how you answer this, right? Like, I'm sure many of you listening can remember back to a time when you were asked something or, or you wanted to say something, but you were walking on eggshells. And I know my kids did, too. And I remember leading the conversations with, I, I, I want you to know that you can speak so freely to me, and there will not be an ounce of judgment. There will not me be me trying to fix it. I will be accountable. I want to hear your hearts. I want to hear everything. And that's a really humbling thing. And when I asked them, you know, I've asked them recently, you know, what was the best thing you got from me as a kid? And both of them said, we never had to worry. We were safe. You protected us. You made shit happen that, that we can't even imagine how you made it possible. And I said, that's great, and what's the thing that you lacked from me early on? And both of them said, the nurturing aspect. And that's not easy to hear, you know, and I easily could have beat myself up with the shame stick, but that doesn't serve anyone. It's like, okay, I want to know better and I want to do better. And so the Enneagram really gave me a map to honor who they are and, and who they are are and who they are here to be. And over time, you know, it's been 13 years now with this tool, and the first five years, my kids didn't even know I was using it. So it's not like I dropped an assessment in front of them. So some of the work I do is talking to the parents, you know, especially with the younger kids, and really kind of honing in on where I think they land in the framework of the Enneagram so that you can start speaking to it. But for those of you with teenagers, this is super helpful. And I think our mission here, whether we're a parent or the child, even adult children, we just want to be honored for who we are, you know, and our parents are supposed to be our safest place to be us. And for many of us, myself included, it was so not okay to be who I was, especially in the household I was in. Again with well intended parents and beautiful people. So this tool is something that, you know, when people come to me for business strategy or all other sorts of stuff, we. We take the holistic approach, like I always do, because we are a holistic being. And you know, yes, we may want business strategy, but like let's, let's get a pulse on what's happening at home and, and the more that we can understand this tool and this framework and it's why it's such a powerful thing, especially the way that I guide people through it. It is. We have so much more energy because we are consistently us on every kind of realm of who we are. The other thing that was really important that I was understanding when I was learning about this sitting in rehab, not only about the wiring of my children and the people that I love, but how others might receive me, right? So this is where kind of compassionate, personal, radical honesty and accountability comes into play. So as an enneagram8, I recognize that, that you know, I can be received as a little intense now. That is also my superpower, right? That's why my kids felt safe and protected and like Mom's got this, right? So that intensity is a superpower. And it was also the wrecking ball in the nurturing aspect, right? So really understanding and humbly and compassionately learning that I am responsible for my intention and the come from, right? That intensity is only the superpower. And each Enneagram types superpower can only be a superpower when it's coming from love, compassion, empathy, grace, service, fun, innocence, right? So that intensity was a superpower when it was coming from those things. And that same intensity almost destroyed my kids because it was coming from fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt and a lot of ego sometimes, right? So the good news is for you, mom and dad, is that you don't have to change a thing about who you are and you are responsible for the come from. And I'm just, you're never going to get it right 100 of the time because congratulations, you're a Human and also, like, life's gonna life us in the face sometimes. But with the framework and. And are putting the reps in and integrating this beautiful tool in our life. We can catch it quick before, you know, their souls have been so chipped away at that, you know, they're lacking confidence and all the things. It's been cool. You know, it was. Like I said, it's. It was five years before I kind of revealed the tool that I'd been using in not just my. My home team, but professional teams and. And all sorts of things. I. You know, the Enneagram had started. Become mainstream, and I. I saw it starting to be used so, like, irresponsibly and not for the beauty that it's here to provide. And so that's when I decided to come out of the Enneagram closet about. About eight years ago. But I've been masterful of it and with it for the five years prior, not just personally, but professionally as well. So when I was revealing this to my children about the Enneagram, I remember. I'll never forget it. We were sitting on the couch, and my son was reading one of my textbooks that I have. I have many. And he was reading the unhealthy aspects of the two, the seven and the eight, which is what the three of us are. And he looked up at me, he goes, how the hell did we survive 2011? I'm like, by the grace of God. My God, and. And by the grace of God, and also my willingness to go first. And I think that's really important as parents. I think a lot of us try to put on this front to our kids that we have it all figured out, and we think we're doing them a favor by doing that. We think it's the safer way for them. It's. We think it's the way to make them feel, like, protected and. And nurtured and guided. And actually, it does the opposite, because the minute I humbled myself enough to my children to let them know, like, listen, I don't have it all figured out, but I am here in the trench, learning day in and day out so that I can know a different way, go a different way, and show you a different way than what was taught, told, and modeled for me, it built trust. It built credibility. It built it in that I am, without question, the number one call. Not because I'm their mom and not because they're obligated to, but because they know they're fully seen, heard, understood, and valued and led based on who they are not who I may have wanted them to be, like me, right? I didn't want to put them in a box and I certainly didn't want to clip their wings. So again, like, using this tool in your parenting will change the game. A to understand the operating system of your beautiful kids, but also understanding how they may receive you and you taking personal, compassionate, radical responsibility for that. I get asked a lot now. You know, people see the relationship I have with my kids. It's not lost on me that people will say your goals as a parent. And I humbly receive that and honorably receive that because I've worked really hard to break all the generational shit again. My parents were very well intended and very good people, but they didn't have the openness and the willingness to kind of see things differently than what was taught, told and modeled for them. And that's why we have generational patterns that don't always serve us. Like I said, parenting is one of the most humbling things. But this has given me the edge up not just for my kids, but their friends. You know, my daughter's going to be engaged here this year and to be that support for my future son in law as well, to see him fully. I've seen what I've seen, at least with my influence. You know, he's got a lot of other beautiful influence in his life. But you know, when we kind of stand in our own truth, authentically and with compassion for others, you know, I don't think I'm any better than anyone else at any time. And, and quite honestly, my kids are my greatest teacher and they're always revealing more, especially through the framework of the enneagram, parts about myself that I can grow from. And it's more of this collaborative thing. And I, I realize, like when you have younger ones and you know, I've been at this momming game for a long, long time and there are many people in my life that I'm Mama T for, you know, friends, clients, friends of my kids. I mean, I'm Mama T all over the place. And I think in a past life I was, you know, a goddess mother. So there's that. But I never think I'm better than anyone else. I'm always here to be compassionate and that goes a long, long way. Now, compassion isn't a behavior, it's an essence. And there's no agenda when we have compassion. And I know, like when we're raising kids and you know, especially in the age that we live in today where we can see The Pinterest mom and the mom vloggers and you know, the picture perfect house and all the things that. And I'm here to tell you a lot of it's bullshit and more power to them for their great marketing. It's great. But I think it, it puts this pressure that we have to maintain perfection in our parenting. And the most perfect parenting you can do honestly is humbly, humbly being open and vulnerable with your own children. Even, you know, not burdening them with your shit, however, like letting them know you're a human being too. The minute I started showing my kids how human I was, they stopped thinking anything was wrong with them. And that is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. And the tool of the Enneagram has given me that roadmap and a language to kind of what I already knew. But now I can share it with you in a way that you can understand and receive it. And I just want all the parents out there, this will give you an edge up, especially with used with beautiful intent and an integrity. Again, no agenda other than to honor who they are and who they were designed to be. Because here's the thing. You are gifted the children in your life, whether by birth, by adoption, by association, by aunting, by uncling, by friending, anything. Any children that are in your life are a gift and they are here to mirror something for you if we are humble enough to see it. Especially the children that trigger us the most. Let me tell you, my kids were the greatest gifts I've ever been given. Not because they're my kids, but because they both have shown me parts of me that are there but had been suppressed for a long, long time. And so today, you know, having adult children, which is truly a collaborative thing, even though I'm wise counsel just because of experience and I went first and I'm their mom, it truly is like I'm always learning from them too. And there's nothing that builds confidence more in our children than fully seeing them and allowing them to be who they were always designed to be and earning that credibility and trust based on that, rather than I'm your mom, I'm your dad, and this is. I demand respect. Nobody ever gets respect by demanding it. It's by honoring who you are and owning who you are humbly and gracefully and, and honestly and honoring who they are. It's the greatest parenting you will ever do. You know, I don't want you pattern or parenting out of patterns. I want you to do it it through being present with who you are. And for a lot of you, maybe you don't even know who the you are. Welcome to the club. Sometimes understanding your wiring will be really helpful before trying to address theirs. A lot of times, like, I need to know what my kids are. I'm like, well, let's dive into you first. So that's. That's usually part one. What you model is a lot louder than the things you say. The Enneagram, honestly, is a legacy shifting power tool. It really, really is. I have changed my lineage with this tool, and I know you can, too. And you know you can love your kids with your whole heart. And no matter, again, how well intended you are, sometimes it will land sideways again. It's not too late ever to course correct. The Enneagram also didn't make me a better parent. It just gave me the ability to be an honest one, which, again, earns credibility and trust. Kids aren't meant to be molded necessarily. They're meant to be met, right? But what I would have become if I was met. Well, I don't have any regrets because I am who I am today because of my openness and my willingness to this. But I want you to know, as a parent, they're not here to be molded. They need you to meet them and guide them on the journey. And, yeah, most of us are parenting from our past and not from our power of doing this. And, you know, how do we do this when we've got a lot of trauma and not easy. Not easy. The. The Enneagram has also helped me guide my own inner children that are inside of me, too. So we can go. We'll go deep into inner child work on another day. But some of the best parenting you'll do with the tool of the Enneagram can change your entire lineage and the legacy you leave behind. And it's never too late. If I can turn it around, so can you. I promise. So, all my mamas and dads out there, or soon to be, or aunties and uncles or grandparents, I hope that this landed for you and why I love the Enneagram. It all started with my home team, and the transformation happened quickly through humility and grace and honest, open communication. I'm here to guide many of you. I do family sessions. I do family workshops. I do VIP weekends, I do VIP days. Any of those things. If you want to dive deeper in with me, you can go to tracyomalley.com go check out the new website. It's awesome. I'm very proud of it. In the past, I never wanted to share my website because I thought it sucked, but now it's awesome. But it's very me. If you're offended by the word, you probably won't like it, but you wouldn't be listening to me either. I'm on Instagram at Tracy Underscore o' Malley if this landed for you, please share this up episode. I know every mom and dad soon to be mom and dad want to be mom and dad, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa really could benefit from not only listening to this, but learning how to integrate the Enneagram into the parenting. It gives you the edge up, let me tell you. And if maybe my relationship with my children is your goals, it's possible. It's possible and I'm here to help guide you through that. If this landed, please share it. Please subscribe. It's how more people can get the extra edge on their life using the tool of the Enneagram and beyond and all my other wisdom that I will bring to you. Super grateful for this tool and for my ability to share it with all of you so that you can have the edge up on your life and especially in your parenting. Until next time, I love you.

And that's a wrap on today's Dive into the Edge. If this episode hit you in the.

Gut or lit a fire under your.

Ass good, that means it's working. Here's the deal. Transformation is not a checkbox. It's a damn decision. And the Enneagram. It's your ultimate power tool when you actually know how to use it. If you loved today's episode, share it with somebody who's ready to stop playing small. Subscribe, leave a review, and if you're really feeling brave, shoot me a message and tell me what cracked open for you. Remember, your edge isn't something to be polished down. It's part of you that was of.

The part always meant to lead.

Until next time, stay sharp, stay true.

And keep walking your edge.