EP422: You aren't STUCK. How to get your EDGE back using the Enneagram

You didn't wake up one day and decide to play small. But somewhere between survival and success, you started shrinking. Shrinking your truth, shrinking your voice. Shrinking your edge. Maybe you call it burnout or boredom or just feeling off, but let me say what you already know deep down. You're not stuck because you're weak. You're stuck because you've been over identifying with the part of you that once kept you safe but is now quietly keeping you stuck. The habits, the stories, the protective patterns you built not to break. They worked. Until they didn't. And now they're running the show while the real you waits backstage, wondering when you're gonna take the damn mic back. You didn't lose your edge. You buried it. To belong. To be accepted, to keep the peace or play the role, or to stay in control. But your soul knows, it always knows. That the more you contort to stay inside the lines, the more you feel like a ghost in your own life. That's why you're here. Not for service level tips or another label to wear. You're here because something in you, the truest part of you, is ready to break pattern and come back to life. That's where the Enneagram comes in. Not as a cutesy little personality tool, but as a compass to show you the map of your wiring, your default patterns, your blind spots, your potential, and to call you into something deeper than behavior integration. This is about edge retrieval. And I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This work will strip you bare, but it will also rebuild you in truth. So if you're feeling flatlined, fractured, disconnected from who the hell you are, stay with me. You're not lost. You're not broken. You're just overdue to stop leading from protection and start living from integration. So let's get your edge back. Let's go. Hey. Hey. And welcome to the Enneagram Edge.

I'm your host, Tracy o'.

Malley.

Enneagram expert, leadership coach, recovering control freak, and your personal translator for the shit you keep repeating but don't totally understand yet. Now, if you're new here, buckle up. This is absolutely not another fluffy Enneagram podcast where we talk about how sweet it is to be an Enneagram, too, and bake cookies for your friends. No, this is the real deal. This show is about using the Enneagram as a tool for transformation. Not just information, and definitely not some party trick. Because knowing your type is cute. But embodying your highest expression, that is where your edge is.

Every week, I'm bringing you the Truth.

Behind the types and the hype. How to stop self sabotaging, lead like a damn legend and actually understand the people in your life without wanting to scream into a pillow.

Or if you're an enneagram8 like me, not throat punch someone.

We'll talk about leadership, relationships, business, healing, high performance, and why couples therapy isn't working. But fully understanding your Enneagram blueprint might just save your marriage. I'll drop solo episodes behind the curtain coaching, and the occasional rant when someone calls the Enneagram just a personality test. So if you're ready to stop playing small and start showing up with unshakeable clarity, confidence, and compassion for yourself and others, this is your space. You've got an edge. Now let's use it.

Hey. Hey. Welcome back. We're going to get real around here, which, you know, we always are. You're not stuck because you don't know what to do. You know, you're stuck because this default wiring keeps dragging you back into the same protective loops. And I know this one well. You know, like, you might, like me, have the receipts to show. Well, this has worked out for me. And in a lot of areas of your life, it has. I mean, survival, like, that's. That's to be championed. I mean, a lot of us have lived a lot of shit. And when we can say we survived that, why wouldn't we try to use that strategy, that wiring, to elevate ourselves? Because, after all, there was something very protective about survival and our coping mechanisms. And you've heard it before, not just for me, but out in the world. If you know all the little gurus out here, what got you here won't get you there. And it's true. And it's true. And what I love about the Enneagram, and not just my own personal work with it, is that it kind of gives you the map to understanding what those survival mechanisms are, how they've helped you and how they've hurt you. Right? I say this all the time. Like, each Enneagram type has their superpower, and it's only the superpower when it's coming from love, compassion, empathy, grace, service, and fun, right? And that same freaking superpower turns into the kryptonite in your life when it's coming from fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt, and ego. And if we're in survival mode or we've used it in survival mode, it can look very similar. And so that's why it can get confusing. And that's why I love the Enneagram as a map, as an atlas, as a compass, right? So that you always kind of know what that might look like. Now here's the hard part is we have to be able to be radically and compassionately honest with ourselves. Now, I know a lot of you have no problem being radically honest with yourself. However, most of you pull out the whipping stick when you are radically honest with yourself. And that keeps you stuck and stuck and stuck. Shame, judgment, criticism. Annihilating yourself with that stick will only keep you stuck further. Even if you, again, you have the screenshots, the receipts, the timeline to show that, well, when I beat myself up enough, it actually motivates me to do more. That's not sustainable. And I am betting if you were sitting with the four year old version of you that learned how to use some of these superpowers like Kryptonite, Kryptonite to survive, that you would have a totally different, different tone and a different approach to go about maybe pattern interrupting this stuff. And each Enneagram type has their own little comfort cage. That's why a lot of the stuff that you see out there might work for someone, but not for you. You know, if you're an Enneagram one, you cling to control and perfecting until your soul is strangled by the pressure to be right. If you're an enneagram 2, you cling to outside approval and being appreciated until are so booked up and you are filled with resentment because nobody can read your mind, right? And you can't do the things that you want to do. Even though you, you low key, sometimes high key, selfishly feel like your needs are selfish, right? Enneagram3 is chasing validation and not necessarily your vision, right? It's like, well, on paper this makes sense. Until that success feels like a prison built by applause. Enneagram Fours chasing this uniqueness of who am I? Who am I? And as long as you're in your little bubble, you're good. But the minute you look up and look at the rest of the world and you start comparing yourself and then you start contorting into something maybe you're not, and then depression hits. Yeah, that's a cage. Enneagram Fives. You know, I just need to know more, Give me more information, give me more knowledge, give me more resources until your brain feels like it's in a hamster wheel and you're operating like you have a virus, right? Like think about a computer like you have a virus that none of it makes sense. And then all of a sudden you Feel like you don't know jack shit. Enneagram6. Like, you scan for all the threats and you're always seeking ways to be more prepared. More prepared, more prepared. And then you start to forget what it means to even trust your own inner knowing. That intuition and. And seeking the evidence that, hey, when I didn't know all the answers, sometimes it did work out for me. Enneagra Sevens. Your cage is like, I want more opportunities and choices and freedom, and there's nothing wrong with that, right? Until, like, it gets boring for a moment, and then you never finish anything, and you don't feel like you can focus or nobody understands you or you're too much. That becomes your cage, my fellow Enneagram Eights. This need to protect the vulnerability at all costs. Putting the armor up, right, because that's where nobody can betray you or violate you. And then you wake up one day and you wonder, like, could anybody ever be strong for me? Could anybody ever have my back? And if you've got so much armor up, nobody's going to think you need any. Yeah. Enneagram Nines. Like, settling for peace and harmony in a temporary situation. Yet internally, you're pissed off because you. You feel like your voice doesn't matter or you're overlooked, right? These are all the cages that keep us stuck, based on our Enneagram type. And you can dress it up all you want, I promise you. You can call it loyalty, you can call it excellence. You can say, I'm being nice, I'm being strong, I'm being prepared. All the things I. You know, I. I have adhd. Like, all the things. All the things. But if your identity is wrapped into your own protection plan, you're not growing. You're not. You're staying stuck, and you're looping and looping. Feels like burnout, numbness, constant doubt, and secretly wondering. And I remember this very distinctly. 14 years ago. Is this all there is, right? You abandoned your edge, and you know it. And sometimes you came by it very innocently, like I did. And most of us do, right? And I remember not too far ago, you know, because as we grow, you know, new things come up. I was like, God, have I lost my edge? And am I ever going to get it back? And thank God for this atlas. Thank God for my understanding and integration of this navigation system in this compass, if you will. Because even though in my whole body, it felt like I have lost my edge, I knew how to get it back, and I knew the roads to take to do it. Now, the roads to take to do this sometimes for us is not the comfortable way. It isn't. And it sucks, because we really want the easier, softer way. But it's not how it works. It's not how you get your edge back, right? You didn't lose your edge. You abandoned it when you started prioritizing safety, success, approval, truth, or a combination of more than one or all of them. You made your smell, you made yourself smaller sometimes to fit in. Maybe you silenced yourself to stay safe. You performed a version of FINE because being real felt too risky. And one of my I, the acronym fine means feelings inside, not expressed. Right? So I love when. Whenever anybody tells me they're fine, I'm like, oh, really? Let's dive in, shall we? Including myself. I mean, I am the master and the queen of using the word fine. And I know why, right? Because of the atlas. I know, like, when I say I'm fine, it's because I don't want to be vulnerable. I feel like you could betray me if I let you in on something. Right? And again, for each enneagram type, the reason why behind fine is very, very different. Your edge, this is the thing, isn't the loudest part of you. And when people thought I had my edge, when I was, like, flexing and being tough girl Tracy, that's not where my edge is. The edge is in the parts of us that maybe aren't so obvious because we don't have to shout it from the roof, rooftops. When we're living on our edge, right? It's the truest part of. It's the part that holds clarity, not chaos. And so when we're kind of pumping up our chest, you know, for each enneagram type, that looks very different, that's usually not. When we're in our edge or on our edge or using our edge, it's usually like we're protecting the most beautiful parts of who we are. That holds clarity, right? We're protecting the part that holds clarity. Power, not pressure, truth. Instead of tap dancing around stuff. And when you forget who you are, the edge doesn't die. And I'm here to tell you, like, you know, I'm 53 years old, and the last year and a half, I thought maybe I lost my edge. I really, really did it because it looked different. The thing is, is I actually was living my edge. It was the more quiet, vulnerable parts, but on the outside, to myself. And what I've always thought my edge was, which was my intensity, which, trust me, it still is my edge. But the Come from, right? It's. It's the magic of the come from. And it. It doesn't die. It doesn't die. It's just waiting. And that's the good part, is it's waiting there patiently. It's doing push ups for you. But just like anything, if you don't use the muscle, it's going to atrophy a little bit. And it's buried under the layers of protection, perfection, fear, fatigue. And so you have to know how to access it. And the Enneagram can be the roadmap to accessing it and accessing it quick. Like I said, you can access it quick. It does not mean it's easy. You know, I'm so thankful the Enneagram became mainstream. Gosh, was it eight, nine years ago now? Which is what brought me out of my Enneagram closet after using it for five years. But it was being mainstream as cute and trendy and basic, and it pissed me off. It. Thank God it did. It pissed me off enough to bring me out of that closet. Because it isn't cute. It's a map back to who you were and who you are before life kicked you in the teeth a little bit. And if you're like me, life kicked you in the teeth pretty early. My earliest memory of getting kicked in the teeth that I very vivid, vividly remember was age 4. 4 years old. I have been abandoning myself a lot of times for survival. And so, again, compassionately, radically honest, Right? I had to at times in my life. And then it became the conditioning, and then it became the armor, and then it became the wrecking ball, right? So let me be crystal, crystal clear right now. If you're using the Enneagram to justify your behavior, you're not using it accurately. I always say this whenever I work with somebody or teams or groups. Any kind of situation like, this is a tool. This is a tool, and we can weaponize it if we're not careful. So we have to use it in integrity and with beautiful intent. Not just for other people or towards other people, but and also especially with yourself. This isn't about finding your Enneagram type and then saying, well, I'm an enneagram7. That's why I can't sit still or, you know, insert any of the other ones. This is about confronting some of these safety mechanisms. And the good news is you don't have to change a damn thing. Who you are, about who you are. Like, that was the most refreshing part of this. When I was confronted and found clarity with the Enneagram back, you know, almost 14 years ago now, is it allowed me to see where that wiring kept me safe and also stuck. And also how that same wiring when the come from was with love, compassion, empathy, grace, service, fun, innocence. It's when I really stepped into my power in a way that wasn't about the flex, right? This is about confronting your wiring. Wiring so you can finally lead yourself differently. And I'm going to tell you something. When you are leading yourself from this place, you are less exhausted. You aren't going energy bankruptcy. And at my age, I can't afford to lose any more energy. Honestly, my hormones, my sleep patterns, none of that can afford to lose any bit of energy. And when you are operating from your most divine, authentic, true self, from love, compassion, empathy, service, grace, fun and innocence, you will be in flow so much more. And that's where you'll be energized. The Enneagram gives you two paths, though. We have exertion, right? This is the path your type takes under pressure, right? It's not bad, but it's kind of like the warning lights. Like, okay, okay, we need some attention here. It's kind of like the warning lights on your car. You haven't broke down yet. However, if you kind of shove this under the rug or ignore it, or, you know, shut some things off on your car, eventually you're going to be caught in a place where it won't be convenient. Fun. We're cheap, right? And we are the same way. So exertion on the Enneagram, also in in some books and teachings is called stress. But I don't like to call it stress because stress has this negative connotation, right? It's like, I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to be stressed. But think about it. When we're working out and we stress out our muscles, yeah, it's going to hurt, it's going to break down, but it's going to grow, right? So exertion is like we're on the verge. However, we can shift this to work for us. We can leverage it, right? And then we have expansion. This is the version of you that doesn't need protection to feel powerful, right? But to get there, it can be kind of uncomfortable, right? This is the thing that doesn't come so natural for us. It isn't our protection plan. And if you want to know where your edge went, it got buried the moment you stopped choosing expansion and defaulted back to protection all the time. So getting your edge back isn't just a vibe, honestly. Like, it sounds cool and it's. I love the word edge. Like, you know, two words that describe me are edgy and elegant. And I love it because it's like contrasting, but I love it. Edge recovery isn't a vibe, it's a war room, honestly. Because we're constantly being confronted with things that make us not feel safe in order to do it. And depending on the things you've experienced, this, this can look drastically different from person to person. And that's why also, understanding the Enneagram and integrating what you know about it can be really helpful if you are in a position of empowering people, whether it's the people in your home or the people that you work with or the clients that you work with. Reclaiming your edge isn't about manifesting or vision boarding your way out of a rut. I'm telling you right now that that might be the end goal, but that's not the roadmap to get there. It's about walking into the hard, quiet places inside of you and calling your power back home again. Before life kicked you in the teeth a little bit. Because I know calling myself back into my home, honestly, for who I truly am here to be, was not safe in my home growing up. So that's where it can get really confusing for a lot of us. And again, that conditioning, that muscle memory, no joke. And it's super powerful. So here's how, right? First of all, you got to know your accurate Enneagram type. And if you haven't done my blueprint yet, go to tracyomalley.com, go to the Work with me section, get your blueprint. Honestly, you will have the right map then, and that is half the battle. You got to kind of know where you're going, right? If you're going to use this beautiful tool to accelerate transformation, to get back home to who you were before life kicked you in the teeth, you gotta understand your accurate enneagram type. Also, something cool that I've added because I realize not everybody can sit down with me for 90 minutes. Time, resources, whatever. You can get your blueprint, you'll get your own customized resource manual, if you will, from me. Created by me, not AI. Trust me, I love ChatGPT, but people will show me what Chachi BT has said about their about Enneagram. And it's inaccurate more often than not. Just so you know. So go get my blueprint. And also I have added an extra thing on there where if you Want to sit down and have me actually explain it in 30 minutes to you live? We go through the whole thing, and then you also get your little manual. But once you have your Enneagram type, you can understand the pattern, right? You know the pattern. You know your blind spot. And again, like, blind spots aren't a bad thing. They're a part of it. Like, we all have them. It doesn't mean we suck. It doesn't mean we didn't do the work. Right? Like, think about it. You drive a car every day. Most of us do. Right? And every time you get behind the wheel, if you're going to change lanes or you have to check your blind spot, if you don't check it, you're going to wreck it. Right? Enneagram, and using this tool is no different. You need to understand where you default, when you're scared, or when you don't feel safe. Seen certain, understood in control of some sort. And that's where the. The edge gets fractured a little bit, right? So you kind of have to heal that just like you would a broken bone burning the illusion. Right? Whose version of success are you performing for? Another reason why knowing your accurate Enneagram type is also really important. Because what success means and feels like and looks like to me is way different than an enneagram 3. And for the longest time, I was doing comparing myself, and I just use the Enneagram threes because you're welcome. We all want to be like you in a lot of ways. However, I do know the cost that comes with that. Right? You need to understand what success means for your Enneagram type. Like, for me, I used to think being strong and powerful in the flex, in the coping mechanisms, in the safety mechanisms was what success was. Spoiler alert. It's not for an enneagram 8. Success is vulnerability. And that's where all the power is. Right? But we had to. I had to understand that and I had to recalibrate what that meant, not just in understanding, but in integration. I'm choosing expansion over exertion, but also understanding that when you're exertion in exertion, you're on that. You're on the brink. You're on the brink of going over the edge. And how do we do that? Right? This is why. Understanding also your wings, which if you do the blueprint, you will have understanding of what that means for you. We. We have two wings. For those of you that are Enneagram literate and think like, oh, I'm a seven wing six. Like, yeah, you have a six wing, but you also have an eight wing, right? The wings are the superheroes of this thing that can really help you move from exertion into expansion constantly. And also help pull you out when the safety mechanisms are on high alert. And stop hiding in your type. Right?

There's levels of.

Of integration and levels of health within each Enneagram type. And again, this works like a compass. It doesn't have to have a bunch of shame attached to it. You don't have to beat yourself up, however, like, we gotta check it from time to time. It's just a compass, and it lets you know where you're at at any given time. And this is where the wings and. And understanding your. Your expansion and your exertion lines, what that will look like. And meeting yourself with that compassion and radical honesty so that you don't have to hide. The minute I stopped hiding behind, you know, the bravado and the ego and the manufactured power, the more that I was in my actual edge and actual power because I'm softer and more vulnerable and I'll still cut a if I have to, right? Like, that's what's cool about this. And, you know, one of the things I dislike most about the Enneagram, you know, landscape out there is like. And I love the memes and I'll do the. The Sharables on Social because they're cool and they're awesome and. But so many people stop at that, right? You're more than just your number. You're the full spectrum soul that needs to know how to wield it. Right? You need to understand your full framework. Because if I was just an eight, there's no way. I guarantee you, if I just operated in my eightness, there is no way. First of all, I'm the amazing mother that I am. There's no way I am the sacred place for thousands of people. There's no way I'm the loving, nurturing partner that I am. There's no way. I have the soul friendships I have. And you know, for the longest time, I was. And I. And I prided myself on this. I was always the strong friend. I was always the strong mom. I was always the strong, strong, strong, strong, strong. And trust me, I still am a lot of the time, but most of that was the armor to keep me safe and keep me in manufactured power. But it also left me feeling. Not connected, not feeling intimacy with anyone, including my own children, and so understanding how to wield that intensity for beautiful things. And also understanding that I'm Going to have to. To be a little scared from time to time to have the true power. And this is what you can do when you understand and integr the Enneagram. And once you understand yourself, my goodness, then you can branch out into those that you love. You lead your businesses, your clients, all the things. And you know, I'm going to give you another spoiler alert. I've been asked for a long time for this. And the Enneagram certification that I am doing is going to be off the charts. Not only are you going to learn the Enneagram the way that I teach it, but I'm going to show you how to use it with other people. So if you're not on my email list, go to tracyomally.com get on the email list so you don't miss a damn thing about when that's coming and it's coming soon. So very excited. So how do you burn the bridge back, right back to finding your edge? You weren't meant to blend in. You weren't made to be digestible, agreeable, or safe, even though temporarily. I know that sounds great, and I know that that creates a lot less disruption in your life. But legends, my friends, we're here to be disruptors. And not from a place of fear, insecurity, unworthiness, shame, guilt, or ego. I know I was very disruptive back when I was operating from those things, but that wasn't my edge, and that wasn't what made me amazing. Right? It doesn't mean that I don't disrupt now, but I don't have the agenda to disrupt to stay safe. I have the agenda to disrupt, to grow, to grow myself, to grow anybody that I love or lead along the way. You were made to lead. I know you were. And I know you were made to love and to live your whole life with your edge intact. Now, like I said, you know, if you're growing, we're gonna feel like we're flying over the edge or we've dulled our edge a little bit, and. And just know that's part of life. But how do we get it back? And that's where the magic happens. When we integrate this beautiful tool of the Enneagram into our life. And sometimes when we lead or love, it doesn't mean it's always easy. It doesn't. You know, I'm in a very committed, loving relationship right now, and it's like the most me I've ever been in a relationship. And it's really hard. You know, I've raised my Children, they're in their late 20s now, and it's still hard from time to time. It's. It's a different kind of truth that I had to love and lead with the clients that I work with. Oh my gosh, high powered CEOs, Fortune 100 companies hire me and bring me in and I have to disrupt a lot of shit sometimes. And in fact, I have helped them drastically change the landscape of their companies at times that doesn't come by being liked all the time. I am disruptive. But it's always, again, with beautiful intent, high integrity, and with nothing but the greatest good in mind. And it's only because I understand, know how to integrate this compass in my life and for those that I touch every single day. So that's why my certification will be great when, when it's available for you. So if you're sitting there wondering, and I know you are, because you're here listening, how the hell did I get here? It's not too late, I promise you. But it's time. I was 40 years old when I really like, it was the come to Jesus moment with that. And I know a lot of you are much younger than me, some of you are older than me. And it's never too late, whether it's in your parenting journey, your career journey, your relationship, your friendship journey. I promise you it's never too late to get your edge back and to reclaim your edge and to rewire the pattern and to stop making yourself smaller, to make everyone else more comfortable or even yourself. In some ways, you know, we temporarily make ourselves comfortable to feel safe, certain, secure, and in control. But we create the long term problem and, and the long. We. We create the long term problem which chips away at that edge. And I, I don't want that for you anymore. Because I promise you it. I promise you this. The edge is still in you. And the road back and the map and the compass and the atlas. You can have it in your hands and then you have to learn how to read it. And that's what I'm here for. And that's what I'm here for. I. You know, people will talk to me all the time about the Enneagram, and they ask me, do you ever get sick of talking about this? And the answer is no, never. You know, as a little girl growing up in the household I grew up in, it was beautiful in a lot of ways. And also, like, you never knew what you're going to get at any given moment. And I always was a reader of people and A reader of patterns and trying to understand what at any given moment was going to be presented to me. And so thankfully I have that gift. And I have some spiritual gifts too. If. If you know about the Claire's, then you know you know what I'm talking about. And if you don't look it up. But I can't even begin to tell you when the Enneagram was dropped in my life over a decade ago, how all of a sudden I was like, now I have a language to put to some of this and I have the. The actual atlas to show me. Not just for me, but then those that I loved and lead it along the way. So I want to remind you that you don't have to stay stuck. First of all, you have to be radically honest, that you are right and you have to be compassionately honest with yourself. You want to know what Stuck is? And I'll leave you with this stuck survival driven trauma, informed, unconscious to your life, conditioned and knowing better but not doing it it right. That's kind of what Stuck meets. And you don't have to stay there. And their Enneagram could be that road map out. And I am here to guide you through reading that map. So stuck doesn't feel fun. I don't like it. It makes me crazy sometimes. Like I said, the last year and a half, I felt very much stuck. It just felt different, right? And that's, that's the beauty in understanding this stuff is even though in my whole being and in my whole brain I was like, am I stuck? Am I stuck? Am I washed up? Is this all there is? But because I. I understand the map, I knew that it just felt different, not necessarily stuck. So I'm excited for more of you to learn the. The tool of the Enneagram and how to integrate it in your life for yourself, for those you love and lead again. Go to tracyomali.com to get all the information. I have a new website and it's pretty awesome. I love it. Also get on the email list if you haven't already, so you don't miss a damn thing. I been doing emails, which is a huge, huge new thing for me. I'm on the Instagram at Tracy Underscore o' Malley and if you love this episode, please share it with someone. And most importantly, please subscribe so you don't miss one little bit on how to get your edge back using the Enneagram. And as always, I'm super thankful for you. I know you have millions of different podcasts you can listen to and a lot of Enneagram people out there that are wonderful and all the things. But I know if you're here listening, you want to know how to use this freaking tool and get that edge up on your life. And I'm honored to be that guide for you. Until next time. And that's a wrap.

On today's Dive into the Edge.

If this episode hit you in the.

Gut or lit a fire under your ass good, that means it's working. Here's the deal. Transformation is not a checkbox. It's a damn decision. And the Enneagram, it's your ultimate power tool when you actually know how to use it. If you if you loved today's episode, share it with somebody who's ready to stop playing small subscribe, leave a review, and if you're really feeling brave, shoot me a message and tell me what cracked open for you. Remember, your edge isn't something to be polished down. It's part of you that was always meant to lead. Until next time, stay sharp, stay true.

And keep walking your edge.