EP430: The Real Work of Conflict : 5 Masterful Ways the Enneagram Makes You a Leader Who Doesn't Flinch

Let me tell you something most people won't. Conflict is not the breakdown. It's the access point, the mirror, the wake up call. And for most of you, it's the very thing you've been avoiding, manipulating or bulldozing your way through. And you call it communication. We've been taught that conflict means something is wrong. That someone has to be the villain. That leadership is about being composed, agreeable, or always getting along. But that's not leadership. That's actually performance. And it's costing you deeply. Because here's the truth. The way you show up in conflict reveals everything about you. Where you disconnect from yourself, where you armor up to avoid intimacy. Where your leadership lacks depth because you're more focused on being right than being real. And you may not even know it's happening. In this episode, I'm not going to give you surface level tips on how to communicate better. I'm actually going to give you five master level ways. The Enneagram helps you navigate conflict. Not just to fix it, but to use it. Because when you understand your default pattern, when you stop personalizing every reaction, when you hear the fear underneath the fight, when you can take radical responsibility without betraying your truth, and when you finally stop seeing conflict as something to survive and instead see it as the place you lead from and leverage it, you become unshakable in your business, your relationships, parenting, and in your damn presence. So let's go. Hey. Hey, and welcome to the Enneagram Edge. I'm your host, Tracy o'. Malley. Enneagram expert leadership coach, recovering control freak, and your personal translator for the shit you keep repeating but don't totally understand yet. Now, if you're new here, buckle up. This is absolutely not another fluffy Enneagram podcast where we talk about how sweet it is to be an Enneagram too. And bake cookies for your friends. No, this is the real deal. This show is about using the Enneagram as a tool for transformation. Not just information and definitely not some party trick. Because knowing your type is cute. But embodying your highest expression, that is where your edge is. Every week, I'm bringing you the truth behind the types and the hype. How to stop self sabotaging, lead like a damn legend, and actually understand the people in your life without wanting to scream into a pillow. Or if you're an Enneagram, ain't like me not throat punch someone. We'll talk about leadership, relationships, business, healing, high performance, and why couples therapy isn't working. But fully understanding your Enneagram Blueprint might just save your marriage. I'll drop solo episodes behind the curtain coaching, and the occasional rant when someone calls the Enneagram just a personality test. So if you're ready to stop playing small and start showing up with unshakeable clarity, confidence, and compassion for yourself and others, this is your space. You've got an edge. Now let's use it. Hey. Hey. Welcome back to this episode of the Enneagram Edge with Tracy o'. Malley. Hi. Hi. Hi. I joke a lot of the times that Enneagram Eights eat intensity for breakfast. And we're not necessarily afraid of conflict. And that's, you know, rooted in kind of my default patterns and, you know, what I deem as important to me as an enneagram 8. And a lot of times, it's why people avoid conflict. When you're dealing with somebody like me, it's like, oh, that's too intense for me. Let's avoid it. Right? And conflict is one of the fastest ways to expose what's actually true. Right? But it. Conflict gets a bad rap because usually we're operating in all of our dysfunction when we're in the middle of it, whether you're intense like me or somebody who'd rather, you know, avoid it or sweep it under the rug. So I love conflict now. Not from my dysfunctional place where I can flex, but more so because conflict, honestly, is one of the greatest opportunities for growth and transformation you could ever have. But because so many of us are operating in dysfunction, in it, we don't really get that. We're like, let's just let the dust settle. Let's get through this. What's cool about conflict and what I said, that it's one of the fastest ways to expose what's true and why I love it so much, because, like I said, we can move through these. These things because who you are, when you get triggered, that's the real you. Now, what you're triggered by may not. But when we can understand, like, what's at the core of the things that we fear, the things that motivate us, and not the curated version of us, Right? Not the one with the customer service voice, may I help you? Or the polished Instagram feed, the one who raises their voice, the one who disappears, the one who turns it on and puts on the show. And instead of actually being present and the part that most people miss, you're usually not responding to what's actually happening. Now you're reacting from the unhealed, unexamined, or overdeveloped parts of yourself that got hardwired early on. And this is, you know, we have our Enneagram, divine wiring versus our experience that kind of change the expression of our wiring. And my goal, especially in conflict, since it is such a beautiful opportunity for transformation, innovation, all the things, is we can use the wisdom of our experience and our divine wiring to leverage that conflict for something great. Because the Enneagram helps you see all of this with unflinching clarity. So you don't just navigate conflict. You can lead and leverage it right through it. All right, so today we're going to go into five of the masterful ways that the Enneagram makes you a leader that doesn't flinch when it comes to conflict. Right? And part of this is very much what we go over in my Edge formula, Level one that I am starting in September. If you've ever wanted to learn the Enneagram and become masterful in it or even take it to the next level, level one begins September 3rd. Doors are open. And if you're on my email list, you know, you got a special code for the inaugural. You can always DM me or send me an email to get that if you don't know what I'm talking about. This is going to be amazing. And conflict resolution is one of the greatest gifts that the Enneagram brings to any situation. And I'm talking personally, professionally, internally. Right. You know, in our relationships, in our families, in our parenting, in our friendships, in our businesses, in our workplaces, in our mentorship, in our clients, and especially within ourselves. Like, the conflict resolution within ourselves, I think is probably one of the hardest parts, because most of it's kept under top secret. Nobody sees that conflict as much as you do when you look in the mirror. So these five beautiful ways the Enneagram can make you bulletproof and amazing and have the ability to leverage conflict and conflict resolution like a boss. So, number one, know the pattern beneath the problem. Right? This is part one of my Edge Formula 2. The E is examining your operating systems. Right. So, and. And with the work that I do with so many groups and teams and organizations, like, I ask a lot of questions that kind of get to the root of things, because a lot of times when people are coming to me, it's with the problem, it's with the pattern. But it's like when we know what's underneath it at the roots, we can really kind of get to the heart of manners. And this makes people feel seen, heard, understood, and valued at a faster rate, including yourself. And earns you credibility and trust, knowing the pattern beneath the problem, because you're not reacting to the moment, you're reacting to the meaning your body assigned to it, maybe even decades ago, right? So before you ever say a word in conflict, your enneagram type kind of has already written the script and the enneagram exposes the pattern that gets triggered long before the conversation even starts, right? So when I, I'm dealing with other Enneagram types and I can tell, obviously I kind of know what I'm looking for. So that when, you know, the problem arises, I get to the heart of matters very soon. And you know, think about this on a productivity, like I said, credibility, culture, building, all of this. It's really, really important because a lot of times you think you're arguing about like the deadline, the tone, the misunderstanding, the approach, but what's actually happening is you're reacting from your Enneagram types kind of conditioned response to fear, vulnerability, loss of control, worthiness, right? For some, that looks like taking over and escalating the situation. Hello, Enneagram eights like me. For others, it's shrinking or appeasing. And for many, it's checking out entirely while pretending to be fine, I'm fine, it's fine. Fine means feelings inside, not expressed. By the way, these reactions aren't conscious. Usually we don't even recognize we're doing it. But they are deeply rooted and sometimes very well rehearsed. So I want to break down by centers of intelligence instead of going through the all nine types, because you can, you can not know somebody's enneagram type and kind of see where they fall in this. So for my instinctual types, my eights, nines and ones, we react to things with instinct, right? What is happening now? What do I need to do about it? So sometimes that might mean we explode, we freeze, or we avoid, right? For the heart types, the enneagram twos, threes and fours, you react with emotion and a heart. What do I feel about this and what has happened, right, in the past? So you can over identify, perform, or withdrawal or a combination of these three, the head types or the thinking types, the five sixes and sevens. What do I think about this and what could happen, right? You guys are forward thinkers. You react with thought. You can detach, spin out, or distract or a combination of those. So what mastery might mean in this is you start to catch the pattern in real time, right? Not in hindsight. You pause before the, the reaction or the reflex takes over. And from that space you could create A different outcome. And, you know, catching this in myself because I am very reactionary, naturally, and that's why I'm great. And also could be the bulldozer in my life and the. The wrecking ball in my life. It's understanding, like, especially when I feel a problem arising, I know kind of what my motive might be and what fear might come up when I'm dealing with said problem. And it allows me to not only catch myself before I blow up the place, but also get outside of myself and kind of look at the other person or party's part in this in a good, compassionate way. Okay. Number two, stop making it personal. Right. And start making it useful. I say this all the time in the work that I do with other people. I know it feels really personal, and it usually isn't now. It doesn't take the stake off of it. It doesn't mean that it's fair all the time. I get that. Right. But usually when it feels personal, most of the time it's really even not right. Their reaction isn't a reflection of your worth. It's a window into their wiring. And this is a beautiful opportunity to have compassion, even when it feels really personal. And I had a situation a couple years ago with a former friend who did me really, really dirty. And it felt really personal. And in fact, publicly, it looked very personal. And also, even though for about two minutes, I really wanted to annihilate that person, I went to understanding that it isn't personal. I understand this is a reflection of how this person feels about themselves, about their. That they've been through. And I get it, and I understand it, and I'm kind of being projected upon and all the things. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less. Right. Mind you, however, I don't have to go into this whole cycle of, you know, blowing the place up, up or doing things. I. I am responsible for doing the work around the grief, the pain, the hurt, whatever, the anger that I felt around that. But I made it useful instead of making it personal. Right. So most of us collapse in conflict because we assign meaning to the other person's behaviors and reactions. And we do make it personal again. We assume their anchor means we're unsafe. Their silence means we're unworthy. Their withdrawal means we're being punished. Right. But the Enneagram teaches us to translate, not to absorb this. If you get nothing else out of this episode, that is it. Right? Everything is. We can. We can have deeper, compassionate understanding when we use this as a map and A compass to translate rather than to absorb meaning behind stuff that isn't as personal as we make it. It gives you the language of motivation underneath behavior, right? And when you understand who's in front of you, you stop reacting to what they're doing and start asking why. Maybe not to them, you know, like. Like I said with that example, that person absolutely was in an unwilling, unable space to ever recognize their part. And also you can heal and move through it and make this useful without their participation. So start asking why underneath. Not to annihilate yourself maybe, but to get curious and this will help you. Like I've used that scenario that was very one of the most top three painful experiences of my life. And I've been able to use that for something beautiful because I got really curious. This wasn't me sweeping it under the rug. This wasn't me taking blame. That wasn't mine. This wasn't me annihilating that person, right? We're making it useful. And again, this is not about co signing shitty behavior, I promise you. I, I don't co sign or sign off on anybody's bullshit. However, it's about recognizing that everyone has kind protection strategy and knowing that can change the game on how useful this part of conflict becomes for you. Conflict filters by the centers of intelligence. So the instinctual centers, the eights, nines and ones, feel disrespected sometimes are out of control when things feel personal. So they'll use power or withdrawal or control to try to stabilize that. So when I see one of these types kind of being in that. I was just on a call with one of my corporate clients and their teammate who's an enneagram one was being very critical and. And I know there's something else going on in their life and I brought that. I was like, this might be what it's actually about, right? And that kind of diffuses situations. Again, not co signing her behavior, that was kind of shitty, but it can help us get to the root of things faster. Now, the heart center, the twos, threes and fours usually feel emotionally unsafe when things get personal, right? So they'll either seek out more validation, pick me energy, right? Or they'll hide the hurt and shove it down. Hello, Any grab threes or perform to kind of get that piece. The thinking center does the five sixes and sevens. When they feel uncertain or unsupported in this personal situation, which that former friend was in this center, they spin into questions, they over explain, they exit emotionally, right? That over that over explaining and over planning kind of was what was happening. So what does mastery mean when it feels really personal, even though you know it's not? It's one thing to understand it, like, knowing it and operating from that are two totally different things. Because when you're in the heat of it, I get how challenging it it is. It's a lot easier said than done. But I'm telling you, you master this part of conflict resolution, it is a freaking game changer. Because mastery means you don't make their coping about you, and you get curious instead of combative. And from that place, you lead the moment. And in that situation, like this was over three years ago, that that kind of went down. And because I wasn't combative and because I wasn't into this feels really personal. And it is personal. Even though whatever the leadership that has come from me, operating from curiosity and compassion instead of that combativeness and the revenge and the being right all the time, I've been able to lead in ways that I couldn't have imagined to people that I wouldn't have imagined. So, again, this is about leveraging conflict, not being buried by it. All right, number three, listen to the fear beneath the fight, right? People don't fight about facts. They. They fight about feelings, and they fight to feel safe. Right? And what. What safe means to each Enneagram type can look really, really different. Because conflict is never, ever just about what's said. Never. It's about what's not said. It's about the fear underneath the emotion. And most people don't have the language to articulate that fear. Or if they did, maybe they have an experience where that didn't get received well, or it wasn't safe. They show instead tough tones, defensiveness, silence, stonewalling, urgency, or compassion completely shut down. And the Enneagram can teach you to listen beyond the surface reaction and ask, what is this person trying to protect? What are they afraid will happen if they don't react this way? Yeah. This one again, when you're heated and activated, this is really hard to do. And this is why, like, the way I teach the Enneagram is so masterful, because it's more than just learning people's Enneagram types. And this is cute. And all the things, it's this right here. It's the roadmap to conflict resolution, which is one of the most, most important skills you can have as a parent, as a partner, as a friend, as a leader. Okay? Because before you ever say a word in conflict, your Enneagram type kind of has already written that script, right? And this skill alone can completely change, like I said, your parenting, your partnership, and your leadership. So what this might look like for each center of intelligence, my instinctual centers, eights and nines and ones, again, they have this fear of being powerless, right? Like that's the big fear. Losing their autonomy, independence and control. They feel disrespected or wrong. So that's kind of what's happening, right? That's why sometimes, you know, eights will hold on to the power. The nines will shut down completely. The. The ones will get critical, right? But when you understand that in the case I was just talking about with my corporate client, we were dealing with an Enneagram one and fear of being wrong. So they'll hold on to that, right? And I knew that, like, that's the fear underneath there. So how can we speak to that compassionately versus like telling somebody they're wrong? For the heart center, the fear is being unloved or unsignificant or unappreciated, right? Or disposable, unseen. For the head center, the five sixes and sevens, the core fears of being unprepared, trapped, abandoned, and without information. So what mastery means when we're dealing with the fear beneath the fight is you hear the fear, not just the fight, and you stop reacting to the defense mechanisms and start responding to kind of the. The internal messaging. And that wounding that's underneath because this hyper expression of it is like some wounds that haven't been healed or been heard. Okay, so number four, taking responsibility and accountability without losing yourself. Some types take over responsibility, right? Some don't take any responsibility at all when. When shit's hitting the fan. Because you can own your impact without abandoning your truth. And me, you know, as an enneagram 8 in the past, like, I would fight to the death, right? But that, that is losing myself, right? That doesn't make things more effective, right? I can own my impact and my intensity without abandoning the truth behind it, right? But I have to kind of understand what's happening. So let's get real here. Responsibility is not, again, about apologizing your way out of discomfort or sweeping it under the rug or co signing anyone else's bullshit, okay? Taking responsibility is not saying I take all of it, right? I've said this before. There's always. It always takes two, right? In any situation, even if you've done dirty. So like that, that ex friend of mine, she did me so, so dirty. Not condoning that at all. And also, I Could see where she was to her breaking point based on my actions. Okay. And maybe my disconnect from her because I was feeling like this is not going where I needed to go. This is not, you know, and so instead of saying, you know, I think this relationship has run its course, I start to energetically pull back, which creates a fear response for that person. And then it became appeared to be personal. Right? So this is how taking responsibility is. Like, I'm not saying doing me dirty the way you did was okay. However, I can see how it got to that. Okay. And it's not about holding the line so hard that you become emotionally unavailable, which is kind of what I was doing in that situation. Right? Like, I was like, okay, this is not where I need this to go. And the enneagram can show you how to build duality in conflict. One of my favorite things is the word. When I'm working with people, we. We stop using the word. But. Right. Because that kind of negates the. The prior part. Both can be true at the same time. She did me dirty and I had a part in it. Right. This client of mine is very frustrated with one of her co workers and she is being unreasonable and uncompassionate. Right? So understanding this word and, and the duality of this, especially in conflict, will be a game changer in your relationships, your marriages, your parenting, your co working, your client work, your entrepreneurship, all the things. Right. You know, that wasn't my intention. And I see how it landed, right? Like, because I. I've heard a lot of people say, well, I didn't intend for it to say that way. And they don't put in the. And. And I can see how that landed part. Right. I can take accountability without collapsing into shame. I can be in integrity and be open to repair. See how both are true. That duality is so important. And this is where your edge as a leader gets so real. When you can stay open and honest at the same time. So what this might look like repair reflexes by centers of intelligence. My eights, nines and ones in the instinctual center may resist being wrong, right? And they need. They need to have permission to soften that a little bit. We could have been wrong. And we have points to make. You know, the twos, threes and fours in the heart center may over own to preserve the connection, right? Because those types are motivated by a form of significance, right? So the twos, threes and fours, the heart center need to ground in truth. Right? You can, you can not accept certain behavior without Taking without being unkind or taking all the responsibility. And then my head center, the five sixes and sevens made distance from the emotion altogether. And my five sixes and sevens need to stay present in their body. And that can be uncomfortable because you never know what you're going to get sometimes. So what does mastery mean when it mean when it comes to taking responsibility without losing yourself, you don't swing between people pleasing and defensiveness. And you hold. You hold on to your center and you lead from that. This has been one of the biggest game changers in my life is the power of and right the responsibility without losing yourself. Thanks. Recovery. You know, I learned a lot of that and kind of what that looked like without this language. All right, number five, finally let conflict shape you, not shame you. Right? Some of the biggest conflicts in my life, I would of course bury myself under shame. And when you do that, you stay stuck. Even if that situation is over, another one just like it is going to come up. Same package, different wrapping paper, Right? Conflict isn't a character flaw. It's the fire. It's the actual fire that forges your edge. And if you avoid conflict, you avoid the very things that could make you powerful. Because conflict shows you where you still kind of perform. And when I'm going through teaching the Enneagram again, if you want to learn the Enneagram from a masterful way, my first cohort starts September 3rd. You can go to the website Tracy O' Malley.com. you can email me, you can hit me up at the DMs. I would love for you to be a part of this. And we talk about this also like that. That conflict shows you where you still perform, where you still protect, where you still shrink. Right? And the Enneagram, when used with intention and integrity, helps you build the capacity to stay in the fire without burning everything to the ground or keep. Keeps you from avoiding the fire altogether. Because this is where your presence and your ability to stay in it and. And own it and move through it. This is where you become the most powerful part of you. Because when we stay in shame, we're gonna stay stuck. And where you shift from managing people like to transforming cultures. Like culture is one of the number one reasons why people will leave. If it's. There's a shitty culture, shitty environment, shitty marriage, shitty relationship, shitty friendship. That's part of the culture. When you can transform a culture like we can do beautiful things together. So this is really important that we use this conflict to shape us so we don't stay in that cycle, all right? And this is where the work no longer is just reactionary. It's responsive, it's resilient, and it's rooted. And this is where people feel safe. This is where you earn credibility and trust. And when you have credibility and trust, people pay you, and people love you and people admire you and people trust you. And this is a beautiful thing. This is why conflict is the greatest opportunity for growth and transformation in your life. So what does this look like? The invitation by center. Okay, for my instinctual center, the eights, nines, and ones stay open when you want to shut down or dominate. That one's really hard for me, not gonna lie, right? You especially, my internal conflict. Like, I might not be in conflict with other people, and you might not either. But what conflict within yourself also, right? For my twos, threes, and fours, staying grounded when you feel misunderstood or exposed. And for my five sixes and sevens, the head center stay embodied when your mind wants to take the wheel and drive, right? So what? Mastery means the role of letting conflict shape you rather than shame you. This means you let the conflict refine you and not define you. I say, I've said this for over a decade. The thing that you think defines you is actually the thing refining you and qualifying you. And you come out of it more integrated and more. Not more armored, right? We want conflict to not shut you down. And I think this is beautiful to end with this on number five, because when that went down with that friend of mine and she did me really, really dirty, natural instinct was to armor up. And within five minutes of that happening, my. My prayer, my intention, my call out to a higher power, to God, to the divine, was like, please, please, please keep my heart wide open and not armor down. Let this shape me into a better friend, mother, partner, leader. And it has. And so I'm a walking, talking billboard for these five things that when you can master this, I'm telling you, you become a leader and a lover in ways that you cannot imagine. So, you know, most of you were taught how to do. Weren't taught how to do conflict. You were taught to either fear it, dominate it, or abandon yourself inside of it. But when you know kind of what's happening in your patterns and how they play out, and when you see it clearly and you don't judge it and you're curious about it, you stop being reactive and you start becoming radically, radically effective. Because the enneagram doesn't just show you who you are in conflict. It gives you the pathway to who you are at your best level. And that's why I built the certification program after many, many years of procrastinating and fearing it. You know, it's a level of vulnerability that I was afraid of and had questioned myself. And I had to go through all of this conflict resolution within myself to bring it to light. And I would love for you to be part of it. And, you know, one isn't if you want to be some Enneagram coach, it's for anybody who just wants to learn the Enneagram at a masterful way from the master herself, if I do say so myself. So, again, go to Tracy O' Malley.com the work with me section, or there's a tab that says certification again. Hit me up on Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, any of the things. And if this episode cracks something open in you, please share it. It's how more people are finding this beautiful show. And a lot of the beautiful, beautiful referrals I have have come from this show because you share it. So it means a lot to me when you do that, that you believe in the work that I do. Talk about it with people you've been bumping up against, too. It's why the partner and couple work that I do is so powerful. Because this, all this comes to the table when I do partner, couple, and, you know, group work, which that's level three of my certification, too, which we go into it deep. It's so cool. Bring this into your boardroom, into your marriage, bring it into your next hard conversation. And how. How you've always done things maybe transforms in a way that, you know, conserves your energy, gives you more clarity and a lot more peace, right? And if you're ready to master this not just for yourself, but the people you lead and love, like I said, tracyomalley.com you can get your Enneagram blueprint or just come with Train. Come train. All this with me, where we go deep into this. Because this, this is the real work. And I know you were built for it. I love you guys. I'm so grateful for you. And we'll see you soon. And that's a wrap on today's Dive into the Edge. If this episode hit you in the gut or lit a fire under your ass, good, that means it's working. Here's the deal. Transformation is not a checkbox. It's a damn decision. And the Enneagram, it's your ultimate power tool when you actually know how to use it. If you loved today's episode, share it with some friends who's ready to stop playing small. Subscribe, leave a review, and if you're really feeling brave, shoot me a message and tell me what cracked open for you. Remember, your edge isn't something to be polished down. It's part of you that was always meant to lead. Until next time, stay sharp, stay true, and keep walking. Your edge.