EP431: The Edge of Integrity: How the Enneagram Calls You Out and Pulls You Back

You know that moment? The one where your stomach flips, your throat tightens, and you pretend not to notice because naming the truth would mean something has to change. That's the moment you slip out of integrity. Not because you're a liar, but because staying true would cost more than you're ready to pay approval. Comfort. Control, image. So you trade a little piece of yourself to keep things clean. But it's not clean. It's quiet chaos. It's bitterness behind the smile. It's burnout disguised as discipline. It's shape shifting your way through life and calling it strength. I'm not here to teach you how to be better at holding it all together. Honestly. I'm here to call you back to what's real. To what's yours. To the version of you who doesn't need to pretend, posture, or perform to feel powerful. That version, I promise you, you're still in there. And the Enneagram isn't here to label you. It's here to liberate you. To show you the exact places you lose yourself and the map to get back. So if you've been feeling off, if you've been trying to outrun that gnawing sense of something's not lining up, this is your invitation to stop gaslighting yourself and start leading like you actually remember who the hell you are. Hey. Hey.

And welcome to the Enneagram Edge. I'm your host, Tracy o'.

Malley.

Enneagram expert leadership coach, recovering control freak, and your personal translator for the shit you keep repeating but don't totally understand yet. Now, if you're new here, buckle up. This is absolutely not another fluffy Enneagram podcast where we talk about how sweet it is to be an Enneagram, too, and bake cookies for your friends.

No, this is the real deal.

This show is about using the Enneagram as a tool for transformation, not just information, and definitely not some party trick. Because knowing your type is cute, but embodying your highest expression. That is where your edge is. Every week, I'm bringing you the truth behind the types and the hype. How to stop self sabotaging, lead like a damn legend, and actually understand the people in your life without wanting to scream into a pillow. Or if you're an enneagram8 like me, not throat punch someone. We'll talk about leadership, relationships, business, healing, high performance, and why couples therapy isn't working. But fully understanding your Enneagram blueprint might just save your marriage. I'll drop solo episodes behind the curtain, coaching, and the occasional rant when someone calls the Enneagram just a personality test. So if you're ready to stop playing small and start showing up with unshakable clarity, confidence and. And compassion for yourself and others, this is your space. You've got an edge. Now let's use it.

Hey. Hey there. And welcome back to the Enneagram Edge. Today's gonna hit a little bit different because we're not just talking about self awareness. We're talking about self honoring. And that's a phrase that I use a lot. You know, the self love. I gotta love myself more. I need to care. You know, self care. And depending on how you grew up and what was taught, told, and modeled for you, you might have a skewed sense of self love and self care. So self honoring is something that there's no gray area with. You're either honoring yourself or not. And so we're talking about integrity and that kind that doesn't just make you trustworthy to the world, but also to yourself. Right. And magnetic to yourself. First of all, I have had this stuffy nose. I think I have a deviated septum. So if you have any kind of help with that, I would greatly appreciate it because I'm sure that hearing my nasally voice is not the most appealing thing. But the show must go on. So today I wanted to start with something that most of us saw this last week. You know, that Coldplay concert clip that's been making the rounds. Like gazillions of people have seen it. And you know, there's lots of opinions on it. I mean, there's been lots of memes on it. And I get the humor in some of it and I also get the pain in a lot of it. If you are on my email list, which you should be, I said sent out a beautiful, soulful Sunday email this, this last Sunday about that and how I went to jail. Little spoiler alert. I probably will write a podcast post, I'm sorry, a blog post on it, because it was really, really powerful. But I wanted to touch on that because, you know, when we saw the clip, you know, you saw the couple, you know, it looked like a romantic moment. And fun fact, I've been on a kiss cam before. Not like that. It was a beautiful, endearing moment. But you know, you get caught by surprise and it's a little awkward at first, even in a non scandalous kind of situation. And you know, it was a kiss cam. The face lights up and then holy. The holy moment, you know, and the Internet does what the Internet does with it. And, you know, her face collapses in real time, and the world watched it unfold like a huge gut punch. And now, I promise you, this episode is not about gossip, and it's not about finger pointing. It's about what that moment represents. Right? Because integrity doesn't crumble all at once. It leaks, right? In those moments where you abandon your truth to stay comfortable. And not just in relationships either, like business, leadership, parenting. And yes, how you treat yourself when no one is watching. And I say this with no judgment because I have been there. I wasn't caught on a jumbotron like that, out of integrity, But I have absolutely betrayed my own integrity. And, you know, in relationships, not like that, but, you know, on how I treat people, not with malice, but a lot of times with justification. It's like, well, if you wrong me, you know, you know I'm going to wrong you. And I've stayed silent when I should have spoken. I've kind of flexed when I was falling apart. I've said yes when my soul was screaming no. And why? Because I thought it was noble, right? And because I didn't want to be seen as weak or difficult or messy. And because I didn't maybe trust that who I was, the raw and real part of me, was actually enough. And it cost me a lot. Not just energy or opportunity. It cost me myself a lot of the times and my peace and my clarity and my sense of alignment. And, you know, I had a similar situation. Not on a Jumbotron and not, you know, as ridiculous. This happened back before, like the Internet was the Internet the way it is today. But this was, like 17 years ago. I found myself in a situation of betrayal that was kind of public to my inner circle and very humiliating to me. And being in integrity, you know, when people aren't in integrity with us, it doesn't give us permission to be out of integrity to them. Right. You know, an eye for an eye kind of thing. And back 17 years ago when this happened for me, I did not have any of the tools I have today or the restraint or the power of the pause button. I'm a reactionary, naturally person. Hello, Eddie and Graham Eights. You know, I'm a naturally reactive person. And so I've had to work really hard to build this muscle of responding and pausing and things like that. And I think a lot of times when people operate out of integrity with us, you know, we can go below the belt, we can go low. I see it a lot in the couples that I work with, you know, the emasculation the, you know, I'm gonna, you know, two wrongs don't make a right. I know everybody just eye rolled, right? Because how many of your parents have said that to you or you've heard that before? And it's true, though. It's true, though. And today, well, before I get to today, you know, back 17 years ago when that happened to me, I mean, I was filled with so much rage and I had vengeance in my heart, in my mind, and I operated out of integrity in ways that, like, you know, I said about the father of my kids, to my kids, I withhold finances. I, you know, lock down a bank account. I'm not saying that there weren't parts of me that were justified in doing that, but it was more for vengeance rather than what was the right thing to do. And it kind of ended with me, you know, punching him in the face and going to jail for 29 hours. And I have a mug shot out there somewhere. Props for those of you that can find it. But I haven't been able to find it, but it's true. And I spent 29 hours in Maricopa County Jail, you know, in a cell of 27 women in a 10 by 10 room. And it was terrible. And I almost got into a fight in jail. And you know, that's, that's a story for another day, right? And honestly, like, even though in my heart I felt justified to punch him in the face and I felt justified for all the vengeful things I was doing and the, the scathing words I used against him. I was out of integrity. And it only hurt me, it only hurt my kids. It only hurt some things in my future. And, you know, today I do things a lot differently. You know, I still get activated, honestly. And in the last, especially five years, I've been betrayed with hurts that felt just like that did 17 years ago. Now, it wasn't a marriage or a romantic partnership, but people that I held that sacred to me, betrayed me, and trust me, I still feel the, the strong pull to self protect, to bulldoze, to shut it all down, to, you know, pump my chest and flex, to, to get vengeance. But the difference today is I don't let that version of me take the wheel anymore, you know, because I've built something stronger than that, that comfort. I've really built up this integrity muscle. And it's not just when people activate me. This is in the decisions I make, in the people that I follow and the opportunities that I say yes to. I mean, I've had some opportunities come my way that on paper, people would be like, what the fuck? Why would you say no to that? And it's like, I don't feel like this opportunity is an integrity. And, you know, if, if we turn a blind eye to some of these things, like I did in the past, and just because it can get me somewhere, it's going to show up again, right? It's going to catch up to me somehow, and it's going to catch up to you. And what does the Enneagram mean in all of this? Because it's not just personality framework to me, honestly. It's my internal compass and it shows me where I'm drifting and how to come back home, right? Because the Enneagram is this beautiful framework, this. And we all have our home base. And I know where my home base is and I know where my core fears are and my core motives are. And that does not change. Now, how that gets expressed out in the world absolutely changes by things that happen, by things that come up, by, you know, outside forces, right? And as an Enneagram, I used to think that being in integrity meant being untouchable, you know, unbreakable, bulletproof. I mean, my, my podcast five and a half years ago, when I first started was called Becoming Bulletproof. Now I think you can become bulletproof, but that doesn't mean that you're untouchable, right? Like, think about it. People that work wear bulletproof vests. They take the hits, they go down, but it doesn't have to take you out, right? But I've learned that integrity doesn't mean being unbreakable. It means being unshakably honest with myself and you first. So now when the urge to self sabotage or, or flex comes in, I pause, I breathe, I get curious instead of reactive. And I ask, is this the truth or is this me protecting myself? Is this me trying to flex? So what does integrity really mean, right? What it actually is. It's not perfection, it's not performance, it's not, you know, pretending that everything's fine when it's not. It's not like being the better person all the time. Because a lot of times we'll use that as I'm just the better person. But underneath, you know, I, I, in that situation, in my marriage 17 years ago, you know, to the public, I looked like I was being the better person in a lot of things, but underneath, like I was doing all these conniving things to really dig and hurt and, and all the things, right? Integrity means alignment. And now I Hesitate to even use that word. Because in this whole spiritual personal development world, I hear it's not in alignment. And we use that as an excuse, justification, or it's. But it's when your values and your voice and your actions all match, right? Because a lot of times somebody will say it's not in alignment, but behind the scenes, they're doing dirty, right? Like I was 17 years ago. Again, not judging. You know, this is a call up and a call out for yourself so that you can be in integrity. Because when you are in integrity in all areas of your life, things flow. The relationships are solid, the kids do well, they build confidence. You know, opportunities come, all the things, right? And alignment and integrity also. Excuse me. It's when you are kind of backstage, who you are backstage is the same as who you are on stage, right? And I've been in this world enough to see. I've seen many, many people on stage. I've been surrounded by many, many people on the stages that a lot of you might hold in high regard. And I've seen them backstage, and it ain't pretty, y'. All. But when you're in that flow, when who you are backstage is the same as who you are on stage. And this is probably one of the things I'm most proud of myself for, is that is true for me. And when you are in it, you feel it, right? Your nervous system is settled, your energy expands. You don't outsource your worth. You stop second guessing your truth. Because you're not just doing what's expected, you're doing what's true for you. Now, this could create conflict, right? And this could disrupt your life sometimes because it isn't always well received. You know, be doing things in Integrity ruffles some feathers sometimes. If you haven't listened to episode 430 from last week, the one right before this, on how to resolve conflict using the Enneagram, when you are in Integrity, like, those tools will come into play too, right? So I want to talk about the Enneagram and Integrity. Some warning signs and course corrections for each Enneagram type. Because you may not even know you're out of Integrity, right? I. When I was in my Flex mode as an enneagram 8, 17 years ago, I really. There were times I really thought I was in integrity, right? Because my motive is being strong and powerful. Now, my measuring stick for what was strong and powerful was really fucked up, right? So we're going to get into it how each, any Enneagram type might slide out of Integrity and how to come back to your edge, your truth, and your alignment. So for my Enneagram ones, the reformers, the strict perfectionist, how you might be out of integrity is when you weaponize your inner critic and lose touch with compassion, not just for yourself, but for other people. I notice a lot of Enneagram ones, when they are out of integrity with themselves, they'll project that out with criticism and judgy, like, I call y' all Judge Judy when that's happening. Um, so how you get realigned is letting go of being right and coming back to being real, which is really hard sometimes for an Enneagram one, because your core motive is being in control by being good and right. And if you have to admit you're wrong, like, that feels like death to an Enneagram one. But when you're out of integrity, it's gonna feel like death anyway. For my Enneagram twos, the considerate helpers, what out integrity might look like is when you give to get and call it love or service or being a good person. Now, this is a sneaky one for Enneagram twos, and this is where that justification could come into play. But your body feels this. Your whole soul feels this. The resentment that piles up feels when you're out of integrity, when you're saying, yes, I could do that, but inside you're going, well, it'd be nice if somebody did this for me or if I didn't do it, nobody else would do it, right? So how twos can realign is knowing that your needs matter too. And boundaries are a form of honesty, and boundaries are a form of care and self honoring, quite honestly. And you make the people around you better when that's happening. Now, I'm not going to convince you that it feels good when it's happening, because it doesn't. However, when you operate in integrity, you will have a lot less resentful moments and you won't feel taken advantage of. And all the things. All right, enneagram3 is the competitive achievers, how you guys can get out of integrity in a sneaky way, and sometimes not so sneaky is when your image leads and your soul follows, right? Like how people perceive you, how you appear, how you perform, how you achieve, how you look to the outside world. I see this happen a lot for enneagram3, mostly in this entrepreneurial space. It's like I got across the finish line and I'll bulldoze anything in my path to get it, including the things that matter most to me, right? So how does a 3 realign when they're out of integrity? This is a tough one, right? You got to drop the mask and speak from the mess and not around it. And everything for a three is about significance and what they do with how they appear and how they achieve. So that can feel really vulnerable. Again, I'm not saying any of this is easy, but integrity and alignment is like the holy Grail for my Enneagram Fours, the individualists or the romantic. How you get out of integrity is when emotional intensity overrides this grounding presence that you have. When I see I'm in a relationship with a force, so I see this a lot, right? It's like, I gotta feel something. I gotta feel something. So they almost stir the pot instead of being in tune with themselves. And even if it's different from everyone else. And so how A4 can realign is anchor in the now. You're not your mood, right? Like, you could have a moment, but that's not who you are. It's tough for an enneagram 4. For the enneagram 5 is the quiet specialist or the investigator. How you guys get out of integrity is when you withhold truth and wisdom to feel safe, right? Because everything about an enneagram 5 is by having certainty and knowledge, information. And when you share your knowledge and information, part of you might feel like that's leaking out and you might lose some of this certainty. Almost like hoarding, right? So how you realign is showing up, speaking up. The world needs your insights and your presence. And I promise you, the more that you do that with some healthy boundaries and. And you teach people how to respect that, you'll feel more aligned and empowered in integrity than you can even imagine. For the Enneagram 6 is the loyal, the loyalist, or the loyal skeptic. How Sixes get out of integrity is when fear hijacks that loyalty, or fear hijacks their intuition and their divine knowing. And I know in being in relationship with Sixes, sometimes when they start questioning everything now, they love certainty. They love to be prepared, right? Right. That's their motive, that certainty of being prepared. But when they're spitting out, like, they can feel like an interrogator to the people that they love and care about the most, and this can actually isolate them more, which creates that cycle, right? So how a 6 can realign is like, okay, pausing, breathing, making decisions from inner calm and not this outer chaos, right? And this is where the whole framework of the Enneagram comes into play, like the wings and the Lines which we will get into another day. The sevens, the enthusiastic visionary, right? The innovator. How they get out of integrity is when positivity becomes a form to escape, right? That positive reframe. The Sevens are masterful at reframing and like there's a difference between that being true and that being a bypass, right? A lot of times I will see. I mean, I'm raising one. A lot of my closest friends are sevens, right? They're like, well, la la la la la la la. Or they try to sweep it of sweeping it under the rug because they want to avoid pain. They want to have certainty that freedom, choices and options are always available to them. So if they are stuck in this, this moment of ick or uncomfortableness or somebody else's, right, they don't want, they would just like, let's just. Let's just sweep it over, right? And so how a 7 could realign is actually feeling what's real, even the hard stuff. And that's where your freedom and choices and options actually are. Because if you don't repair, it gets repeated or you repeat it. So it's better to face some of this stuff head on. For my fellow Enneagram aids, the Challenger or the Controller, I've mentioned how we step out of integrity is when control overtakes connection, that vengeance comes into play. And the flexing, all this flexing, I used to, you know, in my short stint in corporate America for three years, I used to, and I not proud to admit this, but I used to like kind of get off that people walked on eggshells around me, right? Because I held the power. I was untouchable, right? And that's how I maintained. At least I believed at the time. Again, my measuring stick of what strong meant was very up. But I had control. If people were walking on eggshells, I had the control. However, I was creating such disconnect, which created a culture which you know, you know the story. So how Eights realign is letting the softness lead, right? Real power is being present, is being vulnerable and not dominating. Easier said than done. Trust me, Eights, I know this. And finally, the Enneagram 8, the adaptive peacemaker. How you guys are out of integrity is when you disappear to keep the peace or you say, I don't care, whatever you want, or sweep it under the rug. And meanwhile you're like angry. And you may shut that anger down or do some passive aggressive things like procrastinate, stonewall, silent treatment, selective hearing, things like that that anger is brewing. And how you get realigned is like speaking up. Even if your voice shakes a little bit, your you matter, your truth matters. Your opinion is so valid and actually so necessary. Like I said, all of this stuff is a lot easier said than done. These are kind of like the guidelines for oop. I'm out of integrity. So, like, I'm always, always asking myself, like, is this about the flex or is this what's true? Right. And then how we use the rest of the framework of the Enneagram can help guide us back on path so it doesn't feel like we're swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other. You know, I'm thinking back on about three and a half years ago when I was betrayed to the degree it fe to me like it did 17 years ago. And this was a defining moment for me. It was the most vulnerable vulnerable I'd been in any other relationship in my life. And I was publicly betrayed. And my first instinct was like, kill them like I wanted. I have receipts. I could destroy them. Like for about three minutes. I felt this, and I went to the softness right away. And the, the beautiful framework and the, the system. That Enneagram got me back on track. I operated in integrity. And it's been interesting in the three and a half years since then. I never spoke publicly about what went down in detail to really anyone but my very close inner circle that I leaned into to support me at the time. And again, I did bad mouth or any of those things. I was able to, like, see where my breakdown, what my part the breakdown was and all the things. But I'm so proud of how I handled myself and stayed 100% in integrity that entire, entire time. And it's been very interesting to see the karmic debt be paid in that because I stayed in integrity. And one of the things that I often say is, like, especially when somebody isn't in integrity with us, I know you have every right to be angry. I did too. You have every, every desire to want to see karma take its course. And the thing is, is, like, you may never see it. You just have to trust and stay in integrity and know that more will be revealed. More things are coming for you that are even better the more that you operate in, in the integrity, integrity area of your life. I, trust me, this has come true. As a parent 17 years later, I have nothing bad to say about my ex at this point. You know, he's got his shit to deal with, but even seeing how it's played out with the relationships with my Kids, because I operate in integrity. I had to make a lot of amends for that. I was out of integrity with especially where they were concerned, business things. It's been really cool to see what comes from operating integrity. Even when it's so radically uncomfortable in the moment. Reacting seems like the right thing to do until you have to deal with the wreckage of what that looks like internally and externally. So here's the truth. Integrity is never a one and done kind of decision, right? It's a thousand tiny recalibrations every single day. Like I said, I'm always asking myself, is this the flex or is this the right. It's not always comfortable, but I promise you, it's always worth it. Because when you're in integrity, you flow, you lead, you create, you heal, you stop performing, you start living. And the people around you, especially the ones that matter most, they feel it, they trust it, they see it, and they repeat it because it's real, right? This is, this is a tough one. You know, nobody said doing the right thing was ever the easy thing, because it isn't right? So ask yourself, where are you out of alignment and integrity lately? One of the greatest compliments I give the people that I work with, the people that I love, is when I could say, you're in integrity in every area of your life. And when they get that confirmation, not that they need it from me, but I hold integrity as like the number one value in my life. Like, I may not be the most liked, I may not be the most popular, and I don't really care, but I am one of the most trustworthy, credible people you will ever meet. And that means the world to me, right? But it. It didn't happen overnight. Like I said, this is a muscle that you build over time. So ask yourself, where are you out of integrity? And I don't want you to ask this to beat yourself up with the stick. This is just like an assessment to figure out where you're at. Then with the tool of the Enneagram, you can get back on track because you're human. Human shit's gonna happen, right? Life is gonna life you. Life's gonna kick you in the dick sometimes, right? Where have you been tolerating cracks in your own foundation? And what would it look like to come back home to yourself, right? So if you're ready to rebuild self trust and live with that unshakable integrity, not just in your work, but in your relationships, your parenting, your leadership, honestly, now's the time. And yes, you could do a session with me? Yes. You can, you know, spend six months to a year with me in private coaching where I can help you build this muscle at an accelerated pace. Or you can learn how to do this yourself and. And work with other people doing it. My Enneagram Foundations course, Live teaching, it's not an evergreen. It's not a recorded. You get me live for four weeks and I take you through my entire method of the Enneagram Edge and how to use this beautiful system for yourself in areas of your life. I'm very, very excited about this. It's been a decade in the making. I've resisted it because I wanted to be fully in integrity when I taught it, and I've been in integrity. But like, it means a lot to me that the people that decide to learn from me use it in a beautiful, loving, integrity filled, beautiful, beautifully intended way. And so that starts September 3rd. It will go four weeks. You get my full curriculum that I've been working so hard on. This isn't necessarily. If you want to become an Enneagram coach, like level one foundation of the Enneagram Edge is about learning the Enneagram the way that I teach it. Okay, so this is. Even if you just want to use it in your marriage, your parenting, your business, your relationships, whatever, this is the foundational prereq course to then if you want to learn how to use this with other people, like directly, one on one, in teams and groups, that will come after that. But there has never been a better time than now to learn this. Especially with the. The way of the world. And if you are somebody that raises their hand and says, I want to be the best version of myself every single day. Having this tool, honestly, as my number one tool next to my. My beautiful faith, has been the thing that has allowed me to stay in integrity and to hold my head high and to know that more will always be revealed and that everything that's coming for me is because of that integrity. Without the Enneagram, I could absolutely go off roading and lose my way. But the Enneagram is this compass that brings you back to the most divine aligned, integrity filled version of yourself. Because when you walk in integrity, you don't just change your life, you change your legacy. And that if I died tomorrow, like knowing that I have done that, I've changed the lineage, I've changed the legacy, I've broken the generational stuff. And the Enneagram is a massive part of it. It's why I'm so passionate about it. So it's why I'm so passionate about the way that I teach it, and it would be an honor to teach it to you. So go to my website, Tracy O' Malley.com at the top, there's a certification. If you do it today, there is a code that gets you exclusive pricing in the show notes. It's Cert 400. You can do that right now. And I can't wait for you to be one of the first to lear the Enneagram the way that I teach it so that you can honor your edge, live in your edge, and and most importantly, live in integrity every single day. I'm excited for this, I'm excited for you. And until next time, stay honest, stay grounded, and let's honor your edge. See you next time.

And that's a wrap on today's dive into the Edge. If this episode hit you in the.

Gut or lit a fire under your ass good, that means it's working.

Here's the deal. Transformation is not a checkbox. It's a damn decision. And the Enneagram, it's your ultimate power tool when you actually know how to use it. If you loved today's episode, share it with somebody who's ready to stop playing small. Subscribe, leave a review, and if you're really feeling brave, shoot me a message and tell me what cracked open for you. Remember, your edge isn't something to be polished down. It's part of you that was always meant to lead. Until next time, stay sharp, stay true, and keep walking your edge.