EP437: From Lone Wolf to Soul Fam - Using the Enneagram to Find True Belonging

Hey. Hey. And welcome to the Enneagram Edge. I'm your host, Tracy o'. Malley, Enneagram expert, leadership coach, recovering control freak, and your personal translator for the shit you keep repeating but don't totally understand yet. Now, if you're new here, buckle up. This is absolutely not another fluffy Enneagram podcast where we talk about how sweet it is to be an Enneagram, too, and bake cookies for your friends. No, this is the real deal. This show is about using the Enneagram as a tool for transformation. Not just information and definitely not some party trick. Because knowing your type is cute, but embodying your highest expression. That is where your edge is. Every week, I'm bringing you the truth behind the types and the hype. How to stop self sabotaging, lead like a damn legend, and actually understand the people in your life without wanting to scream into a pillow. Or if you're an enneagram8 like me, not throat punch someone. We'll talk about leadership, relationships, business, healing, high performance, and why couples therapy isn't working. But fully understanding your Enneagram blueprint might just save your marriage. I'll drop solo episodes behind the curtain coaching, and the occasional rant when someone calls the Enneagram just a personality test. So if you're ready to stop playing small and start showing up with unshakable clarity, confidence, and compassion for yourself and others, this is your space. You've got an edge. Now let's use it. Hello. Welcome back to another episode of the Enneagram Edge. And I already feel myself feeling a little emotional, because today's podcast episode is all about feeling like the lone wolf. And I know there's many of you that feel like that. And maybe, like me, you've worn that like a badge of honor. And then you wake up one day and realize, like, what the have I done? You might look around at your life and see people everywhere. Friends, colleagues, business partners, business besties. Maybe even a team that relies on you. Maybe even a crowd that admires you, follows you, and looks to you as the strong one. I get that. And yet you still feel like the lone wolf, right? Surrounded but unseen, needed but not truly known. And this is like a clusterfuck, isn't it? Because the lone wolf often looks like the strongest person in the room. And you know, I will say we usually are. You get done. You don't wait around for someone else to save you. You lead. You provide. You make things happen. And on the outside, it looks like power. But inside, it's heavy, lonely, exhausting. Sometimes. And if you're like me, you've built a fortress that everyone respects, but very, very few are ever allowed inside. And maybe you've even convinced yourself that that's how it's supposed to be, that carrying it alone is safer, that letting people in is risky, that no one can actually understand you or. Or meet you where you really are. And I get it, as you can hear in my voice, because I have lived that way, too, for a long, long time. 50 years. You know, I wore the Lone Wolf badge like a badge of honor. And I thought it made me untouchable. And in a lot of ways, it did. Right? But what it also really made me was disconnected. And today, we're going to talk about the cost of being the Lone Wolf and how the Enneagram can help you find the one thing you've been craving all along. True connection. Here it comes. You know, this is the real work, you guys. We can do all the admirable things in the world. We can even have a family. Like, I have the greatest family of all time. Honestly, it's. It's the thing I'm most proud of. And still, there are times like, I'm like, what is this all for? Right? So my lone wolf era. For most of my life, I operated like this. And I still do. Like, seriously, muscle memory is no joke, you guys. And this is why we have to continue to excavate with compassion and understand our atlas, our road. So that when we go down these paths and go off roading a little bit, we can come back to blaze the trail. And not just on our own as the Lone Wolf, but with others. But I operated like this for a long, long time, and. And I pride myself sometimes on not needing anyone. And, you know, a lot of us that are lone wolves couldn't rely on the very people that should have. Could have been there for us. And I grew up learning that if you want it done right, you do it yourself. That if you need somebody, you're weak. That relying on people only led to disappointment. Starting with, you know, in my own home, the walls, absolutely, you think, keep you from being blindsided. And in many ways, honestly, that strategy worked. I have the receipts, y', all, where this has worked out really, really well for me. And I built businesses, lots of them. I've led teams. I raised a family. And from the outside looking in, I do look strong, unstoppable, and independent. And I am all those things. And none of those things are bad. Like, I want you to know, like, none of those things Are bad. And here's the cost. I was starving for connection. And as somebody who is rounding out year 13 of sobriety, you know, the. The opposite of addiction is connection. And I run this risk of a slippery slope when I find myself disconnected. So being this long wolf, lone wolf really is an area where if I feel disconnected, like, it can go dark really fast. Not that I'm ever going to use alcohol or any of the really toxic things, but the one thing I do go to is isolation. It's the one part of my personality. And, you know, understanding the enneagram helps me really understand what's happening. But it can get scary and dark. And connection, honestly, you've heard me say this before. I've. I've held the hands of people at the end of their life, and that connection is really what makes life beautiful. But I didn't trust people enough to let them in. So I ended up feeling misunderstood, unseen, and alone. Even in a crowded room, y', all, I've been surrounded by tens of thousands of people and never felt more alone. And I know a lot of you may feel like that. You know, we go to these big events and get in the rooms and all the things, and. And still there were times I would go back to my room and be like, I couldn't wait to get there. And also, like, what is this all for, right? I was admired a lot. I am admired a lot, but I wasn't always truly known. Now, I will say this, like, over the past few years, I have about a handful that really, really, really know me. But still, it's not a big number. And there came a point where the silence of my isolation was louder than the safety of my independence. And that's when it hit me. Strength without connection isn't strength at all. It's suffering. We are not meant to do this alone. So the myth of the lone wolf, right? We glorify them. Many of you have even admired me for this and told me my strength and my resilience and my tenacity and all those things are admirable. And they are like, absolutely the self made, the self sufficient, the one who doesn't need anyone. But the truth is, no one, no one becomes legendary. Alone in leadership, lone wolfing looks like micromanaging mistrust, Never fully empowering your team because you think you can do it right. Only you can do it right. In relationships, it looks like keeping things surface level or being the one who gives without ever receiving, so you never have to be vulnerable. This is me. This was me in Life, it looks like independence that eventually turns into isolation. And I joke like, I could literally never leave my house, and as long as my animals and my kids popped in from time to time, like, I would be okay. And although that's really funny and true in a lot of ways, that's also very, very scary. You know, I. I drive a big ass truck and I love my fucking. And I looked at the odometer the other day and recognized that I only put 5,000 miles on that thing in the last year. And although I love that because it means I'm going to keep my truck a lot longer, this is the longest vehicle I've ever owned because I usually trade them in when they hit a certain mileage point. But it was also very telling and very scary, right? So here's my velvet hammer for you. And this one is like a mic drop moment. The lone wolf isn't strong. The lone wolf is scared. It is scary. It is scary to rely on people, to receive, to depend on anyone. Because you can get blindsided, you can get betrayed, you can get hurt. You can be put in a vulnerable situation. And vulnerability is where all the strength is. And I'm so thankful for the Enneagram because even though, like, we still go into these points and. And here's the thing, you know, when we talk about the stress points on the Enneagram, and I teach a lot on it because a lot of people ask me, like, how do we avoid that? How do we avoid this number? It's bad. It's bad, it's bad. It's like, no, you know, if you think about working out and when we're growing our muscles, we have to stress them in order for them to grow, right? Our emotional, you know, fitness is the same way. We have to stress it in order for it to grow. So we have to do the uncomfortable thing sometimes the painful thing. Download the song Hurt so Good by John Cougar Mellencap. Camp John Cougar Mellencamp. For those of you that are 40 and up, you'll know the song. For Those of you 40 and under, you're like, who's John Cougar Mellencamp? Teddy Mellencamp from Real Housewives. That's her dad. That is like my anthem. And I've got a meeting today. I'm going to blast that. It's called Hurt so Good. Come on, baby, let it hurt so good. This part of our growth is necessary. But when we talk about our stressor numbers on the Enneagram, we have to know we're there. And it's what we do in that, right? If we go off the deep end and fly off the edge, right into dysfunction, like, no, this is why the Enneagram is a compass and your atlas to understand. Oh, we're here now. What we do with that is really, really important. So the Enneagram is the mirror. And this is where it changed the game for me. And it continuously does, right? Like, we don't just check the box, read this one time, hear about the Enneagram, you know, laugh at the funny memes and, like, yeah, I got this. Like, no, we have to use this like an atlas, right? The roadmap to your soul. It shows me and you exactly why I do go lone wolf. Not just by what I was doing and. And what that looks like, but the motive behind it. And every single Enneagram type has its version of lone wolfing. You know, for the Enneagram Eights like me, this is like putting up the wall of strength. And I joke like, my walls are made of titanium. And once they're up, like, you better have good climbing skills, otherwise you're not getting over it and you can't barge through them. The eights are like, I don't need anyone. I've got this, like, you know, powering through. Enneagram Fives retreat, right? Pull away, and only rely on themselves. They gather in information. Enneagram Fours isolate in their uni. No one could possibly understand me, and it can get really dark. And I'm in a relationship with an enneagram4, so I understand this. Enneagram Threes think, if I want it done right, I'll just do it myself. Like, goal line, goal line, goal line. Enneagram ones believe others will mess it up, so they carry it all and. And can try to control everything. Enneagram Sixes struggle with mistrust and suspicion. Keeps people at a distance. Enneagram Sevens avoid vulnerability by keeping the things fun and surface level and chasing shiny objects and. And new things and reframing Enneagram Twos. Give endlessly, but never receive, which means no one ever truly sees them. Enneagram Nines withdraw to avoid conflict and end up completely disconnected. So lone wolfing. Obviously, the behavior looks different for everyone, but the root is still the same. We all do this lone wolfing and protect ourselves and isolate ourselves to protect ourselves. But that protection eventually costs us the very thing we need most. Connection and belonging. It's one of the most important human needs because, like, it's great to have goals. It's great to have high standards, it's great to have accomplishments, it's great to take care of ourselves, it's great, great, great. All those things are amazing. None of it means a hill of beans unless we have connection of some sort. And one of the things about being a lone wolf is, like, we want that soul fam, right? Not just the fam we're raising, but a soul fam. And if you're like me, and a lot of this shit comes from your family of origin, and maybe if you're like me, you have estrangement in your own family of origin, this gets really lonely. So finding your soul fam and your soul sisters and brothers and all of that is really, really important. But it requires you to be vulnerable. For me, the turning point was realizing that the lone wolf badge of honor actually was really a cage. I wanted freed, and I had a lot, you know, I made a lot of fucking money, and money does give you choices. And it just built me a bigger fortress, quite honestly. I wanted freedom, but I was locking myself inside walls that no one could get through. So what changed? What changed? Well, about three and a half years ago, I had let myself get close to someone because I did crave this. I wanted to be seen, heard, understood, and valued for the real me, right? And notoriously, had never really allowed myself to be vulnerable with women that originated with my own mother and the women that had come, you know, after her. And I let myself get close to one, even though I knew it was really unhealthy. This relationship was unhealthy. I see it now, but it was really my first venture into letting someone get close. And I got burned. I got burned. And my part in it was knowing it was not healthy and also picking the wrong person to be vulnerable with. But I will say this, like, I wouldn't trade that for anything because we have to practice somewhere, right? Just like anything, we. We get really great at practice, you know, Tom Brady for my. My sports fans, right? You know, he's got such a beautiful story like he won six fucking Super Bowls and made it look effortless. And everything he do, he does touches to gold. But that man practiced more than anyone, quite honestly. Practice, practice, practice. And when we want our soul fam, we have to practice being vulnerable. And a lot of the people that I coach and work with, I'm like, let's practice here. It may not be the end, all be all with. It may not be the end all be all with this, you know, love interest that you have, but you have to practice. So when the time comes that the soul fam. The soul, love the soul, anything comes along, you'll have flexed this muscle, right? So I practiced a few years ago, and it didn't end well. And when it all blew up and I was done really, really dirty again, my part in it is I should have cut it off sooner. I really, really should have. But, you know, sometimes we're afraid to let go of that thing until the right thing comes along. And if you haven't listened to the epis a few months back called the Elite doesn't wait in line. This is kind of the point. Like you. You have to make room for your soul family, your soul partnerships, your soul friendships, your. Your soul business besties, right? You have to make room for it. And when I let go of that relationship, my first prayer was like my first intention to the divine God universe was, please, please don't shut down my heart. Even though I was done so dirty in this. This vulnerable moment for me, and because I had let that relationship go, it made a lot of room for the beautiful people that were already in my life, my true soul fam. And I let myself be vulnerable, and I let myself be seen in that rawness. I start small, right? Choosing only one or two people that I trust and letting them see the messy, unpolished parts of me. You know, I am the rock in a lot of people's lives. And even within my soul family, I am the rock. And I am the rock. And I am also the receiver. That part is hard. It's easy for me to be the rock. I'm great at it. Many of you are great at it, but I was never really great at receiving because I felt like there was conditions and a cost. But the Enneagram gave me a compass for this, right? And it can give you that, too. It shows us where you block connection and how to open the door without completely losing yourself, without going completely rogue and swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other. It doesn't have to be these extremes where like, oh, my God, I'm in crisis. I need everyone. Then, holy shit, you recoil and then ghost everyone, right? Here's the truth. You don't find your soul family by accident. You find them by choosing to show up without the armor, by letting yourself be known, and by being willing to belong instead of just survive. This is really hard, but it takes practice. It takes practice. And, you know, when I look at my life today and what I have here are a few steps I take to do it, and they're really Important for you. Number. Notice when you're isolating. This is my addiction of choice today. I don't use food. I don't use alcohol. I don't use anger. I don't use power. I don't use anger. I don't use any of the things I used to, thankfully. However, isolation is my coping mechanism, and I know it's a lot of yours. So notice when you're isolating and compassionately ask yourself if it's really serving you. And when I want to isolate, I do the contrary thing. And I send a text, I send voice notes because I want people to hear my voice. Voice. Right. We can hide a lot behind our words. We can polish it up. But to my soul, fam, I send voice notes. This is a really, really good one. Number two, am I trying to protect myself from something? Or am I being present? Am I being present in the right now, right now? And sometimes we think too future. Sometimes we think too past, although that's important. Obviously, we use our past, present, and future. But fixating and ruminating and being hyper vigilant will keep you out of being present in this very moment. What is true right now? Number three, this is a big one. Take one brave step. Share something real with one trusted person. Now, if you are somebody that says, I don't have anyone, then you can start today. You can start today. I get a lot, you know, as you're up, leveling your life. Like, I don't have anybody buddy, in my life that can carry things the way that I do. I know my Enneagram mates out there say this a lot. And that's true. Like, I am the strongest person I know. And also, I have lots of people that are strong in different ways that I am weak. Right? Share something real with one trusted person. Even if it's me. You can Instagram me. You can send me a voice Instagram note. Seriously, share something real with one trusted person. Something vulnerable, something you're afraid of today. And number four, use your fucking enneagram type and your framework as a roadmap to see exactly how you block belonging. Now, I want to put a big kind of asterisk here. You must do this only with tenderness and compassion for yourself. No judgment, no criticism, no shame, no guilt. Those things will all keep you stuck. And I have to watch this, too, because I have locked myself, you know, in this little isolation cave sometimes, and then we could easily beat ourselves up. But I promise you, the cycle continues when you do that. You know, I am beginning. And it's not Too late, you guys. My Enneagram Foundations program, which is level one of the certification, it is the prereq for using this with other people teams, groups. That's levels two and three. The foundations is your soul Roadmap and your ability to read other people's soul roadmap. Right? Like, it's one thing to know your Enneagram type and. And all the. The ways in which we go off roading and take the beautiful scenic journey and grow and expand and kind of hibernation and solitude. Solitude is okay. Isolation is where it gets tricky, right? Sometimes we do need solitude to grow. But my enneagram. My Enneagram Edge foundations program starts tomorrow. It's not too late to get in. I take you through the entire soul roadmap of all nine Enneagram types. Obviously you'll know yours. But really being able to see the way the other Enneagram types atlas works. It's beautiful. You can go to tracyomalley.com under the tab Certification. We start tomorrow. It's not too late. This is life changing understanding and integration. It's. It's the work I'm most proud of. It's the work that keeps me from staying stuck in isolation, from being this lone wolf for the rest of my life. I've used it to guide thousands and thousands of people through the journey of their soul roadmap. It is so impactful. Honestly, I teach this because I know the power of it. And also my goodness, without this, I don't know where I'm at. I don't know where I'm at. And as I'm rounding into the 13th year of sobriety, I don't know if I could maintain a healthy recovery. Not just of alcohol, not just of food, not just of codependence and all the other coping mechanisms I have. But even the isolation, without the power of integrating the Enneagram. So I would be honored to guide you. At the very least, go get your blueprint so you know your. Your soul roadmap. But I know for a lot of you, if you're like me, being the lone wolf might feel powerful. It might even feel safe to you. But it will never feel like belonging. And we all deserve belonging and connection. You deserve people who see you, who celebrate you, who challenge you, and who walk beside you. The Enneagram did help me find that. And it can help you too. And you know, I have, Gosh, you know, you know, on the iPhone, where you can pin your text messages. I never did that until the last six months because I Realized my soul fam. You know, obviously, I have my kids and my lover and all of that on there, but every morning when I open up my phone and I see my pinned text messages, it's my soul fam. And it's a reminder of how. How hard I've worked to be vulnerable. How I look at their beautiful little circles with their faces in there, and how grateful I am for their courage, their strength, their trust, their. Their beautiful heart space that makes me feel safe, seen, heard, understood, valued. Not just because I'm also the rock in their life, but because they are the rock in mine. And I want that for each and every one of you so, so bad. And every morning when I walk, I usually will send a note to a few of them, almost all of them, every single day, to let them know how thankful I am for the safe place that they are in my life. And I want that for all of you. And if you don't have that, maybe you're looking at your phone, you're like, I couldn't even pin one person. Then it's time to do something different. Because if you want something different, it requires something different of you. And with great reward comes a great responsibility. And that responsibility is. It's time to open up. Being a lone wolf is not a badge of honor. It's a cage. So here's my question for you. Where in your life are you choosing isolation over intimacy? And are you finally ready to let your guard down long enough to let your people in? I know I am. Are you? Thanks for listening. I needed this today. I needed the reminder. You know, we usually teach the things that we need to learn. And the reason I will always teach this is because, like I said, muscle memory is no joke. And I can easily go back into the lone wolf era. It's time to let that go. If this resonated with you, share it with someone you know that is tired of going it alone. And if that's. You know that I see you and I get it. And it's time to take one brave step. And if you're ready to use the Enneagram, not just to know yourself, but to truly connect, to finally discover your edge in love, leadership, and belonging. Join me inside the Enneagram. Edge Foundations. This September. Starting tomorrow, four weeks. Live with me the exact language and tools you need to transform the way you lead, love, and belong. And take yourself out of this cage of the lone wolf. I appreciate you. Each and every single one of you. Honestly, you are a part of my soul fam. You remind me that this work is so important and for that I am forever grateful. Here's to not just finding your edge, but fucking owning it. I'll see you next time. And that's a wrap on today's Dive into the Edge. If this episode hit you in the gut or lit a fire under your ass good, that means it's working. Here's the deal. Transformation is not a checkbox. It's a damn decision. And the Enneagram, it's your ultimate power tool when you actually know how to use it. If you loved today's episode, share it with somebody who's ready to stop playing small. Subscribe, leave a review, and if you're really feeling brave, shoot me a message and tell me what cracked open for you. Remember, your edge isn't something to be polished down. It's part of you that was always meant to lead. Until next time, stay sharp, stay true, and keep walking. Your edge.