EP439: Is it a Fck Yes...Or Fear In Disguise. How to Discern the Difference Using The Enneagram

You've been circling a decision. I know you can feel it in your body. One minute, it feels like a yes. You can see yourself on the other side of it, breathing freer, living bigger. And then the fear creeps in. What if you're wrong? What if you're not ready? What if this isn't the safe move and you blow up your life? So you stall. You tell yourself you're waiting for clarity, for timing, for a sign. But deep down, you know you're not stuck because you don't know the answer. You're stuck because you don't trust yourself to choose it. And the longer you hang out in that in between, the heavier it gets. The more you second guess, the more you wonder if you'll ever actually make the leap. If that's you right now, this conversation was made for you. Because by the end, you'll know the difference between fear that keeps you small and the kind of full body fuck yes. That tells you you're exactly where you're meant to be. Let's dive in. Hey. Hey. And welcome to Enneagram Edge. I'm your host, Tracy o'. Malley. Enneagram expert leadership coach, recovering control freak, and your personal translator for the shit you keep repeating but don't totally understand yet. Now, if you're new here, buckle up. This is absolutely not another fluffy Enneagram podcast where we talk about how sweet it is to be an Enneagram, too, and bake cookies for your friends. No, this is the real deal. This show is about using the Enneagram as a tool for transformation, not just information and definitely not some party trick. Because knowing your type is cute, but embodying your highest expression, that is where your edge is. Every week, I'm bringing you the truth behind the types and the hype. How to stop self sabotaging, lead like a damn legend, and actually understand the people in your life without wanting to scream into a pillow. Or if you're an enneagram8 like me, not throat punch someone. We'll talk about leadership, relationships, business, healing, high performance, and why couples therapy isn't working. But fully understanding your Enneagram blueprint might just save your marriage. I'll drop solo episodes behind the curtain coaching, and the occasional rant when someone calls the Enneagram just a personality test. So if you're ready to stop playing small and start showing up with unshakable clarity, confidence, and compassion for yourself and others. This is your space. You've got an edge. Now let's use it. Hey. Hey. Welcome back to another Episode of the Enneagram Edge. I'm your host, Tracy Omalley. Tell me if this sounds familiar. I know it will be. You've got an opportunity staring you dead in the face. A new idea, a new partnership, a new opportunity. Maybe even something that's been on your heart for as long as you can remember, right? A leap you've been praying for. And in your body, it feels complicated. One part of you wants to scream, yes, this is it. The other part is pulling the emergency brake, whispering all the reasons you're not ready. So which is it? Is it your soul saying, let's go, or is this fear putting on a really convincing argument? That's exactly what I want to break down with you guys today. Because you know what? I am always and always have been a very intuitive person. You know, when I was not in integrity, you know, for the first 2/3 of my life, it was hard to discern that calling and that. That channel, that divine intuition, because it was clouded by nonsense, quite honestly. But when you're living in integrity, it's crystal clear, and it's still scary. And I want to break this down with you because I have been living in this, in real time right now, behind the scenes myself this last month. And what I discovered changed. Changes everything about how I make decisions. And like I said, by the end of this conversation, you'll walk away with a compass to check yourself with compassion. That's the thing. Like, I think we have no problem checking ourselves and taking our own inventory. However, most of us don't meet ourselves with curiosity, compassion, and kindness. Instead, we meet ourselves with shame, judgment, criticism. But I want you to know, when it's time to leap, when it's time to pause, and maybe even when it's time to walk away from something that you have spent a lot of time, energy, resources, and maybe you've even stepped out publicly, like I have to, to do something. So here's the truth. You know, I've been working on something very quietly, on the DL for a couple weeks now. I haven't been this lit up in a long, long time. It's been equal parts exhilarating and terrifying, to be honest with you. You know, back 13 years ago, when I got sober, which it recovery month, and this will be my 13th year, I didn't have as much to lose. You know, I. I was the underdog. In fact, people were probably like, this should be fun to watch. And, you know, over the last 13 years, I have not only built very, very substantial, beautiful businesses. I am very well Known as somebody with a lot of credibility, trust, respect, you know, all the things that I'm very proud of. Those are my core values in integrity and credibility. Those mean way more to me than being liked, because I know I'm not liked by everyone. But if I'm being brutally honest, which I always am, there have been days over the last month that I've questioned if I was saying yes to the right thing or if I was just bypassing what really needed my attention because it was more vulnerable. Right? And that's a really tough one because, yes, there are things that maybe I'm shelving or putting a pause on or reexamining because it is vulnerable. And there's nothing wrong with that. Like what I'm about to do is going to be really fucking vulnerable. Probably more so than if I just kind of trudged along doing what I do because it's so probably unpredictable for me. And so I have to ask myself too, you know, is this me chasing some adrenaline and some dopamine, my ego? Or is this really the yes I have been inviting into my life? So I. I did and continue to do what I always tell my clients to do. You know, I get paid very, very well for my brilliance, for my strategy, for my calling, for my intuition. I usually am a final call for somebody before they make a hard decision, whether it's personal or professional. And so I am doing exactly what I teach and coach because I walk my talk. I take inventory. Again, compassionately, kindly, and with a lot of curiosity. Not from shame, not from pressure, not. But from that respect I know I've earned. And I ask myself the hard questions. Am I avoiding something that actually matters? Am I chasing this or choosing this because it feels easier than maybe something different? Or is this genuinely the next yes I'm called to embody? And here's what I found when I strip away the noise, the fear, any opinions from others, I could feel that full, expansive yes in my body. And it isn't a comfortable yes. Trust me, it would be much easier to say no. Not a pretty little polished up yes, but a soul driven. There's no turning back now. Yes. And you know, there's a lot of consequences to making this decision. There are a lot of things that will probably be said about me, probably never to my face, because hello, enneagram8. We are not afraid to turn our lives into a dateline episode. Even though, no, I wouldn't. Everybody's entitled to their opinion. And I know that those that may have opinions or shit to say about it, it's because it is going to be very confronting for them and maybe where they're at or where they have been shutting down, a certain calling that's on their life. And that's something I've never been afraid to do, is blaze a trail that hasn't been blazed before. To walk a path, to go down a road that hasn't been taught, told, or modeled for me or maybe many other people. And the new thing I'm bringing into the world has been the best testing, honestly, more so than anything else in the last 13 years for me to practice what I'm teaching you today. And while I'm not fully pulling back the curtain yet, more will be revealed. Consider this your quiet first look. It's. It's something I'm so excited about. You know, when life is heavy, right, and the world is heavy right now and the work I do can be really heavy. I mean, being the 911 call for some of the top CEOs in the world does not come with a lot of responsibility. It does not with a. Without a lot of intensity, which. Hello, I eat intensity for breakfast and I love it. My personal life has some really heavy, intense things going on which, you know, again, super honored to be holding that space for. And I noticed recently that in that even though I will do my work and coach the way that I coach till the day I die, honestly, this was a calling on my life and it always will be. It's my, my, my job, honestly to be a lighthouse when things are dark. And also for a lot of my life, I self abandon for that sake of others. And I can do both, right? I can be that intense, safe, nurturing, powerful, don't fuck with me, lighthouse. And also I can also have a lot of fucking fun and do something that also brings me joy and lights me up. And that was something that maybe you guys haven't been comfortable living in, you know, some gray area or a lot of and area. It's either or. Or it's extremes or. You know, most of my life was living in extremes. Like extreme highs, extreme lows, blowing up my life, rising from the ashes like. And who doesn't love a good underdog story? And I'm all for it. And in fact this, this probably will be another one. Well, maybe not. But living in the extremes is honestly no way to live. Life is going to be extremist anyway. Why make it harder? And really owning the fact that I not only need more joy and fun, I deserve it. I deserve it. And not at the expense of being who I am, you know, in my work, in my homes, with my people, with my friends, I can do all of it. And the more fun I have, the easier everything else becomes. So let's talk about how you can check yourself, right? Fear in disguise can look like this. It feels heavy and contracting even when you just think about it. Man, have I been living in that one the last 18 months. You hear a lot of shoulds running the show. You're shoulding all over yourself. I should do this to prove myself. I should because they expect it. I should because it's scalable. I should because it. It portrays this image of success. I should, I should, I should. And it feels like an ex, an escape hatch. If I say yes to this, maybe I won't have to face that other thing I'm avoid, right? But a true yes feels different. It may still be scary, but it's an expansive scary. It feels like freedom and possibility on the other side, it feels like. You know, I love Six Flags. I'd much prefer Six Flags over Disney, no offense, my Disney friends. However, I love, you know, the intense extreme rides. Big shocker there, right? But that feeling when you're going up, like, the hill and you're hearing the click, click, click, click, click, click, click up the roller coaster, it's like, oh, oh, oh. And then the minute you go sore pouring down the hill, it's like, feels so good. So a true yes kind of feels like that your energy actually rises when you're. When you picture yourself living it out. Fear is there, yes, but it's partnered with excitement. Not dread, not the shoulds, not the, oh, my God, am I really cut out for this? So here's the. The Velvet Hammer truth bomb. Fear will always ride shotgun when you're growing. It will. The question is whether it's driving your car, right? It can have a seat in the car, but it is not going to run the show. Fear can have a voice, but it does not get a vote. A yes will feel alive even in the presence of fear. Fear in disguise will just feel heavy. So how do you know what this might look like for you? And this is where the Enneagram becomes your edge. And honestly, like, thank goodness for this atlas that I call the Enneagram and the compass that it provides to steer me and let me know where I'm at on any given day. Because each of us defaults by design to a different way of making decisions, and that default can either clarify or cloud your judgment. So my instinctual types, you Know my eights, nines, and ones, you guys are motivated by a form of independence, autonomy and control, right? You kind of move fast. I know my Enneagram, nines might not think so, but you. You. You ins. Your instincts are fast. Whether or not you act on it, you never know. But you act in the now. What is happening now? And what do I need to do about it? Which means you can mistake re for clarity. The check in question for my eights, nines, and ones, sometimes. Am I grounded in this yes? Or am I just resisting discomfort? And what discomfort might mean for an 8 is vulnerability. For a 9, is it disrupting my peace? Is this easier to not disrupt my peace? For the Enneagram ones is the discomfort how I might be seen as, you know, doing the wrong thing? For my feeling types, My. My heart types the heartbeats of the Enneagrams. Of the Enneagram, the twos, threes and fours. You guys are. You guys are somebody that are motivated by a form, significance, right? And how you might be perceived is a big deal to you. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm going to say that right now. But you guys kind of look to the past, right? What has happened? And you lead with feelings and approval, which means you can say yes for applause or no out of fear of rejection. So the check in question for my feeling types, if no one clapped for me, if no one appreciated me, if no one acknowledged me, if would I still want this? Would I still want this now? My thinking types, my five, sixes and sevens, the. The head types. You guys live in the future, right? What could happen? And what do I think about this, right? You are all motivated by some form of certainty. Now, what that certainty means for you is different. Fives are certain that their information and knowledge and resources is unlock. For sixes, it's being prepared and not blindsided. And for seven, it might mean freedom, choices and options, right? Because you live in future scenarios, analysis or distraction, which means you can overthink yourself into a no. Or chase shiny things to avoid the stillness, to avoid that fear and anxiety that is kind of rumbling sometimes on the surface, sometimes out loud, sometimes quietly in disguise. So your check in question is, am I chasing safety or certainty or choices, or am I actually trusting myself for the full yes? One of the things that I recommend is that you cross check your yes or no through another center, right? We do use all three centers of intelligence. And when I teach about the Enneagram in my private one on one sessions, or in workshops or in Partner sessions we talk about your tri type, right? And that is your domination in all three centers. How you have preferred strategies in all three centers of intelligence. Your home base, wherever your core type is, definitely resides in your your go to by sign and default. But true emotional intelligence and effective critical thinking comes when we take ourselves through the process of our mind, body and soul, right? So if you're the instinctual type, bring in the heart or head before you commit and vice versa with all the other types. And, and I want you to make. I. I want you to know that's how I've made this decision as well as many, many, many other decisions over the last 13 years. But this is how you know and can discern if this is truly a yes or are you afraid of something else? Right? I, I also know. I know what I know what I know you know. This is also the beauty of being almost 54 years old too. I've got a lot of receipts, a lot of time, a lot of time on the planet, A lot of time doing the wrong things and not trusting or hearing even my intuition and the calling. And I've also made a lot of really good decisions through this emotional intelligence using the beautiful, beautiful framework and tool of the Enneagram. And this decision that I've made, it's one of the scariest ones I've made. I'm not gonna lie. I am not gonna lie. You know, my eight in me absolutely is like what the. Like this is going to be really vulnerable. You're doing something new. Are you kidding me? Like seriously, the vulnerability of, you know, being exposed for, you know, certain things or, or ruffling feathers in some sacred ground where I'm highly, highly regarded. Yeah, that does not feel good. And also that is how I am a change maker. When eights allow and embrace vulnerability, they are some of the most powerful, beautiful, integrity filled leaders in the world. Hello Mother Teresa. Hello Martin Luther King. Right? And I dominate as a two in the feeling center. So my heart to serve, my care, my empathy, right? My empathy to look at the world the way it is currently and know that I am about to blaze a trail that gives people freedom, choices, options, confidence, joy, all the things. And I know that a lot are afraid to make these bold decisions. So this is where I go first and blaze the trail, but also do it with care, service, heart, right? And finally my thinking center. I've had a love, hate, honestly with my thinking center and the way that I dominate in that center. It's why I am the 911 call for people it is why everybody kind of checks with me when they're making a decision. Because they know my spidey senses and my strategic as brain can see through anything and poke holes in anything. I dominate like a six in the thinking center. You know the troubleshooter, the, the most worst case scenario thinking which that can be paralyzing. Which for 18 months it has felt like that, right? The overthinking, what about this? But what about this? And when this kind of came into my Vortex, everything about my 6 brain was like yes, that was scary and also really, really exciting. So that's how you can take yourself through the process too. And if you haven't gotten your enneagram blueprint, that will be a great starting point to even know how this compass might work for you. I highly recommend if you do the blueprint, there's an add on of a 30 minute live reading. And in the live readings I do go through your tri typ the blueprint. You do not. Or if you want to spend 90 minutes with me and we go deep dive into all areas of your life, we do like 10 years worth of therapy in 90 minutes. Let me tell you, you can go to tracyomalling.com and book those things. I highly recommend. Especially if you know there's something that is coming or you don't know what to say yes to and what to say no to. I highly recommend to it. So here's a five step practice that you can use. It's one that I use myself. Pause. The power of the pause as an 8. That is not a natural move for me. I'd rather react. I'd rather ask for forgiveness than permission. I'd rather run into a burning building and ask questions later. But this pause will allow you to use the framework of the enneagram, like the atlas, like the compass and really be able to ask yourself some of these questions again, compassionately, kindly and with curiosity. Number two, take an inventory. Right? Again with the same caveat. Compassion, kindness and curiosity. Ask what's the real motive here? What's the real truth? What's the real fear? What's what validates this and what lights you up for the expansion that this could bring? 3 cross check it. Pull in the other centers of intelligence to test it. Now I will say this. Sometimes we can use our centers of intelligence, the other ones in a not so great way, right? I can be as a 2 in the feeling center over giving people pleasing, right? And then my six like I said, worry, worry, worry, worry, worry. But when we really Know how to use the gifts of these other centers of intelligence. We can discern this a lot quicker than if we ruminate over it. Number four, ask if fear wasn't driving this show, what would I choose? What would I choose? That was a big one for me, and it always is a big one for me. You know, whatever your core fear is, and you know, in. In the Enneagram blueprint and within your Enneagram type, we all have a very distinct, distinct core fear. Like I said, mine is vulnerability. And if I didn't let that fear, vulnerability drive, there was no question in my mind that this was a full body. Yes. And number five, move the reps. Build the confidence. Action will quiet the fear, the insecurity. Decide with grace, with conviction, and then take action. Because this is not about perfect decisions. It's about aligned ones. And you know, I have a very clear idea and knowing of where this will take me and the thousands and thousands of people like you, that what I'm about to do can serve. And it's going to be messy, and it may take me on paths that I don't expect. And this is the beauty of almost 54 years. More is always revealed, and joy really is found in the journey. A lot of the lessons and the gifts that come aren't from the goal line, but they're. They're the ones that come from the soul line. So here's what I want you to walk away with. Okay? Your fear doesn't get the final word right. It can have a voice, but it does not get a vote. Your clarity does. Your calling does. And when you learn to tell the difference between fear in disguise and a true yes, you stop outsourcing this power to other people, places and things. That's exactly what I've been practicing in real time with this new project. I can't wait to share it all with you. I'll be sharing more soon. But just know this. What's coming is born out of that. That deep, aligned. Yes. Using the very thing that I teach to guide me, lead me and tap into my faith and to that channel and to that divine wisdom that we all have access to. And I want that same thing for you. Because when you know who the you are and you lead from that place, your decisions stop being random. They start becoming your revolution. And that is what my hope is for you. When you know and know how to honor your edge, life changes and life flourishes and fulfillment and joy run the show and the rest. Let me tell you, the money you make, the people in your life, the soul, family, everything that I talk about, they show up. And that's what I want for you. All right, you guys. It's a big one. You know, not easy. I'm not saying that this, any of this is easy, but I know that you are, that I am. That we all are worth it. And it's my honor to guide you to not just owning, but honoring your edge. If you love this episode, please share it with somebody. I would love to know what you loved about this again. You can go to traceyomalley.com to get your blueprint if you've already done your blueprint. Reach out to me if you want to do a 30 minute live reading where we go through it and I reveal your tri type which again, all the centers of intelligence by design for you. Or spend 90 minutes with me. You could also find me on Instagram @tracy o', Malley, where I will be sharing all the things coming my way and your way. Very, very soon. More will always be revealed. I love you guys. See you soon. And that's a wrap on today's Dive into the Edge. If this episode hit you in the gut or lit a fire under your ass, good, that means it's working. Here's the deal. Transformation is not a checkbox. It's a damn decision. And the Enneagram, it's your ultimate power tool when you actually know how to use it. If you loved today's episode, share it with somebody who's ready to stop playing small. Subscribe, leave a review, and if you're really feeling brave, shoot me a message and tell me what cracked open for you. Remember, your edge isn't something to be polished down. It's part of you that was always meant to lead. Until next time, stay sharp, stay true, and keep walking. Your edge, it.