E273: How to Try New Sex Positions Without Killing the Mood

I think what many women don't realize is that like there are many shades of an erection.

Like, is that gonna be your book? The Many Shades of Erections by Zander Marin.

That's good. The Shades of Erection.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of And I'm just a regular dude.

We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. This week we are talking about trying new positions in the bedroom, and we're going to tell We'll tell you all about it in a minute, but this has been a very hot topic for us recently because we have been updating something and having to do a lot of our own personal research on new positions.

Tough guys, tough work.

But I kind of want to rat on us. Rat us out?

Yeah, rat us out.

Rat on us.

Rat us out. Rat on us sounds a little weird. You can rat us out though. You want to tell on us?

I want to tell on us.

Okay.

Something a little embarrassing.

What?

Okay, so we've been trying out a lot of new positions, right? And we, uh, we like scoured the internet because there are some incredibly weird websites out there with some of the worst positions I've ever seen. And we were like, you know what, we gotta try them all. Maybe, hey, maybe they're onto something. Maybe we're the dummies thinking like, look at this ridiculous Like AI, super creepy website. Like maybe we're the ones wrong and these positions are actually great.

It's possible.

Spoiler alert, they were all terrible. None of those made the cut. But we also turned to our community. We asked people like, hey, if somebody gives us a position that we have never heard of or tried before, we're going to pick one winner and you're going to win a prize. And we got some really interesting ones from our community. So we've been trying out a whole bunch of positions and we recently Have found someone, some that were winners. And so Xander and I, we were adding them to one of our guides. Again, we'll tell you more about this like a little bit later, but we are getting them custom illustrated and we are working with our copywriter to like help us write really fun copy about like how to get into the position and how to move and all this like fun stuff for it. Do you know what I'm talking about yet? I have no—

I'm listening with bated breath.

Okay, so actually there are 2 embarrassing things. One is that In order to get all these custom illustrations made, we had to take photos of ourselves in the positions.

Fully clothed, by the way.

Yes, fully clothed. But like, it was like as much work as I've done on getting more comfortable with my own sexuality, with my body, with our sex life, as much as we like talk about our sex life on this podcast, on the internet, in front of literally millions of people, I was so embarrassed taking those photos.

Well, I mean, it makes sense 'cause we don't show our sex life. That's not a part of our business. Despite all the creepy people that do ask for that online, we don't do that.

So I actually, like, when I was sending them, so we took the photos and then I either like cropped our faces out of it or sometimes I put like a big smiley face emoji.

Nice.

I'm just like, I don't want somehow if these photos get lost on the illustrator's end or something, like I don't want these photos of us like in sex positions out on the internet. So that was like embarrassing. Also, we had to like send them to all of our employees Like, okay, help us write the copy for this one. Like, you know, I would give our copywriter all the instructions on it, and she's like helping me make the copy like more fun and playful. So it's just like, sorry, this is a weird part of your job that you have to receive photos of your bosses in sex positions. But the second thing, the more embarrassing thing, is that there— this was— this happened over the course of several days. And there was one day—

Oh, no.

where we were so upset with each other. Like, we had had one of the biggest fights that we've had in a long time. I honestly don't even remember what it was about. It was something stupid for sure. But like, we were so upset with each other. I don't think we were like barely even talking that day. And I knew that like we had to take these photos because we were working on this tight timeline with our illustrator. And so we like had to take photos of ourselves in sex positions while we were not speaking to each other.

I don't think we were not speaking. That makes it sound like really serious.

No, it was not. To be clear, it was not a serious fight. It was just one of those stupid fights where you're like, you're fighting over something dumb.

The one that feels serious in the moment and then you're like, wait, this isn't really serious.

Yeah, when you look back at it later, you're like, oh my God, I cannot believe we fought over that. You know, we've fought about some stupid stuff. So it wasn't anything serious. We're not on the verge of divorce. We're not like arguing over anything that actually matters. It was just, you know, one of those, one of those kinds of moments. But it was just so funny to be taking photos of ourselves in sex positions while we were upset with each other.

Well, did the— did it break the ice at all? Because I can't really remember that much anymore.

You really can't remember that?

Not like that specific moment. I mean, I, I know— It was so awkward. We had a period, we had a, we had a couple weeks stretch where there were some stupid Stupid fights that we were getting in over some stupid issues. Um, but you know, I don't, I mean, I remember like maybe where it was just like, all right. I was like, I think that we named, I think I was like, I was like, this feels really weird to do. And you know, I know this is important, so let's just do it.

Oh, so now you do remember it. It was funny. I mean, it was definitely like one of the, one of the silliest moments. So looking back at it now, I think it's hysterical, but in the moment it was definitely like, Wow, what a weird life I am living right now.

Yeah, it's a weird business, but that's what we do.

We're dedicated. We're dedicated to the craft. Our silly little arguments be damned, we are gonna make some good sex positions for you guys.

I mean, we gotta get the illustrations on time. That's the important part, right?

I'm so excited about the illustrations. They're so cute. Okay, so for this episode, we put a question box up on Instagram. We said we're doing an episode all about positions. Hit us with your questions. What do you struggle with? What trips you up? What do you want to get better at? What do you want to know about positions? So we got some really interesting questions. I am super excited to go over them and give you lots of tips, tricks, and advice. So let's get started with— I think this is a great intro question. How do we start introducing new positions in the bedroom if we've been together forever? This is— I need to come up with a better name for it. But it's like, actually, I don't even have a name for it. But it's like the vanilla, the long-term relationship vanilla effect. Obviously, that's a terrible name.

The vanillaization of long-term relationships.

I need help. I'm so bad at naming things. Vanilla, old vanilla. I don't know.

Old vanilla? It's like, I kind of like the somethingization because it's like that implies that it's like it's something that happens over time. It sounds absurd to say the Vanillaization is a weird word. But it kind of is. That describes it because what it is, is that the longer that you are in a long-term relationship, the vast majority of people find that their sexual routines, preferences— not preferences like with yourself, but like what you express to your partner— all of this tends to get more and more vanilla. We tend to narrow the scope of what we do, what we ask for. And all of a sudden it becomes like, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like, oh, well, we haven't done a new position in years, so therefore we can't do a new position because we are people that don't do new positions. And it like, it goes, it goes from like a trend to all of a sudden like a value judgment on who you are.

Ooh, that's an interesting way to put it.

And so it's, yeah, we go from like, man, it's been a while since we did that to like, Oh, I guess we're just people that don't do that. And then once you get into that place, it's really hard to do something new because you've formed this identity about who you and your partner are.

Yeah. I think at the beginning of relationships, we're often trying a lot of new things to see like, how does sex work between the two of us? And we're also like trying to impress each other. We're putting on a good show. We're trying to make a good experience. And so we do go through this process early in a relationship where we narrow in on, we hone in on what works for us. And I think that's actually a great thing. Like, we're figuring out this is how our bodies work together, this is what's fun to us, this is what we like doing together. But then over time, that gets narrower and narrower and narrower and more and more and more vanilla. So most couples who have been together years or decades, their sex is so predictable, they could— like, one of them could script it out beforehand and that's exactly what's gonna— Like, you know Exactly what's going to happen. Anyone listening to this right now, like, you already can play it in your head of like, yep, we do this for a few seconds, and then we do this for a few seconds, and then we do that for a few seconds. Like, you just know what it looks like. And so, and like you said, we start getting these ideas of, well, that's what sex is between the two of us. Or I actually really like what you said about like, these are the people that we become.

Mm-hmm.

This is who we are. We turn it into an identity. And so it becomes harder and harder and harder to suggest trying something different. Because it feels like, yeah, that's not who we are. Or a lot of times it feels like, well, if I ask for something different, maybe my partner's gonna think I don't like what we're currently doing. Even though the irony is a lot of people don't like what they're currently doing. They're longing for it to be more varied and interesting. Or maybe like you're okay with what you're doing, but you would love it a lot more if you opened the repertoire again.

You're okay with what you're doing, but you're just okay. With what you're doing.

Yeah, yeah. So back to the question of like, how do we start introducing new positions? Like, this is such a great question because this is a perfect example. Like, I think positions are one of the most simple ways to spice up your sex life. Like, this is not going to your partner and saying, hey, actually I wanna open up the relationship, or do you wanna do a threesome, or do you wanna do this like very elaborate role play with me? Like, positions are, it's very common. Everybody knows what they are. I don't think anybody's like opposed to doing new positions. So it's this very simple thing and yet still, you know, this couple is stuck in this trap of like, oh, I don't wanna suggest that, you know, we do some new things. So we always say the point of this podcast is here to open up conversations between couples. So you can literally tell your partner like, hey, you know that Pillow Talks podcast I listen to? Or like that podcast we listen to together, hopefully. Like, yeah, this week's episode is all about trying new positions and it made me realize like, I don't think we've tried a new one in a while and I love trying new positions with you. So, What do you say?

I thought you were talking to me for a second. You're like, we haven't tried a new position in a while, and I was like, girl, we've—

No, we've tried a lot of new positions lately. What are you talking about? So the key anytime that you're asking your partner for something is to phrase it in a really positive way. Your partner picks up on your tone when you're making requests. So if you go to your partner and you're like, hey babe, I want to talk to you about something like Kind of embarrassing and like, don't get upset. Like, don't get mad. Don't get mad.

I've been thinking about this for a really long time and I've been scared to bring it up to you.

Like, my skin is already like tingling. I'm like, oh no, I don't like it. So if you're approaching it like that, your partner is automatically gonna go on the defensive. What's about to happen here? I feel like I'm on attack, under attack, and they're not gonna respond well. But contrast something like that with, you know what? Oh, it just popped into my mind the other day. That position that we did a couple months ago, like we never went back to that. I don't know why, because I had such a good time with you.

Or I heard this podcast and they were talking about this sex position that I've never tried before. I was thinking about it and it would be kind of fun. I feel like it might be fun to try it. Would you be open to that?

Yeah, like if you phrase it in a positive, excited way, you're talking about like it's something that you want to do together. You're not saying anything negative about, we're so boring. We never do new positions. I can't remember the last time we tried a new position. Like, don't say any of that. But if you're framing it positively and excitedly, your partner's gonna pick up on that vibe and they're gonna respond in the same way too.

Yeah, I like, I think it could be fun. You're not saying, You're not— because I think people get hung up with suggesting something new of like feeling like they have to guarantee that they're gonna like it, even though they never tried it. So, I think it could be fun. Are you willing to try it out with me? Let's see if it is.

Yeah.

Like that's— you are seeding the idea that it could or will be fun, not a, oh God, we have to do this remedial sex position because we don't do enough. And you're making it really clear that it's like, hey, this is something for us to try. Together, and we get to decide together if this is fun or not, rather than like, oh yeah, there's this one position that I used to do with my ex-girlfriend.

Oh my God.

And I think that we need to do it.

Do not say that. Please do not ever say that. Another thing that you could do is, so over on Instagram, we're @VanessaAndXander, and Xander's with an X. We have a whole Reels series where we act out the worst positions that we find from the internet. And like it's a very funny series. I think like we're at like a 90 to 95% fail rate on them and it's like always just us in these ridiculous positions and we're laughing. So you could show your partner one of those and say like, this made me laugh so hard. Like let's try this position. Where you're saying upfront like, I know this position doesn't work but I just wanna have that fun of like playing with you. And then from there, you know, you can kind of talk more about other positions to try.

Mmhmm.

you actually would like to try. But that's like kind of a low-stakes way to make it feel like, 'cause to your point earlier that a lot of people think if you ask for something new, you have to guarantee that you'll like it.

Yeah.

Which by the way is like going to a brand new restaurant that you've never been to before and saying, I want the iceberg salad and I am gonna promise you that this is the best iceberg salad I've ever eaten and I am gonna love it and come back every single day and order this salad. Like, what? No, you're like, it sounds good enough on the menu I wanna try it, but I have no frickin' clue if I'm actually gonna like it or not. I have to actually have a bite of it and see if I like it.

Yeah, and to be clear, if you wanna try our bad sex positions, I would not recommend trying to do them during sex.

No, do them clothed.

Think of it like a couples challenge. Like, let's see if we can get into this.

Yes, fully clothed. Don't do it. You'll like hurt yourself doing it naked. Don't try it.

You will have a bad time.

But I will say like one other thing is all of this experimentation that we've done with sex positions throughout the years, I think this is some of the most connected I've felt to you. Even when we do the bad positions.

Well, it's fun.

It's funny. Because we have so much fun together. It's silly. We're giggling and laughing. We're falling out of the position. We're trying to figure it out. And with the good positions too, like, I mean, we've had sex thousands of times. You know, like, we know what sex is like between the two of us. But there's something really cool about like this latest round. We found some new positions that we had never done before in almost 20 years of being together, thousands of times of having sex. And like, that was really cool to get to have an experience for the first time with you.

Yeah.

And especially as, yeah, like, you know, I don't— maybe this is taking it a little bit of a step too far, but Neither of us were virgins when we met each other. We'd had sex with other people. I don't even like using— I don't even like using the word virgin, but we'd had sex with other people.

We both knew that.

But trying a brand new position is like a way that we get to have a first with each other. Like, I've never done those positions with anybody else, just you. And I think that's cool. Did I take it a step too far? Is that too weird?

I don't know.

It just popped into my head.

I mean, I'm gonna be super honest with you. The sex that I had before you, I mean, I probably did maybe 3 to 4 positions at most.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

That's cute. I don't think I did, uh, I mean, you know, we met at 22 and 23. We weren't having the most exciting, exploratory, creative sex before then. But, uh, yeah.

That's funny.

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That's a good question. There is no clear definition of what truly constitutes A new position. Probably—

I have a criteria, I think.

What?

I think I have a criteria if you're struggling.

Oh, great. Yeah, I mean, I would say that probably like a legs up versus legs down probably would be more of a variation within a position, but what's your criteria?

My criteria— so first of all, I don't think it really matters.

Yeah, who cares, first of all?

You know, who cares? But I would say If it meaningfully changes the sensation or the experience, count it as a separate position. So this is something that we actually ran into in creating our Ultimate Sex Positions Guide is we were trying to, you know, we didn't wanna like, we could have artificially inflated it.

Yeah, we could have like doubled or tripled the number.

Now we have like 3,000 positions if we're like, oh, well this one you change your right leg by 30 degrees. You know, like we could have made a million new positions. What we do in each position is we say variations. Here are like different ways to play within this position. So that was like the rough guideline that I used in deciding is something a variation or is its own unique position, is like if it meaningfully changes the experience.

But even then I— Sometimes you'll find that some of those variations create a slightly different angle where you're like, oh, this is way better. But I do think that ultimately, Typically, one of the reasons that we do do different positions is to have a different experience. Typically, because they all feel a little different, to give us a new experience, a different view of each other's bodies. I mean, that's kind of why we did it. If intercourse just felt the same no matter what position you were in, I doubt that people would do different positions.

Mm-hmm.

Right? Like, it is because it is a different experience. So yeah, if you're like, yeah, this is a pretty Substantially different. Oh my God.

Vanillaization.

This is like a substantially different experience that I'm having. And like, you know, I'm feeling like I'm in a different enough position. It's a different position. But also backing it up, there sort of is the question of who really cares? We are gonna talk, there are some questions about like how many positions should you be doing? I would focus less on what is the technical number because there is no technical number since we just said that there's no technical number. There's no technical definition for what actually changing positions is, but I think that the goal should really be about giving yourself a variety of experience while you're having sex. A great example is like in missionary, the person on top can be, you know, kind of like right down, like hugging you, like their body aligned with yours, or they can put themselves up on their hands into kind of a push-up position.

Mm-hmm.

And like that is, That definitely does yield a different experience. But your bodies are still configured very much the same way. So while in our sex positions guide, we might have that as a single position, if you are moving around a lot in missionary doing different things, you're getting the benefit of doing a lot of positions, certainly, because you're creating different sensation and new experiences. All right, next question. What, in your opinion, is the most underrated position? And it can't be missionary.

I love that they added that.

Not missionary.

Well, we do have a podcast episode about how missionary, like we think missionary gets shit on a lot, but they're actually like, we love missionary and there are a ton of variations and different kinds of missionary. But this person's saying no missionary. So we're not going to answer that.

Well, yeah, they clearly listened to that episode, which is great because that is a good episode because yeah, I would say missionary would be like my desert island sex position if you could only choose one for the rest of your life, because really there are probably like 10. If you wanna kind of nitpick about it or create different experiences, like missionary gives you like 10 different positions. Kind of like, like how I'd say I'd pick potatoes if I could only pick one food, because I can have all kinds of preparations of it.

Okay, so I will say Okay. The most underrated position is the— actually the reason that we went through this whole update to begin with. It was the initial seed that got planted. Let me take you back to July 2025.

The seed that was planted. That's also kind of a double entendre in this context.

Oh, I didn't even think about that. We were in Nicaragua. For Xander's birthday, a surfing trip, as we always do on Xander's birthday. And—

Well, given what you're about to tell, it was also a sex trip.

It was. We discovered a position that we had never discovered before.

Knocked our socks off.

Absolutely knocked our socks off.

Well, it's because we never had the correct height bed to do this position. And all of a sudden we were like, oh my God.

And that was the initial little seed that was planted. I need to come up with a different— the initial light bulb that went off around, I think we need to update our ultimate sex positions. And we unfortunately were not able to get around to it because we had a lot of other projects on the docket, but we have been working on it for the last couple months. It's finally done. And I will say that position was— now that we've discovered it, I'm like, where was that position my whole freaking life? And that is the power of sex Yeah. That I have this— I, who admittedly, my memory— I'm in my 40s now. My memory is not what it used to be. I can't tell you what I had for lunch yesterday, but I remember with crystal clear detail what that experience was like of discovering that with you, of returning to that position a few times on that trip, and having so much fun.

So what was the position? What's it called?

So you will see that position in our updated version of our Ultimate Sex Positions. We're recording this a couple weeks in advance. So we actually, one of the very last items on our list for this update is finalizing the names. We don't have the name finalized. So I think it will probably be either the Stand and Deliver or the Bedside Manner. We actually got a ton of like— we had a ton of really fun ideas for names for this position.

So you'll see it.

You shall see it.

But this is highly, highly underrated. You do need a bed or a counter, a surface of a certain height, but if you don't have that height, like our bed is too low, sadly, but you can use—

But we have found some ways to work around it.

You can use a pillow to prop yourself up.

Oh, and we'll talk about that in a second. We got a question about that.

Okay.

Anytime we try to switch positions other than missionary, it kills the mood.

Why?

And then I wanted to group that question with this question, and I'm gonna have you answer it because I think this is likely to be the reason. Second question was, what if he goes soft because it's taking too long and fumbly to get into the next position?

Yeah, this is a really good question. And I think that this is one of the reasons, whether it is that you struggle with the penis-haver losing their erection or losing some of it while you're switching positions, or whether you just feel awkward moving around, I think this can be one of the biggest reasons why people are hesitant to try anything new or to even try anything beyond just a single position, which is usually missionary. I kind of want to go for just the first question first. I would be, to this person, I would be really curious. When you say it kills the mood, what does that mean for you? Are you talking personally, like just for you, it takes you out of the moment? Or is this like both of you, you and your partner are both like, feel like you kind of, the experience diminishes after you switch positions? Because I think that there's definitely— there are some technical things that we could talk about, but I think that there's also some sort of like mindset and maybe even kind of like shame things that could be coming up where, you know, I do think that if you were raised in a fairly sex-negative household, sex-negative society, pretty much if you were born in the US, you grew up in a sex-negative—

Yeah.

Society, or at least at the very best, maybe sex-neutral. If we have it in our head that sex isn't really supposed to— like, it's not really supposed to be that enjoyable, it's something that we're supposed to do, or that we're supposed to do just for procreation— that can feel at odds with, well, if we're having sex and we're switching positions around willy-nilly, like, we're clearly having a good time with it. So I think that We gotta get really honest with ourselves about what is coming up for you. Are there any other kind of like mental blockages that you think might be coming up? There's probably some body confidence stuff as well.

Yeah, it can definitely bring up a lot. I, I think the main thing is probably just this feeling of sex should flow naturally and effortlessly. I mean, that's always how we see it on TV and the movies, right? Nobody's ever communicating, nobody's ever fumbling around, nobody's ever like, wait, hold on, I'm not able to get in in this way. Move your leg a little bit more.

Yeah.

So when we have to have those conversations, it feels awkward and we feel like we're doing a bad job and killing the mood. So my brain goes to 2 places. Like, first, I wanna normalize, you should talk during sex and you should have experiences where you're like trying to figure out, like, here, open your legs, or like, let me go over here, let's do that. Like, we We have to do that when we get into positions. And like, that's totally normal and fine and okay. We don't judge ourselves or each other for that.

All the time. Or it's like, hey, help me. Help me get it in here. Like, I gotta be on my hands. Like, insert me, please.

So there's that aspect of it. I wanna normalize that there is— it's effortful to change positions and that's okay and great. That can be very bonding, actually. And there are also certain positions that work better. So like to transition into. That was actually a part, like one of the coolest features of our Ultimate Sex Positions that I was really proud of is we went through all of the positions and we came up with like what are the positions that transition smoothest. And we even came up with entire adventures, like groups of positions. It's like start here, then go to this one, then go to this one, then go to this one. Yeah, do these 5 and then do this one. And we gave them different names. So like there's romantic ones, there's like animalistic and wild ones, there's super creative ones, there's for the beginners, you know, ones. So especially for a couple who's new to exploring positions, especially for a couple where there's a guy who tends to get, you know, struggles with his erection when he's switching positions, going with those flows is gonna be much easier and it's gonna take the pressure off. And hopefully that'll help you build up the confidence and the experience to then get to the point where you're like, Like, you know, one person can fully get up off the bed and you can walk to another room or do a position that's completely different, you know, from the original one.

Yes, we do have to be real here. Some positions require a complete, like, we are getting up and completely moving. Like, one person is getting up, both people are getting up and totally have to change positions. And so all stimulation stops. There are other positional changes that don't require that. And that's why it can be so good to start to learn other positions. Because the thing is, the 3 kind of major positions that we do, missionary, cowgirl, doggy style, those 3 do not flow into each other at all. Like, there is no way to switch between any of those while maintaining penetration. Yeah. When those are the 3 positions that we do, then yeah, of course, if you have a problem with The act of sort of like, okay, we are going to pull out and then we're going to get into new positions. We have to reinsert all of that. If that takes you out of the vibe, then that's going to be problematic. Yeah. I mean, I would also ask for you, what is the mood that you— when you say it kills the mood, what is the mood that you're going for? If the mood that you're going for is, oh, it just completely flows naturally and no one says anything and no one talks, no one blah, blah, blah. If that's the only thing that you are willing to go for when it comes to sex, I hate to break it to you, you're gonna have honestly a really boring sex life.

Mm-hmm.

It's just, it's going to be extremely limited because you don't have the option to, hey, let's try a different position. Hey, let's do this, it might feel better. Or like, hey, I'd like to, you know, I'd like you— I'd like it if you went a little slower, a little faster. Like, you are putting severe limits on what you can and can't do. So I think that you gotta reexamine what, when you say the mood, the mood that you're trying to maintain, get critical about what that is.

Yeah.

Because ultimately, the people long-term that are happiest with their sex life are the ones that are able to talk about it, they're able to laugh about it, and they're able to have fun with it. Not, it has to be really serious and it has to be really like natural. That's just going to limit you to basically like missionary, basically, and not much else. And missionary is probably not that pleasurable for one person because you're not really open to like asking for any adjustments, and that's not what we want for you. Okay, when it comes to somebody though who is finding that they're often going soft in between positions because it's too fumbly, I mean, okay, a couple things. I already sort of mentioned that some positions don't require Mm-hmm. So I would try to focus on identifying a couple sequences of positions that don't require that. And if you need some help with that, our Ultimate Sex Guides, really, it's going to be really obvious once you get those. Once you're reading through, you'll start to see, oh yeah, okay, these positions are all kind of take place in this one orientation. Oh, these other positions all take place in this other orientation. So it's pretty easy to start putting it together. And then obviously we have the journeys where like we He laid it out for you. I would focus on those. Number one, it's a really easy technical way to ensure that there isn't going to be a lack of stimulation. Now, if you do want to transition between positions that do require pulling out and then going back in, if you are not feeling super, super hard, because I think what many women don't realize is that there are many shades of an erection.

Is that going to be your book? The Many Shades of Erections by Zander Marin.

That's good. The Shades of Erection. But no, there are many flavors of an erection that are not always immediately visible to your partner when they're looking at it. But I can definitely feel the difference between like, oh yeah, I'm really hard and it's going to take a little bit for me to lose this. Then there's a lot in the middle, and there's somewhere it's like, okay, I'm just hard enough that I could get it in. And then probably once we start, I'm gonna get harder. If you're in that place where you're like, yeah, I definitely feel like I am at risk of losing an erection, or without any immediate stimulation, it's gonna get too soft, then definitely do not put pressure on yourself. to switch to a position that is gonna create a little bit of lack of stimulation. And maybe, and I know that can be an embarrassing thing in the moment, as much as Vanessa and I talk about this, as much as, you know, I share what my experience with that is like, and she knows and understands, I get into those moments at times, and I still find myself being like, oh, just gotta put my head down and get through this.

Mm-hmm.

Like, you know, rather than being like, oh, you know, Hey, you know what? I actually don't want to change positions because I feel like I might get a little soft.

Mm-hmm.

So one idea is come up with a little code word or something. Talk about it in a neutral moment of just share the experience. Hey, it can be really hard in the moment because I want to be having sex with you and I'm battling. That desire is kind of battling against this little voice in my head that's like, Okay, your erection feels like maybe it's not all the way there. The last thing that you want to be doing is thinking about— is having more thought on that side, the side that's worried, the side that's anxious about it. So if there's just a, you know, little code word that you want to have where it's just like, hey, this is the situation, let's stay in this position, or, you know, let's not make any adjustments because if we do, I worry that I won't be able to finish.

Mm-hmm.

I think that could be a great A great conversation to have. And then finally, if you find that you regularly, with a couple seconds of not any stimulation, you're starting to lose your erection, there are a couple options. You can use your hand. The moment you pull out to change positions, you can use your hand to give yourself some more stimulation. You can have a conversation with your partner, again, at a neutral moment about, hey, this is what it's like for me. I want to be trying more positions with you, and it's really challenging because I find that without constant stimulation, I start to lose the erection, and then we can't do the more positions. And so asking, is your partner open to using their hand on you, using their mouth on you temporarily for 30 seconds or something in between switching positions? I think that that can be a great way to be like, okay, great. I know that I'm going to be getting some extra stimulation. So those are definitely things to consider. And then, yeah, Vanessa kind of referred to the possibility of certain positions where you might actually want to get up and go to a different room. Like say to, oh, well, we can do a certain position on this couch and that is in a different room from the bed. Definitely only do that if you are in a situation where you are like, yeah, Yep, I am really hard and I feel really confident about this. Like, do not try to walk around unless you feel really sure that you've got the right erection for it.

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Damn.

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Quince.com/pillow.

Okay, next question. Best pillow or furniture for sex positions? By far and away, hands down, we have the best suggestion for you. We have tried everything on the market that exists in this category and have been wildly disappointed.

Mm-hmm.

Last Christmas? The Christmas before that? '25?

Yeah, before that.

Or '24?

Well, it would be—

How long have we known? Was it last year?

It would be '24. Last year was Christmas of '25.

Christmas of '24. I was really struggling to come up with presents for Xander because he is so hard to buy for. I got an ad for this sex pillow and I said, fuck it. I don't know. I know we've hated every other one that we've tried, but I got to get him something. So I'm going to get him this. Well, you went for it.

it because the— well, I think there were 2 things in the ad. One was there was— it was actually a very honest ad. It was like, this sex pillow is not cheap, but it's beautiful.

Yeah.

And, and that really got you because the reality is, if you've ever looked at sex pillows, you probably have an idea in your head of what they look like. It's some wedge thing. It's this like weird fuzzy fabric. It's probably really brightly colored. It looks exactly like a fucking sex pillow that you want to hide in your closet so nobody ever sees it when they come to your house. And then of course you forget to ever bring it out, and even when you do, it's still kind of weird and confusing, right?

And I have to say, like, furniture— so I love the idea of furniture. I love the idea of like, let's have a whole— you know what it just made me think of?

What, the show where they make the sex rooms?

No, no, no. I don't know why this popped in my head, like those like Legolands for hamsters. It's like people will turn a whole room—

I was not a hamster child, man. That was not a thing for me.

Remember our friend Kaylee?

Yes, I do, I do.

Her dad like just turned an entire room into like a hamster land. Okay, so like as much as I love the idea of like turning my bedroom into a hamster land for sex, sex furniture is fucking ugly. And it's big and it's bulky and everybody knows what it is. I saw this Instagram reel.

And it's really useless for anything other than sex.

Yes, I saw this ad that like another creator did and they're, you know, showing it and I'm like, it looks cool, that's great, you know? But she's like, oh, and then people always ask like, what do you do when it's not in use? And like, look, I just put the COVID over it and it looks like a normal bench. And I was like, girl, nobody thinks that's a normal bench. And also that's an ugly-ass bench. Like nobody wants, It's this ugly bench taking up the vast majority of their bedroom. So like, I love the idea in practice, but unless you are some ultra wealthy person who can like create your own little private sex room—

That's why you build the sex dungeon in the hidden room behind the secret wall.

But I don't, I just don't have the space for, for sex furniture. So this pillow—

So yeah, you saw the ad and it was like, look, it's not cheap. And I think that actually piqued your attention because you're like, oh, well, the problem with most of these things is that they are super cheap materials. And hey, cheap can be good sometimes when you're saving money, but when it comes to actually a nice product that isn't going to be relegated to your closet, you don't really want a cheap sex pillow. And you were looking at it and you're like, oh, well, this is actually a beautiful pillow. It doesn't look like this is a sex toy or a sex pillow. It looks like this is a nice pillow that I would proudly display on my bed or on a shelf. a chair. For the most part, it looks like it's a beautiful looking pillow that is totally at home on a bed. So you don't have to throw it in the closet. It's really nice material. So it goes along with, you know, like an actual pillow, like pillows that you put on a couch or a bed.

Yeah. And it makes a difference. That's the most important thing. Like who cares if it's pretty or whatever? Like it makes a noticeable difference. We are obsessed with our pillow to the point that we actually became advisors to the company because we're so obsessed with it. So we'll put the link in the show notes for this episode. You can also just go straight to vmtherapy.com/pillow.

Yeah, you'll see exactly who the company is.

We have it.

What the pillow is, and, and it'll give you a little discount.

Yeah, we have a top-secret discount that other people don't get to have because we are advisors to the company.

All right, Vanessa, how long do you give a position before deciding, nah, this isn't So if you're trying a new position and it's causing pain or discomfort, just stop.

And I think it's totally fine to not explore that position again. Like, sometimes you're just gonna have positions where it's like, this does not work for our bodies. If though you have an experience that's like, you know, there's no pain or discomfort, but like, I didn't really love it, or I feel like we like didn't quite get that right, Then I say give it 3 chances.

Okay, 3 strikes.

3 strikes and you're out. Because the reality is that we, we just have to play around with the position to figure out how it works with our unique body, and it's not always a home run right out the gate. Sometimes we just have to play around with it a little bit. So give it a couple of chances.

And sometimes you also have to give it a test run, like a clothed test run, just so that you can Mm-hmm. See how to get in and out of it. That's actually a great way to combat the first time trying it for real being a kind of meh experience.

Yeah.

Because you've done a test run. And actually I should have added this to the question a couple ago about like, you know, he's going soft cuz it's taking too long and fumbly. It sounds like in that situation, like absolutely, if you're fumbling around, it's because you haven't done enough, you haven't done a Proper test run to really be like, oh yeah, okay. It's like literally play it out. Okay, we are usually, you know, if we go from missionary into this new position, who moves where? And I know that sounds silly, but it's actually kind of fun to do.

Mm-hmm.

It's fun to do. It gets you thinking about sex and it gets you kind of connected and in a playful mood. That's a great way to make sure that your first time doing one is a higher chance for success.

Next question was, how long should we be spending in each position on average? This is a really interesting question that I don't know if I have a number answer for you.

Yeah.

I think it's like, just do it for however long you're enjoying that position. But also, that being said, okay, the next question that we're gonna get to is, how many positions should we be doing during sex? And we have some really interesting data for you. I do think that there is a value to switching positions more frequently. So I would say— this is kind of fun for me to have to like think about if I could give a number to it. Well, what do you think we do? I'd say maybe like 3 to 5 minutes. That was kind of the number that was popping into my head.

Maybe, maybe less.

2 to 5 minutes?

Well, it depends on the type of sex that we're having and how long we're spending on it, I think. I would say—

Yeah, I think it like sometimes—

Maybe in the 2 to— maybe in the 2 to 3, 2 to 4 minute range, I feel like. But here's the thing with this one: I think that it all— it really depends on the vibe. And I think that also there might be a gender difference in this as well, because for men, I think that men can be more inclined to like switch, switch, switch, switch, because for men And then if you chart sort of the level of pleasure over time, typically the longer, or how close you are to orgasm over time, for most men, it's kind of like an upward thing. If you keep having sex, you're going to get closer and closer and closer. And for the most part, if we take a 10-second break to switch positions, I'm like, I might move down one notch in terms of pleasure, but I'll be right back to where I was a couple seconds later. I'm not like, oh, I guess I'm starting from zero again. Whereas many women need longer, more sustained stimulation in a certain position or in a certain position with additional hand stimulation on the clit. And so the act of switching can Mm-hmm. Depending on kind of your own relationship with orgasm. So I think that this is something that there isn't a clear answer. It's more of a couple-by-couple conversation, I think, of, hey, what is each person's experience? And especially if there's one person that typically takes a little longer to orgasm or needs something more specific than the other partner, I would generally default to that person's needs rather than the other person's in terms of informing like, you know, how long we spend. If the one person's like, hey, you know, when we switch positions every minute, I feel like I can't catch up, right? Then it would be like, well, let's not do that.

Yeah.

That's just shooting us in the foot if I'm insisting that we keep changing. Like, it's not like your partner's going to wake up one day and all of a sudden they're like, oh, actually, I love it now. My body totally changed. So I think we kind of got to accept, you know, where we're at with All right, how many positions should we be doing during sex?

I think this is the burning question that most people have, and we have data for you.

Oh, we have tons of data. I love what we do because we're able to do so many surveys and get so much data back from people to kind of test our ideas or even to get, you know, to To learn like what does and doesn't work for people. And so, yeah, we have a whole survey where we've asked people like, how many positions do you do in a session usually? How many positions overall do you cycle between? Like what's in your repertoire? You know, and the cool thing is that we also ask people like, how satisfied are you with your sex life? So we have the actual numbers to know what stuff is correlated with people, like people actually being happier with their sex life. Because I think it's one thing to know what are people actually doing It's another thing to know what are people who are really happy doing? What things are, you know, are going to bring me closer to sexual satisfaction rather than just what everyone else is doing? And so here's a great example. So like 20, 21% of people said they do one position in a typical session. 74%, so almost two-thirds, three-quarters, not two-thirds, almost three-quarters of people said they do 2 to 3 positions. And that makes a lot of sense to me cuz that's basically your big 3, missionary, cowgirl, doggy. Then 4% of people do 4 to 5 in a session.

And that's wild.

And actually 6+ was, well, I, I won't say zero, but it rounds to zero.

It was like 0.00001.

Essentially, essentially no one is doing 6 or more in a session typically. Now that doesn't mean that no one ever does that. We abs— we, Vanessa and I absolutely Sometimes we'll do 6 or more in a session, but that is, you know, those are few and far between. Those are like, you know, when we're, when we're having a really good time. Um, but the interesting thing that we found when we crunched all these numbers was that what was actually the most correlated with people having higher sexual satisfaction, it was not how many positions you do in a typical session. It was actually how large is your position repertoire? Like, how many positions do you regularly cycle between? That is what people that had higher numbers in their repertoire generally had a much higher sexual satisfaction or satisfaction with their sex life than people that didn't. So people that say, we only ever do one position, they said they were Yeah. Were like 4.4 out of 10. So less than halfway satisfied.

Yeah.

So, you know, in more the less satisfied area. People that had cycle between 2 to 3 overall, so that's basically your big 3 positions, they rated themselves 5.9 out of 10. So a little, a little over meh. If 5 is kind of, eh, so-so. Then people that had 4 to 6, they were up to a 7 out of 10. So getting better. And then people that did 7 or more, not in one session, but regularly, they had a repertoire of 7 or more that they cycle between, they were an 8 out of 10. So that's starting to get into the excellent territory.

Mm-hmm.

So it's a really interesting, it's a very clear relationship. The more that you have at your disposal, the more that you're generally comfortable with it at, you know, the drop of a hat, you could be like, hey, you know what? Let's go into this position. Those are the people that report being way more satisfied with their sex life. So I wouldn't focus you on trying to hit a certain number in a given session. I would instead get honest and say, how many positions do we really cycle between regularly? If it's 2 or 3, how could we increase that by a couple positions? And so it just, it makes things more exciting. And so obviously people that, where things can be more exciting are having a better time. So it's a pretty clear relationship. So I wouldn't focus on how many in a given session. I do think that you'll find though, if you have more to draw from, you might find yourself doing more in a given session. Because it's not just like, oh, I guess it's this or that.

So by far and away, the number one question that we got asked when we put this question box up was something along the lines of, what positions do I do? And a lot of people said—

How do you get from 2 to 3 to 7 or more?

A lot of people said like, this honestly feels a little bit embarrassing. Like, I feel like I'm supposed to know a ton of positions, or like, I've tried positions that I've seen online and they really didn't work, and then I felt embarrassed and I didn't want to do it again. But like—

That makes sense because almost everyone we find online sucks.

So this is exactly why we created Ultimate Sex Positions. We have looked I actually have like, I have a little kink for like collecting weird sex positions guides. I've got some like super weird ones from like the '70s and '80s. It's like so weird. So I've always been kind of fascinated by this, but what I've found is that I've never been able to find a resource that had real positions that actually worked, that weren't like cringeworthy, and that had real instructions too.

Yeah, the instructions piece I think is what's missing from a lot. It's like, and a lot of them, it's like, okay, let's hire some models and get them naked and actually get them into these positions and photograph them, 'cause that's gonna sell. And then it's like, yeah, we're not gonna tell you how to do it.

But then, yeah, then you're left looking at this picture like, I have no clue. Like, how do we get into that? How do we move in that? So that is what we've broken down for you in Ultimate Sex Positions. The original version of it had 42 fully illustrated positions with step-by-step guidance, tips for how to move, make adjustments, to make each position work for your unique bodies.

Yeah, those are like the variations.

And we made so many fun categories of like what each position is good for. We made those adventures of positions, the good transition positions. And we've just really found this way to help like to explore new positions in a way that just makes your whole sex life feel more playful, more exciting, like you're discovering each other and discovering having sex. sex, having those first-time experiences with each other. And I just think it's so fun to find those positions that like, I think so here's, I want to set expectations. Like a lot of the positions, some of the positions, they're just not going to be your vibe. That's normal. Like not everybody, not everything works for everybody.

Yeah, we do not regularly do all 42 in there. We have our favorites. We have other ones where it's like, yeah, you know what? Like this isn't either of our favorite ones. So we We're not gonna do it regularly, but we absolutely know that other people love this one. It works. It definitely works. It definitely is pleasurable. It's just not our favorite, and that's totally fine. Yeah.

So we have like a lot of positions that we'll do every once in a while because like they're fun and it's nice to like, you know, mix it up and try something different. And then we've found like there's a group of them that we're like, holy shit, those are our absolute favorite positions, and we return to them again and again and again. So like I was mentioning earlier in the episode, inspired by the Nicaragua adventures, and then I got a second dose of inspiration with the pillow. Like we've been, you know, we've spent the last year and a half exploring all these different positions with the pillow, and now we're getting a ton of people reaching out to us saying, I got the pillow too, and like I love it in the positions that I already know, but like I want more positions. So I thought, okay, let me update update our positions guide. And I got a little carried away. I got a little carried away.

Well, we had a little bit of sex and we started discovering that there were maybe more positions available to us with that pillow than we even realized ourselves.

Yeah, I thought— I told my team like, okay, I think we'll do like, you know, maybe like 5 to 10 new positions or something like that. We ended up with, I think it's like 22.

Damn.

Plus, in the process of exploring the pillow positions, I was like, oh, well, this could work without the pillow too. And then I also had the thought to put that question box on Instagram. And I said, you know, somebody who gives us a new position, you will wind up winning a free version of the guide. So somebody won. There were some— I think we got from our community maybe 5 to 10 new positions that we hadn't tried. Some of them did not work. We were like, wait, really?

Or we did not receive great instructions. That's, you know, we didn't always get the greatest instructions. We tried and not all of them worked respectfully. I'm sure they work for you, which is great. But unfortunately we were not able to replicate.

So we have new position, new standard positions, all the pillows. We're just, we're including those as a bonus. We realized like, you know, we are getting a lot of people saying, I got the pillow, I want positions for it. Obviously some people who get our Sex Positions Guide don't have the pillow, and so those are just like bonus.

Yeah, there's no requirement to get it.

Yeah, you don't have to get the pillow.

But we think that you will be really happy with it, 'cause it's like 99.8% of people, of the messages that we get about it are just like, it's incredible, it's changed our sex life.

Yeah, and we are doing a little special right now. The entire guide with all of the positions, and there are also like, I don't wanna go like do a whole long speech here, but there are also a ton of other bonuses within the guide too about how to make sex more pleasurable for both of you, all these troubleshooting tips. There's a whole bunch of bonus content. But right now we're doing a little special where you can get all of that for just $49, which is half off the usual price of it. Which we've done other sales before, but half off is crazy for us. We do not do half off. But this is only for a very brief period of time, only until the 17th. That is Monday. So you can go to vmtherapy.com vmtherapy.com/ultimate-sex to grab your copy. That's vmtherapy.com/ultimate-sex, and we will also put the link in the show notes for you. All right, well, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.