E278: How to Get Out of a Relationship Rut: Your 4-Week Plan

44% of people, that's almost half of people, said yes, currently in a rut. I also asked, like, I gave one of the options was not now, but we've had one in the past. 40% of people said that they have had at least one rut in the past. And never had a rut, 5% of liars.

Wow. I mean, great, great for the 5— you know, it's 5% of people that haven't been in relationships very long.

Yeah, like we did. They're like the first year or two.

We've been together for 6 months.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa.

And Xander Marin.

I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude.

We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. If you are feeling like you're in a rut in your relationship right now, you are in the right place. Today's episode, we're gonna do something different that we— I don't think we've ever really done something exactly like this before. We have talked about relationship ruts before because they are surprisingly common. I think when you're in the middle of a rut, it's very easy to feel embarrassed and ashamed and feel like other people don't wind up in this kind of place, but they actually do.

Yeah, like everybody's happy. Everybody's happy but me. It's happening for everybody else and we're just stuck.

They're very common. That doesn't make them any less enjoyable. Like, it doesn't feel good when you feel like you're stuck in a rut with your partner. So we decided to come up with a 4-week structured game plan for getting out of your rut.

Yeah, because who doesn't want a good game plan?

Yeah. I mean, you know, we've given tons of advice before about like different ways to get out of a rut, but I thought it would be useful for us to like really come up with a Super specific plan of like, okay, 4 weeks, here's what we're doing in each week. We're also trying to make this really manageable. This is not like go on a 2-week vacation and then everything will be great. These are little activities, bang for your buck kind of stuff, but a specific plan for helping you get out of that rut.

Yeah, and I think that's so important because I think one of the most challenging things in relationships is that everything can feel so big. Even all the advice can feel really big. And it's like, okay, yeah, we're in a rut. I know we gotta do, we gotta communicate better. I know we gotta have more emotional intimacy. I know we gotta have more physical intimacy. I know we gotta have more date nights. But like, how the heck are we gonna do all of that?

Mm-hmm.

It feels so impossible. It feels like, you know, you've like fallen really deep in a hole and it's like, I can't reach the top. I can't jump out. I can't climb out. Like, how do I even start getting myself out of this? I know that I need to get outta the hole, but I don't know how to. Which is why, you know, we just wanted to break this down into actual, okay, you're gonna do this today, you're gonna do this midweek, you're gonna do this at the end of the week. All right, next week you're gonna do this. So I, we're super excited for this. But before we actually start sharing that game plan with you, I gotta tell you this week's review of the week. Reviews are so important and are so helpful in helping our podcast grow. So what we do is we pick a review every single podcast. It's either a review for the podcast itself or for one of our products. And if you hear your review read aloud, then you've won a free masterclass from us. All you have to do is DM us on Instagram or email us at info@vmtherapy.com to claim your prize. And if you want to leave a review, well, you can DM us about any of the courses of ours that you've purchased or leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Scroll all the way down to the Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts, smash that 5-star button, and leave us a In short, review. All right. This week's. Ironically, I have a master's degree in communication and I'm a college professor. I'm very well-versed on communication styles and the concept of communicating in a style that's received the best instead of what is typically most comfortable for you. However, I have never equated the same concept to initiation styles. I thought I was broken. I actually had my hormones tested because I feel like I have zero sex drive, but always I wind up enjoying myself and thinking, why don't we do this more when it's done? We are complete opposites. He's a boob honking, Spontaneous type, and I'm a don't even think about it while I'm washing the dishes responsive type. Eye-opening. We have the same fight over and over. I need emotional intimacy first. He needs physical intimacy to feel connected. We'll get there. Appreciate your work.

We just love hearing reviews like this, and I think this is a really relatable one as well. So many couples struggle with initiation, and poor initiation is not just annoying, like an annoying boob honk. It can also lead to more arguments, resentment, disconnection, not to mention a significant decrease in your attraction to your partner, to your libido overall. But it's something that, like this person mentioned, like, is it— we really tend to overlook it. So we do have an incredible course that covers this and that covers all the specific things that they called out in their review. It's The Art of Initiation. So if you want to check it out, you can go straight to vmtherapy.com/initiation, or you can get access to it plus most of our other guides and courses inside Deeper, our brand new membership. We will We'll link both of those in the show notes for you. Okay, so let's talk about ruts. I think first we got to define what is a relationship rut.

Yeah, I mean, we're going to talk about how to bust a rut, but first we got to define the rut itself.

I hate that phrase.

Bust a rut?

Bust a rut. It sounds terrible.

I mean, I think it's kind of a fun way to poke a little bit of humor at a challenging topic.

Poke humor?

Wait, sorry.

That was a real Vanessa-ism right there.

Yeah, wait, what am I mixing up? A real bit of humor. What am I—

what, what?

I don't know. What are you? Inject a little bit of humor?

Sure.

Poke fun at. Poke fun at. There we go. Wow, that really was. What is that? A malphorism?

Malphorism.

I think— Malaphor.

Malaphor. That's when you mix up your metaphors like I do. But it's always me. You've never done it before.

Technically speaking, that's not— it's not a metaphor. It's a Aphorism.

Or idioms?

Idiom or aphorism. An aphorism is like a quippy one-liner.

Okay, so ruts. Okay, there's not any like technical definition of what a rut is, but it's essentially just feeling like you're stuck in a cycle. Things are feeling repetitive, they're feeling boring, you're not feeling connected to each other. It can often look like conversations are just about the logistics of life, like, you know, who's picking up Timmy from soccer practice, It's always Timmy. It's always Timmy. Who's picking up Timmy from soccer practice? Did you pay the electricity bill this month? You're not having any like deeper, more meaningful conversations.

It's like roommate style conversations, right?

Yeah, absolutely. Quality time is just like zoning out on the couch. You're watching Netflix. You're both on your phones at the same time. Like there's nothing quality about the quality time.

Quality time is like, yeah, we cohabitate the same house. We sleep in the same bed. That's quality, right?

Yeah, not quite. And typically in most ruts, you're also not having sex. And probably not much like kissing, touching each other in general. Like you really are feeling more like roommates. You're sharing space with each other. You're not in a relationship with each other.

I think also one of the most challenging things about this type of rut is it can be really hard to tell that you're getting into it until you're really deep in it.

Mm-hmm.

I think that's, that's like—

Kind of sneaks up on you.

Yeah, it, it really sneaks up on you. Um, yeah, I mean, it's like, I don't know, I'm thinking, I'm trying to think of like an actual metaphor for a rut. Like where might you actually fall like physically into a rut? Like you're, like you're driving down the road and like you start slowly drifting off to the side and like boom, before you know it, you're in a rut. Um, but no, I, I think that it is, yeah, it's, it's really a challenge. I know like the, you know, I would say the one time in our relationship where we got into a pretty serious rut, I think was early on in our relationship. I was working my ass off in a job, really trying to, like my first job out of college and like really trying to advance my career. 'Cause I thought that was like the sole measure of my success as a man and as a provider in our relationship. And I just didn't have time or energy to like do anything. I was getting home super late at night after like working all day. And, and yeah, it was like, partially I just thought like, well, oh, I'm, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, right? Like Vanessa should be aware of that. And, you know, it wasn't until like probably months and months of that and, and us starting to have some conversations about it, it was like, oh yeah, this is like, this is not, this doesn't feel good for either of us. And yeah, I mean, the challenge with ruts are the deeper you are into it, the harder it is to get out. And so, yeah, it can be really hard when you don't realize it for a while.

We turned to our Instagram community and we asked, do you feel like you're currently in a relationship rut? And this actually blew me away. 44% of people, that's almost half of people, said yes, currently in a rut. I also asked, like I gave one of the options was not now, but we've had one in the past. 40% of people said that they have had at least one rut in the past. And never had a rut, 5% of liars. Wow.

I mean, great for the 5%. You know what? It's 5% of people that haven't been in relationships very long.

Yeah. Like we've been together for 6 months. No, I mean, everybody's different. Everybody's unique. But I do think Getting into a rut is a pretty universal relationship experience.

Yeah, it's absolutely a universal experience. I think in a way it's kind of like a rite of passage. Like we have to do these things. We have to make mistakes, even when we know objectively like, oh, yeah, I shouldn't do this. We shouldn't do that. It's not good to do X, Y, or Z. I can't think of anybody that like doesn't ultimately have to learn from a couple, from making a couple mistakes on their own. And I think this is This is really true here as well. Um, you know, I, it, it's so, it is really sad to hear that 44% of people, almost half of people feel like they're currently— Right now.

That's wild.

In a rut. I mean, I think that it's like, this is such a tricky topic cuz it's like, like I wanna be really kind and empathetic and I also wanna like give some really real talk. Like it's, It is totally normal to be in a, to find yourself in a rut at one time or another, but you do not need to be in a rut like right now. You don't need to stay in that rut. I think the challenge for so many people is that they just get stuck into it, stuck in it.

Mm-hmm.

And think like, oh, this is just kind of the way things are gonna be. Or they, they do what I did when we were in this. And, you know, it wasn't until, you know, you had some pretty serious conversations with me before I changed my mindset. But I, you know, I think a lot of people do this. Like, my perspective was, oh, well, it's just temporary because I'm working really hard because I'm on these, like, they gave me an extra project and I'm trying to prove myself because I just got a promotion. And so, like, you know, in like a month, this project for this client is going to be over and like things are going to go back to normal.

Mm-hmm.

Right? It's like we keep finding excuses or reasons, external things, where it's like, oh yeah, that's happening or whatever. Like, that's going to end soon. Or it's like, oh yeah, well, the kids are going to go back to school. And so then the schedule is going to get more normal. Or like, okay, we only have a couple more years before the kids are out of the house, and then everything is going to change. But, you know, ruts do not go away on their own. And the deeper you are, the harder it is to get out. So I just want to say to those 44% of people, you can and you should climb your— climb your way out of this rut, because your relationship, your life, everything is going to be so much better if you can do that.

And I want to touch for a second on why we get into ruts in the first place. Honestly, like, there's no, like, magic behind it. It's just life gets in the way. You know, we all are so busy. We have so much on our plate. It's very easy for your relationship to slip to the bottom of your to-do list. I think a lot of us take our relationships for granted. Everything else feels like a fire, an emergency that we have to take care of. And it's like, my partner, like, we're dependable, we're solid, like—

We're committed.

Yeah, we can just backburner it. And there's also the socialization that we get where all the focus is on finding the partner and wooing each other and winning them over and getting into the relationship. But then—

Getting engaged, like getting married. Yeah, it's like you hit all those milestones and then it's like, oh cool, we did it, we're done.

Yeah, and so we're not used to this idea of actively working on our relationship, continuing to put effort into it. So it's just so easy to get into that place with each other.

Yeah, I mean, which is kind of interesting. I think of like a fitness or gym comparison. It's like nobody, nobody has ever said like, oh yeah, just like go to the gym really hard for like a year, get, get totally ripped, hit your fitness goals, and then just stop. Just stop. You're good. You built the body that you want. And it's just, you don't need to keep putting the work in. It's, it's gonna stay like that, right? Like hearing me say that, that sounds, that sounds crazy, right? Like. No, like, I can't— I've never heard anybody say that. Oh yeah, once you get the muscles, then like they just stay there, right? But like, we do this with relationships. Why would it be any different? Why would your relationship be any different? Why would, you know, just like symbolically getting married or something exempt you from the fact that it's like we're still 2 people with a relationship like that is alive and needs to be nurtured and taken care of?

I just want to find high quality basics, but like that aren't basic. And that is why—

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Okay, so before we get into what your plan is for getting out of this rut, let's talk a little bit about how to get your partner on board with doing this with you.

Yeah, because your partner might not even be aware that you're in a rut. I think that is so common where it's like one partner seems like blissfully unaware and the other partner's like, it seems like we're having a bit of a problem here.

So first I want to normalize, it's really common for one partner to be more willing, more interested, more actively taking the lead in working on the relationship.

Or at the very least, it's probably the person that identifies first that they're in a rut.

Yeah. And I know that can be tricky, especially in a sensitive situation like this. It would be obviously so much easier if both you and your partner in the exact same moment were like, when we're not. That scared Maggie. But that's not how life works. So let's just normalize that.

It also sounds kind of crazy when we say lines together on the podcast, right? Like, so just as weird as that sounds, that's literally how weird it would be if you both looked up at each other. I mean, it's kind of like we always joke around about like sex drive. How weird would it be if like, The moment I get turned on, Vanessa is like, oh my God, I'm so wildly turned on. You know, it doesn't happen. And so it's not gonna happen in this situation either.

So here's how to bring it up with your partner. So the main thing is that you wanna frame this as a positive team-oriented conversation. So this is not about blaming your partner. This is about the two of you coming together as a team, and you want it to feel like something exciting too, because at the end of the day, this is an exciting thing. Reconnecting, not being in a rut, like that's way better. Than being in a disconnected rut. So in general, I tend to make the recommendation to just blame life because that is often the culprit for the vast majority of ruts. So saying something to your partner like, I know we've been so busy lately and that our relationship has slipped to the back burner. That is not what I want, and I know that you don't want that either. So I really like that statement because you're making it clear to your partner like, hey, I care about you, I care about us, I don't want us to be at the bottom of the to-do list. And you're giving them the benefit of the doubt, the grace, the goodwill to say like, I know that's not what you want either.

Yeah, I think this is so important because I think if you are the person listening to this right now and you are like, yeah, we are in a rut, I don't think my partner realizes, or maybe their head's buried in the sand or whatever, or they just think it's temporary and it's naturally going to fix itself, but I know that's not the case. I think it's so important to be aware of just the dynamic, the unbalanced dynamic of you bringing up, hey, I think we're in a rut, in a more matter-of-fact or kind of unskilled way. Because even if you are not saying we're in a rut and it's your fault, even if you're just like, hey, you know what? I think that we're kind of in a rut, your partner is likely going to receive that in a way of like, oh. So the subtext is, okay, My partner is aware of this, has probably been aware of this for some amount of time.

Mm-hmm.

They've been thinking about it. They're not happy. They don't think that I, you know, they obviously don't think that I'm aware of it. So like, they've been aware of it. I'm not. So like, I must be doing something wrong. They're saying, they might be saying I need to do something different. So it's like, it feels like the deck is almost immediately stacked against you. if it feels sort of like it's just this one-sided, like, hey, I've been noticing for a while that things are feeling disconnected between us. And it immediately just kind of gets you into, it really primes you to do what I was saying before about overly blaming situation or it's going to get better on its own or whatever, or finding some external thing or even flipping the script and being like, you think we're in a rut? We're not in a rut.

Mm-hmm.

And then you start trying to argue like, oh, here's all the things that I do. to be intimate with you, or, you know, whatever. You're in the rut. I'm not in a rut. You know, like something—

You're in the rut.

This is your fault, not my fault. And it's like, wait, wait, hold on. Like, we weren't even trying to talk about fault. So I just think that's so important to be aware of. Even if you think like, hey, I'm just trying to be real matter of fact about this, it can bring up some really tricky dynamics. So I like what you said about, you know, and I think the key here is, I know you were saying, you can blame the situation. And, you know, I was— I am aware I was also just talking about how it's not great to be blaming the situation. I think the key here is it's fine to be like, hey, there have been all these external things going on that have been making it challenging for us. The key though is then pivoting into, so we need to do something about this together, rather than, yeah, I know a lot's been going on, but let's just wait another month until those things end and things are going to get better.

Yeah, yeah.

I think that's That's the big difference here. So yeah, blame the situation, but then suggest action that you two take together.

Okay. So after you say, I know that you don't want that either, you can say something like, but the timing is perfect because I just heard a Pillow Talks podcast.

Oh, it's the action that you can take. Wow.

This is— yeah. I mean, just use this podcast as a conversation opener, as a way to open that door. Like, yeah, I just heard this podcast episode. Vanessa and Xander just released it and they have a specific game plan for how couples can reconnect. Would you be open to doing it with me? It would mean a lot to me. So like sharing that, like invite your partner to do it and sharing like, hey, this would really mean a lot to me. Like that's a great way to get them invested and open to doing it too.

Yeah. And I mean, depending on your situation, it could even be like, look, they have this thing that's about like getting out of a rut. I don't really even think we're like in a rut per se, but like They, all these ideas are super, super good for just reconnecting, being happy. I'm curious what it would feel like if we actively did some of these things. If we thought about this as like going to the gym for our relationship.

Okay, so let's go over your 4-week rut-busting game plan.

You said it. You said it.

I just, rut-busting, that's different. That's not the same phrase.

Oh, your 4-week bust-a-rut game plan?

Okay, so here's how we've laid this out. There's a different theme to each week. And in each week, you're gonna get a daily 5-minute activity, a midweek— like do it at any point during the week— something that'll take about 20 minutes, and then a date night idea.

Mm-hmm.

So you can feel free to make adjustments, make changes. If you don't like a certain thing, you don't have to. But again, we wanted to like really create this structure that you just— you didn't have to think about something. You could just Just follow the plan and we can guarantee you that at the end of these 4 weeks, you are gonna be feeling closer to each other. Okay, so the theme of week 1 is rediscovering each other. Because this is what happens when we get into a rut. We forget about each other and all the things that we like about each other. Like, oh yeah, you actually are my favorite person, not just the human being that always puts the toilet paper roll on the wrong way.

You actually are my best friend.

Yeah.

My lover.

No. You're just saying all the things to give me the ick.

My juicy lover.

Oh, no.

Sorry. Oh, you know, that's probably a couple weeks into the plan. I'll save that for later. Okay.

So this is all about like seeing each other with fresh eyes again, appreciating each other again. So your daily 5-minute activity, and honestly, this could take like even less than 5 minutes. This could take 30 seconds. But every day, tell your partner something that you appreciate about them. Now, the key here is don't be generic. Something like—

I appreciate you.

You look nice. Like, no. You might as well not say anything. Be specific and try to call out those interesting, unique little things. So maybe it's something like, I love how you always refill my coffee without asking, or, I love watching the way you geek out about birdwatching. Like something specific to your partner. So this is really helping train your brain to focus on the positive things. Our brains so easily focus on the negative, annoying, frustrating things. And then it's straight one-way ticket into Rutzville when all you're thinking about is all the ways that your partner says things that annoy you, like lover and juicy.

No, I think that's such an important point. And this point got really driven home Through a, through a really skillfully done example. When Vanessa and I, we were kind of at like a, like a business event maybe a year or so ago. And, um, you know, someone was giving a presentation and the very first thing this guy does in the presentation, like he's introduced himself and he like basically puts a slide up on the board and there's like a bunch of math problems, I think, or maybe like, you know, word association things. And he's like, all right, what do you notice about this? And like the first thing when you look at it is like, there's a bunch of math problems and like they all see— like most of them, almost all of them are wrong. You know, it's like 9+ 9= 10 and like, you know, like nice equals bad or stuff like that. And you're like, you're like, so everyone is like, oh, okay, like that one's wrong, that one's wrong. And like, you know, the like shape that he's like trying to show is like it says triangle but it's actually a circle. You know, like everyone is just pointing out all this stuff and There's a lot of wrong things on this slide. And so we spend a couple of minutes, he's calling on all these people and identifying everything that's wrong. And then we get to the end and then everyone's hand that's gone up has been called on and we're out of things. And he gets to the— he's like, okay, so nobody else? Nobody else? The question, mind you, is what do you notice about this? And he goes, okay, so you guys called out everything that's wrong. There are a number of things that are right on here. Nobody called that out. I asked you, what do you notice about this? Not what is wrong with this. But the important thing is like how quickly our brains, when we are presented with something going on, and that's something going on in this case is like your household, things that are going on in, like, you know, with when you are together, how very quickly we just pick up. On the negative. And so this is a really great way to force your brain to think about, oh yeah, what are some of those positive things? And it might even, it might seem silly, but just calling out those little, you know, and even if you're struggling to find something super creative, like Vanessa said, or like, oh, I like how you always, you know, do this with my coffee or whatever. Like literally just think of what was one nice thing that your partner did for you today, even if it's something that you expect them to do. It feels so good.

Mm-hmm.

And it's really just a start of retraining your brain to think differently.

Okay, then your midweek exercise is the Remember When game. So do some reminiscing with each other. Think back to funny, entertaining, like sweet memories, like maybe your first date, that time that you got lost on vacation, the apartment with a weird neighbor. So reminiscing is just such a great way to reconnect with each other, to remind each other that you've already like been through so much together, and it just feels like really fun to think back on different You know, random little timelines and events. It doesn't have to be, you know, huge milestone stuff. Sometimes just the random stuff. Also bonus points if you want to pull up any pictures. That can be a super— or even music too. Like, oh, this is that first song that I ever sent to you. The first band that we ever bonded over. So that can be super fun. This could be 20 minutes. Again, if you're really pressed for time, this could be like 5 minutes. Doesn't need to be a big deal, but just like a little bit of reminiscing can go a long way.

Yeah, I mean, this could even be Things you text back and forth during the day.

Yeah, that could be a sweet way to do it too.

But I think what's, you know, I just, I just thought of this as you were saying this. I think like if anyone has their doubts about this exercise or is like, oh, this feels really cheesy or overly sentimental, I think that this is, we don't give this the credit that it deserves for how well it works. And I, here's my proof of that is like, I can't— okay, I'm struggling to think of any specific— or wait, no, no, I do have a specific example, but it might not even be necessary. But like, I feel like there's a very common scene in rom-coms or like any kind of movie where maybe you have 2 characters who have broken up or have been divorced for a while. And then whenever there's a story showing like, you know, 2 people getting back together or kind of like, you know, they've been apart for a long time and maybe it seems like they're not compatible, but then like times have changed and like now maybe something is going to happen, it always happens over reminiscing. I think this is such a common scene in movies. It's like 2 people that have been broken up forever and they've been fighting and blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden they're like, you know, stuck together in a coffee shop and the brain is pouring and they start—

The brain is pouring?

The rain!

The rain! You said the brain.

No, the rain is pouring. They can't go outside. They're stuck there and they start reminiscing and laughing about stuff that has happened before. And like, as impractical as that might be, like, oh, these two are really gonna get back together because of this, our brains just give it a pass in the— in, in like when we're watching it on TV, because we're like, oh yeah, like that's, that's so sweet. Like, okay, that, that all makes sense. So it's like, if, if you can get two random people that you don't even know that are just characters in a TV show, and you believe the fact that, oh yeah, maybe there actually is something there because they're reminiscing about all this stuff, like—

Mm-hmm.

Think about how powerful that could be In real life, for 2 people that aren't divorced or aren't broken up and actually have a whole lifetime of memories together. Like, just think about that. That's my rant. Okay.

And then your weekend date night is to come up with a relationship ritual. So this is like something that can be just your special little thing. And we love relationship rituals because it feels like an inside joke, your secret couple's handshake. It just feels like this thing that's uniquely you. It's special. It's just between the two of you. Plus it gives you something to look forward to, especially when life is crazy, feeling really full. We have these rituals that we can look forward to. So some random examples could be like maybe it's you decide every Sunday morning we're gonna make pancakes together, or once a month on a Sunday morning we're gonna make pancakes. Maybe it's a monthly full moon hike or a quarterly one-night staycation where you just get in those fluffy robes and watch trashy TV and order room service. What's some little thing that could just be uniquely yours? So the planning of it is half the fun. So spend some time like brainstorming, come up with a bunch of random ideas, like be a little kooky and silly, but then decide on at least one thing that feels like a fun little ritual that the two of you could commit to. Okay, week 2. The theme of week 2 is bringing back joy, having fun with each other again. I think this is a major thing that is missing in so many relationships. We feel like we just don't have much fun with each other anymore. So this is all about a little bit more fun. Having those times where you like feel like you're just laughing so hard your stomach is starting to hurt. There's so many boring parts of being an adult and like having a household together. You're talking about insurance policies and the best way to load the dishwasher and all this stuff. Like I think it's important for us to have time when we can break out of that adult mode and just just be silly and playful and goofy with each other. Okay, so for your daily activity, we're gonna have you do something that we're calling joy confetti, where all that you're gonna do here is just text each other one funny memory, one joke, a meme, something stupid that you see on the internet, like literally anything. But it's just a way to like just sneak those little moments of humor, joy into each other's day. So you find like there's a little video that makes you giggle on Instagram, just send it to your partner. Do you remember some ridiculous memory between the two of you? Just send them a quick little text or a voice note or something like that. So it's just, these are really those tiny little moments, but it just makes life feel a little bit more fun.

Yeah, and I think even if this feels totally out of character for you, I think the problem when we get into these ruts is like you get into the rut and you're like, oh, well, we haven't been doing anything funny or silly for so long, so it's gonna be weird if I do something funny or silly. But it's like, what's gonna be weird is if you stay in this rut forever. Like, you know, bleed into the weird. Like, who cares if you don't usually do this? Like, this is about creating new habits, new traditions that are going to create that joy and going to bring that connection.

Then midweek, see if you have time for like 10 to 20 minutes of would you rather couples edition. So we actually, within Deeper, our couples membership, we do a daily would you rather question because we think they're just such great conversation openers. Like, they're oftentimes ridiculous. situations and scenarios so they feel fun to answer, but also there's usually some nugget of information that you get about your partner, something you didn't realize about them, a preference that they had. It opens a conversation in a way that you didn't expect. So we just think that this is a super fun game. So you could ask your partner things like, would you rather we lived in a tiny house with a giant garden or a giant house with no yard? Would you rather I could read your mind or you could read my mind? So they could be silly, they can be serious, they can be about your relationship, about nothing at all, but like just play a little around back and forth. It can be super fun.

Oof, that mind reading one, that's a rough one. That is a rough, rough one. I don't know what I would choose there. Wow. But it would start a really good conversation because you're like, yeah, like you're thinking about it, Oh God, like, do I really want her knowing like every little thing that I'm thinking about? But then like, God, do I really want to know every little thing she's thinking about? What's better? What's worse? But it really opens up.

That's a really rough one.

Yeah, that one's kind of rough. Maybe don't start with that. That's one to work your way into. But you know, you can see how it starts to open that conversation of like, yeah, what would it be like if we actually were able to know each other's thoughts? Would we think differently about each other? Would we be able to set stuff aside? Like, it's just interesting.

OK, and then your weekend date night is to have an adult playdate.

That sounds sexy.

And that's week 3. No, this is to channel your inner 12-year-old and do something that is purely fun, like something that you would have loved doing when you were a kid. So maybe it's like going mini golf, maybe it's an air hockey tournament, maybe it's like a dance-off. Like, it could really just be as silly and ridiculous as you want, but it has to have zero practical value. Just like pure fun, pure ridiculousness, taps into your inner child in some way or another. But just giving yourselves that time to do something really ridiculous and silly with each other.

What would you choose?

Ooh, I think I'd maybe do like a mini golf. I like mini golf.

What do I know? I know we don't have a mini golf in town.

It's like 45 minutes away.

I know we've never been. You know what? We should go. Don't they just for fun? I was gonna say the same thing.

They have like go-kart rides at that place too.

Oh yeah, that's fun.

Why are you grimacing though? You're like, ugh, I'm sorry. No, I'm smiling.

What do you mean grimacing?

Okay, week 3, the theme is rebuilding closeness. So this is all about getting a little bit more physical with each other. So obviously we are big believers in the importance of physical intimacy. We believe physical intimacy isn't just sex, and we also believe that sex isn't just a purely physical act. This is all about like really finding the joy and the connection in sharing our bodies with each other. Oh my god, that came out so cheesy. Okay, but we are also going to make this feel really practical, and we are going to slowly build up to stuff too, because oftentimes when you're in a rut, You probably haven't had sex in a while. You're probably not touching each other all that much. So it can often feel intimidating to get back in the saddle. So we're gonna ease you back into it. So your daily activity, and this takes 36 seconds. So this is a real—

Or 30, because you could do them at the same time.

This is a real, real simple one here, but you're gonna do a 6-second hug and a 30-second kiss. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You got those backwards.

Oh, you're right. Jesus, 30-second hug and a 6-second kiss. So research has shown that those are the exact timeframes that our bodies need to release oxytocin, which is the feel-good hormone. It's what makes us feel close and connected to each other. So this is such a great simple tip because it's literally 36 seconds, or yes, it could be 30 seconds if you do them at the same time. But it creates so much impact. Like, you will feel so much closer to each other. If you just did one thing, like, in this entire game plan that we've laid out for you, the 6-second kiss and 30-second hug makes such a big difference. So don't need to, like, set a crazy timer. We don't need to be, you know, ridiculous about it. But, like, the cool thing with the hug is that you'll feel the point when your body's relaxed. Like, it feels like your body going, Like this kind of melty feeling with each other. So every day, 30-second hug, 6-second kiss. Then your midweek activity is a 20-minute massage. So you're gonna take turns. You're each gonna have 10 minutes. If you want to go longer, this is a great one that I think a lot of people are like, we can find a little bit more time for this one.

What about for the people that are like, oh, a massage?

No, it's a real massage.

Real ass massage. An actual massage. Not on your ass.

I mean, it can be if you want to.

Not a sexy one on the ass.

But this is 10 minutes at least for each other. Now, if you do not know how to give a massage, that's okay. That's totally fine. It doesn't need to be fancy. It could literally just get in there with their shoulders, their hands, feet. Those are all great parts to try massaging. And again, you do not have to get fancy or look up a YouTube video, just like 10-minute couples massage, and you can find tutorials where they'll walk you through Like, here's how you do it. So I think this is such a— this is gonna be a very popular one. So find that 20 minutes sometime during the week for a massage. Okay, and then your weekend date night is to carve out 1 hour for an intentional intimacy date.

Mm-hmm.

We like using the phrase intentional intimacy instead of scheduled sex Because scheduled sex, it just sounds boring and like—

People hate it.

Yeah, people hate it. So we like to think about being intentional and intimate rather than like, we don't want it to feel like the pressure is on, you have to have sex on this specific day, like you're signing a contract and committing to it. So our thought behind intentional intimacy is that we agree to carve out time To spend with each other and to do something involving physicality. Cuddling, holding hands, making out, giving longer massages. Like, you're just doing something with your bodies to connect with each other. If you do feel like doing more, you can absolutely do more. But the idea is simply to carve out that block of time and say, we are spending this time with each other. We are making each other the priority for this Yeah.

And I think that for anybody that is doing this, and they're in a relationship rut and also very much in the middle of a dry spell, if it's been a really long time since you've had sex and that's feeling scary, the prospect of like, oh my God, so you're telling me to just boom, we're going to commit to having sex? I think that my recommendation there, especially if you guys are are both on board with this and you're talking about it, I think it can be really powerful to be like, okay, we are going to slowly work our way back into the saddle over a number of weeks. So we are gonna have this intentional intimacy date. Let's say, at most, it's like first base only. We're just gonna touch each other and not go any further. than that. And then, but what you can do is say, and then, you know what, we're going to do that for the first week. Then let's do this again a week later. And we maybe we will just do second base. And then the next week we will do third base, like oral. And then the fourth week we will have, you know, we will have intercourse or, you know, whatever the main event is for you. And I think having that structure where you're like, where you're like, okay, this is the max that we're going to do. It takes a lot of pressure off. It takes a lot of pressure off and it allows you to both kind of get excited about going back to doing things that honestly most couples neglect. And we've done that before in times where things have, where it's felt like it's been a long time. And I think that's a really great way to get back into the saddle in an intentionally intimate way.

Okay. And let's bring it on home with week 4. The theme is future vision. So at this point, you've reconnected, you're playing together, you've rebuilt that physical closeness. It is time to look forward. So without this step, it's really easy to fall back into the old patterns. It's like, okay, yeah, we did the thing. All right, back to normal. But this week is about creating these shared dreams, shared visions for the future. And I think this is something that most couples never do in their relationship, creating shared dreams, a shared vision for the future. And it actually It actually is a surprisingly and shockingly powerful step. So here's the daily activity: future anticipation. So every day, just share one thing that you're looking forward to doing together. So it could be something super simple like, oh yeah, I can't wait to try that new ramen place that just opened up. Or it could be something bigger like, I'm so excited about the trip that we're taking next year to go to Portugal. Something like that. One thing that you're looking forward to with your partner. This helps create just these little sparks of anticipation. There's amazing research showing that anticipation in relationships is so powerful. It increases our motivation. It increases our enjoyment and our connection. So it just feels like fun. It's kind of, it's the opposite of the reminiscing. It's like, it's creating future memories. It's like future reminiscing? Future reminiscing.

Pre-reminiscence?

Pre-reminiscing. Yeah. So just again, this could take like 2 minutes. It could take 30 seconds. It could be a text that you send to your partner, but every day, just something that you're looking forward to about doing, like something that you're looking forward to doing with your partner.

Yeah. And to all those of you that get hung up on like, oh, but I like things to be spontaneous. I hate to break it to you, but the research actually does show that the more the anticipation of an event actually releases more dopamine or yields us more enjoyment than the actual experiencing of the event that we've been anticipating, which is so interesting, which is one reason why intentional intimacy is so powerful. But also, like, you know, planning for things in the future and then talking about it and getting excited about it. It's like, you know, we think like, oh, well, God, like we can only go on like one big vacation A year. So like, you know, it's just like, it's not enough. Or like, how are we ever supposed to, you know, I don't know, how are we supposed to, you know, get all that quality time together? And it's like, yeah, the quality time you get together on that big vacation is important, but you can actually create so much connection and anticipation, like literally like reminiscing in, in advance about this thing that you are going to do.

Okay, your midweek activity is a dreams discussion. So each of you are gonna take turns sharing a goal that you're working towards and how your partner can help make it happen. So this could be a personal goal that you want to work towards, or it could be a relationship goal that you want to work towards. And the point of this conversation is not to get into the nitty-gritty of like planning it and the logistics and how you're actually gonna make it happen. But it's just about being able to speak goals and dreams out loud and kind of daydream together a little bit. And it just helps reinforce that you are both there to help each other be the best versions of yourself too. So for your partner, like for you to be able to share your dream or your goal with your partner and for them to be able to say like, that's like, I support that. That's super meaningful. How else can I be a good partner to you in this? Like that can just feel so sweet to have those conversations.

Yeah. And I think a lot of people avoid this. I know that I used to avoid this type of conversation a lot. And I think this might be a more masculine thing, but I think like men, or at least I very often thought, if I'm going to share something that I want to do, I need to have a clear path for how I'm going to do it. Or like if by sharing it, I'm somehow committing. I'm like putting out onto the record, like Xander is saying that he wants to do this, so if he doesn't do it, he's failed.

Mm-hmm.

And so that was always really scary for me. And I think that that can be a big challenge for a lot of men because, you know, men tend to default to like the more practical or rational or like, okay, if I'm gonna talk about wanting to do something, I have to actually be able to tell you how I am going to get from point A to point B. And so I, I think, you know, that's kind of how we've like split this out where In the daily thing, we're talking about, yeah, like anticipating something that you are actually going to do sometime in the future, like where it is, okay, yeah, I do know the path from point A to point B. It's like we gotta get through the week and then we're going to the ramen place versus, you know, breaking out like, yeah, we're talking about our dreams. We are not talking about how we're going to achieve them. Okay.

And then your weekend date night is a relationship vision creation. So you're gonna create a relationship vision board or a document, whatever you want. If you're a more visual person, you can get crafty, like cut out pictures, tear up some magazines, whatever you want. Or if it just feels more fun and interesting to you to just like make a shared Google Doc or something, like whatever format feels better for you. And you're also gonna pick a timeframe of like, what do you want your relationship to look like either 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 30 years, like whatever timeframe feels fun for you. In this season of life. Like, pick a timeframe. And so the idea here is to come up with a vision board of what you want your relationship to look like by the time you hit that point. So what things do you want to accomplish separately, together? What do you want your relationship to feel like? What do you want to be working towards next? Like, you can really get creative here, but I think it's really great to have something visual. So whether it's some sort of collage or like just visually in a document to really be able to have Like this kind of wishlist for your relationship. These are all the things that we wanna be able to experience with each other. It just, it makes the future feel so exciting, makes you feel like a team in working together to get all those things knocked off your bucket list. All right, so that wraps up your 4-week game plan. So to summarize, you've got week 1 is all about rediscovering each other. Week 2 is about bringing back joy. Week 3 is rebuilding closeness. And week 4 is creating your future vision. So first step is to send this episode to your partner. Tell them, oh my gosh, this sounds so interesting. Can we listen to it together? I'd love to do this with you. Get that conversation started because at the end of the day, your love, your relationship, your connection is special. It's unique. It's okay and understandable if you've gotten into a rut, but your relationship deserves reprioritizing.

Yeah, your relationship is worth it.

And we really think that this game plan is going to get you there. So we would love to hear what you think about this. Like I mentioned, like we haven't ever really done a super specific game plan like this before. So come on over to Instagram, we're @VanessaAndXander. Let us know what you thought about this game plan, or I think if you're listening on Spotify, you can leave comments now too.

Yeah, let us know.

Let us know what you think. Don't hold back. That is all for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening and join us again next week. We release episodes every Thursday. After we recorded this episode, we realized, holy crap, that was a super valuable episode and we shared so many tangible strategies and this really comprehensive game plan and we realized As you're listening to it, it's going to be hard to keep track of everything because there are just so many aspects of this game plan that we go over. So to save you from having to take a million notes, we designed a free workbook to accompany this episode that's going to walk you through the exact steps and exercises that we talk about in today's episode. So head on over to the show notes. We will link it for you there. We highly recommend downloading it. It's just going to make— It's going to be so helpful. It's gonna make listening to this episode so much more enjoyable 'cause you'll know you already have the outline there for you. And we really want you to take action with this episode too. So having that workbook will make sure that you actually follow through on trying all these tips and techniques. So head on over to the show notes for that free workbook.