E276: How Do You Turn Your Partner On? (When You've Been Together For Years)

We want our partner to feel more desire. We get frustrated that we're not having sex more often, but we don't understand how their desire actually works. And it's like you're trying to do something, but you don't know how it works at all. I'm trying to come up with a comparison. It's like you've got the— you bought the IKEA furniture, but you didn't get the instructions, so you're just staring at a bunch of them.

Your toes are screwed.

The pieces trying to figure out, like, put it together. Why isn't it put together? Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin.

I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. At the beginning of a relationship, turning your partner on feels like it takes almost zero effort. Like, all you have to do is make eye contact and somehow you both just know, and it just— it feels easy and effortless in most relationships, not in all. But then in long-term relationships, it often feels like the stars have to be in perfect alignment And even then, it feels hard to know, what do I do to actually turn my partner on, to get my partner going, to get my partner interested in being intimate? And this is one of those challenges that we just love breaking down. Like, you know, you hear even the phrase of like, turning each other on, and we love to get into the nitty-gritty of like, but what does that actually mean? And how do you actually do that? Specific steps that you take. So often all of this advice in the sex realm is so vague, so generic, so broad. It's just like, yeah, just, you know, you got to turn your partner on. You're like, but how? What do I do? So in this episode, we are breaking down the how behind desire, like specific doable things to keep your partner thinking about you, wanting you, to make intimacy feel easier. So you're gonna leave this episode with Actual lines to say, specific things that you can do, and, you know, ways to keep the passion alive in your relationship. But before we get into it, we have a quick favor. If you could take half a second to just hit follow. We'll give it to you right now. Like, we'll pause for a second. Just go back. If you're on Spotify, go back to the main Pillow Talks page. Let's all do it together. Hit that little follow button.

I'm tapping it.

That's all it takes. I know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but only a Tiny percentage of people who listen to Pillow Talks every single week actually follow the show. And it genuinely does help us reach new couples, bring in new sponsors so that we can continue making the podcast, and just helping people understand that this is a good, worthwhile podcast to listen to. It really makes a big difference. And if you wanna go the extra mile for us, which we would really, really appreciate, just taking a minute to leave a quick review or a rating, that also really, really helps. support the podcast. So thank you in advance for doing that. Okay, so we're gonna go over 7 super specific things that you can do. And then at the end, we actually turned this question over to our audience. And we asked them like, what are the specific things? Like, they could be little things, big things. But what, what is it that your partner does that turns you on? Whether it's it turns you on like a little bit, it helps, or it like really gets you going. So we have Probably like 20 different responses that we pulled from there as well. So tons of tons of ideas in this episode for you. So I want to start with number one: clear blocks to desire first. This is one of the biggest mistakes as a sex therapist that I see couples making. We think about desire, we think about turning our partner on, and we just want to go all systems go. Like give me the secret cheat code, the one specific move, the one phrase that I could say to my partner that's just instantly. Definitely gonna get them going. And desire does work that way for some people, but for a lot of people, there actually are a lot of blocks that we have in our way to feeling desire. And we need to be able to remove those blocks first before we can turn desire on. Like, you can try to get the desire revving, but it's like there's all these blocks in the way. I mean, I'm literally thinking about like a car driving.

Mm-hmm.

And imagine there's a bunch of like cones in the road or those blockades, and you're like, you could hit the gas as hard as you want, but you're gonna smash right into those blockades. We gotta clear the blockades out so then you can drive right through.

Yeah. I mean, put another way, there could be a magical one-liner that does, under ideal circumstances, really turn your partner on, where if you were to say that when everything is good, that they would get fairly quickly Fired up. But you have to imagine, but it's not like this magic line that always works no matter what. Like if your partner is super stressed, really busy, they're in the middle of a long day of work and it's just been one thing after another and maybe they're feeling kind of down on themselves and you say that magic line, they're probably gonna be like, oh, come on. Like not right now. But if you approach them in a moment where all those blockages are out of the way, that line might really fire them up, which is why we can talk until the cows come home about all the things that you should do. But if there's a bunch of blockages in the way, it doesn't matter how much of those positive things you do, if there's things that are actively preventing you from even being open in the first place.

So the question to ask your partner here is, What is it that gets in the way of you feeling desire? And what I like about that question is it takes the blame away.

Yeah, it's not, what's wrong with you? Why are you never feeling desire?

Exactly. Like, if you ask it that way, why don't you feel desire? What can I do to turn you on more? Why don't you feel turned on more often? Your partner is instantly going to go into defensive mode. But if you ask them, what gets in the way of your desire? That Like just with the question itself, you're putting, like placing the issue outside of them. It's like there's nothing wrong with you. There's just this other crap that's in your way.

What's wrong with the world such that you don't get turned on?

And it also positions the two of you to be teammates more because if it's just an issue of, hey, your desire isn't high enough, then it feels like you have to go away and fix it versus if you ask it as like, and you can even ask it as, What gets in the way of us feeling desire more often? What gets in the way of us being intimate more often? That makes you feel like teammates. So ask that question to your partner, and you're most likely gonna hear things like, my mental load, especially for women. If you haven't talked about mental load, we've got a couple podcast episodes about it. It is extremely important. It might be things like, Not having, like, not feeling like we have enough privacy with the kids around. It might be feeling like we haven't really had any quality time. Like, I'm feeling, you know, it's hard to feel connected when life is so busy and we, like, barely even have the chance to have a conversation with each other. But oftentimes these things are practical things that the two of you can work together to, okay, you've got a to-do list a mile long. How can I help you clear that out? Or let's take a bigger picture look at it. Are we balancing? chores and responsibilities and mental load in a fair way in our relationship? Do we want to, like, do we have resources to help come take some of these things off of our plates? Or maybe we let go of certain things. So it's not always that it's easy. Like something like mental load, that's gonna take some time for the two of you to talk about, to dismantle, to figure out like a real plan for. But some things can be easy and straightforward. Like why don't we put a frigging lock on our door so we can rest a little bit easier that the kids aren't gonna barge in? Why don't we schedule a date night? Because we haven't gone out, you know, together in a while. So that is the first step, clearing those blockages to desire first. Number 2 is understanding your partner's desire type. This is such a mind-blowing thing about relationships is we want our partner to feel more desire, we get frustrated that we're not having sex more often, but we don't understand how their desire actually works. And it's like you're You're trying to do something, but you don't know how it works at all. I'm trying to come up with a comparison. It's like you've got the— you bought the IKEA furniture, but you didn't get the instructions, so you're just staring at a bunch of them, the pieces, trying to figure out like, put it together! Why isn't it put together?

It's a couch. I know what it's supposed to look like, but I don't know what parts go where.

Exactly.

God, without the IKEA instructions, as problematic as those things are since there's no words on them, it's all the weird Depictions of a weird person.

Little illustrations.

Little illustrations. Oh my God, that's so creepy. That creeps me out. But I mean, yeah, without that, good luck putting IKEA furniture together, man.

So we have a whole episode, it's 251, about our 4 desire types model. I highly recommend that you go back and listen to that episode. But it really helps you understand what it is that your partner needs to feel open to intimacy. And so what we did with this model is we have 4 different types and there's like 2 axes that they fall under. Yeah.

You want me to give like the 2-minute overview of how this whole thing works?

Sure.

All right. So when it comes to desire, there's 2 major components. There is how you feel desire and then there is when you want to have sex. And so on the how you feel it axis, We tend to break down into 2 categories. You've heard us probably talk about this before. This is spontaneous and responsive sex drive. So basically, do you feel the desire for sex in your brain spontaneously, or do you have more of a physical desire type? You want to— you need to feel turned on in your body before your brain goes, oh, hell yeah, I want that. So if you find yourself throughout the day, randomly thinking about sex, fantasizing about sex, wanting to have sex at sometimes seemingly random and maybe inopportune moments, then you are probably a brain-first desire type. Now, if you don't typically find yourself thinking about sex very often, but once you get into the middle of having sex, all of a sudden you're like, oh my God, this is awesome. Why don't I want this more? Then you are probably a physical first desire type. So that means that you need a little bit of touch, something to physically ground you and start getting the process going before your brain catches up. So that's the how you feel desire. Then there is the when you feel desire or when you want it. And this has to do with, again, we tend to break down into these 2 categories. So we either Want to have sex in order to feel emotionally connected with our partner, or we want to feel a certain level of emotional connection before we feel open to having sex. So a very simple question to ask yourself is when things feel not bad between the two of you, but when things feel a little rocky or uncertain, maybe you've had a minor argument recently and it hasn't been fully resolved. If I were to say, how do you feel about having sex with your partner right now? If you think, oh God, yeah, if we could just have sex, then everything would feel better, then you are probably a physical desire type. So you want to have physical connection in order to feel more emotional connection. But if you— this is like me— if you're like me and things feel a little shaky between the two of you, a little questionable, You might think sex, oh my God, no, we got to get on more solid emotional footing before sex is back on the table. And in that case, you are an emotional desire type. You want to feel emotional connection, a certain amount of that before physical connection starts to feel good. And so if you can identify you or ideally your partner on both of those aspects, then you are one of 4 combinations. And each of these combinations has different things about them that are going to be important to understand.

So again, go to episode 251 for more of a breakdown of the 4 types. But there's like a brain and physical, a body and emotional, a brain and emotional, and a body and physical. Okay, so if your partner is a brain plus physical desire type, they're going to think about sex often. Sex is how they want to feel close to you. Desire is going to come out of nowhere for them. When they want to feel connected, their instinct is going to be physically intimate first. You're probably not gonna be listening to this episode if you have a partner who's of this type. This is more likely to be your type.

So if that is your partner, that is probably a good sign that you could, you could say or do close to anything sexual at almost any time, and it would have a higher likelihood of turning them on. They are less likely to be like, oh no, this is not the time or the place. In fact, they might actually respond better to a more random kind of initiation or text message or comment. So if you're thinking, oh, how do I turn my partner on more? If you are not this type, you're probably thinking, oh, well, it has to be this very specific way at a very specific time. And if this is your partner, maybe you should be like, hold on, there don't need to be any rules about this, like literally any time. And probably the most random time might be the most meaningful.

I don't think anybody listening to this has this type of partner. I don't think it's gonna be an issue for you. But yes, you're absolutely correct that that is the way to appeal to this partner. And I also wanna be clear too, like with these types, I know it's natural for a lot of people to think like, oh, well that type sounds so easy. I wanna be that type, or that's the right type to have. Each of these types has their joys and their challenges, and none is better than the other. None is the right way or the wrong way. It's just once we understand these 4 different ways that desire works, that helps us unlock how to be able to approach our partner and ourselves, how to build understanding of ourselves too.

Yeah, because I think a lot of people, like Vanessa said, hear this brain and physical desire type and are like, oh, well, that sounds like the ideal. I will say that one of the biggest challenges, if you are this desire type, is people of that type often Will push back against regular intimacy, against perceived the same type of thing over and over. They will feel like, oh, well, I want it to come out of nowhere. I want my partner to always be approaching me totally randomly and taking me by surprise and being open to having sex whenever I do in very random and often inopportune moments. And so that can, while it can feel fun to like, oh yeah, I want to be able to be thinking about it all the time and be open to it all the time, At the same time, the dark side of this side is that often, even though someone might be having very regular and consistent sex, someone of this type can feel like, oh, well, but I just, I want it to happen even more spontaneously. And that ends up not being very practical often.

Hmm.

And so there can end up being a lot of worrying and anxiety and complaining about what otherwise seems like a very good sex life, and that can create its own challenges.

They can also have performance issues too, because like their brain wants sex.

Yeah, they're on call.

Yeah, their body doesn't catch up. So yeah, like we said, every part has— every type has challenges and joys. Okay, the second type is body and emotional desire. So if this is your partner, they're not gonna think about sex until they're already feeling emotionally close to you. So desire is not gonna feel like it comes out of nowhere for them. It builds when there's trust, connection, and affection. If your partner is a brain plus emotional desire type, they will think about sex often, but need emotional alignment with you in order for it to feel fulfilling. So if something feels off between you and your partner, this is like what Xander was discussing earlier.

This is my exact type.

Yeah, then you are going to hesitate to act on your desire.

Yeah. So I thought something was wrong with me for so long. Like I thought that I must have responsive desire, or I'm not like, I never think about it spontaneously because I don't respond, or I didn't used to respond super well to spontaneous initiation, which when Vanessa initiated, often it would be very spontaneous. And that created a lot of friction between us. And it also caused me to feel really bad about myself because it's like, oh, this isn't the male stereotype. But once I, once we started kind of breaking down these different types and I realized, wait, I do think about sex all the time and at very random moments. I think about sex in general, but when it comes to me actually wanting to have sex with Vanessa, I need to feel a certain level of connection. And so for me, then I started realizing, oh, okay, like I just, you know, I just need to be like, I just need to hang out with her for a couple of minutes. And then all of a sudden I'm like, oh, hell yeah, I'm ready to go. And so that really, that really helped me. And I think that helped you a lot. understand me and kind of tailor the way that we talk about sex and the way that we have sex so that we understand each other a lot better.

And then finally, if your partner is a body plus physical desire type, they're not someone who walks around thinking about sex. But once something intimate gets started, that's when their desire builds. So they're going to need a warm-up to get interested. But once they do, regular sex is their pathway for deep connection. So again, if you want to do a deeper dive into those 4 types, check out Episode 251, What's Your Desire Type? I just want to find high-quality basics, but like that aren't basic. And that is why—

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Yeah, so this fits on top of the desire types that we just talked about, because the desire types are about When and how you feel desire, but they don't say anything about specifically how you enjoy having sex initiated. So it's, you know, with the desire types, it's understanding, okay, this is when I might be more open to sex. This is when my partner and when and how my partner might be more open to sex. Then adding the initiation styles on top of that is understanding, okay, now how do we actually get it started? What language do we use? What energy do we use? So this is— getting even more like tactical, like actually getting down to the nuts and bolts of, okay, what do you say? How do you say it? Now that I understand my partner's desire type, and I understand when the highest likelihood is for them to be open to sex or open to being turned on. Now you use the initiation styles to go, okay, now this is how I know that they like to get it started.

So we have a free guide for you that breaks down All of the different types. There are 6 different types. We definitely want you to get this guide. It's totally free. Go through it. It's a great thing to go through with your partner. But I will quickly go over each of the types so you can just start to get a sense of like, hmm, which one do I think I am? Which one do I think my partner is? So we have Excite Me, which is you like to have this element of anticipation, a slow burn around sex. Take care of me. This is when you feel the most turned on when your partner is like a caretaker, like doing kind things for you, letting you relax, taking things off of your plate. We have play with me. This is when you love your partner being like kind of silly and goofy with initiations. It's not this serious seduction. This is actually both Xander and my type. I think it's pretty unique to have a couple where we have the same initiation style.

Yeah, well, but we are We're totally different. Not totally, but we are partially different when it comes to the desire types.

Yeah, we are. Okay, so that's another type. Then there's desire me. You want to like feel that intensity from your partner. You want to like feel like they just have to have you in that moment. Connect with me. This is more about emotional intimacy. Like you want to feel emotionally on the same page before you're open to intimacy. And then touch me. This is like a very So you're a very physically driven type. You want your partner to initiate with touch without words, just getting your body going first.

Yeah. So I think that you could, as Vanessa describes that, you can probably start to see or understand really how this differs, how this is an important piece of information to have on top of the desire types. Because remember when we were talking about desire types, we talked about that first one where I was like, so hey, someone that is a brain and physical first, desire type, they might be really open to any kind of initiation or being turned, something that might turn them on in any given moment. But now that you've heard all of these different initiation styles, what you would actually say at any given random moment could be very different based on any of those. Is it something that is more connection? Is it something where it's more you leading with how much you're desiring them? Or is it you leading with something more like playful sexy? Is it, you know, something like, hey, I wanna take care of you tonight? Like, this is sort of like peeling back the onion. We all think like, oh yeah, no, this sex stuff is supposed to be really simple. Like, you just say something sexy or you wear something sexy and that's that. But I think as you start to understand more and more about these kind of ways, different types that we are and different attributes that we have, all of a sudden it's like, Oh yeah, no, there actually is a little more complexity in here than most people give credit for. And it's if we can just do a little bit of legwork to start to understand how we differ from our partner, all of a sudden it's like, oh, I could go into initiating sex, or I could go into trying to turn my partner on in a way where I am— I can't say you're ever guaranteeing yourself success, but you can raise the chances of success by so much. by understanding these things. Okay.

So again, you can check that out at vmtherapy.com/style. We will also put it directly into the show notes too. Tip number 4 is to flirt with your partner. Yeah.

Regardless of their desire type, regardless of their initiation style, you can use those things to help you with maybe tailoring the type of flirting or when to flirt. But God, so many of us forget about flirting, or it's like, oh, this is just something you do early on.

It makes me so sad because that's one of the most fun things about the early stages of a relationship is like flirting with each other, getting that like energy going, feeling that zing for each other. And then we get into relationships and we just completely stop doing it. And not only that, but I think we actually get like judgmental about it.

Or negative.

Yeah, like, I don't want to flirt. That feels so cheesy. Or that's like effort that I don't want to do.

And then it's like, well, we wonder Well, why is there no spark between the two of us? Why does sex feel like so much work? Well, because all the things that lead up to it feel like work to you. So of course it feels like work.

Yeah. So you gotta flirt with your partner, and not in a way of like, oh, okay, I have to flirt with my partner. Let me figure out some way to flirt. But like—

Let me look up the 20 best pickup lines.

Yeah, like you have to find the joy in it, like the excitement in it. The playfulness in it, it's just so important. So I think that's a great conversation to have with your partner too, is like asking them, what do you remember about how we used to flirt with each other?

Yeah.

Or like, what do you miss about how we used to flirt with each other? Like, what should we bring back from those early days? So some of the things that are like, that most people really like, is compliments. People love compliments. And with compliments, a lot of it is being specific. So just the generic, like, you look nice, that doesn't really land for most people. But if you can call out something really specific, like, have I told you lately how much I love your smile? Or, God, that— I was gonna say, like, that color shirt on you is really bringing out your eyes. Xander's wearing a black shirt right now. I think I'm black screen. Not quite, but something like that. Like being specific or also like giving compliments about who your partner is as a person rather than just how they look. You can also reminisce on some of your favorite memories together, like some of your favorite sexual memories for some spicy flirting, having like inside jokes with each other, like being kind of silly and playful and even making like dumb jokes about sex too. I know a lot of people like look down on that, But I think there is a place for like being kind of goofy about it.

Well, I think this is where you might wanna look to the initiation styles for hints as to what type of flirting might land the best. 'Cause for us, we told you, Vanessa and I are both play with me types.

We make a lot of dumb jokes about sex.

So for us, dumb jokes about sex are great. They're funny to us.

Yeah.

Right? But if you are a desire, if your partner's a desire me type and you're constantly making like that's what she said jokes, your partner's probably gonna be like, all right, come on. Like, I wanna feel wanted. I don't want you to— they might actually feel like you're trivializing sex rather than actually wanting them. Or if your partner's a take care of me type, they might actually prefer you flirt or make kind of suggestive comments around taking care of stuff around the house for them.

Yeah.

Or taking care of them In general. So, you know, maybe more flirtation around, ooh, you want me to draw like a nice sexy bath for you?

Mm-hmm.

Or, oh, do you want me to take the trash out with my shirt off? Or something like that. Something, you know, more along those lines might land better with them. So I think this is where, yeah, try to draw some hints from that. And remember, flirtation, similar to initiation, is the way that we would want someone to flirt with us may not and is very likely not to be the way that your partner wants to be flirted with. So flirting is not about— you don't flirt with your partner to get some personal enjoyment out of it.

Yeah.

You are looking for the energy that gets created by the two of you from you doing that. You're trying to turn things up a notch within them so that you can then feed off of that energy. So I think a lot of people get tripped up here and they go, oh, well, it just doesn't feel authentic for me to flirt. Flirting is not about authenticity. Flirting is about trying to reach your partner with a certain energy that's going to resonate with them so that you then get something back energetically from them. If you are trying to flirt in a way that's like meant to turn you on, you're doing it wrong. And that's probably why you're butting heads with your partner and having problems.

Tip number 5, start earlier. I think this is one of the most practical, like, Easily, quickly actionable items from our list here, but too many couples look at desire as something that happens in the moment. So most of us initiate sex at the end of the night, like we're crawling into bed at the end of the night, everybody's already brushed their teeth and washed their faces, and you're about to go to sleep, and you crawl—

Put your eye mask on, the mouth tape.

You crawl into bed and you're like, wanna do it? And your partner's like, no, I'm exhausted. It's the end of the night. I want to go to sleep right now.

You want to do me like a hostage with this tape on?

Oh my God.

Unless you're playing out a very specific fantasy, probably better to do it before all those nighttime products go on.

Yeah, the idea of trying to get your partner turned on in the moment, like that exact moment that you're initiating, it's too much pressure. Maybe if you have a partner who has super spontaneous brain-based, physical-based desire first, it can work for them sometimes. But for the majority of people, if you're trying to initiate and get your partner turned on in that exact moment, like right before you want to have sex, it's way too fast.

Well, and also you're talking about right before bed, talking about bringing it back to blockages, the very first thing you talked about, even if your partner is almost always open, To it. If you're waiting till the end of the night, you are still ensuring that a major blockage, which is just exhaustion and tiredness, is likely in the way. Who cares if they're always open to it if they're dead tired, right? Like, it's just not gonna happen if you're like, dude, I'm already half asleep. Like, come on, I'm so tired. I'm, I'm been lacking sleep the whole last week. Like, I'm trying to get some sleep. Like, You're shooting yourself in the foot by waiting, because that is just— you're guaranteeing that a major blockage that impacts everyone, tiredness, is going to be present.

So you got to start earlier in the day. One of my favorite things that we do in our sex life is we usually initiate in the morning. We'll say like, hey, I want to be intimate with you today. And then we'll talk about when's the best time for that to happen? What do we have on our plates that day? What could we clear off of our plates? Or how do we reorganize or reprioritize things to make sure we have that time? And then we're building that anticipation for each other all day. Throw in a little bit of flirting, some like, oh, I can't wait till later, some maybe texting back and forth. That's just a recipe for feeling so much more excited. And I think a lot of us, if you think back to early stages of dating too, there was so much anticipation building. And we loved that. You know, like you'd be planning date nights for 2 weeks from now and you're just like so excited building all of that anticipation. I can't wait to see this person. And of course that changes when you're living with them and you're seeing them every day and, you know, listening to them fart and all of that. But still, like we can find ways to bring some of that anticipation element into the relationship again. Did you know that your pillowcase actually has a surprisingly big impact on your skin and hair? I have seen silk pillowcases all over social media, and I'll admit I thought it was just a hype thing at first. But then I have a friend who is deeply, deeply, like, well-researched in the wellness field, and she told me, like, no, this actually is legit. And I got the opportunity to try out Blissy's 100% mulberry silk pillowcases and was pretty immediately a believer. So Blissy's pillowcases help prevent breakouts, fine lines, and wrinkles. They're clinically proven not to clog pores. And with hair, they're anti-frizz, anti-bedhead. I am on my curly hair journey and frizz has been a big deal for me. So being able to sleep on a Blissy pillowcase, I have seen make a huge difference. Also with breakage and shedding too, they're just so much gentler on your hair. skin and your hair. They also make incredible gifts. They have like super cute colors, 115 different options. The other great thing about them is that they sleep very cool. I'm a hot sleeper.

Oh yeah.

And so it's like, it's always like you're on the cool side of the pillow, which is so nice. Blissy is offering a great deal for our listeners, a 60-night risk-free plus an additional 30% off when you shop at blissy.com. That's blissy.com/pillowpod and use code pillowpod to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you. Okay, number 6 is to understand your own desire too. Actually, now that I'm looking at this, I'm like, I should have made this number 4 right after, like, understand your partner's desire type. And number 3 was understand their initiation style. But the point that we wanted to make with this one is that it's very easy, and especially in a relationship where it feels like your desire is mismatched, especially if you're a partner who feels like you have a higher desire than your partner, it's very easy to fixate on your partner and just want them to change. Like, I just want to turn you on more. I just want you to feel more desire for sex. I just want you to initiate more.

I just want you to want it when I want it.

Exactly. And it can really help to take a step back and for you to try to understand your own desire too. And that way, the two of you can talk about it as teammates. I mean, I started off, you know, we started this episode talking about, I suggested having that conversation about like what gets in the way of us being intimate more often so that you're feeling like teammates rather than you drilling your partner or grilling your partner about like, what do you need and why don't you get turned on? Blah, blah, blah. Like the two of you being able to have this conversation about like, okay, let's put all the cards on the table. Here's how my desire works. Here's how your desire works. These are the blockages that get in the way for you. Here's the blockages that gets in the way for me. We got all the things here. How do we make sense of this together? What do we do to tackle this together? So it like, yeah, it just, it opens the two of you up to really feel like you are being teammates in creating the sex life that you both want to have.

Yeah. So I think that if you are listening to this podcast and you, as of right now in your relationship, are identifying as a higher desire partner, usually— I'm not saying 100% of the time, but usually— that person that is a higher desire partner likely has more of a brain-first desire type. They are a bit more spontaneous when it comes to when the idea of sex sounds good. Because relative to that, if your partner is a body-first desire type, they need to get turned on in their body before the idea of sex sounds good. You will often perceive there to be a difference in sex drive, even though we would argue very often there is not actually a difference. The difference is just you have different types and you are approaching them from a spontaneous point of view. And from a spontaneous point of view, a body-first desire type is not likely ever going to be turned on in that moment. And so I think that the importance of understanding yourself rather than fixating on your partner, if you would just be more open when I'm open, if you would just be more spontaneously turned on, it's understanding spontaneous desire is not the only way to feel desire. In fact, I would argue that body-driven desire is actually a more universal way That we feel turned on. Because at the end of the day, if you sit somebody down, someone that you trust, and it's a safe situation, and you start stimulating their genitals, they are almost certainly going to get turned on eventually, right? So the reality is that we all respond to physical, to body-first stimulation. And I think that when we are a brain-first type, we often forget that. We forget that— hold, I know that the idea, it sounds so sexy and enticing to just have my partner come out of nowhere and be like, oh, take me right now. But the reality is, is if we take 5 minutes to just get things started in a moment where you weren't otherwise thinking about it, that you would almost certainly start to be turned on. And once you're turned on, does it really matter How you got turned on in the first place. Once you're there, most people would be like, are you really being like, okay, I'm turned on now, but this happened in a really unideal way. And I would rather wrap this up right now. I'd rather stop this and not go through with it because it didn't happen in the spontaneous way I wanted. No. Nobody, we've never heard from anybody that is like, oh, my partner keeps getting me physically turned on, but they're not doing it in moments that that really resonate with me. And so I keep telling them to stop. We don't ever hear that. So I think it's just a great reminder of like, yeah, of course, if you are spontaneous, you might want some spontaneous experiences sometimes, but that does not mean that all of them need to.

And then tip number 7 is to make sure sex is worth having.

Oh yeah.

And worth wanting.

I mean, at the end of the day, this is what it's all about, right?

One of my hottest takes as a sex therapist is that desire actually doesn't matter nearly as much as we think it does. Enjoyment matters way more than desire, and we call this the mushy broccoli problem. So do you ever find yourself craving a bowl of overly steamed mushy broccoli? No. And do you think anything is weird or wrong about not wanting broccoli? No. You understand, like, yeah, it's not like a super tasty food. So why would I wake up craving this bowl of mushy broccoli? Well, some of us are having sex that is the equivalent of some overly steamed mushy broccoli, but then beating ourselves up for not wanting more of it. So if you're finding yourself thinking, why does my partner not want sex more often? The better question to ask yourself is, are we having sex that's worth my partner wanting? And I don't say that to shame you or make you feel bad, and it's not your individual fault. Like, we were not taught how to do this, and it's no— you know, it's both partners' responsibility in a relationship to figure out how do we have sex in a way that like feels good and satisfying and connecting and exciting for both of us.

But the reality, because of the way that we've all been socialized and the way that most of us hesitate to jump in to be like, oh yeah, of course no one ever taught me. And now that I'm 40 or 30 or whatever, or, oh my God, I just realized nobody ever taught me how to do this, and we should take a close look at this. Like, most people are not just waking up with that realization, right?

Mm-hmm.

We're waking up with all the socialization, and the shame, and the hesitance that has, you know, has been instilled in us from a very young, from a prepubescent age, all the way through puberty, all the way through our young adulthood, and into adulthood, right? So as a result of that, I know that most people would prefer, God, it would be so nice if we could Can't we just both get on the same page and do this at the same time? The reality is, in almost every single relationship, one person is going to come to that realization first. And one person is going to need to go first in realizing, hey, I think that this is actually something that is a blockage in our relationship, something I want to overcome, and I want to support you in overcoming it too.

And fortunately, we have a ton of really fun guides and products That can help in this. I think this is one of—

That's what we do.

Yeah, this is what we do is make sex feel more fun, more exciting, give you tools for unlocking next-level pleasure. So I would recommend our Ultimate Foreplay Guides and our Ultimate Sex Positions Guide. We will put the link for both of those in the show notes, but they are phenomenal places to get started and to make sure that you are having the kind of sex that is worth having.

Yeah, literally hundreds of thousands of people are having better sex because of those 2 guides. That's probably the thing that we can be most proud of is between those 2, we are in the hundreds of thousands sold and people love it. There's a great reason those are our 2 bestselling products. I'll just leave it there.

All right, let's wrap it up with examples of things that our community said helps get them in the mood. Number one was being a brilliant dad. This was something we heard a lot from moms. Like, if you step up as a dad, if you're just like acting like a great dad, it's actually such a turn-on. It might not seem like it, but a lot of women felt very strongly about this.

Telling me to relax and he will take over. I can already tell you that's a take care of me initiation style.

It's those little moments during the day, bringing me coffee, making me dinner, working out with me, going on a walk together. I cannot tell you how many women will say that the biggest turn-on for them is their partner being nice to them. And honestly, like, it makes me— it's like, on the one hand, it's exciting. It's like, oh, what a simple, easy thing that we can do. Just be nicer to each other. And on the other hand, it makes me so deeply sad that in so many relationships there's just not that basic level of like kindness to each other. Like, I just want you to be nicer to me. Yeah.

That's really sad. I think that very often, I think so often, that one ends up being such a huge misunderstanding within a relationship. You have one person that is looking for, hey, I want to have these regular touch points. Like, I want to do stuff with you regularly. I want to be in communication with you regularly. And the other partner is thinking like, I think this can be a very stereotypical situation. A woman is saying, I want all these little things throughout the day. That's how I feel excited and connected with you. And that's how I feel like we have a successful relationship. And then you have the other partner who's thinking, I need to grind, I need to hustle so that I can provide, I need to work longer hours, I need to work harder because to be able to have this like potential future state where all of a sudden everyone is better provided for. And I think that that can end up being honestly a real honest mistake that a lot of people make. Both, you know, he thinks that he is doing right by his family when in reality no one is asking for like, oh, that extra, that extra money 20 years from now. Like, Hey, like we want to feel— I want to feel connected with you now. That's how I feel happier. And so I think it's important to have those conversations. What is it that we think that we are doing? And does that actually align with what our partner is wanting? What does relationship success and happiness look like for both of us? And how can we actually get on the same page about that? All right. Our next submission was, when my partner tells me I'm beautiful, pretty, or hot regularly, Backward hats and gray sweatpants.

That was another super common response from women. I'm not super into the backward hat personally. Actually, I don't know if I've like seen you in a backward hat like ever.

I don't know. Maybe I should start.

You're not like a big hat guy.

I'm not a big hat guy.

We're going to have to do a little experiment after we finish recording here. The gray sweatpants I am into.

Not in public though.

But yeah, we've had to have a conversation lately, recently, because Zander has a A pair of gray sweatpants that are not for public consumption.

But they're so comfortable and I forget very often. It's just on our little dog walks early in the morning. Barely anybody sees. All right. Slow burn moments during the day, like a slightly longer than normal kiss in the kitchen or before he leaves for work.

Helping me around the house without asking me what I need help with.

Intense eye contact.

Being attentive to me during the day, showing that she is taking the time to care for me.

Sneaking in extra touches or kisses during the day.

Date nights with no phones so we can focus just on each other.

Talking positively about me in front of their friends.

That's a great one.

Yeah.

Neck kisses, especially in random moments.

Putting the phone away so their focus is just on me.

2 phone ones.

Yeah.

Actually, phones came up a lot. It's a big issue in so many relationships. All right, well, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. We'll put a couple of links in the show notes for you. Like we mentioned, we'll put that free Initiation Styles Guide. We'll also put links to our Ultimate Foreplay Guides and our Ultimate Sex Position Guides. But thank you so much for listening today. Join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.