Nice Guys Finish First (…if you do this ONE thing)

We've all heard the saying that nice guys finish last. But what if they're all wrong? What if the key to success actually in life, in our career, in romance, is actually kindness? I'm not talking about the passive, people-pleasing type of kindness. I'm talking about authentic, honest, powerful kindness. See, since I was a young guy, I was always a pretty nice kid, I would say. And when I looked around me to my classmates or, you know, executives of companies, athletes, artists, and so forth, I saw that oftentimes it seemed like the jerk or the sort of bad boy type was the most successful. So I wondered to myself, is that the only way you can be successful is by being kind of a jerk or a bad boy? As I've gotten older, learned to embody my true self, worked on myself and done more research on the subject and sort of seen who's succeeding in different arenas, I've actually come to believe that the nice guy over the long term is the most successful. And there's some real solid data to support that. So this video, I'm really excited to dive into the subject and share how nice guys actually can be successful. Examples of it and how you can embody it yourself. But before we get into it, I think it's important that we define a couple of things. A, what is a nice guy actually? And B, what does success look like? Nice guy is somebody who's really considerate, who's thoughtful, who's supportive and loving, who's helpful without expecting anything in return. But at the same time, a They're a type of individual that knows how to set boundaries, how to put themselves first. It's also mindful and watchful about people around them that might be trying to take more than they give and who abuse their kindness. See, this is a bit different, though, than the traditional version of a nice guy that we think of, who's just overly nice, never really thinks about themselves, who's very passive. Those type of nice guys is unfortunately going to finish last. But the one I described can be incredibly kind, incredibly helpful, while also making sure to prioritize themselves and make sure that they are working towards their own visions, their own hopes and desires. Now that we have that out of the way, what does success look like? Gary Vee, the famous entrepreneur and social media personality, put this together, put this really, really nicely. He said winning for a nice guy is being able to sleep well at night. And I think that's so true. See, nice guys, they are surrounded by people that love them and care about them. And because they're so kind and generous and helpful, they're not stressed about their behavior and if people are going to try to sabotage them or speak badly about them behind their back. Well, on the contrary, for the bad boy type, the cruel leader type, They're constantly worried and anxious about what may happen, what people are speaking about them, and they don't really— they're not really supported by friends and family because they're quite cruel. So they're usually just surrounded by people that are there because maybe of their power or some other reason. And while the bad boy, edgy type of leader can have some degree of success for sure, what the data shows is over the long term, not over the short term, but over the long term, the nice guys can finish first. And one great example of this is from the book called Give and Take by the organizational psychologist from Wharton, Adam Grant, bestselling author. He's written many books on various subjects, but the book Give and Take is very interesting. He talks about 3 types of individuals and organizations: givers, matchers, and takers. The givers were the type of people that gave more than they took from their colleagues and others connected to the organization. The matchers were the type of people that every time they gave, they expected something in return. And takers, as you might imagine, they were the type of individuals that took more than they gave. And based on a variety of data points and research papers and their own analysis, they came to see a really interesting fact. The givers were the most likely to succeed. But they were also the ones that were least likely to succeed as well. See, within the giver group, there were two types of givers. The ones at the bottom were the type of givers that just overgave. They let people take advantage of them. They never set any boundaries, and they often got burnt out. But the givers that were the most likely to succeed were the type of individuals that really were very generous and caring and wanted to see their teams and those around them be successful, but they were also a bit measured. They knew that setting boundaries was important for their own well-being. They made sure to avoid being burnt out. They were thoughtful about those around them that might be trying to take advantage, and they made sure to prioritize their own work as well. And over the long term, they were incredibly successful. They're actually so successful, they were the most likely group to be successful in these corporate environments. In a similar book by Matt Dixon, where he analyzed 6,000 sales reps across various industries, he found a similar profile individual called an activator that had the most success because once again, they were really compassionate and thoughtful about their client's needs. They weren't just focused on their sales only, and they weren't so, so buddied up with their clients, but they were able to provide lots of different support and connections to help their clients be successful, even if it didn't directly mean a sale. But success as a nice guy isn't limited to corporate environments. In sports and in the arts, we see nice guys also being incredibly successful. Individuals like Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer, two of the nicest guys, were also at the very top of the tennis world for so many years. I would even argue that the difference between Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant wasn't about their skill, but was actually— Michael was a really considerate, thoughtful leader, very compassionate leader. He was tough, he was demanding, but he wanted to see his teammates be successful and was there to support them. And he was there mentally to support them in their journey towards championships. Well, Kobe, on the other hand, while incredibly skilled as well, he was quite adversarial with his teammates. He never, until maybe later in his career, realized that he needed to support his teammates mentally. He couldn't just push by example. He couldn't just push them to the brink and expect them to rise up. He needed to support them also mentally and let them know that he was there for them. I think if he realized this earlier in his career, he could have potentially even won more championships than Michael. Now that we know that nice guys can finish first in the professional arena, What about in romance? We all know the bad boy types get the girls. Sure. And that's for sure true. It happens. That said, women really are seeking men that are stable, that are kind, that are generous, that are helpful and compassionate. But that doesn't mean, once again, that you can be a pushover, that you can have boundaries and not really love yourself. See, if we don't love ourselves, how can we expect anyone to love us? And if we don't set boundaries, we don't create that natural tension where we learn to say no at times, our partners will think of us as very passive and weak and over the long term will lose interest in us. And I'm sure you can see that in your own life. If there's people in your life that are too much of a people pleaser, too passive, they, they seem boring, not interesting. That natural tension is important not to play games, but because Unless you really care about yourself, it's hard for other people to care about you. And so making sure to prioritize yourself is essential to winning over a partner and having a lasting relationship. So what I'm talking about is a more balanced way of being a man, whether it's in the career space, whether it's in your regular life or in romance. You can't be too much of one thing. We can't be too forceful. We can't be too kind. We can't be too in our head. We have to take a more balanced, adaptive approach. And this is described in the ancient book, The Book of the Five Rings, by the samurai Miyamoto Musashi. He talks about balance, that we can't be too forceful, that we need to also be adaptive. We need to be thoughtful. We need to act with inner calm. And in doing so, we are able to approach life's— in all situations, in a way that helps us be successful in the long term. What about you? Where in your life have you veered away from being kind because you thought it was weak, or you've gotten burnt by being overly kind and not thoughtful about those you're interacting with? Leave a comment below. Be curious about the challenges and ways you've won using kindness. So now, how do we actually embody kindness in a way that we can be successful in life. So there's a couple of important things. First and foremost, we need to learn to love ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, it's hard for anyone else to love us and for anyone else to respect us. So whether it's romance or in the career place, loving ourselves is essential. Number 2 is learning to set boundaries, learning to understand what are your limitations, and making sure to set proper boundaries so that people don't take advantage. Number 3, being considerate and watchful of those around you who might try to take advantage. Because while we hope that everyone around us is nice, is a nice person, unfortunately, just honestly, that isn't the case. So learning to be thoughtful about who's around us and keeping our distance from folks that might be trying to take too much from, from us and may be draining our energy. Number 4, making sure to prioritize yourself and your own work and your own interests. Unless we do that, we're gonna easily come off as passive or not really ever working towards the things that make us happy or are helping us work towards our own career ambitions. And number 5, making sure to be mindful of our own energy to avoid being burnt out. Because while we want to give, at times we have to be careful not to overextend ourselves, because in the long term, if we keep doing that, we can burn out. That will only lead to us going backwards in our career and in our relationships. Hopefully now you're clear that being a nice guy isn't weakness. It's actually an incredibly powerful strategy to having a great life and having a very successful career. If this video has been helpful, consider liking and subscribing to the channel. It really helps me and helps me get the word out about the work that I'm doing. And if you're curious about how to practice more self-love in your own life, check out this video over here. Thanks and good luck on your journey.