In this spoken essay, the narrator opens with a Pema Chödrön quote and frames loneliness not as an empty void but as a fertile, ambiguous space that can reveal the essence of life. He recounts a childhood of enforced solitude, a adulthood spent chasing distractions—drinking, parties, relationships—yet never finding relief from inner shadows. After years of failed fixes, he returns deliberately to solitude, discovering that sitting with the stillness of loneliness can generate deep peace, joy, and insight. The monologue emphasizes the dualities of existence (peace/rage, joy/sadness, wisdom/ignorance, love/hate) and argues that embracing the ambiguity of loneliness, with direction and persistence, can become a sword that cuts through inner demons. He cautions that without guidance one can lose oneself, but the choiceless present offers a precious, vibrant field of life to dip into.
Chapters
"We cheat ourselves when we run away from the ambiguity of loneliness." Pema Chödrön, the Tibetan Buddhist monk. Loneliness, stillness, the quiet. They aren't empty places to quickly pass as we head to our next destination or before grabbing our phone. They are mountains of emotion teeming with the essence of life. Sadly, at the first sight of this avalanche of feelings, we are driven to any distraction we can find. But instead, if we had the courage to confront this stillness and sit with it, we'd stand at the edge of the infinite, the essence of all existence. From nothingness, everything is born. The dualities of life: peace and rage, joy and sadness, wisdom and ignorance, love and hate. And just being, just you, without the need for comment or judgment. Yes, this doorway can appear dark. Even the first few steps can be quite scary. I know loneliness well. I spent much of my life in solitude. Not at a choice at first. It was just how my childhood was. Our home was far from others. My parents worked a lot. My brother was much older. I was stuck being with my thoughts. Sometimes the images were quite large and exciting, but more often they were filled with doubt, sadness, rage, and worry. These mental pictures continued to follow me. My 20s and 30s reflected a man unable to truly navigate the world authentically, bullied by life into doing whatever my fears and blind hopes wanted. I found no refuge. My shadows were a constant company. When I awoke in the morning, as I sipped coffee, walking to the subway, nothing I did or anyone no one I was with could shake them. Drinking, friends, adventures, substances, partners, parties were all fruitless. My demons were in my bones and in my words. They were me, yet I knew in a way they were more like unwelcome guests I needed to kick out. I tried to find a solution. Over many years, I tried various fixes to no avail. Out of desperation and confusion, I returned to a familiar place. Solitude. Loneliness is like a forgotten, overgrown path. While uncertain, and in a way precisely what I was running from, this path was exactly what I needed. In the ambiguity of stillness and the quiet, a deep peace arose. Joy and love. A very familiar, gentle journeying this way, it's important to be careful. It's easy to get nowhere, or worse, lose yourself altogether. But with some direction and persistence, it's the sword needed to cut down our demons, to take us somewhere past our incessant desires and hollow fears. There may be no place in our lives for loneliness these days and the ambiguity that comes with it, But the choiceless true nature of this moment is what makes the present a precious gift, a destination beyond fear, that vast vibrating kaleidoscope field of life waiting for us to dip into.
