Fit Soul Chapter 4 - Time & Trust

Hey, this is Ben Greenfield. Welcome to Fit Soul. Fit Soul Chapter four. Each week I'm releasing a new chapter on my podcast from my new book Fit Soul, which you can find@fitsoulbook.com where it is available for free. A digital download of the book. You can also order a hard copy from that same website if you would like@fitsoulbook.com Chapter 4 Time and Trust I've been known to be short, harsh and abrupt when I write emails and texts, interact with people on channels like Slack and Asana, and even talk to folks on social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram. A typical digital interaction with me often goes something like this email from a fan. Hey Ben, I hope your day is going fantastically. I really loved how you laid out your entire recipe for that killer salad, then followed it up with the how to Smoothie video. You really inspire me man. I have a huge favor slash question to ask you. Can you let me know what your favorite book is for learning about healthy food preparation? Thank you so much. My email reply yeah, search for healthy food book on my website. Period. No compliment sandwich. No winky face or other feel good emoticon. No gracious gushing. Thanks. Just a strict short, stoic, spartan esque business response efficiency at all costs. Right? Or this Slack message coming to me from a social media employee. You spelled workout wrong. It is workout. Please fix with please abbreviated PLS of course. Or this voxer message coming from me to a virtual assistant. Find me organic coconut flakes by Monday. Thanks. And of course thanks is abbreviated thx. Or this reply to an email from a physician telling me about how excited she was about her cool new stem cell video series via two highly descriptive paragraphs that finished with asking me whether I wanted to check out a preview of the videos. My current response? Not for now. Admittedly, that last one was one of those convenient Gmail smart composes which can often aggravate this problem. Although it tends to be slightly more polite than even me. You've probably experienced the same thing. Digital interactions make it incredibly easy to treat people like computers, simply a series of zeros and ones that we say random things to in order to make other things happen. It's even worse if you're running a company largely digitally like I do. Why? Well, as a virtual CEO and founder of my nutrition supplements company called Kion, I rarely see my employees or give them high fives or hug them or look them in the eye or ask them how their day went or see if they went to go hit some tennis balls that evening because they're, well, largely digital to me in nearly all our interactions. As a result, they can simply be perceived by me as tiny virtual coinbots. I deposit X number of dollars into their bank account each month and in return they make Y things happen that result in Z outcome for the business. What an efficient, logical, well organized, tidy little factory. Here are your marching orders. And a coin, a hat, and two symbols. Now dance, monkey, dance. And if things go wrong or I am delivered results that are anything but perfect, I tend to be baffled. After all, it should be so simple, right? I say X, you do Y and Z happens. If anything goes wrong in that logical chain of events, then you're an idiot because it's all spelled out and you're supposed to be able to do your task just like a computer. Darn it. After all, you kind of are a computer to me since I'm always talking to you through one. Or a machinery driven monkey, if you'd like to think of it that way. The same transactional scenario can happen with customers and clients, especially those with whom I interact online. They can simply be tiny virtual coinbots. They pay me X dollars per month for Y services like a diet plan or a fitness plan or a 20 minute phone call, etc. Etc. I then deliver those services to them and the business is done, with near zero consideration given to getting to know them on a more deep personal level. Understand their fears, worries, hopes or dreams, know the names of their wife or children, or recognize them as real flesh and blood people. They're instead texts and font shapes, sound waves traveling through a phone or app, and pixelated digital avatars who I cannot sense, touch, feel, smell, or fully appreciate in all their beautiful humanness. Worse yet, once these kind of impersonal digital interactions become a habit in your life, as they have very much become in mine, real face to face interactions seem to transform into a similar scenario. That grocery clerk ringing up my groceries, nod, hand over the credit card, take groceries, leave. She's the human computer ringing up my sparkling water and macadamia nut. Who cares about her actual life or how her day is going. That would not be efficient, timely or machine like. Which is what I've been trained to do in my virtual interactions. The sweet, lovely girl who takes care of my printing and shipping needs, collects packages and mail from the mailbox, drives my kids to tennis and jiu jitsu, and runs errands for me. Quite similar to the way in which I might send an employee a quickly written and emotionless text or email task. I'll call her as I'm down working at the kitch kitchen table, shouting up something like get the mail by 1. Thanks. That's it. Nothing about how her day is going or how she slept or if she's feeling well or what exciting things she may have done over the weekend. No real meaningful connection. Just business as usual, often in a reactive, frantic and machine like fashion. In these scenarios, no longer are real flesh and blood people actual people. No longer are they precious, unique spirits and souls who you may live with for eternity and beyond. No longer are they understandably flawed in a creative and magically imperfect way. But they're instead a walking flesh and blood computer with a chip that sometimes malfunctions and doesn't do or say what you had desired or anticipated. Easily treated as a commodity rather than as a fellow human being, people are reduced to tiny symbol dawning monkeys there to entertain your economic impulses. And there's actually a name for this increasingly common phenomenon. Transactional relationships. What is a transactional relationship? Look, I don't know who coined the term transactional relationship, but I first learned about it from my friend Benjamin Hardy, who details transactional relationships quite elegantly in his Medium article, which I'll link to @fit soulbook chapter four, entitled how to Create Rare and Life Changing Relationships with Anyone. Hardy describes transactional relationships as largely economic, functional, and based on the exchange of money, goods or services. These types of transactional relationships serve a very clear point, and when that point no longer makes sense or has been fulfilled, the transactional relationship ends. You buy your groceries from a grocer, your home from a real estate agent, your suit from a tailor, then perhaps wave goodbye and never see them again, or engage in any future meaningful interactions with them. By their very nature, transactional relationships are about getting the most you possibly can in exchange for as little as possible on your part. They're all about you and what you can get, not about what you can give or the deep, important connections that could potentially result from an interaction with a fellow human. One way to determine whether you treat relationships as transactional is to ask yourself, do you view your people as objects or as people? If the answer is the former, then the relationship is a transaction and merely a means to an end. In such a transactional relationship, there's no intimacy and instead everything is pure business. The relationship becomes an item and the meaning becomes the transaction. If there was a true relationship, the person who is part of the interaction with you might feel an element of love, of trust, and of caring or kindness. They might feel protected. When that person, let's say one of your employees or coworkers feels protected, they're willing to be more transparent with you, more willing to share what's on their mind, more human, and even able to be more proactive, creative and productive because they're willing to take risks that may result in failure. Sure, a failure might be something that still needs to be addressed and fixed, but that failure doesn't matter as much on a deep personal level because your relationship with them goes beyond a pass fail, black and white transactional relationship and is instead understanding and accepting of them as a fellow human being. Their relationship goes beyond a mere transaction. The hairstylist who messed up your bangs isn't someone you crucify with a nasty Google review and who's going to be scared for her next dozen hair appointments because of how you've treated her, but is instead willing to move on and rise to the occasion because you laughed with her, hugged it out, and talked to her about how she was distracted because her kid is at home with the stomach flu. Get it? In contrast, Hardy describes in his article how if a person doesn't feel protected in a relationship, they won't speak up, they won't share what's on their mind or take risks, and instead they pander to the relationship. Don't act in their power and act like a victim. This is because transactional relationships won't protect the person if they don't show up how they're supposed to show up. They're not protected. Instead, they're rejected. I've personally seen this happen in many of my relationships. A book editor who's afraid to proactively point out to me potential chapter improvements in my book because of my tendency to comment robotically and rudely on her proposed fixes with a mere yes, do this or no, don't do that. A personal assistant who won't approach me about something I do that bothers or offends them because we don't have a deep personal relationship, but instead a up, get paid, do your job, go home transactional relationship. So they silently put their head down, work, and go home still offended a child who isn't creative and free flowing on a book report due to my tendency to red pen their essay, hand it back, and give them a deadline to fix it without chatting with them about how the book made them feel on a deep emotional level or even how their day is going. As I've learned more about the nature of transactional relationships and my propensity to engage in them, I began to ask myself, when did I start thinking of people as transactions instead of deep human souls? How I Became Transactional I grew up observing my grandfather and my father's serial entrepreneurship and at quite a young age became quite the little entrepreneur myself. For example, as a young boy I would save all my Halloween candy under my bed. Then when summer rolled around and King sized Butterfingers, Halloween Colored Nerds candy and other fringe novelty sugar items were scarce, I'd sell it to the other neighborhood kids and families. As a teenager I ran a successful neighborhood babysitting business and tennis coaching business, which is how I saved up much of my college money and how I also continued to realize that people have the potential to be not just people, but also opportunities to build a business. Throughout college I painted homes, hustled for tips while working at a pub and coffee shop, traveled through the city doing private in residence high end personal training, made croissants and cappuccinos at a French bakery early in the morning, and engaged in all manner of enterprises that surely helped solidify within me a respectable work ethic and knowledge of business, but that no doubt continued to foster my tendency towards seeing people as a means to an end. Other human beings could help me fulfill the base of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, pay the bills and chalk away a few coins in the hat for a rainy day. But then things got even worse. After graduating from college and managing my gyms and personal training studios for half a decade, I launched an online business. People not only continued to become transactions, but also digital zeros and ones who I didn't even have to physically be with. I could hide behind a screen and bark orders. I could be faceless and emotionless, operating from a mentality of pure and strict business via a few taps of the keyboard to communicate with anyone anywhere in the world. Eventually there were no more Friday night parties with my personal training clients, lunchtime forays with core workers, hugs with customers who need a little love, daily eye to eye interactions, high fives, handshakes, or anything else that might have allowed for transactional relationships to become transformational relationships. Lack of need for empathy and emotion can become so easily built into largely online and digital relationships, and this phenomenon certainly became woven into my life. Digital Clients an online company working remotely, communicating primarily with virtual assistants or via computers, phones, software and apps. Is being a serial entrepreneur and having the ability to run entire companies via the Internet a convenience? Yes. Is it also able to transform somebody into an impersonal, fully transactional asshole who views work as a transactional process void of emotion. Well, also sadly, yes, ironically, even when able to engage in transformational relationships with people such as my wife, my kids, or my close friends, the majority of my relationships that had anything to do with business became almost purely transactional. That was just my very flawed impression of how the world works. Why you too can easily slide into a transactional relationship mentality let's face it, transactional relationships existed long before society's evolution to digital work. From the horrors of slavery, to the mistreatment of factory workers during the Industrial Revolution, to unfair wages historically paid to women and children, one can find examples of the travesty of transactions throughout history. So what's the reason these relationships become transactional? Well, sure, I think a lack of love and truly caring for our fellow human beings can be part of the problem. Certainly so can selfishness, greed, ungratefulness, or any other sinful and self seeking character tendency. But in my opinion, especially because I've seen many people, including myself, who actually do deeply care for others and love others, and who do via family and friendships, display that they can can create transformational relationships nonetheless fall into the transactional relationship trap. The tendency to engage in transactional relationships comes down to navigating through life in a hurry, with an attitude of scarcity of time and resources and a particular perception that there just isn't enough time in the day to treat every human in every interaction in a way that a human being should be treated and honored. There's not enough time to write a few extra lines in an email showing you actually care. Not enough time to pick up the phone and call instead of sending an emotionless text. Not enough time to chat with the grocery store clerk about how his or her day is going because after all, you're late for an appointment. Not enough time to hug someone, look someone in the eye, or pause to engage in human connection because you're rushing to the next important task. That's right. If you navigate through life with a belief in the scarcity of time, it's going to be very easy for you to engage in rushed and shallow transactional relationships that leave people feeling as though they're simply simply a stepping stone to your next checkbox in life. How to give yourself the time to truly treat people as people so what's the opposite of scarcity of time? Trust. The single biggest obstacle to you feeling as though there will actually be enough time to show people that you care. To ask people questions and engage in conversations blanketed in kindness and love, to be fully present in your interactions with others and to provide a space of empathy, of listening and of connection is an absence of trust. See to be overwhelmed with a sense of peace that there will be enough time in the day to accomplish everything you need to accomplish and still have time left over for treating people the way they deserve. You must operate with a spirit of abundance of time and a trust that God will provide. Even if you're 10 minutes late for a post lunch appointment because you took the time at lunch to chat about life with a co worker or employee, trust that God will care for you. Trust that the time will be there. Trust that abundance will outpace scarcity. But if you lose trust and you suddenly thrust time to the top of the totem pole of priorities, then eventually time comes before people and people become transactional make sense? Well, if it does, then simply take a second this week to ask your restaurant waiter how their day is going. Pause and take a minute to write a couple of extra lines in that email you'd normally hurry through and send off without emotion. Try to create just one comment to the house cleaner, or the plumber or the landscaper or anyone else who you normally find yourself tempted to treat coldly and in a business like fashion. Ask them about how their weekend was or how their kids are or what they're doing for fun that night. Just start small. It takes less time than you'd think to make a human connection. You just have to trust that God will provide and that the time will be there, even if you're taking extra minutes out of your day to connect with people meaningfully. As a matter of fact, the Bible tells us quite clearly why we don't need to operate from from a spirit of scarcity. Matthew 6:25 34 says, Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air. They do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They don't labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, you of little faith? So don't worry, saying what shall we eat? Or what shall we drink? Or what shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. That's right, every day has enough trouble of its own. So be nice. Don't be a monster to people. Don't be the ultra successful go getter who doesn't have anybody show up at their funeral because they were an asshole. Care. And don't just say you care. Show you care. Take the time. You're not going to starve or miss a house payment or lose all your fitness gains, or not finish a work deadline because you took the time to care for a fellow human being. If anything, you're going to be a happier, more peaceful person. And they will be too A Few Other Tips to Create Transformational Relationships in addition to trusting and having a spirit of abundance instead of scarcity, you may want to consider a few of the tips that are detailed in two helpful pieces of content that I'll link to at fitsoulbook.com chapter four that's chapter the number four. One article called Transactional Is that really who you want to be? And another article I mentioned earlier, how to create rare and life changing relationships with anyone. A few of these tips include Assume the best intention in others. Ask yourself what would happen if I assumed everyone was doing their best. People usually don't slack, mess up and commit all too common human errors on purpose or out of spite. Most folks, including your family and co workers, actually do care. But they're fallible humans and not flawless automatons, which is why they have actual personalities, humor, proactiveness, and creativity. So cut them some friggin slack already. Be kind. Just be a nice person, that's all. Care, Smile, love your fellow human. Say thank you and please more often and not THX and pls. Heck, even toss in a bit of I love you or I'm grateful for you. Kindness tends to be kind of contagious actually, and makes your day better too. Provide advice and support, not just correction. Did your marketing manager butcher an email, headline or print a brochure with some glaring typos? Sure, point it out, but perhaps also ask them how you could help them avoid such understandable errors in the future. Can I find someone to help proofread for you? Or can I purchase you access to Grammarly or give you some tips on how to use it all in kindness and assuming the best intention on their part, of course. Imagine your digital interactions are physical. Write your emails the same way you would say something to someone's face. Yo can become hey, how's your day going, man? Send a text as though you're looking into someone's eyes. Um, okay. Can become. Can you explain a little more what you mean by that? I don't quite understand. Introduce colleagues or make connections as though you were seated at dinner together. John, meet Ben. Ben, meet John. Can become John. You have to meet Ben. You guys are such kindred spirits. I know it. You guys have to hang out sometime or at least get on the phone together for a bit. The feel of real physical connection can still happen when connecting in our digital era. And yes, I know it takes more time, but that's where trust fits in. Remember, don't see people as dollar signs. See people as people. Sure, they may be a paying customer, a producing employee, or a potential client, but the fact that we often exchange goods or services in exchange for other goods and services with these type of folks doesn't mean at the end of the day, they're not also a mother, a father, a brother, a sister, a parent, a person who loves tennis or the outdoors or cooking, and someone with just as many faults, flaws, worries, joys, f ups, addictions, weird habits, and unorganized desks as you. We're all messy humans, and we all need stuff from each other. Let's just not make needing stuff the ultimate objective of our interactions, okay? Let's instead make the ultimate objective love and connection Be transformational Finally, Ben Hardy, in the same article I mentioned earlier, describes the opposite of a transactional relationship he calls a transformational relationship. Like I mentioned earlier, transformational relationships can start as transactions, but they then go far beyond the mere exchange of money, goods, or services. And they're instead about giving the most you possibly can to help others and advance others in a synergistic and win win way. In transformational relationships, you have lots of protection, which is important because as I alluded to earlier, feeling protected is the key to doing invaluable work, which you just can't do without the love, help, and support of others. For example, in the article, Ben describes how he hired someone named Joel to help him with his communication skills. But that relationship stopped being transactional very quickly. They connected deeply. They started serving and helping each other, and Joel helped Ben in ways he could never help himself. In fact, Ben says, Joel changes life. He says your relationship isn't transformational if it doesn't change you, if you're not getting better, and if there aren't generous gifts given without compulsion. Your relationship isn't transformational if it's primarily about you. Your relationship isn't transformational if you're not creating a bigger pie both for the relationship and all involved. But beyond that, your relationship isn't transformational if you aren't making the world a better place, your relationships aren't Feeling protected is the key to doing invaluable work, because you can't do your best work without the love, help, and support of others. If you don't truly love the people you're with, if you're not genuine, if you're not thoughtful. Once you recognize and identify the relationships and interactions in your life that have become transactional, the steps above become clear and easy to take. Make it's just a matter of knowing the seriousness of the matter, then taking action. I trust that you're now equipped to do just that. Summary so World I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been an asshole. I'm sorry I've been transactional. I'm sorry I've treated you like a digital 0 and 1, a pixelated avatar on a Coinbot computer. I'm ready for my relationships to become transformative. Life is too short and people are too magical for it to be any other way. So please forgive me. How about you? Have you slid like I have, into largely transactional relationships with people, even those who you love and interact with on a daily basis? Will you join me in instead committing to transformational relationships? Then I challenge you to start here. Take one relationship that's currently a transactional relationship for you, and take a truly transformative, caring step towards making the transactional transformational. How about a phone call to an employee instead of a text? How is your day going? To the grocery store clerk? Instead of a curt nod and a half smile, an email that, despite still being efficient, actually shows you're human and they're human, such as I'm grateful for you today in your salutatory greeting. You get the idea. Speaking of relationships, there is, in my opinion, no more important relationship than that which you form with those tiny, impressionable humans who you may interact with with on a daily basis in your own household. So whether you have children, you plan to have children, or you hang out regularly with children, the next chapter is going to be for you. In the meantime, for resources, references, links, and additional reading and listening material for this chapter, visit fitsoulbook.com chapter four that's fitsoulbook.com chapter the number four.