Fit Soul Chapter 7 - Be A Man

Hey, welcome to Fitzoul. Chapter 7 Be a Man I'm Ben Greenfield and every week I'll be releasing to you a chapter from my brand new book Fit Soul on this podcast feed. Although you can get the entire book for free now as a digital download, or you can also get a physical copy@fitsoulbook.com that's fitsoulbook.com let's do this. Chapter 7 Be a Man I lived much of my life as a boy deep down inside. Driving my masochistic forays into 20 years of obstacle course and adventure racing, triathlon sporting competitions and brutal workouts was a deep seated desire to prove to the world that I was a man. At home. Driven by a fear of rejection and resentment by my wife and children and a preference for people pleasing, I was loose handed in discipline or laying down the law in any sort of remotely authoritarian fashion. God forbid I would ever be remembered as some kind of tyrant or dictator of the home. So it must be far safer to simply be a likable pushover father, right? As a result, my role in the home was a bit of a Homer Simpson esque buffoon, a jolly and joking yet ultimately feeble Peter of the Family Guy cartoon or Phil Dumphy of the Modern Family sitcom. For years, I considered it a noble act to elevate my wife's status in the home to matriarchal queen mother and caretaker of the household. Yet this simultaneously allowed me to step into the shadows while allowing her to bear the burden of everything from breaking up arguments amongst our boys to ensuring the family was in time for church on Sundays, to planning out all of our weekend activities. She was the queen while I was the happy, go lucky boyish jester whose presence in the household was more of an edit. She was the queen while I was the happy, go lucky boyish jester whose presence in the household was more of a third son to her rather than a rock, a foundation, a father, a leader, and a king. After all, I figured it's far better for dad to be cool and accepted by his kids than to take on the responsibility of being a strong and inspirational patriarch of the family. I was a weakling who shirked leadership. I was afraid of being judged by my family. I was amiable and charming, yet fragile, delicate and soft. But over the past few months, I've been observing the world around me and dwelling upon the way I was leading, if that's what you want to call it. My family and I experienced a stark realization. I needed to grow up. Permanent adolescence is a plague on our society and our families that's threatening to unravel the quilt of culture in the very manner we are now witnessing. You're about to discover why and what you can do about it, so pay attention, especially you fellas, our Fatherless World when it comes to the way that the world perceives the ideal father, times have certainly changed, haven't they? For example, while I've never been much of a television and pop culture enthusiast, I have seen old American TV programs from the 40s, 50s and 60s like Father Knows Best or Leave it to Beave, both of which, despite their often unrealistic portrayal of the perfect idealized nuclear family, depict relatively respectable father figures who lead their families in a strong, responsible and respectable manner. Next came the 70s, where fathers began to be portrayed much like the loudmouth, uneducated bigot Archie Bunker of All in the Family. Then, over the years leading up to our current era, Hollywood's portrayal of a father devolved into the Homer Simpson, the Peter Griffin and the Phil Dunphy buffoonish and irresponsible fathers who are largely clowns, pushovers and weaklings. Unfortunately, the modern household father has fared no better than the Hollywood father. Not only are fathers more inspired by these type of television portrayals to be likable, funny friends who call their kids bud, but they also tend to be present on the smartphone where relatively absent in their children's lives, able to escape family life via workaholism enabled by a hyper connected home office scenario, loose handed with discipline and fear that a social worker might come knocking on the door asking about 7am burpees in the driveway and stricken with the angst of possibly being depicted as sexist, chauvinistic, dogmatic, or any other negative term used to describe a dad who dares to be a strong, hard, dependable manly male figure. Just check out the Resources page. For this chapter you go to fitsoulbook.com chapter7 that's fitsoulbook.com chapter the number seven to listen to the shock and awe response of many of the children immersed in my friend Joe decenna's recent boot camp for kids he organized at his home in Vermont and described on an episode of the Joe Rogan show. Read some of the comments of his description. God forbid children be pushed by older male figures and exposed to hardship, cold lifting heavy objects, getting up early and learning to be tough. I highly doubt the same response would have taken place if adolescent rites of passage were woven into our culture as they had been for eons of time. But frankly Most boys never even have an opportunity to experience this ceremonial recognition of their passage into manhood and subsequent societal responsibilities of protecting and providing for their family, their village, their community and their country. This modern backslide into male weakness is accompanied by the same censorship of true, honorable, manly strength that got former President Theodore Roosevelt fired from his Sunday school teacher position. Well, at Harvard, Roosevelt actually taught Sunday school at a local church, but apparently he was too much of a muscular Christian, and you can read more on his flavor of muscular Christianity in a link I'll include on the resources page for this chapter on the Art of Manliness website. Anyways, too much of a muscular Christian for the church body. Case in point, one day a boy came to class with a black eye. He admitted he had been in a fight on a Sunday, no less. A much bigger boy had been pinching his sister and he got into a fistfight with him. You did perfectly right, said Roosevelt, and proceeded to give him a dollar. The church vestrymen thought this was going too far and subsequently removed Roosevelt from his position as Sunday school teacher. These days, I imagine Roosevelt would not only have been removed, but also vilified and canceled on all his social media accounts and lambasted by women's rights organizations for implying that small women somehow need to be defended by their older brothers. But it gets worse. In many households today, not only are fathers not being the kings, leaders and men they need to be, but there's often no father presence whatsoever, which leads to an even more serious problem. See, children in a fatherless home begin life at a significant disadvantage. For example, statistics show that the majority of prison inmates come from broken families, and that those broken families are most often fatherless families. Furthermore, when fathers aren't present, an entity must step up to take the place of the protector and the provider. Sadly, that's most often not the local church or parish stepping up to the plate to care for the widows and fatherless as they should be doing, nor a grandparent or other loving family member, but instead the government. In other words, fathers aren't present. So government welfare has stepped in to replace the role of a father. Boys raised in such a home grow up without a rock, a foundation and a male leader, and thus rinse, wash and repeat this vicious cycle, venturing out into the world without a strong sense of responsibility or rite of passage into manhood, knocking up a few ladies, producing more unwanted babies, and propagating a a continued cycle of aborted babies or fatherless homes. If it were classified as a disease, fatherlessness would be an epidemic worthy of attention as a national Emergency. More than 20 million children live in a home without the presence of a father. Millions more children have fathers who are physically present yet emotionally absent. On the resources page for this chapter I have tons of stats on the sad extent of fatherlessness. And in his book Hearts of the Fathers, author Charles Chris notes that many children today who grow up up in a fatherless home lack a God ordered earthly anchor for soul security. Noting that it is well known but seldom discussed whether in the church house or the White House, that fatherlessness lies at the root of nearly all of the most glaring problems that plague our modern, now post Christian life. He goes on to point out that children living in female headed homes have a poverty rate of 48%, more than four times the rate for children living in homes with their fathers or mothers. Another author, Paul Vitz, in his book Faith of the the Psychology of Atheism, writes that in stark contrast to the fruits of a fatherless home, strong spiritual leaders often had remarkably positive and present fathers or father figures. In one TV interview he states, I would say the biggest problem in the country is the breakdown of the family, and the biggest problem in the breakdown of the family is the absence of the father. Our answer is to recover the faith, particularly for men, and we'll recover fatherhood. And if we recover the fatherhood, we'll recover the family. If we recover the family or recover society. In his recent essay noting the sad state of the church in America and its failure to step up for clear constitutional rights, particularly during the COVID quarantine, Doug Wilson says the reason why the streets of Chicago are filled with violence is fatherlessness. The reason why so many young people flock to the false allure of socialism is fatherlessness. The reason why there is a massive contempt for our institutions is fatherlessness. And the reason why our institutions have become so contemptible is fatherlessness. But the fact is, your own home doesn't need to be fatherless. Physically absent of a patriarch or without the presence of a male figurehead to experience the same issues to destroy your legacy. Continue to make our nation's families weak, continue to propagate the cycle of poverty and violence, and continue to create a culture of Homer Simpsons, Peter Griffins and Phil Dunphys. All you need to do is keep being a boy. Your home simply needs to have you, the supposed father, mentally and spiritually absent, a likable, soft boned buffoon. How to be a man so what can you as a father do to break this vicious cycle? Become a true reflection of the ultimate man that God has created you to be, and create a culture of strong, responsible males who will step up for their rights and protect and provide for their families. Well, I have three suggestions for you. First, be a king. Quit operating in your home as the court jester. Sure, you can be likable, amicable, and a pleasant, kind and joyful presence in your household, fellas. But don't take it so far that your children or wife don't take you seriously because you haven't a drop of stoicism or seriousness in your body. So what is a king exactly? Well, just look up the definition of king in the dictionary. A male sovereign or monarch. A man who holds by life tenure and usually by hereditary right a person or thing preeminent in its class. Or, here's the way I like to think of it. Picture Aslan, the Great lion of C.S. lewis's Chronicles of Narnia. Aslan is depicted as king of the beasts, the son of the emperor over the sea, and king above all high kings in Narnia. He is awe inspiring and a bit frightening, but unquestionably benevolent and kind, with unmatched power and unlimited goodness. That is the king you should aspire to be. Or consider the words of Robert Greene from his book 48 Laws of Power, in which Law 34 commands those who seek power to be royal. In your own fashion. Act like a king to be treated like one, Greene explains. The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated in the long run. Appearing vulgar or common will make people disrespect you, for a king respects himself and inspires this sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make yourself seem destined to wear a crown. So act royally if you want to be treated royally and taken seriously. Be sober, be confident, and command respect. If you plan to step up as the king of your family, begin to act like an actual king. So how does a king act? Well, read Proverbs 31, verses 3 through 9, in which King Lemuel dictates to his son what it takes to be a true king. Listen, my son. Listen, son of my womb. Listen, my son. The answer to my prayers. Don't spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings. It's not for kings, Lemuel. It's not for kings to drink wine, nor for rulers to crave beer, lest they drink and forget what has been decreed and deprive all the oppressed of their rights. Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish. Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more. Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly. Defend the rights of the poor and needy. A king must remain alert and in possession of his faculties at all times. A king cannot afford to let himself fall into a stupor that will erode the respect of others and have devastating consequences should an attack of the enemy occur. A king cannot afford to be careless and sloppy Titus 2:2 in the Bible teaches that older men are to be sober minded, dignified, self controlled, sound in faith in and in steadfastness. So are you such an older man, a king, and an inspirational figurehead for your family? Or are you still a soberless, undignified, weak willed, faithless boy? Do you need to quit smoking weed and crashing on the couch at night? Do you need to stop sucking down your microdoses of plant medicine and wine and crawling into your basement man cave to escape your responsibilities? Do you need to begin to speak up for what you know is right and a full expression of your true, authentic self rather than who you think the world expects you to be or what some unconstitutional, silly government clothing, living and shopping mandate being shoved down your throat dictates? Then do it. Be royal. Be stoic. Be taken seriously. Stand up for what you know is right. Be a king. Next. Be a leader. Quit lazily allowing your wife, as I did for so many years, no matter how strong a woman she might be, to step into a position of leadership that places undue stress on her shoulders and removes responsibility from yours. It's your position as a father to create a culture in your family that inspires respect, love, joy, peace and trust. What does being that strong leader of your home look like? Well, take responsibility for your household and don't be as Doug Wilson describes in his book Father Hunger, just one more person living in the household, just one more of the roommates. Don't be a boy who shaves. The opposite of being a boy who shaves is true masculinity, which is the glad assumption of sacrificial responsibility. A man who assumes responsibility is learning masculinity, and a culture that encourages men to take responsibility is a culture that is a friend to masculinity. Establish family values and create a culture in your household by leading your family in spiritual disciplines like meditation, prayer, gratitude, journaling, clear identification of purpose statements, and the other practices I teach you about in this book. Be present mentally, physically and emotionally. Put down your phone already look at your children and wife in the eyes. No good leader is an absent leader. Create traditions and build a legacy. Remember, you aren't just raising your children. You're raising your children's children. And everything you do in your home, from how you wake to how you eat to how you speak to how you compete to how you create, will all be observed and copied very closely by your children and future generations. Create calendar systems and accountability for your home. Use things like Google Calendar, an app or platform like Habitory to hold the family accountable in their daily practices. Set up schedules so that family dinners become prioritized and begin to think of yourself, not your wife, as manager and chief operations officer of the home. And don't just show up where you're told. Instead, you decide who shows up, where and when. Consider a rite of passage, especially for your boys. Options abound. I delve into rites of passage on a podcast that I'll link to in the Resources page for this chapter@fitsoulbook.com Chapter 7 that's fitsoulbook.com Chapter the number 7 Many organizations, often in the realm of wilderness survival, nature immersion, exist to systematize the process of a rite of passage for a young man. You can begin by Googling a term like Wilderness Rite of passage Name of your city for boys. My own boys will have multiple solo ego dissolving days in the wilderness between the ages of 13 and 15, accompanied by a ceremonial coming of age led by the people I trust at Twin Eagles Wilderness School. Following that rite of passage, you'll experience their first responsibly facilitated use of plant medicines to further dissolve the ego and prepare them to become kings, leaders, fathers, and husbands for life. Life. These types of rites of passage for your boys don't need to be the same as mine, but hopefully that gives you an idea of where to start and then lead with love. You're not a soulless dictator. You're not a grumpy general who barks orders each morning. You're not a ruthless authoritarian. You gaze at others deeply in the eye. You smile kindly. You hug. You snuggle. You prepare wonderful, nourishing meals. You teach with patience. You sacrifice time to be fully present. And you respect your children and your wife. Life. Remember, be an Aslan, that king from Chronicles of Narnia. As Doug Wilson says in his book Father Hunger, what are fathers called to? Fathers give. Fathers protect fathers bestow Fathers yearn and long for the good of their children. Fathers delight father's sacrifice. Fathers are jovial and open handed. Fathers create abundance, and if lean times come, they take the leanest portion themselves and create a sense of gratitude and abundance for the rest. Fathers love birthdays and Christmas because it provides them with yet another excuse to give some more to the kids. When fathers say no, as good fathers do from time to time, it's only because they're giving a more subtle gift, one that is a bit more complicated than a cookie. They must also include among their gifts things like self control and discipline and a work ethic. But they're giving these things, not taking something else away just for the sake of taking. Fathers are not looking for excuses to say no. Their default mode is not no. So be the father and husband who makes wild love to your wife at night, wakes early in the morning to bake your family chocolate chip cookies for the evening family dinner, then rips your boys out of bed to go lift kettlebells in the garage and drag sandbags up and down the driveway, followed by dirty, sweaty bear hugs afterward. But don't be the father and husband who stays absent and distracted with noble email and social media work all day, then gathers the family around Netflix in the basement in the evening so they can eat takeout while you have an excuse to dink on your phone some more as they're distracted by their own giant screen. Number three is to be a man of God. To be a true leader and true king, you must seek your own spiritual fitness diligently and daily in father hunger. Wilson also says men must seek to be Christians first. If they love Jesus Christ more than mother or father or wife or sons or daughters, then they will be in fellowship with the source of the of all love. If they make an idol out of any one of their family members, then they're out of fellowship with the source of all love, meaning that the idol is shortchanged. A man's wife receives far more love when she is number two after God than she would be if she were number one. A man's children will be fathered diligently when they are loved in the context of a much greater love. In other words, you must seek and experience God's love. To be able to give full love to your family, you must steep yourself in God's word and be in full union with him daily. So how's that going for you? Are you caring for the one component of your human existence that's so shriveled, shrunken, and neglected inside? If not, you'll want to pay close attention to chapter 10 or grab the free download of this book@fitsoulbook.com and read chapter 10. And then, in addition to daily immersion in the Bible, delve into books like Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster, Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life by Donald Whitney, Spiritual Disciplines Handbook by Adele Calhoun, the Jesuit's Guide to Almost Everything by James Martin, or A Philosophical Encounter by Philip Koch. Now I'll link to all these books@fitsoulbooks.com Chapter 7 and that ought to be enough to get you started in your path to spiritual health and becoming a better man of God. But now take action. Once the kids are in bed, turn off your phone at night and start reading books like the ones I just told you about. That's what I've done for the path last four years, and it's been absolutely transformative. Summary fortunately, we have a complete manual for being a father in an increasingly fatherless world, the Bible. And I'd be remiss not to finish with what we can learn from the world's only written source of absolute truth. What does the Bible tell us about being a father who reflects the full greatness of God the Father? Plenty. As a matter of fact, fathers are so important in the Bible, beginning with God the Father, that the words father, fathers, and forefathers appears 1573 times. Psalm 23:1 6 says, the Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures he leads me beside still waters he restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil my cup overflows. The LORD is our shepherd, and we as fathers should be the same for our family. You should want to be the father who can walk your own children through fear, through death, through shadows, and through evil. Then train them up to be that same kind of shepherding Father. Proverbs 3:11 12 says, My Son, do not despise the Lord's discipline, or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves as a father, the Son in whom he delights. Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. In Psalm 103:13 as a father shows compassion to his children so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him. So we are to be firm rocks who provide discipline, but always in kindness, compassion and love because we delight in our children and wish them the very best. As you look to Scripture for patterns of masculinity, you will find them manifested perfectly in the life of men like Jesus, who set the ultimate pattern for love and courage and living out the ideal hero's journey. I'll describe to you in chapter nine beyond the Bible, there are other resources beside those I've already mentioned that I recommend to you and encourage you to read if you want to continue in your evolution to becoming a true man, a king, a father and a leader in your home, including Be a Man by Larry Richards Future man, which I already mentioned, by Doug Wilson, who also wrote the book Father Hunger. And in addition, you can visit BenGreenfieldFitness.com boys2men that's boys t o men. BenGreenfieldFitness.com boystomen for an Amazon list I made that contains several other titles, I'm reading with my own boys titles I chose to make boys great men and men greater men. Now, how about you? Do you plan to step up to the plate and accept the responsibility of your role as a father, a leader and a king? How are you rising to the occasion for your family and being a rock and a foundation for your wife and children? If you're a woman, how do you plan to support the men or boys in your life to rise to their own role as fathers, leaders and kings? If you found yourself struggling with motivation, meaning or direction as you tackle the questions I'm asking you at the end of each of these chapters, then pay heed to the next chapter because you're going to get the key for unlocking boundless energy your beck and call all day long. But in the meantime, for resources, references, links and additional reading and listening material for this chapter, visit fitsoulbook.com chapter7 that's fitsoulbook.com chapter the number seven.