Season 1 | Episode 29 | Special Guest, RT Therapist Dr. Tanner Hargrove -- Control Intervention

Foreign.

Intervention number four.

Here we go. Number four of Tanner's trained tactics.

Yeah. So the next intervention deals with control. And I tend to take the perspective that control pokes its head up in a lot of different ways. I actually don't even necessarily see this intervention as specific to couples work, but you're going to see it most commonly with couples. And this intervention just requires. It's going to be hard for me to show this, but two hula hoops, that's what you're looking for. And these can be the same, they can be different, they can be light up. They cannot be light up. It's entirely up to you how you want to do that. But essentially, the hula hoop becomes representative of what control an individual may or may not have. So if we start talking about the dynamic of control in the context of the relationship, part of what I'm looking for is one person's pain cycle moving them towards control, and then as a result, causing things to get really messed up. And so one of the things that I'll do, again, this is kind of hard to represent, but I'll just lay two hula hoops on the floor, and I'll have the couple get up, and one person will stand in each hula hoop, and then I'll look at one of the spouses, and I'll say, when it seems like your spouse is controlling, show me what that looks like based on the hula hoops here. So if the hula hoop is the control that your spouse has and this is the control that you have when your spouse gets controlling, what happens? Do we stay in our hula hoop? Do we jump out of our hula hoop? Do we go into somebody else's hula hoop? Show me with your body what actually takes place. And usually what will end up happening is the partner who feels controlled. So the one who is struggling with feeling controlled will probably pull their spouse into their hula hoop. So it feels like he or she is getting in my space or into my hula hoop. And I'm like, yeah, that seems like. Makes total sense to me. And then we'll kind of process how does that feel? Right. Usually. Because at that point, they're pretty close because the hula loop is not huge. So we'll, like, we'll talk about how does that feel? What pain comes up for you when you get in this moment? And then where you really drive it home is what does this make you want to do? How do you cope when it feels like this is happening? And they'll say, well, I'm out. I'm like, great, show me. And so they'll jump out of their hula hoop, and I'll probably move them to another side of the office, depending on how intense that withdrawal, that shutdown is. Or they might say, I just totally shut down. Great. Show me what that looks like. Right. Or they might say, I control back. Great. Show me what that looks like. So then we start this whole, like, not shoving, but, like, they might move their spouse back, and then they jump into that hula hoop. Right. So I'm really emphasizing, like, when it feels like someone is controlling me, I leave what I can control and start jumping into the other person's hula hoop. And then we have the conversation around, what do you think should happen? And they'll say something along the lines of, well, my spouse should stay in her or his hula hoop. Absolutely. But what are you gonna do if they don't? Because that's the big piece that usually we see. And this is also really helpful with this idea of a lot of times couples will say things like, well, what if my spouse is in her pain or his pain, but I'm not. Yeah, that's really reasonable. So what does it look like for you to stay in your hula hoop, in your piece, and recognize that your spouse may be trying to control you? And then there's, like, this. You can see it like, I don't know. Like, I don't know what I need to do. I don't know what. I know what I want to do. Great. Tell me what you want to do. Well, I want to push them out or I want to jump back. Great. And then we talk about, that's not going to help. It's going to hurt. So let's talk through. When you're in your piece, which of your actions can you lean into? And then we'll talk about, okay, let's do that. What does it look like to understand right now? What does it look like to be more flexible? What does it look like to be compassionate? What does it look like to listen? Right. So I'll really work with that spouse, and then I'll turn to the other spouse who's doing the controlling, and then I'll talk with them about, okay, like, what's going on for you, what needs to happen, and when you're able to get in your piece, what happens with you? And so it's really just a lot of, like, kind of processing and moving and then talking through and drilling down into staying regulated regardless of what the other person does and kind of helping them navigate the physical space that the hula hoops can kind of represent. And then after that, the hula hoops kind of become emblematic. Like, a lot of this stuff kind of can, but they kind of become a visual representation for when some of those things might happen. So it's very common that a couple that's done this intervention might get back into that same dynamic. Yeah, you just get the hula hoops back out. Or maybe if it's a really controlling couple and this is really their point of contention, or they really struggle with staying in their own piece or staying in their own hula hoop. I might even get them out before they get there and then put them on the floor. And then when they sit down, I'll tell them, you have to keep your feet in this hula hoop for the entire session, and then just kind of go on. Right. So it's kind of like a subconscious. Like, not. This is. We're. This is where we're gonna focus. I've even had some. I've even told some couples to buy hula hoops. I've given some hula hoops away because I'm like, if this will help, like, get it, take it and do it. So look.

Guys.

What do I get for having four hulu?

Yeah, this is so good. Red is three for four, minus, minus a heart, which, you know, three, four, four on the intervention supply list, I.

Think are really great because I've had clients when they're out during the week, they. They don't have the physical hoop, but they. They'll come back and remember, like, visually imagine themselves being in a hula hoop. It has a good. I even kept hula hoops in my house for about a year when I was. We were doing, like, just some. I call it forced family work. Mainly it was my work, and I was trying to bring hula hoops home to have my kids and wife step into hoops to have conversations, which is a total. Not a good thing as a therapist to try to implement things at home like that. But I. It's. Yeah. And even in some of the marriage work, like, re engage, which is like a kind of a psycho educational model out here at some churches, they talk about staying in your. In your circle. So I think the hula hoops is a good visual boundary. Tanner. It sounds like so far a lot of interventions. It's not only experiential for the couples, but you're doing a lot of coaching kind of.

Yeah.

With them and, like, guiding them through A process to help. Help them gain some insight about some specific issues. But then it's not just insight oriented. The fact that they're like, using some tools and doing some experiential things helps them more like, move that insight to more of a embodied experience. Is that fair to say?

Right.

I'd say, like the key word that you use. And I think this is one of the things that if you're. Instead of saying, how does that make. Make you feel language with. With your clients? One of the things that you can do with your clients is to say, show me.

Absolutely. Yeah.

You know, show me that money. No, show me that pain cycle. Show me the piece. Sorry. Once again, I blame Tanner. It brings it out of me. But yeah, get them to show you. Use that language with your clients. Show me what that's like when you're doing this. Show me.

You know, but it takes. Yeah, there's a lot of directing. Almost like.

Yeah.

As a therapist, you're not obviously just sitting. You need to get up and help couples direct to get them into this thing to help them show you that experience. Experience. Which I really like.

When you have to be. You have to be ready to. They're gonna throw you some curveballs. We're not gonna go right where you think and hope they go. And so really being flexible and then just recognizing, like, I don't know where this is gonna go, but I hope. I think it's gonna be good, and I think it's gonna make a little bit of a difference. And then trusting that you can pivot and you can move them. Right. Like the touch point is the paint cycle and the peace cycle for me. Right. So regardless of where we're going, that's where I'm trying to land. And so however the intervention shakes out, recognizing, like, I hope we land here or I hope we get to this point. And usually you might take a different route, but usually you can get there, dude.

So good. So anything else with hula hoops, Rhett, you use them a lot too. Is there anything you would add on to this?

No, I. I just like the visual spacing of it feels really like concrete when they're standing in a hoop. I think it's a good emotional self relation co regulation tool. So sometimes I'll. I'll put one hoop on top of the other and have them both stand in that as kind of a symbolic of co regulation. And then to move to separate the hoops. And even, you know, sometimes in a relationship that feels distant or cut off, I'll have hoops on completely opposite sides of the room, and they're standing isolated in their own hoops. And there's no there's no, like, inter. Interdependent, as you were describing earlier, another intervention. There's no interdependent or some type of cooperation, the relationship. So I think they're good. It also strikes a little bit of fear. I had some hoops sitting on a stage behind me when I did a marriage talk a couple weeks ago, and I think everyone is like, is he going to make me come up and do hula hooping? So it creates a little bit of panic in the room for a second, which I think is adds a little bit of levity to the situation. And they're, you know, inexpensive. You can buy them anywhere.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So that's number four.

It.